Operation Finding Girlfriend

[TheSpoon2Big]

Now my ex, the one I was with for 2 years, just filed a restraining order against me. This is ridiculous. I've had my down moments and have called or texted her, telling her I miss her, but that's it. The last time that happened, July 18th, I told her I loved her blah blah blah and she replied "Were you at my house?" and I'm like "of course not, why would you say that?" and she went on to accuse me of lying and that I was playing "ding dong ditch" and how that isn't the way to get back with her if that was my goal. I left it at that. Now suddenly I get served with a notice to go to court. She wrote on it that back in July, when I supposedly was at her house, she called the police to report it and had her "boyfriend" come over. So now I'll have to go to court to see her in person and most likely her boyfriend, which will just be added greatness. Now I have to somehow defend myself that this is really not necessary. Ugh! And while I'm sure many times necessary the courts side in favor of the woman, many times it's unfair to men who have been wrongfully accused. Lawyer fees? $5000. Yea, that's easy to come up with.

[Silver star]

ah, cant read all that. Suffice to say after a lifetime of failed relationships I will no longer be actively seeking one. If my soul mate finds me all well and good, but I'm not going looking.

[TheSpoon2Big]

PS: I didn't get notified that anyone replied to my posts so holy crap I have a lot to read. To all, I'm sorry, I'll read it all and get updated!!!

[browneyedgirl36]

Now my ex, the one I was with for 2 years, just filed a restraining order against me. This is ridiculous. I've had my down moments and have called or texted her, telling her I miss her, but that's it. The last time that happened, July 18th, I told her I loved her blah blah blah and she replied "Were you at my house?" and I'm like "of course not, why would you say that?" and she went on to accuse me of lying and that I was playing "ding dong ditch" and how that isn't the way to get back with her if that was my goal. I left it at that. Now suddenly I get served with a notice to go to court. She wrote on it that back in July, when I supposedly was at her house, she called the police to report it and had her "boyfriend" come over. So now I'll have to go to court to see her in person and most likely her boyfriend, which will just be added greatness. Now I have to somehow defend myself that this is really not necessary. Ugh! And while I'm sure many times necessary the courts side in favor of the woman, many times it's unfair to men who have been wrongfully accused. Lawyer fees? $5000. Yea, that's easy to come up with.

 

Whoa. I hope you realize how serious this is. If indeed you only texted a few times, then yes, this is a huge over-reaction on her part, and yes, some people do abuse the court system with phony restraining orders. Regardless, though: This needs to be a wake-up call for you -- a BIG one -- about getting too attached and remaining attached long after a relationship ends. It's one thing to keep feeling the feelings, but you've got to resist the urge to contact the other person and tell her those feelings. As you're seeing now, it can get you into a heap of trouble (whether it's warranted or not).

[Ms Darcy]

Whoa. I hope you realize how serious this is. If indeed you only texted a few times, then yes, this is a huge over-reaction on her part, and yes, some people do abuse the court system with phony restraining orders. Regardless, though: This needs to be a wake-up call for you -- a BIG one -- about getting too attached and remaining attached long after a relationship ends. It's one thing to keep feeling the feelings, but you've got to resist the urge to contact the other person and tell her those feelings. As you're seeing now, it can get you into a heap of trouble (whether it's warranted or not).

 

I agree. We can debate whether courts favor women or not. But I think regardless, there has been a lot of advice for you not to contact her anymore. Your actions may not seem like a big deal to you, but you really should start taking some practical advice. Especially if you are no longer seeing a therapist.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I haven't read any of the latest comments, and I didn't have much of a chance to respond to any of the ones I did. But I'll just sum it up by saying that you were all spot on. Just a bit ago this girl called me on the phone to tell me she just wanted to be friends. It all kicked off because this morning I was sort of tired of the way she was treating me so I acted out. Because things have been different/distant since last weekend, I wanted to talk on the phone rather than just text. Well, she says she doesn't like talking on the phone etc, but she finally agreed to call me yesterday. When she called, I was at work. She said "oh no big deal we can talk when you get off, I'll call you around 7!" and 9pm rolls around and I ask her "are you off work yet?" because she works late too sometimes. She said "I'm watching a movie, yes", so I said "OK were you still planning on calling?" and she said "Yea I'll call you here in a little bit and I never heard from her. This morning, I called her out on it. She said "whoa I don't like how controlling you are and we're not even in a relationship, I can only imagine what you're like" and I said "Because I asked you what happened last night when you said you'd call twice and didn't that's controlling?" Like, text can't convey all the tone and meaning behind things. Then just a bit ago, like I said, she gave me (on the phone!) the "It's just not going to work between us, I see you more as a friend". Um, OK, after you've slept with me multiple times, had me stay the night in your bed multiple times, left me alone at your apartment while you went to work or to the store?? That first week there sure was a lot of chemistry. She said "OK but it's just been a week so I don't know why you're like this" and I know part of this is true, but I felt frustrated and unfair that she did all these things and then says "meh" pretty much. She said "there's nothing wrong with you, trust me I'm very physically attracted to you, it's just our personalities". I'm like "you said yourself it's only been a week, you don't even know me, how can you make these judgements about who I am"?

 

Just goes to show looks aren't everything to women, and women love the chase, the mystery, the Hollywood drama of falling in love with a guy who's feelings about her are unclear, etc. Women fall in love more slowly, over time, and with their ears. Men fall in love at first sight and with their eyes.

 

Ugh. I tried not to repeat the same mistakes, but I did.

[browneyedgirl36]

I haven't read any of the latest comments, and I didn't have much of a chance to respond to any of the ones I did. But I'll just sum it up by saying that you were all spot on. Just a bit ago this girl called me on the phone to tell me she just wanted to be friends. It all kicked off because this morning I was sort of tired of the way she was treating me so I acted out. Because things have been different/distant since last weekend, I wanted to talk on the phone rather than just text. Well, she says she doesn't like talking on the phone etc, but she finally agreed to call me yesterday. When she called, I was at work. She said "oh no big deal we can talk when you get off, I'll call you around 7!" and 9pm rolls around and I ask her "are you off work yet?" because she works late too sometimes. She said "I'm watching a movie, yes", so I said "OK were you still planning on calling?" and she said "Yea I'll call you here in a little bit and I never heard from her. This morning, I called her out on it. She said "whoa I don't like how controlling you are and we're not even in a relationship, I can only imagine what you're like" and I said "Because I asked you what happened last night when you said you'd call twice and didn't that's controlling?" Like, text can't convey all the tone and meaning behind things. Then just a bit ago, like I said, she gave me (on the phone!) the "It's just not going to work between us, I see you more as a friend". Um, OK, after you've slept with me multiple times, had me stay the night in your bed multiple times, left me alone at your apartment while you went to work or to the store?? That first week there sure was a lot of chemistry. She said "OK but it's just been a week so I don't know why you're like this" and I know part of this is true, but I felt frustrated and unfair that she did all these things and then says "meh" pretty much. She said "there's nothing wrong with you, trust me I'm very physically attracted to you, it's just our personalities". I'm like "you said yourself it's only been a week, you don't even know me, how can you make these judgements about who I am"?

 

Just goes to show looks aren't everything to women, and women love the chase, the mystery, the Hollywood drama of falling in love with a guy who's feelings about her are unclear, etc. Women fall in love more slowly, over time, and with their ears. Men fall in love at first sight and with their eyes.

 

Ugh. I tried not to repeat the same mistakes, but I did.

 

Exactly...because you haven't learned from your mistakes -- primarily your one BIG one: Getting attached WAY too soon. It had only been a little over a week, and you were already acting like you were in a serious relationship, and that led you to come across as needy and yes, a bit controlling. While I agree that she should have called you when she said she would (I understand her not liking talking on the phone, though, because I don't like it either, but I will if my boyfriend wants to), your level of need for her attention after only one week was probably off-putting to her. This is what happens to most people who fast-track relationships -- going from a first date to sleeping over in a day or two; one person nearly always gets the impression that it's more than it is. In this case, it was you who got that impression. She thought she was trying to get to know you. You thought you were in a relationship (or getting there, at least). Your expectations of the situation didn't match hers at all, not even close. Perhaps, if you'd given her a chance to get to know you -- NOT as a boyfriend, but just dating first -- things would have gone differently.

 

Aside from your larger pattern of getting attached too soon, I see a bunch of other patterns in your posts that all seem to be related to it:

 

--Needing continual reassurance, very early on, of the woman's interest;

--Getting the feeling, when she isn't calling or texting as much as you'd like/when you want her to, that she's pulling away, and then confronting her about it over text or phone;

--Repeated calls/texts when you feel her pulling away, to the point where she gets annoyed and/or tells you to leave her alone (not in this case, yet, but in others you've written about, like your ex)'

--Not taking 'no' for an answer -- not accepting/respecting her decision to not see you anymore (I can almost guarantee you'll keep contacting this girl, at least for awhile, until she either blocks you or threatens you with legal action or something.

-- Having significant difficulty letting go and moving on.

 

None of these things will magically go away on its own until you get serious and address WHY you keep doing them in the first place. It's not just a 'phase' you're going through that you will get past. These are behaviors related to issues you have -- with insecurity, fear of abandonment, etc. -- that you need to be able to understand and address before you can have a good, healthy, lasting relationship.

 

I'm not really sure what else to say at this point. I'm concerned for you that you're facing a restraining order -- which could result in you being jailed if there is any indication at all that you've violated it -- and that it isn't enough for you to get really serious about addressing the issues that create these situations to begin with.

 

Please don't write this off as women loving "the chase" and the "mystery," and the "Hollywood drama." This takes the responsibility entirely off of you, and the hard truth is, YOU are the common denominator in every one of these situations.

 

When we know better, we do better, but you don't seem to know better yet. History will keep repeating itself for you until you do. I'm not trying to be harsh; just having difficulty understanding why you choose to keep going the way you've been going instead of actively working to change it.

[gp11a]

Well, I think she is correct, that it is just a mix of personalities (atleast, now)... You were already saying that you were seeing annoyances from her, yet you held onto it tightly, regardless. She said she'd call you and she didn't - I think that's when I'd let it go right there. If you call her out on it, you're just invoking a defensive response. Be prepared that during the getting to know you phase, you are still strangers and anything can happen... take it slow, if she is interested, the attention should be mutual!

 

If it's only been a week, why were you so adament on her talking to you if she was distant? Things should be equal give and take in something where the other person is interested. I've seen bad situations you've written about where it would have been healthier for you to acknowledge that this isn't good for YOU and to cut your ties, but it seems like you hang onto things until they cut you off.

[Ms Darcy]

Please don't write this off as women loving "the chase" and the "mystery," and the "Hollywood drama." This takes the responsibility entirely off of you, and the hard truth is, YOU are the common denominator in every one of these situations.

 

I agree.

 

Taking responsibility is a hard thing. It's easier to keep doing what you are doing.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Aside from your larger pattern of getting attached too soon, I see a bunch of other patterns in your posts that all seem to be related to it:

 

--Needing continual reassurance, very early on, of the woman's interest;

--Getting the feeling, when she isn't calling or texting as much as you'd like/when you want her to, that she's pulling away, and then confronting her about it over text or phone;

--Repeated calls/texts when you feel her pulling away, to the point where she gets annoyed and/or tells you to leave her alone (not in this case, yet, but in others you've written about, like your ex)'

--Not taking 'no' for an answer -- not accepting/respecting her decision to not see you anymore (I can almost guarantee you'll keep contacting this girl, at least for awhile, until she either blocks you or threatens you with legal action or something.

-- Having significant difficulty letting go and moving on.

 

None of these things will magically go away on its own until you get serious and address WHY you keep doing them in the first place. It's not just a 'phase' you're going through that you will get past. These are behaviors related to issues you have -- with insecurity, fear of abandonment, etc. -- that you need to be able to understand and address before you can have a good, healthy, lasting relationship.

 

I'm not really sure what else to say at this point. I'm concerned for you that you're facing a restraining order -- which could result in you being jailed if there is any indication at all that you've violated it -- and that it isn't enough for you to get really serious about addressing the issues that create these situations to begin with.

 

Please don't write this off as women loving "the chase" and the "mystery," and the "Hollywood drama." This takes the responsibility entirely off of you, and the hard truth is, YOU are the common denominator in every one of these situations.

 

When we know better, we do better, but you don't seem to know better yet. History will keep repeating itself for you until you do. I'm not trying to be harsh; just having difficulty understanding why you choose to keep going the way you've been going instead of actively working to change it.

 

Well, I think she is correct, that it is just a mix of personalities (atleast, now)... You were already saying that you were seeing annoyances from her, yet you held onto it tightly, regardless. She said she'd call you and she didn't - I think that's when I'd let it go right there. If you call her out on it, you're just invoking a defensive response. Be prepared that during the getting to know you phase, you are still strangers and anything can happen... take it slow, if she is interested, the attention should be mutual!

 

If it's only been a week, why were you so adament on her talking to you if she was distant? Things should be equal give and take in something where the other person is interested. I've seen bad situations you've written about where it would have been healthier for you to acknowledge that this isn't good for YOU and to cut your ties, but it seems like you hang onto things until they cut you off.

 

 

I acknowledge that I have a problem, I don't think I ever said I didn't. I don't mean to sound like I'm not or won't take responsibility, because I do, I am. That's why I felt so stupid asking her to try to make things exclusive so soon. In retrospect, how incredibly dumb. When I look back to the ex I had of 2yrs, the one I put on a pedestal and fawned about on here 3 years ago, I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend or we didn't talk about that for probably 2+ months, and we waited about that long before sleeping together too. I was frustrated back then that she was playing so hard to get, but that's a different story. And yes, I still have trouble letting go of her, even despite all the unhealthy fights we got in. And yes, the common denominator in all of these situations is me, but that relationship was not ALL my fault. I've struggled a LOT with that in therapy. I blame myself 110% for everything that went wrong and feel like had I not done this or that that we'd still be the happy loving couple we were for the first 6 months or so. My therapist(s) constantly reminded me that it takes two to tango, and that she could have left me at any time, and that she has unresolved issues as well. I guess that's neither here nor there.

 

Needing continual reassurance, yes, that's a problem. I took that "5 Love Languages" test, and the top two were almost a tie, but #1 for me was "Words of affirmation". I knew then and there that couldn't be a good thing.

 

I just got frustrated that someone who was incredibly sweet and was always saying these nice things to and about me and wanting to see me on days when she even had to wake up early and go to work, but was OK with leaving me at her apartment and told me to just close the garage door on the way out. Does that also sound like a "normal" woman who after a few dates is inviting a guy into her bedroom and sleeping over? So yes, I fell for it, everything went way too fast, and you all are right, I didn't take my time getting to know her. At least with my last ex, we didn't see each other all but on the weekends mostly because of the 1hr long commute distance, but because it was new. It wasn't until 3-4 months in that it was like that "I want to see you every night" thing, which WAS mutual.

 

I'm getting too sidetracked right now, with this girl thing going on, and now this really honestly bogus restraining order hearing that I have to go to next week which is stressing me out incredibly every day. Almost a month ago, I texted my ex in a moment of weakness that I missed her, loved her, etc. I did this because it had been 2 days after my nephew left back home after visiting for 2 weeks. I felt sad not knowing why, just really missing him and missed family in general. I don't have any family where I live, so I rarely get to see them. My support system in that realm is small. No excuse to text my ex, but that was just the situation. I snapped out of it within an hour.

 

I know I might be repeating myself, but it helps to get it out. Her immediate response was "(my name), were you at my house?" to which I said "No, of course not, why do you say these things?" (I mean it was freaking 11pm on a Mon night!) I had gone to my probation appt in the morning before work, to work, stopped at home to take my dog out, went to therapy, then went home and before bed is when I texted my ex that crap. I am already in "legal trouble", I do not want and wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that whatsoever. Anyways, she says, " Let me rephrase this. I know you were at my door. What do you want?" And I went on to say that I wanted her back and wanted to love each other again, etc. She then said, " So you think that by playing ding dong ditch at my door then blatantly lying to me about it immediately after would make me want to talk to you again? Done with your lies, sorry". And that was that! Then a few days ago, suddenly I'm served AT WORK with this ridiculous restraining order hearing that I had a week to prepare for, if you will.

 

 

I am not one to go playing "ding dong ditch" at 11pm for crying out loud. I do NOT want or need any more trouble. I'm doing fine, getting by, and looking to get the past behind me, legally. Either my ex's door didn't ring and she was just mad that I texted her or something, or she just thinks it was me, who knows. Her word against mine, I guess. She wrote down that she has all this "evidence" of a lot of our bad fights where sometimes she would start recording with her phone. Why she would still hold onto that stuff a year later, I don't know. The last time we met up to get some of my belongings back was in Jan. Haven't seen her since. Now I'm forced to see her, and I'm sure her new boyfriend she made extra sure to mention in the paperwork will be there with her. That'll really help with me getting past things. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I absolutely cannot in any way contact her, which I fully understand. Making my case clear might be harder than I think, especially if she shows up with a small army of her bf, her mom, who knows, and I'm all by myself.

 

I reached out to my therapist to attempt to resume therapy again, I just have a past due balance. It's costly, financially, and it started to add up, but I guess I see the long term consequences of not really trying to apply some things from therapy, financially and legally, and emotionally. Then again, I've been in "therapy" since early 2015, so coming up on two years now. I've gone through 3 different therapists. Have I gotten any better? Not going to blame them or say that therapy doesn't work. I know the consistency and more importantly my application of the skills taught are what need to happen. However, I usually just spend an hour talking about my problems and then that's it. I mean, I started going to therapy again because my ex said she would leave me if I didn't. Now here I am, she's gone, I'm still in and out of therapy, and I struggle with depression. Please guys don't jump at me saying the problem is me and that I am the reason nothing gets better. I hear what you're saying, that it's ME who needs to take charge. Sometimes I just need some guidance.

 

And no, I haven't and am not going to continue to try and contact this more recent girl we were discussing. I was stupid, fell too fast, even got annoyed with some of her behaviors, etc. She wanted to remain "friends", I said no. I deleted her on social media, I'm not interested in that.

 

Right now dating feels way too exhausting. Plus, how can I even be honest and up front about some of the stresses I face with new women I date? I just can't. I mean, sure, you don't tell people your problems up front, but that was one thing my ex told me was that if she knew how many "issues" I had, she wouldn't have ever talked to me. That never made me feel good when she would scream that at me while calling me names I'm not going to mention here and telling me to go get my balls cut off, saying I'm a POS and that she wished I would just kill myself, etc. She would always say "you made me this way!" and told me that I caused her to say those things. Ugh, and now I have to try and convince a judge to please not make a temporary order permanent without sitting there going over 2yrs worth of drama, which I hope the judge doesn't care to hear and doesn't have time for. People who are trying to console me in real life are telling me that certainly this isn't the first case of a relationship gone bad and one side files a restraining order for whatever reason. And the way she wrote it all out was almost scripted, like someone put her up to this. Maybe she wanted to make it clear to her "new bf" how serious she was and she'd show him by doing this to me. Because honestly, she could have done this at any point, why now? I clearly should not have texted her, but I know for a fact that I certainly didn't go ringing her doorbell at night and run away. That's so dumb. And my text was fairly innocent. All I said was I loved and missed her. I wasn't being threatening or saying anything whatsoever.

 

But I do realize for a fact that I've not only got to let her go, but I've got to work to make sure it never happens again. I don't want to get in trouble any more than I am, legally. I've been fine my whole life and have been very proud of that. I don't want my problems to become a permanent stamp on my record and who I am. It could be 3-4yrs from now and I could be all kinds of cured and "better" of my issues, but if an RO is still there hanging over my head, it's going to be even harder to let that part of my life go.

[ChasingHope]

OP--one small piece of advice--I would encourage you not to go into the court proceedings next week and show that you think this restraining order is "bogus" or ridiculous. The fact is (after a quick read thru your previous posts) your ex has asked you to STOP contacting her and no longer wants you in her life. Even if you didn't ring her doorbell and run, you did text her after she has told you she no longer wants to hear from you. She probably sees this restraining order as the only way you will no longer be able to contact her. No one put her up to this--she is at the end of her tether and is making a final and concerted effort to eliminate you from her life. As far as the boyfriend goes, he probably is somewhat involved. I know that if I said to my boyfriend, "this guy will not leave me alone" he would also encourage me to take measures to keep myself safe.

 

I know this comes across as harsh, and I don't want to add to your pain--but I think it is obvious to many members here that you are creating your own heartache. When you said that dating was too exhausting right now, I'm sure there was a collective sigh of relief. Also, you are very correct in assuming that no woman would be interested in a guy who is in the middle of possibly getting a restraining order from his ex. And the fact that you are so frightened of being alone that you would be overly aggressive in getting into a relationship with someone you don't even seem to like would indicate that is EXACTLY why you need to be alone.

 

As many have said on here, the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. Do something completely different from what you have been doing and see what that outcome is.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I've had that same sort of advice put to me as well, and I see the partial wisdom, if you will. However, I simply can NOT go in there saying "hands up don't shoot" and take it lying down. Do I agree with you that she has asked me to not talk to her and I have done so? Yes. I cannot deny this. The last we spoke, was two months ago where SHE asked that we have a phone conversation. I told her I was driving but she could call. When she did, we talked briefly about how we couldn't get back together, I started to tear up and I said I understood and said goodbye. Fast forward one month, I had a moment of sadness after a close family member left town and I reached out to her. Should I have had the strength to NOT text her? Yes, of course, that's easy to reflect on, restraining order pending or not. However, I did NOT go ring her doorbell nor did I contact her again. I DO see this as her pulling the plug for real and making it very clear to me. Some people in my life who know about this entire situation have questioned why she didn't just block my number or change her number if she was THAT afraid etc. You guys might see me saying this as justification, but I'm just saying.

 

It's just the suggestion that I shouldn't contest this, or I shouldn't state my case and at least ask the judge not to make this permanent frustrates me. Like I said, why not change her number, why not block me? Why feel the need to be so incredibly vindictive or aggressive via the court system, especially when she could have done this at any time in the past?

 

All I want to make clear is that I now fully understand the severity of this situation and how it can possibly affect me, especially to the judge. Does me sending an innocent text telling her I missed her make me a criminal? I mean, would any of you feel unjustly? Look, I'm already serving on probation, and it's a deferred sentence, which means that once successfully completed, I'm able to make it all go away and won't be on my records. Those were the judge's words herself I remember "it will be like this never happened". Why would I want to mess that up?

 

If this restraining order is made permanent, this will have consequences for years if not forever to include my chances for employment and housing. Is that fair? Am I supposed to wear a badge of punishment for the rest of my life and risk not being able to get a job or a place to live because of a background check? Or having to explain that to future potential girlfriends without having them look at me differently, FOREVER? I get it, it's over. I have had that realization many times off and on over the past year. Remember, I was the one who broke up with her in Oct 2015 when she was throwing my things outside in the garage, taking pictures of them, and texting them to me all while calling and screaming at me to answer my phone demanding that we work this out together or she was going to call the police. She was hysterical.

 

I do not and will not use the words or display the idea that this is "ridiculous" or anything to the judge, but I do want to have my day in court, literally I guess, and be allowed to speak my side, which is that I think this is a little over the top and will do more damage to my own personal life. Plus, if it becomes permanent, and what happens if her door bell rings again and she thinks it's me? Now I've got to make sure to keep a lookout behind my back and over my shoulder just to be safe I don't accidentally bump into her in public so that I don't go to jail? I'm sorry, it IS ridiculous! I don't want to be afraid to go to the mall or the dog park to play with my dog for fear of running into her or something. I don't want to be afraid where to go for lunch at work because she works across the highway from me and when we were together, we used to go to the same places to eat together. I am not stalking her, I am not following her, I'm not showing up at her place, I'm not ringing her doorbell, I'm not ANYTHING except that stupid innocent text which I regret sending enormously.

 

I even went back in my phone as far as March. Found another day where at like 6pm, she pulled this same thing, texted me "Were you at my house today?" and I was AT WORK all day and showed one of my coworker friends and we laughed since he'd been with me all day. I am far from perfect, but either she has an imagination that the doorbell rang or does have some sort of a motive as far as being slightly vindictive. Why didn't she call the cops then? Why didn't she do a restraining order then? I replied to her that day too "No, I've been at work, what the heck?" and she said "If you weren't at my house, then nevermind". What gives?

 

I have accepted the fact that if this becomes permanent, I can't do anything about it. But I know we're all objective here, so can for one second this not just be all about all of my problems and put yourself in my shoes for a second. Would you not want to at least tell the judge your side of the story? How many times has a judge seena disgruntled ex in civil/family court try to inflate something or make something up entirely just to get the other person in trouble?

[Almira23]

Bigspoon, I would definitely go to court and attempt to prove that you were not stalking her. I would also pull your logs at work and show the judge that you were clocked in at work when she is saying that you were ringing her door bell and running off.

Most likely, she complained to her boyfriend that you were contacting her and he convinced her to file the restraining order.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Bigspoon, I would definitely go to court and attempt to prove that you were not stalking her. I would also pull your logs at work and show the judge that you were clocked in at work when she is saying that you were ringing her door bell and running off.

Most likely, she complained to her boyfriend that you were contacting her and he convinced her to file the restraining order.

 

My thoughts exactly. Now that she might finally be in a "serious" relationship after all this time. Why not block my number? You can do this both through whatever phone device you have AND/OR your cell carrier. I've blocked people before, and today's technology/privacy makes it even easier to do so. And I've absolutely been gathering as much "evidence" of my own to show where I was, which was nowhere near her residence.

[ChasingHope]

Perhaps she feels that blocking you would only push you to find other ways to contact her, including going to her house or work? When she invited a conversation between the two of you to discuss why you would not be getting back together, my assumption is that she did it because she was hoping that it would finally give you some closure so you would move on and stop contacting her.

 

Regardless--yes, you do have the absolute right to defend yourself. I hope things work in your favor.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you put your hands in the air and just surrender to a permanent restraining order. What Chasing Hope was suggesting is that, when you go to court, you should take care NOT to take an obvious attitude that you think the whole thing is ridiculous/bogus even if you DO think it is. That means being calm, not showing any anger in court, taking care not to roll your eyes or sigh audibly or take an overly defensive tone. Just state what happened, in a matter-of-fact tone, and let that speak for itself.

 

I don't know the whole story -- none of us knows what's going on in her head -- but people don't only get restraining orders because they fear for their safety. Sometimes, they just get them because they feel they're being harassed, and they want it to stop. Note that I said they FEEL they're being harassed -- I'm not saying you DID harass her. She sounds as though she may be a bit vindictive; all the more reason to steer clear of her for good. No one is worth getting into that kind of trouble over.

 

I wanted to address your point from your last long post where you said that your relationship problems aren't all your fault. I don't think any of us intended to imply that; certainly, there are two people in every relationship. What people are suggesting to you is that there's a pattern -- perhaps in the women you're interested in and choosing to date -- and there's a pattern in how your relationships end up. Since you are the common denominator in all of these relationships, it's a good idea to take a good, long look at your relationship choices and think about how you can choose differently next time.

 

I think it's a good idea for you to take your focus off dating, for now, and deal with the legal issues and get that all that out of the way before you start looking to date.

[Ms Darcy]

I know you say you get it but if you really got it, you would take a break from dating and learn how to love yourself a bit more/heal from some of your major emotional wounds.

 

It's just sad because I know the history and your story. You've really been through a lot and it's going to take some time (and possibly meds) to heal/help you stabilize. You have a mental condition that makes it nearly impossible for you to will yourself into healthier emotional reactions.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you put your hands in the air and just surrender to a permanent restraining order. What Chasing Hope was suggesting is that, when you go to court, you should take care NOT to take an obvious attitude that you think the whole thing is ridiculous/bogus even if you DO think it is. That means being calm, not showing any anger in court, taking care not to roll your eyes or sigh audibly or take an overly defensive tone. Just state what happened, in a matter-of-fact tone, and let that speak for itself.

 

I don't know the whole story -- none of us knows what's going on in her head -- but people don't only get restraining orders because they fear for their safety. Sometimes, they just get them because they feel they're being harassed, and they want it to stop. Note that I said they FEEL they're being harassed -- I'm not saying you DID harass her. She sounds as though she may be a bit vindictive; all the more reason to steer clear of her for good. No one is worth getting into that kind of trouble over.

 

I wanted to address your point from your last long post where you said that your relationship problems aren't all your fault. I don't think any of us intended to imply that; certainly, there are two people in every relationship. What people are suggesting to you is that there's a pattern -- perhaps in the women you're interested in and choosing to date -- and there's a pattern in how your relationships end up. Since you are the common denominator in all of these relationships, it's a good idea to take a good, long look at your relationship choices and think about how you can choose differently next time.

 

I think it's a good idea for you to take your focus off dating, for now, and deal with the legal issues and get that all that out of the way before you start looking to date.

 

I know no one knows the whole story, and no one ever will. Asking a judge to make a decision that will have long lasting (forever) consequences on me after only hearing what we each have to say and any "evidence" presented is what's keeping me up at night. And in a Civil case, the standard of proof is a lower one than a criminal case. There is no scrutiny of the evidence, it's not subjected to any means of verification, it's only a matter of who can provide more proof than the other. I reacted strongly to ChasingHope's post, I know what you're saying about remaining calm and staying composed in the courtroom. I certainly won't be displaying any emotions, I'm going to keep them inside. It's going to be hard, especially if this new boyfriend is with her and whoever else she brings, or all these pictures/videos etc of the "abuse" evidence she has

 

As far as her merely FEELING harassed as opposed to feeling that her safety is in jeopardy as the reason for the RO, I understand people do that. However, that's not what she wrote down. She checked the boxes for Stalking and Domestic Violence. She went on to detail in specifics a fight we had in Las Vegas, Sept 2015 that had her Mom calling the hotel security to get me kicked off the property. She then bought me a hotel room down the road because she felt bad about what had happened too.

 

She also went into painful personal detail, going on about my mental diagnosis, (BPD, depression, PTSD), really writing everything that's "wrong" and bad about me to really nail it. It wasn't as simple as "I asked him to leave me alone and he kept texting me". She painted me out to be a horrible monster.

 

My mind even begins to wander slightly, if her doorbell did ring, maybe this new bf has something to do with this, God who knows. I know in my heart of hearts it wasn't me. And what's to stop her doorbell from ringing again and her trying to accuse me? I'm also scared to lose the feeling of freedom to go to a public place in town that she just might show up at. And also, if the judge reads the 3 pages of stuff she wrote and asks me if it's all true, I will not self incriminate myself and only pray the judge also knows there are two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. Of course, an elected official (judge) would probably err on the side of caution and grant this order, and I'll be able to do nothing. I just don't know how far she wants to nail me into the ground/to the wall. Bringing up the last fight we had, nearly exactly 1yr ago just seems a little off.

 

 

But yes, I do make similar mistakes and/or choose similar women/situations. I can own that. I figure most people tend to do the same in relationships unless they learn otherwise. I'm trying to learn. I feel a pang of sadness in anticipation that things will never change, but like one therapist told me: you're in hell, but the ladder to get out of hell is so hot it hurts to touch it to climb up the steps out of hell that every time you touch it, you don't want to touch it again.

 

I'm not completely powerless though. I've kicked a few meds I was really hooked on and it feels good to be rid of those and I've been working out and eating much healthier in my life lately. I also live by myself and I have a dog I love a lot.

 

 

I know you say you get it but if you really got it, you would take a break from dating and learn how to love yourself a bit more/heal from some of your major emotional wounds.

 

It's just sad because I know the history and your story. You've really been through a lot and it's going to take some time (and possibly meds) to heal/help you stabilize. You have a mental condition that makes it nearly impossible for you to will yourself into healthier emotional reactions.

 

You remember my stuff from 2013 about the ex who I'm dealing with the restraining order with? Yes I've been through a lot even since before then. Meds I'm on, courtesy of the great VA. They don't help any more than they ever have. I mean, it's been a few years now of the same stuff. And despite what you guys might think, I try not to give up at first try. I could have given up many many times in my life and plenty of people have commented on that to me, but I don't want to give up. I really do wish I can find peace and happiness in life. I want to have a family someday, but not until I make sure I'm the best person I can be and heal.

 

I am going to take a break. Like I said it's exhausting and only heartbreaking every time. I especially fear an oncoming deep depression if this unnecessary restraining order is made permanent. We both have enough scars from that relationship, I don't want another one.

 

When you say nearly impossible, ouch.

[Ms Darcy]

That's not an insult. It's an observation. You can't "get there" emotionally on your own. You need some help. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I'm glad you are on meds though.

[Almira23]

I am sorry that you're dealing with this situation bigspoon. I hope everything goes well during your court hearing and that the judge throws the case out. As others have stated, just remain cool and composed. Everything should work out in your favour if you remain level headed.

[Almira23]

how has everything been for you recently?

[TheSpoon2Big]

Hey all-

 

Not good. Court yesterday was miserable for a variety of reasons. At least her new "boyfriend", if that's even true, wasn't there. It was just me and her and the judge. The judge basically said the allegation that I was at her house was ridiculous and all the things I collected to show that I was not at her house either of the times she claimed were void in a sense, because he believed me. He asked her "what does your dog being outside in the yard have anything to do with you thinking he was at your house?" and she said "because she doesn't know how to use the doggie door". Seriously? Anyway, what he didn't believe was that I would stop contacting her. I tried to tell the judge that there were times when the contact was mutual or that she initiated it (twice), but he didn't care really. What hurt was seeing her again, having to go up to the stand and face her and vice versa. She also had a collection of pictures of random fights we had. She showed a picture to the judge of some kind of bruise thing on her finger where a ring would be, I couldn't really make it out, and said that was from me. She showed pictures of texts of our fights, when I would break down and tell her I'm a piece of sh*t etc. I didn't have the pictures of her nails digging into my face because I didn't want to bring that up. Regardless, the stuff from 2014 and 2015 that she was showing was NOT the situation at the present moment. She is NOT "fearing for her life" or whatever. All I did was innocently text her occasionally, like in April when I had a bad car accident and she mutually responded saying "Wow what happened, I hope you are OK, what's going on?" etc. The last text in July was in a moment of sadness because my nephew had just left town. Anyway, it doesn't matter what I say or feel, the judge granted her the permanent order. My ex said I have all these mental disorders BPD PTSD depression. The judge then went into a bit about "thank you for your service, I know that you saw and went through things that were not your choice" and "I hope you get help" etc. I told the judge repeatedly that I understand the severity of this, your honor, and I will not and have no desire to contact her ever again. I told him I realized it was truly over, but he sided with her.

 

I feel like a piece of crap. I'm feeling better today than yesterday. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. I know it's over and there is no going back with her, I get that. I wouldn't want her back now regardless. But the fact that I'm sort of "branded" with this publically just kills me. I'm not a bad person, I don't ever wish harm on anyone, I'm a really loving person and I care about people. I joined the Army because I wanted to serve and protect. Afterward, I almost got on with two different police departments where I live. I passed all the physical, psychological tests, polygraph, background, etc. I just didn't make the top 10 or whatever. So then I went to college for Criminal Justice and thought then I'd go back to them. Throughout school, I worked in correctional settings with adults and juveniles. I wanted to make a difference in society. I lost my brother to suicide, I saw things in the Army and lost 4 friends and two more badly injured. I wanted to help people any way I could. Now this protective order makes it look like I am this horrible monster. I don't know, maybe I am.

[gp11a]

You're not a monster -- if you were, you wouldn't be posting here or seeking to continuously improve yourself. And anyone you get involved with, after you feel you are healed and ready, should be able to understand with your explanation. Everyone has a past and stories, and people change. Just keep moving forward towards your goals and become a stronger person. Don't lose yourself in this because focusing on yourself is the most important thing right now. Don't cover it up with seeking out someone else immediately. I wish I could comment more on protective orders, but I just don't know enough information about them. I'm very sorry to hear about your experience in court.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the protective order is just about ensuring that you stop contacting her. That's it. It's not about more than that. You did contact her not too long ago correct? (Outside of responding to her direct communications with you.) If so then yes ... you definitely need to recognize this is about ensuring that you don't do that anymore.

[TheSpoon2Big]

You're not a monster -- if you were, you wouldn't be posting here or seeking to continuously improve yourself. And anyone you get involved with, after you feel you are healed and ready, should be able to understand with your explanation. Everyone has a past and stories, and people change. Just keep moving forward towards your goals and become a stronger person. Don't lose yourself in this because focusing on yourself is the most important thing right now. Don't cover it up with seeking out someone else immediately. I wish I could comment more on protective orders, but I just don't know enough information about them. I'm very sorry to hear about your experience in court.

 

Thanks. I appreciate what you said. I'm not going to cover this up with seeking someone else immediately. Like I said before, the thought of dating just seems exhausting right now. It's the same thing over and over and never goes anywhere/lasts.

 

What really sucks and bothers me is having to explain to my next girlfriend, whether that's next month (not) or in 2 years, that I have a restraining order against me from my ex and not have her look at me differently. Say we go to get an apartment together or something, and we get denied because of my background, because of my ex, that's just great and puts me on thin ice and I would feel severely judged.

 

I think the protective order is just about ensuring that you stop contacting her. That's it. It's not about more than that. You did contact her not too long ago correct? (Outside of responding to her direct communications with you.) If so then yes ... you definitely need to recognize this is about ensuring that you don't do that anymore.

 

Yes, I certainly realize that. I almost had a sigh of relief afterwards, even though she "won", just knowing it's over. You guys might not know me that well, but anyone in my close personal life knows that I am not stupid enough to try contacting her now and risk going to jail over it. Not only would that be stupid, ruin my life even more, and do absolutely nothing positive for my own mental health. Yes, I texted her exactly a month ago today in a moment of weakness/sadness because I had just had a family member leave town and I was feeling down. Is that not OK? I mean, I was down, I did something stupid by texting her, I get it. Why didn't she just block my number? Like my PO said, what was wrong with the text that you sent? I said I shouldn't have sent it because she didn't want to hear from me, and he said "sure, but it wasn't threatening or demeaning or aggressive or anything whatsoever, you just said I miss you etc". And that warrants a restraining order that puts me at risk for going to JAIL if I so much as accidentally pass her on the highway since we work less than 1mi from each other's buildings, for example.

 

What I don't feel is fair is now that this is public record, it hurts my chances for say, if I was looking for employment, or looking for a new apartment to move into. Background checks will show these things. My brother in law is a police officer and likes to hunt a lot and my father is a huge gun collector and enthusiast, and now I'm forbidden from being around them with firearms. So I can't go way up in the mountains 4 hours away and hunt deer and elk with my sister's husband because of this protective order against someone who is absolutely at a 0% risk for her "safety" etc. I never went to her house, I never "stalked" her, I never bothered her so much as sending an innocent text saying that I missed her. So shoot me. But I know it's over now, for sure, 100%. I'll be using this as a vehicle for change.

 

Justified or not, I know the relationship is over. What pisses me off is the sort of extremity that this is. Like I said, it's not JUST about not contacting her. It's going to be public record and I can't own/buy/use a firearm (there goes my 2nd Amendment right), and now it hurts my chances for serious things like employment or housing. How is that fair?