The Tale of One Interest

[Larkin]

Don't say jack about relationship stuff. Let her twist in the wind.

 

Just say "Here are your notes, I am on my way to meet a friend, so I've got to run." And if she isn't home when you stop by, leave them by the door with a note that says, "Here are your notes. Good luck with class!" or whatever. You live in a tight knit community. Keep your cards a little bit close.

 

Agree with this. That stuff about "If anything changes, contact me and we'll go on a date blah blah blah" just makes you seem needy, in my opinion. Give her the notes and be on your merry way. You have other fish to fry.

[youareworthy]

I have to agree with I Think I Can and Larkin. Don't say anything about the relationship, no friendship, etc. The part about no friendship smells a tinge bitter, and that is not the aroma you want to leave her smelling.

 

Keep is casual and light. She is not crazy about you. If she becomes so, she knows how to reach you, but she is nowhere near that yet. What I see is that she is giving breadcrumbs which you are hopefully interpreting as "I said you'd be back. See, you are already back."

 

As you yourself said, any number of things could have happened in the last few days. But nothing she has done this week has been an outright, "I want to date you now."

 

You will feel a whole lot better when you get some distance between yourself and this intoxicating but lukewarm woman.

 

Take care, Sportster!

[Sportster2005]

I am going to drop them off, and say, O.K. see ya later.

 

If she texts me to go dancing or go somewhere, I will go, if I'm not busy.

 

I do agree, there's no need to clarify anything, or talk about anything. Just drop of her papers. I suspect she'll want me to come in for coffee. I think I'll turn around and leave before she asks. I don't think she will wonder why I left. I'll completely abandon this (if I don't anyways) if she is trying to manipulate a friendship. Which is perplexing. Maybe she thinks the nice diners out can continue, and the rabid affection and attention..... or maybe she genuinely likes me and is still ambivalent. What's lost in all of this, is we still don't know each other that well. She may want to still get to know me from a safe distance. Or she maybe still assessing among other men. Isn't that the way dating works? It might not be mixed signals. She just hasn't made up her mind. I intend to go on with my life and try to date other women. I don't want to sever ties with her. I do want to leave a back door open. Unless of course she becomes vocal about how well it's working with the other guy. Which she might try tomorrow to test my reaction.

 

Anyways, my plan is to simply stop thinking about this. I'm going to drop in, and drop out real face. Big charming smile, let her know I'm happy to see her, and cordially excuse myself. She likes me. She professed finding my cute and called me a good kisser. She wants her partner to be a dancer. It might be minimal interest. But it has to start somewhere.

 

She was much more interested when this all started back in May/June. I was too busy being insecure and screwing up. I wonder how this might have played out differently.

[IAmFCA]

I am going to drop them off, and say, O.K. see ya later.

 

If she texts me to go dancing or go somewhere, I will go, if I'm not busy.

 

I do agree, there's no need to clarify anything, or talk about anything. Just drop of her papers. I suspect she'll want me to come in for coffee. I think I'll turn around and leave before she asks. I don't think she will wonder why I left. I'll completely abandon this (if I don't anyways) if she is trying to manipulate a friendship. Which is perplexing. Maybe she thinks the nice diners out can continue, and the rabid affection and attention..... or maybe she genuinely likes me and is still ambivalent. What's lost in all of this, is we still don't know each other that well. She may want to still get to know me from a safe distance. Or she maybe still assessing among other men. Isn't that the way dating works? It might not be mixed signals. She just hasn't made up her mind. I intend to go on with my life and try to date other women. I don't want to sever ties with her. I do want to leave a back door open. Unless of course she becomes vocal about how well it's working with the other guy. Which she might try tomorrow to test my reaction.

 

Anyways, my plan is to simply stop thinking about this. I'm going to drop in, and drop out real face. Big charming smile, let her know I'm happy to see her, and cordially excuse myself. She likes me. She professed finding my cute and called me a good kisser. She wants her partner to be a dancer. It might be minimal interest. But it has to start somewhere.

 

She was much more interested when this all started back in May/June. I was too busy being insecure and screwing up. I wonder how this might have played out differently.

 

Let's revisit the discussion about being distracted by looks, ignoring the pattern implied by 3 exhusbands and the push/pull communication style. Flip your thoughts around. You know who you are, Sportster, and so do we. She may be hot and engaging, but frankly, you can do better - especially when you recover your power over you. Had it turned out differently, it would have been worse, not better. Remember that. Her reaction to you does NOT get to reflect on who you are. Ever.

[youareworthy]

Rep points for this post, I Think I Can! Thanks for turning the tables on Sportster's negative musings on all his mistakes in this non-starter.

 

Sportster, this woman has struck me from early on as someone who is conflicted. Sometimes her behavior says, "I want you, chase me," but when you do, she backs off and says, "No, wait, I'm really not sure."

 

I had a mutual "Chase me, no don't chase me" thing with someone once. It was our little game. I called it the yes and no relationship. He'd say, "Do you want me to come over?" I'd answer, "Yes...and no!" Then I'd say, "What are you looking for in this situation? Friendship, benefits, a relationship?" He'd answer, "I don't know. Something beyond physical touch, and I definitely don't want to do the side-piece thing, but I won't be able to do a real relationship either...."

 

We were both thoroughly conflicted, and eventually we ended things mutually because though the relationship wasn't advancing, we were still magnetically drawn to one another. The only way the two of us felt we could subdue our mutual chemistry was NC.

 

That is why I was recommending not hanging out with this intoxicating but noncommittal woman. You are making a good decision about tomorrow, not to include any relationship talk.

 

Good luck tomorrow.

[journeynow]

" I don't want to sever ties with her. I do want to leave a back door open." = friendship for now?

[Sportster2005]

She added me as a favorite in May. I immediately asked her out. The next day, she sent me 'how was your day email?' And the sabotage began. For reasons I can't explain, I was terrified I would be where I was today. And I probably made sure it ended like this. I said to myself I would email when I went to Starbucks. There WiFi was done. I used that as an excuse to not email her. I could have used my phone to email. I could have said 'look forward to seeing you tonight'. That's would I would have normally done. But this was the woman I saw years ago, that evening in the bar.

 

She never showed up that night for the date. I kind of knew she wouldn't. She was playing her part. Now I could say I tried, but she stood me up. What a flake. All my fears were justified. O.K. only now come to terms with this. But back on POF I saw her profile. She had the most unique profile I've ever seen. To the point. She said she would contact men she thought she would have a connection with. She wasn't going to talk online. Her goal was to fall in love, and find someone to dance the rest of her days with. I regretted sabotaging things. And I was curious if was right about why she stood me up. I was. I was completely right. But this was a voice deep inside me. The one I knew was operating my levers, but I would deny it all. She said she regretted it and really would of liked to meet me. So we agreed to meet.

 

I successfully pushed he away, and then pulled her back in.

 

End of Act One.

 

Within 20 minutes of our first date, I knew I was in over my head. I knew this woman could get me to do anything. I couldn't understand why someone this gorgeous was out on a date with me. I date attractive women. I have some confidence. I'm in shape, interesting and fun. But it was a red flag. Her interest was over the top. The intense eye contact, the excuses she was using to touch me. I thought I would just lay bare all my insecurities and sabotage this in one fell swoop. I was going to stop her and just tell her "guys like me don't get to date beautiful women like you". That would have turned her off, or on? But it was surreal, and I couldn't believe this was happening to me. And it just wasn't her looks. She was exciting, interesting and fun.

 

She asked me out to her place. Not for sex. She has a problem. For some reason she thinks having a farm is a problem for men. She wanted to show me her farm. The whole time I was there she kept commenting about, there's a reason I'm single. I didn't understand. Regardless, I assured she was wrong. I said it was part of her appeal. She's strong and independent.

 

She continued to show strong interest the whole evening. But I was conflicted. When they come on this strong there's always something wrong. And at the same time it was too late. My heart was too far ahead of me. There's more about her that captured my imagination and heart. And admittedly there was a strong lust component. She made my heart beat fast. I never wanted a woman on so many levels so bad. I had to sabotage this before it was too late. Even as I was driving away still intoxicated, part of me was saying, just leave it here. You're not into too deep(although I was) and just be happy you know how feels to go on a date with a gorgeous woman.

 

We kissed good night. I said I would love to see you again. She said I would love to see you again too. She wanted to see me the next night. I of course became petrified. It's too fast too soon. Yet I wanted more than anything in the world. I told her I was busy. Which was true. I had another meet. One I wasn't too terribly keen on. We agreed on Saturday though. This was Wednesday night.

 

Thursday I couldn't stop thinking of her. I wanted to call of the other date and see her again. I used the knowledge that I should continue to date other woman as an excuse not to see her tonight. She was so keen on me. She wanted to go fast, no holds barred. It was what I wanted, but it was what I feared. This amount of infatuation, lust and sincere adoration would be the death of me. I felt like this once before with a woman. It ended bad. I was devastated. Spiraled out of control. Much of that was driving me to sabotage this. I know there's something in my psyche that makes me stupid when it comes to some women. This was one of them. It was simply playing with fire. I've avoided contacting her over the years. But here we are.

 

I went on my date that Thursday night. I thought about her the whole time.

 

Friday I was supposed to contact her and set up a date for Saturday. I didn't. I was prepared to let it go. I would never have her. She was too interested, too fast. I could let her go.

 

I managed to push her away.

 

Monday came. I had to have her. I set my settings so she could see that I viewed her profile. I also noticed I wasn't on her favorite list. I couldn't just contact her. It was a long shot I figured. It worked. She sent me a 'Hey there'. I responded it was nice to see hear from her. She said I thought we were going out Saturday and you had lost interest. I reeled her back in.

 

End Of Act Two.

We went on Wednesday. It was clear she was very much into me. We were making plans for Halloween, She wanted to visit my place. She told me that night it was one of the funnest nights of her life. We went back to her place. Once inside she hugged me and gave me the most memorable kiss of my life. She was beaming. She was so happy. It was real. She fell asleep draped across my lap. I nudged her, told her she was falling asleep. She walk up and smiled contently and said "I know". I felt safe now. I could pursue her. I wanted her. She wanted me. It was inevitable. I felt confident she wasn't so out of my league. I was the happiest I could ever remember being.

 

I had some momentum. I wasn't going to play push/pull. I wasn't going to sabotage this anymore. I told her I wanted to see her the next night. She said maybe, she could switch around her schedule.

 

The next day she said she couldn't. But she offered Friday, which I couldn't. I offered Saturday. She couldn't. But I pushed and pushed.

 

And as I continue writing this, my anxiety is going up. I feel distressed. Recounting this and everything else. Around and around in my mind it goes.

 

She backed out of Saturday. She told me exactly why, and said we could reschedule.

 

I acted like a petulant child. I was done with this. I dare you lift me up and then ruin my fantasy world I had created for us. I sent her a nasty text I couldn't recover from. I pushed her away.

 

Monday comes and I have to pull her back in. I email her an apology on POF. We play a little game. She states she's not monitoring her profile anymore. She texts me. Says she sees a message from me, but is not going on POF. We go back and forth. I won't tell her what it is. She eventually reads it. Texts me that's she read it, and that she closed her profile, if I tried to reach in there. I could seek clarification. But I would rather assume it's done.

 

End of Act Three

I tortured myself for about a month. Wondering what she meant by saying she read my apology but not addressing it. I think about her day and night. And as time goes on I risk losing her forever. I risk her meeting someone else. I wonder if she already has. One day I'm standing in a florists. Ready to put a hand written note in some roses and send it to her. I chicken out. I would rather live in suspended ignorance. Wishing and hoping she is still interested. I think th best thing would be to bump into her. Get a read on her and see. But time is marching on.

 

I finally find my balls and text her. It's a little over the top. I tell her I'm still interested and I want to see her again. She says no problem. She doesn't respond to asking her out again. I text her. She apologizes for her ambiguity. She says she was never mad. She says she's not sure of her interest in me, because I blocked her out. But yes, we can meet.

 

Before this she was interested and acted interested. Ever since we started chatting and going on dates since this interruption it does't feel the same. She's not as interested. It starts to almost feel like friends. Even our first meeting was odd. She put no effort in at all. Was completely ambivalent. I had to really insist. I ended up visiting her. We discussed the month of silence. She thought I was upset because she changed our plans. I told I thought she was upset because of my nastiness. We realize there's been a mistake.

 

But nothing seemed the same. It was a roller coaster. I figured I had done too much damage early. I try to make up for it by making sure she knows i'm into her. She seems to like it. She says not frightened by how much I like her. I whisper how I was crazy about her from the first time I saw her. She melts, we make out a bit. And then I notice the hot/cold is happening sometimes minutes apart. We are making out and she mentions she just got tested and expects her partner to be tested. I said I agree. I told her I don't want to be presumptuous, but I'll get tested anyways. It might take some time. And then she immediately starts to back pedal. Says she was only saying that her partners had to be tested. Almost matter of fact and it had nothing to with us laying on her bed fooling around. But we have a nice slow kiss good night, agree to setup another time to see each other.

 

We couldn't go out as planned she was stuck mending a friend's sick goat. She invites me over. I come in the house and try to hug her. She won't. Says she feels too dirty. She's focused on the goat. The other farmer is there. It's very time consuming. I just stand around and watch. I know she's busy, but she's not showing any warmth at all. I figure she's just overwhelmed.

 

She gets that sorted. She starts to unwind. We go to the barn, she tends to the sheep. We come back in. We head for her coach. She has a couple of glasses of whine. Her workday is done and she seems focused on me. We start kissing. She starts tells me, I'm a good kisser, I'm cute, she likes that I'm close by, she likes I'm willing to help with the farm, I think she wants to bring this to the next level. But she meanders about the love of her life. Maybe at 55 it's too late. I forget how we got to this point but she says "we're not dating". Which kind of surprised me. I ask her then what's this. She's not sure. Another instance of complete swing within minutes. Even as were kissing it's the same. It's intense, it cools off.

 

Earlier that evening I drove her to a store to pick something up. She started to talk about this friend. She mentioned he wanted more than friendship. She said was never going to happen. She said the friend accused her of not being a good friend. Then LO said she thought was out of line, because she left a guy because he didn't like this friend. She chose her friend over a guy she had dated. I felt uncomfortable. Because I think this happened during our month apart. I don't know for sure. But it would explain her wishy washiness.

 

We kiss good night after making some plans.

 

Thursday we are texting. It's afternoon, she has to do something. I tell her to let me know how she makes out. She says it will be too late. Talk to you tomorrow. Tomorrow comes. Her abruptness causes me concern. The last few days have been all over the place. Part of me wants to bolt. But I said I was going to pursue her until she says no.

 

I haven't heard from her. I'm afraid to contact her. I turn my phone off. Work is stressful. I'll deal with this later. I sense something the way she stopped texting me. Maybe there's another guy. I come home. I have my son. If our plan was to go out, we can't now. I'm back to sabotage. I check my phone. She has been trying to get a hold of me all day. I start to text her, she phones. There was a misunderstanding. We were going to do the Saturday thing. I was ecstatic. She wanted to see me earlier in the day. I would to go her work, then her home, out, and then back to her home. I felt it was going to happen. She wouldn't spend almost an entire day unless she was feeling sure about this.

 

I went. She seemed delighted to see me. She was busy there wasn't much chance to talk.

 

We leave the bar. We get to her house. We go inside. She won't make eye contact. She won't get near me. She's frantically doing things. I try to kiss her. She turns and gives me a kiss only have of my lips. We go to the barn. She's talking. I don't feel good at all. I just think I'm being insecure again. Sometimes she gets like this and warms up later when she's not so busy.

 

We go back in. She's sitting across from me. She's warming up again. Then she's cold again. She telling the story of her friend again. But she mentions she feels she was lied to and dumped the other guy after being manipulated. She states she can't take anyone right now. She needs to deal with unrequited feelings. She can't reciprocate anyone's feelings. She makes a strange comment about being upset like her other friend. I clarify it's not the same. He agreed to be her friend despite knowing she wasn't interested. I made it clear, I pursued her from day one for dating.

 

It becomes obvious she was out Thursday night with this guy, or was talking to him. Maybe she agreed to Saturday to give me one more shot. Maybe she thought she could announce this and we would just go about our day as planned.

And maybe I should have. Maybe she's conflicted between the two. And by walking away I sealed my fate. And maybe walking away I showed strength.

 

I'm confused. But what's not confusing is she explicitly said she can't reciprocate right now. Maybe I'm adding the 'right now' so it doesn't feel so harsh.

 

She wants to be friends. I decline.

 

I leave on a positive note. Confidently. I tell her she will be back. It's just a matter of time. I believed it at the time. I don't believe it now.

 

She sends me a text that night hoping that I wan't too upset at her, she's really sorry. Nothing about my feelings.

 

Monday she replies to an email I sent that Saturday. She says thanks, I say you're welcome.

 

Tuesday I feel encouraged by hearing from her by email. I text her asking her to send a picture of something. She does. We chat a bit. I try not to get excited.

 

Wednesday I think of copying some materials she lent me. And then I'll drop them off at her work. I scold myself. She can't date, she can't reciprocate, there's another man. Leave it be.

 

Thursday she texts me wanting the materials back. I always thought we are a lot alike. Now she might be pushing and pulling. But I offer to drop them off. She says it would be nice to see me again. Of course I'm excited. But I try to remain calm. She's just being friendly, she wants to be friends. I let it go.

 

She texts me again that night. Wondering if I'm going to a certain dance. I say no. I'm going to dance practice. I want to get good. She says 'good!!!'. I'm encouraged. She wants her partner to be a dancer. She offers "we will have to practice together". I see this as pretty clear interest. I can't see us dancing together and not getting involved.

 

But Friday comes, and so does reality. I'm sick. My anxiety level is past what I can manage. I want her so bad. I can't ignore what she said last Saturday. I can't ignore these cookie crumbs. I don't know what to do. I search for an answer in vain. Why do I want her? The dancing, yes. He beauty, yes. Her personality, yes. But she seems all over the place. I'll only eventually get devastated by this woman. She knows she I'm intoxicated by her. But what does she realy want? ???? Did things flop with the other guy. I am an options. Or, did she internalize she isn't into me, and now what's my friendship.

 

I decide as an act of strength to drop them off in person. I don't want to play games. I won't say I'm "off with friends". I don't know what I'll say. I know she'll invite me in for coffee. I know I'll want to. I fantasize she'll say 'come out to the house' after work. I don't think she likes to be vulnerable. As I walk in she won't say "I'v changed my mind". She will have to see if I'm still interested. She want take a risk. And I know it seems odd. But that's her MO the entire time. Any bumps and she assumes I'm not interested. She's a lot like me I think.

 

I pull up to the bar. I'm almost throwing up. I haven't slept well or eaten well in days. I feel this woman was mine to lose, and I did. I opened a window for another man to get her attention. I played push/pull with her. I don't know what to say or do now. I hope when I see her I won't get excited. I walk in she looks up. It's not like last week. She was really happy to see me. I can't read her entirely. It seems like she's a little neutral. For someone who said it would be nice to see you, she doesn't seem to happy. I think even a friend would be more happy. But I can't be concerned. I was almost hoping she wouldn't be too happy. That means she's clearly put me in the friend zone. It feels odd.

 

I walk up to the bar. She's behind it. Not many pleasantries. Maybe she's subdued by guilt. After she offered to practice dancing together, I said "I would love that". Then maybe it her she was leading me on. She started a tirade about work. She stopped as I handed her the package. I wish I could read her better. She seemed flat. Neither of us were making eye contact. I think I knew she was over me. I think she knew I could never be her friend. She said "thanks". I said "thanks very much I appreciated it". I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to leave. And i knew chatting with her was a mistake. I said "see you later". She said "You're not going to stay for a coffee or something". I didn't know what to do. I was going to play I'm busy, I didn't want her to know my heart was breaking that moment seeing her again.

 

I said "No I don't think so". She turned away from me and said "oh O.K" I turned and said by, she said by. Was it a simple exchange. Someone dropping off a package? Maybe she really didn't care if stayed or left. What was she thinking? feeling? I couldn't tell. And maybe I couldn't tell because I was too busy looking for something that wasn't there. Why did I feel confused. Was it because I just refused to believe it's truly over. Was I misreading her flatness as something it's not. I retrospect if I had the coffee I think it would be revealed. Or maybe not. It her style she could go back and forth.

 

I got back in the car. I drove away, but I wanted to drive by the front of the pub. I wanted to try and see in. I wanted to know if she was at least looking out. Could she just let me drive away. Would she want to see me drive away. I started by slowly she came out and started to wipe the already clean tables. They would have just opened. There were two customers inside. When I came in LO was behind the bar. I slowed and watched. She saw me, she waved, she wouldn't look up. I waved back I drove a bit more. She waved again. I couldn't figure this out. She seemed to wave quickly as she looked down an tended to tables that were clean. Was she trying one last time to keep me. Or was she just just cleaning table. Am I building castles in the sky?

 

I got around the corner. My face was drenched in tears. Not all sadness. Extreme stress. Extreme frustration. I knew better.

 

I ended up clubbing that night. I had so much energy. It was 3:00 AM I was on a dance floor among 20 somethings. I had been dancing all night. I tried to drink to just get a buzz. Not too drunk. It would only make things worse. I did O.K.

 

I really enjoyed myself.

 

I checked my phone all night. Even it was fleeting I wanted that high. I want so her name on the notifications. I just wanted to feel good, even if it was just temporary.

 

Today I just run that image in my mind. I'm driving away, she's waving. Am I projecting? She seemed like she just wasn't waving. I don't think she came out for the sake of it. I'm driving away, she's waving. That's the last memory of her I'll keep. And you could read all these threads and conclude otherwise, but I think we are two people desperately wanting love, and we just cant' get past our insecurities. I don't think she'll be looking for it from me anymore. She's mined my emotions dry. I can't ever risk it again. I can't delude myself again. Even if she became clear in her interest, she'll use the way I just didn't stay for coffee to convince herself that I lost interest. That a good man could love her with all her failings. I don't think she believes it. I think she wants to be distracted by another man. She can't reciprocate? She doesn't want to. It terrifies her. Better a whirlwind of confusion. She made herself available and vulnerable in the beginning. I couldn't stop screwing it up. I made it impossible for her. I made myself available and vulnerable and available for the second half and she was near gone. I don't know what happened for sure. I suspect an element of sabotage. She walked up to the edge. She listed all the things she liked about me. Then she waxed philosophically about her age and how love had been elusive. Maybe she simply didn't want to get her hopes up. Neither of us can go slow. It can't happen naturally. It can't happen at all.

 

She maintains a FB group. Where to dance in the local area. I usually like the posts. And I usually click interested. This time I clicked attending. As I did it showed me my friends that are attending. She's one. I was hoping to get some closure. Now I have to see her at the event. Or realize I have to stay away from a community I've been getting immersed in.

[youareworthy]

Oh, Sportster. This is sad.

 

I am sorry you had to say goodbye to someone you really liked a lot.

 

Hang in there.

[IAmFCA]

My friend, I implore you. I say this with as much empathy as my crazy ENTP-self can muster. Sit down with yourself, your computer, and your thoughts. This story is about you. I know you know this, and we have touched on the source.

 

This episode is a gift. The gift that helps point the arrow at the part of you that is ready to be addressed, unpacked, and resolved.

 

Yes, you and she share a conflict and a need and a fear. And they are the same thing, something inside that compels you to be validated by, wanted by, proof-that-won't-be-rejected-by the other gender. when we said this before, you were able to articulate it. I applaud you, Sportster. You went for everything you saw in front of you. Pushing yourself past your fears and your comfort zone, through anxiety and uncertainty. You put yourself out there, because you are ready to be tested. You are ready to confront this dang thing. You put yourself out there, proved to yourself that this thing within really, truly, does need to be unpacked, laid bare in the daylight, and vanquished.

 

My goodness, man, it is time to declare yourself whole, self-made, dynamic, flawed, beautiful, and engrossingly, charmingly, human. You are attractive, sexy, risk-embracing, clear-headed. You are a gift to be around. I know you know this. You have the foundation, you know your strength. You have the strength to unpack this last piece of your foundation, evaluate it, reshape it until it reflects your strength, and then put it back in place.

 

You know you're ready for this possibly difficult and painful work, because you put yourself in her way as a Hail Mary pass, hoping she would make the work unnecessary.

 

I applaud your enterprising way, your motivation to walk point, to get what you want. I think you sought out exactly what you were looking for, and it only SEEMED to be her.

[reinventmyself]

Aww. . That was hard to read S. You can hear your disappointment.

I think new loves hurt just as much as ones of duration. You are at your highest and it's a long way to fall.

You were brave and put yourself out there and you handled your end with class. No regrets

Hang in there.

[Sportster2005]

My friend, I implore you. I say this with as much empathy as my crazy ENTP-self can muster. Sit down with yourself, your computer, and your thoughts. This story is about you. I know you know this, and we have touched on the source.

 

This episode is a gift. The gift that helps point the arrow at the part of you that is ready to be addressed, unpacked, and resolved.

 

Yes, you and she share a conflict and a need and a fear. And they are the same thing, something inside that compels you to be validated by, wanted by, proof-that-won't-be-rejected-by the other gender. when we said this before, you were able to articulate it. I applaud you, Sportster. You went for everything you saw in front of you. Pushing yourself past your fears and your comfort zone, through anxiety and uncertainty. You put yourself out there, because you are ready to be tested. You are ready to confront this dang thing. You put yourself out there, proved to yourself that this thing within really, truly, does need to be unpacked, laid bare in the daylight, and vanquished.

 

My goodness, man, it is time to declare yourself whole, self-made, dynamic, flawed, beautiful, and engrossingly, charmingly, human. You are attractive, sexy, risk-embracing, clear-headed. You are a gift to be around. I know you know this. You have the foundation, you know your strength. You have the strength to unpack this last piece of your foundation, evaluate it, reshape it until it reflects your strength, and then put it back in place.

 

You know you're ready for this possibly difficult and painful work, because you put yourself in her way as a Hail Mary pass, hoping she would make the work unnecessary.

 

I applaud your enterprising way, your motivation to walk point, to get what you want. I think you sought out exactly what you were looking for, and it only SEEMED to be her.

 

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of this ITIC. Thank you. I will respond as soon as I achieve some more clarity, thank you so much.

[Sportster2005]

I finally did what I would advise anyone else to do in my situation. I blocked her.

 

There's a song by an almost famous Canadian rock band named Trooper. After all is said done, I was taken for a ride by......

 

[video=youtube;xQhn2sy8r5g] ]

[IAmFCA]

I finally did what I would advise anyone else to do in my situation. I blocked her.

 

There's a song by an almost famous Canadian rock band named Trooper. After all is said done, I was taken for a ride by......

 

]

 

Hahaha too perfect.

 

Not so applicable in details, but similar spirit and you might laugh like I do.

 

[video=youtube_share;_1oVrNIl0Vg] ]

 

And you're welcome, btw.

[catfeeder]

I finally did what I would advise anyone else to do in my situation. I blocked her.

 

There's a song by an almost famous Canadian rock band named Trooper. After all is said done, I was taken for a ride by......

 

My heart goes out to you, Sportster.

 

You don't need to be part of a fan club to someone who says, "We should dance." in the same way insincere people say, "We should do lunch."

 

You have too much to offer to hover around that.

 

Head high.

[Sportster2005]

Hahaha too perfect.

 

Not so applicable in details, but similar spirit and you might laugh like I do.

 

[video=youtube_share;_1oVrNIl0Vg] ]

 

And you're welcome, btw.

 

Stupid copywrite, that video isn't available in this country. But thanks

[Sportster2005]

My heart goes out to you, Sportster.

 

You don't need to be part of a fan club to someone who says, "We should dance." in the same way insincere people say, "We should do lunch."

 

You have too much to offer to hover around that.

 

Head high.

 

Thanks catfeeder. And thanks to everyone for being so supportive. You're an amazing group of people.

[superkatnip]

Sportster,

 

I have not posted in your thread, but have been following recently. I had to pass on virtual support and agree with all here that I thing you are doing the right thing. Also, just wanted to say kudos on the Trooper reference (also love the early incarnation Applejack.)

Good luck on your journey!

[Sportster2005]

Sportster,

 

I have not posted in your thread, but have been following recently. I had to pass on virtual support and agree with all here that I thing you are doing the right thing. Also, just wanted to say kudos on the Trooper reference (also love the early incarnation Applejack.)

Good luck on your journey!

 

Thank you

[Sportster2005]

Today was the last day I had any realistic chance of bumping into LO again. Before I blocked her on FB I noticed we were both 'attending' an event this morning. It was a free dance lesson in bachata. I thought it was odd she would attend. She's must too experienced for such an event. She posted the event in a page she maintains that I follow. I can't read her mind. But she does seem to like playing games. I wouldn't be surprised if this one last attempt to make sure I somehow stay in her orbit. And maybe her attending had nothing to do with me. Regardless she didn't show up.

 

I was a bit anxious this morning before going. I thought about not doing it to avoid her. But I wanted control of my destiny. If she was there I would be civil, but not engage in anything beyond pleasantries. The I was almost sick when I thought she could show up with the other guy. I was going regardless. I also realized the likely outcome was I would attend and she wouldn't. She usually works Saturday, so I'm not sure why she would plan to attend.

 

Anyways, realistically I may never see her again. It gives me a sense of relief. She was toxic to my well being. But part of me is sad.

 

There was a woman in my dance class this summer who was very attractive. She came every time with a guy so I just stayed out of the way. Then I saw her on Match. When I saw her on Match I realized she approached me on match a couple of months ago. I recognized her profile picture but I never recognized her in class. She hid her profile before I could talk to her?? Then it was available again. So I did email her. She was chatty but rejected my offer for coffee. She said she was dating someone and wanted to see where it went. Her profile remained hidden for a while. Then I noticed I could see it again, and she was looking at my profile every day. Long story short, sheesh, we're having coffee tomorrow.

[mines]

Oooh that sounds interesting! Keep us posted on how things go with your coffee date!

 

Always wishing you the best

[youareworthy]

Yay! I am happy you are back in the saddle again!

 

Youareworthy

[Sportster2005]

I was kind of concerned going out today with KM. I'm not sure I'm over LO. Which is kind of odd. I never even had a relationship with LO. Just a few months of frustration. I guess I am over her. I'm not sure I would be though if she somehow managed to contact me. I know too well when I have a very strong, if not appropriate, crush on a woman I find it very hard to maintain good judgement. I end up with an inner struggle. A very mature experienced man simply calling it as it is, versus a kid caught up in a lustful fantasy and infatuation. And even after this all over the two inner voices still struggle and fight. The wise elder is pretty convinced LO probably doesn't even know she's blocked, and probably cares very little if she was. She might be a bit offended, but would just shrug it off as some sap that likes her too much. Not her problem. And this upsets the kid in me. The one that holds on to a glimmer of hope. The one that fantasizes that LO had changed her mind, and that's why she contacted me in those final days. And by going no contact I finally and once and for all, destroyed any hope of being with the love of my life. And the battle goes on and on. But I know who is going to win. I just get tired of the fight. The outcome of all this happened two weeks ago.

 

I did go. I knew it was the healthy thing to do. I had the benefit of knowing her a bit. I knew she was very attractive. We seemed to enjoy our brief conversations at dance class.

 

I couldn't help compare her to LO. This was good and bad. She lacked the raw sex appeal of LO. I don't think many women have that kind of sex appeal. But she was sexy. She was very pretty. And at the end of the date I really wanted to kiss her. I think she did too. But she chose not to. Something I liked. We never really had a plan. Just to meet at 3:00 for coffee. We ended up having coffee, walking on the waterfront, than having something to eat on a pub patio. The date lasted four hours. She was more grounded and just nicer than LO. Compared to LO she was dull. But she wasn't dull. And that is more realistic. More real. That's the word I'm looking for. Real. Tangible. LO was a cloud of lust and infatuation. A woman used to having her way with men. KM was simply more pleasant. Where LO is exciting and interesting, I would never describe her as pleasant or calming. Probably the best way to describe it is, when I consider LO, my small head takes over and does all the thinking. With KM this afternoon I was able to think with my big head. The little head took notice, but I was able to shut him up.

 

And I shouldn't even compare them. It's just not a worthwhile pursuit.

 

As pleasant as KM was there were a number of small yellow flags. She struck me as a veteran of online dating. Much of the discussion was around online dating. I always get concerned when dates talk a lot about how awful it is, and they want to get off of there. If it is awful, and you don't want to be there, then why are you there? When I get tired of it, I take a break. It's just such a tiring conversation. I hate to say it but women that seem to go on and on about online dating are usually flaky. Maybe I'm being harsh. It's just that ever since she unhid her profile she seems to be there all the time. I only log in for brief times. She is always online. And I'm sure she wasn't free until late this afternoon because there were other coffee dates. Which doesn't bother me. It just seems like 'just another online dater'. Which isn't fair because I do it a lot too. It might even be hypocritical. But it felt like a yellow flag to me. Simultaneously dissing online dating and using it so often.

 

I'm also a little confused about her dance partner. At the danced class men line up on one side, women on the other. They practice their respective steps. Then you pick a partner and practice. I intentionally put myself right across the room from KM. Then we walked toward each other to partner up. This guy practically elbowed me out of the way just as I was about to get to KM. I thought he was a bit of an aggressive dik who sees himself as an alpha male. I was recalling this to KM tonight. She actually laughed and kind of thought the same thing. I observed them for the rest of the class. It didn't seem like they knew each other. He seemed touchy feely and was getting into her space. She didn't seem receptive and a little annoyed. But every class they danced together. And it looked like they were a couple by the end of it. I thought maybe they were all along. But tonight KM said he told her he was single and he was just looking for a single woman to be dance partner with. She told me they went to the summer end dance together. Then clarified that they just met there, they didn't go together. Something seems real fishy. I think she tried dating him and it didn't work out. Hence her appearance again on Match. And now they are taking lessons together, he had probably been sent to the friend zone. But this is all speculation. But it just seems odd. Regardless she made it clear today there is nothing there.

 

She also flipped back and forth about relationships and dating. At one time wondering out loud if it was worthwhile. She seemed convinced at some times that being single was the way to go. It comes across as mixed. Yeah it would be nice to have someone, but I don't know if it's worth the fuss. I'm not sure why women choose to communicate this. When considering to ask her out again I have to wonder if it's worth the effort if she's not so sure she even wants a relationship. And this kind of dovetails with the online dating veteran narrative. Kind of bitter actually.

 

Her husband left her about 20 years ago. She hasn't had much in the way of relationships since then. I can understand being a single parent. But her daughter has been an adult for a while. I didn't pry too much. She said she finished a one year relationship last summer.

 

Early in the meeting she asked me where I lived. She knew roughly because we talked about it at dance. I told her. She asked if the nearby new cafe was opened yet. I said no. She said her daughter used to work at the Starbucks, that was previously at that location. I asked when? She told me. I told her I would definitely have know her daughter. She then said she would actually go that Starbucks and is pretty sure she remembers seeing me there. She said I stood out, and I had a very unique look. Not sure how the details unfolded. She showed her daughter a picture of me, and asked if she remembers me. She said her daughter recognized me immediately and said I was one of her very favorite customers, and was a very nice man.

 

Then it gets kind of weird. She showed me a picture of her daughter. And then it hit me. I recognized her immediately. It was kind of cool. I remember her very well. It's kind of weird because I think she may have had a bit of an interest in me. She was too young for me. But she sometimes seemed to cross the line of friendly barista. But I was never entirely convinced. I was sitting with another couple I knew from hanging out there. She came in with a man my age. I thought it was her father. But the couple I was with said it was her bf, and she had a thing for much older men. I still gave her the benefit of a doubt, and dismissed the couple as idle gossipers. It was a reminder of how small this city really is.

 

Overall impression of KM though was very favorable, despite all the above. She was fun to talk with, is very pretty. I think we would get along good. I told her I would like to see her again and asked for her number. I would like to pursue it a bit more. There's really nothing else on the horizon, which is find. I'm talking to someone in another province. I can't see myself wanting to travel to see someone.

 

So I guess I'll see where this takes me. I like it. Enough attraction without being stupified. Some little warnings, nothing too outrageous. The reality is I'm a veteran of online dating too, so I shouldn't be quick to judge.

 

But if LO called and told me to come see her, I would jump in my car and go. But I didn't say that out loud, and I don't believe it.

[youareworthy]

I really hope LO doesn't call and tell you to come see her. It would just put you back on the roller coaster that is her way of handling relationships. This KM sounds like a much more stable woman. Drama is highly overrated, IMHO.

 

Definitely ask KM out again, Sportster!

[Sportster2005]

I really hope LO doesn't call and tell you to come see her. It would just put you back on the roller coaster that is her way of handling relationships. This KM sounds like a much more stable woman. Drama is highly overrated, IMHO.

 

Definitely ask KM out again, Sportster!

 

LO can't call. Unless she goes to another phone. I really doubt she's going to make any effort to contact me. What she wants from me, she can get anywhere. I don't mean that in a value way. I don't think she will get a guy like me. But she can find someone else to give her attention and dote over her. Maybe take her out to free meals. I suspect she was probably trying to turn this into an FWB. I only mention it, because I think I have some lingering stupidity left. And deep down I think any type of relationship with her would run its course quickly. There's a strong element of wanting what I can't have. And that wanting is intensified by having been so close. Especially early where she seemed much more interested. But enough about her....

 

I am definitely going to ask KM out again. There is some allure, attraction. Not so much though that I can't see the real her. The good and bad.

[John John]

My heart goes out to you, Sportster.

 

You don't need to be part of a fan club to someone who says, "We should dance." in the same way insincere people say, "We should do lunch."

 

You have too much to offer to hover around that.

 

Head high.

 

Agree with this. Sportster is just so much better than that. And I think he knows it. He just needs to continue moving forward and walking the walk. Sportster is sorta like me in the future. And I try to also "walk the walk" too.

 

I was on a date this past weekend. A random girl I picked up on the train (yeah...I did it....lol). She's a knockout...but the problem is, she blatantly knows it. She just sorta sat there with her arms folded. At one point ,she said "I can't stand guys with cats" and I responded (with a sarcastic, d*ck-ish face and delivery) "well, I guess you don't like me then!" I thought to myself "would you like some water to wash your foot down" (But I didn't say that). She then proceeded to tell me how in love she was with her career, bragged about her MBA (I have an MBA from a better school, but kept my mouth shut). If this was JohnJohn from 2 years ago, I'd have been auditioning to make her like me. This time, I just sat there, mentally rolled my eyes, had her split the bill when the time came, and just left to meet my friends afterwards like nothing. She texted me today. Won't be texting back.

 

Sportster, I think you know what I'm getting at by sharing this story