The Tale of One Interest

[missmarple]

I think you handled it well, Sportster and I'm glad that it seems like you took something positive from the experience. I also think she'll contact you again.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, good for you. At least you gave it a shot you could live with, with some closure if she never contacts you again.

 

But I'd still tweak some stuff if I were you. I know this advice usually falls on deaf ears on ENA in general, but I don't think that moving fast into physical/intimate territory often bodes well. I agree that when people come on hard and fast, it usually burns out as hard and fast. We have examples here aplenty. But I think you've played right into that and have matched her pace. It doesn't matter that she made the first moves, or came on strong, or whatever -- you're the one who took up those dance steps and made it pretty obvious you were head over heels for her. Women can read infatuation and a guy who will say "I would have fallen in love with you" or "I will make you mine" (even as a joke that reads as kind of overbearing to me) after what, 3, 4 get-togethers/dates, with a lot of lapsed time in between? I just think it's way too early for such pronunciations, and if you don't even know if someone wants to date you (or they have overtly told you they are noncommittal), then sleeping with them/even fierce, escalating making out is just going along with the "hard and fast" burnout trap.

 

I know it's totally against the grain, and I'm the odd one out saying this, but having mad, passionate sex with someone you met very recently, as in, the last few days or dates, is a set-up. I think a lot of people justify it because it's "human" and it's "normal", and everyone thinks a good sign of chemistry is this irrepressible desire. I think "hey, good you got laid!" is still everyone's barometer of how sexy they must be and how badass they are. But sex with someone you think you could develop strong feelings for and don't really know as a person isn't some free lunch deal. From a recreational standpoint, you're getting a good, enjoyable workout, but from a relationship/emotional standpoint, you are sending out the message that establishing trust, AUTHENTIC intimacy, and knowing where you stand in their plan is a secondary consideration. So people who are highly sexual but have little relationship ability will take full advantage of that -- to forget an ex, to try to get over someone else, to distract themselves, to pretend they have something going for them, to create a pseudo sense of security or intimacy, to boost their ego or temporarily raise their self-esteem, to get back at someone, to prove a point to themselves, to rope someone in, to feel desirable and desired, to fill a void they don't know how to fill, to convince themselves they "still got it", to get attention, to scratch an itch, to create a sense of busyness in their life, to try to see if they even like you enough to date you -- none of which have anything to do with love or "falling" in love.

 

There should be more to "falling in love" than that. Early sex and physicality will create a false sense of deepening closeness with someone who may have only a passing interest or ability to keep anything together. After she said she wasn't dating, in my opinion that was your cue not to cast your pearls, as if to persuade her, by saying, "I would have fallen in love with you." She said "don't say that" because you were running way ahead of her and what she was ready to give you, and you sort of tried to cram it down her throat a bit. You shouldn't sell it that cheap. You were pretty much hard-selling yourself.

 

I know I come off as a prude, but I'm not. I just notice that a lot of people rush in, know they are rushing in quickly, and yet they do little to change that behavior. In fact, they stand by it, all results be damned. I see a lot of people kissing a lot of frogs and saying, "oh well, next", but it's more problematic to me than that. I think it actually causes you to waste time with people who you should be screening out and vetting more, unless dating is some perpetual state you want to be in and getting the actual relationship is anti-climactical.

 

For me, I'm always going to see the "wild infatuation" she's looking for (and let's face it, so are you) as a red flag. I've reformed. Of course everyone loves the feeling, but I've come to regard it as bad news if it's too soon -- as bad as any other red flag, like catching them in a small lie. I'd like there to be "attraction with potential," get to know them over some time, with a sense of growing trust and clarity about their intent, slowly becoming more exclusive in our preference for each other, more flirtations, gradual incremental physical advances...and then be rewarded if all those hurdles are cleared and hoops gone through with the ardent passionate stage. That way, I know the ones I AM pursuing are more likely to turn out and I don't squander my time with flakey, emotional unavailable, hot/cold drama. I keep my eye on the prize instead of going with every lurch of the boat, just to say I had an iron in the fire. It's not that I don't want chemistry, it's that I'm not as swayed by it until I know it is going to come to something, and so don't lead with behaviors that tend in the impulsive/hasty direction. There are many ways to show someone you are interested in them in all ways without sleeping with or nearly sleeping with them when you don't even know if they're coming or going. Again, I'm not trying to be preachy and I'm not a prude, but I just feel frustrated when I see so many people wanting real love but doing things that don't bode well for stable relationships and in fact very much weed IN the people who aren't capable. My thesis here is that too much too soon with romance and strong sexual behavior correlates with poor outcomes, it's not just an incidental. And that's not necessarily because that activity ruins a good bond, but because the people who roll with this MO in general are the least reliable people, so your picker is tuned to the duds.

 

If you want to keep things going at a measured and reasonable pace, model that behavior in the things you say (and don't say yet), and how far you go physically.

 

That's my MO anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

 

One last thing -- you said she's constantly texting everyone else, but only sporadically texts you. Actually, you don't know who she texts when, so again...assumptions. But she sounds like she's got so many takers, she doesn't really know what she wants. And she sounds like someone with very low self-esteem.

[Sportster2005]

Well, good for you. At least you gave it a shot you could live with, with some closure if she never contacts you again.

 

But I'd still tweak some stuff if I were you. I know this advice usually falls on deaf ears on ENA in general, but I don't think that moving fast into physical/intimate territory often bodes well. I agree that when people come on hard and fast, it usually burns out as hard and fast. We have examples here aplenty. But I think you've played right into that and have matched her pace. It doesn't matter that she made the first moves, or came on strong, or whatever -- you're the one who took up those dance steps and made it pretty obvious you were head over heels for her. Women can read infatuation and a guy who will say "I would have fallen in love with you" or "I will make you mine" (even as a joke that reads as kind of overbearing to me) after what, 3, 4 get-togethers/dates, with a lot of lapsed time in between? I just think it's way too early for such pronunciations, and if you don't even know if someone wants to date you (or they have overtly told you they are noncommittal), then sleeping with them/even fierce, escalating making out is just going along with the "hard and fast" burnout trap.

I pretty much agree with a lot of this. When I first saw her four or five years ago, I told myself I would never date her even though she was trying to get my attention on POF. i knew then I would be infatuated with her. Actually I was infatuated with her from the moment I first saw her. And this did play out like an infatuation. I wanted to get to know her beyond infatuation. And I did to some degree. And I really enjoyed her company. I think she's a lot like me. Which is good and bad. I think a major difference is, I know I was/am driven by infatuation. Especially in this case. A major problem with infatuation is even if you know it, it's hard to stop it. Reading what you wrote I feel kind of silly now. I'm already thinking, how could I say those stupid things and make such horrible rookie mistakes. But they were made, and what's done is done. And I keep back to, I knew I would be infatuated, unable to think clear, come on way too strong and blow it. Which really looking back already was probably for the best. We are two people who don't belong together. We are infatuation junkies. I'm not denial, and for the most part able to avoid it. But the drug she was offering was too good for me. And as much as I like her, beside the infatuation, she's just a poor choice for a girlfriend.

 

It's ironic she probably was turned off by the infatuation. I I hadn't been, she probably would have became infatuated.

 

I know it's totally against the grain, and I'm the odd one out saying this, but having mad, passionate sex with someone you met very recently, as in, the last few days or dates, is a set-up. I think a lot of people justify it because it's "human" and it's "normal", and everyone thinks a good sign of chemistry is this irrepressible desire. I think "hey, good you got laid!" is still everyone's barometer of how sexy they must be and how badass they are. But sex with someone you think you could develop strong feelings for and don't really know as a person isn't some free lunch deal. From a recreational standpoint, you're getting a good, enjoyable workout, but from a relationship/emotional standpoint, you are sending out the message that establishing trust, AUTHENTIC intimacy, and knowing where you stand in their plan is a secondary consideration. So people who are highly sexual but have little relationship ability will take full advantage of that -- to forget an ex, to try to get over someone else, to distract themselves, to pretend they have something going for them, to create a pseudo sense of security or intimacy, to boost their ego or temporarily raise their self-esteem, to get back at someone, to prove a point to themselves, to rope someone in, to feel desirable and desired, to fill a void they don't know how to fill, to convince themselves they "still got it", to get attention, to scratch an itch, to create a sense of busyness in their life, to try to see if they even like you enough to date you -- none of which have anything to do with love or "falling" in love.

 

I would have been disappointed if we had sex. And she was in no rush to, as was I. And this part of it I keep simple. There was a physical connection, which is necessary for going forward. If she was using it for one of the wrong reasons above I'll never know.

 

There should be more to "falling in love" than that. Early sex and physicality will create a false sense of deepening closeness with someone who may have only a passing interest or ability to keep anything together.

Couldn't agree more. I'm glad we didn't. That false sense of deepening also make it harder to walk away.

 

After she said she wasn't dating, in my opinion that was your cue not to cast your pearls, as if to persuade her, by saying, "I would have fallen in love with you. She said "don't say that" because you were running way ahead of her and what she was ready to give you, and you sort of tried to cram it down her throat a bit. You shouldn't sell it that cheap. You were pretty much hard-selling yourself.

 

Earlier in the week she said we weren't dating. I asked for clarification. Her response was ambiguous. My response was "You will be mine, deal with it". Which was not as serious in tone as it seems. It was more playful banter

 

Today I said "I would have fallen in love with you" as I was leaving. Which I stand by. Not because of the infatuation, but despite it. I think I just know what I like and want. And maybe it's he wrong. I think part of the reason I said it is I just wanted her to feel good about herself. It was partially selfless and part of a good bye statement. And yes, some sales.

 

I know I come off as a prude, but I'm not. I just notice that a lot of people rush in, know they are rushing in quickly, and yet they do little to change that behavior. In fact, they stand by it, all results be damned. I see a lot of people kissing a lot of frogs and saying, "oh well, next", but it's more problematic to me than that. I think it actually causes you to waste time with people who you should be screening out and vetting more, unless dating is some perpetual state you want to be in and getting the actual relationship is anti-climactical.

I agree.

 

For me, I'm always going to see the "wild infatuation" she's looking for (and let's face it, so are you) as a red flag.

I'm not looking for it. I initially avoided her it because of it. But I succumbed. I had hoped against hope I could somehow meander the treacherous waters and find my way into a relationship. Which seems now, very quixotic.

My thesis here is that too much too soon with romance and strong sexual behavior correlates with poor outcomes, it's not just an incidental. And that's not necessarily because that activity ruins a good bond, but because the people who roll with this MO in general are the least reliable people, so your picker is tuned to the duds.

I read something recently that supports this. I think my picker is good. I chose to ignore it this time around. I think it's a simple as being overwhelmed by physical beauty. Not smart, but I'm only human. She did get away with more than any other woman I've dated. I've ignored red flags that I would have sent me packing with anyone else. And yes through out this I think the little head was doing a lot of thinking, not the big head.

 

One last thing -- you said she's constantly texting everyone else, but only sporadically texts you. Actually, you don't know who she texts when, so again...assumptions. But she sounds like she's got so many takers, she doesn't really know what she wants. And she sounds like someone with very low self-esteem.

 

 

I said as much elsewhere. Who really knows what she's doing on her phone.

 

I think she does of very low self-esteem. I also do, in certain respects. I'm also prone to infatuation, but am aware and usually avoid women where that is the major thing I'm feeling. We probably should have never met. Which I keep coming back to. I knew better, but it didn't stop me.

 

And even though I walked away fairly confidently, it really doesn't matter anymore. As testament to how much this was an infatuation, I'm pretty much over it, and feeling a bit embarrassed.

 

I checked my phone tonight. There was a text from her. She I hoped I wasn't too upset and she was truly sorry. I made it clear I wasn't upset today. I didn't act upset. And I calmly told her, for right or wrong, she would be back, and it's just a matter of time. And maybe she's second guessing me, and thinks I'm very upset and is feeling guilty. And I guess it would seem odd to her to, for me selling how into her I am, and then walking away very easily with no drama. Anyways, no more analysis. No more contact. It's done. Lessons re-learned, new ones learned. Continue to work on confidence. Which in a strange way, this incident helped.

 

Why couldn't she just text or phone me this. I spent the morning at her work. Drove out to the country, watched her feed her sheep. I'm still under the impression I'm spending the day with her. It's getting late afternoon. She must have been texting him on they way home. Which is ironically a red flag I won't tolerate from her. Texting and driving is something I loathe and won't tolerate. If it wan't that, it was just very impulsive.

 

Enough. It's almost 4:00 AM

[Sportster2005]

The immediate challenge now, is to go no contact.

 

She texted last night. I've been driving myself crazy thinking what to text back. The answer is nothing.

 

I have to fight that stupid urge to remember those periods where she showed clear interest and try to communicate something that will ignite that interest again.

 

i have to fight the urge to want clarification. I'm not sure if what she said is a reason or excuse. My curious mind wants to know. I want to know more about what really happened. Because it doesn't matter. I know ultimately what happened.

 

If she sends more texts or likes something on Facebook i will have to block her.

 

if she contact me and wants to see me. I have to say no.

 

I have to accept that this is over. Walking away yesterday the way I did was part denial. It was part negotiating. Her sentence was too harsh to accept at that moment. I genuinely simply liked her aside from the infatuation. I don't know where the like ends and the infatuation begins. Knowing all of this, doesn't make it any easier. I can't help feel the way I do. Acceptance is falling on me now. And it's crushing me, and it's hurting.

[IAmFCA]

The immediate challenge now, is to go no contact.

 

She texted last night. I've been driving myself crazy thinking what to text back. The answer is nothing.

 

I have to fight that stupid urge to remember those periods where she showed clear interest and try to communicate something that will ignite that interest again.

 

i have to fight the urge to want clarification. I'm not sure if what she said is a reason or excuse. My curious mind wants to know. I want to know more about what really happened. Because it doesn't matter. I know ultimately what happened.

 

If she sends more texts or likes something on Facebook i will have to block her.

 

if she contact me and wants to see me. I have to say no.

 

I have to accept that this is over. Walking away yesterday the way I did was part denial. It was part negotiating. Her sentence was too harsh to accept at that moment. I genuinely simply liked her aside from the infatuation. I don't know where the like ends and the infatuation begins. Knowing all of this, doesn't make it any easier. I can't help feel the way I do. Acceptance is falling on me now. And it's crushing me, and it's hurting.

 

 

Yo, three husbands and still playing multiples. That is all you need to know.

[journeynow]

three husbands

 

Is this true, she's been married and divorced 3 times?

[Sportster2005]

Is this true, she's been married and divorced 3 times?

 

Yes. And the instructor where I dance is her ex boyfriend who lived with her for a few years. And his current girlfriend is a woman I tried to date a few years ago. Kind of a funny coincidence.

 

And then there's the guy now, she left because he didn't like her friend. But now she thinks the friend lied, and she left him because she had false information. Her friend that recently outed himself as wanting more. So she had to put distance between them. She started filling me in on this drama last week. And that's how yesterday's conversation started. She said he promised to help her renovate/refurbish her Boler trailer she just bought. And she was upset at him because she bought the trailer and a car to tow it, based on his commitment to do the work. Work I think he's doing for nothing. ??? And although he is doing the work, he is being nasty, because she's not reciprocating. Anyways I didn't know what to say. I told her early in the week once friends cross that line, it never ends well. Then she changed direction that this friend lied to her, and she left a guy based on the lie. That's when she stated she wasn't ready to date anyone. She said she can't reciprocate anyone's feelings right now. She kind of blamed the friend, I wish I could have taped the conversation. It kind of meandered.

 

Even though she stressed she can't date 'anyone' because she can't reciprocate. I also think she said she did dump this other guy but still had feelings for him. Grass is greener? Just completely messed up? An excuse because she just wasn't feeling it? Was this her attempt to put me in the friend zone? Become another asset like the friend that was doing her trailer? Perhaps she wanted to make nice with the friend. But the friend would resent her seeing someone(me) I'm starting to think her motivations with people are not all above board. And I hate to admit it, she is her happiest when I'm dropping a couple of hundred on a meal. It didn't go unnoticed.

 

Anyways I'm rambling again. I guess we can conclude, I probably dodged a huge bullet. And my best strategy is to never, never go back, if invited.

 

Lots and lots of men, lots and lots of drama. Men love her. But I think the smart men stay away. I hope I can be one of the smart men. I would be curious if this guy she all of a sudden seems to have undone business with will reciprocate when she approaches him, if she already hasn't. Because if he blows her off, I wouldn't be surprised to get a 'I've made a mistake text".

 

At the end of the day. She's gorgeous, knows it, and I think she takes advantage of it. She has some other good qualities. But on balance I think she might be a net loss. Sad, and I don't judge. I do see some tremendous good qualities. But maybe they're fake.

[Sportster2005]

On a brighter note. I was just on Match. A profile popped up. I recognized the face. I couldn't place it right away. Then it was.... hey it's her.... nah couldn't be.... but it sure looks like her..... It was her. It's a woman in my dance class. One that caught my eye. But every week she shows up with presumably the boyfriend. Maybe just a friend. Maybe an ex-boyfriend now. Interesting. And the thing is, at one point she 'liked' or 'favorited' me. And I remember thinking I should contact her, but waffled. Her photos do not do her justice. She's much more attractive in real life. And we have chatted a bit. She seems sweet enough.

 

I wonder if she recognized me at the dance studio? I bet she will now. I was just looking at her profile. I guess I should say hello. When one door closes......

[tiredofvampires]

There has just been so much side-stepping and dancing around and beating around bushes in this "relaitonship", why don't you just end it on a note of clarity so you have finality? And there is no ambiguity for either of you?

 

Say, "I appreciate your message, but I've realized that we're not well-suited to eachother. I wish you well."

[journeynow]

I probably dodged a huge bullet…..

 

...lots of drama. Men love her….

 

At the end of the day. She's gorgeous, knows it, and I think she takes advantage of it...

 

Sportster, I think you are right, too much drama, and perhaps she doesn't trust her own judgement, follows rumors and what others tell her more than her own guidance. I can't speak from experience, but wonder about a woman who is so gorgeous she has men falling all over her (from the sound of it) how can someone like that stay grounded and have a clear perspective of the world and people? Her major accomplishment (and value?) is her looks? Maybe you can give yourself credit for your gut instincts in this situation.

[missmarple]

wonder about a woman who is so gorgeous she has men falling all over her (from the sound of it) how can someone like that stay grounded and have a clear perspective of the world and people?

 

I don't know how other gorgeous women do it but I've never had a problem of having a clear perspective

LOL, just kidding!

 

Sportster, message the 'new' girl

[Sportster2005]

There has just been so much side-stepping and dancing around and beating around bushes in this "relaitonship", why don't you just end it on a note of clarity so you have finality? And there is no ambiguity for either of you?

 

Say, "I appreciate your message, but I've realized that we're not well-suited to eachother. I wish you well."

 

I thought about it. But I wouldn't be seeking clarification or finality. That will come naturally over the days and weeks ahead when I don't hear from her.

 

I think her text was a fishing expedition. She didn't get the psychological payoff yesterday she wanted. There was no drama in my response. There were tears or begging. Regardless of how she really feels, she didn't send the text last night for my benefit. It was for hers. She is probably somewhat pleased on some level there is silence. She now can have her payoff. This ended in hurt. It's validating that she can hurt someone. On some level I don't think she feels worthy of my attention, regardless if she wants it or not. And by knowing I'm suffering it will help her feel she is truly desired.

 

Texting would only cause more anxiety. What did she feel when she read it? What was the effect? The analyzing would begin. I can't engage this enemy, even if it is to surrender.

 

She may have sent it to open up a dialog.

 

Maybe she sent it to be clear she doesn't care at all I walked away so easily, and she feels nothing about our departure.

 

Maybe she's trying assuage some guilt. On some level she knows when she was being enthusiastic she made some grand promises, both implied and explicit.

 

At the end of the day, I don't think cares too much about how upset I am. She has other dramas to attend to. And her 'sorry' is meant for her, not me.

[abitbroken]

The trouble is that you built her up on this pedestal for 4-5 years and had a very unreal or surreal image of her - and pictures in your head of the two of you having an encounter or falling in love that you never had. And that is why you were upset/blurted out when you perceived things not going as they should the first time around, and that is why you excused some of her behavior the second time around or were too 'sold' on her. At any rate, who knows - maybe be bold and go say hi to the woman in your dance class in person to get to know her and see if she mentions she saw you online...

[tiredofvampires]

When I spoke of clarity and finality in the message I suggested, I didn't mean that you'd be seeking clarity -- but that you would be closing things, closing a door more officially, rather than keeping it ambiguously open-ended.

 

I think good communication involves being very deliberate and direct. I don't think the default of "I'll just let thing go hanging" is the best note to move on, on. Sure, it's a final signal of one-upmanship. "I don't have to answer you." But it's not taking a clear and transparent, and unarguable stand that will remove all doubt and sever those dangling "maybes." It's much more tidy when loose ends aren't left, and empowering for you.

 

I just notice that you use a lot of silence and innuendo in lieu of clear messages for your and the other person's sake.

[reinventmyself]

What did her last text say?

 

You handled this with class, bytheway. You should feel good about that even though it didn't have the outcome you had hoped for.

Be careful what you wish for, right?

Her loss.

[Sportster2005]

What did her last text say?

 

You handled this with class, bytheway. You should feel good about that even though it didn't have the outcome you had hoped for.

Be careful what you wish for, right?

Her loss.

I hope you are not too upset with me and I am truly sorry.

 

I wasn't upset at all?? I think she wants to believe I am. She didn't seem too concerned at the time. The text strikes me as odd. Can't put my finger on it.

[reinventmyself]

I hope you are not too upset with me and I am truly sorry.

 

I wasn't upset at all?? I think she wants to believe I am. She didn't seem too concerned at the time. The text strikes me as odd. Can't put my finger on it.

You called it

No response necessary

[Clarisse]

The last text was definitely for her benefit (ego), not yours. You handled it perfectly.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Onward.

[Sportster2005]

My rebound.

 

Before all this latest happened I chatted briefly with someone on Match. She came on very,very strong. Which is a shame because she was very attractive and we had a lot in common. But early the sirens were blaring, and she was one to avoid. She liked every picture, blew up my email. Before I could answer the first one, I had three emails from her.

 

So Sunday I contact her. I knew I could get a date. And it would be one date only. Yesterday she started texting, and texting and texting. She was talking about all the different things we would do together. She hinted at how sensual she was, and that was important to her. I genuinely liked talking to her. We communicated incredibly well. She resisted a date initially. She said she didn't like to date more than one person at a time. And she was clear she intended to give the other guy a chance. I really didn't care. Regardless, of what's going on in her life, I knew this was a one date affair.

 

I thought it might be a nice distraction from LO, the recent one above. And if it went further than one date, I would cross that bridge when I got there. We decided on a well know landmark here. We would go there for sunset. She said is sounded very romantic and would bring some wine.

 

She was beautiful. I seem to be able to attract beautiful women. Just can't seem to keep them. And I'm not sure I want to keep this one, or the last one. But it was a confidence booster. The recent one set the bar pretty high.

 

We talked, and talked and talked. We sat under a starry sky on the rocks listening to the waves crash on the shore. It was beautiful and very romantic. On the drive home she was talking like we were a sure thing. I knew it was just a combination of wine and confusion and maybe some infatuation. I was kind of sad. We really got along. But I knew I wasn't the guy for her. I'm sure after texting yesterday I couldn't live up to the fantasy she created in her mind. I dropped her off. I kissed for as long as I could. It was quite long.

 

I woke up this morning and went to work. I texted her to get the ball rolling. I wanted this done by noon. I had about a 4% hope I would see her again. But I just knew I wouldn't. When they come on fast they leave just as fast. But I had a good time. I see a friendship down the road.

 

I asked her last name. She said she didn't have one, she was like Cher. Then her boss showed and she couldn't text me . I told my friend at work that she just needed time to find the right words.

 

She was good about it. She said she felt guilty about dating more that one guy, and that she thought it was only fair to give the first guy a chance. She stressed she wasn't making a choice between us. She sang my praises, said it was a great night. She said she have let laying dogs lay. It was a very nice longish, heart felt text.

 

I don't know if she is truthful. We have been, very, very open. I believe her that she doesn't like to date more than one guy. But at the same time when a woman finds a guy she really wants, she'll be with him. I am a little perplexed. I will believe she wants to give guy one a chance because he was their firsts. And truthfully as much as I like her the red flags are screaming, screaming, screaming. I won't go into all them. And I suspect it doesn't matter. The sad fact is she probably made up her mind after the kiss.

 

The point wasn't to pursue her or make anything serious of this. I had a fantastic date with a fun beautiful artistic woman, who is in a lot of ways was heads and tails above my recent adventure. It was a nice distraction.

[Sportster2005]

The one that is in my dance class that I saw on Match was there tonight with her boyfriend. So I guess they must of had a little spat and she threw her profile back up, and then they made up, so she took it down.

 

I feel kind of crappy now. In the span of three day I've been rejected by two women for other men. I'm supposed to shrug it off. But it wears you down. I was at dance class tonight. LO's ex is an instructor there. He left her, and is now dating a woman I asked out a few years ago. What am I missing? I'm not chasing women out of my league. They often contact me first.

 

I've been at this nine years. The wins are few and far between. I have to do something different. This is getting tiring. I think the first thing is stop chasing women who come on so fast and strong. Why won't I learn. I guess in a way being rejected by this women is probably a blessing. Especially last night. What was I thinking. Well, I was pretty cocky. I thought for sure after such an awesome date the other guy didn't have a chance. But the cold reality is, after the kiss she was done. Maybe I just like the excitement of playing with fire. Maybe I like to chases 'bad girls', like women like to chase bad boys. These two were extremely sexy, but I don't think they're particularly nice. I get the impression their MO is two feel the instant gratification of attention then discard once done.

 

Anyways I'm rambling. I knew better with both of these women. Yet against my rational mind I followed blindly.

 

But on the other hand I feel so close. How can I keep getting so close just to have it snatched away.

 

I understand the importance of a kiss, but my gawd, does that erase everything else.

[youareworthy]

I understand the importance of a kiss, but my gawd, does that erase everything else?

 

Don't be too critical of your kiss, Sportster. There was precious little "everything else" for that kiss to erase. You had a date with a nice, beautiful woman in one of the most romantic spots in your region, so you could hardly avoid having a good time. Talking endlessly under the stars is not that unusual, either. But the woman was entirely unrealistic. She had created an elaborate fantasy future with you in how many days--two or three, max?

 

The last time I built an elaborate fantasy future that quickly, I was in junior high or early high school. That is not how a sophisticated woman thinks.

 

I am not saying that we grown women (and some men, I reckon) don't build fantasy futures about the people we like or love (mea culpa), but it usually takes quite a bit longer than a day or two, and is usually built on quite a bit more than a single date in a romantic location.

 

This reminds me of a guy I once knew. He was well into his thirties, and had had several serious LTRs, when he met a lovely woman at work, and fell for her big time. One day they were talking about places they liked to vacation, and she mentioned she liked the beach. He said, "Really? I LOVE the beach!" He was thrilled that he'd discovered this unusual thing they had in common! He was so smitten that he saw a mutual love of the beach as a BIG personal connection. Later that day, with a good-natured laugh, she told her best friend about his reaction. Her friend said, "Discovering that is like saying, 'You mean, you breathe oxygen, too? NO WAY!!' "

 

Your kisses are perfect for the right person.

 

Youareworthy

[catfeeder]

But on the other hand I feel so close. How can I keep getting so close just to have it snatched away.

 

Close to what, exactly? What is the 'it' that you're being deprived of?

 

You say, "Sure, I can see that this person is a flake, and I don't really want anything with her... I'm just doing this..."

 

...and then you do it, and you get exactly the results you expected.

 

I hate telling someone what he already knows. Grandma nailed it: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too bored or lonely to avoid picking up the snake to play with it..."

 

Well, flakes are just snakes in pretty disguises. Maybe it's time to Pay Attention?

 

Stop playing, start screening. You will thank yourself later.

[journeynow]

Aw, Sportster, I hope you're feeling better. Neither of these need be about rejection. No. 2 was never available. (" She resisted a date initially. She said she didn't like to date more than one person at a time... I really didn't care. Regardless, of what's going on in her life, I knew this was a one date affair ").

 

These two were extremely sexy, but I don't think they're particularly nice. I get the impression their MO is two feel the instant gratification of attention then discard once done.

Maybe they are both "players", they seek male attention for the sake of attention?

 

The important thing is what do YOU want in a partner? Are Beautiful, Sexy, Good Talker at the top of the list? (Willing-to-Switch-Partners-at-the-Drop-of-a-Hat is probably not what you want, even though you said " when a woman finds a guy she really wants, she'll be with him." It was ONE date, one she didn't really want because she is not available. Do you really want a Flakey partner? )

[Sportster2005]

Don't be too critical of your kiss, Sportster. There was precious little "everything else" for that kiss to erase.

 

So true.

 

I did it to distract myself from LO. It did work I guess. Today, the one from Monday night is quickly fading fast from memory. Thoughts of LO keep haunting me. And so goes the frustration. My rational mind screams at the folly of pursuing her. It's a dead end road. I can only keep going back and forth. The road stops. But that part of me that wants her, wants her with every fiber of my soul. It's an exhausting process. And I collide from time to time with truth. That big immovable wall. And it flattens me, and jars me. And it looks down on me, and reminds me, she's gone, and she's not coming back. I quip, well now she's someone else's problem. The truth looks at me coldly, unflinchingly. The truth knows I'm lying. The truth knows how much it hurts.

 

And I have the control for my salvation from this woman. It's complete no contact. I texted her yesterday. I had to feel that rush, that excitement. She responded and we chatted again. And the darkness parted and the light shone through. It removed any doubt, that someday she will be with me. And then I run into the truth. And it's not to keep her from contacting me. That's never going to happen. It's to keep me honest. To keep from peeking at her FB. To prevent me from texting her.

 

I'll be upset for a long time. I'll revisit the decision. But it will be done. The only question now is, do I say good bye, or just lock myself out.??

[youareworthy]

You lock yourself out. Saying goodbye prolongs the pain. Block her on FB and on your phone. Don't text her anymore! She has broken your heart and is not worth more pain.