The Tale of One Interest

[Sportster2005]

Is LO same as LD?

Just trying to keep your women straight

 

No she's someone new. Me her early in June.

 

 

 

I know I shouldn't let it linger......

[WithLove]

I'm just catching up. Sorry it didn't work out with the last one - but I'm glad it ended on friendly terms.

[Sportster2005]

It's a small world. Went to dance class. Long story short the woman I partnered with is a woman I asked out about six or seven years ago. It was nice to bump into her again. She's dating the man that used to be LO's dancing partner, and perhaps husband.

 

I've started venturing online. Reluctantly. Have to meet someone new to stop thinking about LO. I'm too frightened to make myself vulnerable again to her. I'll never really know what really happened. Most people find that frustrating. I don't. I spend a lot of time there. It's my happy place. If I never approach her, she can't reject me.

 

Bumped into CC a week ago. She was with her ex-bf. Maybe they are back together. The seemed more like friends, body language and all. And her kids were with her also. I'll say hello this week. Maybe see if she wants to grab that drink soon.

 

A few interesting things online. Too early. One I'm excited about is a Harley rider. She lives about an hour and a half away though. And she doesn't want anything serious. She clicked on the 'meet me' thing. I emailed her. Having heard anything back. Wouldn't be the first time that happened.....

[Sportster2005]

After about a month or so I couldn't stop thinking about LO and wondering if I read her response wrong. I had assumed from the brevity of her response and lack of an acceptance of an apology that I should just move on. But no matter how hard I tried or how much I distracted my self I just wanted to take one more shot.

 

I texted her last Monday. I told her how I still thought about her, how everyday I regretted I screwed up, and told her I would like to see her again. She replied she didn't know what to say. She said she understood how someone could get upset at a sudden change of plans, and that she was not mad. She didn't respond about seeing her again. So I sent a follow up text where I said 'let me be clear, I am still interested in you and want to see you again'. She reiterated how she was never upset. She said she was unsure of her interest for me because I 'blocked her out'. She did agree to see me again.

 

We agreed to go out Tuesday evening after my dance class. I'm not sure what happened Tuesday. It seemed like she was reluctant to follow through. I will skip the details. I ended up parked at park across the street from her. I had sent a text before I left after dance class and asked if she was feeling better and still wanted to go out.

 

It's about a twenty minute drive. I thought that was lots of time for her to reply one way or another. If she didn't I would just turn around and go home. It wasn't until I was practically there she responded she was feeling better, but did not say if she still wanted to go out. By this time I was across the street. Well, down and across the street. I could not see her house. I felt awkward. I didn't want to show up in her driveway without confirmation. And here I was across the street, because I wanted to save time. So I texted her again, and said I was across the street and asked if she wanted to go out. After about fifteen minutes, no response.

 

Normally at this point I would just go home and say screw it. Funny enough, I had been talking to a friend a few days earlier who joked I should be like George and do the opposite of what I would normally do. So regardless if she was blowing me off I said enough of this texting crap, I phoned her. I made it very, very clear, that I came out because I thought we were still on. I told her she need not feel any obligation or pressure to go out if she was unwell, and that the decision to drive the distance was mine, to save time, and I had no problem driving back to town and re-scheduling. She said she was still tired and didn't want to go out but I was free to come over. So I did.

 

I thought maybe I was a bit pushy. But I'm not really a persistent guy. I don't believe in it, and I always have options. But damn I liked this girl and I pushed a little more than I wanted to.

 

The evening was a mixed bag. My challenge was to convince her that I didn't 'block her out', that I didn't contact her because I thought she was upset with me. The conversation didn't seem to be going well. Although she was adamant she wasn't upset or mad about the text and subsequent silence, I feel she wasn't as good with it, as she said she was. I don't like second guessing people, but that was my sense.

 

The conversation started to warm up a bit, and she was getting physically closer. And they she revealed that she thought I had gone silent because I was upset that she changed our plans that night, and I was just blowing her off because of it. And in retrospect the thing missing from my apology was me explicitly telling her I wished to continue. So I imagine she received the apology, thought I was apologizing because of it's tone, but still didn't want to see her because she dropped the date last second. Classic miscommunication. I'm silent because I think she's upset, and she thinks I've buggered off because I'm upset.

 

That night I think if I hadn't persisted a bit I wouldn't of had the chance to speak to her in person about all this. We ended the night with a kiss and tentative plans for the following Sunday(today). During the week I wanted try and find a good balance of communicating with her. I was pretty sure the week, and how I played it was going to be crucial. I added her on Facebook, something I don't normally do, until I'm sure there's a relationship. But I thought it would was a good gesture. I think she likes, and feels safer knowing a man is really interested. Ever since we met in May, it's been a theme. I screw something up, and she's very quick to think I'm not interested.

 

I texted her briefly and 'liked' a couple of things on FB. She reciprocated. Going into the weekend I was still feeling she may have been still sitting on the fence. Saturday I sent a text wishing her a nice day, and suggesting a spot I would like to take her. She said it sounds lovely.

Today she initiated a text. Something she normally doesn't do. She wanted confirmation if we were still on. I said yes. She said could we go to the place I suggested, and could we be done for 8:00, that she had something planned. I said yes. But I wasn't sure if the plan involved me?? and it was kind of awkward to ask. So I asked if she needed to be home for the plan. She said no, it's happening near where we were going. I inferred from her answer it does include me. I am pretty happy that she initiated the text and has a little surprise planned.

 

I have some flowers for her. I was originally going to get her roses. But when I arrived at the florist, it just seemed too soon, and too over the top. There was a nice bouquet that was very simple and colorful. I think that sends a better message. I think it says I'm really into you, where the roses may imply I love you, or something too strong.

 

I have to pick her up in two hours. I don't know if she's dating other guys. I don't think so. She has been sharing her schedule openly with me. She's very busy. She works and has her farm. My sense is, I will have a good feel by the end of the night if I have a good shot at this. It's really early. Even though we met in May we haven't been on lots of dates. I don't want to put the cart before the horse. But I would like to know how much effort I should be putting in. I do have other interests online. Some very good potential dates. I don't like multi dating. But I don't like overplaying interest and trying to go for it too early. Know what I mean jelly bean?

 

Ugh I'm too lazy to go back and correct any typos, deal with it

[Silverbirch]

Good Luck Sportster.

[youareworthy]

I didn't see any typos! And I am good at catching them.

 

I do know what you mean, Jelly Bean! (LOL!)

 

Sounds like you are on a better track with her now. I am glad you figured out that she needs to KNOW the guy is still interested. Going forward, that information will be really useful, and it explains a lot that has happened before.

 

I am so glad you persisted to the point where you guys uncovered the miscommunication! Well done, Sportster! And wise choice on the flowers.

 

Have a great time tonight.

 

Youareworthy

[reinventmyself]

Dying to know how the date went and what the 8 o'clock plan was.

[Sportster2005]

Dying to know how the date went and what the 8 o'clock plan was.

 

It went fantastic.

 

We had a great meal at a very hip spot here in town. And I splurged for an awesome bottle of wine. lol, trust me, I've never, ever, done something like that. I wanted her to enjoy the evening, and I wanted to also. She didn't see the price when she picked it out. She really appreciated it and enjoyed it.

 

Unfortunately she had to work late, so we didn't make it to the 8:00 surprise. It was kind of funny though. On the way to the restaurant we passed a small cafe that puts on blues dance lessons, followed buy a dance. She's a competitive dancer, so I asked her if she knew anything about the place. She kind of laughed disappointingly and said that was the 8:00 plan. I laughed and said well you could of just said no, or pretended not to know. I guess you had to be there, it was just kind of cute. But we decided we will go there some other time.

 

She invited me in when I dropped her off. During one of our conversations I said my goal this week was to make it absolutely clear to her, that I was indeed into her, despite my initial fumbling. And I told her I had every plan to pursue her more confidently. She said what do you mean? I re-capped the dumb things I did. She said I hadn't blown it. She also said I think too much and just relax and be myself.

 

We kind of talked about what's next, and where we are. There has only been a few dates, but things seem to really fall in place last night. I didn't want to overplay my interest, and I was trying to be cool. And I can't remember how we ended up on the specific subject. But basically I said something to the effect, I've done well(with respect to her believing I am into her) and I should stop talking. She prodded me. And I wanted to get a feel for she was. So I said I don't want to scare you off. So there was some playful banter, back and forth, and I said, I know it's early, and I don't know you well, but I'm kind of crazy about you. Which was met with a nice smile. She stated she wasn't scared at all.

 

The conversation moved to 'not putting the cart before the horse', to which I agreed. And I don't think she's terribly worried about pace. She mentioned we're not teenagers anymore. She seemed more concerned if I was being genuine. She again reminded me of her quirky nature and lifestyle. Which I reiterated was part of her charm. I get the sense she wants to do this. But is still being smart about it, as she should be. Me, on the other hand of lost my senses

 

I think there were too really major positives. At one point while we were fooling around I kissed and softly told her, "I have been crazy about you since the moment I met you". Which was sincere and spontaneous. She kind of moaned and lost her breath. The kiss after that was quite intense. I don't believe in love at first site. But I do believe in very, very strong attraction. And I don't have to be reminded a lot of this is infatuation, and I have to manage expectations realistically. But in that moment I think if felt fantastic for both of us. And in that moment what I said was true.

 

And secondly, we couldn't stop kissing. And at one point she smiled and said "and you're a great kisser". I put a lot of value in this because it pretty much tells you, she's feeling some chemistry. Doesn't matter how much they like you, if they love kissing you, they're probably feeling the chemistry just as much.

 

I'm absolutely terrified. But I am pursuing her intently. I think I've recovered from all my unforced errors. And I think I may be a bit ahead of her. But I'm also pretty sure she's not far behind. I wouldn't be surprised if she catches up and surpasses me.

 

No we didn't sleep together. She did mention that if she was going to be with someone she wanted them tested. She wasn't saying get tested we are going to have sex soon. But I don't think I have to elaborate. I agreed with her approach. And said I will get tested regardless. It could take a while, so it's no problem. She doesn't like condoms. I said condom sex is better than no sex. She laughed, but still said no. I'm a man, I'm supposed to try, it's what we do.

 

Sooooo that's that. Thanks for asking.

 

I think we are going to do something tomorrow. We talked about doing a few things.

[reinventmyself]

Oh, your update gave me a silly smile Good for you! And to think you figured it a lost cause and now look?!

Just goes to show, just when you think you've got it all figured out, it takes a turn.

Looking forward to more good news.

[Silverbirch]

Hats great Sportster.

[missmarple]

Way to go, it sounds like a great date!!!

[Sportster2005]

Tuesday I went to her place after dance class. She had something she had to do while I was there. And someone showed up, and she had to deal with that. We finally sat down around 10:30 we chatted, fooled around a bit. We were just kind of meandering all over the place. She said something to the effect "I like that you're into dancing, I like that you're close by, and you're cute". But she said "we're not dating", and I said "Oh, then what's this?" She smiled and said "I'm not sure". I wasn't overly concerned. She refers to her ex that lived with her as "dating". So I think it's mostly semantics. Her behavior is like dating.

 

There's a lot more. I did see her at her work(pub) last night for a bit. We didn't plan on seeing each other last night, other than that. But she thought she might get off early so asked me to stick around. It fell through.

 

I'm sensing friend zone. And if not, I'm quickly losing interest anyways. Not because I'm not finding her attractive or fun. Because of red flags. The biggest one is related to the friend zone. She's constantly bringing up old flames and relationships. I understand they were part of the history of her life. But sometimes I find myself wondering 'why are you telling me this?'. We were discussing memory. She claims to have a bad memory. And it seems she does. I'm sincerely a little worried. It's really bad. And it's troubling and frustrating. During our conversation about memory, I asked if she remembers seeing me on POF over the years. And she said no. And I believed her. So she wasn't really interested in me all this time. She just didn't remember me from time to time.

 

As we were on the subject of memory I told her of the story of how I first saw her about five years ago in a bar. And one of the things I remember also is she was with a real creep that night. This guy is a well known creep. It's a small city. Looks like a creep, is always in bars hitting on every woman, just f'n creepy. So one of the reasons I've been reluctant to contact her is because of this. It just kind of makes me go ewwwww. But I figure it's kind of none of my business. And when I was telling her the story I said you were with the guy who looks like XYZ, who is a well known celebrity. She knew immediately who I met and was kind of turned off. I think she even said creep. And assured me it was only one date. And she could have stopped there. It was a long time ago. She was just out of a relationship. Whatever. But then she said "ech I even snogged with that guy". I was really turned off. I told her, I really don't need to know things like that. That had several effects. I just like her less. She has a poor sense of boundaries. Or, she sees me as a friend. Or both. I don't if that alone is a deal breaker. The memory thing is going to drive me crazy. She also has extreme difficulty focusing. And at the end of the day, I'm getting friend zone vibes.

 

I will know tomorrow where this is going. We agreed to do something tomorrow night and I had to make alternate plans with my son to accommodate. If she forgets, or changes those plans I think I'll just walk away. I made it clear to her I had to make alternate arrangements so I could see her tomorrow. And I'm not being inflexible. The reality is, if this is the way it's going to be, I'm just not signing up for it. I place a high value on reliability. Obviously if something drastic comes up that's different. But if it's just because she forgot or some garden variety last minute thing, I think I'll just pass. And I haven't ruled out she may not be feeling it and will just blow me off. And if everything is still on tomorrow, I'll go from there. But to tell you the truth, I'm having hoping she blows it off. I can't see how to get there from here. And I sense she doesn't either. I think she kind of likes me. Well that's obvious. But the attraction is mediocre at best. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong. I usually do, and tend to be negative.

 

It might be hard to do, I am quite smitten. But I just see no point in pursuing something if I'm already getting frustrated with some of her behavior. It's not bad behavior. Just not behavior I want.

[missmarple]

There's a number of yellow flags in there, for sure. However, nothing too serious so far apart, maybe, from her 'we're not dating' comment that, even if it was playful, I find too childish for a woman her age...same as the fact she had been 'dating' the ex who lived with her.

 

Re. her memory, as someone who has an AWFUL memory (and, believe me, for someone like me who always wants to be on time with anything I have to do, from dates to work deadlines, it's a big problem), the only thing I can tell you is that I write down everything (important) I have to do..so, if she says she 'forgot', I wouldn't buy it. When something matters to you, you remember it..you make sure you remember it. But let's wait and see what happens tomorrow.

 

Oh, and one more thing...stop being so negative! Are you a Pisces or something?

[Sportster2005]

There's a number of yellow flags in there, for sure. However, nothing too serious so far apart, maybe, from her 'we're not dating' comment that, even if it was playful, I find too childish for a woman her age...same as the fact she had been 'dating' the ex who lived with her.

 

Re. her memory, as someone who has an AWFUL memory (and, believe me, for someone like me who always wants to be on time with anything I have to do, from dates to work deadlines, it's a big problem), the only thing I can tell you is that I write down everything (important) I have to do..so, if she says she 'forgot', I wouldn't buy it. When something matters to you, you remember it..you make sure you remember it. But let's wait and see what happens tomorrow.

 

Oh, and one more thing...stop being so negative! Are you a Pisces or something?

 

Lol no, a Taurus.

 

It's past the time I would expect to hear from her. I have to let my ex know what I'm doing tonight before 1:00 PM so we can make child care arrangements. If I don't hear from her by 12:00 I'll cancel tonight and take my son tonight. And it's not just hearing from her. I won't accept anything less than enthusiasm about tonight's date. She may still be interested and to her it might be fine to back out of commitments. But it's not fine for me. Especially this early. She did it once already. I reacted poorly to that. I later determined I acted poorly and she had a legitimate concern. But for tonight I won't accept any last minute problems. If I do, then I can't complain down the road when this behavior repeats itself. That and if she was truly interested she would be very willing to go out tonight. My hunch is I will hear from her, but she is going to be very vague about tonight and will have to push. If so, I won't push, I'll just say 'chat later' and fade away.

[Sportster2005]

It feels like mixed signals to me. She seems to initiate show interest, then I seem to have to push a bit. It's not smooth, and it should never be difficult. If I was advising someone else I would say treat mixed signals as non-interest.

 

Still nothing from her. It's 11:12 now. We are usually texting by now.

 

I think I'll simply text her tomorrow something like,

 

"hey thought you were going to contact me yesterday, we were also supposed to go out last night?"

[Sportster2005]

I'm taking my son tonight.

 

Maybe she's thinking I'm gong to contact her, but I'm tired. She knows how I feel. I'm pretty sure the ball is in her court to contact me. And if this another instance she thinks I've lost interest(happens frequently with her) then I can't handle that kind of insecurity.

 

She's either being insecure again, or just isn't that interested. If she's busy I would expect a text saying she's busy. Especially since we had a date tonight.

 

I really don't know what she's feeling or doing. But her behavior suggests very minimal interest. It spikes then ebbs. At the end of the day I made my intentions clear and communicated clearly. Up until the last few days she seem to be reciprocating.

 

And there's the references to falling madly deeply in love with a soul mate. Which really is kind of teenagerish. She's basically saying she wants to be madly infatuated. I know I'm a little infatuated with her. But I'm not going to be driven by it.

[missmarple]

What exactly had you said about today? I re-read your other post but got confused.

[Clarisse]

Can't you just call her and confirm? You seem to be continually testing this woman. Weren't you going to show her how into her you are? It wasn't so long ago, you telling her off and then asking for another chance.

 

You still seem to be sabotaging.

[Realitynut]

I agree. CALL HER! Some women still don't believe they should be the pursuers. I'm that way at the beginning....I want to WANT to know that I'm wanted...on a consistent basis...

[reinventmyself]

Raising my hand as well.

Be careful assuming things. You may very well be right, just as much as you might be mistaken.

[abitbroken]

Yeah, I wouldn't give an 11:00 pm deadline. if you already rearranged taking your son another night, then stick with it. Don't change back to your prior plans just because you haven't heard at 11 am. And if she cancels, you are not available the night you have your son. On my first date with my guy, we made the date, picked the meeting place, etc, and then we showed up. It would annoy me if I agreed to the night and the time, and the guy bailed because he didn't hear from me by 11 am. The date is in the evening, because i am busy at 11 am and maybe am working and can't talk. I would make plans when you make plans- pick the starting place - either you are picking her up, or you are meeting her at X for dinner or wherever. That is, if you don't want to be in the friendzone and you want to date her.

 

Honestly, if she said "We are not dating" I would have said "you are right, hanging out at your house is not really dating, so how about Tuesday evening at X (datey type place restaurant) I'll pick you up at 7)" That might have been too bold for you. But after losing contact, then floating back in the picture, you deserve to know a definitive whether you are a potential for her or not. and if not, move on.

[journeynow]

Sportster, are you sure you're not giving her mixed signals? Was the plan for tonight not actually a plan but just an idea that needed confirming?

 

" She's either being insecure again, or just isn't that interested. If she's busy I would expect a text saying she's busy. Especially since we had a date tonight." If you have a date, why not assume it's on? Doubting it or needing her to reaffirm sound like insecurity.

 

About being too busy to text, when I'm really busy on a work day, with work, I'm too focused ON work to be arranging non-work events or reassuring friends or dates. I'd not assume anything about someone who is busy having time to pay attention to me.

[youareworthy]

I agree with the others. Please contact her, and since you have your son already now, make a definite date with her for another night at a date-type place.

 

You are overthinking again, and feeling insecure because she hasn't texted you by a certain time when she USUALLY texts you. That is very thin evidence that she is losing interest! You are making a mountain out of a molehill, in my opinion. This is just like the last time when she didn't text you and then you didn't call her when you were scheduled to because YOU made an assumption about why she wasn't texting.

 

Remember how unreliable texting is? That was one of the lessons you learned that time. Don't forget it! You appear to be making exactly the same mistake again, man.

 

What if her cell phone is dead, and the battery needs replacing, so charging it simply isn't working? What if she is frantically busy trying to get all her work done so she can finish up early and get ready for your date? What if she is waiting for you to solidify the plans? What if she is trying not to be too pushy by texting you to confirm? There are so many things that could be going on, and you are assuming instead of clarifying.

 

Also, instead of musing or assuming, go ahead and ask her what she meant by "We aren't dating." You need to understand her definition of the word dating, rather than assuming it is the same as your definition. I foresee a major miscommunication here if you don't clarify your definitions.

 

Youareworthy

[tiredofvampires]

What I'm seeing is that both of you have been vague and unclear with plans. The plans are all up in the air, and you're as much a part of that as she is, by not suggesting something more concrete and having a definite answer from her. If she couldn't give you a definite answer, it's on her to say she can't let you know until (whatever time you mutually decide is fair). But this is a set-up for MORE miscommunication.

 

I also think your constant taking the temperature of her interest is just a re-run of what you did before, but without the outburst. You're so busy wondering if she's really all that into you, you're pretty much shooting your foot. RELAX, MAN -- why are you in such a rush to find out "where this is going" and how she feels? You criticize her for wanting to fall madly in love/infatuation as teenagerish (which to me is a bit of a red flag, but then most people want this), and yet you seem to want to hurry her up to fall in mad infatuation/love with YOU.

 

I'm an outlier in this way, but I tell men about past relationships and dates, even when I'm fully into THEM, and not friendzoning them. I mean, not constantly as if I were obsessively venting, but where I feel that something or someone made an impact on me, I share that and invite them to share equally, because this makes me feel closer to the guy, like I can share my journey with him.

 

I just think you're far, far too invested in fast-tracking ANSWERS and getting rid of the ambiguities of the getting-to-know process. And as others have said, making assumptions along the way. There's a consistent lack of DIRECTNESS in a productive way, with your MO (and maybe hers, too, but yours is the only one I can advise to) -- you're direct only when you're done and outta there, and you need to be direct with communication throughout.

 

It seems as if you're primed to want to situate yourself to find a reason to end this. Any little wavering on her part, or less than showing gushy enthusiasm, and it's over in your mind. Shouldn't she be taking her time to decide how into you she is, and vice versa? Isn't that LESS teenagerish?

 

Also, your holding her past choices against her seems to be part of this...you seem to have a lot of judgment going on about her. Again, it's like you've got this little black book and are marking things down.

 

I agree that once you made a plan, you should stick to it, and if it falls through, then you can go from there. But you rearranged things so you didn't have your son tonight, and now you're switching it up. This is an excellent way to keep your end of the seesaw bouncing up and down. If one person doesn't hold to the reigns, how are you going to ever know whether she's reliable or not? First you rearrange, then you change your mind based on assumptions, then she'll back off again, then you'll wonder if you should have kept the plans as is, and who was the one who made the first move to back away -- it's kind of crazy-making, Sportster. ONE person has to be consistent, otherwise no one is can counted on and no firm conclusions can be reached.

 

Yeah, and why can't you call? It seems you're making all the same mistakes all over. Jumping the gun, assuming what people are thinking, relying too heavily on one-step-removed means of communication, taking the temperature and pulse with every single event instead of waiting for a larger picture to emerge....if you don't stop these practices, you'll just be back to where you were, and you're actually the one here who is sort of making up for what some women would have written off completely as a guy with an unstable temper.

 

She may be a flake in the end, unstable, and emotionally ungrounded. But you're not helping yourself with the way you create more confusion and apprehension, rather than being a steady and unhurried force.

[Sportster2005]

Two things happened when I met this woman. I fell for her immediately. I know I shouldn't have. There was just something wrong. On the first date, she came on very, very strong. I have a rule. I've said it on a here a million times. The ones that come on fast and strong, leave just as fast. And this one left extremely fast. And it hurt. And I knew better.

 

Quick recap of the week. I went her to place Tuesday. We fooled around a bit. She told me what she liked about me. Clarified we weren't dating. I told her, she was going to be mine, deal with it. She smiled. We made plans for the week. Was unsure about Thursday or Friday.

 

Wednesday she invited me to the pub she worked. When I went in she lit up. She was hoping to get off early so we could go to her place. The place was too busy. So I went home. I said text me when you get home. She didn't. Late at night I texted to see if she arrived home O.K. She said yes. It was none of my business where she goes after work.

 

Thursday she starts texting me a lot. None of it flirty. She had to do something. I text her, let me know how it goes. She says it will be too late. Talk to you tomorrow. Which is odd. People would say I'm insecure, she's just busy. Maybe. But I know her well enough, she's always texting. And her texting is sporadic with me. A pattern.

 

So yesterday morning I'm unsure of our plans and I'm assuming she's going to text me. When I arrived home from work there were some texts from her. I was going to reply when she phoned. She was assuming I had my son. That all sorted itself out. She was eager to see me the next day however. Asked me to hang out where she works. We would do something after work, and then I would go with her where she dances Saturday night, then probably her place. O.K I thought this is going well. She's into me. Until I texted her 'good night, sweet dreams'. Which she never replied to.

 

I arrived there this morning. Big smile put her hand on my waist. Wanted to kiss her, but workplace. I hung around. She tried to get off as early as she could. She seemed interested of what I was doing on my phone and laptop. Not sure if she was curious or nosy.

 

Left from there. Told me to follow her home. This was around 2:30. Said her dance partner was going to pick her up at 8:30. I was going to watch them dance. She was going to stay with me, after he left. Then back to her house. I was looking forward to spending some alone time. Then as we left I looked over at her in her car. She was texting someone furiously. But she usually is. Who knows?

 

We arrived at her place. Her demeanor seemed different. I tried not reading into anything. We went inside her house. She seemed to stay out of my range. No hug or kiss. Quite the opposite. I thought this is how you mess up, you read into things. So I didn’t get concerned. Then she had to go out the barn. As she was at the door she turned to say something. I went to kiss her. A little peck. Which seems to be following a pattern. She seems to need to be with me a few hours before she warms up.

 

She came back. We were sitting across from each other. She started talking. She seemed be making some eye contact, leaning in a bit. Then leaning back and looking away. Then she was getting me up to speed on some drama she was having with a friend that wanted it out of the friend zone. Then a related conversation about someone she recently was seeing. How recent I’m not sure. I was feeling uncomfortable. Again, I just told myself to relax. Maybe she wants to be able to confide in me. Then she stood up and leaned back against her counter.

 

She said it was unfair right now for her to date anyone. She can’t reciprocate anyone’s feelings. I sought clarification. I said even me? I can’t remember the exact response. It was effectively a yes. She had left this man because of a feud between and her friend M. Although she was careful not to say “I’m dumping you for him”, that’s what it amounted to.

 

I’ll try to hit the salient points, best to my memory.

 

I didn’t react. I thanked her very calmly for letting me know where I stood. I think she thought I was still going to hang around with her that day. I was very gracious, calm and very, very confident. I’m a strange beast. Sometimes I find incredible reserves of confidence. In that moment I wanted to continue to pursue her. I saw this only as a temporary setback. And I believe it might be. Depending on what I did on my way out.

 

I started to go for my shoes. I wasn’t leaving because I was angry or upset. Although I was very hurt and disappointed. I left because I wanted to send a clear message I wasn't interested in friendship.

 

She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t that upset. Her friend M is very upset. But he has been her friend for years and recently tried to get out of the friend zone. She compared me to that. I said I’m not upset. I said you know from day one I was pursuing you for dating. She said you'll get upset like him. I said no I won't because I'm not going there. Or something to that effect. I think in her mind I was going to accept this and just be friend with her. Or, stay on the back burner. I don't know for sure. I know I had to walk away completely and demonstrate strength. Which I don't mind saying I did.

 

There’s an awful feeling when you’re looking at someone you really like and you think you should be together. And you’ve just found out there’s someone else. Or generously, she really is confused, not able to date anyone else right now. What I don’t know if she has a realistic chance of getting back with him. I suspect so. And the cold hard truth is she might, and they could live happily ever after. And on some level I would be happy for her. But I had to do something. I wanted to make an exit she won’t forget.

 

I sighed a bit. Scratched my head. Only because this seemed very, very impulsive. She may have waffling but this was impulsive. And, I’ve noticed she is a very impulsive person, and afraid to say, she lacks judgment. That’s not mean or judgement. It’s two traits, and doesn’t tell a complete story. But as I was standing there, I’m convinced she woke up this morning wanting to spend the day with me. What happened on the drive home, was probably a text from him. But the truth is I don’t know. Even a few minutes earlier she was making eye contact again and getting close. She simply made a quick call in her mind without considering everything. She may have been giving it some thought all week. Her behavior lines up with that. Her behavior lines up with someone who is unsure what to do. She made her decision unplanned. And maybe it’s irrelevant. She has been clear she’s not jumping into anything. I just find it interesting it was so impulsive. It all plays into what I said at the beginning. People that come fast into our lives tend to leave just as fast.

 

I held her and kissed her. I said I’m crazy about you, and I would have fallen love with you. She said “don’t tell me that”. She places a high value on love and falling in love. I’m not sure why she said "don't tell me that". Was she just feeling bad? Or was she wondering what if? I wasn’t begging or pleading. I wanted to sell her how serious I was, if there way any doubt. She said again, she can’t reciprocate right now.

 

I was in her driveway headed for my car. She called my name I went back to her. She said there’s no reason not to be friends. I just smiled. She said, I know you have enough friends. For some reason I just felt confident during this. I didn’t feel rejected. I sincerely thought she was being impulsive. I also knew there was nothing I could say, or do to change her mind at the moment. But I knew how I left would make an impression on her. I held her once more. I said give me one more kiss good bye. She did. She started very enthusiastically and had to catch herself. I looked her in the eye. I said “I’m not worried, you’ll be back, it’s just a matter of time”. I smiled, strolled away like a badass. Got in my car and came home. I may never hear from her again. And I’m not sure I want to. I know I’ve been screwing this up all along. Probably a factor. But I aced the exit interview.

 

This has left me feeling very confident. My insecurities this week were well founded, She was simply sending mixed signals. I wasn’t reading it wrong at all.

 

When I first saw her years ago I told myself I would never date her. I knew I would become immediately infatuated. I knew if it progressed to far, I would get devastated if it didn't work out. I knew I would always wonder why she was dating me. So over the years I ignored her advances on POF. And you could argue I made it a self fulfilling prophecy by thinking like this. And you might be right. But the last couple of weeks I was able to get over myself and give this a real pursuit. And with the information I received today it was against some considerable odds. She simply has some lingering feelings for someone else.

 

Putting the disappointment aside I feel really good. This beautiful woman this past Tuesday between kisses gave me a list of what she liked about me. I came extremely close to sleeping with her. She made comments that were very flattering during these close episodes. Comments that were unsolicited. And there was a lot of talk about the future. Part of her was in.

 

I started seeing this woman thinking I didn’t have a chance. I left thinking there’s no reason in the world why I don’t have a good chance of this not working out. Despite the fact she just dumped me.

 

I’m not going to contact her. She can decide if she misses me or not, or is curious. Or if things don’t work out with the other guy. I may have been an unintentional rebound. Or even an intentional one. Maybe I’m an option, maybe I’m not. Maybe she’s truly confused. But the bottom line is I’m moving on feeling pretty good overall. It was a short time. Not even a relationship. But I know I’ll miss her. Not just the insane attraction. I really love just listening to her and talking. That’s actually harder to walk away from. I would be crazy to get in her friend zone. More accurately, accept I’m there. I will never get out if I do. And there is no doubt in my mind, I would fall in love with her.

 

I obviously don’t know for sure what’s next. I think I will hear from her again. Either in the next few days, or months from now. I will assess things then. For now I don’t feel too upset. I want to move on.

 

Thanks for all your help. I'm still working on my confidence. But as I've said before, it's odd how something like this can actually leave you feeling confident.