The Tale of One Interest

[Sportster2005]

A smooth sea never made a good sailor.

 

I liked MD almost as much as LO. And in a lot of ways she's probably better for me. There's a bad pattern there. She shows interest. We go on a date. She gets terrified and runs. She did contact me before Xmas. We chatted / Snapchatted a bit. Then she went co ld. It's predictable behaviour. Every year that goes by she gets further from her divorce. Her kids get older, and she has more time.

 

I'm going to ask her out. The worse that can happen is she will unfriend me again. We love each other's sense of humour. I'll just say it's time for our annual date. I'll explain I won't pursue her afterwards like I usually do. I'll wait instead until 2018 to ask her out again.

 

My prediction. She'll accept. We will have an awesome date. She will offer to go really slow. No matter how slow we go, she'll run away. It has occurred to me she might just not be into me. I'll let her make that decision. Not sure if this going backwards, or trying to finish unfinished business.

 

LO is a beautiful person and a beautiful woman. I will be kind to her memory. I will be courteous when are paths cross. I am a fan of her happiness. I hope this new guy brings her what she desires. Today I release her of her role of unrequited lover. A role she never asked for, and was never aware of.

 

My open water adventure has been peaceful and rewarding. But it's time to turn the boat around and head for the shore. I'm not lonely out here, but I'm not meant to be alone. I'm meant to find someone. I'm not out of time, I'm not out of hope. My business out here is finished. Set a course for the shore.

[reinventmyself]

Have you read up on attachment styles, Sportster?

If not, I think you might find it interesting.

 

There is a great book called `Attached' by Emir Levine.

My therapist recommended it and I have passed it on to a couple friends.

 

It was great to see myself and where I am in the spectrum and give me the tools to sort out others and who may or

may not be a good fit for me.

 

It also shed light on why I am attracted to certain types and why I've had the same forgone conclusion.

 

I only say this after the pattern of you being intrigued by these unavailable women. I think there might be something to this. Just sayin'

 

It's an easy and intriguing read. If you have the time I encourage you to read it.

[Sportster2005]

Have you read up on attachment styles, Sportster?

If not, I think you might find it interesting.

 

There is a great book called `Attached' by Emir Levine.

My therapist recommended it and I have passed it on to a couple friends.

 

It was great to see myself and where I am in the spectrum and give me the tools to sort out others and who may or

may not be a good fit for me.

 

It also shed light on why I am attracted to certain types and why I've had the same forgone conclusion.

 

I only say this after the pattern of you being intrigued by these unavailable women. I think there might be something to this. Just sayin'

 

It's an easy and intriguing read. If you have the time I encourage you to read it.

 

I will check it out. I'll check Amazon and get it.

 

I went back to my therapist last week. She saw me this time last year, so she is familiar with me. She's able to see through clutter in my brain with laser focus. She thinks I'm attracted to instability. I was able to see things pretty clearly. She said a lot of things I needed to hear. And remind me of some things we talked about before.

 

There's a lot more work to do. I'm going to see her again in a few more weeks.

 

I've created some online accounts, pof an Match. It's early, but it's going well.

 

My only concern now is I can't help feel some anxiety now when I go dancing on Tuesday nights. It's very likely she will be there with her new boyfriend. It's not devastating by any stretch. But it sucks. More so because I would love to be her dance partner. No so much a romantic partner. O.K a little bit of that But I wouldn't now, even if she wanted to. I don't trust her to do the right thing. I'm also convinced like we already discussed, I'm sure most of it is me just wanting her to want me.

[journeynow]

I'm going to look for that book, too. Sportster, would you say that you yourself have a pretty stable life, set it up so that your basic needs and finances and day-to-day are crisis-free? Just curious (out of my own self-reflection).

[IAmFCA]

Is this the book with the white cover and big red corny heart? If so, corny cover but a great read. It was recommended on here for someone else, i bought it, read it, and passed it to two friends.

 

I thought, Sportster, that we talked about attachment styles ages ago. This book is on point because it gives alternative responses to help us communicate more effectively. Rather than feeling dysfunctional i felt like i needed better skills.

 

I agree re attraction to instability. Even as you try to think yourself out of it, the attraction remains. Perhaps it is a low risk proposition, as if they won't hold you accountable because they are already such a mess? Do you believe in your ability to maintain a steady relationship?

 

And omg i am so done with LO.

 

And

I still haven't learned how to communicate. Will you please call The Greek and tell him what to do and to just get on with it? I really wish I had a broker.

[catfeeder]

She thinks I'm attracted to instability.

 

Yep, she's probably right. I think I recall some posts back when I raised the idea of 'balance' with you, and why black/white, on/off, all-or-nothing thinking won't get you there. Hah! Well, extreme thinkers aren't interested in the serenity of balance--they want the rollercoaster despite the lows.

 

Most of the Eastern religions and philosophies are based on finding the 'sweet spot' and learning to navigate and enjoy the tightrope walk of balance, which the dualistic heaven/hell, good/evil Western traditions don't address. If you look up the Yin/Yang symbol, you can see how the two energies are intertwined to complement one another in a balanced circle. This represents an ideal balance that most of us never consider when we operate: something stings us, and so instead of incorporating incremental corrections we head straight for the extreme opposite, which is usually such an overcorrection we end up with a whole new set of problems.

 

I've found it helpful to think in terms of a gradient scale of 1 to 10. I look at things on that scale--do I over/under exercise? Eat? Sleep? Think? Date? Love?

 

I find that my best corrections don't involve tipping that scale to the other extreme, and I also notice how a neutral '5' is not always desirable. The point isn't to neutralize everything, but rather to look at where my extremes lie and decide where tempering those 'a bit' can bring me best outcomes.

 

So how about you, are you over/under in your preoccupation with dating? Can you dabble in it 'on the side' of your life, or is it an extreme preoccupation unless you turn the switch completely off? How about attraction: who are your '10's' and why? How about communication: do you bury stuff and then explode, or can you negotiate well? How does your communication in your love life differ from your communication in other areas?

 

I think your therapist opened a really good area to explore.

 

GREAT job, Sportster!

[reinventmyself]

Is this the book with the white cover and big red corny heart? If so, corny cover but a great read. It was recommended on here for someone else, i bought it, read it, and passed it to two friends.

 

.

 

That's the one

[Sportster2005]

I'm going to look for that book, too. Sportster, would you say that you yourself have a pretty stable life, set it up so that your basic needs and finances and day-to-day are crisis-free? Just curious (out of my own self-reflection).

 

Good question.

 

I'm 54. I have a mortgage on a nice condo. Two vehicles paid for. Bills get paid. A combination of bad luck and poor choices has left me with more debt than I would like. But I think below what the average family has. People can, and do rely on me. I'm dependable. I have emotional swings, obviously. But I'm aware of them, and working to correct them. I TRY not to react to emotions I am feeling, and take time to be deliberate and careful in my decision making when under pressure. Things rarely become a crisis, as it relates to my immediate well being. I won't let anger or frustration say or do anything too stupid.

 

Some men my age have been devastated by divorce and life in general. Some men my age are comfortably retiring, or are well paid CEOs. I'm somewhere between those extremes. Some men have complete emotional control, even under severe pressure. Some men completely lack self control and have anger issues. I will never be the complete in control type. Nor do I want to be. In crisis that don't involve my own emotions I am steady. Probably from working as a medic in the military.

 

I don't know if I'm emotionally unstable. I tend to be anxious. Simple triggers can cause the fight/flight response. My control is getting better. My initial reaction to a recent event was to flee. I forced myself to stay and endure it, and even try to like it. I was successful.

[journeynow]

I can relate. And I think my ex doesn't like stability, needs to have some sort of crisis to respond to.

[reinventmyself]

It's interesting as you write this I am imagining the men in my life and how I assumed they ought to be.

 

I think society has taught us that men should exhibit a certain amount of emotional control.

 

When I first get involved with a man they seem to have this going for them but as you become closer, more intimate and there is more at stake they are often the more vulnerable between the two of us. Or at the very least as emotional as I am.

 

You are definitely a thinker. Maybe an over thinker. I think it's a gift and curse at the same time. At least for you.

 

My youngest son is this way. Very philosophical and cerebral about everything. I love that about him.

He's really interesting and introspective but at the same time he struggles a little more. . in comparison to my older, devil may care son who just rolls with things without a second thought.

 

It's who you are. It is a gift even though it's challenging at times. Embrace it.

 

eta: I am an anxious runner too. I have to force myself to stay in the situation though my fight or flight response is telling me otherwise.

It gets better, though it never really goes away. Anxious people tend to overthink things too.

[Sportster2005]

I agree re attraction to instability. Even as you try to think yourself out of it, the attraction remains. Perhaps it is a low risk proposition, as if they won't hold you accountable because they are already such a mess? Do you believe in your ability to maintain a steady relationship?

Instability means I can never be hurt. Instead I choose long time suffering. Obviously it's not a good response to avoiding pain. I think to maintain a steady relationship I have to find a balance between infatuation/lust and healthy attraction and compatibility. When I was young I had a relationship that was crazy intense built on lust and infatuation. When she calmly announced it was over, I was devastated. It took me a long time to get over her.

 

When I met my wife, she was a good catch. She was attractive, but it wasn't intense to the point of insanity. I figured this is how it's supposed to work/feel. I don't think there was enough infatuation. And what was there, didn't last long. Which would have been O.K, accept our relationship fell apart for other reasons, and breaking up seemed like the correct thing to do.

 

I'm sure I sabotaged things with LO. Or at least tried to. It may not have required any in the end. She embodied everything I felt with the woman above. Even if it worked out, if she ever left me, I feared it would be just as devastating as when I was young. It may not be true, but it's risk I don't want to take.

 

I want someone I feel attracted to, but not insanely so. And if so, I need them to be, and I need to be more grounded.

And omg i am so done with LO.

Yeah I know, me too. Hence the new journal. She will have no power or mention there. And as this journal slips into irrelevance, I hope so will she. I feel I need to say something to her. Just so I can be comfortable around her.

 

And

I still haven't learned how to communicate. Will you please call The Greek and tell him what to do and to just get on with it? I really wish I had a broker.

 

One thing I'm trying is to simply ask for what I want.

[Sportster2005]

Yep, she's probably right. I think I recall some posts back when I raised the idea of 'balance' with you, and why black/white, on/off, all-or-nothing thinking won't get you there. Hah! Well, extreme thinkers aren't interested in the serenity of balance--they want the rollercoaster despite the lows.

 

Most of the Eastern religions and philosophies are based on finding the 'sweet spot' and learning to navigate and enjoy the tightrope walk of balance, which the dualistic heaven/hell, good/evil Western traditions don't address. If you look up the Yin/Yang symbol, you can see how the two energies are intertwined to complement one another in a balanced circle. This represents an ideal balance that most of us never consider when we operate: something stings us, and so instead of incorporating incremental corrections we head straight for the extreme opposite, which is usually such an overcorrection we end up with a whole new set of problems.

 

I've found it helpful to think in terms of a gradient scale of 1 to 10. I look at things on that scale--do I over/under exercise? Eat? Sleep? Think? Date? Love?

 

I find that my best corrections don't involve tipping that scale to the other extreme, and I also notice how a neutral '5' is not always desirable. The point isn't to neutralize everything, but rather to look at where my extremes lie and decide where tempering those 'a bit' can bring me best outcomes.

 

So how about you, are you over/under in your preoccupation with dating? Can you dabble in it 'on the side' of your life, or is it an extreme preoccupation unless you turn the switch completely off? How about attraction: who are your '10's' and why? How about communication: do you bury stuff and then explode, or can you negotiate well? How does your communication in your love life differ from your communication in other areas?

 

I think your therapist opened a really good area to explore.

 

GREAT job, Sportster!

 

Excellent points. I have been exploring balance in my life. I am not going to be pre-occupied with dating. I already feel good about it. I feel very little anxiety so far. I send emails, winks, and then I'm done. I never worry about the outcome. I want a positive one, but I don't feel bad, or much of anything if I don't get a response. I usually just forget. I find it an interesting process, and one I realize I have to put some effort in. But it's not the be all, end all.

 

Ironically I find a lot of mental/emotional balance coming because I am out of balance with exercise. It's something that has proven to be immensely helpful and positive. It's something I'm reluctant to dial back. I know the signs of over training, and am capable of adjusting. But if I meet someone and want to start a relationship, I have to give up something. Probably some dancing. That's something I can only do in the evening. All in all, I'm happy with my activity level. I still run a lot of mileage, but it is reasonable to me. Same with the gym. I can get that in an hour after work, a few days a week. Dancing is also social and is more for fun, and not so much exercise.

 

I'll have to think about some of the others.

 

My therapist is a marvel. One hour with her and I accomplished a lot.

[abitbroken]

 

One thing I'm trying is to simply ask for what I want.

 

You know what they say - its not always about what you want, but about what you need. It might not be someone who is a serious ballroom dancer. It might be someone that you'd have to teach a few moves to, but possesses qualities that are very complimentary to yours.

[lostandhurt]

Sportster,

 

I do not think you are emotionally unstable, maybe emotionally impulsive but certainly not unstable.

 

Reading your many words on dating and the women in your life I have seen you pull the trigger way to early or to often. Is that a defense mechanism? I have had it done to me and it always had an underlying theme or cause.

 

Personally I know all people are a little broken and carry something with us. To me it is who we are but most of all it gives us something to strive against, to prove wrong and to succeed in spite of.

 

To me I don't see anything serious with you. To simplify it to much maybe I think your picker needs adjusting is all. I wonder what would happen if you chose a woman totally different than your usual. Hell I wonder if I did that....

 

Spring is getting close and I see success in your future.

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

. There's a bad pattern there. She shows interest. We go on a date. She gets terrified and runs. She did contact me before Xmas. We chatted / Snapchatted a bit. It's predictable behaviour. Every year that goes by she gets further from her divorce.

 

I'm going to ask her out. The worse that can happen is she will unfriend me again. We love each other's sense of humour. I'll just say it's time for our annual date. I'll explain I won't pursue her afterwards like I usually do. I'll wait instead until 2018 to ask her out again.

 

My prediction. She'll accept. We will have an awesome date. She will offer to go really slow. No matter how slow we go, she'll run away. It has occurred to me she might just not be into me. I'll let her make that decision. Not sure if this going backwards, or trying to finish unfinished business. .

 

For someone who is working hard to change the current dating dynamic in his life, why would you consider this?

 

O.K. . Maybe it will be fun date. . But I can't help but think this only reinforces the very thing you are trying so hard to change.

 

Why give someone your valuable time and energy when you already know the outcome will be that of a disappointment? Even if it's minor.

 

Just because you can talk yourself into being prepared for it doesn't make it any better, you know. You aren't fooling us.

 

There is something about this dynamic that you are drawn to because you keep seeking it out.

 

Don't go backwards. Forwards, Sportster. Do something different.

[IAmFCA]

Just discovered presence of the new journal. Going there.

 

I read your words and so often they could be describing my experiences. I feel I have moved into a new set of experiences. I feel as if I am turning a new prism, that the core is different. I read your words and I know in my bones that you are going somewhere, you are working to cross a river. I want that river crossed. I don't know if I see more parallels than exist; maybe I do. Doesn't matter, I want that river crossed. I want you to experience a new paradigm.

 

Therefore, I am breaking up with the unmentioned one. She is out of my mind. That past is - in my mind - hereby separated from your future. I will go to the new journal with a bottle of champagne and a nice wedge of camembert.

 

---

 

And thank you for the suggestion. I am trying to practice saying what I want. Carrying this discussion over to my journal because what I just wrote here makes it plain that I am behind the curve on this one.

[Sportster2005]

Sportster,

 

I do not think you are emotionally unstable, maybe emotionally impulsive but certainly not unstable.

 

Reading your many words on dating and the women in your life I have seen you pull the trigger way to early or to often. Is that a defense mechanism? I have had it done to me and it always had an underlying theme or cause.

 

Personally I know all people are a little broken and carry something with us. To me it is who we are but most of all it gives us something to strive against, to prove wrong and to succeed in spite of.

 

To me I don't see anything serious with you. To simplify it to much maybe I think your picker needs adjusting is all. I wonder what would happen if you chose a woman totally different than your usual. Hell I wonder if I did that....

 

Spring is getting close and I see success in your future.

 

Lost

 

Always good to hear from you lost.

 

You're not the first to mention my itchy trigger finger. I'm simply going to have to put on big boy pants and let things unfold before passing quick, and usually harsh judgement. I think it might be an overcorrection form early days of dating when I would be oblivious to a woman brushing me off. And quite frankly a little insecurity, AND my expert saboteur skills.

 

And if I learned anything from my last foray is my women picker isn't broken. It's entirely smashed and incapable of functioning. I think it's working better know. I will just have to go slow this time around to ensure it's working properly.

 

One of my fears now is success. I've had some really good early success. Frankly I'm a little frightened. I feel like I'm attracting much better quality women. And I have to be fearless and remember I bring some great qualities to the table, and shouldn't be intimidated.

[Sportster2005]

For someone who is working hard to change the current dating dynamic in his life, why would you consider this?

Comfort zone. I'm certain of the outcome. No risk. And I will have fun. And maybe, just maybe, things will work out this time. But, between the time I wrote that, and now, I've lost interest. I could be interested again, but the bar for admission back into my life has been raised very high. I see no reason anymore to keep it so low.

 

O.K. . Maybe it will be fun date. . But I can't help but think this only reinforces the very thing you are trying so hard to change.

Yup

Why give someone your valuable time and energy when you already know the outcome will be that of a disappointment? Even if it's minor.

Yup

Just because you can talk yourself into being prepared for it doesn't make it any better, you know. You aren't fooling us.

That's why I love you guys

There is something about this dynamic that you are drawn to because you keep seeking it out.

I can't get hurt if I don't have a relationship. So why not chase women that aren't emotionally available? I get to say I tried, without really trying. I think that's part of it. I think there's more. I've reacquainted with a therapist I saw last year. We will get to the bottom of it.

 

Don't go backwards. Forwards, Sportster. Do something different.

 

I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. The woman I was with today, was the same woman I went for a coffee meet at the end of last summer. In fact that was my last meet with anyone. I'm not sure if it's going back. I think it might be a continuation. Last summer there seem to be some hesitation from her, and I of course pulled the trigger. We did see each other at dance class all the time. Our eyes always seem to meet a lot?? And she made a couple of comments?? Soooooo when I saw her on Match last week, I genuinely wanted to say hi, and see how she was doing. She stopped going to dance class. She responded positively. So I felt her out with a vague offer of coffee some time. She took the initiative and today we met. Full details in my other journal.

 

Now the good news. I went on a motorbike ride in 2013 with a gal I fancied. Despite her saying we should get together again, she never returned my call. Over the years I would see her online and try to make chit/chat with her. Nothing. Last week she deemed me worthy again to chat with. We started to talk about meeting. Then I just kind of lost interest. I realized this woman has turned me down repeatedly over the years. Why go backwards? Not trying to be a d ick, but she kind of had her chance.

 

I do NOT excel at moving on. I know I should, and I know it's a problem I have. I have to force myself forward.

[Sportster2005]

Just discovered presence of the new journal. Going there.

 

I read your words and so often they could be describing my experiences. I feel I have moved into a new set of experiences. I feel as if I am turning a new prism, that the core is different. I read your words and I know in my bones that you are going somewhere, you are working to cross a river. I want that river crossed. I don't know if I see more parallels than exist; maybe I do. Doesn't matter, I want that river crossed. I want you to experience a new paradigm.

 

Therefore, I am breaking up with the unmentioned one. She is out of my mind. That past is - in my mind - hereby separated from your future. I will go to the new journal with a bottle of champagne and a nice wedge of camembert.

 

---

 

And thank you for the suggestion. I am trying to practice saying what I want. Carrying this discussion over to my journal because what I just wrote here makes it plain that I am behind the curve on this one.

 

I hope you're not too much like me. It gets noisy in this brain of mine

 

I have broken up with her. Mentally and emotionally. She is part of my story now. I suspect I might mention her again. It will be in this journal. This story isn't over. But it's not important to me. It's curiosity now. This journal is the poisoned well. My new one will not hear of her, or tolerate her.

 

I'm sure I will see her at the dance studio from time to time. Or dancing at the club. I walk by the store she works in sometimes three or four times a week. I will see her. My focus has shifted to making peace. I can never be angry at her. Despite all that was said and done, it's a very simple story. I wanted her, she didn't want me back. And that's where it ends. I'm not mad at her. But I do carry some anger. Anger that serves me no purpose. And it's not at her. It's at life. It's the young boy in me that just wants something to work out just once. I'm angry because I felt I was so close, and fate snatched it away, as it often does, so heartlessly. I always find it difficult. But this was the gold standard in anger. I don't have anger issues. I don't act on it. It doesn't preoccupy me. But when I see her, by inner child tantrums. I can't have that anymore. I'm compassionate to the child inside the man. But I have to get stern with him sometimes. I want to make peace with LO. Not for her benefit. But for mine. I think it can be as simple as walking by the shop she works in and just being able to smile and say hi. And feeling good for knowing her.

 

Keep in mind, there would be no river to cross without her. She severely altered the arc of my life. I'm on top of my game. She isn't the reason. She's the catalyst. She's the bad experience that made me change. Made me grow. She moved me out complacency and on to a path of something better. I took a much needed break. All those things never would have happened without her. I am grateful to her.

 

I see her differently now. She was a gift to me. Just not the gift I wanted her to be. Her rejection was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, in the recent history of my life.

[IAmFCA]

Seriously. We are the same. I think i have written verbatim the sentence you wrote about the noisy brain. Your LO was my MWFN. Best gift ever. I was very glad to your most recent post.

 

Awesome work and wonderous discoveries ahead. The scariest part of crossing the river from avoidant to available (presuming I have) was stepping off the dock and being afraid I couldn't swim. Of course I can swim, and so will you. Your therapist might be a distraction simply be his presence. Make sure you drill all the way to the molten core. It is life affirming. 💪

[Sportster2005]

Seriously. We are the same. I think i have written verbatim the sentence you wrote about the noisy brain. Your LO was my MWFN. Best gift ever. I was very glad to your most recent post.

💪

 

Seriously though I can't escape her. Yesterday I was having coffee with a gal. Long story short, she's talking about a gal her ex-dance partner dated. I know from the context it was LO. I just sat there, kind of laughing to myself, and kind of saying, does this ever end. I can't even have a coffee with a new interest without her plopping into the conversation.

 

This morning at apres run coffee. My running buddies are asking me how the dancing is going. The one sitting to my left(CK) informs the woman in the shop just down the hall is a dancer. CK said she was in there just the other day talking to her, and the woman in the shop was telling her all about her dancing. I asked CK which shop, just to confirm. Yup, it's the shop LO just started working at.

 

I find it funny. I need to move to a bigger city.

 

Your therapist might be a distraction simply be his presence. Make sure you drill all the way to the molten core. It is life affirming.

She knows me better than I know me. Sounds hoeky. But she nails it every time. And she won't let me wiggle of the hook when things get frightening and sad. She calmly leads me into the dark passages.

[IAmFCA]

Seriously though I can't escape her. Yesterday I was having coffee with a gal. Long story short, she's talking about a gal her ex-dance partner dated. I know from the context it was LO. I just sat there, kind of laughing to myself, and kind of saying, does this ever end. I can't even have a coffee with a new interest without her plopping into the conversation.

 

This morning at apres run coffee. My running buddies are asking me how the dancing is going. The one sitting to my left(CK) informs the woman in the shop just down the hall is a dancer. CK said she was in there just the other day talking to her, and the woman in the shop was telling her all about her dancing. I asked CK which shop, just to confirm. Yup, it's the shop LO just started working at.

 

I find it funny. I need to move to a bigger city.

 

 

She knows me better than I know me. Sounds hoeky. But she nails it every time. And she won't let me wiggle of the hook when things get frightening and sad. She calmly leads me into the dark passages.

 

Come to my city. MWFN has finally stopped showing up in my life. His gf sending me a screenshot of their texts about me may have turned out to be a blessing. Your tales of all roads leading back to LO are reason enough! Laughing seems the best approach.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I can't get hurt if I don't have a relationship. So why not chase women that aren't emotionally available? I get to say I tried, without really trying. I think that's part of it. I think there's more. I've reacquainted with a therapist I saw last year. We will get to the bottom of it. .

 

I'll keep this brief and share with you that I get your dilemma because our patterns are similar. (and I have spent a lot of $$ on therapy)

 

I've had a thing for unavailable men my entire life. I've had ltr's relationships (and a marriage) with some that were painfully frustrating.

 

The biggest lesson here is that if I want to know how available my partner is, I just need to look in the mirror.

I am the common denominator here.

 

If you follow my current relationship. . I went on and on about all his faults. He's far from perfect, but what I am learning is that

one of our bigger challenges, that could run at almost an unconscious level - is that he happens to be very emotionally available.

I crave it and want to run from it at the same time.

 

This is our second time around and I am committed to doing things differently and I'll tell you this doesn't come second nature for me.

So in my 50's, for the first time I am pushing to be present, open, available and giving this all I have and I do see the difference.

It's almost uncomfortable at times. .I have to be honest. But it's worth it.

 

I am telling you this because you are doing what I have done in the past. . Especially when I was in a place where I didn't have faith.

I think to myself. . "what the he**. . He's not right, it won't go anywhere and I don't particularly want it to anyway"

But I'll quiet that little voice that knows better and do it anyway.

 

And like I mentioned to you earlier about your choices previously . . For me, it just reinforced that life long pattern that was assigned to me at birth.

 

Not sure it applies. . just something to think about. . .

 

(o.k. so it wasn't so brief )

[Sportster2005]

I'll keep this brief and share with you that I get your dilemma because our patterns are similar. (and I have spent a lot of $$ on therapy)

 

I've had a thing for unavailable men my entire life. I've had ltr's relationships (and a marriage) with some that were painfully frustrating.

 

The biggest lesson here is that if I want to know how available my partner is, I just need to look in the mirror.

I am the common denominator here.

 

If you follow my current relationship. . I went on and on about all his faults. He's far from perfect, but what I am learning is that

one of our bigger challenges, that could run at almost an unconscious level - is that he happens to be very emotionally available.

I crave it and want to run from it at the same time.

 

This is our second time around and I am committed to doing things differently and I'll tell you this doesn't come second nature for me.

So in my 50's, for the first time I am pushing to be present, open, available and giving this all I have and I do see the difference.

It's almost uncomfortable at times. .I have to be honest. But it's worth it.

 

I am telling you this because you are doing what I have done in the past. . Especially when I was in a place where I didn't have faith.

I think to myself. . "what the he**. . He's not right, it won't go anywhere and I don't particularly want it to anyway"

But I'll quiet that little voice that knows better and do it anyway.

 

And like I mentioned to you earlier about your choices previously . . For me, it just reinforced that life long pattern that was assigned to me at birth.

 

Not sure it applies. . just something to think about. . .

 

(o.k. so it wasn't so brief )

 

Thank you for sharing this. I have been following your story with interest, and I'm hopeful for you.

 

You can probably understand the struggle of changing a lifetime of bad habits. I'm trying to make incremental adjustments, while avoiding my common pitfalls.

 

I am talking to a woman now I previously wouldn't have. She seems slow and deliberate. She seems interested, but is playing very safe. I will have to be patient and take my time with her. She is not coming on strong. Which I know typically fails, but can't seem to resist. I'm uncomfortable with this. I suspect though this is a more healthy approach. Small incremental steps. Each email just revealing a wee bit more. No outward encouragement accept the fact we continue to talk.

 

When she first contacted me I immediately went into rejecting her mode. I was initially excited. I saw her profile previously. In her email she simply asked where one of my photos was located. So I CHOSE to believe she just wanted to know the location, and wasn't interested. She also prefers men who are taller than me, and make more money than me. Normally this would be more than adequate for me to delete the email and just shrug it off as another failure. But then I thought, what if she asked me something while standing at the bar, or in line for a coffee?? I would engage the conversation and see where it went. So I responded. And things seem to be going quite well. So much so I might ask her out. Although that prospect terrifies me. She's not coming on strong. Which means she may not leave quickly. I might have to take my time and date her a bit. OMG

 

That's a small change for me. But it's a major achievement.

 

I am comfortable knowing what the common denominator is when it comes to dating failure. I mean who is the common denominator. Fixing years of bad habits is going to be tough.

[reinventmyself]

 

Fixing years of bad habits is going to be tough.

 

Ain't that the truth!

I personally believe challenging yourself with the questions and the desire for change is half the battle.

So. . You are already half way there ;0)

 

I remember you talking yourself out of LO before you even gave her a chance.

I hear you admit to doing the same just now.

If there was a way you could just live in the moment, not forecast the future and maybe go into this thinking ` I can't have too many friends' and not put pressure on yourself, you'll be that much further ahead of the game.

 

I read once that women are notorious for going on a date and sizing up her date with `is he my forever after?' when it's just a date.

It's the path down a rabbit hole when a woman does this. It changes her energy and she looses sight of the purpose.

Maybe this applies some here.

 

I've learn to view OLD in a large picture sort of way. Not the means to a relationship but an opportunity to meet a lot of interesting people.

A lot of these people have become friends, passers by, freaks. .(lol) and a very minor number turned into something meaningful.

But most of them enriched my life in some sort of way.

 

Try to look at it as just a day in your life and you had the honor of meeting an interesting person. . period.

Nothing more. Marinade in that for the moment. The rest will come.

 

Keep us posted!