The Tale of One Interest

[Sportster2005]

Seriously awesome.

Life with me with me is wonderful. I know, because I spend quality time with myself.

 

I’m here to meet a friend, a lover, a confidante. Someone to explore life with. Someone to have adventures with. Someone to grow old with. I would rather be a traveler than a tourist. Someone to protect from whatever they need protecting from.

I love live music. I play guitar. Talk of alternate tunings is the ultimate pillow talk for me. Or of photography, and how different something can look by looking at it differently. What is yours?

 

Doesn't flow?? I find it easy to misinterpret. I should be more specific with 'live music'. Doesn't everyone love live music?

 

"I'll never forget when I heard Neil Young play live. I was mesmerized and elated. I love live music. From the concert hall, to the open mic at the local club. I play guitar. Alternate tuning is the ultimate pillow tale to me. What's yours?"

 

Maybe I'll leave photography out for now. They can discover it later?

 

I can't leave the dance thing alone. I also don't want to be too physical. Should demonstrate some smarts?

 

I run, sometimes marathons. I spend time in the gym.

I spend time in the dance studio. I hope to be in this body for some time to come. I want to get the most out of it. I exercise my brain regularly with writing and reading. I believe in lifelong learning. I work in a technical field. I don’t mind if people mix up “there” and “their”. It doesn’t make me smarter to know the difference. I’m funny too. My cat laughs at me all the time.

 

Love, love the following paragraph.

The sound of falling rain is the most peaceful and romantic thing in the world.

Do you believe as I do? Honesty without discretion is cruelty. Maintain the dignity of the other person, even if they sometimes don’t deserve it. Never say words in anger that can never be taken back. Hold people when they cry, no matter why they are crying. Be kind to everyone, you never know what struggles they have.

 

If life is an adventure and you understand the kindness I offer and seek, like or message me to connect. Will you let me have the next dance?

 

Thanks a gazillion.

 

LD is thinking I should hope online. She says I'm looking good, and feeling good now. She opines it's possible I'm avoiding it for the wrong reasons. hmmmmmm

[reinventmyself]

 

LD is thinking I should hope online. She says I'm looking good, and feeling good now. She opines it's possible I'm avoiding it for the wrong reasons. hmmmmmm

 

I agree with LD. You've passed through the disappointment and then the self reflection. Maybe it's just the push you need.

 

I saw on the news the other day, that OLD is at it's peak.

Supposedly it's the busiest time of year and one day early in Jan Match hit a record for activity.

 

It's your time, Sportster. . (push, push)

[IAmFCA]

Go on line! You're a hot ... oh crud. That really isn't polite even though I mean it in fun. Go on line.

 

I like your edits. Except: delete I exercise my brain etc. Your words are strongest when they reflect your passion for sound and visuals. Plus, too many I sentences. Try: I work in a technical field,read and write non-fiction (?) on the weekends, and enjoy learning something new. What might we learn together?

 

Keep asking yourself, how is this relevant to her?

 

 

Seriously awesome.

 

I love live music. I play guitar. Talk of alternate tunings is the ultimate pillow talk for me. Or of photography, and how different something can look by looking at it differently. What is yours?

 

Doesn't flow?? I find it easy to misinterpret. I should be more specific with 'live music'. Doesn't everyone love live music?

 

"I'll never forget when I heard Neil Young play live. I was mesmerized and elated. I love live music. From the concert hall, to the open mic at the local club. I play guitar. Alternate tuning is the ultimate pillow tale to me. What's yours?"

 

Maybe I'll leave photography out for now. They can discover it later?

 

I can't leave the dance thing alone. I also don't want to be too physical. Should demonstrate some smarts?

 

I run, sometimes marathons. I spend time in the gym.

I spend time in the dance studio. I hope to be in this body for some time to come. I want to get the most out of it. I exercise my brain regularly with writing and reading. I believe in lifelong learning. I work in a technical field. I don’t mind if people mix up “there” and “their”. It doesn’t make me smarter to know the difference. I’m funny too. My cat laughs at me all the time.

 

Love, love the following paragraph.

 

 

Thanks a gazillion.

 

LD is thinking I should hope online. She says I'm looking good, and feeling good now. She opines it's possible I'm avoiding it for the wrong reasons. hmmmmmm

[Sportster2005]

I agree with LD. You've passed through the disappointment and then the self reflection. Maybe it's just the push you need.

 

I saw on the news the other day, that OLD is at it's peak.

Supposedly it's the busiest time of year and one day early in Jan Match hit a record for activity.

 

It's your time, Sportster. . (push, push)

 

I'm actually a little frightened. More to follow.

[IAmFCA]

Frightened? By the hordes banging on your front door?

[Sportster2005]

Frightened? By the hordes banging on your front door?

 

I befriended an older, wise psychologist when I was a young medic in the military. He was a fascinating man. We had interesting talks over lunch, in the hallways. I would pick his brain every opportunity I could. One of the most interesting things he told me, was how members who had served most of their adult life were terrified to become civilians. It was a huge and frightening adjustment for some. Some joined in their teens and retire at 55. It's the only life they have known. When you walk out the gate for the last, you become a new person. When I left the military I was more excited than nervous. But I understand the concept of becoming a new person. Them minute I walked out the gate, I understood that very acutely.

 

I'm not the man I was at the beginning of 2016. I had many stressful events conspire against me. I managed them all well, until LO. That incident was the bridge too far. My solution to all the combined stress, was to become a new man. But I didn't know it at the time. It was a result of many activities. I ended 2016 a completely different man. There were some lingering issues with LO, that frankly have been resolved.

 

Going back online and dating feels like I'm walking out of the gate. I'm frightened because I have to learn new ways of dating. I'm a different man, and I can't, and won't, rely on the crutches I've created in the past. I'm confident enough not to need them. I'm also very excited. Perhaps I'm feeling pre-game jitters to some extent. I'm a little afraid of success. I'm comfortable where I am. Complacent.

[lostandhurt]

Sportster,

 

I totally get where you are coming from. Like you said "The longer I am single the easier it gets" and I am very much like you on this. Life is good, no drama, schedule is packed with all kinds of cool stuff, I feel good and things look bright for 2017. So why rock the boat? WHY?

 

You and I both know why. Not because we NEED a woman in our lives, not because we are lonely, not because there is some huge void we need filled but because we know how it feels having that connection to these wonderful creatures that baffle us, drive us crazy at times, let us be totally vulnerable and open and inspire us to be more than we are. The longer you are single the easier it is to forget how great it is to spend time with a really special woman but just because that feeling has faded from our memories a little doesn't mean we should ignore that we WANT that in our lives.

 

I get your apprehension about jumping back in and being afraid of success and actually meeting someone. Like the dog that finally catches the car he has been chasing "Now What?" I have no doubt that everything you have learned will serve you very well and you will do wonderfully in a relationship.

 

Reading your stories and tales of dating I noticed something I was hesitant to bring up. Do you think you are attracted to the wrong type of woman? Kind of like some women are attracted to the bad boy type but keep repeating it over and over again. Just a thought.

 

So your bags are packed, you have your tickets and now all you have to do is board the Match Dot Com train to datesville. When will it be pulling out of the station is the only question...

 

Lost

[IAmFCA]

I befriended an older, wise psychologist when I was a young medic in the military. He was a fascinating man. We had interesting talks over lunch, in the hallways. I would pick his brain every opportunity I could. One of the most interesting things he told me, was how members who had served most of their adult life were terrified to become civilians. It was a huge and frightening adjustment for some. Some joined in their teens and retire at 55. It's the only life they have known. When you walk out the gate for the last, you become a new person. When I left the military I was more excited than nervous. But I understand the concept of becoming a new person. Them minute I walked out the gate, I understood that very acutely.

 

I'm not the man I was at the beginning of 2016. I had many stressful events conspire against me. I managed them all well, until LO. That incident was the bridge too far. My solution to all the combined stress, was to become a new man. But I didn't know it at the time. It was a result of many activities. I ended 2016 a completely different man. There were some lingering issues with LO, that frankly have been resolved.

 

Going back online and dating feels like I'm walking out of the gate. I'm frightened because I have to learn new ways of dating. I'm a different man, and I can't, and won't, rely on the crutches I've created in the past. I'm confident enough not to need them. I'm also very excited. Perhaps I'm feeling pre-game jitters to some extent. I'm a little afraid of success. I'm comfortable where I am. Complacent.

 

Yes. This was my path too. My fear was that I would go out into the woods and get confronted by the hunters and the prey, and retreat back to my old ways. Intuitively. That testing myself would turn out to be a failure. And I did fail. I got too attached, or responded inappropriately, still dated the unavailable ones. But it was incremental change. I identified the wrong path sooner, then sooner still, till eventually, it became (only recently) unattractive and maybe even repellent. I needed OTJ training to grow into my new skin.

 

Of course, what if I never went out into the woods? What if I never tested my skills, found ways to learn new habits? Never wrote overwrought thoughts on eNA so that IRL I could enjoy my new company in peace? Well, then it would be me, happy and alone, in my little house, surrounded by woods. Like a Grimm's Fairy Tale of some sort. Creepy to hear the wolves outside and be afraid to go out to join them.

 

OTJ training is a fact of life, just like missteps are. Its okay. Come over after, I will feed you hot cider and help you laugh along the way.

[Sportster2005]

Lost / ITIC haven't forgot about you. Sooooooon.

 

New Cute Girl at Gym. NCGG or NC for short.

 

Young, very pretty. Long black hair, killer butt. I put her in late 20s early to mid 30s. But I've always sucked at estimating age. I see her there almost every time I go to the gym. Which is most week days at 4:00 and Saturday at 10:30. Our eyes would bump into each other once in a while. Hey, I'm bound to get caught from time to time. Last time I was there she outright smiled at me. I was kind of surprised. And since I thought it couldn't possibly be a flirt I just kind of awkwardly half smiled back. I figure if it's too good to be true then..... I've also noticed she talks to a lot of guys in the gym. My guess is she's just friendly.

 

I worked out close to her today. As I finished that part of the workout and walked away she smiled again. She has an awesome smile btw. I think it's a community smile. Like "hey I see you here a lot, I sense familiarity and just want to say hello" type of smile. I returned a much better smile today. I feel a little intimidated. If she was closer in age I might be inclined to think she's flirting a bit. She seems easy to talk to. I think that's part of the problem. She talks to all kinds of guys, younger and my age. That leads me to think she's just friendly. I think the key in these situations is to just build a rapport. Smile a little more enthusiastically, start a convo sometime. See where it goes.

[IAmFCA]

From personalitypage profile of an intp: "The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP." It goes on to say "these are the pioneers of new thoughts in society" - so, that's awesome.

 

No wonder you need a special gal. Youre a special guy.

 

Your conclusion re gym gal, converse, see where it goes. This incremental sort of sentence is brilliance. It is direct, simple. It asks for the right amount of interest and engagement, from you as well as your conversation partner.

 

You are circling closer and closer to target, wherr target isn't a woman, but rather your own readiness. The externality of Woman will fall into place somehow because you will put yourself in the path of her and be ready to engage/connect when she shows up.

[Sportster2005]

Sportster,

 

 

Reading your stories and tales of dating I noticed something I was hesitant to bring up. Do you think you are attracted to the wrong type of woman? Kind of like some women are attracted to the bad boy type but keep repeating it over and over again. Just a thought.

 

So your bags are packed, you have your tickets and now all you have to do is board the Match Dot Com train to datesville. When will it be pulling out of the station is the only question...

 

Lost

 

Therein lies part of my problem. I don't seem attracted to conventional or traditional women. I'm not sure those two words even convey the correct meaning. Put another way, I am attracted to interesting women. I get bored easy I guess. I also tend to be less rigorous in selecting a mate than I should be. I think I'm too trusting and non-judgmental. And unfortunately with the passage of time, I fear I may be getting desperate. I've used this illustration before. I feel like a dog at the pound. Every day potential pet owners come and pick the other dogs. I seem to always be left behind. Yes, irrational, but it's sometimes how I feel.

 

My one only real steady girlfriend since divorce was interesting. Unique, and an original. She also proved to be emotionally unavailable. I would go as far as to say emotionally stalled. At 42, her longest relationship had been six months long. We went to about nine months. That would probably spook most guys. I did't see it as so much a red flag, more of just an irregularity. She was independent, strong, and very creative. I don't seek independence, but the women I end up liking all seem to have this quality.

 

LO was beyond an interesting person. Very fascinating. But as a package she has a lot of issues.

 

I don't know if all interesting women are problematic. Or just the ones I seem to have attracted, and have been attracted to.

 

They also seem to seek me out. Maybe I'm their mirror image in some way. Maybe I appear stable from my profile.

 

But I don't what else to do. I was dating a woman from March to May before I met LO. She was a nice girl. But I just couldn't get into her, and she couldn't really get into me either. Had there been some spark she would have otherwise made an excellent partner.

 

I guess I have been picking the wrong women. I have to find an interesting woman, who is at least emotionally mature and emotionally available. LO has incredible baggage. I feel bad for her. A wonderful exciting woman, who struggles and struggles. I can't imagine who would ultimately fulfill her.

 

I don't know when I'll be back online. It keeps getting bumped down the priority list. I search Match from time to time. Nothing there really jumps out at me. It's a very small dating pool here.

[Sportster2005]

I got too attached, or responded inappropriately, still dated the unavailable ones. But it was incremental change. I identified the wrong path sooner, then sooner still, till eventually, it became (only recently) unattractive and maybe even repellent. I needed OTJ training to grow into my new skin.

 

)

 

This would be a good place to start. I just re-read some of my earlier posts on ENA. I can't believe I was THAT person. Knee jerk reactions, insecurity, wrong paths. If anything I can look to my history as a good "how not to".

 

Besides, statistically I should be close to meeting someone soon?

 

Not that I should leave it all to chance.

[IAmFCA]

This would be a good place to start. I just re-read some of my earlier posts on ENA. I can't believe I was THAT person. Knee jerk reactions, insecurity, wrong paths. If anything I can look to my history as a good "how not to".

 

Besides, statistically I should be close to meeting someone soon?

 

Not that I should leave it all to chance.

Im afraid to read my old posts. The change is too great and too new. I think it would hurt to see me, then.

[Sportster2005]

At the gym yesterday. Both gym girls were there. By the time I changed and was on the floor, gym girl A had left. She is the one closer to my age. She seems to have gone completely cold.

 

Gym girl B. I wasn't in the mood for flirting or anything remotely connected. I did my workout and went home. If she walked by I would have smiled, maybe said hi. She didn't come near me. She did talk to a few of the other guys there. I think she's just a social gym rat. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm a social dancing and running butterfly. I do chat briefly with a couple of people from the gym I know. From an assessment point of view I'm pretty convinced, any smiling from her is just friendly like. In short she probably isn't treating me differently than any of the other regular guys that go to the gym.

 

Injured my darn leg.

 

In no rush to put up a dating profile. Think that was just a knee jerk reaction to seeing LO again. I don't have a lot of time, and am kind of happy where I am. But lost makes a good argument. I am going to continue to just go day to day.

[lostandhurt]

Sportster,

 

I don't think it is just you. I have had my share of interesting women but it always seems to come with something else and that something else is not good no matter how much we try and be patient, understanding or laid back about it. Kind of like the draw of a bad boy. The comparison isn't exact but it is very hard to quantify attraction.

 

We are different in that I am not looking for an interesting woman. My goal is a genuine, smart, unselfish, friendly, social and honest woman that has dealt with most of her baggage from the past that I am physically attracted to. I do know I definitely have my kind of pretty that I go for and I can't really help that but emotionally I can get better at stopping sooner once I see red flags.

 

I too window shop and have seen a few I am interested in but I am not ready to do OLD again. Someone suggested I try MeetUp groups in my area. I may look into it.

 

I think you are seeing things a lot more clearer from what I know about you. BUT now I have to go back and read your old threads.

 

Yours too ITIC

 

It should be fun going in the way back machine to 2012, heck I have been here since 2008! I was a mess back then...

 

Lost

[Sportster2005]

I will respond Lost. Lots to mull over.

 

---------------------------------------------

 

I don't believe in Karma, or the Universe will give me what I want, if I just ask. I believe in religion less and less each day. The concept of "Mean to be" is foolishness. There is no preordained order to our existence. We live, things happen in and out our our control, then we die.

 

I sure find coincidence an amazing idea though. I was taking out an old mattress to the garbage bin about a half hour ago. And I remembered bumping into a neighbour there quite a few years ago. A very attractive, fit blonde woman. One that I was so sure that would never show any interest in me, that I pretended she never existed.

 

I used to see her out running. Sometimes when she cooled down I would see her walk by just outside my place. I'm on the bottom floor. One day I was on my deck having a ciggy. I smoked briefly after divorce. I was out of shape, and overweight. She walked right by. In one motion I dropped the ciggy as fast as I could and turned around and headed back in. Our eyes met briefly. She kind of nodded 'hi'. I was embarrassed AF. I kind of nodded back.

 

I would see her sometimes at the cafe by our place. I think she moved out. Never saw her around anymore. At the cafe I would try not to get caught looking. I think she knew. One day I decided to stop being a wuss. I walked by on my way out. She was marking papers, it appeared. I said 'Hi', she barely looked up and just nodded.

 

The cafe closed. I haven't seen her in years. Another one opened in its spot this summer. This summer she was in a couple of times. She looks even more gorgeous than ever. I found out from some gossipy regulars at the cafe she's a professor. I didn't ask, they told me one day as she was there. Maybe it's my imagination. She seemed to look up at me now and then. She was subtle. She was on her phone a lot. Like she was talking to a BF. That was a few months ago.

 

So I'm throwing out my old mattress wondering about her. I hop in my car, zip across the street to pick up something at the Shopper's Drug Mart. Still asking myself questions about her. Wondering. The drive is about 15 seconds. I stop get out of the car. Two spots away she's getting out of her car. Our eyes meet briefly. She knows who I am. She turns quickly and takes out her phone and starts texting. She must be going to the Chinese Restaurant. Quite a coincidence.

[Sportster2005]

LOL get out of my life woman. Short story. Walking in mall at lunch. Saw LO working in store. Must be new job. Just kept walking, she didn't see me. She looked good. Started feeling bad. Wondering when will I eve completely get over this.

 

Walk into dance studio tonight. She's there. I figure she might be teaching, or is dancing tonight with someone. But it's for the 101 class. It's beginner. She's most advanced class, and does some teaching on the side. Regardless of why she is there, I figure the reality is we are worlds are going to keep colliding. I'm not going to get all anxious and leave, or do anything. I look right at her, she looks right at me. I say "oh hey there". She basically ignores me. Soooooo ok??? I don't understand, and quite frankly I'm done kind of caring.

 

I'm going to enjoy my class irrelevant of her being there. And she looks god awful horrible. Earlier in the day she had a nice long skirt on. Tonight she's in a skin tight bright yellow dress. She simply can't where things like that anymore. She's really let herself go. I'm in the studio before class. She walks by. One of the people in my little group kinds of laughs and says "I don't think so". I ask her what is she talking about. She says never mind. I said is that woman that just walked by. She says "yes, ohmigod, I can't believe she's wearing that". The two are complete strangers. So it kind of validates, that she's just not looking that good.

 

Class starts. She's with some guy. New love interest I assume. She always says on her profile, her bf must know how to dance, or be willing to learn. It kind of bothered me a bit. But I just couldn't find her attractive at all. Not physically, and not personality wise. I have no idea what the whole hostility thing is. Whatever. I was really surprised by her guy. He's tiny. Doesn't look handsome to me. Not that looks are everything. But she places a high value on them. She seems to like athletic men. He looked thin, actually skinny, but not athletic. And maybe same height as her. And she was wearing heels.

 

I'll continue tomorrow. But by the end of the class, I felt nothing. Actually relief, and a little bemused, and I find the evening kind of funny. There were more comments from others. Enough writing tonight, it's late.

[catfeeder]

I'll continue tomorrow. But by the end of the class, I felt nothing. Actually relief, and a little bemused, and I find the evening kind of funny. There were more comments from others. Enough writing tonight, it's late.

 

Good job. It may be forced desensitization, but you're working it well.

[Sportster2005]

Good job. It may be forced desensitization, but you're working it well.

 

Yes, I think it is.

 

I suspected this exact thing might happen some day. I thought I would be devastated to see her dancing with another man. Part of the issue, is I've fallen in love with dancing. And I just can't seem to find a dance partner that would be a good partner. Or a partner that would like to dance. So putting everything else aside, she would make a great dance partner.

 

So for months now, especially earlier, I was terrified of this happening. But like most events we fear they don't have the impact we expect. My dance partner knows the story, and knows she was there. I think she was more upset. She kept saying it was O.K. if I left. I said no way. It was tough for a bit. She said she could feel me tremble, and I've never done that. But by the end I was myself.

 

I feel a little mixed this morning. Still relieved, but a little sad. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's just the finality of it all. Even though what's finished never really was, and it wasn't very valuable, it still is an ending.

 

Nice to see you again catfeeder. I always appreciate your wise words.

[Sportster2005]

Where was I?

 

So we were dancing around the dance floor. As the night went on, I became more comfortable. I pretty much ignored her. After a while the only misgiving I had was not being able to ever dance with her. There was a period when we were moving one partner to the left, to get experience dancing with different people. She was four to the left. We only did three though before going back to our regular partner. That would have been interesting if I had to dance with her. lol, awkward. Actually my plan was just to introduce myself, and grin and bare it for thirty seconds.

 

We did an exercise where they cut the room in half and we have to dance and not bump into each other. We almost bumped into them. For the most part she completely ignored me, and I reciprocated. I figured I started the evening with an attempt to be social and courteous. I felt I fulfilled my obligation to be decent, and let bygones be bygones. I'm not mad at her. Never have been. Maybe she sensed some coolness from me. But how is one supposed to act after our last chat. I wasn't rude or hostile. But I was aloof. Heck, she just cornered me and accused me of being mad for being dumped, and spreading rumors. Then she basically said I looked sick. I don't think I could hide my annoyance by then. I didn't offer anything in the conversation. She just turned and said "Well O.K, then". But seriously what was she expecting. Not even "how have you been?" before launching her interrogation. Anyways, I made a sincere effort to mend fences last night. The high road was taken.

 

The class finished, I went to refill my water bottle. I came back in the studio. She had just finished talking to DB. He's the other guy she dated. The one who was actually spreading the rumors about her drinking. My dance partner filled me in. Apparently he approached her, she gave him a big hug and wished him well. When she walked by our eyes made very brief contact. Then when we were standing around my dance partner wanted to confirm that it was indeed her DB was talking about previously. It was. I wasn't surprised. The woman who laughed at LO earlier commented that she couldn't believe he would date LO. A lot of drama. He gets hugged after spreading malicious rumors, I get the cold shoulder. Just funny. I'm tempted to fill her in. But maybe she'll figure it out on her own. Maybe that's why she's hostile? Thinks I'm still the guilty party? I don't care. Just a little. I don't want a bad reputation unfairly earned. But I doubt she wants people to know I tried to date her. For whatever reason.

 

The second class started. It was 102, so her and her bf couldn't be there. But she lingered quite a while in the waiting room adjacent the studio. Maybe she wanted her bf to see what the cha-cha looked like???

 

I'm actually kind of happy for her. She strikes me as someone who is desperate to be loved. And maybe she's found it. She talked about coming to classes when I was trying to date her. But for this guy she is actually doing it. She must be fairly serious about him. Maybe he's just a friend? I doubt it.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night. It was hard to get back to sleep. I wasn't feeling bad. But it was too much emotional stimulus for one day. I'm thinking about her a bit today. I would love to dance with her. Maybe some day. Maybe not. She doesn't seem to treat men well. I don't know why they are so nice to her. I'm not suggesting being mean. But really DB accepting a hug. She dumped her ex's stuff at the studio when she kicked him out, and they are still fairly close. I don't think I'm vindictive or mean. But she sent some nasty mixed signals knowing how much I liked her. It was game playing. And her ongoing hostility. I think I like things the way they are. Every Tuesday she can pretend not to know me, and I will reciprocate, and I will find a gf/dance partner some day.

 

I felt very confident near the end. I was dancing fantastically, and I looked good, and felt good. If she doesn't want me, there's nothing I can do. I really think her rejection of me worked out better for me. All is good.

[reinventmyself]

The bloom appears to be falling off the rose.

One step at a time, the spell continues to break.

 

I can't help but wonder if this has anything to do with her any longer.

 

Clearly she's not someone you would want to be with, if you had the chance. At least not the real LO

Maybe the imaginary one, the one you place on that pedestal.

 

I think what you are seeing is the two aren't really in alignment with each other.

 

I do know sometimes when things don't work out for me, I am not proud to say but it's often true -

Even though I know this person isn't the one, but I just wanted them to want me.

As if that gives me value in some way and by them not wanted me, it takes something away.

 

I challenge myself to see it differently.

 

Besides, if this is the case, why would you give her that much power?

Clearly she doesn't have her sh*t together yet she somehow defines you if you let her?

 

It's more than likely that it has nothing to do with you and for whatever reason you aren't meant to know.

Maybe it's time to let this go.

[Sportster2005]

The bloom appears to be falling off the rose.

One step at a time, the spell continues to break.

 

I can't help but wonder if this has anything to do with her any longer.

 

Clearly she's not someone you would want to be with, if you had the chance. At least not the real LO

Maybe the imaginary one, the one you place on that pedestal.

 

I think what you are seeing is the two aren't really in alignment with each other.

 

I do know sometimes when things don't work out for me, I am not proud to say but it's often true -

Even though I know this person isn't the one, but I just wanted them to want me.

As if that gives me value in some way and by them not wanted me, it takes something away.

 

I challenge myself to see it differently.

 

Besides, if this is the case, why would you give her that much power?

Clearly she doesn't have her sh*t together yet she somehow defines you if you let her?

 

It's more than likely that it has nothing to do with you and for whatever reason you aren't meant to know.

Maybe it's time to let this go.

 

Truth.

 

A lot of it is just wanting to be wanted by her. I feel like I'm an a see-saw. One minute I'm fine. I achieved what I have desired. I can dance very well now. And I'm in phenomenal shape. I knew one day I would be dancing in the same room she was dancing in. Last night it happened. I was feeling good. I made a goal and achieved it. I've made myself as attractive as I think I can to her. If she's still not interested, it kind of doesn't matter. It's hard to explain. It's sort of like, Hey I'm awesome, if you don't get it I can't help you. I think you're really missing out. And then of course it switches to, what's wrong with me. Then I go back to , there's nothing wrong with me. At the end of the day it doesn't matter. For some reason she just didn't feel it for me. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do. I just have to accept it.

 

I struggle with the acceptance. Deep down, it feels so unresolved. But that's my baggage. I tend to believe things that simply aren't there. I just have to keep telling myself she doesn't give a flying Fk. She's bringing a boyfriend to class so he can learn to dance. LOL what rational human being could twist that into something positive. And partly I just keep hoping that one of these days one of these things will turn into a happy ending. I hear stories of people that eventually come around. Things kind of are off and on, and then they work out. Someone has second thoughts.... I've seen and heard it happen. I guess I am just frustrated. Going on ten years now. Only one real relationship in all that time. It seems when women are done with me, they're really done. Never a second look.

 

Power. It's often involuntary. I thought I did O.K. last night. I stayed in a room and enjoyed myself while she waltzed around with another man. I think that took great power and restraint. As bad as she is, it wasn't nice to see her in someone else's arms.

 

I don't think any of this is about me. I'm nothing in her life. Her hostility is probably just indifference. The fact I was there last night was irrelevant to her. And I guess, so it should be. I've pined all these months, but didn't do anything about it. She reached out in December, I ignored her. She probably just thinks I'm a bit of a dik. She tried to be friendly and I ignored her.

 

It's lonnnnnggggggg past the time to let this go. I was almost there. But just seeing her again these last couple of weeks just kind of causes me to think about her again. And even though I didn't find her very attractive last night, that doesn't completely kill everything. There's just something about her. The appeal of chemistry makes me stupid. Part of me would do anything in the world to be able to kiss her again. A kiss has never in my life felt like the way she makes me feel. And that's just kind of sad. I don't want to date her. I can move on for the most part. But I can't escape the reality on how good it felt to be with her. Regardless of what she's like. She's the opposite of "good on paper". She has many things wrong. But she has chemistry and sex appeal to spare. I guess it's like men. Some men just have it. Whatever it is. And so do women. And she's one of them.

 

No she isn't the one. But I do want her to want me. And I try not to engage in too much fantasy, but I wish she was the one, and I was the one. But down here on Earth where reality reigns supreme. It's simple, and I just have to keep it simple. She just isn't into me. And I have to accept it. Most of me does. It's just, well, dang, hasn't anyone else been crazy about the wrong person??

 

Seeing her every week at dance class is going to be interesting. I think things will get better. She's not the women she was in the summer. Because the woman in the summer was mostly imagined. That and even I have my limitations.

 

Want her to want me, and a case of having what I can't have, with a mix of lust and infatuation. And a smidgen of genuinely liking her. She is a fascinating and wonderful woman on some levels. I just loved being around her. And it makes it almost impossible for me to want to date. I'm at peace not wanting to date.

[Sportster2005]

Age appropriate gym girl was there yesterday. She was sitting on one of the massage chairs. She had her faced buried in her phone, with thumbs a flying. Big old smile. She looked up when I walked by. I smiled, she went back to looking at her phone so fast she almost broke her neck.

 

Age inappropriate girl was there also. We don't pay any attention to one another. I hope she's age inappropriate. Imagine my disappointment if I found out she was in her 40s and just looked young, and was smiling at me to get my attention. I'll say hello to her someday, strike up a convo. Just not a priority.

[journeynow]

Age appropriate gym girl was there yesterday. She was sitting on one of the massage chairs. She had her faced buried in her phone, with thumbs a flying. Big old smile. She looked up when I walked by. I smiled, she went back to looking at her phone so fast she almost broke her neck.

 

Age inappropriate girl was there also. We don't pay any attention to one another. I hope she's age inappropriate. Imagine my disappointment if I found out she was in her 40s and just looked young, and was smiling at me to get my attention. I'll say hello to her someday, strike up a convo. Just not a priority.

 

Sounds like you're prowling, Sportster. (I'm not a part of the dating game, so just observing remotely.) My suggestion: Women, tune in to women, and pass on the girls.

[Sportster2005]

Sounds like you're prowling, Sportster. (I'm not a part of the dating game, so just observing remotely.) My suggestion: Women, tune in to women, and pass on the girls.

 

I tend to stay in my age group. I seem to end up dating very independent women. It is nice then when a woman lets her inner girl out to play