The Tale of One Interest

[IAmFCA]

Love this post. Totally get it. I applaud you.

[Sportster2005]

Love this post. Totally get it. I applaud you.

 

Thank you

 

I feel good today. No thinking hangover.

 

I feel an urge to communicate something to her. The final act. The epilogue. There's no doubt left in my mind this is dead. I don't want to leave any in hers. It probably already is. But I'm concerned about my clarity.

 

"Hi, surprised to hear from you. I took an honest shot, it didn't work out. I bowed out gracefully. I wish you the best. There's no need to contact me any further, for any reason."

 

I have nothing to lose, and further peace to gain.

 

But it's not an important issue. I spent all of 1% of my cycles thinkin of it today. And half of that was writing this entry.

 

On another note. I did send a quick message to MD. She responded with a bit of chit chat. I responded with even more. Nothing flirty. She read it. I might hear back, I may not. Same pattern as before. As long as she wants to chat, that's cool. And if she doesn't that's cool. Given our history, and where I'm at right now, I'm not going to give any chase at all. Not without crystal clear interest from her.

 

CC - She has 'Single' on her FB status. Another break up with the BF. I'm sure if I talked to her, she would say she really means it this time. I'm sorry gals, that gets really tiring. What is it with some women? (men?). I have a friend at work who told me her friend finally left her boyfriend. I asked if it was the same one she 'finally' left six years ago when I met her at a party. Yeah, it was. And she left him a couple of times before that. I have a friend, same thing. Always going on about the bf. Claims this is really the last time. O.K a little off topic. The only thing that really annoys me about CC is she will simply not answer me when I ask her out. I even specify it doesn't have to be a date. But she chooses silence. Yeah, I'm kind of done with her.

 

LD has become one of my closest, if not closest friends.

 

MD, LD, and CC. The original cast of this journal.

[catfeeder]

I feel an urge to communicate something to her. The final act. The epilogue. There's no doubt left in my mind this is dead. I don't want to leave any in hers. It probably already is. But I'm concerned about my clarity.

 

"Hi, surprised to hear from you. I took an honest shot, it didn't work out. I bowed out gracefully. I wish you the best. There's no need to contact me any further, for any reason."

 

I have nothing to lose, and further peace to gain.

 

Nah, I would not unless she contacts you again. Too out of left field. Sort of like running up to someone on the street who isn't even walking in your direction to tell them that you don't want to speak to them. Whaaa?

 

You'll only see it that way AFTER you send the message, and then you'll feel awkward about your paths crossing again--that's not exactly 'peace'.

 

I'd skip that. You're doing fine, and peace requires nothing more than a decision.

 

Head high, and thumbs up.

[Sportster2005]

Nah, I would not unless she contacts you again. Too out of left field. Sort of like running up to someone on the street who isn't even walking in your direction to tell them that you don't want to speak to them. Whaaa?

 

You'll only see it that way AFTER you send the message, and then you'll feel awkward about your paths crossing again--that's not exactly 'peace'.

 

I'd skip that. You're doing fine, and peace requires nothing more than a decision.

 

Head high, and thumbs up.

 

Good idea. Not responding to someone is usually more effective than saying anything. If there's some confusion, I can always address it later. Like you say, if she contacts me again. I do find it a little ironic, her message to me seemed a little out of left field.

 

Thanks catfeeder.

[Sportster2005]

I've never seen gym girl again. Maybe she goes to another gym most of the time.

 

Still thinking I'm going to wait until April before dipping my toe in the online waters.

 

Don't know if I'll call FA. The problem is, as I get involved in a new community I don't want to be 'that' guy. I've been careful with running. Mostly staying away from dating them. Except MD of course. So it's kind of odd. I meet tons of available women through activities, but don't feel comfortable dating them, because I don't want to poison the well.

 

Everyday I'm happier I didn't reply to LO.

[IAmFCA]

I'm the same way, S. I like my dating world to be in a sort of silo unless I feel super comfy. How you managed the dynamics with dance - a big achievement, if only privately so.

 

Slush and I share a specific community and we struggle, obviously. With what, who knows, maybe just ourselves. Maybe he will kill it for me, as I am practically hurtling us to a choice. Yet I waiver. We have women friends in common, our kids are in classes together, his exW and I have friends in common. Acquaintances, really, people with a lot of information and less discretion. There would be no shortage of opinions. In that light, if either of us have any intentions at all, we still couldn't possibly go slow enough.

___

 

Anyway, its a good bet Gym Girl will come around in January.

[IAmFCA]

Checking in. How was your holiday?

[Jean-Luc]

Nah, I would not unless she contacts you again. Too out of left field. Sort of like running up to someone on the street who isn't even walking in your direction to tell them that you don't want to speak to them. Whaaa?

 

You'll only see it that way AFTER you send the message, and then you'll feel awkward about your paths crossing again--that's not exactly 'peace'.

 

I'd skip that. You're doing fine, and peace requires nothing more than a decision.

 

Head high, and thumbs up.

 

I had this more or less happen to me on Facebook. Tried talking about school and stuff with this girl who I hadn't had the courage to go up and speak to and she accepts my message request just to tell me to stop messaging her. I felt like at the time that it was kind of like going up to someone who had been trying to speak to you just to tell them to stop talking to you. Very weird and hateful, and I haven't looked back since.

 

Suffice to say I agree with the approach of moving on unless she comes to him. Anything he does besides that will just make him look bad at this point.

[Sportster2005]

I had this more or less happen to me on Facebook. Tried talking about school and stuff with this girl who I hadn't had the courage to go up and speak to and she accepts my message request just to tell me to stop messaging her. I felt like at the time that it was kind of like going up to someone who had been trying to speak to you just to tell them to stop talking to you. Very weird and hateful, and I haven't looked back since.

 

Suffice to say I agree with the approach of moving on unless she comes to him. Anything he does besides that will just make him look bad at this point.

 

Excellent reinforcement. I am glad I didn't, even more so now.

[Sportster2005]

Checking in. How was your holiday?

 

It was peaceful for the most part. a couple of surprises.

 

My dance partner gave me a present. When I opened it there was a letter in a sealed envelope. That made me a bit nervous. She has been making 'want more than friends' noises. It was a very sweet letter. She managed to express some things without crossing the line. I think we'll be able to keep our relationship as it is for now. I hope she doesn't become to fond of me. I'm hoping her interest is only minimal. I've been clear, so I hope things work out.

 

MD sent me a Snapchat Christmas Eve. She included her daughter in it. I don't to put too much weight on it. I do find it encouraging though. I don't think a communication on Christmas Eve is trivial. She was thinking of me on an important night. Still taking my time, wait and see.

 

Spent Christmas day evening with LD. I get to see a woman's perspective of online dating unfiltered and uncensored with LD. I find educational and fascinating.

 

I'm off this week. I've thought of dropping in on LO. Instead of wondering how I will react when I bump into her, I will take the initiative and have the issue dealt with. I suspect it will be cordial. Maybe a little nice. We will come to peaceful terms. And that's why I won't go. Because the sinister, deeper sub-plot is to start communicating again and see where it goes. I've given this idea very little thought. I do find it amusing though.

[IAmFCA]

I feel as if something is around the corner for you. Maybe not a romance, maybe an enlightening, some new pathway. Something opens up. Can you feel that?

[Sportster2005]

I feel as if something is around the corner for you. Maybe not a romance, maybe an enlightening, some new pathway. Something opens up. Can you feel that?

 

I think I'm at the zenith of it now.

 

I started 2016 looking for the love of my love. At the end I found it. Turns out, it was me all along.

 

I had to reach the nadir of emotional frustration to climb back up. But when I did the above became crystal clear. Romance isn't dead to me, it's no longer an important requirement.

[IAmFCA]

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

 

Yes x a million yesses

[Sportster2005]

LJ messaged me this morning. Wondering if I decided on NYE plans. I was a bit surprised. I thought she had made other plans. I don't want to commit to any plans. I have a few options. I just might stay home.

 

I asked if she was still on POF. She said she was, but not very active. Said she was moving in the Spring. I was oddly disappointed. Even though I will never follow through and make a move, I think I would miss her. And miss the opportunity I won't take. I've always been conflicted. I like her. She's very attractive. We just aren't a match. I can't see it. But I sort of can. I think she would be a very loyal and loving person to be with. But we have nothing in common. In short I would be bored. She would be perfect for taking to diner, snuggling on the couch. That would be about it. Maybe hiking. I don't like this conflict. And I'm getting ahead of myself. She may not be interested anyways. Though I doubt it.

 

It makes me wonder if there are women around me that feel the same way. On the cusp, but unsure. What if I did make a move. Could we make a go of it, without a lot of compatibilities. And maybe if we have a couple of dates we'll just agree to leave well enough alone? ? And with the exception of dancing most of my pursuits don't involve other. Is can run on my own, go to the gym on my own.

 

I guess if there is doubt, err on the side of safety.

[Sportster2005]

Curiosity is one of my best, and simultaneously worse attributes.

 

I was hanging out with LD yesterday. Normally the conversation drifts to dating and relationships. She told a story that reminded me of LO. I told LD one of the frustrating things about the whole thing is that my curiosity will never be satiated. I feel like an obsessed detective reviewing a cold case. Going over the same old clues. Seeing if there was anything missed at the crime scene. What was the motive. I know none of it matters. It's difficult not to set my curiosity drag me back in. It' also a feeling of hopelessness. There is no action I can take to find out. And yes, most observers are quick to point out, the simple explanation is almost always the correct one. But I've never experienced such dramatic and severe flakiness, which is reason enough to put the file away and lock it up forever.

[Sportster2005]

Why can't I meet someone with the personality of LD and the looks of LO, and it be reciprocated. I was out with LD tonight. We get along so well. I'm not into her, she's not into me. But we have fun. I got(am) drunk. It happens once maybe once every two years. Had so much fun with her.

 

Trying not to drunk text/message/email LO. Seriously, what is wrong with me. I could do so much better.

 

MD didn't show up for the race today. Not surprising. A lot of people don't show up. I sent her a SnapChat a little while ago. I'm secretly cheering that this might go somewhere.

[IAmFCA]

Lets focus the topic. Tell us more about MD.

[IAmFCA]

Did you make it through okay?

[Sportster2005]

Did you make it through okay?

Oh yeah, doing fine. Just a tad tired Will be responding soon.

[IAmFCA]

 

 

I was just trying to throw you a line. Carry on!

[Sportster2005]

Lets focus the topic. Tell us more about MD.

 

 

 

She's the second one on the list. Haven't heard anything. Might say hello later in the week.

[Sportster2005]

I knew sooner or later our worlds would collide. Tonight they did. I didn't expect it. It was bizarre.

 

She was in a dance class in the studio next to us. I occasionally watch the more advanced classes. Inspiration. I looked through the glass door, and bam, instant eye contact. It was LO. I went the rest of my class just looking at her very briefly. I couldn't believe how unattractive she looked to me now. Anyways, I didn't want to talk to her. After our class I used the washroom and read some email. I was staying for another class. I came out and she was still there. I decided just to go outside. I walked behind her. I didn't think she saw me. Out of my periphery, I saw her turn her shoulder as I walked behind her.

 

I was making no effort to talk to her. I thought she would take a hint. If she did, of course I would be polite. I stepped outside. Not very long later the doors open and out she strolls. She called my name, I said hello. I was expecting the "why are you being cold" talk. To which I had a polite answer. But I wasn't prepared for what she said next. In short, some girl from the studio was calling her an alcoholic, and it got back to her. She then said, she was wondering if it was me, because I was mad, because she said no to me.

 

I was floored. This is a 55 year old woman, that went out of her way, to talk to someone who didn't want to talk to her, and this is the conversation she comes up with???? I calmly, and politely replied, "I wasn't mad", "I don't talk about you". She then went to say "It's not true, so I don't why someone would say it". By this point I was just in awe.

 

I have lost about twenty pounds since I seen her. I had twenty pounds to lose. I look good. I've never received so many compliments. I've toned up a lot also. She asked me if I was sick. I said no, I'm fine. She then asked me if I was sure. Asked me if I was O.K, that I had lost so much weight. I said again, no I'm quite well. And then she turned and said "well O.K. then", and then turned and left.

 

I should give her the benefit of a doubt? She saw me there and thought out of the blue maybe I was the one spreading rumors. Maybe she didn't think of it before, because she didn't know I was still dancing? Did she really thing I was mad enough to engage in infantile behaviour??? I never once reacted mad to her. Ever. She's never seen me mad. The day she basically blew me off, I made it crystal clear I was not upset. My exact words were "I'm not upset, you can't help how you feel, no problem". Now six months later I'm angry and spreading rumors???? Seriously, am I missing something. Is this some kind of game, or is she just bay chit crazy????

 

The weight thing. Maybe it just caught her off guard. But I'm far from skinny. By BMI standard I'm still considered overweight. I'm not trying to brag here, but I'm a muscular guy, and looking good. I was well dressed also. Yeah, it really doesn't matter. She's the only one I've bumped into that hasn't 'wow you look great'. I find it hard to believe she was being empathetic???

 

Her tone seemed odd. The whole conversation seemed odd. I'm trying to take it at face value. But she seemed to stress I was mad because she said no to me. I don't think she likes the idea I just walked away. She doesn't know how much I think about her. But from her perspective since she said no, I stopped all contact with her. There were a couple of vague texts from her, that I replied to, and got my hopes up. But since then I've made no effort to contact her.

 

The suspicious me seems like it's some kind of payback for not returning her FB message early in December. She went from "Hoping your doing O.K" to "You're mad because I sad no, and you look sick".

 

I don't know what she is really thinking. But it doesn't matter. It was inappropriate and just struck me as weird.

 

I feel free now. I knew we would bump into each other. I handled it well. I was left with the impression, she's just not a quality woman, at all. Her looks are fading fast. She looks a lot worse since the summer. She's put some weight on actually. Something I know she can't be happy with. She prides herself on her looks and shape.

 

Nothing left to see here. Any lingering attraction was killed tonight. I don't care if we bump into each other. I still won't approach her. If she talks to me I'll answer. Just like I did tonight. If she's friendly, I'll be indifferent. I did find her very insensitive tonight, or maybe I'm just sensitive. Either way, who wants to keep being reminded they were rejected.

 

I find it hard to say something nice about her now. I don't even think I would even have sex with her.

[IAmFCA]

In short, yay.

 

A tad longer: her view of the world is skewed such that she presumes to be the center of all of it. Remarkable.

[catfeeder]

I don't know what she is really thinking.

 

That's easy: she's thinking of herself.

 

That even comes out sideways in her snide remark about your health. She feels pudgy, so she needs to reach for a put down of someone else's improvement.

 

You're right, no quality there. I'm actually glad for you that she did this--you dodged a bullet.

 

Head high, and I hope that 2017 becomes your best year ever.

[Sportster2005]

In short, yay.

 

A tad longer: her view of the world is skewed such that she presumes to be the center of all of it. Remarkable.

 

 

That's easy: she's thinking of herself.

 

That even comes out sideways in her snide remark about your health. She feels pudgy, so she needs to reach for a put down of someone else's improvement.

 

You're right, no quality there. I'm actually glad for you that she did this--you dodged a bullet.

 

Head high, and I hope that 2017 becomes your best year ever.

 

Thanks

 

My immediate concern now is to put it into perspective. This situation has caused me to come to some false conclusions in my life, and about my life. I was doing very well before her contact early in December, and again last night.

 

I have made a concrete list on what I need to do to break this pattern I find myself in. Simply I chase the wrong women, and I don't give up until long after I should have. I wasn't actively chasing her anymore. But I never really gave up the dream that maybe she would be back. A lot of it boils down to infatuation, plain and simple. Not being more disciplined, and not enforcing boundaries, and having low standards.

 

I still feel some disappointment. Not because of her. Because once again I struggled so hard with disappointment and perceived failure. When she gave me her "can't date anyone right now" speech, that's the last I ever should have talked to her. I shouldn't have let her texts screw with my head. LOL I guess in short I should have went no contact. I had the answer all along.

 

I'm actually thinking of dipping my toe back into the dating scene again. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. I'm pretty skilled by now.

 

I usually come here when I'm feeling stressed. It probably leaves the impression I'm more miserable than I really am. Think I'll start righting positive things. There are a lot of them.