The Tale of One Interest

[IAmFCA]

You are on a good path

 

The manipulation: presuming the likes are an occurrence of you paying attention to her - in her mind the world pays attention to her. Thanking you for being attentive when you weren't - now you are wrapped into that attentive world that she lives in. Creates a role for you to play that you didn't ask for. All under the veil of exchamging niceties.

 

The physical draw... yeah i get it. Slush could cut wood with his lats. At 50-whatever. I try to say, So? Not easy.

[Sportster2005]

Part of me fears it could work out.

[IAmFCA]

... for a time...

[Larkin]

Forcing someone else to reject us so that we can move on, because the anxiety over whether they remain a possibility is too much.

 

Wow, that line REALLY struck a chord with me!

[IAmFCA]

Wow, that line REALLY struck a chord with me!

Right? At some point i started thinking about how we always do what we want to do. Eventually, i figured out sometimes, we just need to feel safe more than anything else. And that's okay.

[Sportster2005]

... for a time...

 

Maybe that's all I need. Maybe that's all I want?

 

I wish I knew what her intentions were.

 

I remember sitting in a pub with two friends. One of them was very distraught. It was the day after Valentine's day. Her boyfriend left her two days ago. I initially felt very bad for. By the end of the night, I was almost envious. I reasoned that to get to a broken heart, you first have to have a relationship. Someone has to love you, and you have to love them.

 

I can keep the happy single life for as long as I want. But I won't earn a broken heart. And I think at my age it's fantasy to think of finding someone for the rest of your life. A lot of people don't date because they are afraid of heart break. What if you just accepted it as a cost of doing business?

 

Let me tell a different story about LO. I get to write about her and how I perceive what has happened. I do so with bias. It's my story, I'm under no obligation to tell a different viewpoint. Well, there's also the fact I don't know her side of the story. I know very little of it.

 

Here is a just a snippet from the story. We are on our first date. I'm terrified. I know if I ever end up with her, and it doesn't work out, I'll be devastated. A bit crazy based on a first date. But that's how I felt. And the horrible insecurity. I was wondering what she was doing there. I almost stood up and said "Look, I don't know what your game is, but women like you, don't date guys like me". I was just going to smile and leave. But I didn't. I thought I would go the entire date. Then I could understand what it felt like to be a guy that dated beautiful women. We ended up at her house. She wanted to show me her farm. It was spontaneous and fun. I loved that she had a farm.

 

We kissed good night. I said I would love to see you again, she said she would love to see me again. She wanted to see me the next evening. I said I was busy. I had another meet. I didn't want to, but I already agreed to it. I reasoned you're supposed to date and meet many women. I didn't want to get off my game plan. So I turned her down. We agreed on Saturday. This was a Wednesday. Even though I had secured a date I drove away thinking it was never going to happen. It was too good to be true. I told myself it was nice to have at least gone on a date with a woman like her.

 

I went on the meet the next night. It sucked.

 

I didn't contact LO for Saturday. I wanted to go out on top. I spent Saturday night in the lounge we met having a few drinks.

 

She wasn't too impressed. But I recovered.

 

I'm too tired to write more.

 

Even if LO is sincerely just trying to reach out and maybe has second thoughts, I won't bite. I'm too frightened, and I'm too insecure. She is eccentric, maybe a little flaky. But if I told more of the story, the truth is I would play saboteur one minute, then try to fix my mess the next. Near the end I was just getting needy I think. Well there wasn't an end, there wasn't a start. Just a few dates, some texting.

 

And after her I realized I probably should never date. So I made myself a happy single. But as I write this, I'm thinking about her again. I want her. It's mostly fear preventing me. Making her the villain allows me to hide behind fear and insecurity. And maybe she was just saying hi. I can never read these things. But my gut thinks she isn't sure she wants to be done with me just yet.

 

I'm going to bed. I'm not proofreading, figure it out.

[IAmFCA]

Totally got it.

 

When you decide you can date whomever you like, when you no longer her validation, then you have my permission to date her. From her perspective, as you know, you made a vague plan and then blew her off. You sound like slush! Well, not of late but last year. Except I don't think he is afraid of me; I guess I really don't know and don't care. If he can't walk with me in a reliable fashion he is wasting my time and my energy. And that conclusion is what I want to spare you from earning, in your interaction with LO. Wait until you find a way to believe in your value and to know if you go out and then break up, it is not a reflection of your value, not even then.

 

I feel for you Sportster.

[reinventmyself]

For all those times we advocate walking away and never looking back, I think there are occasions it calls for another 'look see'

 

Sometimes we just get stuck.

 

It seems counterintuitive to go back and play on the freeway, but if you have what it takes and think you can be resiliant, then do it.

 

If you can handle it and the worst thing you walk away with is closure, then it's something to consider.

 

Sometimes it's all it takes to break the spell.

 

But don't do it if the cost out weighs the benefit.

 

Only you know for sure. . .

 

(I totally see I'm projecting me own experience here, but whatthehe** It may very well apply to you)

[Larkin]

(I totally see I'm projecting me own experience here, but whatthehe** It may very well apply to you)

 

Yeah, I totally noticed what you did there. lol

[Sportster2005]

Who am I kidding. I'm going to respond. I don't know what tone, or content yet. I should approach it in exactly the opposite way I normally would. I already have. I'm taking my time. I'm not really obsessed about it. I have some other things on my mind that require my attention right now. When some of those things get cleared, I'll respond.

 

I'm not worried about taking my time.

[journeynow]

Maybe that's all I need. Maybe that's all I want?

 

I wish I knew what her intentions were.

... But if I told more of the story, the truth is I would play saboteur one minute, then try to fix my mess the next. Near the end I was just getting needy I think.

 

… Making her the villain allows me to hide behind fear and insecurity. And maybe she was just saying hi. I can never read these things. But my gut thinks she isn't sure she wants to be done with me just yet.

 

I'm commenting merely as an observer….

 

And the above snippets stand out and say a lot to me about the whole picture.

 

What do you need?

 

What do you want?

 

What are your intentions?

 

Can you answer these and keep the answers in mind to guide you and gauge the situations you are in? Might that be a better use of your energy than trying to conjecture her intentions? How can you ever really know another's intentions, even when they tell you what they are? Watch their actions and see if they align with what you need, want, and your own intentions. If your intentions are to second guess and sabotage and feel needy, that is one thing. If you have something else in mind, then that is another thing. Of course, you are human and in the middle of this path, figuring it out as you go. (My comments are just thoughts, perhaps they have more to do with me than anything else, so take with a grain of salt. Or a beer.)

[IAmFCA]

JN is on to a key point here.

 

OTOH she plays a tough game by giving ambiguous signals

 

You will need to navigate without oversteering and to do that you will need to detach from having an end goal. Have only a process goal.

[Sportster2005]

I received some news yesterday and today that has relieved some major stressors in my life. I feel like I'm back in charge. I've been anxious of late, focused on these issues. Now I can turn my attention back to normal day to day living. I've also regained my focus and much of my happiness that was being suppressed.

 

What I'm going to do is what I said I was going to do a few posts back. I'm staying the course. I'm adamant that I will not entertain dating unless I come across an exceptional woman. And she will have to make it clearly known what she wants and know what she wants. LO doesn't fully qualify. I am not going to speculate or make assumptions on her intentions. She simply acted friendly. Saw that I liked her posts, and said thank you and hoped I was well. There is no game here, nothing to read into. If she's interested she will have to do better. If she's not I would prefer she would just remain silent. If I see her around I will be friendly. But there's no reason to reach out to me. She knows how I feel, and she should know any contact maybe misconstrued as interest.

 

I will not revisit this decision.

 

Frankly I'm a little angry. I feel the same anger I felt back in July. She said she didn't want to date anyone, I said I wasn't interested in being friends. She then started texting me the week after.

"It will be nice to see you again".... "we have to practice dancing together". .. of course I was initially elated and excited. But that turned to anger. She knew how I felt. She should have known how that would sound to someone who was really into her. And perhaps the problem is all mine for reading into it, as I have done with this recent communication. I'm not angry at her. Like I said, this could just be her being friendly. I can't stay angry at me. I am the way I am. I wish I wouldn't react this way. But I do.

 

I will probably see her at the dance in about a week. I will be friendly, but not a friend. I'm dreading it less. I feel confident. I'm convinced more and more she really screwed up.

 

Time to turn the channel. This show is over.

[journeynow]

Good to hear you are feeling back on track.

 

Please note, though, that you said " I will be friendly, but not a friend" and that may have been what she was doing when she texted "It will be nice to see you again".... "we have to practice dancing together". Do you see that possibility? She may define that as being friendly, nothing more. (Oh, you actually did say that she simply acted friendly. But then "She should…" You are flip flopping on this?)

 

 

" I am not going to speculate or make assumptions on her intentions. She simply acted friendly. Saw that I liked her posts, and said thank you and hoped I was well. There is no game here, nothing to read into." Good, I agree with avoiding speculation or making assumptions as to her intentions or reading into things. AND that would apply to this as well (i.e. don't do this): " But there's no reason to reach out to me. She knows how I feel, and she should know any contact maybe misconstrued as interest…. She should have known how that would sound to someone who was really into her…." Well, you can if you want, but I think that just might trigger frustration and anger. Maybe that's useful for propelling you forward? I don't know...

[Sportster2005]

(Oh, you actually did say that she simply acted friendly. But then "She should…" You are flip flopping on this?)

 

Yes. And I will continue to. I will try not to. I can spend hours arguing both sides. It's not intentional. All I can do that is intentional is decide how to behave. And the best course of action is to do nothing. At the end of the day I try to step back and ask myself how would I advise someone in my situation. And I would tell someone to move on, and not take the bait. If it is indeed bait. I can see no upside to contacting her. No realistic upside. There is the fantasy, the false hope, the voice deep inside screaming and hoping it's more.

 

LO just doesn't represent another disappointment. To me it's the death of romance. I don't believe in it anymore, and I have no hope. I also can't fight the conclusion, I'm just not good with women. My strength is initial attraction. I'm never without a date. But then nothing. I have some ideas what I lack. But I don't care anymore. It's not important to me. I love women, and I will continue to be close friends with them. But my dreams died with LO. It's really not as maudlin as it sounds. I think a lot of people get to an age and wish for nothing more than peace and acceptance. I'm tired of the struggle, when it comes to women. I don't have anymore disappointment to give. It's all gone.

[journeynow]

I think I understand. I do that, too, try to understand things from both sides. I think I need to in order to understand (and/or learn), but I can get stuck in a cycle of it, and it can drain my energy. I suspect it might be healthier for me if I can just be clear about myself vs. their actions (the outer reality, not evaluating or interpreting or feeling for their inner reality). It might be that I have given up on romance, too, or am not capable of it anymore, but for different reasons. I don't think it is maudlin, and am happy with peace and acceptance. Any advice I give is advice I would likely give to myself, and I hopefully gain self-knowledge in the process.

 

I have a several female friends in their 60's or 70's (not sure exactly) who were happily living their lives with peace and acceptance and not looking for romance at all, and, shazzam, they surprised themselves by meeting someone special, and each have been with those partners since and seem quite happy. So, yeah, it happens, romance can bloom again, sometimes out of the blue.

[IAmFCA]

Um, I think you're in a good place, Sport. A place that forces the ground to shift.

 

Letting go of a construct about attraction, the idea of what is and isn't romantic, letting go of LO as a representative of all of that. Depressing, emptying... it leaves a vacuum.

 

Thats the exciting part. For later.

[reinventmyself]

You were considering the possibility of dating again at some future time.

LO pops back up and you relive the disappointment all over again and now have slammed to door to the idea of dating.

Please don't let LO have that much power. She doesn't deserve it

[Sportster2005]

You were considering the possibility of dating again at some future time.

LO pops back up and you relive the disappointment all over again and now have slammed to door to the idea of dating.

Please don't let LO have that much power. She doesn't deserve it

 

I also relived how wonderful it felt not to want to date. Stress in my life was drawing me back into dating. Falling back into bad habits. LO is a reminder of why I shouldn't date, or pursue relationships. I'm not so sure it's about power.

 

It's been exactly about a week since she messaged me. I've been Jeckyll and Hyde all week. Dr. Jeckyll reads her message and somewhat reluctantly accepts it's nothing. She was, for some reason, just saying hello. She just feels since we went on a few dates, but it never went beyond that, she still wants to maintain some friendly link. Maybe she would really like to be friends. Maybe she realizes are worlds will collide again through dancing, and this is her way of saying I hope there's no bad feelings. For whatever reason though it's a harmless message. She's thinking it's been months since we chatted, for sure I possibly wouldn't mind an hello. And I'm thinking, why would she do that? She knows how crazy I was over her.

 

Dr. Hyde reads the message and thinks something entirely different. He remembers conversations we had. He remembers one night laying on her bed with her and whispering in her ear. "I was crazy from the moment I say you". He remembers how she quivered under him. He remembers how he confidently walked away she announced she couldn't date anyone at the moment. He refused an offer of friendship. He confidently whispered in her ear "I'm not worried, this isn't over, you'll be back." The next week she was texting him. Offers to go dancing. Offers to practice together. Dancing is something intimate to her. Almost like sex. Dr. Hyde knows she didn't just say hello. There's more. It's an invitation to reciprocate. See where things go. And in her message is her duality, she so often exhibits. She's terrified. "Hope you're doing well". Showing concern, inviting response with a question disguised as a statement. But she doesn't want to be vulnerable. So in the next part of the message she plays it safe and friendly. She also self explains the excuse she's using to contact him. "Thanks for all the likes on the dance page". And it's a message that plays to my Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.

 

Actually she's playing the same roles. One minute seemingly wanting to be involved. "You're cute, a great kisser, I like that you live close, I like that you would want to be part of this." The tone was positive, uplifting. It lacked the nervousness and anxiety that accompanies a let down. But in the next breath she's another person, on to another track. Wondering why we are both single so late in life. We're on her bad getting hot and heavy. She mentions how she prefers testing over using condoms. I offer, it's been a while. I tell her I don't want to be presumptuous, but there's no downside to getting it done. Then she immediately backtracks. Says she was just saying any man she ends up with needs to be tested. Giving what we were just doing, and the context of her comment, it strikes me odd. She demonstrated this several times. It doesn't strike me as mixed signals. More of a split personality. One confident of moving forward, another terrified of changing the status quo. She even warned me early about this behavior.

 

Ultimately I feel and fear we are an awful lot alike. This week I went between ignoring her, and even maybe blocking her, and contacting her in a very romantic way. And yes if I did contact her it should be very measured and simple. But that's not the way Jeckyll and Hyde work.

 

The point is Jeckyll and Hyde were the same insane person. If I don't think of LO, I can't drive myself insane. And the way to do that is simply going back to what has been making me happy. That is not dating. Not wanting a relationship. I run, I dance, I lift weights. I get lighter, stronger and faster. I feel better and more happy.

 

LO's contact last week made me wobble. But like I said earlier. I'm not contacting her. That decision won't be changed. And the only I will entertain dating is if it is an amazing woman, and she makes herself clear, and quite frankly does most of the work.

 

I should add I'm always wrong when I look at these things positively. Logically I can't conclude that every single time I make a judgement call I will be wrong. But I've been wrong so many times I would be foolish to ignore my poor track record. But at the same time I'm haunted by a story about a friend. She was really digging this guy. He disappeared. He sent her a text out of the blue. Just kind of vague. I told her not to bother with him. She ignored my advice. They're engaged, been together four or five years now.

 

It's Sunday night. I'm drained and exhausted about this time. I just wish she would leave me alone. I don't want to be friendly or a friend. I made it clear. Just honor my wish and leave me the f alone. Why is that so hard !!!!

[Sportster2005]

MD and I exchange the odd Snapchat. I don't where she's at. What I liked about by experience with MD, is that I chose her. It was flirting, pursuit, dating 101. Oddly things work best when I let her come to me. The last time we went on a date (Spring 2015) we were running again out of the same location. She's very good at flirting, and it makes it easy to ask her out. I find it odd that when I'm not overly interested anymore I don't mind women flying in and out of my orbit. It's the same as CC. I'm not sure what CC's intentions were this Spring. Because I was only mildly interested, I didn't care much. It was sort of like, date me, don't date me. You'll come around, or you won't. I might talk to MD on FB.

 

LJ poked me on Facebook. Dang she's beautiful. She's kind of fun also. But she's the type that needs to be in a relationship. She goes from one to another without taking a breath. I also remember when she was dating. When we all got together, her and her boyfriend were joined at the hip. She needs lots of attention. I think she would be a very loving and loyal girlfriend, with off the charts sex. But I always hesitate to go beyond friends. It really is a case of lots of attraction, but little compatibility.

 

My dance partner signaled she's O.K. with us being just friends, but she would entertain talking about more. I re-iterated I'm not interesting in dating. Even if I was I don't see her that way We also discussed the eventuality that she is not always going to be my dance partner. Which is kind of a relief. We have different goals. She wants to do it more casually. I want to compete. My problem will be finding a dancer of similar skill that wants to dance seriously. Most competitive couples have been partners for years. And most are couples.

 

I think my problem going forward is I'm happy being single, but I love women. I love their company, I love intimacy, and deep down I want to love someone before I die. I observe and habitually still chase women to some degree. Be it a flirtatious look at the gym, trying to determine if JN (a runner) is just being really friendly or flirty.

[IAmFCA]

That last paragraph is me, too. Ambiguously complimented the cutie at the burger shop who is half my age. He asked for my number. I assumed he was joking. For sure i wanted him to know i thought he was somethin.

 

"Stronger. Lighter. Faster."

 

You are the ish. Just keep rollin like you are, S.

[Sportster2005]

I'll probably see LO tonight at the dance. I was dreading it. Today, not so much. I think enough time has passed. I think her feeble attempt at contact two weeks ago helped. I'm sure there will be pangs of desire and lust. But so what? The rational voice inside me seems to be having more influence over me lately. As alluring as she is, she would make a lousy partner. I would be settling and giving into a sometimes poorly controlled lustful side of me, if I dated her.

[IAmFCA]

Im rooting for you

[Sportster2005]

Im rooting for you

 

Thanks ITIC

[Sportster2005]

LD invited me to dinner at her place tonight. It was great, we hadn't talked in a couple of months. It was good. I left her place feeling I was back on course. The course that takes me far from the shore. Out in the middle of nowhere. The place where I've been finding peace.

 

Maybe it was all the talk about dating. Her dating, not mine. I realized how much I don't miss it. It reminded me how little I gain when I expend so much effort. As she thrashes around in emotional turmoil, I happily sail along, blown off course, only slightly. She was also intent on exorcising the multi-headed demon named LO that refuses to leave. And I think she was very successful. The guy she is seeing now has dealt with LO. He had a very low opinion of her. And he has no horse in this race at all. LD and her bf are unanimous in their dislike of her, and their negative assessment. And after viewing the evidence, it looks like I've just been a sucker for a pretty face. LO knows how to press the levers, play the game.

 

I'm a little happy in retrospect how I've handled this. At least how I handled LO. Despite my incredible, and mystifying attraction for her, I did the right thing. She blew me off. I shrugged and walked away. She tried to drag me back into her orbit. And initially I was excited. Walking away easily seemed to get her attention. I dropped off the papers. I was gone. Never contacted her after that.

 

Two weeks ago she contacted me. I faltered. Sent me into a bit of panic. Same pattern as above. Initial excitement. Then took control of myself.

 

Lost it again this weekend. Friday I was bored and searching POF. I don't have an account. I put the max age at 54. LO is 55. That way I can avoid her profile. But I thought it's getting silly. I can't avoid this forever. And I should just stop being such a knob. Take my power back. Take back control. If I see her profile, so what? Yeah, it was a major disappointment. Way past time to move on. So I did. But if I saw her profile, if she had one, I wouldn't view it. Just keep going.

 

There was this real attractive woman. She was in a pirate costume. It was playful, and from what I could tell she looked good. And she was an upgraded member. So I clicked on it. It was the first profile I clicked on after changing the age restriction. And guess who it was. Yup. So I figured I might as well read it. It was frustrating. One, it's probably the best written profile on POF. Two, it confirmed her scarcity. Three, after reading it, it just seems like we are a great match. But, I guess the chemistry isn't there. Or whatever..... It kind of sucked seeing her again. Even if it was just digitally. And the dance was in a few hours. Good chance I would see her there.

 

She never attended the dance.

 

Saturday evening I went to the staff Xmas party. On the way home I dropped into the bar across the street where the Salsa group was having a Christmas dance. I was still dressed pretty sharp. I wanted to watch. I've been taking a Salsa dance class, along with my other ones. This bar was the last place I physically saw LO. And it was the same group. I wanted to watch these people dance, I didn't want to see her. But f it, I was going.

 

She wasn't there. A woman I went on a couple of dates years ago was. I knew she was a dancer back then. I had less interest in dancing back then. I sat close to the dance floor to observe. Me and FA bumped into each over the years. Always polite. Always kind of liked her. She just came on too strong when I met her years ago. Tonight she was in a bright red sexy dress. She looked good. She's exotic. Dark, latin looking, but she's from the Middle East. We eventually chatted. I told her about my Salsa class. She dragged me onto the dance floor. It was a bit nerve racking. I'm simply not that good yet at Salsa. It was fun.

 

She introduced me to the group. They were very friendly. Then it was time for a group photo. I didn't feel like I belonged. I had only been informally part of the group for about half an hour. But they insisted I get in the photo. It was kind of fun. I was sitting in the front with FA on my left, and some other beauty to my right. It was fun, and I felt good. I was dressed up looking good, dancing and having fun, and now sitting between two very nice and attractive women. I think my smile would probably say it all. I couldn't help but think LO will probably see it on FB. She probably won't care. But people are funny sometimes. I kind of don't care.

 

I enjoyed seeing FA and dancing with her. She made her interest very, very clear. She's confident. I asked for her number. I don't know if I want to date yet. But I want to see FA again. She went out of her way to welcome me into the group. Who knows?

 

I think the combination of last night and talking with LD tonight helped get my head screwed back on. I don't feel that whiny, boo hoo, feeling. I don't like to feel it. And I haven't been a lot lately. I can't see LO getting too deep inside my head anymore. Well, it's not her, it's me. Regardless, I sense a permanent change in the wind.

 

I feel sad for LO. When we chatted in May her profile was sparse. Not much effort put into it. Her recent one she paid for. Lots and lots of photos. She wrote probably the best profile I've ever seen. And I've read thousands. It was sincere, bright, and very positive. She seems to be very, very serious. Maybe she was in a bad place when we met. Maybe I was a rebound. Maybe I was a distraction. Maybe I blew it. I was insecure and flaky myself. I couldn't handle such a crush.

 

I think she does have a manipulative side. She has gotten very far on her looks, and her sexuality. I think men do stupid things for her, including me. She's self centered and impulsive. I think she's mean and insensitive to some degree, though maybe not intentionally. I also see a talented, passionate, intelligent and very independent woman. She's funny, engaging, educated, romantic. She uses people. She takes advantage of men. I was, I think. Probably why she lost some interest.

 

Most of all, I saw woman who was very insecure, and very vulnerable. A woman who really wanted to be loved and cherished. A woman with a very stormy history with men. She told me the story of the love of her life. She had to leave because of alcohol. She never found that love again. There were moments when I felt close, connected to her. Other times she was distant and aloof.

 

I'm left with the impression like a lot of us she just wants to be loved. And I think she would be an amazing woman to be in love with. I find it hard to reconcile her nasty side with rest of her. But I don't have to. I have to move on. There's something about her. What makes me sad, is it probably just came down to lack of chemistry. I lacked that oomph she desired. Other than that, I think she found what she was looking for. I guess if she felt it, her struggle and search would be over. I think she would have a man that would cherish her and appreciate her on so many levels. I've made a lot out of her looks. She leads with them. But it didn't take me long to realize her looks are almost irrelevant. Something seems unfinished. But I can't do anything about it.

 

As I write the final chapter on her. She's been one of the biggest influences on me. I'm a very different man now than when I met her. I'm a much better man. A more confident man. It's not all there yet. But I'm finally going in the right direction. I've never looked better, or felt better. I didn't do it for her. She didn't cause this. But she was a catalyst. Our worlds won't collide anymore. I'll see her. It will be pleasant.

 

She broke me. I fixed me. I needed to be fixed. I'm grateful to her. I'm sad, it will never be. Not just sad for me. I think she made a poor choice. Good bye LO. You will always be special to me.