The Tale of One Interest

[reinventmyself]

This post almost made me cry. Emotional for sure.

I can't form the exact words at the moment, but thank you. I know what I need to do now.

I am so good at telling others to put all that valuable energy into yourself.

I think I am pretty good at it. But apparently not.

[IAmFCA]

Yes yes yes yes till i run out of breath. Sportster, imagine me among the winds at your back helping blow you forward.

[Sportster2005]

This post almost made me cry. Emotional for sure.

I can't form the exact words at the moment, but thank you. I know what I need to do now.

I am so good at telling others to put all that valuable energy into yourself.

I think I am pretty good at it. But apparently not.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to make you cry

 

You may not be good at it now. But every effort will get you closer. Once the momentum shifts, it will get easier. Time for some healthy selfishness.

[Sportster2005]

Yes yes yes yes till i run out of breath. Sportster, imagine me among the winds at your back helping blow you forward.

 

Thanks sweetie

[IAmFCA]

Thanks sweetie

 

My pleasure darlin!

[Sportster2005]

I went out Thursday night. I met LJ in a bar. Her thing is to sit at the bar and listen to bands. I wasn't going to go. I was paged for work. By the time I would finish it would be late. But she texted me, wondered if I was coming. We had no formal agreement to meet. She saw on FB I was interested in the same event, and messaged me the day before. I said I might drop in. I didn't think she was going alone.

 

My work finished quicker than I thought. So I went.

 

We have been in each other's social circle for some time. For most of that time she has been in a relationship. She's very attractive. Very. And in a group she can be fun. She seems sweet. I've thought of asking her out a few times. But I don't think we click, at all.

 

We sat at the bar. Very close to one another. I faced her, she faced the band. One good thing about a loud place is you have a built in excuse to touch someone on the shoulder and lean into their space to talk. If you were watching, I'm pretty sure it would look like two people interested in one another. I think we are, just not enough. At least I'm not. When she was with her boyfriend they were attached at the hip. It was crazy. It was actually annoying. Whenever they joined the group, they insisted on sitting together. Not my thing. And we have been out before, just the two of us. Never on a date. We've never said 'just friends'. I guess it doesn't matter. I can't see myself dating her.

 

This night was kind of typical. We talked, but soon ran out of things to talk about. I made her laugh a couple of times. I did find myself wondering what it would be like to kiss her. She was stunning looking. And by kiss I mean kiss and take to bed. And I just don't mean sexually. I wondered if it would also be dreamy and romantic. She does strike me as a bit of a romantic. I thought of just asking if she would like to go out sometime. I like her, and she's very attractive. Maybe if we got to know each other better, conversation might flow better. But as the evening wore on, I became less interested. There was less flirting, I started to become bored. She just can't maintain my interest. And maybe I can't maintain her's. And there's the issue of compatibility. There's none. She's my age. She works and goes to bars. She works odd hours. I work days, and am out doing something every evening. Our lives couldn't even match up.

 

And really when I thought about pursuing or dating at all, it just died. It just made no sense. And I regretted coming out that night. I knew I would be tired the next day. I had things to do. I was O.K. having one club soda and listening to one set. But I should have left after that. But I felt it might be rude. And besides before I arrived some creepy guy was hitting on her. He still hit on her when I was there, but I served as a buffer. He would just stagger by and slur how he thought she was so beautiful. She didn't mind too much. But I was sure if I left...anyways, I did leave. Not as soon as I would of liked. Then I was reminded if this was a date, or if I was in an RL, I would be obligated to stay. I liked the freedom of just leaving. Even if it was tool late.

 

There is a waitress there though. LOD. She rides a Harley. She's gorgeous. Kind of young. I don't have the confidence to pursue her. Although I've been feeling more confident lately, I think part of being confident is realizing your limits. No matter how good I get at boxing, I don't think I can beat Mike Tyson. That's not lack of confidence, that's smart. But whenever I'm there I can't keep my eyes off of her. And it's more than looks. She's always dancing and singing while she's working. When I actually go to that club I get depressed. It's that feeling of wanting so badly, but knowing you'll never have it.

 

She has been very friendly to me in the past. Our group was there one evening. She walked up behind me and put her two hands on my shoulders. My friend beside me, actually it was LJ, said I think she likes you. I of course dismissed it. Servers are always friendly. But she seemed to be just a little bit more. I of course always completely ignore her when I'm there. I used to make a lot of eye contact with her. She usually reciprocated. And then I stopped. Since I will never have the confidence to pursue it, why bother. So I more or less just ignore her. And she ignores me. Well I don't think she ignores me. She just doesn't pay any more, or any less attention to me as any other customer.

 

But it was interesting to go out. Nothing has really changed. It was a diversion. A chance to spend a little time with a very hot woman. It did stroke my ego a bit. And I was able to see LOD again. It was a combination of excitement and self loathing.

[Sportster2005]

Well I didn't see that coming. This journal was started when I had three potential interests. They have all gone by the wayside. MD was the one I was most interested in. She was also the most emotionally unavailable and frustrating. Oct 2015 we were chatting quite frequently on FB. I would ask her from time to time. She wouldn't respond, or respond with a quip. Until she unfriended me on FB. Which I thought odd. I sent her an email, said no problem. Unequal interest never turns out well. Never heard from her again.

 

I checked my phone about a half hour ago. She has added me on Snapchat. I can't help but wonder if it was done in error. I'm not a big user of Snapchat. Don't know a lot about it. I suspect it goes through the contacts on her phone and makes suggestions. Maybe she accepted the defaults without looking? Odd, very odd. Maybe this is her way of saying 'hello'. Not sure how to proceed. Will probably just ignore it. Maybe she feels ready again to try dating. Her daughters are young adults, she doesn't have to spend too much time with them. Maybe I'll add her back and see if she sends a chat. I'm mixed. I really, really, liked her.

[missmarple]

Maybe I'll add her back and see if she sends a chat. I'm mixed. I really, really, liked her.

 

Well, no harm in adding her back and see what this is about (if it wasn't done in error).

[catfeeder]

Well, no harm in adding her back and see what this is about (if it wasn't done in error).

 

I agree. Curiosity could pay off, and her disinterest at the time may have had more to do with timing than any kind of dislike toward you.

 

I think you're aware of your habit of internalizing things whenever someone doesn't align with you. That's natural to a degree, but it helps to develop alternative ways of thinking that can roll you out of harm's way.

 

One mental trick helps me depersonalize dating misses. I think of masses of people carrying around puzzle pieces, trying to match them with someone else's. Most of the time they don't fit. There doesn't need to be a hurtful reason for that.

 

It may be possible to cross paths with the same person again and test whether either or both people now hold different pieces. The same odds still apply--they're either a good fit, or they're not. It's a level playing field. Nobody's carrying anything 'better' or 'worse' than anyone else, we're all just unique, and our desires and degrees of complexity are different.

 

Head high.

[Sportster2005]

Well, no harm in adding her back and see what this is about (if it wasn't done in error).

I added her. She sent me a snap. I sent one back after a few hours. I was at work. She viewed it.

 

I agree. Curiosity could pay off, and her disinterest at the time may have had more to do with timing than any kind of dislike toward you.

 

I think you're aware of your habit of internalizing things whenever someone doesn't align with you. That's natural to a degree, but it helps to develop alternative ways of thinking that can roll you out of harm's way.

 

One mental trick helps me depersonalize dating misses. I think of masses of people carrying around puzzle pieces, trying to match them with someone else's. Most of the time they don't fit. There doesn't need to be a hurtful reason for that.

 

It may be possible to cross paths with the same person again and test whether either or both people now hold different pieces. The same odds still apply--they're either a good fit, or they're not. It's a level playing field. Nobody's carrying anything 'better' or 'worse' than anyone else, we're all just unique, and our desires and degrees of complexity are different.

 

Head high.

 

I don't want to analyze or think about it anymore. I don't internalize, I don't do anything. I think about it, make a decision and move on. And the simple question I ask is, "Will this affect my happiness?" That's my mantra, that's the gold standard. And if it won't clearly make me happier without risk, I'm not interested.

 

I'm certain, and most likely correct, there was never any dislike toward me. On the contrary. That's one of the reasons I found MD so frustrating.

 

I know her daughters are adults now, and don't require attention. I believe one has been married. And the last we talked, another was moving out. That leaves one maybe at home. That last one is probably 19. I don't know what else is going on her life. And I can't tell from a snapchat. Well I can also deduce I must still be on her phone. Snapchat looks in your phone's contact list to suggest friends.

 

The answer to the above question is, no. I don't see any of this making me happier. As much as I liked her, I seen no good reason to pursue this any further. She's welcome to pursue it if she wants. She will have to be straightforward and unequivocal. She will have to chase me. She will have to show high interest. No hesitation will be tolerated. My game, my rules.

 

How do I really feel? Leave me alone.

 

Back in July when LO decided to pursue an ex, I was prepared to move on. Let it play out. I declined her offer of friendship. The following week she texted me. Wanted to go dancing. When I declined, she wanted to practice together some time. "We will have to practice together". I was elated initially. Then I realized it was just gamesmanship. Keeping me in her orbit. And my elation gave way to sadness, as I realized I was being toyed with.

 

Same thing as yesterday. Only more mild. I was delighted to see the request. A little excited. But I've had time to think. I just have this "go away" feeling. I'm not revisiting this. I'm not putting myself out here anymore. I'm never going to feel disappointment again. I'm done.

 

LO broke me. I've fixed myself. Better than ever. No one is going to put the slightest crack in me, let alone break me again.

 

I've felt great lately. Up until today. Just leave me alone. That's all I ask. If you do come around, be prepared to do all the work.

 

Yup, this is where I'm staying. I've worked to hard these last couple of months.

[Sportster2005]

Maybe I'll add her as a friend on FB. Maybe if I keep expectations low, and go at a glacial pace. I'm torn between the idea of moving forward, and not turning away an opportunity. Ugh, I don't know, I'm kind of in a good place. Why mess with things?

 

LJ poked me on FB last week. Then she said we should see an act we both 'liked'. Strange place to do it.

 

I don't hear from LD any more. Maybe she has a bf. I might be avoiding her. I don't want to talk about relationships and dating. I think just talking to her will get me thinking about ..........

 

I really like friend dates. It was kind of nice hanging out with LJ a couple of weeks ago. I go out dancing often with my dancing partner. She's emotionally unavailable. I'm not available, and not really interested in her. But we get along great. The future looks murky though. I want to compete someday. I don't know if she wants to go that far. She's come this far. We've come a long way very quickly. Mostly at my insistence. The instructors tell us they are very impressed at how well we dance in such a short time. People that dance at this level and beyond tend to be couples, or people with partner that want to compete. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. The studio is putting on a Xmas dance. We are going. There's a chance LO will be there. My dance partner knows nothing of her. She knows someone broke me this summer. She doesn't know it's the ex of her favourite instructor. I think they are both competitive dance partners.

 

My post last night seems harsh. I think the pendulum may have swung too far.

 

Last Saturday I found myself very interested in a gal at the bar, me and my dance partner were dancing at. I couldn't take my eyes of her. But I don't like hitting on women when I'm with a gal pal. The gal noticed. She also noticed I was with someone, and dancing with her. And she probably thought we spend a lot of time dancing with one another. I can't read minds, but I'm smart enough to see the optics. When she was leaving, she walked by our booth. I wanted to smile and say hi. But I didn't want to be obvious about it, while talking with my pal. I managed to make some eye contact and smile. She smiled back. It was a little awkward. I suppose because she thought I was with someone. Or she just wasn't interested, and was just being polite. But I don't think so. She seemed to be intentionally looking my way as she walked back.

 

Maybe it's just my natural urge to pursue.

 

When I think about dating, it's like, when would I even get the time. If I don't plan something, Saturday afternoon is my only free time. Sunday afternoon, sort of. I run 16 - 21k Sunday morning, and have a Salsa class at 1:00. I'm usually too tired to do anything after that. I usually use this time to get the groceries and relax, and get ready for the week.

 

I'm thinking April I might dip my toe back in the water. I want to tone up some more. Lose the last wee bit of fat I have. Actually want to see my abs. Ultimately it's about cardio, strength, balance and co-ordination. I keep setting goals to keep the process going. Make it more and more habitual. There is a certain irony. I feel great, and humbly I submit, I look great. The best I have in years. Women I know have noticed. It's nice, but it's not important. I want to be the fit old guy you see on the news completing marathons...etc. And by old, I mean 70s and 80s. Start the process and habit now. And I want to dance competitively. I don't think I have the DNA to ever seriously think of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. But each year I keep getting quicker.

[Sportster2005]

Sent a friend request, meh, why not?

[reinventmyself]

My post last night seems harsh. I think the pendulum may have swung too far.

 

Exactly what I was thinking when I read it. It's understandable though. Regroup and play it by ear.

You are in a good place, so it's a win/win.

You got this!

[Sportster2005]

My post last night seems harsh. I think the pendulum may have swung too far.

 

Exactly what I was thinking when I read it. It's understandable though. Regroup and play it by ear.

You are in a good place, so it's a win/win.

You got this!

 

She accepted.

 

Don't know what to do now. I guess I don't have to do anything.

 

What do I want to do? I really don't know. I was a little excited to see her request. But my experience with women that pop up out of no where isn't very positive. I hear some positive stories. Some things eventually work out.

 

I don't think I get women very well. And certainly not dating. I tend to be clumsy and always, always over play my interest. A friend today made a good observation. She said I really don't get dating foreplay. I don't. I just want to get right to it. Which I find funny. Because with real foreplay I'm very patient and deliberate. Not braggen or nuttin, but I have that figured out, and understand it. But dating, nah, just a bull in the china shop.

 

Maybe I'll say hello. Ask how she's been. I am sincerely curious.

[IAmFCA]

I've been you. Been wanting to read updates with focus for awhile. Soon.

 

For now

 

Remind yourself that you do not need or seek her approval of you

 

And that the future will arrive on time

[Sportster2005]

I'm really finding hard to be interested. I don't know if it's just too much time has passed. Or, maybe because I really don't feel like dating. I feel like Michael Corleone. I keep trying to get out and they keep dragging me back in.

 

CC accepted my LinkedIn request. I made that months ago.

 

I think I'm just going to consider these trivial events as trivial. I don't think I'm being too harsh. It's just a matter of things appearing as they are, and not assigning any significance to them.

 

I'm forging ahead as planned. If you want my attention, work for it, and work for it very hard. I'm not analyzing or assuming hints.

 

I'm a little anxious about my upcoming dance studio Xmas dance. There's a chance LO will be there. I know what I should do, and I know how I should feel. I should just be polite and friendly if she approaches me. And I will. But I doubt I will be able to mask the internal storm she will cause. But I can't avoid this forever. And often these things are never as bad as we think they will be. It's also likely I will just shrug and wonder what all the fuss was about. Or something in between.

 

What am I going to do NYE? Prolly nuttin. It's not really a big deal for me.

[reinventmyself]

I think I'm just going to consider these trivial events as trivial. I don't think I'm being too harsh. It's just a matter of things appearing as they are, and not assigning any significance to them.

 

I'm forging ahead as planned. If you want my attention, work for it, and work for it very hard. I'm not analyzing or assuming hints.

 

They are trivial, honestly. It's the best stance to take at this time.

If they are something more then trivial, you'll know soon enough. You don't even have to do anything about it.

Carry on Sportster!

[journeynow]

Think of it as research. So that you'll know what you want and don't want, and what you have when you have it. (I hope that made sense.)

[Sportster2005]

I just went through some of my old posts. I see this pattern where rationally I know what to do, but I get stuck emotionally. It's like throwing something away you don't want anymore, then immediately regretting it. Even though you know you should not go back for it, emotionally you do. Then you torture yourself if it was the right decision. Rationally and critically, yes it was. Deep down, you have doubts. You secretly wish the outcome could change. Critically moving forward, but emotionally keeping anchors in the water when the ship is destined for better ports.

 

That's my epiphany for the night.

 

I've been noticing women more. I feel like I'm ready to date. But I don't want to date.

 

I even have a "cute girl at the gym story". I've seen her there a couple of times. Last time we kept making eye contact. i think it was pretty obvious. Then we walked past each other. Our eyes met, very comfortably. Than that one unmistakable sign of interest. The look over the shoulder to see if they're checking you out look. I looked over my shoulder to check her out, and see if she was checking me out. She was doing the same. It was pretty simultaneous.

 

I don't think the gym is good for approaching women. But like anywhere else it is a place to meet. It's real easy. I'm sure I will bump into her coming or going sometime. It can all start with an hello.

 

I've completely forgotten about MD. I was going to say "hello, how are you". But I think that well is dry. I can't believe I have virtually not interest in her. But as I've said in here countless times, someday you will wake up and wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

And it's getting there with 'She who won't be mentioned'. I'm pretty sure she will be at the studio dance party. She's been affiliated it for over a decade. And I'm not dreading it. It will likely be just mildly unpleasant, or maybe indifference. The more critically I think about her, the more I conclude she's a nut bar. A sexy alluring nut bar. But a nut bar just the same. I can't imagine her invoking much of a response.

 

I think this will be the first week since I started really working out that I won't lose weight. Which is fine. I don't have much access fat anymore. And I probably have managed to grow some muscle. It's been expensive clothes wise.

 

My dance partner hurt her back so she couldn't do Salsa class today. I don't think she cares for Salsa. All the spinning makes her dizzy.

 

When I show up for Salsa there's a couple using the studio before our class. The woman is someone I contacted months ago on Match. She never replied. After a couple of weeks I said good luck at the competition in October. She didn't even say thank you. She doesn't seem the least bit attractive in real life. I don't think it's sour grapes. I don't care about being rejected. It was the part about not saying "thank you". Really if that's all I have to complain about today, I'm doing pretty good.

 

I might start taking some time off of dancing to play guitar. It's really getting neglected.

 

How come my posts are always so damn long?

[Sportster2005]

DON'T LET ME CONTACT HER.

 

There must be something about this time of year. I think maybe people don't want to be alone during the Holidays???

 

First MD and now "she who won't be mentioned", yes LO. I feel sick to my stomach. The initial excitement followed by the inevitable reality. It's like Reinvent and I said. It's just trivial. It was a message on FB. Popped up ironically as I was thinking about her. Which isn't often these days. She said "Hope you are doing well, thanks for the likes on my page". She maintains a FB page on dancing. I haven't liked anything on there I think, in weeks?? And it's not because it's her page. It's dances I might like go to. My dance partner sees the page also. So it's sort of a reminder if I forget to mention it to her.

 

Anyways like I said in my previous post. When I think critically I know I should do nothing. But emotionally I want to respond. I want to respond with ever fiber in my soul. I can't believe how she makes me feel when I kiss her. But it's not real, it's fleeting. I don't know why she contacted me.

 

DON'T LET ME CONTACT HER.

[reinventmyself]

Step away from the computer !!

 

Someone here (much smarter than myself) stated something I use often. " think critically, not emotionally"

There is some wisdom in that, but life is a balance of both.

 

If you are here stating you know better. . then it's not a good idea.

At least not at this very minute.

 

Tomorrow may be a different story. But at this very moment nothing will change, good or bad, if you don't act on it.

So Don't!!

 

Step away and give it some thought.

[Sportster2005]

Step away from the computer !!

 

Someone here (much smarter than myself) stated something I use often. " think critically, not emotionally"

There is some wisdom in that, but life is a balance of both.

 

If you are here stating you know better. . then it's not a good idea.

At least not at this very minute.

 

Tomorrow may be a different story. But at this very moment nothing will change, good or bad, if you don't act on it.

So Don't!!

 

Step away and give it some thought.

 

Very wise words. I'm signing off, going to have my nightly peanut butter and toast and going to bed. I will think more tomorrow. Maybe there's a middle ground? Probably not.

 

Thanks

[reinventmyself]

Anytime

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes the emotional impulse to up the ante with someone we like is, in disguise, a desire to call the game.

 

Its like, i am going to reply, I am going to get involved, and then i will feel those amazing feings, and then she will drop me like a stone, and then i can be done with this. The open door will be closed.

 

Forcing someone else to reject us so that we can move on, because the anxiety over whether they remain a possibility is too much.

 

LO doesnt need to have this power over you. You give it to her. She is lust personified, because that really is where her power is and she knows it. Even as to think your FB likes are about her, and thank you for them, and now all of a sudden it is as if you gave her attention. Naturally manipulative/power move on her part.

 

Don't internalize it. Make a boundary and put her on the outside.

[Sportster2005]

Sometimes the emotional impulse to up the ante with someone we like is, in disguise, a desire to call the game.

 

Its like, i am going to reply, I am going to get involved, and then i will feel those amazing feings, and then she will drop me like a stone, and then i can be done with this. The open door will be closed.

 

Forcing someone else to reject us so that we can move on, because the anxiety over whether they remain a possibility is too much.

 

LO doesnt need to have this power over you. You give it to her. She is lust personified, because that really is where her power is and she knows it. Even as to think your FB likes are about her, and thank you for them, and now all of a sudden it is as if you gave her attention. Naturally manipulative/power move on her part.

 

Don't internalize it. Make a boundary and put her on the outside.

 

It's very unlikely I will do anything.

 

She does have power, witnessed by my reaction. But I don't think she is using that power for good. And I don't fully understand the manipulation. Usually you manipulate to achieve something. She doesn't strike me as the type who requires an ego stroke. It might be as simple as saying "Hi", as if we passed each other in the street.

 

Regardless of intention, I'm genuinely surprised. I've liked very few posts, and they've been sporadic.

 

I'll think about this some more. I am curious. But I can't give it too much effort. I have more important things to tend to. Besides I'm frightened by her now. I would never feel safe and secure around her. Making up her mind is not her strong suite. I imagine there could be some guy trying to date her now. And now it's my turn to play the role of spoiler. The guy from the past that she gets confused about, and has to re-examine her feelings for. But whatever, I just don't to go there with her. I see only pain and suffering.

 

But oh to feel those lips against mine.....sigh.....