The Tale of One Interest

[Sportster2005]

Dance lessons start tomorrow. I'm excited and frustrated. Without a partner to practice with full time I can't really develop into a good dancer. I'll also see LO's ex all the time. Which will just be a constant reminder. And I can't help but feel a little envious. Not only did he live with LO, he's dating a woman now, I tried to date a few years ago. And it's not that simple. She also rides a Harley. So she dances, doesn't smoke and rides a Harley. Hard to find.

 

Then I balance that against the fact that although I like both of these women, he dated them and I didn't, both probably aren't that great of catches. LO's problems are obvious to anyone that has been following this drama. And MC (Harley dancer girl) also has some issues. So he has the ability to attract women, but I'm not sure he has very high standards. Which I think is just as, or more important than the ability to attract. And he has some natural advantages. Tall and very masculine looking. Lantern jaw, piercing eyes. Very handsome. And of course he's a top tier dancer. Very classy guy.

 

The last couple of weeks I've tried to switch my focus from feeling sad about LO to learning the lessons from it. If I don't learn from it it's been a wasted experience.

 

The biggest lesson is I've let life and dating wear me down. I've lost my confidence, and I've let myself fall into cognitive traps and biases. When I step back and look at this I know exactly what advice I would give myself. I also know it would be hard to hear, and harder to do. But do it I must.

 

The first lesson is don't give into lust and attraction. It's a lesson I learned a long time ago. But for some reason I failed this test. For years I was able to resist her on POF. Her profile pictures were incredible. Her profile write ups were always unconventional. Something I was mixed about. I like originality and women that draw outside the lines. But her profiles spoke to someone that was maybe too different. Different in an unhealthy way. And even though she always showed me interest I always resisted.

 

The first time I saw her in real life was bizarre. It was years ago at a club. I immediately thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Not just about looks. The way she carried herself. But I was also mystified by her choice of a date. He was a well known creep at this bar and one other. My gal friends have been hit on by him. They find him very creepy and unattractive. So from day one I was mixed. What is wrong with a woman so attractive she has to stoop to guys like this? Which made me wonder was she only tying to get my attention because of desperation? Was she thinking I should be able to use my sex appeal to get this guy's attention? What about me attracted me to her?

 

She added me as a favourite back in May. I had just dated a woman for six weeks. We both concluded there was not spark between us. I just couldn't resist the appeal of LO. I wandered what it would be like to meet such an odd, but beautiful woman. The idea of sex was a strong driving factor. I let my standards down. Not standards for looks, but standards of how I demand to be treated. I made a lot of rookie mistakes. And it was all because of the low self-esteem I had been feeling at the time. I forgot what a good catch I am. It was all about her. It was about doing anything to be with her. It meant putting her on a pedestal. Being an agreeable nice guy. Letting her call the shots. Ignoring the obvious mixed signals. Anything to kiss those lips, feel her arms around me. And in fairness to me, her personality was intoxicating. I was never bored with her. And an empathetic part of me saw a tragic woman.

 

Worn down by an incredibly stressful May - July period in my life. Too personal to talk about here in my semi anonymous state. Years of repeated failures in dating. An intoxicating beautiful woman comes along and brings me to my knees.

 

Many of the stressful events have played themselves out. There are still some residual issues, and some more challenges.

 

Some day this experience with LO will be seen as a turning point. An unfortunate and sad period in my life, but a period with so much potential to learn and grow. Sometimes I feel like the student that just needed one more reminder. I needed to fall on my face and feel pain. Without those things we don't force change on ourselves.

 

One of the big priorities is to get back in shape. I don't mean good shape. I mean incredible shape. This serves several purposes. I will lose those last stubborn pounds. I want to be able to put "Athletic and Toned" on my dating profile. I want to get back some confidence that went missing. Exercising has that affect. The benefits both physical and mental are well documented, and I've experienced them. But the end results are not the important thing here. It's about the process and discipline. I need to hunker down and focus. I need to get things in order on many levels. And I need to keep myself so completely busy I won't be thinking of dating/relationships and LO. I need to practice the skill of goal setting again. I've had good success over my life with attaining goals. But at 54 I've become complacent. Complacent and frustrated. I see a lot of men around me at my age and I compare. Not a healthy thing to do, but sometimes inevitable. A lot of men and women my age are CEOs / retired/ community leaders etc. And I'm an I.T guy making just O.K money.No chance of advancement. But I don't know ultimately what to do. I do know it starts with getting disciplined and focused. And getting fit is a good way to do that.

 

I'll get back to running regularly. I won't be training for marathons. I want a more balanced approach. Maybe half marathons. But it's not important. I think for leg strength and cardio if I do 20 to 30k a week I should be good. I bought a gym membership a few days ago. I want to work on strength training. Especially core. And the dancing will give me co-ordination and balance. And I need to eat better. It's all about finding my discipline and focus. I will have some failures. I am making a lot of demands of myself. Forcing a lot of changes on myself. I expect some failure. I also expect some successes. But try I must. It's more than about dating and women. It has to be done. And the simple truth is if you keep failing at something, you have to adjust and make improvements. If I want to be successful with women, I have to be more successful in life.

 

The next time an LO comes into my life I want the confidence and self-esteem to be able to walk away at the first sign of nonsense. I knew all along what I should do. I didn't have the confidence to do it.

[thejigsup]

I've always said you can't really better yourself while you're tied to someone else. I only date when I'm at a place where I know I am satisfied to stay for awhile. When I am doing self improvement, my focus has to be on me and me only.

[tiredofvampires]

I think that a relationship is a very fertile place to grow in any and every way. Relationships are kind of an art -- they take skill to maintain and continue to nurture. We all have our baggage that we bring, and striking the balance between harmony and the right kind of tension can make two people stronger together than they were apart, because they are training eachother to be a better version of themselves.

 

However, that doesn't mean that everyone or anyone can be the right "teacher." The fit still has to be right -- and both parties have to be very self-aware to grow within the relationship rather than just fall into the knee-jerks and automatic habits. I know personally, I'm hoping that in my next relationship, we do challenge eachother to grow, and that might not always feel comfortable...but I'm being very careful to be able to discern between someone who is interested in their evolution, too, and someone who is just toxic triggers and a hot mess of unfaced and unresolved inner drama. One is constructive, the other is destructive.

 

So I don't think being ready for a relationship and still needing to grow/improve/meet personal goals are mutually exclusive. To the contrary -- if I need to be alone to improve, what does that say about how flexible and expansive the relationship is?

 

Again, this is a matter of balance...knowing when you truly aren't ready to be in a relationship and seeing that clearly, vs. feeling that you have to perfect yourself to be in one and consider yourself relationship-worthy, like a cake that's done baking.

 

So I think of self-improvement as an ongoing project, a work in progress all the time. It's good you're taking time out to strengthen yourself and shore up a sense of your worth. And to take stock of all that's happened, put it into perspective. I've gone on many "down for renovation" missions, so it's a good thing. Just as long as you're prepared for the idea that there isn't some line in the sand where you're going to suck at being a partner/date, and on the other side is you being a success at being one. You'll make mistakes throughout all of it, and the most important thing is to recognize your weaknesses and have strategies for becoming less and less prone to them.

 

I think for you, learning who you can and can't communicate effectively with is a big piece. As well as being able to effectively communicate, yourself. And, being able to suss out which are the constructive prospects and which, the destructive ones.

[youareworthy]

Very thoughtful as usual, TOV. Thank you.

[thejigsup]

I've never grown while in a relationship. Ever. I've been too busy building "US" for there to be time for a "ME". Right now in my life, I am all about ME, so I don't date.

[tiredofvampires]

That's interesting, jigsup. How we see relationships differently.

 

I think of a relationship as a 3-pronged entity -- there's YOU, there's ME, and there's US. So, two individuals, and the composite of those individuals. All 3 are changing and in flux all the time. Each has a life of its own -- the US part being in some ways the "whole that is greater than the sum of the parts" -- but all 3 are dynamic and interdependent, with independent aspects of YOU and ME playing into larger dynamic.

 

This goes for larger groups of people, too. There are the individuals and their dynamic; and the whole with its dynamic, and there is a two-way interconnectivity between the parts and the whole.

[superkatnip]

TOV, I agree with your evaluation. I know that at the beginning of a RL, I may focus on the we, but in the few healthy ones I have had, I have been able to focus on my personal growth, hopefully bringing more to the WE.

[thejigsup]

i guess everyone is different. I don't do relationships very well. I'll admit, I like things to be done the way I want them, I want to do what I want to do when I want to do them (never anything like drinking or dating others), I want to say and do what I want, when I want. I'm very nice, but I am very, very, NOT into compromising. I see all of my married friends always having to get his permission or take on things they want to do. Not for me. Not now, anyway.

[Sportster2005]

I met a woman at dance class. We danced together for three classes, then practice night.

 

We seemed to click immediately. If you were there you would mistake us for a couple. She's fun and easy to get along with. She seems very, very interested. But I only see her as a friend. It's kind of frustrating. There just isn't enough attraction there. She also stated she doesn't date. She's to afraid to get hurt again. So I guess it's a moot point. I see us continuing to be dance partners and friends. I might get her number and ask her if she wants to hang out as friends. I do enjoy her company.

 

I haven't ruled anything out. Just taking it day by day. There is some attraction.

[Sportster2005]

I was at the gym this morning. I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized I don't think there's a female version of me anywhere.

 

I just started back to the gym. I don't intend to spend a lot of time there. So I'm not really a gym rat. Not that I think the gym is a good place to meet women, it is interesting to see demographics. Almost all of the women there today were much younger. Especially around the free weights. Women closer to my age tended to be around the cardio equipment. I'm there to mostly lift weights. I want to lose the last stubborn ten to fifteen pounds, and enjoy all the health benefits of being strong. I also run, and am getting back into that after a lazy summer. This if for weight management and cardio. And I'm dancing for co-ordination and balance. And because it's fun. I've started eating better. I've had a good week. So what's my point? I'm not "health concious". I am eating better. I'm not obsessed. If I saw a profile of a woman who goes to the gym often and eats well, I'm not really a good match. I'm flexible what I do at the gym, and when I go. I don't eat health food. I eat a variety and avoid bad food. A woman who was 'health concious' would be frustrated by my laissez faire attitude toward healthy eating and my 'seat of pants' lifting routine.

 

I don't think I would appeal to the health type. I do it, but only as a means to an end.

 

Another thing I do often is ride my motorcycle. After this post I will probably hop on the Harley and go. But I'm not a biker. I've never really become immersed in the culture. I don't wear a lot of Harley Davison branded clothing. I don't wear black. I'm more or less clean shaven. I don't really fit in. The only way I fit in, is I ride a lot. I've ridden with groups and have really loved it. I've made riding acquaintances over the years. I would love to meet a woman with a Harley. Just someone to ride with. But I don't want the rest of the culture. And the overwhelming majority of women I've met with a Harely smoke. And they usually smoke pot. I really don't belong in that culture. Kind of an outside. The woman earlier in this thread rides a Harley, she also plays guitar. Two major check marks. But she smokes. Even if she was interested, I can't date a smoker.

 

I find myself not really fitting in anywhere. I have runner friends. But I don't travel with them in their groups to run races. I really don't care about the 'bling'. I enjoy running with them, most of the time. But again, I don't feel hard core. I've proven to myself I can run a marathon. But I'm not really a runner. I am in the strictest sense. I love running, but I'm not a runner.

 

And now I'm learning to dance. Probably lots of single female dancers out there. I would like to find a dance partner and compete someday. People that usually compete are couples. It's just easier to practice with someone.

 

I guess I'm wondering if having lots of interests is a help or a hindrance. I've had friends view my dating profiles. They say I might be intimidating because I have so much going on. It isn't that I expect someone to have all the same interests. It would be nice to meet a Harley riding, running, guitar playing, dancing gal. But probably not going to happen. Not so ironically the only woman I've met who has a Harley, doesn't smoke and is an accomplished dancer is dating the guy who used to live with LO.

 

A lot of things I can do myself. I can ride my bike without my partner having any interest at all. I don't want them to be able to run a marathon. Just be able to keep up on a hike or walk.

 

And my desires change. I was on vacation recently. I spent a lot of time on the bike. Naturally I dreamed of having someone to ride with. Seems unlikely, so I don't make it such a big priority. The other issue is a single woman with a Harley is going to be pursued of hundreds of guys like me.

 

I'm not sure I have a point today. Just musings and ramblings.

 

I'm not really in a place where I feel like dating. I really want to get in top shape. And try as I might I can't stop thinking of someone else. Not in a said suffering way. Hard to explain. I think part of me has internally given up. I've been frustrated in the past and taken a break. I've been sad lately. Part of me just doesn't want to risk it any more. I've grown to loath the feeling of so desperately wanting someone and not having it reciprocated. I don't care about the foolishness in dating. I almost really don't care at all about rejection. It's that horrible feeling that you just want to be someone and it's never going to happen. It's worn me down. I don't want to feel it again, EVER. Especially how I've felt it lately. And the only way to do that is just stay single.

 

I have a good ability to find myself in unrequited situations. Maybe it's my way of keeping my single and not risking a really bad heart break. But that's for the pros to debate. I know I just seem to jump from one to another. A definite pattern. Part of it is desperation. It's been almost a decade. I just want to seal the deal and get on with it. I think I scare the bejeesus out of them. Might be part of the reason LO didn't want to move forward. Might me why she wanted to keep me around. There, but not there.

 

it's a journal. It doesn't have to make sense.

[catfeeder]

A woman who was 'health concious' would be frustrated by my laissez faire attitude toward healthy eating and my 'seat of pants' lifting routine.

 

Naaah. I know plenty of 'healthy conscious' people, many of whom are instructors and trainers. One was even an Olympic coach, and another, my best friend at work, runs the 'wellness committee' and teaches spin and pound classes at night.

 

They're are ALL easily corruptible.

 

So skip the rigidity--everyone else does. There's a balance to enjoy, and even when you go off the deep end into your worst cycle of slovenly laziness, you're recoverable. One of my friends who is a strength trainer with her own studio and a discipline SHE wouldn't wish on her worst enemy has a looooong history of living with a drug addict.

 

Nobody's perfect.

 

You'd be pleased to know that most people who put such labels as 'health conscious' in their profiles aren't looking for an adonis--they just don't want a slug. Well, there's a helluva lot of real estate between those extremes. If you find yourself on a date with some woman who turns out to be drill sergeant you can laugh inside--and pass. But chances are, she's either putting on a front to live up to some stereotype that she believes YOU expect of her, or she's just plain too uptight for you anyway.

 

So consider your rejection fears a bogeyman of your own making. You can be health 'conscious' without being a health slave, and one of the healthiest things you can do is to accept yourself--without trying to figure out how to define that.

 

It's not a marketing campaign, Sportster. It's not about appealing to the masses. It's about adopting resilience as a skill so you can pluck through enough pieces of hay to find one single needle in the stack. Keep on tossing and let yourself get tossed, it's all the same. When you're too fatigued to pluck, stop plucking and rest. You don't need to justify anything, and you don't need to paste on a happy face about it. But I would suggest that you stop spinning yourself into a deeper mental hole to climb out of whenever you're discouraged. Just float. Drill into stuff that doesn't harm you rather than assigning imagined competitors to women you don't even know. (That's a consistent habit of yours, BTW.)

 

You can never win against imagined competitors, have you noticed? Since you invent them, you'll outsmart yourself into discouragement every. single. time.

 

Quit that.

 

(((HUG)))

[Sportster2005]

You're brilliant Catfeeder.

 

Unfortunately my resilience is directly proportional to my interest. I can be amazingly resilient. I dated a woman about a month ago. An attractive gal. Had a great meet. It lasted hours. We agreed we should meet again. When I contacted her I received a garden variety blow off. I had a hard time getting upset. Dance classes have started. We've talked, very civil, like nothing happened. But when I swoon for someone I have no resiliency. I don't take it too personally. I'm just disappointed. I do take it somewhat personally. I catch myself wondering what I'm lacking. I know what those areas are, I work on them, I try not to give them too much weight.

 

And after a disappointment I create a castle in the sky made from scarcity and I defend it to the death. I have quite a few threads on here where I conclude there isn't another like her. Of course it doesn't stay true for long as the next one comes along. But I am troubled with the loss of LO. And it is correct to say there is no loss because it was never mine. But it feels the same. She is scarce. Extremely rare. Not just for how she made me feel. For her spirit, for the way she lives her life. She's interesting. She refuses to be described, labelled. For good or bad, most would argue for good, she is gone.

 

I have examined, and continue to examine, something I've observed. The women I'm attracted to tend to be poor choices. The unconventional tends to be paired with other poor qualities. They seem to go hand in hand.

 

I've stopped talking about her to friends. I'm tempted to stop writing about her. But I remember it's my journal and people are free to roll their eyes.

 

I've accepted to some degree, this is just part of what makes me up. And if you could fix what's wrong with me, I fear it might break other things in me. Especially my creativity. LO has unleashed a barrage of creativity. It's what keeps me centred. The irony is without such emotion there would be no creativity. That's the short answer.

 

Now I'm in a good place. I've successfully manipulated myself. I've used LO as an excuse to improve. I don't need excuses or reasons. But I will use anything to point myself in the right direction. I'm maintaining an incredible pace. I'm running, I'm dancing, I'm back at the gym. I'm focusing on mental and emotional things. I can feel myself grow stronger, getting more confident. I don't believe in the goals sometimes. I believe in the process. I'm sure LO would like a stronger fitter leaner me. She would be interested to know that I'm becoming a competent dancer. That gets me in the gym. That gets me in the dance studio. That gets me out in the morning running long distance. It allows me to resist that bag of chips, it's the reason I don't put cream and sugar in my coffee. I imagine some point in the future when she sees me she will find herself attracted to a new me. But that's not the point. It's incidental. It likely will never happen. It's not supposed to happen. What's supposed to happen is process. It's about getting there and then maintaining it. When I train for marathons I lose the extra weight I tend to carry. But I know as soon as the marathon is over, the weight will come back on. It's simple. I don't change my calorie intake when I train. If anything it increases. So when I'm not running 200K (120 miles) a month the weight comes back. I've been trying to force myself into more balance. Less calories, more strength training. Running, but running distances I can manage. The idea being, mind and emotion follow body. I've done it before. But it needs to be habitual.

 

I'm already feeling better and looking better. The initial push may have been a woman. But the end game is a better me. That's what's important right now.

 

Even I grow tired at the repetitiveness of LO. She will haunt me forever. They all do, to some degree. They become songs, they become poems. They become letters I never send. They become the tears that roll down my face when lost in a piece of music. Take away my inability to move on easily, you might take away some of the magic that sustains me.

[youareworthy]

Beautiful post, Sportster. Speaks directly to my struggle.

[superkatnip]

This is so lovely Sportster. While I am happy, part of me wonder if anyone will ever feel this deeply about me. Makes me kind of sad.

[Sportster2005]

This is so lovely Sportster. While I am happy, part of me wonder if anyone will ever feel this deeply about me. Makes me kind of sad.

 

Thanks Katnip.

 

No matter how deeply you feel for someone, it has no currency to them, if they're not interested in you. I think this is one of the saddest facts of life I've learned over the years. And I think a mistake a lot of people make is to think it does. On the contrary. Telling someone how much you care, or demonstrating it, not only is ineffective, I think pushes them away.

 

I know when I was younger I thought, if only they knew how deeply I felt about them, it might change their mind. But it doesn't. Not without any reciprocating interest. And even if there is, it's a card you shouldn't play early.

 

I don't know if I'm unique. I find it fairly easy to find women I really like. I think I probably get way too invested too soon. Regardless, I'm sitting in a cafe today. It's raining. Normally I love rain. It's when I am at my most creative and romantic. But today I'm just sitting here wondering if I should give up. I often take breaks. I'm on one now. Something has fundamentally changed about me since my last go at this. I'm still assessing what that change is.

 

Maybe there's only so many romantic disappointments a person can take in a lifetime. And at 54 I find it harder and harder to think the benefit is worth the fuss. There's an entire zombie army out there of singles that simply have chosen to remain single. I don't know the reasons. I'm sure one of the reasons must be simply giving up. I don't see it entirely as failure. I see it as retiring. I've had a marriage. I have two boys. I've had an interesting life. I find myself enjoying my solitude more and more. I'm obsessed with fitness now. I like the healthy person I'm becoming. My schedule is full. There is no one I can imagine making time for. I don't want to give up any time in the gym. I don't want to shorten my running. And I enjoy dancing four evenings a week. Two other evenings I have my boys. Retiring from dating makes sense to me.

 

I'm starting to question if I even date out of habit. Looking for a mate, it's supposed to be what single people do? Why? I've fulfilled my obligation to the species. My family will live on, long after I'm gone. At 54 I've never really found that true love. I married because it was time to grow up. I found a good woman and married her. I loved her. But it never felt deep. I really thought this last one was it. And maybe I'm not suited for this. If I step outside of myself I realize what a silly infatuation a lot of this. But I am who I am. And if I accept it, I have to accept I may not have the capacity to know and love someone outside of infatuation. If I look at patterns before I was married, it's troubling. I so often thought I really liked someone. And then the infatuation would dissipated I was left with the task again of telling someone it isn't you, it's me. And I can say honestly it was me. I hoped as an adult I could tell and know the difference. But I'm not sure I do. For all the energy spent on this woman, whom I really don't know beyond infatuation, it's very likely I wouldn't want her long term. It would be wonderful at first. Exciting, mind blowing. Then one day I would wake up beside her and realize, oops, I did again. And I can't take the chance of getting to know her slowly. Not that it's even possible now.

 

I've managed to stay offline. Any women I meet that seem interested are told right away I'm not interested in dating or any relationship. And it's working for me. I have a great dance partner. It's not getting complicated at all. If a friends sleep with me I just shrug it off. They know what they signed up for. I listen with a combination of horror and amusement at my gal pal's dating stories. It's interesting to watch dating from the other side of the POF fence. And it's depressing. I see my competitors. Tall and ambitious. CEOs, business owners, generally ambitious confident men. For reasons beyond here I've landed in an I.T. job. It pays well. It's not exciting. And for now, and maybe forever I'm stuck. It pays the bills, and it's all I can focus on now. I was left financially devastated by a combination of factors. Some within my control, some not. It's probably my greatest strike against me. Many women in my age group are very concerned about these things. Personally I don't give much a crap about it. There's always the financial talk. It's usually at that point I can see the interest drain away from a woman's face. Even women who don't make much money at all seem to put a very high value on how well the man does. It's not all about money. More about status and ambition. The irony is my ambition and drive helped lead to the end of my marriage.

 

And I'm rambling. This was only going to be a short reply.

 

Getting back to feeling deeply. I don't know if it's rational. And as angry as I make my friends I still think about her. I'm still fond of her. I'm still sad I will never see her again. I fear she's the last woman. I'm torn between just writing it off as infatuation, and thinking there's just something about her. I sometimes think I met the one I really want to be with, and I just completely fumbled it. I couldn't mask my desperation and low self-esteem. At the end I did what I usually do. Turn myself from a prospect into a friend. The guy the women all like. But not the guy they want to be with. I don't say that with an ounce of pity or self-loathing. I'm well aware of my strengths and weaknesses with women. And the weaknesses can't be masked. And they can't be fixed any time soon. And part of me, a large part doesn't have the energy to care any more.

 

I don't feel defeated. I feel the need to retire.

 

This will be the last woman I ever feel deeply for. My mind will debate if it's an irrational infatuation, or did I find the one and just blow it. But my heart doesn't know the difference. Most of the suffering is gone. She's just a fond memory now. I'm happy with that.

[reinventmyself]

Thought provoking, Sportster.

 

Feeling at crossroads myself.

 

I have an amazing life, great kids and mulling over the notion that seeking a partner is more a result if conditioning, rather than a real need at this point in my life.

It doesn't help that I equate my life biggest disappointments are the result of relationships with men

So why?. . .

[Sportster2005]

Thought provoking, Sportster.

 

Feeling at crossroads myself.

 

I have an amazing life, great kids and mulling over the notion that seeking a partner is more a result if conditioning, rather than a real need at this point in my life.

It doesn't help that I equate my life biggest disappointments are the result of relationships with men

So why?. . .

 

I'm going to give this a lot of thought. I'll be back

[IAmFCA]

Thought provoking, Sportster.

 

Feeling at crossroads myself.

 

I have an amazing life, great kids and mulling over the notion that seeking a partner is more a result if conditioning, rather than a real need at this point in my life.

It doesn't help that I equate my life biggest disappointments are the result of relationships with men

So why?. . .

 

"I equate my life's biggest disappointments..." with my life's greatest gifts. Honestly. And my relationships with men that cost me so much... I equate with my own need for learnin' and how much force it took me to finally see some wisdom.

 

Honestly, I get the gist of this thread at this point - it ties in with all that blathering I have been doing about letting go.

 

I like your word "retire" Sportster. I want to retire from this job of wondering who will snap me up for keeps. Of making sure I have enough people around me to play with. Of having memories of my raw sexuality that are more frequent than new experiences. Yes, I can say I have an internal motivation for choosing one and sticking with him. Not a desire to do what others say is good for me.

 

I don't want to retire before the job is done. I purposely have no deadline on my assignment to myself. That said...

 

I am off line. To your point, Slush, in the book Attachment, the author demonstrates that the singles in our broad age category are more likely to be intimacy avoidant than anything else. It isn't just us. It also is the most likely outcome. Also like you, I like a man who likes me, but not the way I like him. I am at peace with that. I hardly even think of him, because he isn't relevant to my day and I have no questions to answer. There is no point in me dating seriously. The rewards are few, I have enough people around me to grab a date on the fly if I need one, and I really hate it when some poor soul feels for me like I feel for someone else.

 

I have completely let go of tomorrow. That's a lie. I have 75% let go of tomorrow. I don't know what it looks like until I get there. I am cool with that. Its neither retirement nor effort. Its like, men are in my peripheral vision.

[catfeeder]

I don't feel defeated. I feel the need to retire.

 

This will be the last woman I ever feel deeply for.

 

Ya know, Sport, there are an awful lot of people in retirement who end up working--not because they 'must,' but because once the pressure is off they discover that they really want to work.

 

I'd reverse any self-fulfilling prophecies by declaring instead, "This was the first woman I've ever felt deeply for, and this experience opened my eyes to the fact that I don't need to date by rote, and I don't need to work so hard for anyone who doesn't inspire me the way that she did."

 

Boom. Then you're free. The whole world of opportunities for new experiences remains open to you even while you break old habits and step off of the time consuming misery-go-round of reaching for any brass rings you don't really want.

 

Sometimes the best decision is to not decide. This allows you to relaaax your focus and place it instead on enjoying your life solo with an open mind to whatever life may teach you. It removes the need to cater to habits that exhaust you even while it resolves another old habit--making solid declarations of choices based on partial information.

 

Just as nobody ever imposed on us any 'rules' about dating or not dating, it makes no sense to impose the same-but-opposite set of limitations by declaring stuff that seems 'right' at the time but offers zero in terms of advantages other than to flex our decision muscles in rebellion against what we imagined to have been a societal imposition. That's bunk. That's the same self imposed limitation turned inside out to look like a security blanket, but it's the exact same mistake with a new label.

 

Think of a scale of 1 to 10, each being an extreme of any attitude or behavior. When we jump around on either end of the scale we get tired, we recognize certain mistakes and our impulse is to self-correct by jumping to the other extreme end of the scale. It's the same mistake. The most ancient of teachings in any philosophy offer a common thread that we tend to overlook: there is a wide range of real estate between any two extremes that we can explore and enjoy in a state of balance and harmony. Until we recognize that, we impose on ourselves the hardships and limits of dualistic thinking.

 

Hardline declarations can feel secure and comfortable for a moment. They're useful training devices, like dog crates. In order for them to remain training devices rather than torture cages, we must experiment with the discomfort of open doors that teach us how to operate outside of them.

 

((Big HUG))

Cat

[Sportster2005]

I'm not retiring or giving up.

 

Dating feels like someone that has died. I have grieved, I have healed. I miss them. But they're dead and not they're not coming back. Ever. And it feels good to grieve and move on. My life feels opened. I feel next to no anxiety at all.

 

I don't require, or even remotely want a woman in my life. I see no point in it. None. I have a dancing partner, I have running friends, I have friends I can talk to, I can get sex if I try hard enough. There really is nothing I want from women anymore, other than friendship.

 

My experience with LO, not LO, has set me free. I've become obsessed with my own well being. I am laser focused on my goals. I am losing weight and toning up. My running endurance and pace are improving. My dance partner and I have just been allowed to join intermediate class. I feel good about myself. Work is improving.

 

Ironically I owe a lot of it to LO. She's gone from me know. I'm remotely curious how she's doing. If she contacted me now, it would just feel awkward. If I bump into her it will be a non-occurrence. But she unleashed a lot of soul searching. A lot angst that has built up over the years. And now it's gone.

 

This last experience killed my friend dating. I will miss her. But she's gone, and life goes on. And it's better and brighter. I'm among those now that can't go back, and won't go back.

[youareworthy]

i think being in a place of not "needing" a relationship is a good one.

 

Then if you meet a compatible woman at some point, you can choose to have a relationship in a totally voluntary way, not to fix something about yourself, or to validate yourself, or to complete yourself. You can come at the situation from a position of wholeness, and then she won't be in the position to take away your wholeness if she and you part ways.

[Sportster2005]

i think being in a place of not "needing" a relationship is a good one.

 

Then if you meet a compatible woman at some point, you can choose to have a relationship in a totally voluntary way, not to fix something about yourself, or to validate yourself, or to complete yourself. You can come at the situation from a position of wholeness, and then she won't be in the position to take away your wholeness if she and you part ways.

 

I think it goes beyond that. It's not about wanting or needing. It's irrelevant.

 

With each passing day the horizon slipped further from view. And now it's gone. I don't want to go back, and I don't need to go back. I'm enjoying sailing with no destination and no company. Just open seas and the calming sounds of the waves breaking on the bow and the wind in the sails.

 

I'm not even one of those nouveau singles you see in news articles and documentaries. I don't consider myself single. I am sans status. Just a man.

[journeynow]

Just open seas and the calming sounds of the waves breaking on the bow and the wind in the sails.

 

Yes, it's life-expanding out here. Fresh air, space, at one with the elements… And the stars, oh the stars!

[Sportster2005]

Yes, it's life-expanding out here. Fresh air, space, at one with the elements… And the stars, oh the stars!

 

Love it

[Sportster2005]

LD was one of the original women I talked about in this journal.

 

I was thinking about her today. We had become good friends early in the summer. Almost best buds. There was no more romantic interest in her anymore. I guess the ultimate litmus test was, I wouldn't sleep with her, even if I could. Not just that it would have ruined a good friendship, it would just feel creepy and seemed just plain wrong.

 

No I was thinking of her because it seems I've been friend ghosted. We usually kept in touch almost daily. Then less and less. I tried to contact her a few times. She would say things like she is busy, and we need to catch up soon. But nothing but radio silence.

 

I feel slightly relieved. I very much value the time we spent together, and she is very important to me. But we stopped having fun somewhere along the way. She probably became tired of me going on endlessly about "She who won't be named". She was the only one left who patiently listened. But I suspect near the end she was nodding politely. I think it strained our friendship.

 

On this side I was listening about her dating. I didn't mind trying to help. I didn't mind listening to her concerns and using me to bounce things off of. Not initially. Then a pattern emerged. It didn't matter what I said. She would do what she wanted to do. Which is her prerogative. And I don't take it personal if she doesn't want to listen to me. I think what bothered me was watching someone I thought was very smart do really stupid things. Things that hurt her.

 

This was all happening when I was trying to get out of the vortex of dating. I didn't want to deal with it. Not my dating, not her dating, not anyone's dating. I didn't want to date anymore. And I didn't want to talk anymore about "She who won't be named". And I put thoughts into action, and stopped. I was fairly certain if I didn't talk about it, she wouldn't. But I was wrong. Wrong in an odd way.

 

When I look over this past summer, I can't express how difficult it was. Not just dating wise. There where people close to me that were arrested, people that attempted suicide, unparalleled stress at work. I was holding it together pretty well. I was adamant I wasn't going to let any of this bring me down and effect my dating. And, ironically it was my dating that brought the entire house of cards down. I crossed the Rubicon from health stress that keeps us alive, to unhealthy stress that can kill us.

 

And it was LD that was the catalyst that turn things around. She showed me a profile of a guy (JD) she was going to meet. He was quite handsome, but what struck me was how in shape he was. He was also older, but a bit. It made an impression. I wasn't in bad shape. But I could lose a few pounds and am naturally muscular. With a little work on the weights I could be much more toned. This gentleman was able to list himself convincingly as "Athletic and Toned". I am active, am in great shape. I feel I'm athletic, but I'm not athletic looking, and my tone could be better.

 

LD was a woman I failed to attract. It was interesting seeing the guys she was attracted to. Generally much better off financially than me. I can't do much about that. And usually taller than me. I can't do anything about that. They didn't strike me as particularly interesting or remarkable as far as their hobbies go. Very average. I have a bit of an edge there.

 

Getting back to not talking about "She who won't be named(SWWBN)" LD texted me and told me to call her. She was all excited. Her guy JD, knew SWWBN, and she wanted to talk about it. Given all that had happened and was happening, the last thing I wanted to talk about was SWWBN. Especially if JD and SWWBN dated. So I texted her back that this was revelation was only going to cause me bad anxiety, and I asked her never to speak of it again. She never did. Later I thought more about it, as much as I didn't want to. I reasoned, right or wrong, here's one of my competitors who potentially dated two women I was quite enthralled with, and couldn't get to date me. And quite frankly it made me mad. Not mad at anyone. Just mad. Maybe frustration is a better word. Regardless, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I look back sometimes over my life and I remember the events that caused change. Something very disruptive had to happen before that change happened. Something has to be totally broken before we actually put in effort to fix it. When something is sort of broken, but still works, we can keep on using it. But once it doesn't work at all anymore, it's time to replace or fix. And LD's mention of SWWBN was the moment you could hear my soul break.

 

The healing has begun. It started when I gave up dating. It wasn't hard. As I said earlier, it feels dead anyways. The analyzing has stopped, replaced with introspection. Since that day I've lost almost 20 pounds. I've toned up quite a bit. I'm running faster, and I'm becoming a good dancer. My goal is simple. I want to envision myself meeting SWWBN and being the best me I can be. I don't mean in the future. But if I had a time machine. I want our first meet to play out different. Ultimately it was doomed, perhaps. But my insecurity and questionable self-esteem didn't help.

 

I can't believe how different my outlook is. I like where I'm at. I still look at women. I still love them. But as I said before. It's going to take a he** of a woman to get me interested.

 

Back to them main topic. I do wonder what happened to LD. I also like her silence. I don't want to hear anymore about her dating. If she wants to go back to playing guitar together, that would be welcome. But I would steer her away from any dating talk. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear about it.

 

Another lesson lurking under all this, is the lesson we always move on. There was a time I couldn't conceive liking someone more than LD. Rationally I knew I would, emotionally always takes a bit longer.

 

I wonder if LD and SWWBN will ever know how much they influenced my life. Maybe I will tell LD, if we friend again. I will run into SWWBN some day. I'm not looking forward to it. But it's mostly just because I will find it annoying.

 

Might as well get caught up on the other two, while I think about it.

 

MD - Never heard from her again after she booted me off of Facebook. I don't think she's running much anymore. At least she's not training here anymore. I did see her running in May at the local big running event. I was just cheering the half-marathoners at the finish line, when she went running by. I think she may have seen/heard me. She didn't care, and I didn't care. I cheered at all the runners.

 

CC - Turned out to be kind of flaky. She's all over the place. I think I saw something on her Facebook that lead me to believe she's back with her ex-boyfriend. The one she swore she would never go back to. Sorry ladies it's hard to respect you when you keep going back to men that treat you like crap. Be gone CC. I did see her out on a date once over the summer. Me and SWWBN were on our first serious date, in a very nice bistro. CC and her date were the only other couple there. It was kind of funny how we pretended not to notice each other.

 

I have other next steps. They deal with finances, work and other pursuits. But my biggest priority was getting in shape. Emotional and mental always follows suit. I'm happy and optimistic. That's been missing for a while.