The Tale of One Interest

[reinventmyself]

Good for you for putting yourself out and your date sounds like a success.

I couldn't help but point and I hope you don't mind me doing so, but seeing you tripped up a little LO forecasting and kicking yourself for making assumptions, I'll point out this one you made on KM:

 

 

 

And I'm sure she wasn't free until late this afternoon because there were other coffee dates. Which doesn't bother me..

 

Can you really be sure or is this an assumption? She easily could have had a lot of laundry and errands to do that day.

Just be careful doing this. We can create all sorts of scenarios that aren't so. Much like her dating partner. You could very be right just as much as you could be mistaken.

[journeynow]

Just be careful doing this. We can create all sorts of scenarios that aren't so. Much like her dating partner. You could very be right just as much as you could be mistaken.

 

I agree with this. I think self-reflection is fine, self-understanding, learning about yourself. But speculating about others, what's going on in their heads, comparing people, I suggest abandoning those trains of thoughts. Take what YOU know, listen to your gut (but be aware if they are anxieties or emotional baggage) and act accordingly.

[Sportster2005]

I'll respond more later. Quick update for now.

 

She hid her profile again. And then unhid it again. Dafuq? Hides/unhides/hides/unhides. My interest is pretty weak and bizarre behavior weakens it. I texted her this morning, not answer. She works at home alone. I can see it was delivered. I don't expect people to drop what they are doing. But I don't see why people can't fire of a quick response. Especially if they are interested. I also like when the other party initiates.

 

Between me and you, it was a 'nice' date, but nothing spectacular. She seems like on 'online dater'. I dunnoh, not making any decision, there's no need to. But if I never hear from her again I wouldn't be to upset. It's that hiding/unhiding foolishness that is telling my gut this one is best left alone. Who is she hiding from? Not trying to make a case, but my gut doesn't feel right.

[Sportster2005]

I asked KM out today, for tomorrow evening. I've been trying to find a dancing partner to go this for weeks. She said..

 

"I've been going non-stop lately and I think I'm going to have to take some to myself for a bit" I'm not going to pursue this any further. She can contact me if she's interested.

 

And in other dancing news.... I went to a thing tonight. LO showed up. I'm not sure it's entirely coincidental. Probably didn't orchestrate it to see me. But she would have known I would likely be there. I wouldn't think she would be likely there. Even though it's dancing, it's not really a hopping spot. I was surprised. I was sitting near the dance floor. She was crossing it. She turned around to see me. She must have seen me when she came in. She gave a little wave and smile. I politely gave a little wave back.

 

She disappeared behind a big post. Just as well. I positioned myself so I couldn't see her. I looked for my waiter so I could pay for my pop and leave. She was busy, so I just paid at the bar and left.

 

What struck me was how unattractive she was. I don't know what all the fuss was. When I saw her I didn't get upset. I just didn't want to be in the same room with her. If she danced all night and didn't talk to me, I would be upset. If she came and talked to me, I would be upset, if she danced with me, I would be very,very upset. If she was meeting someone there to dance with I would be upset. I just wanted to relax and see if this was an event going to in the future. I just didn't want to have to deal with her.

 

It's likely she just went there. Gave a friendly wave, because she saw me. And really couldn't care less about anything else. That's kind of sad. As much as I liked her, she doesn't feel anything. All the fuss for nothing. But, those damn cookie crumbs she left. Especially asking me to go dance, and then saying 'we have to practice'. Not 'we should practice', or 'maybe we should practice'. But 'we have to practice'. Then showing up at a dance thing. One I'm surprised to see her at. But what do I know.

 

I'm not hurt. But I am fn curious.

[catfeeder]

I'll respond more later. Quick update for now.

 

She hid her profile again. And then unhid it again. Dafuq? Hides/unhides/hides/unhides. My interest is pretty weak and bizarre behavior weakens it. I texted her this morning, not answer. She works at home alone. I can see it was delivered. I don't expect people to drop what they are doing. But I don't see why people can't fire of a quick response. Especially if they are interested. I also like when the other party initiates.

 

Between me and you, it was a 'nice' date, but nothing spectacular. She seems like on 'online dater'. I dunnoh, not making any decision, there's no need to. But if I never hear from her again I wouldn't be to upset. It's that hiding/unhiding foolishness that is telling my gut this one is best left alone. Who is she hiding from? Not trying to make a case, but my gut doesn't feel right.

 

She may have been updating, proofing, then updating again. Well, you reached out, so I'd just wait to see whether you hear from her again.

 

Head high.

[youareworthy]

I like it when I finally get to the stage in letting go of someone when I think, "What was all the fuss? Why could I not see this or that about him?" Or "He isn't really as I understood him to be." It really helps push me further down the road of recovery.

 

KM is not the one, either, in my opinion. I agree with catfeeder that those hide/unhide things were internal to her use of her profile. Try not to read anything into it one way or another. It is about her, not you. Hey, that makes a catchy "mantra." Here it is again, in bold this time: It's about her, not you. Don't try to read anything into it.

 

Just keep your heart open, and try to turn the volume of your analytical mind down a little.

 

Youareworthy

[Sportster2005]

I like it when I finally get to the stage in letting go of someone when I think, "What was all the fuss? Why could I not see this or that about him?" Or "He isn't really as I understood him to be." It really helps push me further down the road of recovery.

 

KM is not the one, either, in my opinion. I agree with catfeeder that those hide/unhide things were internal to her use of her profile. Try not to read anything into it one way or another. It is about her, not you. Hey, that makes a catchy "mantra." Here it is again, in bold this time: It's about her, not you. Don't try to read anything into it.

 

Just keep your heart open, and try to turn the volume of your analytical mind down a little.

 

Youareworthy

 

No KM is not the one at all. Forgot all about her. I'll be seeing her in the fall when classes start again. It will be nice to see her again though. She seems pleasant enough.

 

Funny you should mention that. One of the women at the start of this thread has become one of my closest friends. LD. We were driving back from the park tonight, and she said I'm going to drive myself crazy. I think it's always been an issue with me. It's a vain attempt at problem solving. I analyze logs all day long trying to find where applications go wrong. People and emotions aren't the same.

 

And since I mentioned LD, might as well get caught up with the rest of the original three.

 

MD. I persisted, she would usually chat over FB. Sometimes initiate. Every now and then I would ask her out. One day she just unfriended me. Oh well. Haven't seen her since.

 

CC. We met earlier in the year for lunch. Half pleasure half business. She invited me to where she teaches Yoga. I went. I ask her out, she's usually sick or busy. I believe she is. It's kind of strange. Mixed signals. But I don't seem to mind. Actually they're not that mixed. She keeps in very friendly and business like. We almost went out last week. I might drop her a line about next weekend. She's one of the best women I've come across. Would love to start dating her. I don't know if she is ready yet, or just not in to me. Canada Day I saw her with her two kids and ex boyfriend. Who may be back in the picture. When I was still 'dating' LO I took her to a very classy bistro. CC was there on a date. I thought it was kind of funny. And CC is every bit as attractive as LO, and she's not crazy. I wonder if CC saw me. She must have, it was a small place.

 

That's it. I have nothing really on the horizon. Nothing, nadda. I will contact CC. I will go to Salsa Tuesday at the club. And if LO shows up I'm staying. I will just have to endure the unpleasantness of it. Even if she's there with the other guy. Sometimes we tel ourselves "their loss" to make ourselves feel better. But with each passing day, I truly believe it was LO's loss. And the other guy? Well she's his problem now. And if she comes up to me and wants to dance or chat, I will politely tell no thanks. The boundary is there, it will be enforced. I will not accept her demotion to friend zone. Actually it really is moot. I don't think she really cares either way.

[Sportster2005]

Agree with this. Sportster is just so much better than that. And I think he knows it. He just needs to continue moving forward and walking the walk. Sportster is sorta like me in the future. And I try to also "walk the walk" too.

 

I was on a date this past weekend. A random girl I picked up on the train (yeah...I did it....lol). She's a knockout...but the problem is, she blatantly knows it. She just sorta sat there with her arms folded. At one point ,she said "I can't stand guys with cats" and I responded (with a sarcastic, d*ck-ish face and delivery) "well, I guess you don't like me then!" I thought to myself "would you like some water to wash your foot down" (But I didn't say that). She then proceeded to tell me how in love she was with her career, bragged about her MBA (I have an MBA from a better school, but kept my mouth shut). If this was JohnJohn from 2 years ago, I'd have been auditioning to make her like me. This time, I just sat there, mentally rolled my eyes, had her split the bill when the time came, and just left to meet my friends afterwards like nothing. She texted me today. Won't be texting back.

 

Sportster, I think you know what I'm getting at by sharing this story

 

I was a text book doormat in a lot of ways with this woman. Sad to admit it, but admit I shall. She wasn't the arrogant type. She knew she was beautiful and took full advantage of that knowledge. When we were out she was fun, pleasant, and just a joy to be with. But she knew she could order anything of the menu and I wouldn't bat an eye. In two dates I spent close to 700 dollars. I'm not rich. But it wasn't all manipulation. I genuinely liked doing it for her. Her company and personalty are amazing. Combine that with killer looks and it's easy to forget not to put her up on some pedestal.

 

But I think she is impulsive and has bad judgment, and clearly doesn't know what she wants. When I first met her....... GA shut up Sportster. ..........

 

In a lot of ways I could do better. I can find someone who is clearly interested, not so flaky, and is more focused. But there's a lot of qualities I know I probably won't find again soon, or forever. I just loved being around this woman, for good or bad.

 

I bumped into her last week, and bolted. I'm going to try again this week, and hold my ground. I think she gets that I'm not at all interested and won't be contacting her. She needs to know that she has no power over me anymore. She does, but I have to fake it. Ironically one of my biggest fears is she will smile, dance with me, and then we will back at her place. Where she will continue her slow torture.

[Sportster2005]

Good for you for putting yourself out and your date sounds like a success.

I couldn't help but point and I hope you don't mind me doing so, but seeing you tripped up a little LO forecasting and kicking yourself for making assumptions, I'll point out this one you made on KM:

 

 

 

Can you really be sure or is this an assumption? She easily could have had a lot of laundry and errands to do that day.

Just be careful doing this. We can create all sorts of scenarios that aren't so. Much like her dating partner. You could very be right just as much as you could be mistaken.

 

Please continue to call me on my chit. I do have a bad habit driven by the cynicism of spending to many years online.

[Sportster2005]

I agree with this. I think self-reflection is fine, self-understanding, learning about yourself. But speculating about others, what's going on in their heads, comparing people, I suggest abandoning those trains of thoughts. Take what YOU know, listen to your gut (but be aware if they are anxieties or emotional baggage) and act accordingly.

 

Yup, guilty as charged.

[Sportster2005]

// There comes a point when you want to let go. But doing so means you have nothing connecting you to that person anymore. Even if that connection was only misery. This is something from my blog I wrote some time back. I almost don't want to let LO go. But it's for the best. //

 

 

Ownership

 

I own it.

I won’t give it up.

It can’t be stolen from me.

I won’t negotiate.

It can’t be manipulated from me.

You can’t take it by force.

You can’t beg for it.

You can’t buy it.

It can’t be cured away.

It can’t be cried away.

If I die before it, I will take it to my grave.

 

It’s mine, all mine. I am resolute. I am stubborn. I am dedicated.

 

I sleep with it.

I eat with it.

I run with it.

I walk with it.

I scream at the darkness with it.

I self pity with it.

I celebrate with it.

I hold it.

I drive with it.

I dream with it.

It’s with me when I wake up.

It’s with me when I go to sleep.

 

The suffering is the only, and last thing that connects me to you.

 

copywrite 2016

[Realitynut]

In two dates I spent close to 700 dollars....

Damnation! Tom never spent 70 dollars on me in 2 dates.

 

Crap...in 3 years....he hardly took me on any dates at all.....I did squeeze ONE vacation out of him. Hiking in the Upper Pennisula. One day we hardly ate the whole day...too busy looking at waterfalls. Last week I asked him if he could come in to town and take me out to eat. He said NO...he had eaten a big lunch, so wasn't going to eat. I asked if he could come into town and see me....he said no...he was going walking.

 

He ended things with me (again) 2 days later, because I cause to much drama and we always fight.

 

Hmmmm.....

 

I would feel GUILTY if a guy spent 700 bucks on me in 2 dates....maybe in a YEAR!!! Sheesh.

[superkatnip]

Wow, how did I miss that tidbit? Guess, I'm not "that kinda gal" either RN. I felt guilty verdict when my exH spent $800 on an engagement ring.

[Sportster2005]

In two dates I spent close to 700 dollars....

Damnation! Tom never spent 70 dollars on me in 2 dates.

 

Crap...in 3 years....he hardly took me on any dates at all.....I did squeeze ONE vacation out of him. Hiking in the Upper Pennisula. One day we hardly ate the whole day...too busy looking at waterfalls. Last week I asked him if he could come in to town and take me out to eat. He said NO...he had eaten a big lunch, so wasn't going to eat. I asked if he could come into town and see me....he said no...he was going walking.

 

He ended things with me (again) 2 days later, because I cause to much drama and we always fight.

 

Hmmmm.....

 

I would feel GUILTY if a guy spent 700 bucks on me in 2 dates....maybe in a YEAR!!! Sheesh.

 

I'm not that kind of guy that throws around money to impress. I don't have it for one thing The first date was accidental. We were only supposed to go to the local pub for a drink. But I remembered it was trivia night there. Too crowded. So I suggested something more spontaneous. Let's head downtown to a well known street with cafes and pubs and restaurants. There's one place I wanted to try. It looked like a place in Paris from the 20s. I didn't even think about it.

 

We went in and the server sat as at a table. She had no expectations. I asked her if she wanted to eat. We both looked at the menu. It was a bit pricey. But it was a beautiful summer night, It was a nice place, and we were having a great time. So I decided you only live once and went for it. She absolutely loved it, and appreciated it.

 

After a month of missing her over some stupid misunderstanding I texted her. I knew we had a great time dining out. So I wanted to try and recreate that awesome night. It was fun, but not like the first night we went out dining. The second time ended up being expensive because of a $100 dollar bottle of wine. I would do it again. And I will do it again. Just not any time soon. She did feel a little embarrassed after I ordered the wine, and said I didn't have to. But I wanted to. I'm not going to make it a habit, but once in a while I would like to do these kind of things.

 

I really struggle getting over her. She seemed interested, hotly so. Then I screwed up and let her be for over a month. When we re-acquainted it wasn't the same. I think I gave some other guy a window of opportunity and he took it. Then it didn't work out, then I text LO as that's ending, end up as a mini rebound. He comes back around, and boom she's gone. So many mistakes I made. My insecurities killed it. Anyways..... enough about her.

[superkatnip]

Sportster, no judgement, just wow. She should have been wowed too. Like you said, her loss and time to move on.

[journeynow]

A couple things, if it helps…it seems in the big picture of things, she's flakey and communication with her is prone to misunderstanding. It's not all on you, remember.

 

On the other hand, $700 over the first two dates would raise caution flags for me. It sounds like you felt inspired, which is fine in itself, but for the first two dates when you are getting to know each other you are not presenting your true self, nor building realistic expectations. I don't know what went on with her, but if it were me on the receiving end it would feel over the top. I might feel like I'm being bought, or that I'm not seeing the real person, or I would feel an imbalance between the two of us from the start. You can take that with a grain of salt, my views are not universal.

[Sportster2005]

A couple things, if it helps…it seems in the big picture of things, she's flakey and communication with her is prone to misunderstanding. It's not all on you, remember.

 

On the other hand, $700 over the first two dates would raise caution flags for me. It sounds like you felt inspired, which is fine in itself, but for the first two dates when you are getting to know each other you are not presenting your true self, nor building realistic expectations. I don't know what went on with her, but if it were me on the receiving end it would feel over the top. I might feel like I'm being bought, or that I'm not seeing the real person, or I would feel an imbalance between the two of us from the start. You can take that with a grain of salt, my views are not universal.

 

That is a fascinating perspective, I've never thought of.

 

I guess I can never really know what she thought of it all. The thing that haunts me a bit is the difference in the dates. The first one seemed magical. We were laughing and just having fun. She was talking about what we would do on Halloween, wanted to come see my place. She genuinely made a big fuss over how much fun she was having. Then the second outing was much more constrained. She was still having fun and seemed to enjoy it. But it wasn't the same. I'm almost convinced that the month we were apart she lost a great deal of attraction, and probably met someone else. The someone else is probably the guy she referred to in her closing speech. But who knows.

 

I'm torn. I probably dodged a bullet. But I will never know. I'm sure I'm not painting a very nice picture of her, but she has some amazing qualities. And at the end of the day, it was just small things about her, that drove me insane. It's hard for me not to get sucked into the idea of scarcity. I'm sure I will find many more suitable dates. But there was something about her that will never, never be replaced. And that makes me sad.

[Realitynut]

I know the feeling Sportster! If I went out with a guy...had a fantastic time...then he dropped the ball and I didn't see him for a month, I would have lost a LOT of attraction for the guy.

 

I was suppose to meet a guy this past Sunday. I have very few options...lol. But he was one. He told me Sunday worked out best for him. So I planned on seeing him Sunday, and had mentioned all week about the possibility of driving to this state park.

 

The day before we met, he suggested something closer. I said ok...just not morning. He said When. I said, noonish, afternoon, or eve. He then replied none of those times worked.

 

NEXT.

 

Right away I lost attraction. Funny how that works in the initial stages.

[Sportster2005]

I know the feeling Sportster! If I went out with a guy...had a fantastic time...then he dropped the ball and I didn't see him for a month, I would have lost a LOT of attraction for the guy.

 

I was suppose to meet a guy this past Sunday. I have very few options...lol. But he was one. He told me Sunday worked out best for him. So I planned on seeing him Sunday, and had mentioned all week about the possibility of driving to this state park.

 

The day before we met, he suggested something closer. I said ok...just not morning. He said When. I said, noonish, afternoon, or eve. He then replied none of those times worked.

 

NEXT.

 

Right away I lost attraction. Funny how that works in the initial stages.

 

Ugh, that's what continues to bug me. Right from the start I dropped the ball, would pick it up and drop it. At the end of day I think I sabotaged this one. I kind of knew I would. I remember the first date. I was head over heals. I thought it was too good to be true. And I thought if I get too close to this woman, losing her will devastate me. Our first date was on Wednesday. I was supposed to take her out the following Saturday. I just didn't. And then I tried to back peddle. I don't mind screwing up from time to time. I get over it. But this one is stuck on me. There's a good possibility I may just not be emotionally available. Yeah she was flaky, but I was even flakier and insecure. Probably shouldn't say that out loud......

[Realitynut]

There's a good possibility I may just not be emotionally available.

I think more people are than they realize! For various reason!

 

Most of us have our issues. It's just finding someone that we can 'tolerate' those issues...or not.

 

I always think: crap...you should be able to handle MY issues...cuz I'm handling YOURS....and yours are worse!!!! lol

[youareworthy]

There's a good possibility I may just not be emotionally available.

I think more people are than they realize! For various reason!

 

Most of us have our issues. It's just finding someone that can 'tolerate' those issues...or not.

 

I always think: crap...you should be able to handle MY issues...cuz I'm handling YOURS....and yours are worse!!!! lol

 

Sportster If you really are not emotionally available, you are in good company! I agree that most of us have our issues, and many of us, especially as we have more relationship experience under our belts, can have baggage that makes us afraid of, and even sabotage, future relationships.

 

Realitynut This quote is the bomb! "crap...you should be able to handle MY issues...cuz I'm handling YOURS....and yours are worse!!!! lol

 

Youareworthy

[Sportster2005]

I love it RN. Sounds like a good line for a song. Mind if I use it?

 

Saturday I will be going for a walk/hike with J. Someone I have been chatting with on Match. She seems interested. She is interesting and attractive.

 

I have a new rule after LO and recently KM. I'm not spend one iota of effort on women that don't show clear interest. What's the point? Some ambivalence is normal. There shouldn't be any expectations. At the same time, if a woman is only a little interested, she'll probably only stay a little interested.

 

KM is a perfect example. Great first date. Asked her on a second. Said she needed to get take a 'break for a bit'. She was friendly friendly and positive. Normally I might send her text a while later and see if she wants to go out again. But this, nah. Why bother? She has made no effort to contact me. There was no offer to reschedule. Classic blow off signs. And if she was interested but playing it cool, well that's her problem.

 

I'm on vacation next week, and the week after. I'm already struggling. Part of me wants to show up at the pub LO works. I hope she will give me some sign that she's changed her mind. But what would happen, is she would be very polite and friendly. Maybe put me back in her back pocket. And I will be O.K. with it. She cast her spell. But I won't. I have to many friends to talk me out of it. And I plan on occupying my time on vacation.

[catfeeder]

But this, nah. Why bother? She has made no effort to contact me. There was no offer to reschedule. Classic blow off signs. And if she was interested but playing it cool, well that's her problem.

 

Great. Now if you can just apply the same standard to LO, nobody would need to talk you out of anything.

 

Head high.

[Larkin]

Great. Now if you can just apply the same standard to LO, nobody would need to talk you out of anything.

 

Head high.

 

Nice catch, catfeeder!

[Sportster2005]

I don't feel like dating any more at the moment.

 

I was originally going to go on a meet tomorrow, but I would rather eat broken glass.