The Tale of One Interest

[Sportster2005]

I’ve stopped dating. Or I thought I had. I’ve definitely stopped dating online. Some things have come out of the blue. Well a couple did. I was architect of one of these ‘interests’. Maybe by writing thoughts to digital paper and getting some feedback I can hopefully make a success of one of these three possibilities. Well, really two of them. These all came about after I’ve stopped online dating.

 

Number one.

LD

 

I foolishly thought I would not get attached to this person. Whom I befriended in the hope of having a platonic girlfriend to do things with. There is simply no single men in my social circles. And men don’t make friends as easily as women. Or at least this man doesn’t. I also know she is a singer/guitar player and avid music fan like me. She is also a tri-athlete and I run marathons.

 

The problem as I see it is simple, and as old as time itself. I’m in the friendzone. Or I think I am. And I don’t want to confirm it. I don’t want to be rejected again by her. I want our friendship to just die on the vine. Maybe it’s a coward’s way out. But I don’t see any other way out. I simply don’t want to have the talk with her. I would rather clutch to and hold on to the 1% chance than have it evaporate with another “you’re so sweet, just not feeling it”. The reality is her behavior sometimes says a different thing. I won’t list the ‘signs’. She hasn’t made it %100 clear how she feels.

 

I do know when I saw she created a new online dating profile it broke my heart. Oh the irony. I do a quick search out of boredom. See if there is anyone worth creating an account for. The timing of this I keep telling myself is coincidence. It happened after a time I stopped communicating with her. Was she upset and decided to go elsewhere to look for love? Probably just coincidence. I’ve built too many castles in the sky with this one.

 

I know her well enough. She will not just let me fade. I will have to have the talk someday. For now I feel good when I put distance between us. And at times I miss her terribly. And singing and playing with her is wonderful. Perhaps too wonderful. It’s not hard to fall in love when you literally make beautiful music together. If only it was reciprocated. I have to move on, and I shall.

 

Number two.

MD

 

 

 

She has been at the top of my list for a long time. We recently started chatting a lot on Facebook. It’s a significant change in behavior. Nothing flirty. But frequent long emails. I don’t know??? I know one of her kids as moved out. I think she has much more time. I will ask her out again soon. I have to proceed with caution. She spooks easily.

 

 

Number three

CC

 

This was a woman I tried to date a couple of years ago. I let insecurity screw it up. I wasn’t in a good place. I think I was coming off the tail end of few rejections and feeling a little down.

 

I saw her online, before I quit. She’s recently single. I talked to her. She said she wasn’t ready to date but would like to keep in touch. She took my number. I then, as promised, to me, closed my account.

 

I never heard from her. I decided to add her on Facebook. Not so she would actually do it. Just wanted to get her attention. Also give her a chance to look at any of my public posts. I figured if she ever became interested I would hear from her.

 

A couple of months later she accepted my friend request. I emailed her. I said I don’t know where she is, but if she just wants to get a coffee just let me know. she didn’t respond. She has liked the odd post. Then this past weekend we were both attending an outdoor art event in this city. It’s sprawled out. The only reason I knew was she had some FB posts on it. I did also. Some photos of some of the more interesting exhibits. One of the things she likes about me is I’m an artistic guy. During the evening she sent me a message asking me to have coffee. To which I agreed. She couldn’t make it this week. But next week for sure.

 

And whose to say I want meet anyone new? I’m not dating, but I’m not dead. My attitude is no longer that of a chaser. I hope to meet someone and mutually hit it off. There is a long shot. One woman is on a running clinic I teach. We seem to really enjoy each other’s company. I have to be careful. I can’t flirt with her, it would be unprofessional. And I know she’s only nine months out of a five year relationship. And she has only shown friendliness and kindness, nothing of a flirty nature.

[missmarple]

I don't think any of these 3 cases seems promising. However, if I had to rank them from more to less promising, I'd say MD, CC, LD.

 

Which one do you like more?

[Sportster2005]

I don't think any of these 3 cases seems promising. However, if I had to rank them from more to less promising, I'd say MD, CC, LD.

 

Which one do you like more?

 

Nope, they don't. This will probably be a very short journal. You've ranked them perfectly.

 

I'm stuck on LD, but I'm really not sure why. I think it might be because I'm pretty sure I can't have her. And lots of compatibility. But at the end of the day, I really am confused how I feel about her. It could just be I really like her as a friend. Doesn't matter, I don't want to really get in over my head.

 

MD is really the one I hope pans out. I experienced a situation similar before. Someone I would bump into every few months, go on a date and they she would disappear. In 2014 I bumped into her again, and she asked me to call her. Something was different. We actually dated a few weeks. She said she wasn't ready to date before, and now she is, and she really wants a relationship. It didn't work out because I became uninterested. She is still with the man she dated after me. I think some people just need time. I think MD will come around. Granted, she may decide that when she's ready to date she may want to date many, and not just me.

 

CC I would like to have that coffee and see what's going on. On paper she is a very good catch, and we seemed to click when we first met and dated.

 

But I'm not holding out a whole lot of hope. I should remove LD entirely.

[Sportster2005]

You often hear don't pay attention to what people say, but pay attention to their behavior. And there's good reason why you hear it often. It seems to be a universal truth. And one area of behavior that deserves special attention is communication. You could break it down into verbal and non-verbal. I find it is too easy for someone to lie with both forms. If someone wants to say the right things, they will. And if someone wants to fake body language they will. It's easy to pretend you're into someone.

 

By paying attention to how they communicate, as well as what they communicate, I think you will get a more accurate picture of someone's interest. Often people mistake more communication with more interest. I think this is correct often, but not always. I think what is more important in volume is consistency. When communication falls off or becomes erratic that is significantly more telling then what they are saying. I am also am suspect when communication increases suddenly. Why more interest all of a sudden?

 

LD - Fairly consistent until a couple of weeks ago. She was away, she wanted to keep in touch while she was gone. She said she would check FB and phone throughout the day. She was four hours behind. I would send a text usually mid afternoon and not expect a reply to sometime late evening. Which seemed to work fine. On her last day there I sent her text and responded to a FB message she sent me. She never responded. Although she liked a post on my FB she never responded to the message or text. I know she was busy, but I don't buy 'too busy'. This was the first time she simply didn't respond. When she is in town and I send her a text she's pretty responsive. This change in behavior signaled, I think, disinterest. Although just friends, I would expect any friend to respond, even if it's to say they are too busy.

 

That was a Thursday. She was back in town on Friday. Saturday afternoon she went on a short trip with friends. By Tuesday she texted me late evening. "Recovering from trip, thanks for the messages while I was away". This struck me as odd. The next evening she texted me and asked me to "jam the next day". I was in bed. I texted her the next day and said I would like to but couldn't. I was going out with another group of friends and didn't want to make it a late night. We tend to jam up until midnight and I'm tired the next day. She texted me again Friday and asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told her I may drive to the valley for a coffee Saturday, and other than that I was free. I asked her if she wanted to join me. She said she would probably be too busy because she was having diner with J . J is her BFF. They have just recently started hanging out together again. One of the things LD mentioned once was her BF had abandoned her over the summer so it was nice to have a new friend, meaning me.

 

Cynically I can conclude that last February I didn't make the cut as a date, and now I think I'm being demoted as friend. It's also of value to note whenever LD has had a friend over for diner I was usually enthusiastically invited. In short, I'm distancing myself from LD.

 

CC - She communicates very little. But it is consistent. And she eventually answers all communication. I can see on FB when she reads my messages. Sometimes they go days without being read. Which is fine, she responds when she does read them. She is one person whom I'm quite confident is actually very busy. I emailed her Friday morning to wish her a good weekend. She responded late Saturday night, after a charity event her company was hosting. She said she looked very forward to talking this week. I feel certain she is at least as interested as she has been all along. I don't if this will pan out. The few times we have talked about our 'dating' of two years ago she has been consistent that she really enjoyed it, and expresses some frustration it never took off.

 

MD - Since we just started chatting no distinct pattern has emerged. So far it seems Sunday is the time I usually get a significant email from her. Last week was the first week we talked a bit through the week. If she continues to chat the timing of when to ask her out is going to be crucial. I think as she gets further away from her last relationship, and as the kids grow older and move out, she will be receptive to dating. Although she's thwarted two previous attempts at dating, she always leaves with class and is probably the most up front person I've met. As long as I'm single the door is open for her. And she knows that. She's tried to date me and has failed. She does not strike me as flaky. Just someone who is terrified to date again. And as I've said before, once she is ready, she may want to play the field. Which I think would be a good idea, although that's against my best interest.

[missmarple]

It's obvious that LD sees you as a friend.

Do you like her that much that you can't be friends with her or what? I'm a bit confused!

[Sportster2005]

It's obvious that LD sees you as a friend.

Do you like her that much that you can't be friends with her or what? I'm a bit confused!

 

Yeah that's pretty much it. There's been some mixed signals. She said once we are a modern day "When Harry met Sally". I almost blurted out, yeah and they ended up together" I fell like crap bailing on her. We make great music together, literally But at the end of the day it's causing me anxiety, and I just need to walk away. Which is kind of sad. I do enjoy her company and she really, really likes me. She has said on more than one occasion her guy friends ultimately want more from her. I think that's all the warning I need. The last guy she dated was a friend. And she destroyed him. None of it was intentional. She has a lot going for her. Emotional stability and judgement I don't think is one of them.

 

I think she knows how I feel, but she doesn't want to lose my friendship. Neither of us can have what we want. Sometimes when I'm with her I don't feel it for her, and it feels like friendship. But I think about her too much when I'm not with her. I've thought of trying to just keep going forward in the hope I would feel more platonic. Face it though, it's more likely I will only grow to like her more romantically, not less. If I get out now I won't be heart broken. Just disappointed. And a little sad.

[missmarple]

If that's how you feel, then, you should tell her you can't be her friend. The sooner you cut ties, the better..but you already know that. I'm sorry, though..it's always disappointing when people we are compatible with and are attracted to, don't see us in that way.

[Sportster2005]

If that's how you feel, then, you should tell her you can't be her friend. The sooner you cut ties, the better..but you already know that. I'm sorry, though..it's always disappointing when people we are compatible with and are attracted to, don't see us in that way.

 

Thanks missmarple I appreciate it.

[Sportster2005]

Thought I would hear form MD. Disappointing. With her I've always took the long view. I certainly don't stress about it.

 

I'm going to email CP later on this evening and set up a time to have coffee.

 

The last time I discussed feelings with LD she left me feeling good about things. I'm sure if I talk to her again she lull me into a false sense of security. I'm pretty sure she does not want our friendship to end. I think to the point where she will hold out false hope to keep me around. I think she is playing games to some extent. I've taken the nuclear option with her and just broke all contact. She's a smart girl, she'll put two and two together. She has her best friend back, and she's actively dating. The only thing she needs from me is some more guitar jamming. I'm sure there is someone out there for her to do that with.

[WithLove]

I've always seen you tell others on here - if you're interested in dating them, tell them so - don't leave it a question. So I'm confused as to why you're still talking with LD as 'friends' when you clearly still hope for something more, even when you know it won't happen. I don't think it'll be good for you to keep communicating with her.

 

I think CC sounds good, if a little distant. Why hasn't she communicated more with you?

[Sportster2005]

I've always seen you tell others on here - if you're interested in dating them, tell them so - don't leave it a question. So I'm confused as to why you're still talking with LD as 'friends' when you clearly still hope for something more, even when you know it won't happen. I don't think it'll be good for you to keep communicating with her.

 

I think CC sounds good, if a little distant. Why hasn't she communicated more with you?

 

I'm not communicating with LD anymore.

 

CC is genuinely busy. She's a small business owner and is going through a fairly serious family crisis. She contacted me this morning and wants to do coffee this Sunday.

[Sportster2005]

I never heard back from MD. The trail has gone cold. I sent her a quick message yesterday. She read it, but has not replied. She normally responds quickly to one line banter. I don't want to use the word indifferent, but it's something close to that. I guess I had low expectations given our history, so I'm not terribly disappointed.

 

CC emailed me this morning. It was fairly long and included an invite to do coffee Sunday. She would meet sooner but she has a flu. Which is rather ironic. It was two years ago in September/October we tried dating. She developed a serious cold and she had to keep breaking dates. She would think she was getting better only to get worse and cancel. This went on for about two weeks. Ultimately she was diagnosed with sinusitis and had to go on antibiotics. This put a strain on our attempts to date. We had some momentum and seemed to really like each other. This sapped the momentum.

 

She joked about it in her email. She said she took a day off work. The last time she did that was the last time we tried to date. Her tone was eager to meet and we are going to meet Sunday when she is hopefully feeling better.

 

LD is gone. I feel sad. She was very good to me, and I her. It's difficult for me to reconcile how well we got along, how much fun we had, and some of the things we shared, with the fact she sees me only as a friend.

 

Another one popped up. ME. I didn't mention her previously because I didn't think it was relevant or going anywhere. I saw her a couple of years ago in a pub. There was a blues band playing. She was photographing the band. I noticed her because like me, she is a photographer, and I often photograph bands. I also noticed she was extremely attractive. She was busy photographing and I had to go somewhere. And quite frankly I thought she was probably out of my league. I know, I know, but I'm only human. I thought that was the end of it.

 

Then a couple of days later I saw her images in my Facebook news feed. We belong to a FB group and she was posting the shots she took that day. She posted them though under her business name, not her personal name. As I looked at them one of the comments that was made a woman responded 'thank you' to the comment. So now I had a name.

 

I will not cold call someone on Facebook. I find it inappropriate. What I did do however is make comments over the months on her work. I started following her company also. When I publish albums on FB I make them public. I often wondered if she ever checked out my profile. I kind of thought it was fantasy to think she did. And I fantasized, kind of, that she would eventually like one of them.

 

Just two weeks ago that's exactly what happened. She liked two albums and one of my comments. Remember she had no way of knowing I knew her. Although I suspect she would reasonably know I figured it out. Later that evening I messaged her, thanking her for the likes, and saying I thought it was cool she's a kick *** photographer and blues fan. I also asked her how long had she been into photography. I never had back. I figured if I didn't hear from her in over a week she was just being... I don't know... Seemed crazy to approach me and then not respond. Not approach, approach, but seriously, wouldn't any reasonable person conclude what I did.

 

Doesn't matter. She replied today, I'm kind of excited. I haven't read it yet. I'm going to do that tonight. Sort of an end day treat.

 

My ex-girlfriend since my divorce was a photographer. As I get older I'm looking more for shared passion and connection. And she's what I consider the epitome of beautiful. The chances of me screwing up are directly proportional to how excited I get.

[Sportster2005]

I read ME's email late last night. If it was from an online dating site I would think she's not interested. The main negative is she didn't close with a question. But this isn't an online dating email. I'm also struck that a lot of people simply don't know to ask questions to keep a conversation going. It's from someone who approached me over Facebook. The email did have substantive information, and she addressed me by name. What was most interesting is she revealed something very private about herself. I don't know if she's oversharing or just trying to get something about her 'out of the way'. It is something that may give a lot of men pause. Me, not so much.

 

I will respond in a few days. She took a while to respond. I want to go at a pace that's comfortable with her. I have no idea what is really going on. I'm not overly concerned. Could be just one photographer reaching out to another. She may even be married/boyfriend for all I know.

 

 

Still nothing from MD.

 

I am meeting CC Sunday.

 

I miss LD, but it's for the best.

[missmarple]

I'm also struck that a lot of people simply don't know to ask questions to keep a conversation going.

 

I've thought that same thing many, many times. I don't know if it's lack of social skills or a big ego or just lack of interest. But those people get boring fast for me.

[Sportster2005]

I've thought that same thing many, many times. I don't know if it's lack of social skills or a big ego or just lack of interest. But those people get boring fast for me.

 

It certainly makes things more difficult.

 

I once had a similar situation on POF. Normally I just lose interest. But this time I thought I would just ask her out. We had a fantastic date. She was much better at conversing in real life. I almost wanted to ask why she was so lousy at email. I never did. No matter how I nicely I asked it would be taken as a criticism, which it kind of is. If she wasn't a pot smoker I would have asked for a second date. Shame, she we really hit it off. Oh well........,

[Sportster2005]

I don't believe in karma or some universal mysterious force. And I certainly detest the platitude of "everything happens for a reason". But I don't think you can ignore coincidences and hints.

 

I was thinking how nice it would be to have a brunch Sunday instead of coffee with CC. I even had a place I would love to take her. It's a small European like bistro in a trendy neighborhood. I didn't want to push my luck. CC asked me for a coffee, so I think that's a good place to start. When I awoke this morning there was an email from her asking me if wouldn't mind having a late brunch on Sunday. Then she asked me if I ever heard of the Tess. Tess is the name of the bistro I was thinking I would like to take her to. Of course I replied yes. I find this coincidence very telling.

[Sportster2005]

Just emailed ME. If she replies I'm going to ask if she wants to chat over a coffee. Nothing to lose.

 

I'm confirmed for 11:00 on Sunday with CC.

[Sportster2005]

Well that went well. ME emailed me back right away, added me as a friend, and liked my latest photo album and images. Which is kind of ironic because me ex girlfriend liked them roughly at the same time. Who is a photographer, and that's what brought us together. She never, never pays attention to my FB. Odd, but I'm not going to read anything into it. Even if after three years she's having a change of mind, well, it's wayyyyyyy too late. Should would make a good FWB though. But I don't do that kind of thing anymore. I accepted ME's friend request. I'm going to read her email at the end of the day. Saving it for an end of day treat. I'm really excited about this. I remember when I first saw her. She walked into the pub. I was standing by the door. She stopped looked around the bar, and then looked behind her. I was directly behind her. Our eyes met. I know it sounds hokey but I was kind of thrilled. I remember saying wow to myself. I watched her find her friends. Then she took a camera out of her backpack and started shooting the band. I didn't want to approach her, she was working. I was also a little intimidated. She's very attractive. When I left she was sitting down while the band was on break. I intentionally looked her way to try and make eye contact. We did. She didn't look away. We held for a while. Then I turned to leave, quickly looked over my shoulder, she seemed to be still watching me. Then when I left I wondered if I would ever see her again. I wondered if I would have the courage to approach her. Anyways, I don't want to get ahead of myself. It could just be a friend thing.

 

MD emailed me also. I haven't read that one yet either. She's kind of slipping away..... but if she's upfront and give a green light I will ask her out.

 

LD never liked the album I posted. She liked %100 of what I would post. I'm surprised she didn't unfriend me. She may yet. But it's clear we've parted ways. Kind of happy sad. I'm sure I would have fallen for her. And I know if I see her around with some guy it's going to suck. And it's very likely. She just lives about a kilometer away, and I frequent the cafe she likes to meet her dates. Oh well enough about her..... Maybe by the time that happens it won't matter anymore.

[Sportster2005]

MD - We chatted a lot on FB last night. She seems really engaged chatting, but I can't seem to get her to go out. No matter, I enjoy chatting with her. She'll either go out again some day, or not. I really don't feel a sense of frustration. I enjoy it, and that's enough.

 

ME - Responds very quickly. Information in her emails, shares things, answers questions. Seems humorless and incurious. I will respond tomorrow evening. I'm just going to ask her if she wants to chat over a coffee. I'm reminded of an experience on POF. She was horrible with email. But when I met her she was an entirely different person. If she agrees to go for a coffee, I'm really going to have bring all the confidence I can muster. She will be far the most attractive woman I ever met. Looks aren't everything. But I'm sure she gets an amazing amount of attention.

 

CC - Yesterday I asked her how work was. It was her first day back after being sick. Haven't heard back. She has yet to read the message. This is her pattern, so I'm not too concerned.

[Sportster2005]

CC - Is not feeling well. She can't make it tomorrow. It's eerie. This is what happened two years ago when we first met. Came down with bad sinusitis. She only returned to work yesterday, so I anticipated this might happen. I told her to get better soon, and unlike last time I will be here when she gets better.

 

MD - Just chatted a lot on FB again. Maybe I'm something to do to pass the time. Which is O.K. when I have nothing to do. She seems really engaged and enjoys it. Part of me thinks I just have to pay the patience game. To the best of my knowledge she hasn't dated since her divorce. I think the further from divorce she gets the more open she will be to dating. I was so close last time.

 

ME - Nothing. Going to ask her for coffee at the end of the weekend.

 

My ex-girlfriend LM is starting to freak me out a bit. Started to like everything on FB. New behavior. Maybe I'll see if she wants to get together. If I remain single she would make a fantastic FWB. Except I don't do that anymore. Well, maybe. It has been a long time.

[Sportster2005]

I've realized my attraction to ME is only physical. Chatting with her isn't any fun. So what's the point of pursuing? I'm going to take a wait and see.

[IAmFCA]

I've realized my attraction to ME is only physical. Chatting with her isn't any fun. So what's the point of pursuing? I'm going to take a wait and see.

 

Ahh, that's a drag. Triple threat was fun to think about.

[missmarple]

I've realized my attraction to ME is only physical. Chatting with her isn't any fun. So what's the point of pursuing? I'm going to take a wait and see.

 

If your goal (and hers) is a relationship, indeed, there's no point.

[Sportster2005]

Ahh, that's a drag. Triple threat was fun to think about.

 

I'll settle for a single threat oh oh there' that 'settle' word

[Sportster2005]

If your goal (and hers) is a relationship, indeed, there's no point.

 

I have no idea what her goal is. She sought me out on FB and then doesn't ask questions when I talk to her. Maybe she's a people collector? Just wants to have lots of photographer friends on her friend list. I dunnoh. I figure if she doesn't initiate and email or ask something somehow I'll just let her slip out of my consciousness.