Regret Breakup? -- Advice Needed

[Double J]

It's been almost 2 years since my high school ex g/f and I broke up. I actually dumped her. The reason is this: When her and I met, we got into things a little too fast. After a few days of meeting on a field trip, we were already making out, and we honestly didn't even know each other all that well. Her low self esteem and depression issues caused her to constantly stall and say she wasn't ready for something so serious. I could never really tell if that was the truth, or if she just wasn't feeling as into me as she wanted to at the time. Then again, it might have been a combination of both.

 

The main reason why it didn't work out was because we both had different desires - My mentality was "I want it right now" while she kept saying that she wanted to wait till after school ended to get serious. It seemed as if she wanted to establish something away from school, while I wanted things to happen while we were still in high school. Unfortunately, as she started to get more into me, I started to withdraw from her - it's almost as if the tables turned completely, and eventually she was the one that pursued me intently. But it was too late - I was ready to move on. Perhaps in the end my ego had the last word and I didn't want her to have the cake and eat it too.

 

That summer, the situation was overshadowed by other stuff I had in mind, and among these was starting college. Considering how I was over her, I even looked forward to meeting new girls in school. It was just sad how everything I felt for her just diminished. I saw her later on campus after school started, and to me she felt like a stranger. I barely even paid any attention to her when she was around my other friends. In the months to come, I started to like a girl in school who already had a b/f so that went nowhere, and toward the end of the year I found a new love interest that lasted a while.

 

In 2004, I saw her on campus a few times, and I took notice of how she had gained a lot of weight. I dated other girls throughout the year, and honestly, she didn't cross my mind at all. Soon enough I discovered that she had a new b/f, which didn't bother me, so that if there was any possibility I still cared for her, it was over now.

 

Let me cut to the chase. A few days ago I found a CD I burned during my high school senior year and many of the songs on it were out when me and my ex were together (Some we even danced to at prom). I also saw pics in my album of us that I hadn't seen in a while, and I happened to see the website for the hotel her and I met in. I really wish I hadn't come accross these things again, because it seems like i've been reminiscing a lot. I don't really think I miss her per se, but I miss how things unfolded, and how I felt in general at that time of year when the school year was coming to a close.

 

I miss how it felt to go to a formal event like prom with someone, having late-night convos with someone for hours, calling and waking the person up in the morning, and even just the drive home after being with her. I think what I miss is the overall satisfaction I felt with things at that time - waking up early in the morning knowing that you have someone waiting to see you in school. What I need help determining is -- Do I miss her? I don't think I do because I've seen her as recently as about 3-4 months ago and I really didn't "feel" anything. In fact, she was there hugging her b/f and I didn't get jealous.

 

Again, I don't think I miss her, but simply the serendipitous meeting we had, the chemistry, and the overall feeling that life felt just a little more complete. On the other hand, I must acknowledge that this girl was the first "serious" relationship I've ever had with a girl. The previous ones were more like flings, but this girl I really liked until I got tired of waiting. Although I became very disillusioned and sad with the way she handled things at first (and putting it on hold), this girl was really the type of girl I wanted to be in a relationship with, despite her depression problems. We had lots in common, and she was a sweet person even though at the beginning she seemed a little insecure of herself being capable of being in a relationship (since I was her first b/f).

 

But would that mean that I miss her too? That's what I can't figure out. It seems unlikely that after almost 2 years, now is when I would miss her and regret breaking up. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

 

Any comments and feedback would be most appreciated.

[arwen]

I completely understand, and I have been there. I think it's also possible that you miss who YOU were at that time, rather than HER. Maybe you felt happier with yourself?

 

I had and sometimes still have this with an ex. It's not that I miss myself or him, I miss a part of him that very much relates to a part of me. I am a music-junkie and sofar he is the only one in the world I have met who had the same ecclectic taste in music (which actually goes from Massive Attack to Igor Stravinsky).

 

He and I really shared this. We are now both in another relationship, and my relationship with the new person is much better. Really much better. Because this ex has really hurt me so many times... Just keep in mind WHY you broke up, and try to separate this from the reasons you might miss her, being with her, or the feeling she gave you about yourself.

 

Hope it helps,

 

Ilse.

[Double J]

Nice reply..

It's very possible that I do indeed miss who I was at the time instead of her. I guess I associate the songs with a positive experience (meeting her), but I would listen to the songs with more enjoyment since it was the time that she was around. Even going on the senior class trip was awesome despite the fact she didn't go, because I associate it with the time that she came into my life.

 

 

Anyone else?

[hockeyboy]

I know what you mean. I miss my exs but ill use the one that i dumped as an example..closest thing to what your going through. i broke up with this girl simply because she wasnt the one for me, i just didnt "feel" it and she was to controlling etc. I had no problems when we ended it. we would talk from time and she would always (apparently tyring to make me jealous) talk about her new bf and even her sexual life. didnt bother me one bit.

 

however...once in a while when i look at our pictures or something i kinda miss being with her. i dont miss her though! i miss having someone there for me. (of course i only miss it now that im single) Fact is..we had a lot of fun togethr, she made me laugh, we had a good sex life, i to spent hours talking to her and would be happy on my way home from her place etc, all the things your talking about. so i know how it is.

 

however when i really think about it...if i were to say get back with her somehow..i would not be happy. i may enjoy some aspects of a relationship with her, but i wouldnt be truly happy because i wouldnt truly be in love. i think your probably missing having somone around.

[hecka_bekah]

Since you were her first boyfriend she might share that same bond you have with her. When I read your story I just thought about my ex who I recently broke up with. He was my first real boyfriend and I am so upset at the fact that the bond I had with him might have not been the same bond he had with me. He had relationships before and one stuck out...which was a relationship he had with a girl he lost his virginity to. He knew it wouldn't work out since she worried too much about her own problems which he had to deal with, but he had that special bond with her. It kills me to think about it and just hope that I can have that mutual feeling with someone else. I want to know that I'm capable of feeling a special bond like that with someone else.

 

I did wonder if he had a sense of completion just being around me. The thought and effort I put into our relationship seemed to make him feel like he could be himself around me. He had a passion for music which I understood and he knew that. There were many other things we had in common and we are both mellow people who didn't argue and enjoyed doing similar things. I thought it would work but it wasn't enough...we both are just too young. I'm secretly hoping that he'll feel the way you do about your ex sometime down the road. I don't know if he'll miss me, but I wonder if he'll miss how he felt being around me.

 

What I'm trying to say is that if nothing was wrong with the relationship except the fact that you both were too young, it won't hurt to find out how she's doing and if she views life the same way you do now. At least you could both be friends (if you think it's worth contacting her again). You could feel that way with someone else, but I think it's always good to keep the door open.... good luck with everything!

 

Rebekah

[hecka_bekah]

I'm sorry I wasn't sure if you both are friends now....