Randomly talking to women, Creepy? or Welcomed?

[Silverbirch]

I had an experience a couple of weeks ago which was quite unusual, and I met this stranger quite randomly. It was in an auction house/bidding centre. There were no price catalogues and I saw something that interested me. I went up to this lady who I knew worked there and she was talking to this man. I don't know why, but I assumed he was the manager as they seemed to know each other. Anyway, I asked fir some help with an item, and I think that I was probably looking more at the man as the lady is usually at the checkout register. The man came with the price catalogue - it was actually an antique front door. He was saying it was a good door and good price. Somehow, we just got into conversation, and it was at least 5 minutes before I realised he didn't work in the store.

 

Anyway, long and short of it was that he gave me his phone number and address - said he was restoring a heritage building and Ai was welcome to come take a look.

 

Well, funny thing was that I DID like him. I decided though not to make any contact with him, despite the fact that I liked him, I realised that I don't know him. He probably is okay, but i don't know that. There have been people Ive known a little and thought okay, and then found out they are unsafe. That would go for both sexes.

 

I did find myself wishing that I would meet up with him randomly more often.

[Capricorn3]

How exactly do women feel about being approached in todays world? Where would be appropriate for a decent looking, and well intentioned, man to randomly talk to a strange woman.

I went around the office yesterday and asked all the women there what they thought about a strange guy who randomly approached them in the street, bus stop etc etc and without fail, each and every one of them did NOT like it. Almost all of them said they have experienced a "random, cold approach" and said it made them feel really uncomfortable. I've had a couple of random guys approach me too and like the others, I didn't feel comfortable. The one guy immediately read my body language and moved on. The other guy ... wow. He just did NOT let up and I was starting to freak out. I eventually disappeared into a ladies clothing store and he finally got the message. None of the women I spoke to welcomed the "random approach".

 

I think for most guys who try the cold approach, very very few are ever successful. It's probably a far better idea to meet and talk to girls at a friend's party, or meet through friends in general who can introduce you to people and so on.

[Batya33]

I think it depends -striking up a conversation while waiting in line for coffee or at a bus stop is fine but again it has to be done with sensitivity to the other person's reactions - going up to a stranger randomly on the street is different IMO. Yesterday my 6 year old and I were waiting on a train platform. A woman approaches us and addresses my son "excuse me?" or the like. I look at her and she says "no I want to talk to your son".

 

My first instinct was "nope, he's 6, you talk to me and I'll decide" but I stayed quiet and allowed it. She then said something to him about rooting for the wrong sports team based on the shirt he was wearing. Sure, relatively innocuous (although not sure why she thought a 6 year old would get the point of her opinion) but inappropriate for her to think that it's ok for a random stranger to approach my son without asking me first. Wearing that shirt doesn't mean he's inviting random strangers to approach him just like a woman dressed a certain way isn't implicitly inviting random strangers to flirt with her.

[Rosti87]

Although they are the minority there are men out there that feel entitled. How are we going to figure out which ones they are in a cold approach? If they violate our space or over stay their welcome our instincts kick in. Maybe our reactions are some type of primal instinct for survival... Who knows?

 

I know very few women who welcome such approaches. Usually the women I know who regularly accept cold approaches like the attention more than wanting to get to know the guy. So the guy is wasting his time in those types of cases.

 

I'm sure the cold approach can lead to dates but those opportunities are probably pretty rare.

[Batya33]

My friend met her husband that way (married almost 20 years) - her mother told her that she was consistently ignoring men's looks at her because she was looking down at the ground. So she stopped doing that and shortly after that saw a guy looking at her accross the street -he crossed the street and the rest is history. She was definitely not looking for a hook up. So it can happen but I think there has to be more context like waiting in line, etc.

[IAmFCA]

When someone talks to me mid block, not while we're both sharing a bus stop or a red light, I ignore. But notalways. If you have a respectful manner of speech I will listen for minute but keep my body position angled to walk away. It's only creepy if they ignore my cues.

[Moontiger]

OP, it sounds like you have taken a lot of good information from this thread. I just want to really hammer home the point of women being worried about their safety. I had a close friend who was almost raped in her own home, during a party, because someone followed her into a room when she went to get something (the party was with people she knew, no strangers). Everyone else was listening to loud music and had no idea what was happening. Lunckily she got away. Even with people we know, in a place to that should be safe, we still have to worried about our safety.

 

On the flip side, I have a friend who meet her long-term boyfriend at bar. He complimented her shoes. They have been together for 4 years now.

 

Women have literally been shot, killed, beaten up, verbally assaulted, all for turning guys down. That is why I don't respond when a guy tried to talk to me on the street.

[ParisPaulette]

Apolgies Striker, most of the men on here are fine. The takeaway I got from the comment that riled me up came accross to me as "you wouldn't mind men who do all those things if they are good-looking," which is just not true. Worse it tends to forward the general think from a certain subset of men who, because they are good-looking and successful, think they are justified in doing such things. I've actually had remarks like, "Honey, you just landed this CEO's attention, you should be grateful you (expletive, expletive, expletive) that I even LOOKED at you!!!!"

 

I know you aren't like that and most on here won't be and for that I am always deeply grateful. Frankly, every time one of you fellows witnesses that type of behavior or someone says something it is actually in your best interests to shut it down, hard. Because guys like that poison the entire well for the rest of you.

 

Personally, I hate that every time a man is nice to me or just wants a bit of conversation in the back of my mind there has to be this extra caution. It sucks, because most are just fine. Like the guy who paid for my coffee one day and that's all he was doing, he just was in a good mood and buying coffee for people in general. My first thought, which should have been "how nice, thank you" was instead "what do you want"?

 

And that's just sad. But if you kick at a dog long enough after awhile that dog flinches when anyone's boots come near it. (I work with rescues so forgive me the animal analogies, I know it can be annoying). And that's what you guys are dealing with.

 

Also, I know there is a fear and occasionally some poor guy has gotten chewed out for just opening a door or saying hello. And again, that's not acceptable and I've rebuked more than one woman for that. I like the dynamic between men and women. I like it when you open doors for us and show us courtesy and manners, I like a simple "good morning" even the occasional nice compliment with no expectations behind it is damn nice.

 

This is a huge debate, because so many times the rules change, those goal posts keep moving, and we all have to struggle with that. "Is what I'm doing acceptable? Will she think I'm going to hurt her? Will he think I'm easy if I talk to him? Will anyone blame me if I dare to get close to another human being?" It's a very tough call and we all know that it only takes one a-hole, male or female, to ruin one's day and make you look at people just a little more darkly than you did the day before. And it isn't women those rules change for either, of that I'm well aware. I have more male friends than female, I do get to hear their side of it.

 

Frankly, it's a miracle there is a forum like this where we can all come together, debate, voice our opinions to the world. And I appreciate you taking the time to address my concerns. I do tend to come on strong sometimes when I'm making a point. (Okay, maybe a little more than that. Hubs will sometimes tell me, "Calm down there, Dr. Phil!)

 

The bottom line? All any of us can do is keep our heads up, our hearts open, and see what the day brings us. It might just be another person who rocks our world and that's all any of us can do, because we're human. And that is a curse yes, but it's also a blessing beyond all compare when you think of it.

[TMifune]

I mostly agree with this. But remember...men don't get "creeped out." That's a woman thing. To me, if a hot girl approaches me, um, hello...a hot girl is approaching me (though this doesn't happen to me all that often, at least not in real life ).

 

Now for women, even if the guy is good looking, if their approach is off and they come accross as super socially awkward (creepy), then the woman might get turned off. I know a guy like this. Not a bad looking guy at all (above average, at his best, I'd say), but he can't talk to women to save his life. He comes off as a "creeper."

 

Which is ironic because many real predators are extremely socially adept.

[TMifune]

Well, funny thing was that I DID like him. I decided though not to make any contact with him, despite the fact that I liked him, I realised that I don't know him. He probably is okay, but i don't know that. There have been people Ive known a little and thought okay, and then found out they are unsafe. That would go for both sexes.

 

So meet him somewhere public and get to know him? How would anybody anywhere ever get to know anyone if we're all like "I'm afraid to spend time getting to know you because I don't already know you?"

[Moontiger]

So meet him somewhere public and get to know him? How would anybody anywhere ever get to know anyone if we're all like "I'm afraid to spend time getting to know you because I don't already know you?"

 

I know many people who will only date within their social circle. It's not that rare. I don't do that since most people I know are already in a relationship. But I get it. Rather be single then end up murdered or with a stalker.

[TMifune]

I know many people who will only date within their social circle. It's not that rare. I don't do that since most people I know are already in a relationship. But I get it. Rather be single then end up murdered or with a stalker.

 

I can't speak to rarity, but it seems a little paranoid, especially when you're significantly more likely to be assaulted from someone inside or peripheral to your social circle.

[Striker0602]

No need for spologies Paris, like I said, this has been really interesting, helpful, and at the very least goes to show the complicated concerns people can have. You're clearly passionate and have good reason to be! Its not nearly as simple as I thought and as more people continue to add to it, I'm seeing a huge amount of variation in opinions. I know women had to worry about safety I just didn't know how far thatd go for so many... which is a shame!

 

Just to say as well, I am curious about this, but approaching a woman on the street just isn't something I'm going to do, it sounds very strange to me. I am looking forward to the idea of a more natural ovcurence though, seems like a lot of this would be helpful in not so cold situations as well.

[Rosti87]

Below is a video that went viral earlier this year. Its about a woman walking the streets of NYC for 10 hours.

 

[video=youtube;b1XGPvbWn0A] ]

[Capricorn3]

Below is a video that went viral earlier this year. Its about a woman walking the streets of NYC for 10 hours.

It even reached the news here and was shown on almost every news channel for several days. It really is an eye-opener.

[Rosti87]

It even reached the news here and was shown on almost every news channel for several days. It really is an eye-opener.

When I visit NYC that has been my experience. There is always someone trying to chat you up day and night. Especially if you are walking by yourself.

[Capricorn3]

When I visit NYC that has been my experience. There is always someone trying to chat you up day and night. Especially if you are walking by yourself.

 

Yep. Absolutely. Really scary sometimes.

[Jean-Luc]

Below is a video that went viral earlier this year. Its about a woman walking the streets of NYC for 10 hours.

 

[video=youtube;b1XGPvbWn0A] ]

 

I've talked about this video with women family members and friends and they've said that they think the video was setup for men to look a certain way and that it was a bit misleading. Were there not women also saying hello to her for the whole ten hours that she was walking? Also only 2 minutes of footage in a city with 8-9 million people? Some of the people were quite strange, but to be honest they were not your normal average looking joe's. They looked like the kind of people who would do that sort of thing, and which I've seen in the area that I live in as well. Trying to equate the kind of people that would do that to every other guy on the planet is a bit much.

[Rosti87]

I've talked about this video with women family members and friends and they've said that they think the video was setup for men to look a certain way and that it was a bit misleading. Were there not women also saying hello to her for the whole ten hours that she was walking? Also only 2 minutes of footage in a city with 8-9 million people? Some of the people were quite strange, but to be honest they were not your normal average looking joe's. They looked like the kind of people who would do that sort of thing, and which I've seen in the area that I live in as well. Trying to equate the kind of people that would do that to every other guy on the planet is a bit much.

What is a normal guy? That changes from city to city, region to region, country to country.

[Jean-Luc]

I can't speak to rarity, but it seems a little paranoid, especially when you're significantly more likely to be assaulted from someone inside or peripheral to your social circle.

 

Safety is very important. At the same time, people are a bit paranoid and over dramatic sometimes and this leads to reputations being ruined for simply being awkward(not being able to express yourself well, not the kind of people that you see in the video above). Being seen as potentially dangerous and/or crazy for something trivial or minor is just as bad as someone worrying about their safety, in some circumstances.

[ParisPaulette]

Ah yes, the video. I think it's accurate enough. They obviously edited it just to include her encounters with men on that day, it's not a rolling ten hours straight of her just walking. (Ain't nobody got time for that, watching or walking). But this:

Were there not women also saying hello to her for the whole ten hours that she was walking?

Nope, probably not.

 

I lived in L.A., visited NCY regularly as I have family there, and have walked my way through more than one large metropolitan city and a few European ones too. Women rarely, rarely ever talked to me at all in the US. At all. Europe or smaller towns like where I live, nope, we all talk to each other. But maybe that's because there's not that many of us, so we're all a bit hungrier for human contact.

 

Bottom line, yeah women get sexually harassed on the street more than men. Do men harassed too? Well, yeah but I'm guessing we aren't going to hear as much about that, because of perceptions that to complain would somehow not be "manly." I think if one did a survey you'd find women are targeted on the street more for sexual harassment whereas men would be targeted for their possessions or just being competition, attracting another man's girl in some way or being perceived doing so and therefore have to deal with it.

 

In both cases the confrontations can turn violent as we see on the news every day. For a woman it may be because she said no, for a man it may be because he was wearing the wrong color baseball cap or didn't want to fork over his wallet. Either way the end result is the same.

 

But at a party, in a bar, anyplace where socializing is done regularly or even yes when you strike up a conversation for some reason, there is a potential to get a date or more out of the encounter. We all start out as strangers anyways and really it is just one giant crap shoot. Brush up on your social skills and interact, because you have to do that anyways. Proceed with caution and stay basically safe with some common sense.

[Ms Darcy]

I had a male coworker ask the same question. I asked him if he was looking for rejection, a hook up, or a relationship. Since he wanted a relationship, I encouraged him to try meeting women through his social circle. He didn't have one. Started inviting him out with a group of other coworkers ... bowling, kickball, dinner etc. He met his current gf on the kickball fields as an opponent.

[Rosti87]

I had a male coworker ask the same question. I asked him if he was looking for rejection, a hook up, or a relationship. Since he wanted a relationship, I encouraged him to try meeting women through his social circle. He didn't have one. Started inviting him out with a group of other coworkers ... bowling, kickball, dinner etc. He met his current gf on the kickball fields as an opponent.

 

This is a pattern I see with many men. They don't really have a social circle. Some of them depend on their girlfriend's/wives friends for socializing. I think this *could* be part of some single guys problems getting dates in the real world. If they never developed a strong social circle in which to meet others or just to have a social life in general it can certainly make some of them frustrated with dating within any context.

[Striker0602]

This is a pattern I see with many men. They don't really have a social circle. Some of them depend on their girlfriend's/wives friends for socializing. I think this *could* be part of some single guys problems getting dates in the real world. If they never developed a strong social circle in which to meet others or just to have a social life in general it can certainly make some of them frustrated with dating within any context.

 

LOL, just like that eh? I do have a very small social circle, and we get together a couple times a month. However, I am new to my area, and I'm not the most social guy in the world. Most of the friends I have back accross the country, I did meet through an old girlfriend, and they kinda latched onto me after the breakup. Work friends, for me, isnt an option, im the youngest guy in the facility and also the only single one... Plus, I'm their quality guy, they hate me haha! If I had a social circle I probably wouldnt have made the thread, that is how I met dates back home before I moved to California, and it was not hard in that case.

[Cascade]

Hey man, I think I can help you out.

I used to be scared also, but I learned to just lose the fear, and I live in London (England), so there are tons of women here.

I have learned to just look at whats happening around me, and then you can use that to start conversation with a woman on the train or metro/subway/underground etc, or bus stops, supermarkets, anything.

The big point is to make sure you do not fear her rejecting you, as long as you do not fear this then you are golden.

Essentially just go in with a nice cheeky smile and say something like "hey, you know which way is the post office?" or commenting on something that is happening around is also good.

Basically don't stress and embrace the nervousness and use that energy for positive things to push you forwards.

 

It is a similar way to driving a racecar, the pressure can make you scared and make you crash, or embracing the pressure can make you drive on the limits with pure confidence and focus without thinking of the risks or possible failure, I think Emerson Fittipaldi once had a quote like that, something about the pressure being able to destroy you, but using pressure in the right way you can be on the limit and perform.

It works in approaching women too, as if they see you are nervous it will work against you as then you will start to crumble.

You also need an "exit strategy" when getting her number, make sure to say you have something to go to etc, this way you leave a good first impression.

If you can get an instant date then go for that, but generally, I go for the number, then make an exit after some small chatting saying I have an appointment or etc etc.