sleepingdonut Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Have you tried meeting people outside of the online dating community? Perhaps at a dance class, a common interest group, a gym, etc? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm confused at your expectation that dating in a large city while having an intense career (that was my situation too) should be easy in any way. It's ridiculously hard at times and like Ms. Darcy, if I hadn't wanted marriage/family so badly it wouldn't have been worth the effort. Yes, at times it was so aggravating and the fun times were few and far between. But please do not give up (not sure how old you are though so that factors in, if you want a child). My expectation when having first meets through on line was that we would have a pleasant in-person conversation, that's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 So what? This is why you have coffee dates. It's maybe like an hour long investment. If you don't like them for any reason, move onto the next. There's no reason to care this much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 I don't care about these men, I'm just sick of dating them and then finding out they weren't being honest about something, weren't over their ex, lied about employment, etc. I never find these things out over a cuppa coffee on the first date, it comes later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I don't care about these men, I'm just sick of dating them and then finding out they weren't being honest about something, weren't over their ex, lied about employment, etc. I never find these things out over a cuppa coffee on the first date, it comes later. Maybe you need to work on your crap meter. Maybe you are not able to detect stinkly soon enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 How did you go a first date without determining his job or whether or not he lives with his mother? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Maybe you need to work on your crap meter. Maybe you are not able to detect stinkly soon enough. I know you're right. I'm not naive, but I do not think of negative things about people. With this guy and his super laid-back personality and his self proclaimed "slow blood" demeaner, I thought "cool, he probably has no temper. Score!" Only later to find out his demeaner is likely caused by his pot addiction. When I was telling a recently divorced friend, she said the first thing she would have thought about his overly laid-back personality is drugs, Xanax, Ativan-some type of drug. I later told her that she was right, he smokes every day! This made me realize how blind I can be. She saw the signs without ever meeting him. I didnt learn of it until date 3, and it was something he brought up, I was completely unaware and never suspected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I tend to think that dating is about figuring out who the person is. So, you found him out at date three. Great. Cut him off and be glad you found out early! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Well, his profile said he was a mechanic. And I never imagined a man of his age living at home, esp if they are on a dating website. On our first date, we didn't talk about our jobs. We talked about me, actually. He wanted to know how I like the city, where my favorite place is to eat in the city and why. That led to us laughing about both being Vegans and how/why we each transitioned to Veganism, etc. Date 2: talking about our pets, my hometown, our family (how many brothers/sisters, stepparents) it was here we discovered we had the same birthday, which was also the day his dad walked out of his life...and then we talked about absent fathers, he talked about how he's ready to become a father, etc. Date 3: he casually mentioned his "420" use and how often. I questioned how he can smoke so much and not get fired from his job? This led to me finding out about his sketchy employment. I wanted to know how he can support himself, so I casually asked if he had any roommates, finding out he lives with mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 3 dates to find that stuff out isn't too bad. Took me 5 dates once to find out a guy lied about his age, because he accidentally let it slip in date 5 (he then pretended that he didn't know how that happened lol). One thing though, is that you should make no assumptions, such as "I can't imagine a man of his age living at home, esp if they are on a dating website". Why can't you imagine that? It happens all the time, all kinds of people go on dating websites. You know what they say about making assumptions... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I will say though, meeting people and going on dates with lots of people was tiring. So you need to pace yourself, and mix it up with enjoying time with good people (family, friends) and enjoying quiet, alone time doing things you like. And for me, that also included preserving energy by not browsing through profiles frequently and not initiating messages unless I see one I really really liked, because I find that process tiring. But once you find one worth dating, it's awesome. I think it's not any easier finding someone in real life. I believe in being present in all possible venues of meeting someone, because you just never know. Met my current boyfriend, who is awesome, on OKC. He had just moved to my city and trying online dating for the first time. He messaged me (since I wasn't really browsing or messaging anyone anymore). If I wasn't present online, we would've never met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 The market for dating is especially tough for women because there isn't much to choose from. There are some good guys out there but then there are so many that appear to be good, but won't make great long term partners. A guy can be a good guy but not a keeper for the long haul. Don't settle for less, that's the worst mistake and don't give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 All I have to say (and this is after years of dating online and over 300 first dates) is never assume anything and always ask about things that could be deal-breakers for you BEFORE you meet. If the person (he or she doesn't matter) avoids or refuses to answer your questions, don't meet them. Things I always ask before a date (if not mentioned on his profile, that is) are if someone lives alone, how ofter he sees his kids (if he has kids), what kind of job does he do and where does he work, how long he's been divorced, if he's a smoker (I am one) and if he likes animals (huge cat lover here..lol). I never ask about drugs, though..maybe because I've never come accross anyone who does drugs (not too common over here). I still remember a guy I had talked on the phone with and we were about to plan a date when I asked about his job...he was so reluctant to answer and so defensive ('do you care that much about my salary'..although I hadn't mentioned anything about his salary) that I never met him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I know you're right. I'm not naive, but I do not think of negative things about people. With this guy and his super laid-back personality and his self proclaimed "slow blood" demeaner, I thought "cool, he probably has no temper. Score!" Only later to find out his demeaner is likely caused by his pot addiction. When I was telling a recently divorced friend, she said the first thing she would have thought about his overly laid-back personality is drugs, Xanax, Ativan-some type of drug. I later told her that she was right, he smokes every day! This made me realize how blind I can be. She saw the signs without ever meeting him. I didnt learn of it until date 3, and it was something he brought up, I was completely unaware and never suspected. Well you can now add this signpost into your mind palace. You probably would not know these symptoms unless you hung out or were socially exposed to heavy drug users. Having said this I would be wary of extremely laid people as much as extremely wired people. Any extreme is worth paying close attention to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManyDates Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 OP - you should have had all the knowledge before meeting, like, what did you talk about before meeting???? Set some standards - broke, 38, lives with mommy, pot head - that, is a loser. Me? I wont date teachers, career students or women that do not live alone or have a vehicle - cuts out a lot of bs (no knock against teaching as a career, just from my experience dating sites are filled with them and their standards are laughably off the charts ridiculous. I've dated lawyers, VP's, Doctors that were less stuck up.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 OP - you should have had all the knowledge before meeting, like, what did you talk about before meeting???? Set some standards - broke, 38, lives with mommy, pot head - that, is a loser. Me? I wont date teachers, career students or women that do not live alone or have a vehicle - cuts out a lot of bs (no knock against teaching as a career, just from my experience dating sites are filled with them and their standards are laughably off the charts ridiculous. I've dated lawyers, VP's, Doctors that were less stuck up.) They say that teachers make great spouses especially if you plan to have children. Not trying to justify their pickiness, but I would imagine since they don't make much money they are looking for great providers. In turn they tend to be very family oriented, organized, solid and highly intelligent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManyDates Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 They say that teachers make great spouses especially if you plan to have children. Not trying to justify their pickiness, but I would imagine since they don't make much money they are looking for great providers. In turn they tend to be very family oriented, organized, solid and highly intelligent. Who is "they" that said this? LOL From my experience (multiple bad experiences) they are simply an odd breed I'd rather not bother with. I am contemplating putting that right in my profile, just to see what happens Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Who is "they" that said this? LOL From my experience (multiple bad experiences) they are simply an odd breed I'd rather not bother with. I am contemplating putting that right in my profile, just to see what happens I have read it in several books and articles. One book that comes to mind is "The Millionaire Next Door." But I recall other survey/articles indicating this I just can't specifically recall them at the moment. In the "Millionaire" book teachers as wives are ideal for families and helping with wealth building. My mother was a teacher and she was not only a great mother and wife she was very community oriented. All my childhood friends who had mothers as teachers shared similar experiences growing up. My sister in law is a teacher and she is wonderful woman and mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 OP - I wonder if possibly you're glossing over red flags because you're so sick of dating. There's a spectrum here and on one end is being too picky and on the other end is being not picky enough and sometimes we swing too far to one side or the other unknowingly. Is it possible you are so sick of starting over that you're giving these guys 2nd and 3rd chances when they don't deserve them just so that you're not back at square one? I've been there....both being too picky and they being so sick of the never ending dating scene that gave way too many chances. Maybe you need a break so you can recenter and find your way back to somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 They say that teachers make great spouses especially if you plan to have children. Not trying to justify their pickiness, but I would imagine since they don't make much money they are looking for great providers. In turn they tend to be very family oriented, organized, solid and highly intelligent. Being a teacher has nothing to do with 'looking for a great provider'. I am a teacher and I never cared about someone's 'providing power'. Not just now that kids our out of the question but not even when I was younger. Same goes for most of my teacher friends, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Being a teacher has nothing to do with 'looking for a great provider'. I am a teacher and I never cared about someone's 'providing power'. Not just now that kids our out of the question but not even when I was younger. Same goes for most of my teacher friends, too One reason I chose to stop teaching young children was because I wanted to be able to live independently and build a nest egg in case I wanted to be the at home parent some day and my husband (who was only in my imagination at that time) could not provide with his income - where I did my teaching the salary was too low to live on plus save any appreciable amount. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Being a teacher has nothing to do with 'looking for a great provider'. I am a teacher and I never cared about someone's 'providing power'. Not just now that kids our out of the question but not even when I was younger. Same goes for most of my teacher friends, too I was responding to the posters comment about them being picky. It was merely a reflection. It was no statement of fact. Please don't take it personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ready Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I feel your pain! I have. Strict rule against dating guys at work. My social circle is pretty small so I don't meet many available guys. I do the online dating thing and whoa mama! Whack jobs, weirdos and liars! I finally got to the point that I have zero expectations for the first date and I text for one week. During that time I can usually get a first and last name so I google, FB and jail search. If anything crazy pops up I ease it off. I seem to have found a really good guy that is legit but who knows if it's gonna actually work out. I hate dating too!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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