My reconciliation + the role of NC

[blackcat777]

I posted here when I had my breakup last year (and quickly quit posting because some haters knocked on the fact my relationship has an age gap). HOWEVER, I read many helpful posts from others that helped me through dark times, and wanted to share what I learned about NC in hopes that it may help some others through dark times.

 

I write this post at eight months post-reconciliation, and have learned the skills to build (with a willing partner) the most magical relationship of my life.

 

I had the most incredible and unexpected relationship with a ~9 years younger man, for 8 months, before he moved an hour away to go to college. (When we started dating and I caught THE FEELS, I asked him if things were great, if he'd be open to long distance; he said yes.) Every night we were together--five or six nights a week--I slept with my head on his chest, since the first night we fell asleep together. We never fought. I never laughed so hard. I never had better sex. We went dancing, camping, hiking, did yoga. He was so sweet.

 

Four days after he moved away to school, he dumped me. Over the phone, no explanation, nothing.

 

My heart broke and I never felt pain like that in my life. The first two months were hell. I barely slept, and when I did, I had nightmares. My whole digestive tract was disturbed and I could barely eat. I ate nothing but scrambled eggs. I dropped 20 pounds in the first week. I cried face-down in bed for seven hours at a time. I would take hour-long walks, crying through the first 30-45 minutes of my walk until enough endorphins kicked in to stop the crying for a little bit. I wanted to run away to Mexico, joint a convent, something, anything.

 

I think part of why it hit me so hard was because we were so intensely physical. Lots of hot, awesome sex, but tons of cuddling, too. Sleeping entwined together. Major flow of oxytocin.

 

What I did right in this situation: I immediately went NC after hanging up the phone on that fateful day. Fortunately, I had read Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen, where she extols the benefits of no contact if a man wavers on commitment, and this stuck in the back of my mind.

 

Honestly, for the first few weeks, I hurt so badly, there was nothing I could say, no contact I would have wanted to make. But then, I wanted him back. Fortunately, by the time I had started to entertain the idea of getting him back, I was already on the internet and having the merits of NC beaten into my head. (I think I read LifeGoesOnMan's thread every single day.)

 

I read everything I could on breakup psychology. I strongly recommend Bonnie Weil's Make Up, Don't Break Up. Much of the literature out there (including Weil's) says that it takes 6-8 weeks for a dumper to begin processing the breakup; it takes 6-8 weeks for the body's oxytocin levels to normalize after a breakup.

 

I got my appetite back at six weeks, and finally started sleeping at the eight week mark. I had literally cried myself out. I was finally exhausted enough to sleep. There is some magic in the 6-8 week mark: it's when I started feeling better.

 

Of course, I nursed the hope my man would come around at the 6-8 week mark--but he didn't. Not a peep. When I finally regained some of my strength from sleeping and eating, I took letting go seriously. If all I had to do to get over him was let go--or, according to every cryptic NC bible on the net, if all I had to do to get him back was to let go, truly--it was time to let go. Win-win.

 

So many things I had avoided because the memories hurt me, places we used to walk, the tea we used to drink. To get my power back, I started doing all the things I was avoiding, and I did them for me--after all, I had done them for myself before I met my boyfriend. This was critical to my recovery, and I mention this because your recovery is critical to a true reconciliation. You can't have a relationship with a broken heart, just like you can't walk with a broken leg, and this is true of a new relationship with your ex.

 

Another hugely empowering thing I did was block him everywhere. I had the good sense to block him on Facebook a week or two after the breakup (one girl posted a single heart on his wall and I had a meltdown; it turns out, later on, nothing had ever transpired between them, my boyfriend found her creepy and annoying, but my breakup mind automatically assumed the worst and felt 10,000 daggers).

 

I was hurt and angry he never called, not even to throw me a stupid breadcrumb--so I blocked his number. This was important because I NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT HIM NOT REACHING OUT AGAIN. The sound of silence was too painful--so I shut it off.

 

I also kept an iron will and never answered any unknown phone numbers. My boyfriend swears he never called from a different number; however, after I blocked his phone, a strange number called the house with increasing frequency until we got back together, and then the calls stopped.

 

I tried everything in my power to bounce emails from my Gmail back to him with a rejected message, and failed (long story short). I ultimately decided god wanted my email account open to him.

 

After the initial two-month cryfest, I focused heavily on making myself as happy and as awesome as possible. I hated that I never went to college, and I hated the idea of bartending forever, so I enrolled in school. I always ogled my one girlfriend who did pole fitness class and spammed Facebook with pictures of her KILLER BODY hanging from trees and flagpoles that she could climb (and I couldn't even do one pullup!), so I joined a pole fitness class.

 

Physical activity was critical to my recovery because I could channel all the energy I spent cuddling and having sex into something positive for myself, into something that still positively engaged my body. And endorphins! Whew! Class left me so tired I could actually fall asleep at night. (Working out like that still makes me sleep like a baby.)

 

I made jewelry, I hung out with my girlfriends, I spent major time playing the piano. I did me, me, me, and more me. I did retail therapy. I could afford to do retail therapy because I wasn't going on any dates!

 

I DID set up an OLD profile immediately post-breakup. The validation was nice when my self-esteem was so crushed, but I was not in a place to date. I went on a few one-off dinner dates with decent guys, and would come home and bawl my eyes out in the shower because I wanted my boyfriend back. Not good.

 

I remember decorating the Christmas tree with my dad. I had fleeting thoughts of paying some redneck to leave a dead deer on my boyfriend's car.

 

Four days later, my inbox flooded with emails. "I was wrong, I'm sorry, I want to mend things. Let's do XYZ that we always used to do together. Let's have some tea."

 

My heart thumped. I did not reply. He was a doofus and dumped me over the phone. For everything that I put into our relationship, I deserved so much more than an email. Plus, he didn't flat out say, "I want you back." That's the golden rule of every NC guide: DO NOT REPLY TO ANYTHING until you hear the magic words, "I want you back." Let them beg, cry, squirm, scream. Do not buckle. Do not go out for that drink, those wings, that cup of tea. You are worth so much more than that!

 

He emailed multiple times a day from different addresses. The mystery number was blowing up my phone. But still no magic words...

 

Finally, I was most likely ranting on Loveshack, when a rock hit my window (my boyfriend always used to walk to my house and wake me in the middle of the night by throwing rocks at my window).

 

He stood outside; I immediately ducked down so he couldn't see me. I thought about everything Weil and Allen wrote about NOT breaking NC, not even letting a man see you until he negotiates the commitment YOU want... so I phoned him. (I could call out, but he still couldn't call in because he was blocked. )

 

I told him to speak. I didn't prompt him to say anything in any way. He gave me the same crap for a while, dancing around the issue, but not coming out and saying it.

 

I told him I needed to know why he was here, and then I would decide if I should open the door. I snuck around the house to watch him from another window where he couldn't see me. My boyfriend used to have the longest, most beautiful hair. He had cut it off. He stood outside with flowers, and bags of stuff (gifts for me, our tea, expensive salmon that I love to eat). He was dressed to the nines.

 

FINALLY he said he wanted to try again and make things right, and then launched into an epic speech about how I was a gift to humanity. I purposely waited and listened to his speech. Then, I finally opened the door.

 

I made him sit. I made him talk and tell me everything before I told him a peep about me.

 

NC and the time I spent on myself was CRITICAL for three reasons: first, because I was actually able to stay calm and poised. I did NOT cry while he was there.

 

Secondly, when I finally did get to talking about myself... my perceived value shot WAY up. I had filled my life with so many interesting things. I stayed strong and kept moving on. Sure, I cried so much that my eye developed a weird twitch that lasted for months, BUT, I didn't stop doing the things I loved. I was developing hot pole bod.

 

Thirdly, because I never once reached out to him, it permanently altered the power dynamic in the relationship. (I highly recommend reading The Passion Paradox that explains the "one up/one down" phenomenon.) If the relationship breaks because one person is too attached--I may have been, I wasn't a stage 5 clinger, but I was definitely too attached before--the power dynamic HAS to be altered. If you are dumped, you are likely on the bottom, for whatever reason, and the ONLY WAY to rectify this is to stay strong unto yourself. There are huge spiritual lessons to be learned, and those lessons center around how well you treat yourself during your darkest times. It won't feel like anything while you suffer--but when the suffering starts to fade, your goodness to yourself will hit you, and you will realize how incredibly strong you are.

 

Now, I really didn't intend to have sex that night. I wanted to make him wait. We discussed it at length before we did it. He gave me the biggest orgasm and I burst into tears (I never cried during sex before... ever). That really shook my boyfriend to the core.

 

The litmus test of how much a returning ex really wants to be with YOU is in his actions. I ignored all my boyfriend's words and only watched his actions.

 

In the last three months alone, he put over 30,000 miles on his car to see me. He has called or sent an email *every.* *day.* since we've been back together.

 

I'm stuck living at home (moved back due to car accident/head injury), and my stuck in the 1950's dad was furious that my boyfriend came back. He banished my boyfriend to sleeping in the attic ( dad, I pay a huge amount of rent). My house is really the only house we can chill at undisturbed, and if my dad banned my boyfriend, it would be the end of the world. (*I just graduated and am now looking for work close to my boyfriend's house, saving to move down there, so this situation will be resolved soon.) The point is, the path of least resistance for us to be together is for my boyfriend to sleep in the attic, so, (every night at 5am, we set an alarm to wake him up before my dad wakes up) he goes and sleeps in the freaking attic, where it is hot as hell and the cats bite his feet, shake snot all over him, and snore really loud.

 

I burned out working full time and going to school full time, and had some major anxious breakdowns trying to balance everything. My boyfriend sat with me while I sat up all night and cried, he spotted me money (which I have paid back) that no one in my family was willing to spot me. He came to every school event that I had, he came to my graduation. He came to school and let me do his makeup like Rocky Horror for a project.

 

He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter, and he lets me know it every single day. We're both playing for the same team, and it's the best feeling. He's open and honest with me in ways he never was before the breakup (we both did a lot of growing up).

 

He proudly pushes the cart when we shop for groceries together.

 

He talks about us building a life together after he graduates. He knows I would never live with someone again unless I married, and when I marry, that will be it. Because he is younger, I don't want to push him; he knows what I want and I told him to come and tell me when he's ready. I don't want to rob him of that magical time of crazy roommates leaving beer cans in the shower. Because he is getting into the medical field and I'm starting in the beauty industry, we've entertained tons of mutual dreams about having a business one day. Our timelines for potentially wanting a child match.

 

In the time we were apart, I gorged myself on relationship psych and I feel so much better equipped to build a solid foundation in a relationship now. I have a whole toolbox of communication skills. There is so much you can learn from the experience of heartbreak to bulletproof your next relationship--whether it's with your ex or not!

 

So we are eight months out of reconciliation. We're still fire dancing, doing partner yoga, hiking, camping, laughing, sleeping in each other's arms and being together as much as we can. I enrolled in school during my breakup; I graduated with the support of my boyfriend; and now, ironically, that decision to go to school (improve myself) has freed me to move in town with my boyfriend, so we won't be an hour apart. We have agreed to be neighbors until he's at a point in life where we can completely merge our lives... which we both think would be the most beautiful thing to do.

 

Okay, LONG STORY!

 

In conclusion, to rant about NC in relationship to a lasting reconciliation (not a false recon, where you meet with the ex a few times, probably have ex sex, and then wonder why the ex went cold again): NC will not bring an ex back.

 

Your relationship prior to breakup will determine whether or not the ex returns (carpe diem, make it a good one!). But NC is your #1 tool to set the stage for a TRUE reconciliation. Without NC for both parties for a sufficient amount of time, the same problems are likely to repeat themselves.

 

If your ex is a ****ty person, NC will protect you. If your ex wants an ego boost, easy sex, entertainment at your expense, or idle comfort... NC will protect you. You are not open to false attempts at recon--only to real ones.

 

If you had an awesome relationship with your ex, and a GIGS-style breakup happened out of nowhere, due to a change in life circumstances, or perhaps because you were someone's first serious relationship... there is a good chance the ex will come back to you in the right way. If this happens, NC IS THE ONLY WAY TO PREPARE YOU AND YOUR EX for reconciliation!

 

YOU need to stay NC to remain centered in yourself. You can't ever lose yourself in a relationship. Breakups are a time of darkness, but in your darkest hour is when you have the opportunity to find your greatest strength. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Find happiness within yourself. (And yes, cry all you need to.)

 

YOUR EX NEEDS NC to feel the pain of your absence. If you respond to the first tug at your strings, it communicates that A) you are available [and therefore not absent] and B) LOW-VALUE because you are ACCEPTING COMMUNICATIONS FROM A PERSON WHO REJECTED YOU.

 

DO NOT ACCEPT COMMUNICATIONS FROM A PERSON WHO REJECTS YOU. If you lower your value, you will lose attraction and respect. Perceived low-value is a relationship killer. Desperation makes anybody run.

 

Your ex must be forced to come to the conclusion COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT OF YOU that he/she wants you back. Do not interfere with the process of them realizing they want you. Staying silent is the hardest thing to do, but you must. You have to trust that you are worth it (hence all the self-esteem building activities for YOU during NC). You have to believe that you are worth it!

 

The ex must feel the pain until the pain compels them to act.

 

You must have determined your own worth before this moment, and found the strength to set the bar for acceptable communications. I decided I wanted a face-to-face conversation. Nothing less was good enough. I had to KNOW that I deserved this and leave no other available option.

I live at home. When my ex came knocking, he knew full well my dad could have answered the door.

 

Would I have wanted him back if he was too chicken to show his face that the door? God no, why would I waste my time with a man who is a coward?

 

Finally, NC is important, because if you never reach out to the ex, it means you have moved on without them. You can take them or leave them; your happiness does not depend on the ex. Therefore, the ex cannot take you for granted. The ex must work to add to your happiness, because you are a strong, happy being, with or without them.

 

You MUST have faith in yourself and know you deserve happiness, whether from the ex or someone else. I often thought about NC as using the power of void or negative space to draw them back. The greatest gift--what your relationship doesn't necessarily want, but it may need--is the gift of your absence. It's true, it's really, truly, true, nobody knows what they have until it's gone.

 

If you send that happy birthday text, you're not really gone. Go ahead, disappear. I dare you. There's nothing to lose. Give yourself completely to yourself, because it is the best investment you'll ever make. If you were good to your ex and your ex has half a brain cell, they'll probably come around at some point.

 

But not until you've truly let go, because the universe is FREAKING WEIRD like that, and it's a breakup cliche that's absolutely true.

 

I've watched a few other friends flounder with breakups. None could stick to NC. All got back together... and broke up again, some multiple times.

 

If you use NC as an opportunity to go into your darkness, learn, and grow, you aren't the same person. It frees you from the past to make new and better decisions. Your old relationship failed, for whatever reason; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Learn. Grow.

 

Big thanks to those who wrote words of wisdom before me.

 

If I can leave any words of wisdom behind of my own, it is that while you cannot control if your ex returns, you can control whether or not to rebuild the relationship in a functional way, and you control that by executing NC. You can't build a relationship while broken, therefore you must remain NC to heal; you can't build a relationship with someone who is hurtful or selfish, therefore NC is your shield; if your relationship was good, and you do want them back, let your parting gift be the gift of your absence, to your ex and to yourself, so that you both may grow and learn. There are no guarantees, but it really is your best shot.

[Optimus12]

I want to thank you so much for this post. I broke it off bc of his lack of commitment and it's a little over 4 weeks NC. I have strong days and sad days. Im not even holding onto hope, im just trying to find my self worth and pursue my spiritual path.. I dreamt about him last night and woke up with such emotional pain. It's not how I wanted to start the day... But then I read your post and my mood did a 180. Thanks again for taking the time to share your story.

[rlhuk]

Fantastic post, thank you. Back to NC after 85 days which he broke. On day 2.

[beanpot]

This was beautiful. I've been reading for a little bit on this website (my situation is pretty fresh), but never posted. I registered specifically to thank you for this post. Thank you. Thank you. Updates and more thoughts would be welcome for the future! I would love to read them. I am sure we all would.

[icantsay]

This was a really beautiful post... Thank you for sharing this. Made me smile

[Sahin]

I'd like to thank you for this post. After 11 years of which almost 6 years marriage and 2 kids (2 and 4 yrs old), my wife left me almost 6 months ago. I have been clingy, needy and trying to reconcile for 5 months without success..She says she is done....

Mainly because she:

- Says that I wasn't involved in our family last 1-2 years

- Says that my mood swings made her walk on eggs

- Says that our relation was centered around me.

 

Even though I am conviced of the fact that most of these items are coming from within her and not neccesarily from my behaviour, it is really hard to have 5 months of breaking, crying and picking up the pieces back together each time she rejects me.

I finally decided to go NC mainly because I have to move on and get myself back on track and your post really inspired me deeply. You just nailed the reasons of doing so.

But I really which that she comes back one day, since I just do not believe that someone would stay when these issues would be around for 11 years, without pulling the plug earlier. For me it has been a meaningful relationship and I Always did the best I could, even though I have a temper.

...

What is your opinion regarding my break up, and how to keep NC with kids?

[BigKK]

hey blackcat, I remember your thread when you came here the first time. I hope you can stick around, sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and have incredible introspection and self-reflection in my book. Thanks for the follow up, keep us updated.

 

I think your post is absolutely spot on about no contact, and all the reasons we have to keep it. You also touch upon an interesting topic of shifting power.

[mhowe]

The ex must feel the pain until the pain compels them to act.

 

You must have determined your own worth before this moment, and found the strength to set the bar for acceptable communications. I decided I wanted a face-to-face conversation. Nothing less was good enough. I had to KNOW that I deserved this and leave no other available option.

I live at home. When my ex came knocking, he knew full well my dad could have answered the door.

 

Would I have wanted him back if he was too chicken to show his face that the door? God no, why would I waste my time with a man who is a coward?

 

100% Spot ON!!

 

When my break up happened many years ago, there was a night he pulled into my driveway. My heart raced --- and I went to the window to peek. He never got out of his car. At that point, we had been NC for about 2-3 months. The "old" me would have gone out. My lights were on and it was clear that I was home and awake. I realized that my racing heart meant I was not indifferent to seeing him, and that I wasn't ready. I did nothing. He left.

 

It would be another 6 weeks before he came to my door, telling me that he had made a huge mistake, and that he wanted a 2nd chance.

 

Great, great post OP>

[whybeautiful]

I'm a little confused by this post and the advice in general on this forum. So glad you reconciled with your ex and are happy now! However, from his perspective you were not answering him at all. He had to come approach you at your home. Since you were ignoring him, I wonder if he'd come to this forum and have said "she's ignoring me, I want her back" if people would have told him to respect your wishes and let you be.

 

How does this work?

[mhowe]

Not if he was the one who broke up with her and he came here and was able to communicate how and why the relationship ended, as well as what had changed and what he had to offer.

 

Most here who want to reconcile are the ones who were dumped. It doesn't work that way.