Feeling attached again to my ex, unsure what I should do now?

[vanilla27]

We ended badly as he was manipulative and once cheated during the relationship, I became depressed and he dumped me and later told me I'm paranoid and manic because I asked if he had cheated a third time. It was 9 months ago we broke up. Recently he contacted me grovelling and crying and wanted to be friends, so I agreed we'd talk occasionally but keep each other at arms length. Stupidly, I slept with him, as the conversation was very emotionally charged. I found out recently he had casual sex with another girl three days after that. (though I did say to him immediately after that it was a mistake).

 

He has been texting me a lot. The texts he sends to me are mostly nonsense, as opposed to real conversation, and he is sometimes drunk texting late at night. Often it turns sexual, I feel like it's all he wants me for, just for attention, an ego boost & sexual gratification without caring about me. I have been lonely and reciprocating. He refers to girls he has slept with since me (there's been 4 others, all on drunken nights out) and said 2 of them came back for more. It makes me feel crap. He recently told me he wants me to be 'owned' by him as he is very dominant, but when I asked if he would be exclusive he seemed reluctant. I was upset when I found out he slept with a 5th girl 3 days after me. What should I do? Ideally I want to forget & be happy on my own or with someone new but he is in my head.

 

If I cut him out, I am unsure how to go about it, his reaction worries me. I am scared if I say to him 'I no longer want to talk to you because I still have feelings for you and am hurt bla bla_____' he will say something back that is likely to upset me, intentionally or not, or that he will stop talking to me completely. I feel bad for wanting to cut him out because I'm not convinced he's done all of this purposely to hurt me. I could just point blank stop talking to him and block him from my life and social media entirely, but then I feel like I'd ruminate about what he thinks about it, and if he thinks I'm crazy. Or I could talk to him and slowly phase him out gradually, but then I'm worried I'll get over him more slowly as I'll struggle to talk to him less, as I generally don't feel good if he isn't giving me attention. My friends think I'll be a whole lot better off if I cut him out, but I'm just not sure. He can be lovely sometimes, but mostly I feel anxious and unhappy. What do you think I should do? I get so upset thinking about him with another girl, most of the girls have been casual but I do get jealous thinking about if he'll find a girl to date properly, though people around me tell me that he could never sustain a healthy relationship being this way.

[mhowe]

Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING has changed since he broke up with you the first time. He is sleeping with other women, you are acting depressed and manic.

[DoF]

Remember, he can only do what YOU ALLOW HIM TO. Currently, you are allowing him to have you as he pleases.

 

Ask yourself, is this the type of girl you are?

 

Here is what I would recommend:

a) get tested for STD. Use protection if you sleep with him again (which I would NOT recommend, ever again).

b) block him/ignore him completely (no explanation needed). In order for you to start the healing process you need to completely stop ANY communication with him.....for good. Remember, ANY contact = reset of all the time you spent healing.

c) Eat healthy diet and do a lot of physical activity on regular basis. This will enable you (in time) to be in a much better mental and emotional state. It will also make you less depressed/and more happy.

d) give it 3-6 months to completely get over him before you start dating again (no opposite sex contact during that time).

 

There is no friends, there is no relationship there is NOTHING. He is a dog and wants to use you, as simple as that.

 

Think about it, do you really think any good/smart man will ever consider you while you have friendship with your ex?

 

Good luck

[melancholy123]

My dear, you need to give your head a shake! Grow a backbone and stop communicating with this loser. He cheats on you, brags about it, get you into bed, treats you badly, and you want more! What's with that? You need to block him every which way you can TODAY. Quit talking to him. He's a real low life and dragging you down with him.

 

Take time to get over this, rebuild your self esteem, and then in maybe 6 months or more you might be ready for a relationship with someone new who will treat you better.

[Clinton]

Tell him you love him and you want to marry him and never leave him. Tell him you'll die without him and that you're OK with him sleeping around because all you really want is him in your life. Tell him he can do whatever he wants to, you just want him to be happy.

 

I'm sure at that stage you can have a relationship with him.

[Tanzi]

Urrrgh!!! For the love of God ..... get rid!

 

He wants to "own" you??? Who does he think he is?

 

There really is no reason why you can't cut him out of your life NOW. Phasing him out gradually is the worst idea ever because with the all the will in the world, you won't do any such thing. You will just continue to hang on to him in the same capacity that you are now. He will continue to manipulate you .... and you will continue to sleep with him. You will also continue to somehow convince yourself that he is doing all this because he actually cares and is just trying to get your attention!

 

This is not the stuff that healthy relationships are made of. It will never be what you are hoping it to be.

 

I'm sorry but this a NO BRAINER.

[Hollyj]

You know who he is. Why do you continue to put yourself in this place?

 

Please seek some counseling, to understand why you don't treat yourself better.

 

Got NC, and block. That's it. You're making this much more difficult than it has to be. Hon, he doesn't care about you, and you don't seem to care about you, either.

[vanilla27]

Thank you for your reply! The thing I'm most struggling with is that I do believe somehow deep down that he does care about me. I feel like he must miss me and that is why he texts me. But then I also feel that if he cared he wouldn't have treated me the way he did, unwittingly or not. I suppose I feel like I should cling on to the care he does have for me, no matter how miniscule. I've had a fairly bad family life since I was a child so I do seem to cling onto people who show me attention, which is bad as it results in situations like this. What if he does care about me? And I'm throwing that away? You're right, a smart man would not want to date me if they knew about my ex and that I was still interacting with him, which is/would be my main incentive to stop speaking to him as well as for my mental health.

[mhowe]

He doesn't care about you. That's the point of cheating and breaking up. He cares about himself.

[Tanzi]

All he has shown is how little he thinks of you, not how much.

 

You simply do not treat someone the way he treats you if you care about them. You are clinging to a false sense of hope.

 

He texts you because he wants sex, nothing more.

[Hollyj]

He's using you. I don't think he would have been with that other girl if he wanted something with you.

 

Is that all it takes is a few texts for you to believe he cares? That's not good! You expect very little!

 

He insults and cheats on you, then dumps you. He treats you like garbage.

 

Get some therapy!

[boltnrun]

Why do you dislike yourself so much?

[vanilla27]

I feel like maybe he can't help being the way he is, due to deep down insecurities and inadequacies, and that maybe on some level he does care about me because initially he wanted to be my friend and that's it (or so he said). Though I know if I was, say, in a relationship with someone else now, he wouldn't contact me anywhere near as much except maybe occasionally to ask how I am because he wants some attention. I know I have very low self esteem and should seek therapy. I worry about if it's all in my head; if he was with another girl and they were happy and healthy together. Mostly, I just long to be happy, and I wish I understood why he didn't care about me.

[Hollyj]

Good grief! He can help himself, unless he is mentally ill.

 

You need to look into co dependency. As you frame the characteristics .

 

If he didn't care before, he won't now. He does not care. He is using you. You need to follow people's actions.

 

You need therapy. Please don't date, until you learn to value yourself.

[Hollyj]

I guess it's easier to make excuses for people, then you don't have to face the truth.

 

If you continue your life down this road - being a doormat - you will be very unhappy. This is on you.

[boltnrun]

Sure, you can find excuses, bogus medical diagnoses, etc. to justify staying with him.

 

Sadly, where does that leave you? How about a year from now? 10 years from now?

[Tanzi]

I feel like maybe he can't help being the way he is, due to deep down insecurities and inadequacies, and that maybe on some level he does care about me because initially he wanted to be my friend and that's it (or so he said). Though I know if I was, say, in a relationship with someone else now, he wouldn't contact me anywhere near as much except maybe occasionally to ask how I am because he wants some attention. I know I have very low self esteem and should seek therapy. I worry about if it's all in my head; if he was with another girl and they were happy and healthy together. Mostly, I just long to be happy, and I wish I understood why he didn't care about me.

 

Of course he can help being the way he is ..... insecurities or not. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship then fine but to want to "own you" and to use you in the way he does is a conscious choice he is making because he wants sex and he doesn't care if you get hurt along the way. He is screwing other girls and messing with your head about it. He is totally toying with your emotions. You don't do that to someone you care about, so please, for your sake, stop kidding yourself.

 

When someone says they want to be friends with an ex, it has little to do with really being friends and is usually for their own selfish benefit and will undoubtedly be on their terms .... usually it just means sex without commitment. Rarely does it mean "friends" in the real sense of the word and, well, you don't want that anyway so whichever way you look at it, it makes no sense to choose the so-called "friends" option.

 

You know deep down he only contacts you when he wants some attention. You know this isn't real or right so if you really want to be happy then you need to kick out the person in your life who is making you unhappy!

[vanilla27]

Thank you again to people who have replied, I'm really trying to take it on board and finally cut him out of my life. I have a couple more things to say here first. What if he just doesn't realise I'm still into him, if he thinks I haven't told him to leave me alone yet because I don't actually mind the way he's behaving? As in, he has no idea it's messing with my head, because he thinks I want to use him for sex too? Does that make his actions any better? Or is there no two ways about it? He says he wants to own me but allow me to sleep with other people of his choice once he's 'trained' me, it's all a part of this fantasy he has, which I didn't mind before (everybody has fantasies right?) but now it seems absurd to expect it. What if he isn't intentionally messing with my head? What if he's not so bad after all? What if he does care?

 

It's true that his sole purpose with being friends was for selfish reasons. I generally don't think close friendship with exes is a good idea unless necessary i.e. if you have a child together. But he texts me everyday. I would love to meet someone who treats me right one day, for now I'd like to be single and work on myself and seek therapy. I just wish I knew for certain if he does care and if not, why not.

[mhowe]

There are no 2 ways about it and you are in deep denial.

 

He does not care. It doesn't matter why.

[Tanzi]

He knows you're into him. You have made that pretty clear by continuing to let him have his way with you despite his constant goading about these other girls. He knows you are into him. He can't not. He knows it .... and he likes it. He is manipulating you as he did before.

 

Secondly, even if there was a miniscule chance that he didn't know you were into him (and please don't take that as though I think he is because I don't) he is still treating you and these other women shockingly.

 

Thirdly, if he cared about you, he wouldn't throw what he's doing with these other women in your face. You're not horrible to him, you're not messing him around or seeing other guys so regardless of whether or not he knew you were into him he still has no reason to treat you the way he is.

 

There are no excuses for what he is doing. Nothing makes it better.

 

This is denial in epic proportions.

[Hollyj]

You had sex with him. I think that that is a pretty good indication.

 

Listen, you need to focus on how he treated you before: He was demeaning and cheated on you. This is all you need to know. I do not understand why you believe him to be different, or is incapable of controlling his actions. HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! Period. Wake up!!!!!

 

Someone that says that they want you sleep with others, does not give a crap about you. Why do you not seek help? You clearly do not respect, or like yourself.

[Hollyj]

"We ended very badly as he was quite manipulative and cheated during the relationship, I became depressed and he dumped me and later told me I'm paranoid, manic, crazy etc because I asked if he had cheated a third time (which wasn't actually true, but he reacted extremely badly to the suggestion). When we were together he was insensitive, selfish, arrogant and immature, all of which always left me feeling taken for granted and unhappy. I worked for his approval and it was draining."

 

"We dated for a year, he was emotionally manipulative, guilt tripped me and twisted things to be my fault so I'd end up apologising constantly. He’d neglect me to play video games, was reluctant to do anything out of the house - sex was the only time I felt he was interested in me & even then he wouldn't stop sometimes when I asked. He was aggressive and wore away at my already low self-esteem. He cheated twice & I forgave him (he lied about who it was that he had cheated with, too, but later I coerced the truth out of him) as he promised to change, but didn't."

 

"He has been texting me a lot, trying to get my attention, and I have replied, but then allowed the conversation to end (whereas before I'd try hard to keep it going). The texts he sends to me are usually absolute nonsense, as opposed to real conversation, and he is sometimes drunk and texting late at night. Often it turns sexual and I feel like it's all he wants me for, just for attention, an ego boost and sexual gratification without caring about me as a friend. I have been lonely and reciprocating the sexting, I am ashamed to admit. He sometimes refers to girls he has slept with since me (there's been 4 others, all on drunken nights out during roughly 7 months) and he said 2 of them he "had a few times" and talked about how he's had some "rave reviews" about his sexual abilities after asking me if he was good in bed and I said he was. It makes me feel crap that he would say things like that and plant those images in my head. It makes me wonder things like "why did those girls want to sleep with him again?", "what texts did they send to each other on those nights out?" "do they still speak now?". He told me he was just "milking the organ" and that it was casual, but it still made me feel gross."

 

This guy is a monster! You need to reread your threads, as it affects your emotional and mental well-being.

 

If you are in school, utilize the free counseling services. Because, you are clearly not seeing the emotional abuse that is going on.

[boltnrun]

You want so badly to believe he cares for you to justify allowing him to treat you horribly.

 

Why don't you like yourself?

[vanilla27]

Part of me seems to believe that he might not be fully aware I still have an attachment towards him, I've tried to disguise it, I've slept with him a couple of times since starting to talk again but I've also made it known that I've slept with/been sleeping with another guy (which he didn't seem threatened by until penis size/their ability in bed was mentioned....). So is it possible he thinks that neither of us care too much and that it's therefore fine to behave like this? He does mention it unnecessarily, about the other girls. He may think I just slept with him because I was sexually frustrated. Though he does know I'm not one for casual sex, whereas he is. I would like to seek help, I'm just not really sure how to go about it, I've just left university so I can't see the counsellors there anymore. I have no idea why I don 't like myself, I think it's because I've had a lot of family issues during my childhood, and I do have a tendency to try and find love and cling on because of that. I just want to know if there's something wrong with me as to why he does this I guess.

[boltnrun]

More excuses.

 

What's "wrong" with you is you don't like yourself, therefore you let him use and degrade you. A woman who loves herself and knows her worth would never put up with this, let alone make excuses for it.

 

You can keep allowing him to use and degrade you just so you can pretend someone "loves" you.

 

Remember you lose your right to complain about how he treats you when you willingly go along with it.

 

However, it doesn't have to be this way. All it takes is you saying "no more" and then blocking him from being able to contact you. And being strong and determined enough to never contact him again.