Good online dating sites?

[al7]

Remember how I said stuff finds you when you're not looking... I'm not looking, and some guy just asked me out yesterday.... we're going out later this week. I think that's just how it works. Stop looking.

 

Oh well.. I ssaid that before: if you are a girl (and you are) and you are young (and you are) then it works perfectly for you.

So sure, I agree you are right.

But I am not a girl and not young. If I am not looking girl wont find me...

see my point?

[ShySoul]

annie24, your right. Stop looking. When you spend your time trying to find something then your probably just going to end up alone and frustrated. Either you won't find anyone to go out with or you'll go out with people and be discouraged when it doesn't work out. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, that's my motto. If you don't expect anything and aren't looking for love, you'll be surprised and happy when it does happen.

 

Yeah, I'm not a girl but that is how it works. Every time I've been interested in someone it happened when I wasn't looking for anything to happen. True, when you do run accross something you have to take a chance and go for it which has been my problem. But you shouldn't worry about finding those opportunites, those opportunities will come to you when you least expect it.

[al7]

annie24, your right. Stop looking. When you spend your time trying to find something then your probably just going to end up alone and frustrated. Either you won't find anyone to go out with or you'll go out with people and be discouraged when it doesn't work out. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, that's my motto. If you don't expect anything and aren't looking for love, you'll be surprised and happy when it does happen.

 

Yeah, I'm not a girl but that is how it works. Every time I've been interested in someone it happened when I wasn't looking for anything to happen. True, when you do run accross something you have to take a chance and go for it which has been my problem. But you shouldn't worry about finding those opportunites, those opportunities will come to you when you least expect it.

 

NOw I got you. Yes the level of _expectations_ should be very low. Thats right. But 1) I have to at least to expose myself to social situation 2) know what to do and not fear to approach and talk.

Thats what I meant. If course you already ahve enough social tnings going on and approach girls without any fears - you might not even think about that kinda stuff.

[Beec]

With regard to al7's comment:

 

Desparate is the opposite of aloof. The desparate partner clings to you and locks you away from your friends and family. Stop you from having an incependent existence. In Seinfeld parlance, your independent george would be killed.

 

Aloof means a carefree attitude.

 

Now, if you can not care about getting a response, then you go up and say hello to the people you pas during the day, soon someone will respond, and more than one probably. Soon someone will talk to you.

 

That is when you listen.

[al7]

With regard to al7's comment:

 

Desparate is the opposite of aloof. The desparate partner clings to you and locks you away from your friends and family. Stop you from having an incependent existence. In Seinfeld parlance, your independent george would be killed.

 

Aloof means a carefree attitude.

 

Now, if you can not care about getting a response, then you go up and say hello to the people you pas during the day, soon someone will respond, and more than one probably. Soon someone will talk to you.

 

That is when you listen.

 

Defintely agree. Carefree attitude is a great thing (way better than being deperate... who argues?) that I have to develop.

What should I do to get it? Combat my overthinking first (that just freezes me with million sof negative thoughts) or try to build up carefree thinking? How?

[Beec]

Well, you script a few words just to open up a comment.

 

First, as I told al7, just start greeting people. A simple hi or hello will do, but a "good morning" is better. You by saying that have jsut giving people an invitation to talk to you.

 

And when you do it for the third time to the cute nerd chemistry girl, and she tells it to her friends, in a short while they'll say: "Oh that's al7, he's nice. He always says hello to me."

 

The big thing is that if you make yourself say it. Soon, you won't care if everyone responds. And you'll see people will respond. You'll begin with a "hello", then move to "how are you". If you ask how are you, listen and let them know you listened.

 

When you are greeting everyone and it begins to feel normal. Start looking at people and find something you like that they have on or with them.

 

Tell a girl:

 

"those are cool earrings" or "I like your earrings"

 

You can do this with anything, glasses, bags, shoes, whatever.

 

It's your next thign past "how are you"

[al7]

Well, you script a few words just to open up a comment.

 

First, as I told al7, just start greeting people. A simple hi or hello will do, but a "good morning" is better. You by saying that have jsut giving people an invitation to talk to you.

 

And when you do it for the third time to the cute nerd chemistry girl, and she tells it to her friends, in a short while they'll say: "Oh that's al7, he's nice. He always says hello to me."

 

The big thing is that if you make yourself say it. Soon, you won't care if everyone responds. And you'll see people will respond. You'll begin with a "hello", then move to "how are you". If you ask how are you, listen and let them know you listened.

 

I feel that is a godd approach and I am doing this.. but it goes slowly.

What do you mean by "let them know you listened"? Just keep eyecontact while they respond?

[annie24]

Say you ask, "How's it going?" And then they say, "Great! I'm going on vacation next week." When they get back, ask them how it was. Obviously, also keep up eye contact.

[Beec]

What do you mean by "let them know you listened"? Just keep eyecontact while they respond?

 

Well, eye contact and maybe a response. If they say they don't feel well, "hope you feel better." If they say a cursory "Fine", say "Good". If they say good and yourself, say thanks and respond.

[OceanEyes]

I'm not sure if you're still on the subject of dating sites (as the topic seems to have veered off a bit), but I have a few things to add regarding dating sites.

 

Of course every woman is different, and wants to be approached in different ways. I think what's important is actually reading her profile information. I signed up for Lavalife a couple of years ago for fun with a girlfriend, and found that most guys do the same things:

 

- They never seem to read the "fine print". In other words, they will ask you really silly questions like, "how old r u" or "where u from". These questions are so simply answered by just *reading* a little bit. If you have a bit of background information on her, it is so much easier to start a conversation, and to keep it going.

 

- If you are 'approaching' a woman who seems very smart and articulate, PLEEAASSE refrain from using an over-abundance of internet acronyms and netspeak. Maybe it's just me and I'm being picky, but for some reason, I feel that it's SO lazy (and sometimes incoherent) to use netspeak or too many internet acronyms. It just doesn't sit well with me at all.

 

- Be yourself and don't lie. If you end up meeting this girl, she's going to see that you're not 6'2/ muscular/ sarcastic/ outgoing. She will see straight through you within about 15 minutes of meeting you. Why bother lying or pretending to be someone you're not? The truth comes out eventually, and it saves both of you time and hurt feelings to just be honest.

 

I once had a guy tell me that he was "tall and slim", but when I met him, he was barely at eye level to me and had a beer belly (which is okay, but the lying bit wasn't).

 

I remember reading someone say "no baseball caps". But, if you're a baseball cap type-of-guy, wouldn't you want to attract a girl who found that attractive, as opposed to one who would be offended/ dislike it if you wore a hat? I agree with the part about the sunglasses though (unless your photo is of you outside, somewhere hot or something like that).

 

I just found that a lot of guys came on too strong, and many did seem kind of desperate. A rough estimate of how many guys I spoke to/ chatted with and the amount that I actually agreed to meet was about 50/3. Try to relax and be yourself, people who try to hard, lie, or seem very uptight ususally don't have much success with dating PERIOD.

[al7]

Very good post, I mean intention are great!

Could you provide some info about:

1. I dont like to talk on the phone before the first date.

Could I do anything to set up a date in internet without phone convo?

Maybe give her additional info about myself to cover "security issues"?

2. Could you elaborate a bit on " guys came on too strong"?

What do you mean.. any specifics\examples?

[annie24]

Al! What are you doing? Calm down calm down. If you can't even have a 4 minute conversation before the first date, I don't understand how you have the confidence to even leave the house in the morning. I've already told you how men have set up dates with me w/o using the phone. Security issues - meet at Starbucks. End of story.

[al7]

Al! What are you doing? Calm down calm down. If you can't even have a 4 minute conversation before the first date, I don't understand how you have the confidence to even leave the house in the morning. I've already told you how men have set up dates with me w/o using the phone. Security issues - meet at Starbucks. End of story.

 

I just see that YOU are very confident person, and you are confident about your security. Even here you are confident eough to say "Shut up, shut up"

 

You see, some women for some reason want to gain more confidence before the first meeting. They do lack it. I dont see it as a good thing though.

 

I am not confident, but hunger gets me up and pushed to work and grocery stores... End of story?

[annie24]

No - I'm not telling you to shut up, I'm telling you to take a chill pill. Some women don't need to talk on the phone before meeting at starbucks. But, if someone wants to chat on the phone for 10 minutes before the first date, I don't see what the big deal is.

[al7]

No - I'm not telling you to shut up, I'm telling you to take a chill pill. Some women don't need to talk on the phone before meeting at starbucks. But, if someone wants to chat on the phone for 10 minutes before the first date, I don't see what the big deal is.

 

I wish I had that amout of confidence you have. Oh! maybe you can share some ideas - how did you gain it? Seriously?

I think it is way better to be a confident extrovert (I am sure you are on of them) than a shy (or almost shy) introvert.

 

Anyway, I'd take the chill pill, no problem. What store sells it? I'll buy 5 year supply

Agree, some women do not need to talk to... I remember first time I met such an extroverted apprioach in internet I chicken out. She said: "so.. lets just meet and see.. why to waste time?" Now I see it as some blessing!

I am very shy in some specific situation with starngers, with non-strangers I am not that shy at all.

 

For me talk on the phone is a big deal: some women simple do not pick up the phone for various reasons and tend not to return voice messages.

I dont go deep why they do it.. but I just dont like being in limbo.

Next, when I dont see a person I cannot come up with something

natural, authentic.. it is usually somethgin borring.. so.. what did you study? Oh I see.. Did you travel a lot? .. etc etc"

On the actual date I see her reactions, I can start telling her a story a funny one or not very funny one... and see how she reacts.

On teh phone it is very hard, I cant just start with a story...

I ask tons of questions... which is not super bad but not good either.

[OceanEyes]

Could you provide some info about:

 

1. I dont like to talk on the phone before the first date.

Could I do anything to set up a date in internet without phone convo?

Maybe give her additional info about myself to cover "security issues"?

 

2. Could you elaborate a bit on " guys came on too strong"?

What do you mean.. any specifics\examples?

 

I don't know about the ladies you're talking to, but I wouldn't just go out and meet a strange guy from the internet without talking to him a couple of times over the phone. That alone is 50% of my screening process -- do you have ANY idea how much you might discover about someone by just hearing them speak over the phone?

 

For example, I was seriously considering meeting a guy, I liked the way he sounded in text, was very respectful, etc. About 3 minutes into the phone conversation, he started with the really personal questions, got sexual, etc. It was way too soon for me, so I told him that I would have to get back to him about 'a date'. When I didn't return his phone calls, he started calling me obsessively. Do you see what I'm trying to say here? WHO KNOWS what a psycho he might have been in person!?

 

If you're looking for sex right away, say that in your profile. Believe me, there are a lot of women who might be into the same thing. This isn't one of those things that 'goes without saying', is "assumed", or that you should surprise a woman with.

 

The "coming on too strong" relates to what I was saying above. I found that some guys got too personal/ sexual, too soon. Also, some would get 'pissy' if they knew that I was chatting with other people. I can't speak for every woman, but these things are a total turnoff for me, regardless of the famous line, "I can't help it, I'm a guy". Well, I wouln't even give one of these dudes my phone number, let alone agree to meet them in person.

 

The best way to go about setting up a meeting with a girl from a dating site, is to get to know her a bit before you meet her. There will be less tension, and you will both feel more at ease. Heck, if you are too nervous to even call a girl before you meet her, how on earth are you going to sit accross from her and hold a conversation? Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

You're going to have to try to relax, realize that even if things don't work out, that it is not the end of the world. It doesn't even matter if the date goes horribly, at least you'll have something funny to tell your friends about. What, really, do you have to lose? She agreed to go out with you because she saw something interesting, all you have to do is relax, and try to go with the flow. If you're always a bundle of nerves, then I don't think that a dating site is the right place for you to meet women.

[al7]

OceanEyes, great post! Good points!

 

"he started with the really personal questions, got sexual, etc"

Sure if he switched his respectuful style to "lets have sex" on the phone.. welll.. he is a real real weirdo....I cant even imagine it!

Though I tend to be curious and ask a lot of questions on the phone or on the date. What things you would consider "really personal" so ask about them would be a turn off?

 

I do not prefer to speak onthe phone not cuz I am nervous.

You see on the date eveything is open: you see the person, you hear her well, you see her reactions, you can even... smell her.

 

On the phone 1. I cant see her so I cant say how she reacts...if she listens to me or just got bored...I cant start telling her a story - I dont she if she is ok with it, or not. I dont see her gestures...nothing.

2. Sometimes when speaking on a cell phone quality of sound is not great. I miss some word as well as she misses some of mine.

3. Some girls are very confused listening to my accent for the first time on the phone even if they know about. But no one is confused on a real date.

Hope it is more clear now.

 

So ok, let me put it this way: what should I do, not do or give her more info in order to show her I am not a sex maniac\weirdo\etc?

Yes we exchanged enough emails, yes it seems we may proceeed to the next level which is either phone or real date. But I'd rather go on a real date. I am just better in person.

What should I do besides establishing some trust, getting to know each other in emails which I already did?

[Beec]

al7, admit your accent up front, let them know first. Then explain that you don't like talking on the phone much because you think your accent makes it difficult for people to understand you. I'd tell a joke like, "People say that over the phone I sound like a yodeler talking to them through long culvert. In person, it does not seem to be as much of a problem."

 

(You come up with your own description, or ask someone else to describe it. Say you sound like Boris from the Bullwinkle series, the robot or a spy from some movie, or whatever. Mkae it slightly humorous.)

 

Then when you do call, if you leave a message, you can say "Hello, this is (al7), the guy who sounds like the yodeler. I am sitting here on the far end of the culvert. Sorry, I did not reach you, but please call me back at _________. I plan on getting the water here by the culvert, so I can dry my feet and get warm. But I should not be going too far away."

 

So, ladies what would you think of a message like this??

[annie24]

I was watching "Sex and the City" last night. Carrie had a good quote, "The first date is like a job interview, but with c0cktails." It's so true! As for worrying how not to sound like a weirdo or sex maniac, just think of the kinds of things you may discuss in an informal job interview or over lunch with a co-worker you don't know well. For example, where you went to college, where does your family live, how were your holidays, nice weather we're having... etc. Obviously, no mention of sex, BDSM, the last time you got drunk and puked all over the place.... you get the point.

 

Cause, you kinda are "interviewing" for the job of boyfriend/bed buddie/whatever.

 

I think Beec's example is kinda cute. It shows you can laugh at yourself, which is a good trait.

[al7]

Beec,

 

Of course humor is a wonderful thing to use in any situation.

You humorous example is good and I guess show quite funny and confident guy.

 

I dont hide and also do not show off my accent. It is not somehting people like. I say about it in 2nd or 3rd email.

Does it seem resonable?

 

Beec, if I say something like that explicitly "don't like talking on the phone much because you think your accent makes it difficult for people to understand you" than no lady would even thought about talking to me

again. either she would think I hide something else or she would just though I am too shy and cuz of that - too unattarctive to her.

I think saying that _explicitly_ might just scare off 99% of females.

Ladies, what do you think?

[al7]

I was watching "Sex and the City" last night. Carrie had a good quote, "The first date is like a job interview, but with c0cktails." It's so true! As for worrying how not to sound like a weirdo or sex maniac, just think of the kinds of things you may discuss in an informal job interview or over lunch with a co-worker you don't know well. For example, where you went to college, where does your family live, how were your holidays, nice weather we're having... etc. Obviously, no mention of sex, BDSM, the last time you got drunk and puked all over the place.... you get the point.

 

Cause, you kinda are "interviewing" for the job of boyfriend/bed buddie/whatever.

 

I think Beec's example is kinda cute. It shows you can laugh at yourself, which is a good trait.

 

annie24,

I was wondering what to say in order to avoid the first phone conversation and move right to the actual first date.

I know what not to say... The problem is what to say to be excused

by not calling her but rather meeting her in person?

[annie24]

Al... honestly, there's nothing you can say. If an internet guy were to give me some reason why he can't talk on the phone before our date, I would assume that he's married, engaged, weird, or not a man. Date would be off, and I'd never contact him again.

 

Now, I've already told you how I've gone out with guys before talking to them on the phone first. However, if the girl would like to talk on the phone, give her your number and mention that you have heavy accent. In the meantime, you can go to a speech therapist to get rid of your accent (or, at least to make yourself a little easier to understand). When I was in elementary school, I was forced to get rid of my accent by the teachers. They signed me up for speech therapy, and now, it's 99% gone.

[Beec]

I was watching "Sex and the City" last night. Carrie had a good quote, "The first date is like a job interview, but with c0cktails." It's so true! As for worrying how not to sound like a weirdo or sex maniac, just think of the kinds of things you may discuss in an informal job interview or over lunch with a co-worker you don't know well. For example, where you went to college, where does your family live, how were your holidays, nice weather we're having... etc. Obviously, no mention of sex, BDSM, the last time you got drunk and puked all over the place.... you get the point.

 

Cause, you kinda are "interviewing" for the job of boyfriend/bed buddie/whatever.

 

I think Beec's example is kinda cute. It shows you can laugh at yourself, which is a good trait.

 

Thanks annie, mostly for showing how to write c0ck and not get censored. Also for agreeing with me on the example.

 

al7, if you expose your accent in this manner, she will be attracted to you before she thinks about whether she likes the accent or not or whether she should consider you or not. In fact, if she was going to jsut refuse to date you for being from another country, this is the most likely thing I could think of that would make her say: "well, he's not my type, I don't like foreign guys, but he seems fun, so maybe I'll just go on a date with him and enjoy it", which to me is all the opening you should need.

[al7]

Al... honestly, there's nothing you can say. If an internet guy were to give me some reason why he can't talk on the phone before our date, I would assume that he's married, engaged, weird, or not a man. Date would be off, and I'd never contact him again.

 

Now, I've already told you how I've gone out with guys before talking to them on the phone first. However, if the girl would like to talk on the phone, give her your number and mention that you have heavy accent. In the meantime, you can go to a speech therapist to get rid of your accent (or, at least to make yourself a little easier to understand). When I was in elementary school, I was forced to get rid of my accent by the teachers. They signed me up for speech therapy, and now, it's 99% gone.

 

Interesting and informative.

So I can eliminate some obvious stuff: somehow assure her I am 1) single 2) not engaged 3) not a gay (did you mean that by "not a man"?

Weird... hmm..thats obviously hard to alleviate.

woudl it help if i say up front " iam weird and dont like to talk to the phone much?

 

Obviously if she wants to talk on the phone and insists on doing that...it is clear what I should do.

But lot of times I established some coonection with a girl, and it is a number to get to a next level.. talk\meet her. When I say somehting about it, she is not saying anything. I talk with her more, ask again.. and again she didnt "notice" may idea about getting together. I assumed she wants to talk on the phone first which I would not prefer to do.

 

What kinda accent you had?

 

You see, when you are in high school you dont really need a speech therapist, the accent will go away naturally. when you are a grown up

you can work your as* off and still sounds like an alien.

I have 4 people helping me with English. And unfortinately from what I see, they cannot help me much...

Professional speech therapist charge $264 per hour, I dont think

I can afford that luxury.

 

ANyway, the main point is not only about the accent. The first phone talk is always awkward and poor. The first date is always clear and rich in terms of information. I cant see positive sides of a girl on the phone,

I might notice some "minuses" though. Plus the accent. Plus poor cell phone quality. You see now the situation?

[al7]

al7, if you expose your accent in this manner, she will be attracted to you before she thinks about whether she likes the accent or not or whether she should consider you or not. In fact, if she was going to jsut refuse to date you for being from another country, this is the most likely thing I could think of that would make her say: "well, he's not my type, I don't like foreign guys, but he seems fun, so maybe I'll just go on a date with him and enjoy it", which to me is all the opening you should need.

 

I want to ask you something:

1. Do you think having an accent is a neutral thing (for a woman toknow)?

2. Do you think having an accent is a turn on (for her)?

I am sure we have two NOs here.

 

if do, then it is obviously a non-positive feature. Why would I want to advertise it in the very beginning?

 

Example: Assume I have big, long, unhandsomely protruding ears that just dont not contribute to a good look. Now, it is a non-positive thing. In fact this non-positive thing is a turn off.

Do you think telling her about my "ears" in the very beginning would do any good?