Our Freedom Plan

[Lucia Amman]

My body feels sour from yesterday. My daughter turned ten. She thought it was very special. All her birthdays always disappoint her eventually. It never meets her high expectations. But it seems she finally somewhat learns how to overcome it faster and enjoy what is.

 

Not a lot of people could make it because of trains, vacation and I don't know what. It was still busy, we had the perfect weather and threw on the bbq. The people who were there enjoyed themselves and I did and my daughters did too.

 

Their dad was there. I almost picked one fight but I breath in deeply and breath out slow and I could manage myself to concentrate on the birthday. Not him. Still there were these little irritations. The way he said things. The way he thinks his word are the most truthful. The way he doesn't seem to notice if people are disagreeing with him and he keeps on stating his point of view. I want to shout: ‘No one is agreeing with you! Stop talking!’ I feel misplaced ashamed for him. After such encounters I always wanted to 'teach him' that he should stop earlier. That birthdays aren't the place and time to get into arguments. That no one is interested.

 

After ten years I safely can say he never learned. And it makes me cringe. I feel ashamed if he does that. I feel sorry for him for the way people look at him. Disappointed.

 

Then he suddenly talks about our kids. He had them for a full week (actually three but two of them he was on vacation with them). And he says what time they go to bed. I can see every one is surprised. It isn't a good surprise. They go to bed at 12 o'clock, midnight. They are seven and ten. He doesn't notice the shock from my mom. I breath in and out. Not the place, not the time.

 

But in my head I wonder how I can gently say this to him after the party. Or should I pick a fight over this because nothing that I say to him he will ever agree too. He will say: 'it's vacation' and 'they sleep in my arms at ten o'clock' and I will say how that's not the point. That he cannot be the 'fun' parent but he also needs to start parenting them. He isn't their friend. I cannot be the only parent for them.

 

I wish he would naturally understand these things.

 

Tomorrow my daughters come home. I'm looking forward to have them for two full weeks again. To surround them with my love. To give them structure. To have them home safe and sound. Our freedom in house.

[Lucia Amman]

Looking back. I often look back in pain at my past relationship. It's so hard to admit where and how it all went wrong. Making mistakes is normal but to be honest to myself that my judgement of him was so off... I've always thought I had a good sense and knowledge of human nature. We have a word for that in dutch 'mensenkennis'. But I was off with him.

 

To be fair a lot of people that know him or get to know him always think he is such a nice person. He comes of as a decent, good and respectful guy. When I broke up with him I was very afraid my mom wouldn't understand. I didn't want to explain to her what was wrong. After three months I finally had the guts to tell her. And yes she cried a little. But she cried because I wasn't happy. Not because I broke up. She said in the most caring and loving way to me: ‘Some people always stay restless in their hearts. You're one of them and I understand that even though it's not something I've ever experienced.’ It was the most heartwarming comment she ever made about me. We are so different from each other. That she could understand that and acknowledge that it was ok was for the first time and it felt it came from her heart.

 

The reasons I broke up with him. I never could tell other people. I protected him from the harsh opinions and judgements some people would have made if I told them. In fairness I probably protected myself as well. The fear of looking stupid to ever have loved this guy if they knew the truth. But till this day I still can feel the sorrow for him. I feel sorry for who he is and that he can't change the stuff that I hate about him. That everyone would hate.

 

There were cracks everywhere in our relationship. Although I never wanted to marry him I was open to the idea of it. He never was. He laughed at me if I would bring it up and saying marriage is 'just a paper'. But he was married before so I felt kind of betrayed in that way that he didn't even liked the idea of marrying me.

 

He had two cats that were there before I met him. He loved them like his children. I was allergic. I got severe asthma attacks because of the cats. I loved them too. No doubt. So I put up with it. But I did ask him if there was maybe a way we could get them to another lovely home. Maybe his parents or his sister. He ditched the idea. Until my condition became so bad, I was sick for three months and it definitely had to do with the cats. He finally asked around and one family member lovingly took the cats into her home. I understand it was a hard decision. But did it had to take more than 5 years to make?

 

He still had intimate contact with his exgirlfriend long before me. I could see she still loved him. I invited her over to dinner but she didn't dare to come - which for me was a sign to mistrust their relationship. He put on Facebook he still had a special place in his heart for her. I asked him to remove it, he laughed it off and said it wasn't such a big deal. It was big deal to me. 'It's only a joke,' he said smiling. It drove me insane.

 

He would tell me when I was irrationally angry that I was acting like a child. That I should listen to him, that no one else but him would put up with my behavior. If I was feeling upset he would laugh at me and say I had nothing to be upset about, I had nothing to worry about: he did that for us. When I didn't wanted to go out he would say I was wasting my life.

 

He come home late every day from work. He would go to the gym even before he came home. When our children grew older he understood that he would have to come home a bit earlier so we could have dinner together. So he rescheduled his gym visits. He would come home, eat dinner with us, bring the kids to bed and go to the gym. I would be alone 5 days a week every night when the children were sleeping for seven years. We never went to bed at the same hour and again he would laugh at me for needing so much sleep 'you look like an old woman!'

 

In the weekends he needed to go to the gym too. But it was only open till 2:00 PM. So if we wanted to do something it was only after 2:00 PM that he had time for us, his family. The last three years he finally ditched his weekend gym routine to do stuff with his kids. Again it were the kids that made him see that he wasn't there enough to give them full attention. But what about me? Why didn't he wanted to do those things for me?

 

I couldn't go out. Because he had his gym appointment. If I wanted a hobby that was the evening too he made it look like a huge sacrifice for him to me. I went to yoga class but I could only go on Saturday mornings. He didn't want to lose his gym nights for me. That he already had 5 of the 7 days in the week didn't matter: 'I've been doing this since I was 16. I will get fat if I stop going to gym! Find something that isn't during those hours, there must be enough for you.' I could jump and high and low, his body fitness was more important than my mental health.

 

We never had an babysit. He disliked the idea. He never wanted to go out to dinner with just me. He said he would miss his kids too much. He never wanted to go on a small weekend getaway. The kids needed to come with us. 'I only see my kids in the weekend. During the week I'm at work, sure you must understand that?'

 

Sure I understood that you didn't wanted time alone with me. Your partner. The one you suppose to love.

 

He didn't like to cuddle with me. He didn't like a quicky either. I felt exhausted when he came home late at night after the gym. So no I didn't want to have long loving sex. I try to tell him that I probably would like that again if we had more sex to begin with. That we should start with quickies, that it would be the glue for longer sex. He didn't see the point. He didn't want quickies so why should he do that.

 

Looking back I see that it was all about what He wanted. And it never crossed his mind that I had an opinion too that mattered. The only reason why he would listen to me or do something for me was if it was in benefit of the children.

 

After we broke up he would say to me that I would never find a man that would love me. 'Yeah, sure they want sex with you, you're a pretty and young woman still. But they never will love you. Do you think you'll find another man that will love you like I did? That will be trustworthy? He only wants you for the sex. And you have our two children to care for, no man wants to take care of children that aren't his own!' He didn't say it when he was angry. He just said it plain and simple like it was some sort of truth I didn't understand and needed to hear. He said it 100x times. Now I would laugh at him. Such a poor perception of humans. He must be so poor if he really thinks that about other people. If he really thinks that only people will stay with you if you've something to contribute. He was so wrong. Even I knew that before I had found someone who was willing to love me and my kids.

[Lucia Amman]

I forget my boyfriend was in the same group app. So I was talking with my sister and mom in the group and said my boyfriend couldn't take a day off his job for a funeral I wanted to attend. Which was fine. I didn't really want to ask him. It was from my aunt who died at 102 years old.

 

My boyfriend texted me in private 'I can take Tuesday off from work.' And I was thinking, well that's a coincidence, when it hit me he was reading in the same group app!

 

I love this simple gesture from him. It made my day. He will take my kids to the fun fair that's now in town.

 

Plus last night we were just chatting and I feel like a total mess lately. He suddenly said: ‘I really appreciate what you're doing lately. When you're angry you immediately say you're not angry at or with me but just at yourself or about something else. It makes me feel so much better and then I can actually help you.’

[Lucia Amman]

Yesterday we got sunburned, sands on our pillows and sour legs and feet.

 

After yoga we went to the small beach that's near our house. We settled ourselves on the dock of a restaurant all day and the kids played in the water and on the beach. Three other friends came over and the kids played together and we had a great time drinking wine and eating snacks. I forgot to buy ourselves dinner (I didn't thought we would stay that long) and were invited to join dinner with one of our friends.

 

We stayed till late at night and it was spontaneous but felt like a little party. We ate soup, bread and spreads and salad. Our other friend said next time he would bring dinner with him and ate it our place. All three friends are single by the way (one has two kids). I felt so enormously blessed. I never had this, the spontaneity of hanging out with each other, the mix of friends (one was friends with the other but not much with us etc) and one whole day of hanging out with each other.

 

There was zero effort and only joy. Today we are going to the cinema too with our kids and the single friend with her kids.

 

My boyfriend has so many friends. And normally I'm not a big friend of many friends but I've known them now for over a year and I can say they're all so gentle and good people. There is never a fight, arguments or anything. No one is acting too cheap and if someone really can't pay for stuff they all dive in and are ok with paying for that one friend and share the rest of the bill with the other friends. It goes easy and almost without saying.

 

I'm going to see my own friends coming week and there are two of my best friends in many ways. I love them and hanging out with them. And I appreciate for being friends with them since there was a time I didn't had any friends at al.

 

Sometimes I need to pinch myself and see if I'm not dreaming. I have lovely kids, the best boyfriend and tons of friends suddenly. A beautiful house and loving family.

 

I'm blissfully happy. I couldn't have wished for a better life than this.

[Lucia Amman]

I've the feeling I've nothing to tell. My feelings are nothing but good and uplifting and one of my few concerns is that these feelings are only temporary.

 

We're living together now since seven months. We rebuilt the living room/kitchen area and yes it took a big toll on our daily life's but nothing we couldn't handle. We ate lots of pizza's, got some food from my mom and had dinner two times a week at his parents house (with the children). In addition to the free meal plan we had it also helped the children and his parents to vastly get to know each other and mend a bond. My children now see them as a their extra set of grandparents and enjoy visiting them. My boyfriends brother even spoke about it a few weeks ago. He thanked me for bringing (my) kids into the life's of his parents because it really has brought them a new meaning into their life's.

 

And as good as it goes with the extra pair of grandparents so it goes with the children and my boyfriend. Even before we're all living together they bonded so enormously vast with my boyfriend it was quite hard to understand even for us! We did try to see how it would work of course so we went on some weekend-vacations. My youngest daughter never was really a concern because she is so open-minded to other people and has a very considerate nature. Even when she was four she would go above and beyond to make it comfortable for her friends. My stepbrother once even was stunned at her ability to notice that he didn't want to play along with his nieces and nephews anymore and my daughter said to them: 'come, let's play a different game.' So I wasn't afraid on how she would react to my boyfriend. She goes along fine with most kindhearted people. I was bit more afraid for my oldest. She is overly sensitive, older, more loyal to her dad and not particular social like her younger sister. She is social but more the type that likes to already know everyone before she truly warms up. But after a second weekend trip she asked for a goodnight kiss from my boyfriend as well. My youngest already was calling him 'dad' by that time.

 

Shortly after we celebrated Christmas at my mom's house and my kids were literally hanging onto my boyfriend. My oldest often needs some 'time out' from the business that family gatherings are and so she sat on his lap for cuddles and some quiet time. They both were extremely cuddling him and where they often would seek for their dad or me they now sought out my boyfriend or me. And both called him dad. My family was surprised to see this, it looked like my kids and my boyfriend knew each other for years already. While in fact it was only four months.

 

They don't call him dad anymore. Only to their friends they say 'that's my stepdad' or just 'dad'. This evening my oldest said to him: 'you're my second dad' and it was for the first time since a long while. We don't want them to think they need to call him dad so we just let them and see where it goes. I think in the beginning they just liked the novelty of using 'daddy' for another man that they seemed to love almost equally as their dad. And now the relationship is secure (we're living together) and there is no need to call him dad anymore. They do call him their 'big friend'. And miss him even more than me often times.

 

I must add that their actual dad never made any comment about this and equally let them play the field of names to call my boyfriend. I think in his heart he's happy and grateful that his kids are happy with my boyfriend as well. He talks to my boyfriend and we had dinner with the five of us and we see each other on birthday parties. We have friendly talks affront of our children. And they like to sit between their 'two dads', so they say, and no one tries to blink their eyes.

 

But it's hard sometimes to talk about this with friends who have a more negative experience and I feel I need to bottle up my joy and luck and keep it to myself. I don't want to come off as brag and consistently say how happy I'm with everything. So I complain about my ex, how he's always late, still doesn't pay child support and how the communication is a little bit flawed. The downside of this is that I feel to estrange my friends. I'm having a marvelous time and I can hardly talk about it. Of course I did tell them in the beginning how everything went. And yes my friends do care for me and are really happy for me. They are not bad at all. But I know how it must feel for them and I just can't expect them to always listen to my positive stories.

 

I sometimes hold on to stories I want to tell. For example my mom already bought me a birthday present. Normally I would have shared it immediately with a friend but she was having a bad day so I kept it to myself. I will wait till next week. It feels ridiculous and it's such a minor thing to do. But I feel it's for the best to keep the balance in our relationship. She tells something bad, I complain a bit about life and then I wait till she has a positive thing in her life and I can show her my early birthday present.

 

As for my boyfriend; I hardly talk about him to my friends because it feels ridiculous to say it all the time how much I love him and how every day it gets even better. It's kinda sad that I feel this way. But I don't think it would go away very soon.

[Silverbirch]

I think your ex might be gay or he was sleeping with somebody else. Must have been hard being with somebody like that.

[Lucia Amman]

Silverbirch, I'm pretty sure he slept with someone else. Although I have no evidence whatsoever. I only once caught him on the phone with a colleague but he called her 'honey'... I once was at a playground with my children and that woman came up to me (I never had seen her before) asked me if I was the mother of those children and said she recognized them from photo's my boyfriend showed her at work. I hardly recognize my own children in such a big playground. It just felt very off. I actually wanted to ask her if she had an affair with him but I stopped myself. Because I knew I wouldn't get the truth that way and I frankly didn't care that much either at that point.

 

Tonight we're going to have a double date with my oldest brother and his wife. It was my own idea but I've mixed feelings. My oldest brother and me have zero common interest and we hardly see each other except on the usual birthday and celebration occasions. He often makes weird comments about my lifestyle or choices (for example that I'm a 99% vegetarian). But I think he likes my boyfriend and he Never liked any of my boyfriends so that's a big step. It will be an interesting night.

[Lucia Amman]

Dinner with my oldest brother and his wife was very pleasant and even fun. We didn't run out of conversation topics and my brother hardly made any weird comment like he usually does. Only my sister and law said to me that I was so much changed for the better since I'm with my boyfriend. I politely thanked her and my boyfriend complimented me later with my politeness because he knows how much I despise it to be determined by my SO. I'm my own person and I changed because of me, not anyone else. Luckily my boyfriend backed me up and took over the conversation to state he didn't think he had anything to do with who I was: "we met because she already was this way and we matched because of our personalities were already like this. She didn't change since I met her, we're a good fit and it clicked."

And that is why I love him. He knows how much I hate these presumptions and knows how to say the right words. If I would have said something about myself in those same lines it would have looked arrogant and maybe slightly ignorant to my brother and sister and law. And I would have gotten very feministic.

 

I know that I did change a lot the last few years. But it was before I met my boyfriend. Then again I dropped a lot of stress and weight off my shoulders since I moved out of my ex's house. I can understand that they must see that. But I can't believe they didn't see the change before I was with my boyfriend. It were very physical changes too: I got into sporting, went on a lot of solo vacations/trips and got more socially active. But nonetheless I only have heard I changed so much since I've a new boyfriend and all of them make that statement with in conclusion that's my boyfriend's accomplishment.

 

It makes me kinda sad that all of these statements were made by women.

[Lucia Amman]

It was my ex birthday yesterday. So we ate some cake with my boyfriend, children en my ex. It was actually quite pleasant. My boyfriend and me mutual agreed we should try to have more get-together's with my ex for the children. My boyfriend said he also genuinely liked hanging out with my ex for a bit because he is a nice guy.

 

We are not aiming for best friends and an happily ever after but the children were so excited for all three of us being around and we are friendly towards each other, so I don't see any problem with hanging around for some coffee now and then. In the meantime I can set aside my anger towards my ex because of the lack of child support. And the fact my ex is not very punctual with time is more an irritation than a point to over argue about. I've learned since my break up with him that I'm not one to hold grudges. But I don't forget either and I better now patiently wait in silent than start an argument over and over again. I still want a pleasant contact with my ex for the children and that's all what counts.

 

Child support will come. He is a stupid, stupid man that he doesn't want to pay me anything for the children and I wished he would show some gratitude too towards me for raising our children. It was his idea too that I was a stay at home mom and never made a career. He agreed to it. But arguing with him won't get me anything. I'm still waiting for my lawyer to talk to him but also really thinking about getting a better lawyer once I know if I can afford to do so. This lawyer is taking too much time.

[Lucia Amman]

I'm raging inside that my ex still doesn't pay child support and meanwhile is playing the good Samaritan and buying the kids shoes.

[Silverbirch]

Can you take actions to get him to pay child support Lucia?

[Lucia Amman]

I've lawyer. But he is taking ages. I'm thinking of paying/hiring someone else, it will coast me more money but less stress I think.

[Lucia Amman]

We sat accross the room, that is how we met and that is how we seperated. I shut you up because you talked too much. And you were under the impression I was pliable. I shut you up and you thought you took the lead. We collided like car wrecks into each other. How could we both be so mislead? I thought you had the best of me. I didn't live up to anyone's expectations but to you, I thought, I give the best of me. And assumingly I thought I got the best of you. We tried, we moulded, we reshaped and tried again. We took chances and opportunities because of our opportunism. We were the best of us.

 

But the best of us wasn't the best of me. I thought, our little empire, with a wicked king on reign, was my mishap. I reshaped and remoulded myself again. I changed till I felt unbroken. My king, my empire stayed the same. But one bit of more happiness from my side, sure enough, would be the road to perfection. I changed, I reshaped. I was there. Fully chosing for you, again and again. Because you were my world, my empire, my king. My family. But oh, my queen took a fall. She saw you; brutal, unchangeable, unmistakable you.

 

I choosed to be my own empress. I folded back into one.

 

 

Were the choices we made together now a sign to mistrust me again? Have I not showed the best of me? Have I not gained your respect over the years we reigned together? I feel mistakingly taking another fall again. I'm at my own little empire, built inside my walls again. I can't even tell what a beast you've been. I took the fall for our mishaps, for your mishap, so no one would look at you the way I do now. You're still my daughters' father. And I don't want to let anyone know they are the product of a brutal beast. My once beloved beast.

 

Please, try to emphasize with me instead of battling for you to keep leading me. Why chose you not to lose control a bit? I wish you all the best, still, I do. I wish you no harm, but stop belittling me. Stop making my contribution of no concern to you. Stop saying I didn't do my best, didn't rule over our kingdom. Stop saying our children don't need a mother so much, something we decided both. We when we're us.

[Lucia Amman]

Just like any other human being I like to think I inherently am a good person. Now I'm up in armour and my battle is mostly in my own head. I fight against being in a fight. I fight the predicament.

 

Even with the law on my side and despite the many examples of tiff and dispute between exes I thought to prove the contrary. After our emotional wrath and the disruption of our relationship would fall to rest and we each would sail a new and calmer course, then I thought we could settle like sane human's do. Level headed and like equals we would talk and came to conclusions where each of us would feel our needs were met. We would have a fair understanding and acknowledgement of the battles we fought against ourselves and we would want rest and a certain reassurance and that was the place where we would meet again as soulmates: for we are still the parents of our souls that now live outside us, the children. And I thought he would recognize my efforts, the balance I recreated and mended back into their life's. And for this he would give me his trust and agreement to care for the life that is still ours to sustain, keep and take care of.

 

I'm fighting a battle I never thought I would need to fight. In all my hopelessly optimistic view I thought he would want the best for them and would show little resentment. All beginnings are rough and with sharp edges, the resentments and bitterness is to some level taken into account. But with time the rivers smooth the edges to let it's flow flow. And with the same time I thought we would choose flow over sticks and cuts to fight not our heartbreak but into settlement over our children.

 

Would I find rest in giving in? Can I find myself settle in his arrangement and take his distrust for me into my open arms and cradle and hush my own dear mind? Am I the strife and discord?

 

I give myself into the discord. As all humans I'm committed to what I believe in is right. If I didn't care it wouldn't hurt and yes we would settle. But taken responsibility is too to not settle this time into the flow he has created for us. The flow that once was our relationship and I too settled too many times for the sake of peace and a life without stress. But my mind wasn't clear and my heart was racing. The constant settlement took a toll on me. So this time I seek peace in the argument, I thrive in the battle. Not for creating a battlefield but for building my walls to set boundaries within the fairness my heart seeks. This time my walls are armoured as it was not in vain I named my daughters after armoured goddesses and roads to victory. I can battle and be fair, I can fight and seek forgiveness.

 

We can only get hurt if we still care.

[Silverbirch]

((((((((((((Lucia))))))))))))))

[Lucia Amman]

Tonight we're having a new-house party but it really is a code name to celebrate my 30's birthday. I've never celebrated my birthday so I'm a bit scared and unsecure. That's why I needed a second reason to give a party. But additionally my boyfriend's friends are coming too and there are a lot. Almost none of mine friends could make it which is kinda sad but I get it.

 

I feel so weird celebrating my birthday since 15 years! I'm just glad that I'm doing it anyway though because 30 feels special and I would feel even more miserable had I not celebrated it at all.

[Lucia Amman]

My boyfriend asked me to marry me. We were in Rome and he brought this ring with him. We were on a holiday with a group of friends and the whole time we were with friends around us. I had no clue but he was waiting anxiously for some moment alone. So when we were finally alone we sat down in the most fancy restaurant (Harry's Bar which was a movie set for Le Dolce Vita). He was a bit stressed and said: "ok, i've had enough of it! Do you want to marry me?' And of course showed me the ring.

 

While we told the most important people about our engagement, we are holding off on making an official announcement. We're not in a hurry, have no idea when we will marry (or how, we might elope) and it's just all good for us how things are right now.

 

By the way I showed him some rings I loved months prior for 'just in case'. So we both choice my engagement ring, a very small golden ring with a ruby stone. I've ring size 3,5mm so anything bigger than this would feel weird for me. Especially because I never wore any rings before this. I love the feel of it... might go bigger for the next ring! ]

[Lucia Amman]

I've a hard time figuring out why my fiancé still loves me. This question usually pops into my head a significant amount of time earlier than it does now. Usually within a couple of months or even weeks into the relationship I'm experiencing the imposter syndrome. 'He doesn't really know me, he doesn't know how I can act, behave, how immature I'm, he doesn't know I'm not good for anything.' And then comes the fighting, the crying and in some cases the breaking up part. Because how can I love someone that doesn't know the real me? And how can he love me if he doesn't really know me? It's an endless circle that I thought I knew how to break.

 

But now my doubts creep in. Without any test my doctor once diagnosed me or rather mentioned it was a possibility that I've a small form of borderline personality disorder. This would explain why I feel like an imposter (distorted self-image) and why I suddenly change my feeling in any relationship. I often feel suddenly overwhelmed by all the emotions rushing through me and it causes me to break down or blocking everything out. But knowing this about myself has helped me dealing with it too. I know that the emotions and feelings will pass. And I know that it doesn't help me to throw or pick a fight just because I feel like a wreck.

 

When I met fiancé and we noticed we were heading straight into a relationship I was very upfront about who I am, what can happen and what to expect. Since my doctor said it and now I've worked very hard on myself to 'get better.' I've tackled many of my anxiety issues, exercised to keep my hormones balanced and reading lots of self-help books on the subject. I know that few guys would actually listen to these warnings or even can comprehend what it means to be in a relationship with a person that has mental break downs 'occasionally'. Because even though I've it more under control than ever, it's still there and I still need to work harder on it than 'normal' people. What I fear the most about being me (if it is borderline or not doesn't really matter, I know, simply put, I've issues that affect most of my relationship) is that I ruin someone's life with it. I'm afraid I ruin my fiancé's life. That's why I was upfront about what could happen, what happened in the past (self-harming behavior, suicidal thoughts and anger issues) and how I'm doing now. He told me he had close experience with some of these symptoms, not himself but close family and a best friend. For that only I believed that he was aware of what I was actually warning him for. Because if I've one of the 'episodes' where I feel my mood changing drastically or I suddenly feel empty and alone I can't handle someone picking a fight with me (because he feels personally attacked) or just saying 'to get over it'. I can't just 'get over it' and it hardly ever is a personal attack on the persons I'm with.

 

We have talked a lot about my issues and how I feel. Since we are living together (1,5 year now) I've had a few break downs but most of them we've been able to talk it through. I mentioned how I was feeling before it could turn into a fight because I was 'grumpy'. Expressing that it is what I feel and specifically saying that it's just something within me and not what he does or affected by his behavior has helped my him understand what was going on and not feel I was rejecting him. He knows and understands that when I feel like this he just needs to leave me alone or give me a big hug but most of all: that it will pass over. And it will pass over faster if he is understanding me instead of us picking a fight on each other.

 

Yesterday I was feeling down. Like, 'I want to cut myself' down. Instead I start reading and locking myself up. My fiancé was searching for me, found me and sit with me on the bathroom floor and hugged me and let me cry in his arms without asking what was going on or why or what or.. Anything. He was just there for me. This quickly changed my mood. While I was feeling ambivalent too because I felt like a complete jerk for hiding myself away from him and making his day miserable because I was crying on our bathroom floor. He is so understanding and helpful to me that I feel bad for causing a scene. I might also be afraid that I'm getting back to where I was. That I'm getting worse again.

[Lucia Amman]

Last weekend we went out with some other parents who are expecting their second baby. The mother asked me if I worked...

 

Even though they are the same age as us (30's) they're young parents and I feel like an old parent. My daughters are 10 and 8. They both go to school. I'm a stay at home mom and I just feel silly saying that. No one I know of is a stay at home mom in my country. I have a hard time believing it even exists here to be honest.

 

I'm a stay at home mom but not a very good one either. My house is often times a complete mess, I am always behind on chores and although I help out at school sometimes, it's not that often either. I hate to do things for/at their school and feel bad about it. I've dealt with a lot of anxieties and helping out at school always feels like a big step for me. It pushed my boundaries, I'm always afraid other parents or the teacher will see what a fraud I am and that they will think I shouldn't raise children at all if they 'find out' who I truly am. But heck, I signed up for some chores to do at school because it made my daughters happy and proud about me. So that's what I do. And I of course became better at it in all those years but it's still not my favorite thing to do.

 

And I feel bad about feeling bad about these things because it feels like I'm neglecting my children. I'm neglecting them a clean house, a less messy life. I'm neglecting them time with me (by not being at school as often as I could be).

 

My oldest only has one friend at her school and for so many reasons I feel it as my fault too. I feel I should have thrown better birthday parties for her, took her and her friends more out to the city to shop or watch a movie together. I feel I could have done so much more and be so much more for her so her friends would be attracted to come to our house and play with her. Should I have been more firm with her and discipline her behavior more so her friends would love her? Or should I have been more loving towards her instead and less disciplining so she would be a natural at loving people and be loved in return? What on earth should I have done to make her happy now?

 

I'm a stay at home mom and it wasn't by choice. I was depressed after having my first child and it never really went away (although I'm much better now). The first few years of my oldest daughter was marked with loneliness and sadness. Did I loved her enough back then? Has she become who she is because she sensed as a baby something was wrong with me? Has she no friends (but one) because I had no friends for a long period in her life? Should I have invited more people so she could have been more social?

 

I'm a stay at home mom and I feel no pride in it. I feel like a failure and the need to live up to something I can never achieve. I wish I was better than this and loved doing chores and raising my children. I wish I had learned them to be creative where I showed them my uptightness, I wish I had skilled them in cooking instead of my irritation for making a mess on the counter, I wished we walked barefeet through the woods instead of being tired.

 

I know I'm doing better. But it can be so much better than this, you know? This hollow shell of me that is still full with hopes, dreams and lots of inspiration for my children.

 

This year was the first year I had the courage to throw a Valentine's party. Valentine isn't a holiday that's much celebrated in my country but I've always felt it could be a beautiful party for my kids to show them love and let them show love to others. We had a chocolate fountain, strawberries to dip, coconut-bounty-balls and chocolate cake. Others brought fruit salads and pastries to eat. There were 15 adults and lots of children and everyone loved it. But what I loved the most was my children's joy on their faces. They had a blast and made new friends and we all didn't care what a mess the chocolate fountain made on the counter or that the cake was too sweet. But I can't help to think: did I come too late to this party?

 

Did I missed the best years of being a parent and did I totally messed it up? Is my family doomed? Will I never be proud of myself and will my oldest daughter always face the same problems in life as I had? (Because, yes it's all so familiar to me) I'm afraid too lose this race even before its ended.

[Lucia Amman]

I just told my fiancé that I dream of hiring a van/camper and drive through the USA for three months when the kids are older. My fiancé responded: 'Great! Because that's on my top 3 bucket list.' I know he has a bucket list but I never actually saw it. I love these little surprises where our dreams seems to align without any effort.

 

I've spent 8 months living in Franklin MA and have had five vacation trips to the USA. I deeply miss being there. It feels like a second home but airplane tickets are just too expensive for a family of four. Maybe we need to safe our money on the smaller vacations and go on a big trip to the USA over five years? We can visit family and friends too, it would be so lovely.