My rollercoaster

[ambreaux405]

It's been five days now since I first posted that I do not miss him.

And...strangely enough, I still don't!

I honestly think that I've gone the last few days without really even thinking about him. Nothing has made me pause with a pang of nostalgia or regret or anything since last week. I'm really not sure what has happened.

Maybe the sadness I felt last week, and the one time I cried, were the last little bits of sadness that were hanging around in my brain...they made one last desperate attempt to suck me into depression again and when it didn't work, they went away.

I'm sure that that is wishful thinking. I'm sure there will be difficult times ahead, but I really feel absolutely nothing for him at the moment and haven't at all in the past week.

 

Another little tidbit...last year we went and saw a wonderful film together. It was a film we both really enjoyed and talked about for awhile afterwards. Over Christmas I watched the same film with my mother and felt awful afterwards.

Well yesterday and today I have been showing the film to my students. I've had to watch the film three times in a row in the last couple of days and I've had no other reaction to it, except that I love that my students enjoyed it!

[thejigsup]

This is how I processed most of my breakups. I just felt no emotion or tie to them after a few days. Hey, if they don't appreciate you, who needs them? A breakup does not always have to entail months of mourning.

[boltnrun]

Your psyche is finally disconnecting.

 

Your sadness and "depression" are your psyche trying to hold onto the relationship. As long as you feel this sadness it keeps you connected to him, so your emotional self feels like you two are still "together".

 

But, your logical self is now taking over. It's been long enough for your psyche to realize you are NOT still together, and it is adjusting accordingly.

 

Which is terrific, BTW.

[ambreaux405]

This is how I processed most of my breakups. I just felt no emotion or tie to them after a few days. Hey, if they don't appreciate you, who needs them? A breakup does not always have to entail months of mourning.

 

Oh this is coming after months of mourning lol. We broke up in August 2015.

[ambreaux405]

More proof of my continued healing.

Yesterday and today I drove across the country to visit my mother. Last time I did this was at Christmas. Long drives are awful for me...I'm sure I wrote about this in an earlier entry. So much time alone on the road with nothing but my thoughts...it was really hard at Christmas. I have a playlist on Spotify of uplifting songs...I even titled the playlist "Not going to be sad." lol. I had to listen to that playlist on repeat the whole way at Christmas.

This time...was just like before I knew him. I've been making this drive for years and I really enjoy it. I love the time alone with my thoughts, getting caught up on my podcasts, etc. And this time was just wonderful. No sad thoughts. No missing him. Didn't even need my "not going to be sad" playlist.

I am really liking this healing thing I hope it keeps going!

[thejigsup]

Healing is great! As I aged, I realized that someone who did not want me deserved none of my tears or thoughts for very long. I would cry my eyes out for about a week and then I would wake up one day and they were like a stranger to me. I don't know how I did this, but I got very good at it. I'm glad that you are finally there. Cherish this time, it is magic!

[ambreaux405]

Tonight some pesky little feelings of guilt were trying to sneak in.

I am not sure what I could possibly have to feel guilty about.

Sometimes I feel like the reason we are not together is because I didn't wait. I should have waited to let him make up his mind about what he wanted and then we would still be together.

Except...I know that it would be awful. It WAS awful. I was so miserable living with someone who didn't know if he loved me. And to me, if you don't know if you love me, then you don't.

My mom made a comment last summer when this was all going on that it seemed like I had already made the decision to move out. And in a way, it was true. I think in the back of my mind I knew this wasn't going to work and I was making plans to move out. I know that I even felt a little bit excited about moving out.

I hate that I would ever feel guilty though. I don't currently feel guilty, but it was earlier that I did.

If I had stayed, maybe yeah he would have decided to be with me. But we had so many other issues even before all of this that I didn't even realize until after I was gone and had begun to heal. So I know I would be miserable and I wouldn't trust him.

[Realitynut]

I'm going through all your old threads....and found this 'section' and it hit home for me on so many fronts. I looked at the date you had written it, and it was Dec. 20. That was the day the ex came back to me...one of so many I can't count. We never went longer than 2 weeks without seeing each other, but he couldn't stand me longer than 2 days. So I might see him for a weekend...then he'd go cold.

 

But On this make up day of Dec. 20 you wrote this:

 

Because he isn't right for you. Think about all the times he hurt you with his lack of emotion. Think of how he made you feel like you were dramatic or needy or crazy just when you wanted simple things like to hold each other or to kiss. That's not normal. That's not love. Besides, he hurt you once already...why would you want to give him the chance to do that again? A good man won't hurt you, not like that.

I remember 2 summers ago, we had just got back together again, and I was so happy. We were to go out of town for a hike. We climbed to this big overlook, and I wanted to kiss him romantically...not just a peck. His reaction to that? I didn't come up here to kiss. I got hurt. ( my big problem...hyper sensitive...) On the way home he was angry at me the whole time. I cried and couldn't make it better.

 

Another time, his bratty 13 yr. old grand-daughter was giving him a hard time, because he had a six pack of beer in his fridge. After an hour of her ripping his head off (he started to get angry at first....but then he said he calmed down, because she had to get it out. He's an enabler when it comes to her...)

 

So anyway....then we leave and go for a drive an hour out of town. We stop at a park, and we get out. I try to put my arm around his side, and he told me to stop, he didn't want to be 'mangled'....I then got my feelings hurt again. This time I didn't talk for quite some time...he got mad...and 'we' were 'over' again.

 

This went on like this for 2 years.

 

Oh...and that Dec. 20 when he came to my house, professing love and we went and looked at Christmas lights? I was SoOOOOO happy and in love. Christmas eve. and my Birthday,. As I was climbing into bed, I said, I hope I don't snore. I haven't slept with you for so long, and I don't want to get yelled at. (I said it in a joking way...but still meant it, cuz he use to wake me up cuz I was snoring....) I felt him go stiff as a board, And I don't mean that in a good way.

 

HUGE Fight. About something I said earlier in the evening also, about the candy he bought. He said he wanted to say FU....(huh?) and he went and sat in the car.

 

So that was the beginning of the end again. A whole 4 days being 'good'...lol

 

So anyway...another rocky new year...and I found out he has a gf. I was with him a week ago today...after I broke contact. Said I missed him. He said he missed me...he called. I hadn't. He popped over that night. I hadn't seen or talked to him in almost 3 weeks. I said I knew he had a new gf. He denied it. Said 'she has a bf I think'...but he didn't deny that he was interested in her. They were 'kindred' spirits.

 

Later that night I went to his house. He knew I was coming...he didn't say NOT To. We talked for 2 hours, ended up in bed. And immediately after, he stopped with the 'I love yous' and then it was "leave" and he ws pursuing this girl, and 'don't ever text me again, and I won't ever contact you'......

 

Wowsers. About 3 weeks before, we had a 3 hour talk... had sex....went home and it was over. I couldn't believe I got sucked in a gain!!!

 

He is one to NEVER talk about feelings or the 'relationship'. Soon after we were in a 'relationship' I came over and he said, if you mention ONE word about a relationship, you can turn right around and go out that door. I stayed. I didn't talk 'rs' talk. ( this was just a little less than 2 years ago)

 

Oh...and this woman that supposedly HAD a bf (and he even made up a damn name...liar) Oh well...he saw her that whole weekend. And he's going on a 3 day hike with her April 2.....I imagine staying in the same tent. I'm secretly happy it's suppose to get down to 30 degrees...YAY. Of course that means they have to cuddle. *cry*

 

I remember you said, you wished he was feeling lonely like you. And you hoped he would reach out. Well...the ex did that to me every time he had pushed me away, and thought I was moving on...he'd come running back with proclamations of love. So when I thought he was ending things...he'd been on the dating sites...I knew he was at least lonely. Hell...he came and shoveled my driveway on Valentines day. How lonely is that?

 

But knowing he now has a woman ....just make's it suck even MORE!

 

Glad your healing is now coming to an end. My last big breakup took over 2 yrs. Wasn't actually 'happy' til I met this last IDIOT. Course he was super nice at first.

 

Last summer he unfriended me on fb and blocked me in March...and screwed up my summer. The summer before he was seeing a woman 'as friends' and fun and me for sex. Summer before that...we had just met...and he was in pursue mode. It was great! Until 10 months later....sex...and everything went to hell in a handbag. So I was hoping THIS summer was going to be good.

 

Oh Well. Thanks for letting me go on and on in your journal. I made a private one...but I feel like I'm venting to someone on this one! lol someone who's been thru it!

[ambreaux405]

I'm going through all your old threads....and found this 'section' and it hit home for me on so many fronts. I looked at the date you had written it, and it was Dec. 20. That was the day the ex came back to me...one of so many I can't count. We never went longer than 2 weeks without seeing each other, but he couldn't stand me longer than 2 days. So I might see him for a weekend...then he'd go cold.

 

But On this make up day of Dec. 20 you wrote this:

 

Because he isn't right for you. Think about all the times he hurt you with his lack of emotion. Think of how he made you feel like you were dramatic or needy or crazy just when you wanted simple things like to hold each other or to kiss. That's not normal. That's not love. Besides, he hurt you once already...why would you want to give him the chance to do that again? A good man won't hurt you, not like that.

I remember 2 summers ago, we had just got back together again, and I was so happy. We were to go out of town for a hike. We climbed to this big overlook, and I wanted to kiss him romantically...not just a peck. His reaction to that? I didn't come up here to kiss. I got hurt. ( my big problem...hyper sensitive...) On the way home he was angry at me the whole time. I cried and couldn't make it better.

 

Another time, his bratty 13 yr. old grand-daughter was giving him a hard time, because he had a six pack of beer in his fridge. After an hour of her ripping his head off (he started to get angry at first....but then he said he calmed down, because she had to get it out. He's an enabler when it comes to her...)

 

So anyway....then we leave and go for a drive an hour out of town. We stop at a park, and we get out. I try to put my arm around his side, and he told me to stop, he didn't want to be 'mangled'....I then got my feelings hurt again. This time I didn't talk for quite some time...he got mad...and 'we' were 'over' again.

 

This went on like this for 2 years.

 

Oh...and that Dec. 20 when he came to my house, professing love and we went and looked at Christmas lights? I was SoOOOOO happy and in love. Christmas eve. and my Birthday,. As I was climbing into bed, I said, I hope I don't snore. I haven't slept with you for so long, and I don't want to get yelled at. (I said it in a joking way...but still meant it, cuz he use to wake me up cuz I was snoring....) I felt him go stiff as a board, And I don't mean that in a good way.

 

HUGE Fight. About something I said earlier in the evening also, about the candy he bought. He said he wanted to say FU....(huh?) and he went and sat in the car.

 

So that was the beginning of the end again. A whole 4 days being 'good'...lol

 

So anyway...another rocky new year...and I found out he has a gf. I was with him a week ago today...after I broke contact. Said I missed him. He said he missed me...he called. I hadn't. He popped over that night. I hadn't seen or talked to him in almost 3 weeks. I said I knew he had a new gf. He denied it. Said 'she has a bf I think'...but he didn't deny that he was interested in her. They were 'kindred' spirits.

 

Later that night I went to his house. He knew I was coming...he didn't say NOT To. We talked for 2 hours, ended up in bed. And immediately after, he stopped with the 'I love yous' and then it was "leave" and he ws pursuing this girl, and 'don't ever text me again, and I won't ever contact you'......

 

Wowsers. About 3 weeks before, we had a 3 hour talk... had sex....went home and it was over. I couldn't believe I got sucked in a gain!!!

 

He is one to NEVER talk about feelings or the 'relationship'. Soon after we were in a 'relationship' I came over and he said, if you mention ONE word about a relationship, you can turn right around and go out that door. I stayed. I didn't talk 'rs' talk. ( this was just a little less than 2 years ago)

 

Oh...and this woman that supposedly HAD a bf (and he even made up a damn name...liar) Oh well...he saw her that whole weekend. And he's going on a 3 day hike with her April 2.....I imagine staying in the same tent. I'm secretly happy it's suppose to get down to 30 degrees...YAY. Of course that means they have to cuddle. *cry*

 

I remember you said, you wished he was feeling lonely like you. And you hoped he would reach out. Well...the ex did that to me every time he had pushed me away, and thought I was moving on...he'd come running back with proclamations of love. So when I thought he was ending things...he'd been on the dating sites...I knew he was at least lonely. Hell...he came and shoveled my driveway on Valentines day. How lonely is that?

 

But knowing he now has a woman ....just make's it suck even MORE!

 

Glad your healing is now coming to an end. My last big breakup took over 2 yrs. Wasn't actually 'happy' til I met this last IDIOT. Course he was super nice at first.

 

Last summer he unfriended me on fb and blocked me in March...and screwed up my summer. The summer before he was seeing a woman 'as friends' and fun and me for sex. Summer before that...we had just met...and he was in pursue mode. It was great! Until 10 months later....sex...and everything went to hell in a handbag. So I was hoping THIS summer was going to be good.

 

Oh Well. Thanks for letting me go on and on in your journal. I made a private one...but I feel like I'm venting to someone on this one! lol someone who's been thru it!

 

I am so sorry it took me so long to see that you had responded in my journal! You might never even see this, but I'll send you a PM too just in case!

I haven't been on here too much lately. Life got busy, which is a good thing!

I do remember saying in the beginning that I hoped he was lonely and that he would reach out to me. After reading your words, though, I am glad he never has and likely never will. It still stings sometimes, but just for a brief moment. I get these really brief moments where it doesn't feel real still. But they pass pretty quickly.

All in all I do believe that I am much better off!

[ambreaux405]

Hello world -

 

It's me again. Still here. Still kicking.

I hurt my back last week. Well, I hurt my back awhile ago but the injury comes back every now and then. Recently I have gotten really into fitness. Maybe TOO into fitness, as I believe I strained it by working out too much. I thought I was keeping a reasonable routine, feeling good about myself, etc. My doctor disagrees. So I've been banned from anything physical besides walking for the time being. It's a good thing I love walking and that it's still a good way to stay fit.

 

Lately I have been thinking a bit more about him. I believe I am still having dreams about him, although I don't always remember them. It's just a feeling, like a presence, I get in the morning sometimes. Not sure why it's happening again. The only thing I can think of is that this is the time of the year when we started dating. Spring is exciting, after all.

 

But...I have to say my thoughts are a bit more negative now. I am realizing that even when we first started dating, when everything should be fun and exciting, there were already red flags and I should have backed off then and there. It was fun...but never THAT much fun. I think he always seemed to just tolerate me lol.

 

At least I know what to look out for next time. I want someone who is so excited to see me at the end of the week that they can't stand it! That's how I am. And I want someone who is completely spontaneous. Well, maybe not completely...but at least spontaneous-ish. Why, yes, I do want to pack the car up and head to San Antonio for the weekend, completely unplanned. Or...I know we said we would work in the yard today, but it's so gorgeous....let's pack a cooler and head to the beach for the afternoon!

 

I may just copy and paste this to my dating profile...when I make one. Not ready to yet. Soon, I think. Well, soon-ish.

[boltnrun]

It's funny, isn't it...right after the breakup he's practically a god, he can practically walk on water! He was PERFECT and the relationship was PERFECT and we HARDLY EVER FOUGHT and I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH!! I WILL NEVER GET OVER HIM! I WILL LOVE HIM FOREVER!!!111

 

Then some time goes by and we remember that very little of that bears any resemblance to reality.

 

I stayed with a horrible ex for 4 years, mainly because he was great in bed. I really, really hated to give that up. Recently, I realized that the idea of sex with him actually REPULSES me! Yep, the guy who could always make me see stars and rainbows actually repulses me now. The idea of letting him touch me, never mind be inside my body, grosses me out.

 

It's progress, honey! Good for you.

[ambreaux405]

It's funny, isn't it...right after the breakup he's practically a god, he can practically walk on water! He was PERFECT and the relationship was PERFECT and we HARDLY EVER FOUGHT and I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH!! I WILL NEVER GET OVER HIM! I WILL LOVE HIM FOREVER!!!111

 

Then some time goes by and we remember that very little of that bears any resemblance to reality.

 

I stayed with a horrible ex for 4 years, mainly because he was great in bed. I really, really hated to give that up. Recently, I realized that the idea of sex with him actually REPULSES me! Yep, the guy who could always make me see stars and rainbows actually repulses me now. The idea of letting him touch me, never mind be inside my body, grosses me out.

 

It's progress, honey! Good for you.

 

Haha it's the opposite for me! The sex was alright, nothing to complain about, but definitely not the best I've ever had. I stuck around because I thought I was in love with him and that the other stuff was more important than the sex. Which, to be fair, the other stuff IS more important to me than the sex...but I've come to realize I never really had the other stuff either! lol