ambreaux405 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 My mind is playing tricks on me. It keeps trying to convince me that there are ways this could still work out. That's the issue I am having. No, you are correct, I do not want to go back to a place where I am crying myself to sleep because my boyfriend doesn't love me. But my heart keeps trying to convince me "OH maybe with a bit more time, or if you do this or if you say this, he will realize he loves you again." It's crazy...I know...I don't want to have these thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 I think I am finally on the path to moving on. I thought I was earlier in the week but there were still some outstanding issues. Namely, I was dealing with guilt for feeling like I abandoned him. I also felt like I needed to try again to be really sure of where we stood. We never had a real discussion about where we stood before I left, and that being left open was letting in some hope and preventing me from really moving on. There is no hope. I'm starting to get to a place where the thought of trying to be back with him and working things out is less appealing than just moving on and getting over him. It would be so awkward to see him right now. And nothing has changed so there really would be no point to even trying. The past is over and it's never going to be the same again. He doesn't love me...at least not enough to do what is necessary to help himself what whatever issues he is dealing with. I'm angry about it...I find it selfish...I feel like I didn't really know him the entire time we were together as the man I thought I knew would never just push me aside like this. But it is what it is. Maybe it's depression and he is actually incapable of doing what he needs to. Maybe he just is heartless and doesn't love me. In the end it doesn't matter, the result is still the same. I'm also dealing with some issues of my own self worth. Maybe if I were prettier or less needy or more secure and confident he would still love me. But, I'm actually pretty awesome. I have great friends who love me for exactly who I am. I have had boyfriends in the past who loved me for who I am. And somewhere there is a guy out there who is going to love me for exactly who I am. But he needs to stay away for at least the next year. I just want to be on my own for awhile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 This is a great post. You're a smart woman. You could have been a combination of Rachael Ray, Jenna Jamison, Gisele Bundchen and a Mensa Society member, and he would have responded "I don't know" when you asked him if he loved you. He won't or can't give love right now. Maybe not ever. Yeah, that man who will love and cherish you is out there. He'll make you wonder why you settled for less. But that's OK, because we have to make our journey to get to where we are now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Excellent insights Ambreaux! Everything you said is correct and it's great that you see that. So many women can't see it for what it is. I can tell from your post that you are awesome and you deserve a great guy. To quote what my friend told me when I broke up with my ex, you're such a great normal human being and you deserve to be with another great normal human being! Haha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 I love that quote! I AM a normal human being. And I do deserve a normal human being! Thanks! Excellent insights Ambreaux! Everything you said is correct and it's great that you see that. So many women can't see it for what it is. I can tell from your post that you are awesome and you deserve a great guy. To quote what my friend told me when I broke up with my ex, you're such a great normal human being and you deserve to be with another great normal human being! Haha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 An update of sorts - After we ended things he sent me a really long heartfelt letter. In it he explained that I have been right, the problem is him and he needs help. He said he is going to get help because he realizes something is very wrong. He acknowledges that he can't say for sure that he doesn't feel anything for me, because he doesn't feel anything for anything at the moment, which I already knew. He also said that I deserve way better than him and that he's very sorry for all of the hurt he has caused me. It was very touching. I did respond. I told him I am happy that he is going to seek help. I stayed firm though that a relationship cannot happen right now with him. I explained that I have been too hurt and that I really need to be on my own for awhile. I've learned so much about myself in the last couple of months, namely that I have been scared of being alone and that I really need to find a way to make myself happy before I can be in a relationship with someone again. I am not going to cut him off entirely. Maybe that will delay my healing, I don't know, but I told him that my offer still stands and that I'll help him by going with him to talk to someone. I also told him that when he gets a hold of whatever is causing these issues and if he finds that he does want to be with me, that we will go from there, but no guaranties. I also said that if he finds that he does NOT want to be with me, then at least we will know that we tried everything and that it just was not meant to be. Im very much at peace with this. I feel calmer now than I have in months, honestly. I know now that he may not be the one for me, and that in the end we very well may go our separate ways for good. But I also know that the man I love is still in there somewhere underneath all the issues he is going through. The last year has been painful, I have been neglected emotionally and I can't promise I could ever go back to him...but before that things were wonderful. I guess I just don't want to risk giving up on something that might still be wonderful. I'm realistic, like I said, I know eventually I may have to walk away for good. But until then I am going to try to help him and see what can happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 I am definitely calmer, but the emotional waves have not stopped. Last night was bad, but I stuck through it. I'm back at work now, which definitely helps as far as keeping me busy. I hardly think about him at all during the day...but the evenings are rough. Right around the time he would normally get home from work I start thinking about things. Luckily I have been using that time to jog. Last night we had some bad storms and I couldn't go jogging and I think that may have contributed to me feeling more down than normal. Luckily this evening there are no storms forecast. Thinkstoohard reminded me of something and I need to keep reminding myself of this in the future. I did everything I could. I gave him more chances than most would have, I think. I'm more patient than I needed to be. I did everything I could and there's nothing left for me to do. That helps a lot, more than anything else I think. It takes the stress away from me. It is of no use worrying about something that I can't control. So that is where I am at today. I'm feeling better than last night. I got a ton of work done today. I also bought myself a fitbit so that I can track my workouts better and I'm excited about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Another wave of confusion/panic...not sure exactly what triggered it. I caught a glimpse of a picture of me in LA. We took that trip together a couple years ago and it was amazing. No pictures of us together though...big surprise... I'm sick of feeling down. I feel like I'm just going day by day. I guess today is a bit more stressful than most. The neighbors upstairs kept me up most of the night. I think they must have been bowling. My biggest fear of living in an apartment...noise. I'm very sensitive to it. But I didn't really have much choice. I talked to the apartment manager and she's going to let me move to an upstairs unit. It will be smaller, not quite as cute, but I'll have peace at least. They are not too noisy so far tonight. My earplugs arrived today so I'm hoping that helps as well, at least until I can move. But I don't want to move again...just another thing to make me feel unsettled. I feel like I can't move on yet until I have a feeling of being settled in my own place and I definitely don't have that yet. I did go jogging tonight. I went earlier than normal...and of course it was hot. Still, I did pretty well. I'm going to try to go to sleep now. I'm ready for a new day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Slept for a little bit. Then I woke up sobbing. Every ounce of me misses him like crazy. I no longer feel like I know what I want or what I'm going to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 One day at a time. You are breaking an addiction... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 It's true. I pretty much cried myself to sleep then woke up this morning feeling fine. Even thought to myself "what was THAT about?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Your subconscious is processing the split. You woke up fine...embrace the day and the weekend. It gets better each day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Reading back to your post about his letter and your response to it. I wish I had a dollar for every time we say we are more at peace and ready to move after the contact, only to have another head dive shortly there after. In the moment it seems like a fabulous idea but for the most part it's just a set back. As someone (Batya?) mentioned previously, you need to treat it as an addiction. The little exchange no matter how mature it may have felt at the time, was the equivalent of an alcoholic taking a sip and talking themselves into believing they can handle it. You go ahead and do so and when it wears off and the deafening silence creeps back in and you find yourself experiencing a set back to some degree. You go back to NC and learn to abstain again. It's commendable that you offer to go to therapy with but this is his issue. You can't help him with it and you'd be doing so at your own expense. Besides he broke up with you. The help you offer him would be better spent on taking care or yourself. Letters such as that are often designed to relieve their own discomfort and guilt. Hang in there. NC works for reason. Baby steps and be patient! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 I saw my ex over the weekend for the first time since I moved out. He texted and asked if he could bring over some breakfast. At first I thought I shouldn't...but I said sure and he came. And it was so....normal. I have been terrified about seeing him again, didn't think I'd be able to face him without breaking down into a pathetic mess of feelings. It didn't happen...like I said, everything was so normal. We sat and talked and ate for a good while, then even went out and did some shopping and ended up having lunch together as well. We didn't bring up anything serious such as relationship talk...we just had a simple normal day together like we've had so many times in the past. I'm by no means over this, or ready to move on or anything like that...I'm just simply happy that I was able to see him and spend time with him and not feel like a mess. I have no idea what the future holds for me...whether it's to be with him or be with someone else...right now I just feel pretty much open to whatever life is going to hand me. That being said.........I'm super confused about another thing. I met a man at my job, he's new. He's actually brand new to the country itself having just moved here from Spain a few weeks ago. He's beautiful and so smart and charming. I find myself just staring at him sometimes during meetings and thinking all of these "what if" scenarios. I know I could never date him...not right now anyway. I don't think I would want to date anyone I work with. And besides, I am not even close to being ready to give myself to another man anytime soon. Is this just a crush? I'm sure that is what it is but I never had a crush on another man while I was with my ex. I found other men attractive, sure. But I never got the butterfly feeling or the heart racing type feeling in the presence of another man. It's gotta just be a stupid crush. I guess I'm excited because when we were going through the break up I was so sure that I would never ever find myself wanting to be with another man...and now I am seeing that that is far from the case. Not saying I would be with Mr. Spain...but just in general...there are lots of possibilities out there for me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I am feeling so defeated tonight. Last weekend we hung out and it was nice. I'm not sure exactly what was nice about it...it was just nice to see him I guess. Today again we saw each other. It was terrible. I fought back tears the entire time we were together. I just couldn't handle it. I was happy to get back to the house and drop him off and go. I cried the whole way home and then really cried once I got inside my place. I can't do this anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 You really need to go NC and move on.. As other posters have said, it's like an addiction, and taking more hits won't make you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 The source of the pain is not the cure for the pain. If eating strawberries made you sick, would the solution be to eat more strawberries? What are you hoping to gain by spending time with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 What I want to tell you (my ex)...but won't give you the satisfaction of knowing. I gave you all of me. I was committed to this 100%. It sucked sometimes...I felt like I was missing out, like I wasn't as important to you as you are/were to me...but I stuck it out because I chose to love you. That's right...chose. Love is a choice. I chose you. I chose to give myself to you and spend my time with you and do what it took to make you happy. But now I need someone who chooses me. That's not you. The only person is me right now...but someday a man is going to choose me. You need time and space and blah blah blah...so go find yourself. But I guaranty in a few weeks, maybe months, you're going to regret everything and you're going to realize what you have lost. Too late...you have had sooooo much time to do what's right and you chose not to so I'm not going to be around when you finally realize what I meant to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Honey, he isn't going to do anything. If he had an ounce of sense, he would have addressed his depression to keep you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 he might get some sense later it doesn't matter either way honestly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annamonrrial12 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 depression sucks and its not easy to just come out and tell someone that you suffer from depression some days are better than others so you don't want to ruin it. Now if you two communicated like I hope all couples do (but don't ) then yes it will be easier to just say. But its not easy! 😔 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I broke up with a very good man who had depression he wouldn't address. We had been together for 5 years and his depression became apparent the last 2 years we were together. My world started getting darker as a result of his condition. I had to leave to bring sunshine and hope back into my life. No, he never had that "magic moment"where he realized what he had lost and called me or got treatment. People suffering from depression find it hard enough to get themselves out of bed and get through their day. They do not have the energy to focus on others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Thanks for responding on my journal I know he may never have some magic moment...that's fine. It's not the point. I just want to move on and forget him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I do believe that is a good plan. Time is on your side there. In time, you will remember him, but not as someone you have feelings for. He will just be a distant memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ambreaux405 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 It's been 24 hours now. I'm doing ok except that we were supposed to be on our way out of town right now as we speak for a weekend getaway that we had been planning for months. So...that kinda stings a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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