Girlfriend and her BFF not 'honoring' our relationship

[ConfusedDude11]

Update: I have to say. I was hoping for a more varied view on the situation. I was hoping for at least one view from the other side of the coin in justification of her actions.

 

Last night we had our last talk before going on 'pause'. We had both hoped to keep it lighthearted and only concentrating on the positives, but I came back to this topic, even though I knew it had the potential to escalate. My concern was one of honoring the relationship while on pause. Did our definitions match? Yes we will act as a married, committed couple. But I had to be sure we agreed what that looks like. So I discussed the boundaries of the BFF, I tried to impart the wisdom I have received from your responses. It helped me articulate to her in a clearer way. She becomes very standoffish, and swears she's done nothing to dishonor us, so I point out my definition of dishonoring and I think what you all have agreed with. I said that sexual intimacies should only be between her and I. And that the content if his texts are breaking boundaries and that it needs to stop. I used the reverse example if I had a friend(lesbian) and she would send me pictures of her privates if she would be ok with this. She begrudgingly agreed that yes, it would seem weird. I explained to her that these 'intimacies' should be reserved for us and that it diminishes our intimacies by sharing certain actions with others. Neither one of us has asked for or shown a want for an open sexual relationship. I sensed she was beginning to understand, but I also felt the stubbornness coming out. She did tell me that she already had talked to him from a general standpoint of backing off and that I am very important to her and she needs to make this work. She was not clear on whether the, essentially sexting, behavior would continue. I told her it will not work if our definitions of honoring do not match. She then said that she will have to talk to her therapist about this. And I thanked her and said that was all I was asking is that you would acknowledge and talk with your therapist.

 

We then transitioned back to our normal loving selves and talked of missing each other(more her than me, because I am a little bitter over this approach), we talked of sending letters to each other, she asked that I imagine that I am going out to sea for 6 weeks and that we won't be able to talk. I asked for reassurances that she will be waiting at port when I returned. She had no hesitations in giving me reassurances.

 

So, today I meet with a therapist to begin working on my issues(anxiety, unresolved past relationships, etc) and she has upped her sessions to twice a week for her general life issues as well as ours. My path forward is to occupy myself in my hobbies(photography, camping), the gym, attend to basic life issues(home, finances, etc) which I always put off because to worried about our relationship status. I am taking up the art of classical letter writing and am even learning how to use a fountain pen. If we are going to correspond via letter, I'm going to do it with style and flare. I even got wax and a stamp/seal. I'm moving optimistically forward, and am taking everything she has said as truth.

 

Thanks for the feedback. And if there are any other insights you all have, feel free to keep this thread going. Let me know if I'm delusional or on the right path. I will provide any significant updates on our progress.

[DancingFool]

I think you are a more tolerant and patient person than I am by many miles.

 

When I initially responded to your post, I thought you were both in your 20's and that she was maybe a bit naive. To be honest, if you have to explain to a 40 year old person that sexting while in a committed relationship is a problem, then it is very clear that your basic values are not on the same planet. For me personally, that would spell the end of the relationship purely because matching basic values is a necessity for a relationship to work. You can't go through life constantly at odds about such basic things because all it will do is lead to never ending hurt, fights, and resentments on either side.

 

The other factor is her overall response to your request was really insulting to you. First you had to make her see it from your point of view, then when you requested that she stop the behavior, her response was basically "I'll have to get a second opinion from my therapist on that". Talk about being appallingly disrespectful to you. A large part of a healthy relationship is respecting each others boundaries. When a partner expresses that something is fundamentally unacceptable to them, you either respect that or you part ways because you can't respect it. You don't tell your partner, "that's nice, but I'll have to talk it over with other people and validate your request because the request coming out of your mouth is not really worth considering on its own."

 

Anyway, it seems you are both determined to work through things to make this work and that's good. I would just caution you to be a little more watchful of her attitude and consider the long term consequences. As a good friend of mine would say, whatever the flaws before marriage, multiply them by a thousand and then ask yourself if you can live with that because once married, people no longer try so hard to keep their flaws at bay. So right now she may be working a lot on herself to make it work, but......will she drop it as soon as she achieves the goal? I would keep a more watchful eye on that if I were you and be less willing to brush it off and give it the benefit of the doubt you are giving right now.

[Ms Darcy]

Right now, as you say, your boundaries (or definitions of honoring) do not match. If that doesn't change soon, I suggest there is no future in this relationship.

[Man with Dog]

It seems that if someone in their 40s needs validation from a therapist for accepting images of a very personal nature, they have something very fundamentally wrong with them.

 

Probably they will continue this twisted form of "friendship" long after you and his partner are history.