Becoming attached again to my toxic ex boyfriend

[vanilla27]

We were together for a year. We ended very badly as he was quite manipulative and cheated during the relationship, I became depressed and he dumped me and later told me I'm paranoid, manic, crazy etc because I asked if he had cheated a third time (which wasn't actually true, but he reacted extremely badly to the suggestion). When we were together he was insensitive, selfish, arrogant and immature, all of which always left me feeling taken for granted and unhappy. I worked for his approval and it was draining. This was 9 months ago that we broke up, during which time I have worked on myself and become a much stronger, happier and independent person. A month ago he contacted me asking to meet, which I did, and he ended up grovelling and crying and wanted to be friends, so I agreed we'd talk occasionally but keep each other at arms length for the sake of my own mental health, given how tough the depression was and overcoming the break up.

 

He has been texting me a lot, trying to get my attention, and I have replied, but then allowed the conversation to end (whereas before I'd try hard to keep it going). The texts he sends to me are usually absolute nonsense, as opposed to real conversation, and he is sometimes drunk and texting late at night. Often it turns sexual and I feel like it's all he wants me for, just for attention, an ego boost and sexual gratification without caring about me as a friend. I have been lonely and reciprocating the sexting, I am ashamed to admit. He sometimes refers to girls he has slept with since me (there's been 4 others, all on drunken nights out during roughly 7 months) and he said 2 of them he "had a few times" and talked about how he's had some "rave reviews" about his sexual abilities after asking me if he was good in bed and I said he was. It makes me feel crap that he would say things like that and plant those images in my head. It makes me wonder things like "why did those girls want to sleep with him again?", "what texts did they send to each other on those nights out?" "do they still speak now?". He told me he was just "milking the organ" and that it was casual, but it still made me feel gross. I told him I slept with one other person (a close friend of mine, who I have slept with quite a lot since the break up) and my ex told me yesterday that he feels jealous and would really like for me to not allow that guy or any other guys to touch me again and to only sleep with him, though he says I may touch other girls. He seemed slightly reluctant when I asked if he would do the same, but then agreed. What should I do? Ideally I want to forget all of this and be happy on my own or with someone new but he is in my head again, and I am so disappointed in myself for allowing it. Recently I check my phone to see if he has text me, or if he hasn't responded to a message I will send another. It's as though my mind always used to seek his approval and it's slipping into that same old pattern. I really don't like the unhealthiness of thinking about those other girls he has slept with, or wondering what his opinion of me is. I want to be happy, healthy and independent as I have been trying to be during our time apart, my friends and my hobbies make me feel great about myself. Sometimes he does too with compliments and affection when we were together, but more often than not he (unintentionally I believe) makes me feel inadequate and rubbish by, for example, sexting me and then as soon as he is finished he will say things like "tired now, sleep time! Bye bro" or neglecting my efforts to speak to him to browse his iPhone facebook feed. I don't believe he is evil, I think he is very immature and selfish, and I'm unsure whether to not be friends with him based on something he possibly can't help. He says that when we meet again he wants to sleep together (we always had a very active sex life) but I'm not sure that would be in my best interests, despite my urges. Part of me feels like I need validation from him; he was my first boyfriend and I suppose I'm naive and believe that I need his approval. He can be pleasant and he makes me laugh, which is why I wanted to be friends, but I didn't want an emotional attachment and I'm really stuck on where to go from here. I'm uncertain I will meet someone else that I like as much.

 

What should I do?

[Capricorn3]

What should I do?

The relationship was toxic and dysfunctional, so nothing has changed. It really is quite simple - If, as you say, he is toxic, then you head for the hills and never ever look back. Keep running in the opposite direction.

[melancholy123]

You need to block him every which way you can and have zero contact with him from here on in. Read your post over and imagine that someone other than you wrote it. Try to be objective. It's obvious he's sucking you in again and if you dont stay strong and remove him from your life permanently, you will be back where you started. You've worked hard to straighten yourself out and learn to be strong and it's all going downhill now that you are in contact with him again. Smarten up! You dont need him, you dont need his sick and abusive ways. You need to be independent and conduct your life in a good and sensible way which won't happen if he's in it! Get a new phone number.

[ParisPaulette]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you would be better off deleting and blocking him from every avenue then getting into therapy to find out why, why, why exactly you are still craving the attentions of someone so clearly toxic. The man cheated on you, manipulated you, gaslighted the holy living elf out of you and you're wondering whether or not you should hook up with him? Did I read that right?

 

The answer is a clear resounding hecks no, woman. You'd be so much better off to get to the bottom of why you're sabotaging your own self-happiness or why you feel you don't deserve someone decent or whatever the issue is that makes you do the relationship equivalent of standing on a darkened highway playing chicken with an oncoming car. And I really am not trying to be mean here, but you seem self-aware enough of what he is and yet you're still in contact with him and getting sucked in again.

 

If you want someone to make you laugh go rent a funny movie. Much healthier and they won't give you STDs and a damaged sense of self. My first boyfriend was a mess who finally hit me. I felt no need to stay in contact with someone so clearly out to get me after we broke up, so no him being a "first" has zero to do with it. And it isn't love either. Find out why you're letting someone that toxic in and get him out. And that's really simple a text that simply says, "Go away, it's over" followed by blocking and deleting and never picking up the phone or responding to them no matter how many years go by is a very good start. So is therapy.

[vanilla27]

Mostly I am worried about appearing weak and psychotic (he always made me feel like I was) by telling him I no longer want to speak with him and blocking him out. The thought of him feeling confused as to why makes me sad and I'm not sure how to go about it if I stop communicating with him. I feel as though it was unfair of me to agree to be friends only to go back on it now. I like that he gives me attention, it makes me feel like I am missed and as though those girls he slept with weren't as caring as I am, but this whole thing is wearing me down.

 

You're completely right, if a friend was telling me this, I would be shocked and question her self esteem. I feel like it is because he was SO manipulative that I somehow deep down feel like I did everything wrong and he wasn't that bad, and that I owe it to myself to make things right somehow. Often he was so lovely, so I seem to cling to that. The day we broke up I felt relieved and as though I could breathe. I want to feel that way again! Thank you for the therapy suggestion, it sounds like a great idea.

[ParisPaulette]

Mostly I am worried about appearing weak and psychotic (he always made me feel like I was) by telling him I no longer want to speak with him and blocking him out. The thought of him feeling confused as to why makes me sad and I'm not sure how to go about it if I stop communicating with him. I feel as though it was unfair of me to agree to be friends only to go back on it now. I like that he gives me attention, it makes me feel like I am missed and as though those girls he slept with weren't as caring as I am, but this whole thing is wearing me down.

 

So you're still letting him manipulate you then? Right. Why the hell do you care what he thinks. Anyone sane with half a brain cell would understand why you don't want to talk to him anymore. Anyone. He knows very well why that it is, but he also knows you'll bend over backwards to convince him you aren't like that. And thus you have given him the very weapon he needs to control the holy living crap out of you. Would you rob a bank of he told you, "So you don't want to do this for me? What are you chicken, do you know what sort of crazy woman doesn't do something for her man?" And then you say, "Yes, but this is breaking the law and I don't want to go to jail." And he says, "Oh well, then so glad to know you only think of yourself and don't care that I'm going to get kicked out of my apartment. That's just great. I knew you were selfish and weak."

 

Do you not see how insane it would be if you then let him bully you into robbing a bank and going to jail for him? Yeah, well that's exactly what you're doing here too. You're letting him continue to come around and mistreat you and every time you start to stand up for yourself he calls you weak and gaslights you into thinking you're nuts for not wanting some guy who manipulates and mistreats you to be in your space.

 

You need to read up on the tactics of gaslighting here. link removed

 

This is exactly what he's doing and laughing to his friends all the way about the gullible woman he's snowjobbing.

 

I'm sorry, but you are going to have to get a whole lot less gullible and a whole lot more "I don't give a flying F what you think of me, I'm not doing it." Or you are going to have con artists and manipulators galore after you and making your life miserable.

 

Besides why are you hanging out with someone who insults you personally by calling you psychotic. Yes, if you're seeing blue aliens and picking bugs off your skin and chasing people through the streets with a butcher knife then yes I suppose he could legitimately call you that. But otherwise, it's just an insult being fobbed at you by a bully. The weak part though yeah, maybe, in that you let a bully call you names and keep coming around when you know he's toxic to you. But that's easily fixed. You just send one text that says, "F off and die." then you block and delete them. When they show up you tell them, "Yep, I am a total psycho for kicking a guy out of my life who insults me and put me through hell. Now get off my lawn before I call the cops and accuse you of things. We'll see then just how psycho I can be."

 

Seriously, do that and stand up for yourself. Stop letting people manipulate you or you are going to have a very unhappy time in life.