lsuslu Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Ok. Started dating a separated married woman about a month and half ago. Became extremely close and intimate. Seemed like everything was fine until she told me that she is traveling to see her husband stationed in another state. Had a good talk taking her to the about and found out that he is controlling, physically abusvie and all they do is fight. I told her that I would stand by her side which ever way her marriage goes. When she returned she told me that they never had sex and even slept in two different rooms. The day she returned we ended up having sex. I got off work early the next night and went to her house where we literally stayed up all night cleaning and drinking and listening to music till the sun rose. Dropped her off at work that morning and then ran into her later that day. She sent me a nasty text message the next morning saying that I overstepped her boundaries and that we need space. She told me that her husband is coming in on the 4th and she's scared he will find out about us. Her exact text was "if he finds out he will hurt me and you". We had a giant text battle all day and finally she called me. We agreed on giving each other space and that I wouldn't come by her work (she's a bartender finishing up nursing school) or by her house and that after he leaves the door is open for her to initiate contact. It's been a week and a day since that happened. I've respected her wishes for space and no contact. Been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have any hope that her marriage of 3 years is over and just stand back and let it play out? There is more to this story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zebragirl Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 You can always hope. But that is the risk you take dating someone who isn't officially divorced. The other dynamic in this makes it even more complicated. She said he is controlling and abusive. Because of this fact alone he still holds some kind of power over her. Women who leave an abusive spouse often go back repeatedly because of the dynamic. It's not that they want the control but there is a power and control dynamic that goes in cycles. There's the honeymoon period, then the tension builds till the controller has some kind of huge outburst or incident, then the calm honeymoon period comes again. The women often go back because he can smooth talk his way back into her life saying he's changed etc. And if a woman has any shred of hope left she hangs on that bit of his promise only to have her hopes dashed again. Until she is truly DONE with him and divorces him for real, likely this dynamic will keep playing out. So be careful, you can hope. But the safest thing would be to move on if you want a woman that's truly ready for a relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I have to be honest, but six weeks... you should close the door to her and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It doesn't sound like she's separated at all. Sounds like the guy is stationed outside the area and they are still together but you're the side dish. If they were TRULY separated, she wouldn't have to worry about you coming around to work or her house, blah blah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimthzz Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 You were all in, she had a fling. Deception stinks. Move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Time to move on at least until she is finally free from him, and gets a divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 "Separated" people don't go visit their spouses. And she may or may not be abused...you only have her word to go on and she's not exactly trustworthy, is she? He's stationed far away and she's lonely and horny. You developed feelings, so she had to kick you to the curb because you didn't play by the rules (sex only). Sorry, but now you know the kind of person she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 He is on temporary duty in another state. She traveled to see him and now he travels back. He isn't abusive, she did sleep with him, she isn't separated...did I miss any lies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Should I have any hope that her marriage of 3 years is over and just stand back and let it play out? It's not over until her divorce is finalized, and she's been on her own for a period of time, IMO. I've always heard that the average amount of time, is a year in order to get their life together. I'm sorry you're in the predicament, but keep in mind that "separated" means still married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greta96 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 He is on temporary duty in another state. She traveled to see him and now he travels back. He isn't abusive, she did sleep with him, she isn't separated...did I miss any lies? Exactly this! Can't you see she's lying through her teeth? Separated people, especially when one of them is abusive, don't visit each other, plus she's keeping you a secret! Had they truly been separated, why would she care if he found out about you? Why would he be upset? Come on, she's not even that great of a liar...He is coming to celebrate the 4th of July with his wife, that's what's going on. What you do is move on and don't respond to her when she contacts you, after her husband goes back to wherever he is stationed (probably working on a contract in another state). What makes you so happy about being a side dish??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I think in her universe "separated" means she toyed with the idea of leaving him while his back was turned, but then decided against it for whatever reason. And then went all weirdo on you when it dawned on her hubby may not dig it when some guy turns up at the house and he's there and says, "What are you talking about we're separated? This is news to me????" Betting the hubs is not so abusive and has no clue he's separated. I'm sorry, but if he were truly abusive and terrible person she wouldn't be traveling to see the guy, she'd be loading up the car and getting out while she still could in one piece. Hopefully. Or maybe she really is that messed up at which point trust me, you do not want to get in the middle between her and her husband. If he goes off on you and you go off on him chances are very good she'll turn on you and possibly even attack you as well, given she already flipped out and got all weird on you accusing you of overstepping boundaries that clearly were not you overstepping anything at all beyond taking someone up on their invitation. This is why cops hate domestic abuse cases. All too often they get hit, shot or stabbed at by the person being abused who quickly turns it from an him or her against me to us against you situation. My advice? This is all so new anyways that you are just in the infatuation stage and can clearly see the train wreck this all is, so just head for the door, delete and block her, never look back. And the next time a woman says, "Well, I'm in the middle of a divorce" or "We're separated," you can just say "Thanks, but no thanks" and walk. Even if she were being 100 percent straight with you in the middle of a breakup is the worst possible time to get with someone who needs at least six months to a year or more to fully process the death of their relationship and to be in a healthy enough head space to start a new one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm not buying for one second that she's "separated" at all; she's still married, her husband is long distance, they MAY be having difficulties, but...she's cheating on him with you. This would explain her sudden change; he's coming home, and she doesn't want him to know about you. Do yourself a HUGE favor and cut her loose; you don't need this kind of drama. The next thing that will happen is that she will announce that they are "reconciling." OR...her husband will find out about you and come after you. Let it go. It's only six weeks. You can get past this and find someone better -- someone who is actually single. This is why people on ENA repeatedly suggest not dating someone who isn't actually divorced -- precisely because of these types of situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lsuslu Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I appreciate all the info. It helps set my mind at ease. Any other comments are welcome. Thank you The other issue with is she's a bartender at my favorite bar. I am great friends with the owner. I feel like I shouldn't have to change my routine around her. I'm giving it to after the 4th due to me taking a vacation to go back up there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 No one said to change your routine. However, since everyone knows you were her side dish, you might want to find a new place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lsuslu Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Sad to do that but thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Sad to do that but thank you Knowing the owner is one thing. Knowing the staff knows about you and her is something else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I told her that I would stand by her side which ever way her marriage goes. What did you mean with this? It's been a week and a day since that happened. I've respected her wishes for space and no contact. Been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Am I doing the right thing? Yes. Absolutely. Show her how much you respect her by making that space as large as an ocean, and never contacting her again. Should I have any hope that her marriage of 3 years is over and just stand back and let it play out? No. Avoid it and ignore it completely, and move on. There is more to this story. No, I don't think there is. Not anymore. The other issue with is she's a bartender at my favorite bar. I am great friends with the owner. I feel like I shouldn't have to change my routine around her. I'm giving it to after the 4th due to me taking a vacation to go back up there. That's bad luck. Stay away from it. Don't go back there until the 4th day after she stops working there. Unless you're interested in coming face to face with her violent abusive husband ... who might or might not be a complete coward but I wouldn't be rushing down there to find out. Do what's best for you, not what you feel you should be entitled to do. If the owner dumps you as a friend because you stop going to the bar for a good reason then he's not much of a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 She's married, and clearly not over her husband. This is a perfect example of why you should not date people until they are divorced, and well beyond the split. Move on from this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lsuslu Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Guys thank you so much! That's what I love about this forum, outside perspective. Granted I'm still hurt and very angry but NC is for the best. I do have a big heart and always look for the best in people but it blinds me from seeing the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I appreciate all the info. It helps set my mind at ease. Any other comments are welcome. Thank you The other issue with is she's a bartender at my favorite bar. I am great friends with the owner. I feel like I shouldn't have to change my routine around her. I'm giving it to after the 4th due to me taking a vacation to go back up there. Stop going to the bar for awhile. Hang out with friends elsewhere. If you are great friends with the owner, you can see him/her outside of the bar. Go to the bar on days this woman is not there, or better yet, after she doesn't work there any longer. Do that until you are completely over her. At least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lsuslu Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Thanks again! Decided to head to Tampa for the 4th and remove myself from the situation and get some fresh air. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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