Ice Cream for Breakfast

[Chalk]

It is my day off. I have woken up at 11.30 and I have had ice cream for breakfast. In a little over 2 weeks I will have my 30th birthday. Things are not as I expected them to be but I guess I am lucky enough to have a job, a home and, well, eat ice cream for breakfast. Surely this is an advantage of not having children for whom you have to set a good example!

 

I'm really bunged up this morning. I slept with my window open and I think it's exacerbated my cold/hay-fever. I'm really tempted to stay in bed and either watch trashy documentaries on 5OD or play 'Papers, Please' (an old school game I've downloaded from steam) but I guess I must adult at some point today.

 

I'll write my list

-work e-mails

-work phone call

-antihistamines

-washing

-work CPD

-shower

-e-mail rowing

 

This list appears to contain too much 'work' for a day off but if I do it now then it's done.

 

I'm considering going to a meet-up group tonight but I'm not really decided. I know I should go out. I know I should socialise and meet new people. I know I need to keep moving forwards. I'm not going to live with my flat mate forever. But part of me doesn't want to. Is it fear? Is it fear of disappointment? Because I know one bad evening won't mean much to the bigger picture. I might have a good time...I have in the past. I might meet people who I like and get on well with. I will have had the whole day to be a bit misanthropic and introverted! I don't know why I have such internal battles and wish I didn't.

 

Have just listened to this

Made me smile.

Get out of bed.

[Chalk]

Today I am celebrating...decreasing my antidepressant dose. Not the kind of thing you'd Facebook about! I was placed on antidepressants about 10 years ago. At the time it helped and I felt saved my life. However, proper psychological services were lacking (and still are) and I will always wonder whether, in an ideal world, it was the best course of action. It is what it is.

 

I struggled a lot with the ending of a 6.5 year relationship. I grieved a lot of what I thought that relationship would bring me but didn't. At the end of it I am stronger, I am a bit more mature and I do take better care of myself. I have a better relationship with my job as well (although that has been a lot to do with time and experience).

 

Life isn't perfect...it never is. I know the symptoms I get in reducing my dose and I would say I have appropriate anxiety and apprehension about it. I have a week off to get through the initial dizziness. I am proud of myself for being here because I think 2-3 years ago I wouldn't have imagined it. We'll see. Life isn't linear!!

 

Today's plans...must gym (vomit) and see what my housemate is up to.

 

Wholemeal toast and tea for breakfast.

[Silverbirch]

Hey you are a good writer!

[Chalk]

Aww, thank you. I would 'ENA' thank you as well but I don't think I can in the journal section. Replying is nicer anyway!

[Chalk]

The last two days have been quiet. I kept them that way as I wasn't sure how I would be feeling. It turns out I'm feeling okay. A little nauseous at times and a bit more anxious than normal. I imagine I feel like someone whose body really craves a cheeky cigarette. If I'm occupied I'm okay. Problem is, having taken time off work, I'm not all that occupied! It is giving me time to think.

 

I'm lonely. I really miss sharing my life with someone. I miss it and I wish I didn't. Part of me feels that it is counterproductive to over think loneliness and it's easy to become enmeshed with it. People feel lonely in relationships too; this site has enough evidence of that! I’ve felt lonely and sad in a relationship. So it’s not the be all and end all. I am scared of being alone though. I’m the only child in my family and it scares me to think that, at some point in the future, there is the potential for me to have no family.

 

So less of thinking of loneliness and more to what I can do about it. Last night I put my name down for another local meet-up. I’ve been along to a few with this group and enjoyed them. More recently they haven’t had things I’m interested in but a comedy night is right up my alley. I’m going to try - again - to get in touch with the rowing club. I miss it although the prospect of joining a new club is intimidating. If they ever get back in touch with me - the bu**ers.

 

I always think about joining online dating but I’m never too sure. My flat mate met her partner through online dating. She said she had to do a lot of sifting. I’m apprehensive because it all sounds a bit soul destroying. Maybe I should join because at least, in the future, when I sit down with my various animal companions - maybe a budgie - I can say ‘I even tried internet dating’ rather than just wishing I’d been brave enough to try.

[Chalk]

So yesterday was okay symptom wise: I felt tired at times and my eyes hurt. I had a nap in the afternoon to recharge. Nothing major and nothing scary. I hear some people get 'brain zaps' but none of that. I'm lucky and hope it continues.

 

I took myself to Ikea yesterday to buy a book shelf for my room. I seem to be acquiring books again and need a place to put them. The novelty of living near to Ikea is starting to wear off now and it wasn't as exciting as when my housemate and I went a few months ago. Maybe part of that is having a shared experience. I certainly saw lots of couples at various stages in Ikea. Is Ikea a part of society that I'm just not allowed to partake in?!

 

I'm reading Inconceivable by Ben Elton; it was £1 in the bargain books section of Smiths. I'm enjoying it. There is a lot to be said for comedy and pathos. I may have read the last page and it's nice to have left it open ended. If I were part of a couple going through infertility I'd rather that than some trite about IVF working which I believe it did for Ben Elton in the end.

 

In other news, I think I'm going to go on a Facebook diet. I'm not sure I really gain much from it at the moment. I like seeing photos from my close friends and some people do post interesting links but, well, it's all about how it makes me feel which is a bit envious. And I get that, that is my problem. But the thing is I work with people and I know that life really isn't Facebook perfect. I'm actually 'okay' and pretty 'normal'. My flatmate made an awesome chocolate brownie the other night and part of me wanted to take a photo of it and say 'best flatmate ever' and post it on Facebook. This would be sweet and lovely for my flatmate to hear. But then I felt awkward about it...who really cares that my flatmate made a brownie? So I told her instead! Which is what I would have done when I was younger before Facebook.

 

Right, I need to get up and day.

[Chalk]

I've just finished reading Inconceivable and I've really enjoyed it. I see they've made a film of it called Maybe Baby. However, I am complete film-book Nazi and having seen the trailer I know it won't adhere precisely to the book and am going to have to give it a miss. I haven't read a complete book in a while now and it's been nice to do so during my week off. Work has tended to sap my concentration and left me watching The One Show (aka Blue Peter for adults).

 

As it is my week off work, and I am saving to go away later in the year, I booked in to have a massage yesterday at a posh hotel. It was nice and my skin is beautifully smooth today. I couldn't fully relax though and I couldn't switch my mind off. The sad thing is I don't think anything is as relaxing as lying in bed with someone you love and having them gently scratch your back. It is not something you can really simulate as a single person. Something to do with Oxytocin release and all that...hence Chocolate Ice Cream for breakfast.

 

Have been out in the garden this morning and planted some flowers. Did a bit of weeding. I don't mind spending time by myself pottering about. I find it quite relaxing it just doesn't help because I feel it makes me less social than I should be or need to be.

[Chalk]

I am feeling lonely. I really wish I didn't and I don't know if I over value it or not. I saw my counsellor yesterday and we had a bit of a chat about loneliness. We spoke about how it is an incredibly human feeling to have and how, ironically, no one is alone in feeling alone. Even if you have a successful marriage, a supportive parents, brothers, sisters, cousins coming out your ears, 7 children, a religious community, close friends and 6000 'friends' on Facebook you are still the only one who sees the world through your eyes. You are the only one who has had your experiences and your feelings. We are all swimming about trying to get ourselves heard and understood. I don't know, then, whether I should be happy that I do feel lonely! My brain works. I am human. This is part of real life.

 

Pragmatically my feelings of loneliness are there for a reason. I am not in a relationship. I am no longer at school or university where is it easy to socialise. I do have a few close friend but they are not as intense as the friendships I had when I was younger (girly best friends) and perhaps appropriately so!

 

I have signed up to attend a couple of meet ups in the next week and I will, hopefully, feel better in getting out. I have learnt that this is what you have to...just keep swimming. “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”

 

I'm overly happy to report I can hear an owl outside! In the city?! I didn't realise they lived in the city. Possibly they live off city rats.

 

I need to call a friend at some point to speak. We've been friends since before we were born. It wasn't a conscious choice our mums met a antenatal class. We are 'foetus friends'. We get on and despite having friendship thrust upon us we are similar people and are friends. Recently I've found that she's been a bit flakey about meeting up. I've suggested we meet up a couple of times recently and she's initially said yes, then maybe and then I'm sorry I can't. The last time I asked if she could give me a bit more warning as she cancelled that afternoon for evening plans. I had a feeling it would happen as it had happened a short time before. I'm fine with someone cancelling or saying no. It's more the being dangled on a string. Am I a back up plan? If more interesting things happen do I get cancelled? Am I too scary to upset or disappoint? It triggers in me that I'm not okay. I'm not okay to relate to and I'm not okay to be friends with. And if I am then it is as a back up plan or as a last resort. (Paranoid attack of self doubt and loathing.) Unfortunately, a lot of organising is done by texting these days and this has certainly been the case in this instance. I think I've come to appreciate this a lot more over the past few years. Texting/e-mailing is a lot less hassle in some respect but it is also easier to hid behind. Which is why I'm going to have to phone her and have a real conversation with her. Knowing my friend I'm pretty sure it will work out and I will wonder why I over thought it so much. I think part of it is myself learning to vocalise how I would like to be treated...'can you let me know by X time so I can make plans'

 

I have not visited Facebook in 2 days. I have been tempted. Mainly in bored moments. Then I thought about what I would be seeing on Facebook and how would that change my life and I thought it probably wouldn't. I like the shared experience but I think I'm trying to prove something to myself by seeing how long I can go without visiting it and seeing how much it adds to my life. What I have noted is Facebook shamelessly seeks attention if you leave it alone for a while. My tablet felt it had to advise me that a 'friend' added a photo (not of me) and that I have 4 'notifications' (possibly ex-colleagues birthdays). It knows I am not visiting it. It is a slobbering monster trying to claw its way back into my consciousness.

[Chalk]

Well, I've been off for one whole week and am enjoying the sunny break. Three days to go before heading back. I think any longer and I'll start to get bored but it's still going back to work. I have Augusts rota through and it seems that the rota organisers are secretly pitting us against each other in a test of endurance. Sigh.

 

Went to yoga today. The studio was really hot. My feet and hands were slipping with sweat trying to do some of the postures. How do people cope with actual 'hot' yoga. Inner city yoga is a lot different to countryside yoga which mainly involves breezy town halls, ladies in their 60s-70s and learning how not to fall. Inner city yoga is intense and involves a lot less lying on the floor (the best posture!)

 

I phoned my friend. She has been really stressed as they are coming to the end of the school year. We are going to meet up tomorrow. So I'm meeting my friend tomorrow and going to a meet up on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be a bit more distracted and feel a bit less lonely.

[Chalk]

Back to work for one day and then another day off; it's a hard life. I had a lovely weekend. On the Saturday I gymmed then met up with a friend. We went into the city and ate. I've never been to Wagamama's before and I liked it. I would pay for green tea so free green tea. We went to view the new flat of a friend who's recently moved in with her boyfriend. She looks happy and I am pleased for her. She had her 1st relationship at 27 and things seem to be going well. I wondered if this had been posted on Facebook whether I would have reacted differently. I guess it's easier to share someone's joy if you are there and not viewing a picture.

 

I spoke to my friend about our non fallout. She's been really busy with work and not really seen anyone. I said it would have been nice to know earlier and I felt that she didn't want to go out. She said she had wanted to go out but had a lot of work to do and felt she shouldn't. I dunno, it's hard. She is someone who stresses a lot but only she can change that.

 

I went to a meet-up group on Sunday and really enjoyed myself. I met some smart and very nice people and will definitely go again. I enjoyed this group better than some others so I'm glad I didn't give up. It gave me some hope that I could build up a social life in this city without school or university.

 

What is really sad though it that when I thought 'I could develop friendships/relationships/acquaintances with these people' all I could think was 'why would they want to be with me'. I have an internal script 'I'm boring, I'm antisocial, I'm meek, they only want you for your body'. I have difficult in accepting myself and thinking I'm okay. If I'm vocal to me I am too vocal and attention seeking. If I am quiet I am too quiet and shy. If I look bad I feel bad about myself. If l look good I feel bad about myself (who is she to look good). It maddening because when I take a step back I know that these things aren't true. I am just as acceptable as any other bu**er on this Earth. So I would like to have a more adult view of myself with regards to my relationships. I'm okay.

 

I'm going to be 30 this weekend. I had thought I was okay with this as I have been telling people (when they mistake me for a student) 'I'm nearly 30 you know' and had almost accepted it. Today I'm not so sure. I think I've done okay. I have a good career. I can support myself. But I am no where near where I thought I would be for 30. I have a feeling that this is probably normal for any big birthday. I'm pretty sure you hit 40 and 50 and wonder where the time has gone. But still, I thought I'd be in my 20s forever! That was my thing at least I had youth by my side! So, while I wish I could be cool and not have a 'mini-crisis' about hitting 30. I don't think it's going to happen.

[Chalk]

Thing about 'pretending' to be a professional all day at work is it's blooming tiring.

[Chalk]

I hit 30 tomorrow. My mum has assured me that she enjoyed her 30's as she felt a lot more comfortable in her own skin and grew into herself more. I hope there's an element of truth in that. May be it's just cause that's when I was a kid and we had fun writing stories and stuff. That's why she enjoyed it!

 

It's been a long week a work. I've had times where I've enjoyed it, times where I've been frustrated and times where I've been stressed. I'm due to move builds soon and I can feel my anxiety about it building. I don't want to. I've just settled. The new place doesn't seem nearly as well organised or supported. I know it's something I have to do but it plays on my mind. I had a dream recently where I was working and felt alone. I'd forgotten all I knew and got flustered. I always like to think that dreams are the minds way of processing life and it is giving me trial runs.

 

About 1 year after my long term relationship ended I became close to a friend and we entered into a long distance relationship. It lasted 6 months and I ended it as he lied to me (in person). My guard had already been elevated from the breakdown of my 6.5 year relationship which was a good and a bad thing. There were little things that concerned me. When I ended things he proceeded to tell me that I was 'sending him to his grave' and wrote abusive messages on my Facebook page. This ended in me telling him that I did not felt we could be friends at this point and blocking him. He proceeded to send me gifts through the post which I sent back and then the odd text message that I ignored. I feel that replying will give him hope or validate what he is doing. I'd not heard from him in about 2 months until today when I got a voicemail and an e-mail wishing me a good birthday and hoped I'd spent it with family and friends. I've blocked him from my phone now. I feel bad doing this although I'm not sure I should. I wrote an long letter to my ex long-term partner but never told him I was suicidal. I was but I didn't feel that it would build an equal relationship if we got back together through fear. I then went NC as, in my mind at the time, we needed to grow as people before we clearly got back together. Or I'm sure our future partner would feel insecure at our past history of being first loves with such a long relationship. It was the right choice. I'm not in this guys shoes. I'm not feeling the pain he feels but I need to protect myself and maintain my own boundaries. I still feel sad about it and wish this wasn't the case. I can see how it would be difficult to break up with me after many years. It is not nice. Ironically it isn't even my Birthday today!

 

I watched a programme on channel 4 about a 'social experiment' a.k.a viewer pull in which professionals match two single people, who have had no luck finding love, and have an arranged marriage. Oh the questions it brings up about relationships and dating. I found it interesting that the applicants all seemed quite normal; well as normal as it can be to marry a stranger in the public eye. All had good jobs and most were in their early 30s. I felt that maybe I'm not so alone after all. I had a conversation with my housemate and said I was unsure how I felt about marriage. And yet, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't see themselves marrying me. My housemate felt that people didn't see marriage as an institution that it once was. I understand her point but then I think of all the unhappy marriages that could of ended but didn't. I guess it only works if both parties want it and then do you really need a ceremony or a piece of paper for that? My parents always say they got married as it 'was the thing that was done back then'. My mum said her dad would have threatened to disown her if she had lived with my dad! The romance is clearly not dead in these two.

 

Today I had a Mars Bar for breakfast. I had forgotten to eat before I left the house for the gym.

[Chalk]

I've had a really long day at work and for some reason feel, not only tired, but a bit teary and despondent. Not really much more to say. There are things going through my mind but I'm too fried to write them down. My workload has increased and I'm learning to adapt to it. You're clearly able to be faster the more experience you have and I'm...in the process of getting experience. People are exhausting! I sometimes feel like it is a one way transaction and I guess that is true in providing any service. My wage is my gain for emotional cost (sob). CLEARLY, having a down day. And no, I am not a prostitute.

[saluk]

Happy birthday! I had older friends who gave me the same story about how they feel more at home with themselves in their 30's, but that birthday just felt big and scary. My life was just so different from how I had ever thought it would be at 30, and I was still working on a lot of the same issues I was working on 15 years before. And yet, I think there is some truth to the fact that you know yourself better. But you are also still young and have a lot of growing left to do. so don't despair. I'll be 32 in the next few months, and if I look back, even though I am dealing with similar issues I was in my teens, my late 20s and early 30s have seen MUCH more growth in handling those issues than ever before. There are always new opportunities to improve your life even when you feel like you don't know how to do life

 

I'm glad you aren't a prostitute! I hope you keep writing it is an engaging journal. I think "frustrated/disappointed 30 year old" is a very relateable and common place to be. People turning 30 now are very likely to have had parents who married early and stayed together for a long time, and yet it is more difficult in our generation to find lasting relationships or build a life. So we think and imagine we can follow the pattern of our parents, but it just doesn't work that way anymore. For many reasons.

[Chalk]

Thank you I always think it's funny that, while we spend a short time in our childhoods/teenage years, we can spend a longer time in adulthood trying to re-examine our perceptions. Does that make sense? I guess childhood is an intense time for growth in our brains and I always wonder if thought patterns etc. are harder to break because the connections have been there for so long. For example, I have wrongly interpreted as a child that there is something 'wrong' with me. My adult brain understands that this is a bit of a stupid concept and that there is a bigger picture but it is difficult to let that picture through at times. Although, I'm reassured that neuro-plasticity does exist! Still I enjoy the greyness that ageing brings. I agree with what you say about late 20's and 30s being a time of growth. I've certainly learnt a lot about myself over the past few years. Had I stayed in my previous relationship I'm not sure I would be as good as I am at looking after myself now or become interested in some of the interests I have now. This growing thing is a lot like the washing in that it never ends!!

 

I think I do idealise my parents relationship. I always thought it would happen for me...because it is genetic clearly. But I have had a lot more opportunities education wise than my mum ever did. Her up bringing was along the lines of 'when you're 16 you're getting a job young lady, a woman's job and then you're going to get married and have babies'. So not all that ideal.

 

Frustrated and firty...a good dating profile, maybe

[Chalk]

Day off!!

 

I worked this weekend and am having today off to sleep and eat. I was worried about working as it was the first weekend since stepping down my antidepressants. I've noted that I feel my anxiety a bit more and I was worried that it might affect my work. I'm happy to say it didn't. I was still in stressful situations but I felt comfortable with the way I managed them. I think this is because I am becoming more experienced. It is nice to look back at times where, because things were new, certain situations were really anxiety provoking and realise this is no longer the case. It is rewarding because at times I've nearly walked away.

 

Part of my anxiety was based around the fact that I had no idea who I would be working with. I don't normally work there! If you are working with sensible people it makes life easier. Again, I was really lucky. My immediate superior was sensible and approachable. And my 'inferior' (seems like the wrong word) was the same. I felt a bit intimidated by my superior at first as he was incredibly good looking (a similar age to me) and made me want to giggle like a school girl. But I have an awareness of all the ridiculous things we can project onto each other, I've had men who barely know me project all sorts onto me, and I just treated him like a person. Sadly he turned out to be incredibly nice and able to hold an adult conversation. It didn't matter anyway because (a) it was a professional relationship (b) he had a girlfriend and © you can never really know someone at first. Still, it was refreshing to meet someone who, at the onset, wasn't all ego and seemed quite genuine. I felt like an adult doing an adult job with other adult colleages which can be a rarity at times. Really work is sometimes like a playground! Anyway, I felt I liked myself this weekend and I felt encouraged to continue being me. I felt comfortable with my role as a professional young woman and not a 'quiet' awkward, annoying teenager (which I still carry around).

 

My weekend shifts are always intense and a lot of the time when I finish them I feel relief but also a loss. It is similar to the feeling of having finished a big exam. I'm glad it's over but I'm not sure what to do with myself. There is something very human and rewarding about working in a group for a common goal. I imagine it is akin to ensuring the survival of the 'tribe'. I seen many examples of this in my life from school, amateur dramatics to life now. I think I really value this group feeling, and I don't know if this is because I'm an only child, but I miss it when the goals pass and the group disperses. Only a few friendships remain and I think I mourn the 'group' if that makes sense. Because I've never had that growing up and can't go back to one I've always known. I really do take it personally when I loose touch with old friends.

 

Right, I need to sleep and then try and plan my life for the next few weeks. Now I'm 30 I have no time for sitting around!

[Chalk]

Have just finished watching 'married at first sight'. My brain is too fried to give an opinion as to whether one should be scientifically matched for an arranged marriage on TV or as to whether what we see is what is going on behind the camera. All I can say is I felt sorry for the girl whose 'husband' went AWOL and I'm so very sad James remained married because I wanted to marry him!

 

Having worked the weekend I've nothing to write about other than work. Today was really tiring and I am glad I will not be in this role permanently.

 

A friend who I thought had forgotten my birthday sent me some flowers through the post. I wasn't here when they were delivered so they ended up going to the delivery office. By the time I did pick them up they were a bit mouldy. You could tell they'd been pretty once and I was so chuffed she hadn't forgotten my birthday. Because of course she'd secretly started hating me. She has now joined me in the turning 30 party being born a few weeks after me. I sent her over some 'as if' earrings (from clueless) and a light up lego Darth Vader keyring. Mature gifts for anyone turning 30. I've recently purchased a badge which says 'made in 1985'...that's a perfectly adult way of stating one's age right?

 

I dropped into a rowing club roughly 1/2 an hours drive from here. It looks a lot more organised than the one in the city centre and is a bigger club in general. I hope I can work out times to go down and get rowing in a group. When I lived with my parents after moving back home I really enjoyed being part of my local club and learning a new sport. And that is impressive for me as I haven't always been the sportiest person in the world. But, hey, if heart break was good for nothing it's been good for...my heart?!

 

I have finally confirmed that I can get time off at the beginning of August. So, hopefully, I will be able to take a wee holiday with a friend of mine. It will be very last minute as we still need to plan where to go.

 

Have been trying to organise my weekends so that I'm trying to keep busy, enjoy my spare time and meet new people. I'm going to a yoga afternoon this weekend and then a meet up the next. It's not that I won't find these things scary or socially intimidating but what I have I got to loose! I'm sure I'll gain something even if it's just experience. I'm still having an internal conversation with myself about online dating. I find the whole process a bit cringeworthy and am concerned about all the crap I'd have to sift through. But surely there are people on these sites who aren't cheating psychopaths...??

[Chalk]

I've not really had time to write over the past 2 weeks as it's a busy time of year with lots of changes at work. I went to the yoga afternoon which I enjoyed. I don't really buy into some of the stuff the teacher was saying at the beginning. I think that's because I have a scientific background and I can be quite fixed about what I believe (I've spent too much time thinking about things and I believe everyones spiritual side is their own). I appreciate hearing about different viewpoints. I liked diagrammatic representation on the conscious and sub-conscious. It is bizarre to think how many connections there are in ones head and yet they are not always active. Case in point I had a dream that Patrick Stewart appeared in an episode of Neighbours recently. Both of these things buried somewhere in my brain with no particular link thrown up into my consciousness. I almost like the idea that we could all upload our thoughts into a big super computer which we could dip in and out of. What would the human look like who had access to everyone's experiences? Would they be wise? I guess that is part of the beauty of reading or language as it is gaining wisdom through the eyes of others.

 

I went to another group meet up thing which is not really a 'meet up' per say more of a side group of an initial meet up. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed spending more time with the people I spent time with last time I went. As a single gal I wonder if there is anyone at this group who I could build a relationship with and the answer is...maybe. But I'd rather build friendships first. I am not as trusting 'love at first sight' than I was in my early 20's. The weekend was peppered a bit as I'd had a bad end to my week and I found it really hard to leave work at work. This is an occupational hazard and happens from time to time. I couldn't see myself doing something I didn't care about. Still, I found that a bit of oomph had been taken out of my sails and I wasn't as comfortable with myself as I have been in the recent past.

 

I've managed to get holiday this week and am going away with my BFF. Hopefully get some time to relax before coming back for an epic work marathon which takes me to September before having a social life again. Still 2 weeks out of 4 isn't bad. September...where has this year gone? Life is short.

[saluk]

With reading and language we still value our own experiences over what we are told. It takes a lot of effort - and a lot of words to really get down into another's experience and appreciate it nearly as our own. This is one reason I think fiction can actually be more "true" than non-fiction, as when done well, the simulation can remove this barrier and even remove the bias of the author. Being able to dip in and experience the moments of someone's life would be powerful. About scientific background - I always think of the Bohr model of the cell or newtonian physics. These are still taught, though they have been more or less superseded by further understanding, because they are still useful. Much easier to understand than what's really going on. Even though what your Yoga instructor was saying may not be scientifically accurate, it still might be useful.

 

Nice job on the meetup. It always takes me too long to get back and there are different people so those haven't been that useful for me. I always end up dropping out before I make a real connection with anyone. But they can be a good way to break up the week.

 

Have fun on your holiday!

[Chalk]

Thank you I had a good holiday. Was able to see Stonehenge and the Eden project. I've known my friend for my entire life and it was nice to hang out. I'm so grateful she is in my life.

 

A few months ago I worked with someone who I had some chemistry with. We kept in touch after that. However, I was cautious and rightly so. I noted he didn't really ask me many questions about myself and kept on going on about how he hadn't got a girl friend. I discovered he had 3 children and an 'ex' wife in another country. When I asked if he missed his kids he said 'not really as I didn't see them much as they lived with their mother'. I gave up at this point and realised it wasn't meant to be. I was glad I was direct about asking questions. I slipped away and didn't respond to any further contact. Which, I know, is a little passive aggressive. While I was on holiday my friend posted where we were on Facebook. This happened to be in the same area of the country that this person live. I was surprised to get a message asking how I was (after not having contact for months). This confirmed in my head that I made the right choice. I'm not a booty call, while I'm in your area kinda girl. I didn't reply. I ignored. Should I have been more direct in the first instance? Should I have got into a confrontation of...'you're probably still married...that's a terrible way to talk about your children'. I'm not sure. However, I think he'll have gotten the message now and would be surprised if he made further contact.

 

Work is particularly stressful at the moment and that's all I can say about that. Things aren't easy. It should be short term and I don't really have the desire to resign. It does have a knock on effect on my life but...welcome the real world Chalk. This to shall pass.

[Chalk]

Day off today Work tomorrow Night shifts from Sunday onwards I feel that this is going to be a bit of a moany entry but I am British and having a good moan is part of my cultural heritage.

 

My bosses in my new role are mainly nice but a couple have, shall we say, large egos. I find them frustrating because I would like to have a normal conversation with them. I would like to be listened to rather than spoken over and with an answer to the question you think I've asked but in fact haven't. I don't particularly enjoy re-iterating my point whilst trying to stroke a fragile ego to make my life easier. I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't think anything I'm going to do is going to change these personalities.

 

I went out for pizza with my work colleagues tonight. This is what I moved out of my parents and to the city for. It was nice but I didn't feel entirely comfortable. I guess I felt inadequate and I know this is a skewed perception. The majority are 3-4 years younger than me and further on in the hierarchy (jobs wise). I've had time off sick so I am behind. The ones near my age are paired up, engaged or married. They have been with their partners 6-7 years. My partner left me after 6-7 years. They are younger than me but seem so much more together. I know, I know I might have more experience with the loss of a long term relationship, developing personal resilience and coping with illness but what gems are these compared to career progression and having relationship success. I wish I could look at them and feel like I am more mature but I don't I feel less! But life isn't linear. It is for a lucky, lucky few but for most it has stops and starts and we all have our crosses to bear. I am who I am. I think sometimes I find larger groups of women difficult to relate to. I think I find it easier and more laid back with a mixed group. Still despite my moaning and insecurities it was nice to go out and the group is friendly and supportive.

 

I went to IKEA today to buy some blinds for my room. I rather over confidently thought I could measure them by sight alone...it turns out I can't and will have to return at some point next week to return them for a larger set. I was only 10cm off!

[Chalk]

Life continues to be stressful from a work point of view. There isn't much I can do other than get through it and hope that the situation will pass. I know from past experience time works wells for getting though hard times. This situation will be here for a while though and it is something that is with me and adding to the challenge of keeping mentally health. Can't really be more specific than that!

 

Went to my monthly 'meetup' and really enjoyed it. I've been 3 times now and always had a good time. I'd like to go more than once a month so will have to look into getting more into 'the scene'. It is a very geeky group and my friends have been teasing me (in a supportive manner!) but you know what...I've got a degree, I like science and Star Trek and cult comedy programmes...I think it's safe to say I am a geek.

 

I definitely have chemistry with someone at the group. I wasn't sure before but now I am. But I'm not sure how it will go. I am cynical. The chemical/hormonal part of my brain thinks it's amazing but I'm sure infatuation drops your IQ by at least 10 000. Stepping aside from my hormones I know very little about this person and a lot of it is projection. I find attraction in the initial stages ridiculous and a bit stressful. So, I tell myself in a parental voice, enjoy the chemistry but, it is what it is, get to know them because otherwise you won't know who they are.

[Silverbirch]

Good luck Chalkie :strawberry:

[Chalk]

Thank you! I need it!

 

I've had a bit of a reclusive weekend but it's been a while (...or does work count as being reclusive?). I met up with my parents. My mum gave me a book 'Age, Sex, Location' which is a book about a woman trying different dating techniques. She said it was very funny. I'm sure it is but it still doesn't negate the fact that it made her think of me.

 

Spent the rest of my time doing a bit of studying (bit being the operative word), cooking, cleaning and playing 'Bioshock Infinite'. I downloaded the game a bit hastily last week hearing it had a really good story line and, mistakenly, thinking it was a puzzle based game. It isn't a puzzle based game. It's a first person shooter. First person shooters are not really my bag. But...it turns out it's actually quite good and I'm enjoying shooting the merry hell out of things! However, it's such a time waster. I could have done so much more with my weekend.

 

I'm thinking of giving up Facebook again. I did for a while a few months ago and fell back into it. For me, it is good for organising some group events and re-enforcing initial new contacts but otherwise I find it a bit like Christmas round robin letters our family would get a Christmas. A lot of it I don't care about (unless it's by George Takei) or I make unfair comparisons to my life. I'm thinking of limiting my use to a few days a week or one week per month.

 

I've signed my current house contract for another year with my flat mate. So that gives me some stability for the next 12 months. I can't believe the past 6 months have gone so quickly. I am very happy with my decision to move here and although I do go on about what I should be doing (don't we all) I am okay with how I am rebuilding. It might have taken longer than others but getting back up the first few times takes experience.

[Chalk]

I will try and make this sound as mature as I possibly can...OMFG, I'VE JUST BEEN ASKED ON A DATE!! This has never happened to me before ever in my 30 years. My previous relationships just sort of developed but never this...what do I say?! Do I say yes? I feel I should. It is the organiser of the geeky group I have been going to. He seems like a nice guy who I wouldn't mind getting to know. It's not the person who I was talking about in a previous post who goes to the same group and with whom I thought something was going on with. I was just going to see how things went with that one (because I know how to seize the day me). But this guy has actually taken the initiative and asked me out. Wa?!

 

If I go and it doesn't work then will I, because he organises it, loose my slightly geeky niche group that I am just starting to enjoy? People tell you to not date at work because it gets complicated. They say go out meet people with similar interests but what happens if that gets complicated? What do I do?