ThatwasThen Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 The bottom line about speculation when it comes to romantic situations. If they aren't showing you in actions that they care, then even if they do care, they don't care enough to make it matter. His actions are showing you that he doesn't care enough to change his way and be in a relationship so he is willingly letting the connection fade. That is the truth. No speculation, not assumption, no guessing needed. ... and, it doesn't matter how you handled it or if you handled it differently Naomi so no second guessing yourself. It is what it is. (was) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I don't think I am stunted. I've given my heart completely to two men in my life and I know what it is to progress. I think the doctor is stunted. However…I think I am extremely guarded and apprehensive due to past experience to the point it stunts the growth of a relationship…and perhaps I attract stunted men. Well, who knows if the doctor has given his heart completely when he was younger? Perhaps he is extremely guarded and apprehensive to the point it stunts the growth of a relationship? Perhaps you are not so different from him on an emotional availability level. I believe you said if a guy was pursuing you, you would not be interested. That's not just related to attracting stunted men; that's related to being attracted to stunted men. Maybe you aren't in the head space to look at your unavailability more closely ... not while you are so focused on the Dr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I think when you are feeling weak, you have to go back and remember what it is that brought you here Oh my ... thanks for bringing this back up. I had forgotten that Naomi was dating other guys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Perhaps you are not so different from him on an emotional availability level. I believe you said if a guy was pursuing you, you would not be interested. That's not just related to attracting stunted men; that's related to being attracted to stunted men. ^^^This...... Naomi, on one hand you talk about what you want out of a relationship -- love, commitment, etc. etc. (that should be someone who would be equally enthusiastic about you), but this other thing you've said about being turned off from guys who are really into you can't be overlooked. I don't think this is an incidental issue. Beating a dead horse as I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 love this post, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Me too. Xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 How come I can't see some posts? There's a box with the username and it is empty. It's happened three times now with vampire, Hermes and helpexpress me. I have no one blocked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Some posts were deleted by a moderator. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Naomi how are you feeling today? Any new dates on the horizon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Naomi how are you feeling today? Any new dates on the horizon? Feeling good today. How are you, Apple? 32 year old gave me his phone number three weeks ago, but I still haven't called him. German guy is back in town and we have been sending few texts here and there, but I'm unenthused. I've been hanging out with DDS more than usual. We are only friends, but he is so kind to me. He drives the same car as the doctor too, so every time I get in, I am reminded and my heart disintegrates a little bit more. It's strange I was able to go on dates WHILE I was with the doctor, but now that we've stopped seeing each other, I can't bring myself to date anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Feeling good today. How are you, Apple? 32 year old gave me his phone number three weeks ago, but I still haven't called him. German guy is back in town and we have been sending few texts here and there, but I'm unenthused. I've been hanging out with DDS more than usual. We are only friends, but he is so kind to me. He drives the same car as the doctor too, so every time I get in, I am reminded and my heart disintegrates a little bit more. It's strange I was able to go on dates WHILE I was with the doctor, but now that we've stopped seeing each other, I can't bring myself to date anyone. I totally get everything you are referring to. The triggers (car etc), the not feeling excited about anyone else.... I purposefully try to avoid any triggers as much as possible, and do my best to get excited about other guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 We could, however, say that based on this man's custom and practice, his history shows him bouncing from women within 6-12 month's time. At 56, he is familiar with the drill. He knows how to heal. He knows how to detach. I think he was stunned in the beginning, but bounced back quick and is onto the next. I believe the longer the silence, the least likely he will reach out. I think his caring about me is slight to very little. After all, if he didn't care about drunk drivers killing me at 2 a.m., why would he care about losing me at all? If, and only if he cared, it's because he misses the sex and the pampering, as you said, and sex and pampering can be found anywhere. He can replace that, but he will never replace my character, my aura, my spirit, and my lovely singing voice and/or perfectly heart-shaped bottom. ( ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Naomi, on one hand you talk about what you want out of a relationship -- love, commitment, etc. etc. (that should be someone who would be equally enthusiastic about you), but this other thing you've said about being turned off from guys who are really into you can't be overlooked. The guys who liked me way too much, they were the wrong guys. They felt annoying and moving too fast for me. One that I can think of in particular…he just looked pathetic, constantly asking "what are we?" Then he invited me to a party with his friends and immediately afterwards said, "Okay, I want to meet your friends now." Jesus Christ, I wanted to slap him. Then he had the nerve to ask me take down my profile only after a month of dating. He then volunteered to go shooting with my best friend's boyfriend!! (He had never been introduced to either of them) which I thought was pushy, overbearing, and outright strange. There was another one who kept asking when will I spend the night, can he spend the night, and this was after three weeks of dating!! It wasn't because I didn't like him that I didn't want him to spend the night. It was because rushing for work in the morning is not how I'd like him to see me just yet, plus I had a geriatric ill dog that was my priority. Everythign he was suggesting seemed waaaay too rushed. Also before you call me a hypocrite about making him drive home late, he only lived 3 minutes away, and we lasted about six weeks, not nine months. Then the recent German guy who KNOWS about the doctor but still wants to date me. He seems to believe the doctor has an expiration date and he's willing to stick with me until I decide to quit the doctor. That just seems like so much pressure…Every time I see him, I feel like tilting my head and saying, "Really? I'm not all that great to be waiting for and I am in love with the doctor, you fool!" Am I stunted? Or cautious? I don't know. After jotting these memoires down, I totally understand the doctor's finicky-ness. And maybe Ms. Darcy is right…he's a mirror of how I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I finally caved and texted 32 and we've been texting sporadically since then. While there's impressive mental chemistry, I don't see this going very far at all. He's young enough to be Doctor's son!! I told him right now looking for people I have commonality with, so he understands friends first. It's a great distraction though because he's HOT!!! And I've replaced the Doctor's ringtone for him, so I'm re-conditioning my brain to associate that tone with someone else. Pavlov's dog, you might call me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 The ringtone thing must be confusing for now, but it was a very smart idea I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Naomi, often you say something like "The doc does not love ME." The bottom line is that "The doc does not love." Gramatically there is only one personal pronoun difference between the two phrases, but a world of difference in the meaning. The doc is not capable to love in general, not only you, but nobody, even his mother, and i dare say he doesn't love himself neither. One who consciously or subconciously deprives oneself from giving and recieving love -this one does not love oneself. By saying that the doc (or may be 'dog';-)) does not love YOU specificaly, you are making his incapacity to love to become your personal problem. It is not. It is his own deficiency and nothing to do with you. It is the same like you feeling bad that a snake didn't give you milk. Snakes do not give milk, because they are incapable to give milk. They can intoxicate you with sex, meshmerise you, but milk? No. This is not their nature, and your love cannot make a snake give milk. But snakes do love drinking milk, and often would bite the very same person who gave them milk. They are just like that. And wise people just stay away from snakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I noticed this too. One thing I've had to learn is to pay close attention to the words I choose when talking about certain things, a lesson I learned when I was dealing with my ex and the aftermath of breaking up. I would often say things like, "He just didn't love me," or "he didn't want to be with me," which effectively -- albeit subtly -- made the point that somehow it was MY problem, my "fault," if you will, that he didn't want to be with me. I realized that in some way -- again, in a very subtle way -- I was 'blaming' myself for things not working out. The unstated subtext to a lot of this self-talk was "If had been more XYZ, maybe he would have loved me," or "If I had just demanded less of him," or "If I could have just gone with the flow," etc. You get the idea. My ex is someone who, I'm pretty sure, is incapable of REALLY loving anyone -- except his children -- so how did it suddenly become my issue? How about, instead of "he didn't love me," or "he didn't want to be with me," you re-think the way you talk about it? I did this, finally realizing that "We were not a good match" or "It wouldn't have worked out" were better -- and perhaps, more accurate -- ways of seeing/talking about it. Just a thought, for what it's worth. The way we talk to ourselves -- and others -- about ourselves and our lives is often a huge factor in how we think about ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Another way to think about it is : "He didn't have what is needed to make me happy" / "He couldn't provide me with what I am looking for, and what he could provide isn't enough for me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well, I recently had a chance to reconcile with the one guy who I thought was the love of my life. I stopped seeing him after he reminded me he wasn't in love with me and never would be (sound familiar?). He recently resurfaced purely by chance and we got together twice. All I kept thinking was how annoying I found him and how I couldn't wait to get away from him! I can't imagine what years and years with him would have been like. I probably would have ended up miserable. So, yeah, he wasn't right for ME and I was just too blinded by my infatuation with him to see that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Oh just realised this has been moved to the journal section now! Probably appropriate haha...I'll be following your story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Naomi, often you say something like "The doc does not love ME." The bottom line is that "The doc does not love." Gramatically there is only one personal pronoun difference between the two phrases, but a world of difference in the meaning. The doc is not capable to love in general, not only you, but nobody, even his mother, and i dare say he doesn't love himself neither. One who consciously or subconciously deprives oneself from giving and recieving love -this one does not love oneself. I think he loves himself too much and has no room left in his heart to love others. He does everything in his best interest and will only go out of his way if he stands to benefit. I know this from experience. He has no problem accepting my little gifts of thoughtfulness, but it doesn't ever cross his mind to make me happy. Ever. I cannot think of one incident except for when I had minor surgery and I wanted to get on top of him, and he declined and said, "No sweetie, give it a couple of more days. I want you to heal completely." And even in that incident, he stands to benefit where he can have sex with me at full capacity. By saying that the doc (or may be 'dog';-)) does not love YOU specificaly, you are making his incapacity to love to become your personal problem. It is not. It is his own deficiency and nothing to do with you. It is the same like you feeling bad that a snake didn't give you milk. Snakes do not give milk, because they are incapable to give milk. They can intoxicate you with sex, meshmerise you, but milk? No. This is not their nature, and your love cannot make a snake give milk. But snakes do love drinking milk, and often would bite the very same person who gave them milk. They are just like that. And wise people just stay away from snakes. So which is he? Dog or snake? How does someone become this way; incapable of love? It seems (to me) to be much more difficult task of preventing love than letting love occur naturally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 How does someone become this way; incapable of love? It seems (to me) to be much more difficult task of preventing love than letting love occur naturally. It is interesting to note that babies are naturally loving and affectionate. We are born to love. So if someone is not so, it's probably because things happened along the way that conditioned them into thinking those positive emotions are not safe and/or won't be reciprocated. Parents probably screwed him up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think I am 70 percent over him. I still think about him a lot, but …eh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 It is interesting to note that babies are naturally loving and affectionate. We are born to love. So if someone is not so, it's probably because things happened along the way that conditioned them into thinking those positive emotions are not safe and/or won't be reciprocated. Parents probably screwed him up. There are variations in temperament and personalities that babies are born with, though. Does it really help to micro-analyse him here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 There are variations in temperament and personalities that babies are born with, though. Does it really help to micro-analyse him here? I agree. Dude is long gone. Time to focus on self and other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.