annie24 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I would love to but I'm not on the forum all the time. Only when I work from home or at line in Whole Foods. I can pretty much guarantee Doctor is not going to contact me. He would consider it too high school and he's too sophisticated for that (BARF.) There's a better chance Poker will contact you before Doctor contacts me because Poker hasn't, shall we say, poked you yet. So there's still a mysterious lure. It's actually not a bad thing that he hasn't contacted you. You can focus on moving on now rather than trying to figure out how he feels. Take care of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Been so busy with work, but I have a pinching in my heart that feels so cold and sad today. At least when I was stressed with work, I'd have him to look forward to. Now I have nothing but gym and GFs who are married or have BFs. I really miss him, not just physically, but someone who I built a bond with and grew to care about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I really miss him, not just physically, but someone who I built a bond with and grew to care about. Put an elastic band on your wrist and when you start OCD thinking about him... snap that mofo and bring yourself back to reality. Change the subject that is him to something else (maybe even give up this thread for a while until you are more indifferent to him if it's keeping your focus on him). It's normal to miss someone who has been in your life but no longer is. You'll get past feeling empty without him there much quicker if you start doing the mental work you need to do to help you to get to that blissful stage of indifference to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I really miss him, not just physically, but someone who I built a bond with and grew to care about. Just remind yourself he didn't feel that "bond". You were just drama-free POAS to him. Remember...you're worth more than just being someplace warm to stick it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I went into this naively excited that an older gentleman, with a well-respected profession, might somehow be a more positive dating experience than the other men I've dated. Turns out under all of those badges of honor, his motives weren't much different than the 16-year-old boy working at the local Chipotle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Yummm...street style tacos... Seems that his "profession" has given him access to any number of women who find it exciting that he's a doctor. And he reaps the benefits. I'm not slinging blame because I presume all the women are adults, but his profession definitely has its perks. I'm sure there are nice, gentlemanly doctors who are genuinely interested in a love relationship with a charming woman like you. He just isn't one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Seems that his "profession" has given him access to any number of women who find it exciting that he's a doctor. And he reaps the benefits. I'm not slinging blame because I presume all the women are adults, but his profession definitely has its perks. You know, The more I think about it, I feel like he set his life up to be this way…the profession, the sexy house, the panoramic breathtaking city views, the custom light dimmers in every room, I won't go on about house details but there's a lot more…that is one mo-fo sexy house that screams romance. If he were a real estate agent or a investment banker, I'd be distrustful and a bit wary. But everyone thinks a doctor is going to have your best interest at hand, after all the years of schooling...so you tend to trust them more. Anyway… 'm sure there are nice, gentlemanly doctors who are genuinely interested in a love relationship with a charming woman like you. He just isn't one of them. A charming woman? Pooh. Thanks for the kind words…needed them. Going out with DDS tomorrow evening. We've been friends for a while, but, man, he treats me really well in stark contrast to MD, and he's not even getting POAS!! I gotta remember to floss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 But everyone thinks a doctor is going to have your best interest at hand, after all the years of schooling...so you tend to trust them more. Yeah, this is pretty naive. School was what, 3 decades ago for him, and he's had how many of those to form genuine relationships with women? Looking at a man tipping towards his 60's with no solid relationship mileage is a lot more telling than profession. He had a screaming red flag with his history. And what exactly does a ton of schooling have to do with trustworthy character? I don't follow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I think his history just shows that he has consistently been uninterested in a commitment and/or a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 You know, The more I think about it, I feel like he set his life up to be this way…the profession, the sexy house, the panoramic breathtaking city views, the custom light dimmers in every room, I won't go on about house details but there's a lot more…that is one mo-fo sexy house that screams romance. If he were a real estate agent or a investment banker, I'd be distrustful and a bit wary. But everyone thinks a doctor is going to have your best interest at hand, after all the years of schooling...so you tend to trust them more. Anyway… A charming woman? Pooh. Thanks for the kind words…needed them. Going out with DDS tomorrow evening. We've been friends for a while, but, man, he treats me really well in stark contrast to MD, and he's not even getting POAS!! I gotta remember to floss. Naomi, are you sure you are not missing the sexy house, more than the sexy doctor?😝 Because honestly, the way you were describing him-cane, male boobs, gee doesn't look so sexy to me. Perhaps he needed dim lights in all rooms to hide his developping bosom. I agree with others, you def. have charming way of thinking with endearing touches of cynical sense of humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 That's it, Ms. Darcy. "I think his history just shows that he has consistently been uninterested in a commitment and/or a relationship." His profession has nothing to do with it. He might equally be a lumberjack, mechanic, lawyer, accountant, newscaster......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Yum! Give me a self-absorbed lumberjack over a snooty, self-absorbed doctor, any day of the week. (if I'm going to go with "self-absorbed" that is.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I only read some of the journals here...but today I decided to check yours out because it's so well-commented and because of the title...so I skimmed it here for about an hour due to being lonely and lazy on a Saturday. My overall thoughts are that you definitely made the right call in breaking up with the doctor in his 50s with the panty-dropping bachelor pad. It most definitely was going nowhere because he has the ability to have sex without it going anywhere. Even guys that would like to have no commitment oftentimes do commit because that's their only option for regular sex, particularly at his age when you're not really likely to strike anyone as h Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 And what exactly does a ton of schooling have to do with trustworthy character? I don't follow... His specialty over a decade of schooling. That, to me, exhibits discipline and dedication. Will you put your life in a board-certified doctor's hands who wasn't trustworthy? Often attorneys place doctors on the witness stand because they make credible witnesses due to their training and reputation (unless their certification has been suspended in some way.) So, yeah, I did subconsciously hold him to a higher standard than most of the men I've dated. Not to mention he's smart, smart, smart. Anyway it still probably stands that he's trustworthy. He never lied to me. He simply wants to be single. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 My feeling is that you sort of give him a bit of a pass/look up to him because he's a doctor. Having grown up with doctors, I can tell you: yes, they are smart people but do not mistake extensive education for trustworthiness. Discipline and dedication are not akin to trustworthiness and other moral traits that you'd want to find someone. There are many doctors out there who I would NOT trust and that's because some of them lack moral fiber and are corrupt, just like anyone else. You know why lawyers like to use doctors as witnesses? Doctors by law have to keep detailed records (patient records on paper or in electronic form) on each of their patients. The public also tends to trust doctors implicitly so they are more convincing and look better for the prosecution/defence. One of my coworkers is dating a doctor. She is divorced, he has a "non live in" girlfriend of 5 years that he hasn't bothered to dump yet and he's dating my co-worker now. She is all starry eyed because he's a doctor and he tells her things that she wants to her and she rationalizes why he still has a girlfriend "well he's getting rid of her soon". Yeah, okay. Honestly, when I read your thread, I thought of that situation because he's a Dr, in his 40s, perpetual Bachelor, no commitment, etc. Don't be like my coworker. She's almost 15 years my senior and she's still susceptible to this crap. Admire doctors for their intelligence and dedication but don't assume that their profession = them having a moral compass. Don't be blinded by someone's profession and not look at them critically like you would any other man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 (A continuation of a post a couple posts above...I need to remember to write these things in my email app so I don't accidentally post before I'm ready!) hot with your looks alone. But this guy has perhaps the best possible job for what he's doing...doctors not only get paid enough to afford baubles that will help attract temporary lovers, but they have a legitimately respectable job that even you crowed about, saying something like "he's out there saving people's lives, he doesn't have time to worry about me." I would say that in the future, you might want to seek guys who are not only more amenable to having relationships, but that aren't in situations where you're so easily replaced. I do, generally speaking, agree with your idea that a couple living in the same area who have been dating and having sex for 7+ months might want to exchange keys to their homes or at least sleep overnight on the weekends. I mean if I get the chance to have a same-city LTR, I'm sure as heck going to want to spend Saturday nights with her...man I wish I had a girlfriend to spend tonight with... Basically, I think that once you are having sex, spending the night should be an option. Whoever is "hosting" the sex session shouldn't be telling the other one to get out afterwards...that's just the height of cold. Never put up with that again. One other thing that popped up at me was that you said "I do not like men who like me more than I like them. Complete turnoff. I have to like them more, but then pretend I don't." I believe you that that's your truth, as it speaks volumes that you wanted the Doctor to commit to you and yet he was always the one initiating contact. I think you liked it that way, even though it was an unhealthy arrangement. That's something you need to discuss in therapy. You also could analyze how it's possible for you to find a guy who wants you enough to have you in an LTR but he can't possibly like you more than you like him...I realize women find neediness to be a turnoff but it still confuses me... All that being said, you're going to be a catch once you figure out what you really want..."woman with high sex drive" is on most men's list of wants...just be sure that you end up with your share of cuddling and foreplay too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Naomi, are you sure you are not missing the sexy house, more than the sexy doctor?😝 Hahah! You know what sounds bad? I miss his TV most of all. Because honestly, the way you were describing him-cane, male boobs, gee doesn't look so sexy to me. Perhaps he needed dim lights in all rooms to hide his developping bosom. He reminds me of Clooney, but a more refined version, except Clooney didn't need a training bra. And even Clooney got married!! (But on a serious note, his physique went downhill because of lack of activity due to surgery. I'm sure he'll shape up in no time when the rehab gives him OK to work out again. But who cares? I'll be long gone.) I agree with others, you def. have charming way of thinking with endearing touches of cynical sense of humour. Awwww….thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 I only read some of the journals here...but today I decided to check yours out because it's so well-commented and because of the title...so I skimmed it here for about an hour due to being lonely and lazy on a Saturday. My overall thoughts are that you definitely made the right call in breaking up with the doctor in his 50s with the panty-dropping bachelor pad. It most definitely was going nowhere because he has the ability to have sex without it going anywhere. Even guys that would like to have no commitment oftentimes do commit because that's their only option for regular sex, particularly at his age when you're not really likely to strike anyone as h AWWW Thank you!!! I love this post. Thanks for reading. And you're right…I had the BEST contributors of all. Very, very in-tuned with relationships, very well-written advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Fudgie is right, you know...level of education or how good of a job you do at work doesn't have anything to do with your ability to be a good partner in relationships. Yes you trust a doctor who is operating on you, but you don't ask if he is on his fifth wife, you ask how many successful surgeries he has performed. If he can't hold onto a wife but is deft with a scalpel, hey that's great if he's your surgeon, because you don't need him to be a good man at home to do a good job at the hospital. This goes for any career...I recently read about a local bus driver in my city who retired last week after driving transit buses 42 years without an accident. That's impressive; I bet you would feel safe as a passenger on his bus...but was he a good partner? I don't know, the article was about his professional achievements. Likewise, you've probably worked with people who are good at their jobs but kinda suck on a personal level. Or people you like personally who are incompetent at work. They're not the same thing. When you're dating, you want to know what someone does for a living to make sure they have an income and can support themselves, and education can be nice because it can help with income and it shows someone is smart...but you have to remember this failed relationship always and need ever ever give anyone credit for being a good partner unless they prove that to you... And yes, it sounds like the man was honest with you about his wants--he never offered more than he was willing to...meaning trustworthiness isn't a silver bullet either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 You're only 25 and you have the insight of a 60-year-old professor. You're right about all of this. I did hold him to a higher standard once we started dating, but now I realize for all the reasons you pointed above that I had the wrong frame of mind. I won't be like your coworker. I can promise you that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Fudgie is right, you know...level of education or how good of a job you do at work doesn't have anything to do with your ability to be a good partner in relationships. Yes you trust a doctor who is operating on you, but you don't ask if he is on his fifth wife, you ask how many successful surgeries he has performed. If he can't hold onto a wife but is deft with a scalpel, hey that's great if he's your surgeon, because you don't need him to be a good man at home to do a good job at the hospital. I agree with most of what you wrote, but I DO believe if you're an outstanding employee it's typically because you're responsible and dependable, and it's hard to imagine those traits wouldn't carry over into interpersonal relationships as well. I'd rather date someone who'd been at the same job 25-plus years and made employee of the month countless times than someone who was bouncing around from job to job every six months. It's a reflection on their stability. Can the opposite be true? Of course, it can. I'm just stating generalizations. but you have to remember this failed relationship always and need ever ever give anyone credit for being a good partner unless they prove that to you... I love this sentence. And yes, it sounds like the man was honest with you about his wants--he never offered more than he was willing to...meaning trustworthiness isn't a silver bullet either. Yes…bottom line: He was not in love with me, so it doesn't really matter whether he served in Doctors without Borders or serves a frappucinos for a living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I hope you are still going to Bordeau! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 I hope you are still going to Bordeau! I hope I'm still going, too! Right now I am SLAMMED with work. SLAMMED. I think work is what's helping me from obsessing too much about him. That and this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I agree with most of what you wrote, but I DO believe if you're an outstanding employee it's typically because you're responsible and dependable, and it's hard to imagine those traits wouldn't carry over into interpersonal relationships as well. I'd rather date someone who'd been at the same job 25-plus years and made employee of the month countless times than someone who was bouncing around from job to job every six months. It's a reflection on their stability. Yes…bottom line: He was not in love with me, so it doesn't really matter whether he served in Doctors without Borders or serves a frappucinos for a living. You know, I'm with you, I'd want to date someone who was at a job for a long time doing a good job than someone who constantly bouncing from job to job. That does speak a lot about their stability. However, I can tell you, it doesn't always translate over to interpersonal relationships because then it's not a matter of stability, it's a matter of priority. You can be a fantastic employee but not that involved with family, and the reverse can be true too. I think job stability is important, don't get me wrong, but take it into account as "Would this person be a good fit long term with me in terms of finances", not "Would this person be a dependable, reliable partner for me?" I agree with your last statement. I do have hope for you and I know you're going to get through this. All of us at ENA are here for ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 My ex husband works 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. He is dependable, reliable and knowledgeable at work. He sucked at being a family man. Dedication to your profession doesn't necessarily mean dedication to personal relationships...as you now know. And no, him being a doctor doesn't give him a pass on things like basic courtesy. I bet you wouldn't accept the same treatment from the counter guy at Chipotle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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