Silverbirch Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I do not like this journal thing, BTW. And it was not my idea to change the location. I'm sorry if my suggestion was not a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Just a suggestion, OP: maybe you could PM a moderator and ask that all the unrelated posts (like about kitchens, cooking, etc.) be removed for "off-topic" reasons, and have the cleaned-up thread returned to the Dating forum, under the condition that it stick to the theme, which is asking about your relationship issue. Perhaps you can find a way to relocate the extraneous posts (before they're deleted) to a journal you start here, or take note of the information you wanted from those posts. A one-star rating means the worst possible rating for a thread, i.e., "it sucks." (in the legend for starring, the word is "terrible"). Pretty sure that wasn't your intended meaning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I would have been wasting my time had I let it continue past "the talk" because that's when my goal was defined more clearly in my mind and I clearly would be settling after that point. Good point. ^^^ ... For what it's worth... I don't think you wasted your time (I don't agree with that part of Ibit's post) even if it didn't turn out ideally because you have learned so much from the experience while enjoying the experience for what it was. I think many people have learned something from this thread as well because you have been so open to the advice and insight given. You're not like many that remain in victimhood and go on to a dynamic exactly the same and continue to wonder why the same thing keeps happening to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Good point. ^^^ ... For what it's worth... I don't think you wasted your time (I don't agree with that part of Ibit's post) even if it didn't turn out ideally because you have learned so much from the experience while enjoying the experience for what it was. I think many people have learned something from this thread as well because you have been so open to the advice and insight given. You're not like many that remain in victimhood and go on to a dynamic exactly the same and continue to wonder why the same thing keeps happening to them. Thanks for the validating words, ThatWasThen. Feeling pretty crummy tonight. Disappointed he let me walk away so easily. Still having doubts I pulled the plug too quickly on him, but it's been done and I will live with it. Been going to gym so much my Lululemon "In the Flow" leggings ripped (use your imagination where you think they ripped.) I brought them back to the store and they gave me a brand-new pair, even though those were over a year old!! Highlight of the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Sure, you could have kept it up for another 9 months. 9 months of continuing to have sex with a guy who flat out told you he doesn't love you and that you should date someone else if you want a boyfriend. What do you think 9 more months of this would have done to your self esteem? Would you have been able to look your friends in the eyes? How about looking at yourself in the mirror? Knowing you sacrificed your dignity just to keep catching the crumbs this man was throwing you? The mere fact that he didn't come back with "Please reconsider! You are important to me and I want you in my life! Please come back, I'd love to share more of my life with you!" proves you did the right thing. I bet there's no way you'd let a man you loved walk away without fighting for him. Why would you accept less from him? You're going to be a lean, mean fitness machine. Good for you for working off your emotions in the gym. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Sure, you could have kept it up for another 9 months. 9 months of continuing to have sex with a guy who flat out told you he doesn't love you and that you should date someone else if you want a boyfriend. No, I didn't mean continue on for nine months, of course not! I mean one last meeting. In the last convo where I said, "I'll think about it," he also said, "I'll think about it too," but then I just broke up with him. I might be splitting hairs, here, but I feel like I just preemptively pulled the plug and maybe should have seen him one last time. I do not regret my time spent with him, but I DO regret not taking more initiative. I read this article yesterday and the first three are me in regards to this experience with him, and I feel bad. link removed 5 Signs You’re Living Too Small The case for putting yourself out there. Post published by David Sack M.D. on Nov 04, 2014 in Where Science Meets the Steps How do you live your life? Do you proactively make the most of your talents and seek out fulfilling experiences and relationships? Or is your focus on avoiding pain, confrontation and embarrassment—in other words, making yourself as small a target as possible so the world won’t shoot you down? Putting yourself out there can be unsettling, but it feels worse to wonder what might have been. Are you giving yourself the chance to be your best and to experience all that you can? Or are you living a miniature life? Here are five signs you’re living too small for your inherent bigness: 1. You wait to be asked … … to speak in the meeting, to go to the movies, to have a turn with the karaoke mic, to join the conversation at a party, to share your opinion. Putting yourself forward is just not in your DNA. What if you speak up and say something stupid? What if you ask someone to the movies and they say no? Better to sit back and wait until someone begs you to join in. That way, if things go wrong, you can say, “Hey, it wasn’t my idea.” The reality: If you wait to be asked, the invitation may never come. Yes, that might mean you sometimes avoid embarrassment, but it also means you are going to miss chances to grow, learn, and just have fun. 2. You’ll do anything to avoid confrontation. No matter how big or legitimate your complaint, you can’t bring yourself to actually confront a person with your grievance. What if they get mad? What if they come up with some complaints about you in return? Instead, you live with the problem, and complain about your boss to your spouse, about your spouse to your friend, and about your friend to your sister, etc. The reality: It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but doing so in a diplomatic way is more respectful to everyone involved than venting behind someone's back. It’s also your best hope for bringing about real change. Give the person a chance to make things better or explain. You will both be better off for it. 3. You make room for the little stuff in your life before the big. Life seems full of minutia—errands, chores, email, to-do lists. But despite all the busyness, it doesn’t seem to add up to much at the end of the day. You often feel as though you’re missing the big picture. The reality: The oft-told story of the rocks in the jar applies here: If you put the little stuff in the jar first—the pebbles and the sand—you won’t have room for the rocks. But add the rocks first—the important things, such as family, health, faith and relationships—and the pebbles and the sand can be worked into the empty spaces. The point is not that there’s a way to squeeze everything into your life, but you should prioritize the things that really matter. Jochen Schoenfeld/Shutterstock Source: Jochen Schoenfeld/Shutterstock 4. Criticism lays you low rather than helping you grow. When discouraging words come your way, you see it as confirmation of what you suspected all along—I’m a loser. And it doesn’t even need to be words. A single disgusted look can make you wither. That’s why you wear a heavy coat of armor whenever you deal with people, whether at home, at work, or out in the world. You are eternally, exhaustingly, braced for attack. The reality: People usually mean a lot less by their criticism than we hear. Pay attention to your reaction the next time you are at the receiving end of a negative comment. Does your pulse race, does your face go red, or are you hearing the outraged or anguished commentary in your head rather than really listening to what the person is saying? Try to stop yourself and listen as though you were taking notes for another person. Is the criticism valid? Is there something to learn from it? If so, great! You’ve had a positive experience, albeit a painful one. If not, say, “I see your point but I disagree, and here’s why.” Then move on. 5. You plan more than you produce. You have ideas, maybe lots of them. You spend hours, weeks, months, even years thinking about them, planning them, and examining the pros and cons from all angles. But when push comes to shove, you find a million reasons not to do them. They probably won’t work anyway, you tell yourself. And what if you put your heart and soul into one of these projects and then it’s met with ridicule or, even worse, silence? Better to wait until everything is perfect. The reality: Yes, it would hurt if your brainchild were met with indifference or derision, but what’s the alternative? Never taking a chance? Never seeing what you can really do? Stripping away the layers of creativity until all that’s left is an inoffensive shell? Perfection is an illusion, of course, and virtually every success story is preceded by a string of failures, sometimes spectacular. Be willing to have your own. Even if nothing turns out as you planned, you’ll learn plenty about what to do next time. At the very least, you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I gave it my best shot.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I can relate to one of the points - you plan more than you produce. I am an avid over planner and don't execute as much as I would like. So, I can identify with that one in particular very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 After reading through your thread, I don't think you pulled the plug prematurely. The fact of the matter is that he was content to float along for as long as you are willing, but was never going to give you more. I kind of think that you were so afraid to ask him where you stand because deep down in your gut you've known all along that you won't like the answer given and the rest was just a matter of you reaching a point where you are ready to pull that plug....or as ready as you'll ever be. It still sucks, but good that you did it. One more date, one more week.....the outcome would have been the same. Just delaying the inevitable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 After reading through your thread, I don't think you pulled the plug prematurely. The fact of the matter is that he was content to float along for as long as you are willing, but was never going to give you more. I kind of think that you were so afraid to ask him where you stand because deep down in your gut you've known all along that you won't like the answer given and the rest was just a matter of you reaching a point where you are ready to pull that plug....or as ready as you'll ever be. It still sucks, but good that you did it. One more date, one more week.....the outcome would have been the same. Just delaying the inevitable. I agree with this. I know you wish it wasn't true. I know want to hold on to some hope somehow (am I wrong?) even if that means blaming yourself for not trying hard enough, not waiting patiently enough. We both (dare I say all?) know it wasn't true. DancingFool I am giving you a virtual thanks. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I miss him and I wish I made better decisions during the time I did have with him. Like initiating more. Calling more. Being more proactive. Then I can say I gave it my best shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Naomi - it would not make him want to commit. What I think they would have done if you reciprocated is got you to the heart of the matter faster - you would have thought months ago that you wanted more. Yes, you would have reciprocated and been more active in the dating process, but instead of him not inviting you to hang with his friends and you being puzzled or disappointed about it and trying to decipher it, he would have actively told you he didn't want you to come. You would still would have never met his family, friends, etc, except by accident, most likely. And you would have still been protective of your Pictionary group. But they might not have thought he was as bad as they do as long as you were happy. I still think you would have broken it off, but just earlier, because you want a little more. But - i don't have a crystal ball. But a man who doesn't really want to commit probably still wouldn't have. I know you are thinking "darn me for wanting more - i should have been content" but really, its like ripping the band aid off right now and you won't feel that way a month or two down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I agree with abitbroken, I don't think it would have changed the outcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 A man who desires a reciprocal, loving relationship would have asked you, "Why is it that I do all the initiating?" He would have been bothered by it. But it was all the same to him. But I do think that it's a learning experience for the next relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 A man who desires a reciprocal, loving relationship would have asked you, "Why is it that I do all the initiating?" He would have been bothered by it. But it was all the same to him. But I do think that it's a learning experience for the next relationship. You're right. I just wish I gave it my all, like with anything in life. Not really looking to change the outcome, but perhaps he and myself as well will remember that at least I tried my best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Hello to Naomi, Ms. Darcy, Abit, TOV, Bolt. This is where you all are (been away myself for some days travelling). Haven't read the posts, but reading yours Abit. Just thinking: Naomi, I understood you did not WANT to meet his friends, and you didn't want him to meet yours. Hope you are feeling better about all this, Naomi, and I suppose it is important to remember (as I mentioned so many times before) that there is a group of people who are confirmed singles and that's how it is. And of course there is the fact that the Dr. may have thought (if not informed otherwise) that confirmed singledom was what you wanted as well. He wasn't told otherwise till late in the day. But anyhow, it has ended, it isn't easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 You're right. I just wish I gave it my all, like with anything in life. Not really looking to change the outcome, but perhaps he and myself as well will remember that at least I tried my best. Naomi, in a way you did give it your all. Remember all your comments on here to posters about how he does not prefer a 'demanding' woman (not sure if that was the exact word but..). You realized that if you were too forward he would have backed off - so you did your best. Not to mention all the dinners, driving back and forth, giving him space etc. You did do your best. And your best is ENOUGH. Just not for douchebags that don't deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 What you gave him was all he wanted. He didn't WANT more. It would not have mattered if you called him more. Yes, he most certainly would have accepted the dinners and the sex. But do you really think he would have been on board with inviting you to hang out with him and his friends? Do you think he would have wanted to hang out with yours? Go on day or overnight trips? Really? The guy who can only sleep alone in his own bed going to a B & B or something? I know, you think "well, I could have asked" but remember, you were afraid to because you KNEW what the answer would be. Or at least you were pretty sure. Seeing him just one more time would have led to sex just one more time. Then here come the good old bonding hormones and you would have wanted to see him "just one MORE time", and then last February would have happened all over again. Yes, you did the right thing. Of course you feel fear, everyone does when they make a big decision. But that fear doesn't mean you were wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Thanks for the validating words, ThatWasThen. Feeling pretty crummy tonight. Disappointed he let me walk away so easily. Still having doubts I pulled the plug too quickly on him, but it's been done and I will live with it. I get that. You were enjoying your time with him, you liked him, you lusted after him... All of that is hard to suddenly go cold turkey from so you're going to have those days where you wish you were still getting an oxytocin rush with him. It doesn't mean you "loved" him though. It just means you are going through some withdrawl of no longer having him around. It too shall pass. Been going to gym so much my Lululemon "In the Flow" leggings ripped (use your imagination where you think they ripped.) I brought them back to the store and they gave me a brand-new pair, even though those were over a year old!! Highlight of the day. Bonus! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I wonder how freaked out you'd be if he actually called you and said he wants to be your "real boyfriend?" I think that would actually frighten you just as much as it did having to lead up to that talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I get that. You were enjoying your time with him, you liked him, you lusted after him... All of that is hard to suddenly go cold turkey from so you're going to have those days where you wish you were still getting an oxytocin rush with him. It doesn't mean you "loved" him though. It just means you are going through some withdrawl of no longer having him around. It too shall pass. Bonus! And won't it be kinda great when it DOES pass? You can lust after someone who doesn't have a cane. Someone who rushes through the door when you are walking in with groceries. Someone who gets excited to cook YOU a three course dinner. Someone with whom they can meet their parents, siblings, and have a family dinner laughing and playing pictionary. He couldn't provide you any of those things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 There is another poster Lucha who just posted today that she is finally over her last relationship. Her relationship lasted for about 8 months and ended about a year and a half ago. Looking forward to the day you are "over" this one. It will come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 There is another poster Lucha who just posted today that she is finally over her last relationship. Her relationship lasted for about 8 months and ended about a year and a half ago. Looking forward to the day you are "over" this one. It will come. Good lord. I refuse to be despondent for a year and a half over him. I give myself one more week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Naomi, what if you are not "over" him in a week? Please don't beat yourself up if you're not. My most recent LTR was with a guy who was not worth a darn. "Worked" for his dad (which involved sleeping until 2 pm, then puttering around in the garage for a few hours drinking beer while making $8 an hour whether he showed up or not), sold drugs, lived in a really, really bad neighborhood (until his current GF burned his house down...now he lives in a converted office in a garage with no shower in the very same bad neighborhood), seldom bathed and only brushed his teeth once a week, and even with all that, he lied and cheated CONSTANTLY...and it took me moving out of state a year and a half after he dumped me for me to get "over it". Yeah, even a loser like that. So, you can probably cut yourself some slack if you're still feeling hurt for a few more weeks. As long as you continue with the No Contact and do not give in to the impulse to have sex with him "just one more time"...you will do fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I will NOT contact him to have sex or any other reason. I'm just irritated he's not contacting me to have sex. Humph. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I will NOT contact him to have sex or any other reason. I'm just irritated he's not contacting me to have sex. Humph.Stop being such a chick. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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