tiredofvampires Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I think your original post stated something like you can narrow down what you're searching for…men will list long-term, casual, blah blah. But I am not skilled at determining who is a player or not by photos. That is something I have to work on… It's not just about photos. It's the entire content of what they have written. I have made contact with quite a lot of men in online dating, and not once have I encountered someone who was dishonest about his intentions. I haven't met all the men I've interacted with, or gotten into a relationship with them all, but I have yet to interact with a player. Then again, I'm not contacting men who look suave and dashing and fashionable. I'm contacting down-to-earth looking men with eyes that look sensitive and have profiles that show up a quirky and kind heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I think your original post stated something like you can narrow down what you're searching for…men will list long-term, casual, blah blah. But I am not skilled at determining who is a player or not by photos. That is something I have to work on…It's not the photos, it's how they are communicating with you during their initial contact. If all someone is talking to you about is flirtations, sex and how good you look then you can pretty much be confident in assuming that all they want is what those things usually lead up to. Naomi, do you find the men that email you from OLD intriguing if they are being a gentlemanly and keeping their contact about getting to know you before they lead up to asking you out or do you gravitate towards the playful ones that flirt, talk innuendo, tell you how attractive/hot you are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Well, at least now you're proclaiming two selfish people and not just blaming Doc for this going on as long as it did. I hope there are lots of lurkers to this thread because there is gold in all the advice and all the insight and the light bulbs going off and the learning being done by you, N. Thanks, ThatWasThen I did the best with the cards I was dealt with. I think right now, I need to relax and quit feeding myself the "what ifs" and just let my decision play out and accept everything that comes along with it; the devastation, the growth, the experience, meeting you all here. Contrary to how I felt a couple of days ago, I thought about it hard, and I'm GLAD he's not contacting me! Because I asked him "please, no need to contact…" and he is respecting my wish. He is respecting my wish AND he still says he would be honored and very happy to be my friend. I couldn't ask for a better ending than this (maybe except a parking spot.) Anyways, who the F knows what is going to happen tomorrow? Maybe I don't get my period and pregnant with his cold-blooded lizard lovechild. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 It's not the photos, it's how they are communicating with you during their initial contact. If all someone is talking to you about is flirtations, sex and how good you look then you can pretty much be confident in assuming that all they want is what those things usually lead up to. And all that, too. Initial contacts should be thoughtful both ways, with plenty of interesting conversation that isn't conquest-driven to keep me going. I wrote that I wanted to start with a friendship, and I'm looking for men who are resonating with that -- so I can tell when a man's attitude is reflective of that, and when he's just overlooked/ignored that because he's making a play. A good screening process will weed out a lot of undesirable items from your net that you cast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 lol... Even if you are with lizard... You're better off just having your lawyer send him a amphibian support payment schedule and get on with being the witty you without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 It's not the photos, it's how they are communicating with you during their initial contact. If all someone is talking to you about is flirtations, sex and how good you look then you can pretty much be confident in assuming that all they want is what those things usually lead up to. Naomi, do you find the men that email you from OLD intriguing if they are being a gentlemanly and keeping their contact about getting to know you before they lead up to asking you out or do you gravitate towards the playful ones that flirt, talk innuendo, tell you how attractive/hot you are? I never ever date anyone who messages me flirty messages. The ones I am drawn to are the ones with brevity who have something to say about what I've written. FYI The doctor contacted me first. We talked about careers and piano. Nothing about being hot. He asked me out. I accepted. I also should say with the exception of the first kiss on the first date, he did not initiate anything physical with me…he let me do it all and prefaced physical contact with "We don't have to do this if you don't want" for the first couple of weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Snipped... quoted wrong poster: Was meaning to post TOV: Just a cautionary note about stating what you (the gen. you) are "looking for" as "Friends." I think this day and age, far too many would view that as the member is seeking Friends with Benefits. It's a dating site afterall where people go to date in various dynamics (including what our Naomi and Doc had (which for all intents and purposes was just that FWB) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I never ever date anyone who messages me flirty messages. The ones I am drawn to are the ones with brevity who have something to say about what I've written. FYI The doctor contacted me first. We talked about careers and piano. Nothing about being hot. He asked me out. I accepted. I also should say with the exception of the first kiss on the first date, he did not initiate anything physical with me…he let me do it all and prefaced physical contact with "We don't have to do this if you don't want" for the first couple of weeks.What an awesome time to ask him (before you got bizzzy) what his end dating goal was. (see how I did that?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 What an awesome time to ask him (before you got bizzzy) what his end dating goal was. (see how I did that?) No way! If he said "nothing serious," my hormones would have gotten the better of me, I would have boned him anyway, then really really really looked like a hussy. Anyway, I didn't know what I wanted then. Still don't, kinda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Snipped... quoted wrong poster: Was meaning to post TOV: Just a cautionary note about stating your "looking for" as "Friends." I think this day and age, far too many would view that as the member is seeking Friends with Benefits. It's a dating site afterall where people go to date in various dynamics (including what our Naomi and Doc had (which for all intents and purposes was just that FWB) That's a good point, and one that I haven't given a lot of thought to, but I'm not worried about leaving that open to interpretation, partly because I have been quite descriptive of what friendship/love mean to me in my write-up, so no one can misunderstand that if they're halfway intelligent; and partly because if they do misinterpret me, it'll become readily apparent in the things they say as we start to talk. So that's a chance I'm willing to take. My profile is not remarkable for its brevity (just as I'm not, here), and I think it's quite unambiguous that I'm a serious-minded person based on my wording, as well as if anyone were to look at the way I've answered questions in the survey (at least on OKC). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 No way! If he said "nothing serious," my hormones would have gotten the better of me, I would have boned him anyway, then really really really looked like a hussy. Why would you look like a hussy? You're a viable young woman in her sexual prime (which is why young men hit on older women) and you went with what you were feeling. That doesn't mean that you have to go back to have more meaningless sex if its not what you want in the long run but at least if you do go back for more, you know you can't allow yourself to become vulnerable to him. Becoming vulnerable is how you fall in love so that is what you don't allow and you don't allow it by refraining from doing any bonding rituals: No sleeping over, no meeting friends and family, no cuddling and no talking about personal matters that will make you think that he is more important to you then what he actually is. Anyway, I didn't know what I wanted then. Still don't, kinda.This is the problem and this is the problem that was pointed out way back on page one. Before you start dating again, you really should figure that out because I fear that you will just keep finding men that do not want anything other then what Doc wants. If you don't know your end dating goal then that would be a really good reason why you don't like asking your dates what they want. Their answer would just confuse you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you!!!! I love this message!! Although I am NOT MAKING MYSELF THE VICTIM, I do take comfort in knowing that he's most likely treated all of the women in his life this way and it wasn't because of something I said or did or how I look. And I am doing exactly this! Want to go to cooking classes in Bordeaux this fall and checking into it. link removed image removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Oh I could totally date you Mrs Darcy, You are an intelligent woman. But my point was about what Bluebells wrote, that her style of dating was just fine. The hardest part of getting into a relationship is getting it off the ground. And we all have our different styles off how to get it off the ground. This. And note this is coming from a guy. Also Ms Darcy, I think you're making too many assumptions in the post above. No way ever would I engage in sex/girlfriend type behaviours to get a guy in a relationship. If I felt at any point that I would want a relationship with him, then I would most definitely have the talk and let him know. I'm talking about what to tell complete strangers - to me going up to a complete stranger and saying 'hey so what are you looking for with the opposite sex because just to let you know, I'm only looking for a serious relationship' is a bit unnatural. After a few dates, sure we can talk more specifically about what we are looking for with each other. But as Apple's story illustrates, sometimes a few dates is a few dates too many. Hey, look at that ... coming from a guy, he would be willing to date someone like me. Exciting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Next time you date just put so much time and effort making "cozy time" to someone who is showing you in actions that they want to put just as much time and effort into making "cozy time" for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Don't think I ever 100 percent made myself vulernable to him, quite honestly. Anyway if I was going to get into another relationship similar to the doctor's, I might as well just stick with the doctor. At least he can prescribe me Plan B in event of an "oopsie" and Latisse. And also afford a reasonable child support. That alone is worth parking up the street for. You know I'm joking, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Hey, look at that ... coming from a guy, he would be willing to date someone like me. Exciting! Touche... lolzzz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That's a good point, and one that I haven't given a lot of thought to, but I'm not worried about leaving that open to interpretation, partly because I have been quite descriptive of what friendship/love mean to me in my write-up, so no one can misunderstand that if they're halfway intelligent; and partly because if they do misinterpret me, it'll become readily apparent in the things they say as we start to talk. So that's a chance I'm willing to take. Fair enough, but I'd want to weed out the pond scum as quickly as possible and not bother with the contact at all. I'd be there to reach my end dating goal and I'd not want to make "friends" but rather one friend who became that after we became an exclusive couple of the committed kind. I may start out saying "friends" if the hubs and I ever parted ways but that would just to get some strange in the first attempt at dating again. (it's been just me and the hubs forevva.. lolzz) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Maybe this one got lost in the shuffle or no one cared to comment, but all of the mystery and going with the flow works when you are 18 - have at it, but as I have gotten older and don't have the inclination to participate in games, being upfront works wonders. My boyfriend and I knew that we weren't interested in something casual, that we wanted "friends first" to get to know eachother, and we both wanted to ultimately meet someone who was our match for the long term. He asked if I would ever get married again (i am divorced,) and what my views of kids were to know if he could continue with me. If we hadn't, then we would have had 4-5 nice dates and released eachother to find our match no harm no foul. we didn't bring up "i want a relationship" again because we didn't need to. You CAN go with the flow ONCE you have the green light to go with the flow because you are on the same page. You can make it up as you go along and see if a relationship comes to fruition or if you find you don't click - and not really talk much about what you want in general anymore. The small wants - like you would like someone to leave a parking spot open when you come over - are small wants - that are mentioned day to day - but you don't have to mention the big wants every day at all. btw, the "friends" thing - we were clearly more than friends the whole time, but he didn't want a woman to get the impression that he was out to jump in the sack on the first date. It was more about establishing a relationship unconfused by sex bonding hormones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Hey, look at that ... coming from a guy, he would be willing to date someone like me. Exciting! Sure, although I'd stay away from guys looking to date married women.... I think the point I was trying to make was lost/contorted a bit. I'm not saying to carry on with someone for months, have sex, etc and then ask whether they're looking for a relationship. I'm just trying to point out that whether you say you want a relationship or not, there will always be some that mislead. The guy I posted about also told me in the beginning that he would love a relationship. And no, I didn't continue down the road to sex with him because his actions were not matching his words. I just think there are other ways to determine a non-serious type rather than what they say upfront - no regular communication, sexually oriented communication, etc. I'm just not comfortable with having a 'what are you looking for' type of conversation with someone before date 1 (except in certain cases where they straight up ask me because they want to make it clear they only want fun). Apple did and still wasted 7-8 dates worth of time/emotions. Luck of the draw is pretty big in OLD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 BThank you!!!! I love this message!! Although I am NOT MAKING MYSELF THE VICTIM, I do take comfort in knowing that he's most likely treated all of the women in his life this way and it wasn't because of something I said or did or how I look. And I am doing exactly this! Want to go to cooking classes in Bordeaux this fall and checking into it. link removed image removed OMG Naomi!! That is FANTASTIC and sounds PERFECT for YOU! if that is you in the photo and the avatar pic, you are BEAUTIFUL! LOL, you are reminding me of that film ? Julie and Julia. I would so love to do something like that myself - well actually, I would so love to be an expert fresh pasta maker. Love French and a italian, and making up my own recipes (as Im vegetarian) but so inspired by European cooking! Congratulations, and I doubt very much it was anything you did. It's possible that he feels a bit guilty because he knows there would be any number of men who would be able to give you more - and he knows he will be old while you are still relatively young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank You for the wonderful link - ITALY - as well as the beautiful photos and recipes, loved the dinnerware - I collect a couple of very specific types of Italian crockery from around 1960 - Quadrifoglio link removed link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 This is a great post and I can see how it's beneficial dating step-by-step in this succession. I still think saying "I want a relationship!" on the first date is like saying "I want to be struck by lightning!" It'll happen when it happens. Until then, I want great chemistry, good food, laughing, company. And if it develops into something more, then great. Then I can say "I want a relationship with YOU" and know it is genuine because I've done my due diligence with the person who interests me as opposed to stating it to every Tom, and Harry that I date, and potentially scaring them off before we have a chance to know each other. And I've NEVER felt like I wasted my time with the doctor. In fact, I wish I had more time with him. Feel sad we never got to experience little weekend trips to the woods or drives to a goat farm or lying on a raft on a fresh-water lake. He didn't have the bandwidth for that. Idiot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank You for the wonderful link - ITALY - as well as the beautiful photos and recipes, loved the dinnerware - I collect a couple of very specific types of Italian crockery from around 1960 - Quadrifoglio link removed link removed That's Mimi Thorisson holding the glass of wine, the chef who will be teaching the classes. She lives in Bordeaux, France but the photos in the blog are in Italy. Your china is GORGEOUS! Never heard of Quadrifoglio! I will keep my eye out for that name when I go to estate sales, etc. I used to think everything must match…silverware, china, placemats. Now I'm of the mindset that things are much more beautiful and stand out when there's contrast. So now everything is mismatched when I throw dinner for my friends. I put all of my silverware in a crock in the middle of the table like a vase of wildflowers, and it's a free for all…they grab utensil they want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That's Mimi Thorisson holding the glass of wine, the chef who will be teaching the classes. She lives in Bordeaux, France but the photos in the blog are in Italy. Your china is GORGEOUS! Never heard of Quadrifoglio! I will keep my eye out for that name when I go to estate sales, etc. I used to think everything must match…silverware, china, placemats. Now I'm of the mindset that things are much more beautiful and stand out when there's contrast. So now everything is mismatched when I throw dinner for my friends. I put all of my silverware in a crock in the middle of the table like a vase of wildflowers, and it's a free for all…they grab utensil they want. Hi Naomi. I'm a bit like you re the crockery. Most of my dinnerware is the classic white with the fruit design embedded in the border, but I also collect various types vintage blue and white and mix that in with the white. I like to make the table setting nice and have a smallish collection of ceramic port wine demijohn decanters which I use as vases - mostly from local wineries. I hear the French Provincial is the best. You have inspired me to go search out a lady known as Nonna whose family own a vineyard winery about an hour from me. She teaches how to make the chocolate canoli from scratch, but class gets booked out very quickly. I hope she is still teaching it. Will post you a link if she is. I visited Mimi's FB page and saw the pic of her on the cover of the magazine in Birdeaux. It looks BEAUTIFUL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 The difference between you and she is that she said no, that's not good enough for me (as soon as she realized that he wasn't going to make it so she reached her end dating goal. She knows what she wants so she can quickly exit stage left when it's not materializing. Actually, there really isn't a difference. Because I said no, I'm moving on too, as soon as the doctor stated he couldn't provide anything more serious. I did it within one week after our talk. We just got to enjoy eight months of, ahem, exercise beforehand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.