abitbroken Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Naomi, you said posts or pages ago that you want to get to know someone and don't want to bring up the important questions like "What are you looking for," "do you smoke?" "I don't want children," etc.... why are you so afraid of offending a stranger? Actually, they won't be offended. They are also looking for their match - whether it be a long term girlfriend, marriage, a fling, etc. If you ask those questions, you can both decide to not go further to be able to be freed up to find what you are looking for than BOTH wasting your time. Even if you are on the same page, it doesn't mean that person will be a love match and you might end up breaking up anyway when you decide you just aren't feeling it, but you know off the bat that you can give yourself permission to fall for the person or you can even simply go on the fifth date. I certainly wouldn't get intimate before you knew a very few basics because otherwise all those bonding hormones will make it hard to cut the tie from Mr. Committed Smoker Drug User Looking for an Egg Donor. I would be more upset if someone broke up with me in a year or two because I wasn't what they were looking for than if we went out on two or three dates and it wasn't a match, despite his dreamy appearance, you know? Its all about standards and boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolovehim Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I think Ms Darcy is saying that the person wants the relationship. And you also want the relationship, but with who? Everyone has their own defination of words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I find that VERY few guys in OLD will say they want something serious. Isn't it more natural for guys not to date for relationships anyway? How does one deal with that? I don't know what age range you're looking in, or how old you are, but many, many men in Naomi's/my age range are definitely looking to date for relationships with OLD. Certainly, many are in their 50's, too (and mid-late 30's). Not only do I have no trouble finding them, but they outnumber the men who don't want anything serious by a wide margin. (Though a lot of men seem to be willing to settle for something not-too-serious UNTIL they find the proper Ms. Right. But those are still in the minority, versus those who don't want casual dating with no end goal.) You do have to read profiles carefully, and any other indicators on the site of what they are interested in (I prefer OKCupid because their extensive questionnaire asks a ton of questions that reveal dating preferences, life goals, values, etc.) It somewhat depends on what site you're using, some are better than others, but read men's essays with a mind to get a feel of how committed-minded they are, how much they're serious about a love relationship, their core values. It's not hard to size such things up on most profiles. Most profiles even have some canned basics question like what type of relationship members are looking for, where you type in a box what you're interested in (such as, "short-term relationship, long-term relationship, casual sex, friends, activity partner", etc.) It's not an issue -- in the vast majority of profiles I've looked at in this age range, men are indicating they want something leading to a serious and hopefully lasting relationship, either explicitly or implicitly. Whether they're ready for that and capable is another matter, but at least those are their stated desires and intentions. I've seen plenty of men outright state that they are not interested in flings, and want to find their best friend/lover. No shortage. I would strongly disagree with the statement that most men are not dating for relationships, or that it's more natural for them not to do so. Some sites also allow you to search with a more fine-tuned search function for men who indicate they're looking for marriage, an LTR, etc. So technology is your friend with many dating sites. Also, depending on what you write in your profile, you're bound to attract at least some men who are serious. What you say about yourself (and how you say it) is critical. If you write stuff that might indicate you just want to date with no agenda, just want to have fun, "just want to see what's out there", it will sounds like you're not serious and looking for same. If you write things like, "I want someone with whom I can share everything, who will be my rock and me theirs," for example, etc., that conveys the message that you are not dilly-dallying around and more serious prospects will be drawn in. So what YOU write/indicate determines a lot of what you will attract (sure, many will just come around sniffing for sex, but that's par for the course and you'll just have to weed those out early on. And with OLD opening lines, that's not hard to read). I see a lot of lonely and/or romantic men who want a deep relationship, who are emotionally open, who desire a partner for life, not just a passing thing. That's not the problem, the problem is finding one who is compatible, lives nearby (or is willing to invest in an LDR), and I'm attracted to all in one person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Thanks for that helpful input. The age range is 31 - 37 and yes I do clearly state I'm looking for long-term on my profile on one of the sites that has that option. I tend to find the super attactive, square jaw types always end up saying they're just looking for fun so maybe I need to look beyond these kinds...Plus I think it depends on location too - I live in a big European city. If I was looking in a smaller town, I might get more serious types. Sorry don't mean to hijack/derail your thread Naomi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Thanks for that helpful input. The age range is 31 - 37 and yes I do clearly state I'm looking for long-term on my profile on one of the sites that has that option. I tend to find the super attactive, square jaw types always end up saying they're just looking for fun so maybe I need to look beyond these kinds...Plus I think it depends on location too - I live in a big European city. If I was looking in a smaller town, I might get more serious types. Sorry don't mean to hijack/derail your thread Naomi! And I just added to my post above, that there is a search function on many dating sites where you can find men who have indicated the same type of relationship you are looking for. Like, you can search for men who have indicated "marriage", for instance. Or "friends". Or "casual sex." Yes, well, it does have a lot to do with your ability to get a sense of personality looking at their expression and vibe, coupled with what they write. People-reading sensitivity is definitely an important ability for OLD. I'd agree with you that the type you're looking at may have something to do with the results you're getting. There ARE certain types that I avoid just based on pictures because it's pretty clear to me that they are not my type, but usually I rely on what they say to back that up. With some it's hard to tell, but there are those where it's almost like a stereotype of something unsuitable and those are easy to spot (the type you describe is not usually going to say they love poetry readings, old-school furniture, working with stray rescued animals, etc.) I find profiles with faces that are more ambiguous/serious with more thought put into an original essay are the ones to pay attention to. It sounds like you're going for the "pretty face". Not the content. I think location has less to do with it, and in fact, in a city, you can find more different types of men, so overall I'd take it over a provincial town. I don't look at jawline. I look at the eyes, most of all. And smile/expression. These are your cues, with looks. As for personality, a short self-summary without any personal detail, chock-a-block with cliches and generic lines like "living life to its fullest" and just a list of hobbies, tend to be signs to me of someone who hasn't given this much thought (and I don't require a creative line a second, some people are better in real time than on a written page, but it does have to appear that you've got something to say of substance). If you haven't given your profile much thought or time, you're not serious (or you're lazy), and therefore, I pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 My friend Carol is now kicking herself because she thinks she "pushed away" her Mr. Unavailable by asking about their relationship status 8 months in. Even Mr. Unavailable himself didn't think that was a pushy or unreasonable question after 8 months. You really should direct her to this thread. I know exactly how she feels. It's Saturday and I feel like I'm about to have a meltdown right now. Over what???? ThatWasThen said it perfectly, "You hardly knew him well to miss him." All…and I mean ALL of my friends keep telling me what a douche bag he was and I will see it in two months' time; although I am completely having my doubts about leaving. I really looked forward to seeing him all week. Planning menus, outfits, which cute panty and bralette set I was going to wear. Researching different desserts…pouring through Bon Appetit magazine and slapping Post-its on recipes I though we'd both enjoy. Being in his company, catching up, telling crazy stories of things that happened throughout the week. Cuddling, playing piano, smelling him. It was all very superficial, but I loved it. Sigh... Carol should change her perspective. She could either see it as pushing him away or an opportunity to remove herself from an unpleasant situation, which is what I am striving soooo hard to do: Look at the big picture. I don't want the doctor surprising me with "Oh, sweetie, we have to have a talk. I'm sleeping with someone else now, so let's be friends without the sex." NO WAY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Sorry don't mean to hijack/derail your thread Naomi! This is not "my" thread. It's everyone's thread. We are in this together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I don't want the doctor surprising me with "Oh, sweetie, we have to have a talk. I'm sleeping with someone else now, so let's be friends without the sex." NO WAY. Naomi I hate saying this, and I am not saying it to hurt you. I think if you admit that this is at least a possibility, it will in the long run help you. I don't think there's any risk of the doctor saying that. Sadly I think the biggest benefit to him was the sex. So if he did indeed find it elsewhere, the thought to contact you may not even occur to him. These are my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Do you really want to go back to all that. And of course, I forgot the most important thing...you did all this for him and HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU. Sorry to yell, but I'm just trying to give some perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I am completely having my doubts about leaving. I really looked forward to seeing him all week. Planning menus, outfits, which cute panty and bralette set I was going to wear. Researching different desserts…pouring through Bon Appetit magazine and slapping Post-its on recipes I though we'd both enjoy. Being in his company, catching up, telling crazy stories of things that happened throughout the week. Cuddling, playing piano, smelling him. It was all very superficial, but I loved it. Sigh... If you truly feel this way, then why don't you go back and continue? Do you want a relationship or just his company? If you just want company, then what was this thread for lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Naomi I hate saying this, and I am not saying it to hurt you. I think if you admit that this is at least a possibility, it will in the long run help you. I don't think there's any risk of the doctor saying that. Sadly I think the biggest benefit to him was the sex. So if he did indeed find it elsewhere, the thought to contact you may not even occur to him. These are my thoughts. I realize all of that…that's why I don't want to see him anymore. And I already know he isn't going to contact me regardless if he's getting sex elsewhere or not. It doesn't matter. It's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Do you really want to go back to all that. And of course, I forgot the most important thing...you did all this for him and HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU. Sorry to yell, but I'm just trying to give some perspective. I know I know I know I know… He didn't love me. I know it. Yes, he did comment about the blouses and lingerie. Mostly "that bra is too itchy and rough against my skin…let's take it off." I think I need a hobby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you aren't offended when I say I kind of understand some of the feelings. Perhaps we can use some of the hurt to be more selective and avoid the same mistakes in the future. Did you get a chance to look at that link I posted in the wee hours of the morning. It was *such* a good article. Here it is again: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 If you truly feel this way, then why don't you go back and continue? Do you want a relationship or just his company? If you just want company, then what was this thread for lol Because I want something more stable. He didn't love me and NEVER had my best interest. I want to do all those things for someone who has my best interest as a priority. I didn't even come second. Maybe sixth. After his precious dining room table. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you aren't offended when I say I kind of understand some of the feelings. Perhaps we can use some of the hurt to be more selective and avoid the same mistakes in the future. Did you get a chance to look at that link I posted in the wee hours of the morning. It was *such* a good article. Here it is again: link removed xox I am NOT offended at all. I did read that article earlier this morning, and I've read articles like that in the past with the cues to look for in a commitmentphobe. Not sure if all applies to him, but it's an eyeopener and something to look for in the futures. Thank you…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 xox I am NOT offended at all. I did read that article earlier this morning, and I've read articles like that in the past with the cues to look for in a commitmentphobe. Not sure if all applies to him, but it's an eyeopener and something to look for in the futures. Thank you…. I think somewhere in the article it says that even if someone has ONE of these issues, it should make you stop and seriously think. And the more they have the worse it is of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Because I want something more stable. He didn't love me and NEVER had my best interest. I want to do all those things for someone who has my best interest as a priority. I didn't even come second. Maybe sixth. After his precious dining room table. Hoooray! I'm pleased you look at it that way. All we really want from our partners in life is for them to have our backs. I'm so proud of you girl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 See the thing is that I don't see 'seeing what's out there' and 'going with the flow' as being contrary to 'looking for a relationship'. In fact, I give the answer of 'seeing how things go' too even though I ultimately want a serious relationship. It's because you can't tell whether you want a relationship with the person or not in the early days - you're just feeling things out. Also, I like things to be natural - seems like the only way to fall in love. However I think that when these phrases are used by someone who doesn't want anything serious no matter how things go, then I think that it is a bit misleading. Well, if you don't see how they don't mean the same thing, then IF you are struggling in dating that might be one reason why. 'Seeing what's out there' means to me you are just trying to learn how to date again after some absence (usually after a break up, or you moved to a new city). It's non-committal. "Going with the flow" means if you like someone, maybe it can go somewhere but you don't care too much. "Looking for a relationship" means you have an intention or a goal in mind. If you are wanting a relationship (not necessarily with that guy but with a guy) and you say you are "seeing what's out there" you are being misleading. Why the heck wouldn't you say you have a general goal of a relationship? Because you think you would scare him off? Well, if so, then YOU would be misleading HIM in the hopes that sex and 'girlfriend-like' behavior would magically make him want to commit to you after a while. I sometimes think people (but unfortunately this happens with women a little more often with men), try to play games with words and get upset when things don't go their way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Why the heck wouldn't you say you have a general goal of a relationship? Because you think you would scare him off? It's not sexy to walk around proclaiming to every date that is your goal. There is no mystery in that, no chase, and no spark. How boring to walk around all day, saying to every man "I want a relationship". Love is a game, and that is not fun. So yes for me, I would run for the hills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I don't know if anyone articulated this before but it seems like you guys had a friends with benefits (fwb) situation. The problem with them, which we see all the time here, is that one person catches feelings while the other doesn't. There is a great article that, if you can ignore the religious references, does speak to these situations very well: link removed Excerpt: "We live in a culture with a high tolerance for ambiguity. From our fear of calling things right and wrong, to our inability to see things as black-and-white, we’ve become a society that’s comfortable living in the gray. While that may be good and acceptable in some aspects of life, this lack of certainty has seeped into the way we do relationships. And it’s causing some major damage. One specific way we see this ambiguity played out is within the context of our “friendships” with the opposite sex. I hear from so many people who are broken, confused and paralyzed in their ability to trust simply due to the confusion they’ve experienced as a result of the friends with benefits epidemic. Friends by day, and make out partners by night. No clear direction of where the relationship is headed, or if there’s even really a relationship at all. Free to call themselves “single,” yet completely attached to a relationship that sometimes feels like an addiction. Read more at link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 It's not sexy to walk around proclaiming to every date that is your goal. There is no mystery in that, no chase, and no spark. How boring to walk around all day, saying to every man "I want a relationship". Love is a game, and that is not fun. So yes for me, I would run for the hills. i just got off the phone with a guy I met on Okcupid and he was asking me specifically (on the first phone call) what my relationship and family goals are. I get it - there's no point in meeting if you want 10 kids and the other person wants 0. He was just cognizant of "not wanting to waste our times" - we're both busy professionals, there's no point in talking/dating if people have totally different life goals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 It's not sexy to walk around proclaiming to every date that is your goal. There is no mystery in that, no chase, and no spark. How boring to walk around all day, saying to every man "I want a relationship". Love is a game, and that is not fun. So yes for me, I would run for the hills. And you would not be the one for me. For every relationship I have had, I have said - casually but clearly and usually in a playful manner - that I am looking for a long-term relationship within the first three or four dates. It's never been a big deal. But again, I tended to date men (when I was dating) who are looking for a long-term relationship and were past the game-playing stage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 It's not sexy to walk around proclaiming to every date that is your goal. There is no mystery in that, no chase, and no spark. How boring to walk around all day, saying to every man "I want a relationship". Love is a game, and that is not fun. So yes for me, I would run for the hills. I disagree. I have goals regardless of who I went out on a first date with. (And they have nothing to do with my goals). Whether or not they are good enough to be considered boyfriend material for me does not change the fact that I am looking for an amazing boyfriend. To the contrary, someone who has no goals and doesn't even know what they want is so not sexy. It sounds like a description of someone naive or stupid, and I am attracted to neither. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 i just got off the phone with a guy I met on Okcupid and he was asking me specifically (on the first phone call) what my relationship and family goals are. I get it - there's no point in meeting if you want 10 kids and the other person wants 0. He was just cognizant of "not wanting to waste our times" - we're both busy professionals, there's no point in talking/dating if people have totally different life goals. I met my husband through OK Cupid. We had two phone conversations before we met and we had a similar conversation as you describe Annie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 And you would not be the one for me. For every relationship I have had, I have said - casually but clearly and usually in a playful manner - that I am looking for a long-term relationship within the first three or four dates. It's never been a big deal. But again, I tended to date men (when I was dating) who are looking for a long-term relationship and were past the game-playing stage. Oh I could totally date you Mrs Darcy, You are an intelligent woman. But my point was about what Bluebells wrote, that her style of dating was just fine. The hardest part of getting into a relationship is getting it off the ground. And we all have our different styles off how to get it off the ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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