bluebell29 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yes there definitely seem to be people well into their 40s who prefer to be single (more men than women). It's hurtful to get involved with people like this when you're looking for commitment. Some do have the self awareness to say it up front, others don't. I'm actually wondering whether online dating is making this more common. Before OLD, a big motivation for men to get into relationships was sex. Now they can just swipe away for the next partner. Thanks to OLD, the women out there who want relationships are getting the short end of the stick in my opinion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 While trying to move away from an unhealthy attachment to a Mr.Unavailable, do you ever think of all of his bad qualities and keep focusing on them to disgust yourself? Do you think this is a good approach? For example: He was way too hairy anyway - a big drain clog! He lifted heavy and was so likely to injure himself, cripple himself. He couldn't even walk half a mile without needing to sit down bc his back hurt (online dating profile says he can run over a mile, yeah right!) He kept chewing gum (I hate gum) He ate yucky fast food and drank soda all the time, at the same time claiming he knows a lot about nutrition He was insecure and kept worrying that I was smarter than him (?) Possible ED! Bites nails (including toenails. Yes.) I've done this and will make a list and pull it out whenever I am feeling weak. It really helps! Funny how at times like this we only recall the good things. And it's just not the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I agree Hermes. I think the disconnect may be that some thing you should state you have no interest in a relationship in the beginning. I personally can't imagine giving someone access to my body without knowing and stating what I want though - regardless of what they don't say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happy_snapper Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Thanks to OLD, the women out there who want relationships are getting the short end of the stick in my opinion... Well they may be getting the short end of the stick, but the men who want relationships are just left looking longingly at the stick, wishing they could have the short end once in a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Not really, Bluebell. Way back before internet there were bachelors/singles too. Any I knew seemed satisfied enough with their state. There are people who simply prefer that lifestyle. They are quite right not to enter the married state or partnership state, if they are aware they are not suited to it. What I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with wishing to remain single/bachelor. It is a choice, and if they are happy in themselves, then why not! Why is it hurtful to get involved with "someone like this". Eyes wide open and all that. If you are told "this is who and what I am, and if you wish us to continue seeing each other or whatever, then you need to be aware of my position". No one holds a gun to anyone's head. If you meet someone and he (or she) is a confirmed single, young, old or older then you also have to choice not to take the matter any further. I really wouldn't know about OLD. Never tried it, never had to try it lol. And definitely not interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I've done this and will make a list and pull it out whenever I am feeling weak. It really helps! Funny how at times like this we only recall the good things. And it's just not the case. Yep, really big on lists. Also big on writing text messages that I will never send! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Well they may be getting the short end of the stick, but the men who want relationships are just left looking longingly at the stick, wishing they could have the short end once in a while. Haha. Someone needs to alert Tinder and the like to this diastrous sociological fallout of their business practices... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Reinvent, so why in the name of all that's powerful would you first have been attracted to and taken up with someone with all those unattractive traits and habits in the first instance? I ask... Hairy, a junk food addict, insecure, nail biter, etc. etc. I take it you were not suffering from some visual impairment when you first met/saw him? LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I'm sure the bachelors/singles have always been around. All I'm saying is that I think OLD facilitates this to quite an extent as well. Also, I completely agree there's nothing wrong with people choosing this lifestyle. And also nothing wrong with someone telling you upfront that that is what they are looking for. In fact I really welcome it when someone is upfront like that and saves my time. It's when someone doesn't tell you that upfront and just says they want to 'see how things go' and realises later they don't like things going down the serious route... Sorry but I really do think OLD is increasing hookup options at a rapid pace and contributing to the evergreen bachelor problem... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 The problem of course is that rarely are these people upfront with others they date. They often are vague and not forthcoming that they have no intention of developing feeling or a relationship. Some even LIE and mislead the person they are "dating". Hence the ill feeling towards them isn't completely unjustified in my opinion. Nobody wants to waste their time, feel used, or be heartbroken by these people. What they are doing is selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Reinvent, so why in the name of all that's powerful would you first have been attracted to and taken up with someone with all those unattractive traits and habits in the first instance? I ask... Hairy, a junk food addict, insecure, nail biter, etc. etc. I take it you were not suffering from some visual impairment when you first met/saw him? LOL. That list was mine. He was also attractive, smart, non-religious, and very similarly politically aligned to me. Some of those qualities are so hard to find for me. They are pretty much all of my must haves, and he did have them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Certainly there are what are called "commitment-phobes". A different category, IMO. Sure, some may not be upfront, but they belong in a different type of personality category, and not an attractive one. That kind of person will lie, whether a bachelor or not a bachelor. They are the kind who lie when dating, married or in a relationship. IMO the confirmed bachelor/single who is a happy loner, a stable personality, WILL be upfront about his/her approach. But then, unfortunately, they'll meet someone who doesn't want to hear what the bachelor/single is trying to tell them. That is where the problem lies IMO. So, AWhite, it is selfish to wish to remain single/bachelor, no matter what. Everyone, whether they want to or not should be shoved into a relationship/marriage, because that would render them unselfish..... I don't think so. If YOU don't like bachelors/singles, then that is a different matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yes, I think you make a good distinction there. I suppose I may have encountered the lying commitment phobe variety while perhaps Naomi's doctor is more of the loner kind... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Haha. Someone needs to alert Tinder and the like to this diastrous sociological fallout of their business practices... I'm one of the few success stories from Tinder. Going 1.5 years strong, and doesn't look like an end in the sight. I also have a friend that recently married his tinderella from 2 years ago. although I consider these anomalies not the norm, the norm is the cesspool of narcissists looking for some fun, whether in person or just boosting their egos on their phones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Better than I could say it... And note the largest loner community is between 35 and 64. "In a 2012 essay in The New York Times (link is external), Eric Klinenberg, a sociologist and author of Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone (link is external), points out that "five million people in the United States between ages 18 and 34 live alone, 10 times more than in 1950.” He goes on to say that the largest number of people living alone are between the ages of 35 and 64 and do it by choice. I recently chatted with Bella DePaulo, social psychologist and author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized and Ignored and Still Manage to Live Happily Ever After (link is external), and who writes the Living Single blog here on Psychology Today. She is interested in this trend even beyond living alone; she says that some people are simply meant to be single—they are “single at heart” and live happier more fulfilling lives if they stay single than they would if they bought into society’s mandate to couple up." "The evidence is really built up now that what’s really isolating isn’t singlehood, it’s getting married,” DePaulo says, pointing out that married people have less contact with friends, siblings, other relatives. And she says, “There are American longitudinal studies that show that once they go from being single to being married, they’re basically cutting people out of their lives and marginalizing them.”" "“People who really are single at heart are approaching their single life in a positive way. It’s an approach, it’s not an avoidance. It’s an approach to loving your solitude, loving your time alone, loving your self sufficiency, liking to pursue the kinds of things that are most meaningful to you." From: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yep, really big on lists. Also big on writing text messages that I will never send! Oh that too! I have a folder of unsent letters. Very cathartic. Everything you wanted to say and never got the chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Reinvent, so why in the name of all that's powerful would you first have been attracted to and taken up with someone with all those unattractive traits and habits in the first instance? I ask... Hairy, a junk food addict, insecure, nail biter, etc. etc. I take it you were not suffering from some visual impairment when you first met/saw him? LOL. I think this is for Apple not me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 GigKK. What you say is so true. And I would add that those success stories (you and also your friend) are the exception that confirms the rule. I call OLD "Psychopaths of the World Unite Association". LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 That is not what I said. I said it is selfish to date a person who has clearly expressed they are dating only with the goal of finding a relationship under the circumstances where one has not been open about where they stand on the issue, and worse yet lies that they are also looking for a relationship when indeed they are not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 AWhite. Heh heh. That is convoluted. But it is what I said too. The bachelor/single who says at outset he or she is not in for the long haul is being honest. The pathological case who leads others on anyhow (bachelor or not) is another matter, and not good news. I believe, firmly, that if some people wish to remain bachelors/singles (and I see a new word has been coined "singlism" L) good for them, and good for those too who wish to marry, re-marry, become committed. Fanfares and celebrations all round.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 AWhite. Heh heh. That is convoluted. But it is what I said too. The bachelor/single who says at outset he or she is not in for the long haul is being honest. The pathological case who leads others on anyhow (bachelor or not) is another matter, and not good news. I believe, firmly, that if some people wish to remain bachelors/singles (and I see a new word has been coined "singlism" L) good for them, and good for those too who wish to marry, re-marry, become committed. Fanfares and celebrations all round.... Yes, sadly often this is not the case. This was not the case in Naomi's situation, nor was it the case in mine. In fact in mine it was the exact opposite. Way before meeting him I clarified what my goal was and questioned his ability/desire to have a relationship. He became defensive and offended and claimed he was relationship material, of course he wanted that. Had I known he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't know when he would be ready for one (his words after a month of dating and bonding) then I would have never even met him for a first date. Furthermore he admitted he misled me. is that? Why do people do this if not out of selfishness? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 More of the same: link removed And there's a book: "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" by Bella de Paulo. A lot of that has been going on here, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 More of the same: link removed And there's a book: "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" by Bella de Paulo. A lot of that has been going on here, Hermes, I don't really understand. Is it really offensive to a single to say the following? The single is selfish IF they don't declare their preferences and continue to date a person - especially when they are aware this other person is dating with the hopes of forming a relationship. It is worse when they lie and misrepresent themselves, saying they want a relationship (when they clearly know they don't). Essentially this is about someone who lies and misleads someone, for their own benefit. I don't see how it is about stigmatizing someone who is single. Let me make it even more crystal clear for you. He also told me he is having sex with the other girl he was dating, and that he wouldn't dare tell her he doesn't want to have a relationship because then she wouldn't give him sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 AWhite: The question is "why did HE do this...." And yes, you answered. And that was YOUR unfortunate experience, and very bad indeed. You were misled in that particular case, for sure. But it isn't "why do PEOPLE do this..." Not everyone does or acts the same, fortunately. I seem to recall in Naomi's case (and I am not here to second-guess her), the man did say he wasn't into commitment. But anyhow, I just don't want to argue. I try to be fair to people, and always try to see both sides of any story. That doesn't always happen on a forum like this, but there you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Hermes, I may be wrong but I don't think anyone is single-bashing. Most of us here are single after all! We're just saying that some people who are not upfront about their intentions are wrong for doing so. How is anyone supposed to guess that their 'date' is not looking for a relationship when that is the usual goal of dating? And if they know your intentions are for something serious then they should evenmoreso make their own intentions clear. Also what struck me more about the article you posted is that the number of singles has increased "10 times" since 1950 and that was my other point about OLD's contribution.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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