Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just want to add, I find it rather alarming a few posts ago that you said if he HAD committed to you, you would have started to find him irritating and annoying. (sorry I can't go back and locate the post to quote.) That should be screaming at you for attention in all this. It's a show-stopper: had he done what you essentially wanted (or are saying you ultimately want)...the allure would be gone with him. He would have rapidly plummeted in market value to you. Where does that place all this post-mortem dialogue where you take umbrage about how derelict he was? He is a fickle man, but because we never progressed to anything more serious, I never had to deal with his fickleness in the way a committed GF would have to (other than driving home at 2a.m.) If we saw each other on a daily basis, it's more probable than not some of the things he has issues with would irritate me. But keeping things casual relieves me from dealing with that. Will I ever know for sure? No….it's just a hypothetical. And it could be he is well aware he is finicky and perhaps this is why he chooses to keep relationships casual, because he knows the girl will become annoyed. I don't know. I didn't bring up his cane/crutch issues before because I didn't want to disclose his health issues, but the bottom line is with or without his ailments, he does not want a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Lol Reinvent. Same here. I simply cannot get a visual of this man, but then we were at no point even given any kind of physical description. At this point just a vague image of "a dreadfully misunderstood, elderly gentleman walking with a cane". LOL. Does he actually exist at all. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Well, this feeble, middle-aged man who uses a cane has at least ONE part of his body that is in "perfect" working order...right, Naomi? I kind of have a hard time picturing a man who has trouble walking but can still have vigorous sex. And also reconciling being able to have this vigorous sex but being unable to move his car a few feet to the left or right, or help carry groceries. But, as others have stated, all of these points are moot because he told you he is not in love with you and that you should date others if a committed boyfriend and a love relationship is what you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 He's not always in bad shape. Depends if he's having a flare-up or not. Let's quit talking about his health. I feel bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Lol Reinvent. Same here. I simply cannot get a visual of this man, but then we were at no point even given any kind of physical description. At this point just a vague image of "a dreadfully misunderstood, elderly gentleman walking with a cane". LOL. Does he actually exist at all. LOL. My visual is: DOAS And abs are in there somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 TOV. ABS as in brakes? Heh heh. and what is DOAS. Don't know that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Keep in mind, he's been this way all his life with women -- noncommittal and distant, with relationships that expire (more than likely) when the women tire of a pseudo relationship. So that predates having a cane, crutch or other such accoutrements of aging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 TOV. ABS as in brakes? Heh heh. and what is DOAS. Don't know that one. DOAS = the male corollary to "POAS" -- aka, "d*-on-a-stick". I'm a visual person, and sometimes a bit frighteningly literally. And the "abs" is short for "abdominals" (muscles) -- as it's referred to in body-building lingo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 TOV. LOL. I suspected the abs would be the six-pack. Heh heh. And now I have learnt a new acronym! DOAS. Yeh, I also get visuals fairly fast. Silver-haired Casanova with a walking cane?? Another point: How does Naomi know he had lots of relationships/women? Would he have told her all about them all.....Besides, where would he have found the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I have to add that all of the men in my life (father, grandfather, cousins, uncles, exes, FIL) ALL OF THE MEN took care of their women…meaning they would go outside and bring groceries in, check their tires, walk them to the car. The men in my life are very chivalrous, so it seems a bit beyond me to have to ask for help with things like that. So when I see the doctor not being chivalrous, I'm not quite sure what to say or how to handle it. I observed, made mental note, and then dismissed it, but never forgot.Then don't you think it should have been "a bit beyond you" to lower yourself by continuing to go back to a man that was not "taking care of you"? You're basically telling us that you don't respect yourself enough to stop being disrespected by him. That goes back to weak personal boundaries. Adding: Sorry to keep hounding you but I fear this same thing will happen to you again if you don't start looking out for YOUR best interests and see where it is that you could have saved yourself some time and more importantly emotional involvement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I think we are hovering on the car parking too much and losing the big picture. No.. the not asking for a simple courtesy IS the big picture. It goes to her insecurity and lack of looking after her own best interests... Losing herself in others, ya know, those personal boundaries I keep going on about! The car situation is just a perfect analogy to illustrate the lack of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Then don't you think it should have been "a bit beyond you" to lower yourself by continuing to go back to a man that was not "taking care of you"? You're basically telling us that you don't respect yourself enough to stop being disrespected by him. That goes back to weak personal boundaries. Adding: Sorry to keep hounding you but I fear this same thing will happen to you again if you don't start looking out for YOUR best interests and see where it is that you could have saved yourself some time and more importantly emotional involvement. I never thought he was purposefully being disrespectful.…and I wanted to continue sleeping with him. Until things became too jilted in his favor. As time progressed, he made my life worse and I made his better. Probably because I didn't speak up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Insight sometimes comes slowly and painfully, Naomi. But as TWT is pointing out, it comes down to those boundaries, and, knowing what you truly want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I SAID "OLDER AND A BIT FEEBLE" I didn't say old and feeble. And he is! He is 56 (i am 40, and that makes him older, NOT OLD, per se) and sometimes walks with a cane and/or crutch. I'ld like to see you guys try to ask someone 16 years your senior who walks with a cane to go outside and move his precious car! It's not as easy as you think, and it slips your mind. Haha, going back in time: make sure you look disheveled as you get to the door, and you say "Oh, dear, I brought brined chicken but could only get it to the end of the driveway with it. See, it's sitting behind your car? Honey, can you help me get it to the house?" (The fake drama and humor approach.) I think this discussion isn't just about you, Naomi, and not meant to pick you apart, I think it's about all of us. Asking opens the door for more info, and avoids jumping to conclusions. If he really does use a cane or crutch that could change the picture…I hesitate to mention the car again, but it's only an example…could be he parks his silly way for a reason, it makes sense to him with his crutch and painful hip/leg/foot/or whatever. Asking may have brought more to the picture. BUT, I do understand if you are used to certain behavior that the unexpected catches you off guard and only later, with perspective, does it add to the whole picture. Naomi, was it you who said in your previous relationship the two of you were too intertwined, "in each other's back pocket"? So with Dr. Shady you were approaching it differently? (It could have been another thread and relationship, I can't remember where I read it.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 But, but, but...he feels vigorous enough to engage in sexual behavior? I'm going to stop there out of respect for Naomi, who asked us to stop discussing his health issues. I really feel all these issues are the results of the real problem, which is the doctor's lack of feeling anything more than a superficial connection to Naomi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I found a funny article, I have to share it. Here's the link and a quote "Men that don’t want to let you go but also don’t want to give you what you want, are flip flappers. They don’t know their arses from their elbows so they can’t commit to being with you, they can’t commit to not being with you, they’re not sure if they like you, but they’re not sure if they don’t like you, and whatever energy they’ve mustered up to feel something for you, they don’t know why they feel it." link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Early on I suspected this really has very little to do with him. There are definitely dozens of posts about how he's just a mirror of her emotional life and that she's probably unavailable for a real relationship right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 What if I am a mirror of his emotional life? link removed Great article. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Good article -- sums it up. Mention of fear of abandonment (with a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy) for the "love addict" is relevant here (for you, I suspect). What if I am a mirror of his emotional life? What if you were? This thread is about you and your emotional life, not his. He's not trying to fix his. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 Naomi, was it you who said in your previous relationship the two of you were too intertwined, "in each other's back pocket"? So with Dr. Shady you were approaching it differently? (It could have been another thread and relationship, I can't remember where I read it.) I don't think that was me. We are more intertwined at the crotch, not each other's back pocket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 I found a funny article, I have to share it. Here's the link and a quote "Men that don’t want to let you go but also don’t want to give you what you want, are flip flappers. They don’t know their arses from their elbows so they can’t commit to being with you, they can’t commit to not being with you, they’re not sure if they like you, but they’re not sure if they don’t like you, and whatever energy they’ve mustered up to feel something for you, they don’t know why they feel it." link removed I love her! That article is funny because it's true. I haven't given him any indication or invitation or any hints that I'm pining. The last communication was that text. I just want him to contact me and say he misses me so I can ignore him again. Nah, just kidding. Kinda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 While trying to move away from an unhealthy attachment to a Mr.Unavailable, do you ever think of all of his bad qualities and keep focusing on them to disgust yourself? Do you think this is a good approach? For example: He was way too hairy anyway - a big drain clog! He lifted heavy and was so likely to injure himself, cripple himself. He couldn't even walk half a mile without needing to sit down bc his back hurt (online dating profile says he can run over a mile, yeah right!) He kept chewing gum (I hate gum) He ate yucky fast food and drank soda all the time, at the same time claiming he knows a lot about nutrition He was insecure and kept worrying that I was smarter than him (?) Possible ED! Bites nails (including toenails. Yes.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 What if I am a mirror of his emotional life? link removed Great article. You may be a mirror for each other. But you should be more concerned about how it reflects upon you because you are the one with a thread about it/unsatisfied with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 In my opinion, I do think people can't fathom that someone might not be interested in a relationship and be perfectly cool with that. I was struck by Dylan Ratigan (former MSNBC journalist/tv show host) who said he didn't understand why all these famous guys get married when they know they can't be committed (faithful, accountable). He flat out said he enjoys the company of women but what he wants isn't really appropriate for a relationship. So, he's honest about that with women and if they don't like that, they walk. And he also said there are a number of single men (he's in his 40s) his age who are the same. I do think the idea of having men with "too much testosterone, too much money, too much time on their hands and too much access to women" needing to be honest about wanting to be single versus thinking there's something wrong with that, getting into relationships and marriages and being bad partners (cheating, being secretive, being selfish, not wanting to have to share their financial wealth, and/or other things) when they are not suited to that is interesting. Don't know if the doctor falls into that. He expressed only sleeping with one woman at a time, but the points about not wanting to be accountable to anyone else, not wanting to share (financially or emotionally), may be true. It just highlights that people can be very different animals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Fully agree, Ms. Darcy. I got that vibe throughout this thread that many cannot understand there are people who PREFER to remain single, all their lives. It-s as if there is something wrong with those who do not subscribe to marriage&long/term partnership&children, the whole societal thing. Nothing wrong either with those who prefer the latter. If someone *man or woman( prefers to remain single, as in a "happy loner" (an entirely different situation to being an involuntary loner). Why not? Perhaps such people do have the insight to know they are not suited to marrying, for whatever reason. Or it may just be a matter of temperament. But I wonder why they should be pilloried and called C-phobes. Also, being a confirmed bachelor/single woman does not mean one must live as a monk or nun. Why shouldn't they engage in meeting men or women, and if they are upfront and honest that the "relationship" is going to be what it is going to be (no commitment) then I fail to see the problem. Evidently, in an ideal world it would be great if the confirmed bachelors/single women only dated or met up with like-minded people. Getting married, being in a hellish relationship, getting hitched because "it is the thing to do", with the disastrous fallout we so often see (here on this forum alone, so many cases). I know people who are confirmed singles, of varying ages, and they do not strike me as being unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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