Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Look Naomi, he isn't in his consulting room or doctor's office when you ask him to adjust the car parking, for heaven's sakes! I am a very busy person, but that doesn't mean I am unapproachable. Believe me, professionals leave their work behind them when they come home, unless they want to get into early onset burnout. As for his health issues, if he is able to work a full day in his profession he can't be very ill. There is nothing wrong with buying and bringing food. People do it all the time. I bring food to friends' houses, and they to mine, not always but fairly frequently. It is part and parcel of normal social interaction. Letting you set off on your own in the middle of the night, well, that could do with some improvement. But then he must have thought you could look after yourself. I don't know the area you are in, or anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Soooooooo I was driving and a song came on that seemed to fit this thread to a T. Is it weird that I thought of this thread??? Yikes! Carlos Santana's "Smooth" These few words: Gimme your heart, make it real Or else forget about it Anyways Naomi, Reading all the things you did for him (especially the car thing) shows you have a lot to give even if you hold back at first. You were a pretty darn good girlfriend and I am at a loss as to why any man in his right mind would not want something deeper. I hope all this doesn't affect your next relationship in a negative way. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 No I wasn't meaning "general things" to speak up about, I was mainly talking about the car incident that you ladies keep banging on about. Incidents like that, where she should NOT have to ask him to move her car, carry her groceries up the hill, etc etc. But everyone said she should have, and my point was "Why should she"? She shouldn't have to "ask" for stupid things like that. I have to add that all of the men in my life (father, grandfather, cousins, uncles, exes, FIL) ALL OF THE MEN took care of their women…meaning they would go outside and bring groceries in, check their tires, walk them to the car. The men in my life are very chivalrous, so it seems a bit beyond me to have to ask for help with things like that. So when I see the doctor not being chivalrous, I'm not quite sure what to say or how to handle it. I observed, made mental note, and then dismissed it, but never forgot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Well, not everyone in this old world is the same, Naomi. And some are definitely less intuitive than others. It's how it is. Although I do recall you saying in one of the earliest posts that Dr. Who was, among other things, "a gentleman". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 So you put him on a pedestal, basically. It's certainly not a new story. But such imbalances NEVER turn out well. Unless two people admire eachother equally, it will always be unequal. And yet you have said in some ways, that inequality is attractive to you. I really do think this may need more than an internet forum -- it deserves some more digging in therapy. If it were me, it would be something I'd want to understand and change. I agree. I need more therapy. But I don't think I put him on a pedestal. I had no problem saying crazy things to him out or teaching him things in the kitchen or poking fun. But because he was older and a bit feeble and I never knew where I stood, I didn't feel comfortable requesting things so I'd just sweep under the rug or accept. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I can't help thinking how the Doc might feel about being seen as old and feeble. lol. Ouch, Naomi. That's rough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Feeble?! At 56? In what way "feeble". Gee, the man was/is working at a profession, full day I assume, also finds time for hobbies, and dating you, and other activity lol. Doesn't sound too feeble to me. :surprise: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 I SAID "OLDER AND A BIT FEEBLE" I didn't say old and feeble. And he is! He is 56 (i am 40, and that makes him older, NOT OLD, per se) and sometimes walks with a cane and/or crutch. I'ld like to see you guys try to ask someone 16 years your senior who walks with a cane to go outside and move his precious car! It's not as easy as you think, and it slips your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Heh Naomi. You don't know me. I'd ask. If he was in a wheelchair, maybe not, but only "sometimes with a cane or crutch", sure he is still able-bodied. Any 56 year olds I know are not feeble, far from it. But then this casts a different light on the "perceived lack of consideration". If the poor old guy is in such a bad state, as in unable to carry groceries, re-park the car, etc. etc. why is he being accused of being unchivalrous!! Geeze, at times this thread is like a crossword puzzle, I swear. LOL. :subdued: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Man, I miss him. I thought I would get him a cane with flames on the side, like Dr. House. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just found it interesting how you chose to mention those things as though they are somehow relevant to how he treats you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You're only human, Naomi. Who is Dr. House? A cane with flames....? We don't have those over here, I don't think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Heh Naomi. You don't know me. I'd ask. If he was in a wheelchair, maybe not, but only "sometimes with a cane or crutch", sure he is still able-bodied. Any 56 year olds I know are not feeble, far from it. But then this casts a different light on the "perceived lack of consideration". If the poor old guy is in such a bad state, as in unable to carry groceries, re-park the car, etc. etc. why is he being accused of being unchivalrous!! Geeze, at times this thread is like a crossword puzzle, I swear. LOL. Because sometimes he has the crutch and sometimes he doesn't. I know it sounds all convoluted and crazy, but if he's having a bad day, he can't do anything. If he's having a good day, he's as peppy as a 40 year old. And he's parked crooked like that since DAY ONE, so even on his "good days," he wasn't moving his car around. And back then, I didn't think to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I think we are hovering on the car parking too much and losing the big picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Awww, poor old guy. Where, in the midst of ALL the 56 year-olds in the country did you hit on this particular man. I ask. :subdued: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just found it interesting how you chose to mention those things as though they are somehow relevant to how he treats you. This 100 percent. Bottom line, he said he can't be more serious than this. So what does it matter if he's older and a bit more feeble? It doesn't matter, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 AWhite. The car parking is just being used as an example. Could be something else, among the many of his shortcomings cited throughout this thread. And his many virtues, as cited by Naomi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 This 100 percent. Bottom line, he said he can't be more serious than this. So what does it matter if he's older and a bit more feeble? It doesn't matter, really. Exactly. He is just a man. An ex lover now whom you wanted more with, but he couldnt/wasn't wanting to give that back. The rest doesn't matter. You could have done X Y Z differently and it wouldn't have mattered. He just doesn't want it. It's not even personal. Of course you miss him though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 "I believe there are two things going on here, ....... No. 1, he might be emotionally stunted due to all the long hours at work and years of schooling, never really had a chance to develop socially/emotionally when it comes to women. That accounts for the multiple short-term relationships. No. 2, my own naiveté with dating. I really don't have too too much experience except for the blogs/forums I read (Evan Marc Katz's don't invest more in him than he does you). Put those two together and you do indeed have stalemate." That's about it, I expect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I'm lost. First, he's inconsiderate for not being more demonstrative (including physical displays), then he's feeble enough to need assistive devices and it may preclude performing certain gentelmanly niceties (that he would have done if not for the feebleness? Or his status as a doctor?...) I hardly see you as someone who would sleep with a man you see as "feeble". This is a man you felt was radiating virility. This has all become a mish-mash of reasoning to avoid the bottom line: He did not initiate the kind of reciprocal consideration you were looking for in a partner, and you are now swinging back and forth between defending your reasons to have overlooked those red flags and simultaneously being mad at him for having shown them. Whatever reasons you had for not speaking up, you knew that this relationship was doomed. But you stayed, in a state of denial about it until it became unbearable. Why? That is for you to figure out. Maybe you felt you needed this kind of sexual experience (being 40, and discovering a new height of your sexuality) so much, that everything else was secondary. It was a high, a novelty. If that's the case, maybe it's a valid reason to have stayed until you could stay no more. It had to run its course (I'm back again to my earlier theme of getting to a breaking point to really be able to prioritize). Now you know what it means to feel like a Flamenco dancer between the sheets and can move on. But then own that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just want to add, I find it rather alarming a few posts ago that you said if he HAD committed to you, you would have started to find him irritating and annoying. (sorry I can't go back and locate the post to quote.) That should be screaming at you for attention in all this. It's a show-stopper: had he done what you essentially wanted (or are saying you ultimately want)...the allure would be gone with him. He would have rapidly plummeted in market value to you. Where does that place all this post-mortem dialogue where you take umbrage about how derelict he was? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I can't help thinking how the Doc might feel about being seen as old and feeble. lol. Ouch, Naomi. That's rough. Lol . .I've been thinking the same thing. I can't for the life of me imagine what this guy is like, looks or otherwise after all the adjectives describing him. Two heads maybe and some extra limbs. .who knows?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just want to add, I find it rather alarming a few posts ago that you said if he HAD committed to you, you would have started to find him irritating and annoying. (sorry I can't go back and locate the post to quote.) That should be screaming at you for attention in all this. It's a show-stopper: had he done what you essentially wanted...the allure would be gone with him. He would have rapidly plummeted in market value to you. Where does that place all this post-mortem dialogue where you take umbrage about how derelict he was? Early on I suspected this really has very little to do with him. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just want to add, I find it rather alarming a few posts ago that you said if he HAD committed to you, you would have started to find him irritating and annoying. (sorry I can't go back and locate the post to quote.) That should be screaming at you for attention in all this. It's a show-stopper: had he done what you essentially wanted (or are saying you ultimately want)...the allure would be gone with him. He would have rapidly plummeted in market value to you. Where does that place all this post-mortem dialogue where you take umbrage about how derelict he was? I have a similar feeling to this. Of course I can never be sure as it didn't actually happen, but I feel it at least *might* be the case. Which is really, really scary. It almost seems like I'm playing mind games with myself and torturing myself. Or could it just be a very human thing to do - to want (only) what you cannot have... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Or could it just be a very human thing to do - to want (only) what you cannot have... Well, I'm happy to report at 47 that if I ever had some of those tendencies myself, they are completely gone now. So yes, of course it's human. Looking back on my life, there was a lot of unrequited "love" (although in all honesty, I don't think it was so much that I "only" went for what I couldn't have; that if I'd been shown the love I wanted, I would have bolted; but I just fixated on people that were not reachable. And in other cases, stayed too long with people I did not "feel it" for because I thought I'd never be loved back by anyone I really "felt it" for.) But it's also human to evolve to a point where you are seeking available people who want to love and be loved. The desire to seek what we can't have is not an ineradicable trait. It's not a mature place, even if it is very human (and probably universally experienced). The emotionally available men are the ones I'm looking for these days (I even have that on my OKC dating profile). I have no more time to waste on elusive chasing games (and nor do I want to be chased). I want an equal and steady rapport that builds into a mutual, deep relationship where we both want eachother fully, completely, and yet still retain our own sense of "self". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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