reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 My guy and my ex bf would both move their cars from their assigned spaces and park down the street so I could have their space. Just sayin' . .and I didn't even ask Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes but the rub is: had they not done that voluntarily, would you have asked them to move their car for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Man after this thread, if any guy I date doesn't leave me room to park I'm going to read way into that... I might just walk away LOL. And I'm only half joking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Given both situations. . no. The alternative was not an inconvenience by any means. Had it been on a hill and I was carrying heavy objects and they parked diagonally as to not allow a second car on an a driveway made for two. .then yes. .I would have asked. And I too would have thought it peculiar that they hadn't noticed it themselves. It seems a little insensitive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Given both situations. . no. The alternative was not an inconvenience by any means. Had it been on hill and I was carrying heavy objects and they parked diagonally as to not allow a second car on an a driveway made for two. .then yes. .I would have asked. And I too would have thought it peculiar that they hadn't noticed it themselves. To some it may be a 'little stupid thing' but the fact they do it on their own tells me alot about how they feel about me and the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Man after this thread, if any guy I date doesn't leave me room to park I'm going to read way into that... I might just walk away LOL. And I'm only half joking! Please make sure you ask for what you want before you walk away. lol To some it may be a 'little stupid thing' but the fact they do it on their own tells me alot about how they feel about me and the relationship. Funny, I just tell the hubs when he's not being very considerate. 9 times out of 10 he says: "Oh *hit, I didn't even realize. Sorry," and then it's corrected. We teach people how to treat us so teach them how you want to be treated if it's not forthcoming. If nothing changes after the convo or if no compromise can be reached.. well then that is when I question how "they" feel about me in the relationship (whether it be romantic, business, customer/retailer etc. Adding: And I too would have thought it peculiar that they hadn't noticed it themselves. It seems a little insensitive. Well, yes but to me, it also seems a little suspect... a red flag if you will. Hence why it's even more important to ask because if he said no or made an excuse to not make room, then that would tell me that he was hiding me from someone, someones or for something. One needs to protect themselves from that sort of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 To some it may be a 'little stupid thing' but the fact they do it on their own tells me alot about how they feel about me and the relationship. It's also telling that they DON'T do it on their own though. It shows selfishness on their part and gives you an idea of what a relationship with them would be like. They are showing you who they are. This is it. It doesn't get better than this. Edited for grammar and spelling! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 It's not solely a romantic gesture either. I would the same for a friend, family acquaintance, etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 It's also telling that they DON'T do it on their own though. It shows selfishness on their part and gives you an idea of what a relationship would them be like. They are showing you who they are. This is it. It doesn't get better than this. My husband isn't selfish in the least but at times, he (as do I) doesn't think. It would be particularily a "not thinking" scenario, I would imagine, for someone who has lived on their own and never really had to "think" about someone else's convenience. The Doc would definitely need some training about a lot of things (like learning how to share again) which is another story about whether or not one would have the patience even if the orgasms were yummy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Let me give you a little more background. I live in a densely populated area where street parking is considered gold. I have a single-car garage. On the evenings I know he is coming over, I pull my car out of the garage and park it on the street in front of my place, "saving" him a spot using my car as a placeholder. When he gets to my place, he'll call me, I run out, move my car, and he takes the spot my car was in, and I return my car back to my garage. This has been the case since the very beginning. Why do I do this? I don't want him walking back to his car five blocks away at 2 a.m. in the morning, potentially getting mugged or hurt or lost. Plus he has problems with his leg, so I take all of that into consideration. Why? Because I care and I think about his safety beforehand. Is that learned behavior or something that is engrained in a person? If I got fed up enough, I probably would suggest moving his car over, but really, its not my job to teach the doctor how to be considerate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Oh and I also do this for nearly all of my friends who are coming over…I save them a spot all of the time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Oh and I also do this for nearly all of my friends who are coming over…I save them a spot all of the time! Maybe it was just a personality difference that helped make you incompatible (biggest issue being your feelings weren't reciprocated). You are kind and considerate of others. You think about them and make matters comfortable for them before they even have to ask. He doesn't share the same courtesy and consideration. He's a bit of an assclown. Isn't that a turnoff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I know you're not that obtuse, Naomi. It's not about the car. It's about you having personal boundaries wherein you won't let someone treat you with that much disrespect. If your pride won't allow you to ask for consideration then you should have the strength to immediately leave someone who you think it is not your job to teach to be considerate. There... more non sugar coated insight. You're going to soon hate me if I keep pointing out to you that you are the author of your own misfortune. That's what friends do for you... they tell you the truth. Did you read that link on personal boundaries? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 its not my job to teach the doctor how to be considerate. True. But it's your job to be be taking the information as it is presented to you and think, "I'm sleeping with an inconsiderate man. He does not consider my feelings. If I keep sleeping with him and keeping status quo, that is a tacit agreement with him that his inconsiderateness is okay with me. So then if I continue with such a dynamic and tacit understanding, what are my motivations to keep this up? What is it I'm trying to get from this? Is what I want to get from this congruent with the cues and information I'm receiving?" Doing a brutal self-inventory of what you expect (and it was an expectation because you now hold these things against him) versus what you're getting, the discrepancy between those, and then what motivations you have for continuing with this would be your job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I've learned to set boundaries relatively recently in life. So I kinda get what everyone is saying about this issue (I've actually been working on it the past few years in multiple contexts, friends/romantic interests). There was a situation I went through with PokerPlayer semi-similar to car parking situation with Doc. I struggled with the same thing Naomi did in that I was thinking : Do I REALLY have to spell this out? He would make loose plans to see me "Monday or Tuesday" and then when he didn't actually settle/confirm those plans even by Sunday, I would just cancel when/if he did try after that point. I feel it's disrespectful that he would expect I keep my "Monday or Tuesday" open in case he attempts to make plans. Also I was making most of the effort to make creative plans, and that was annoying as well. In the end although I asked and defined my boundaries (i.e. make concrete plans a couple of days in advance with place, time and activity or else there is no date) and he did make genuine effort to accommodate that request, other major things were a dealbreaker for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Well now, that takes it to another level, doesn't it? It not about teaching him squat. It's about recognizing the disparity and doing something about it on your own behalf. . AND not keeping quiet while at the same time feeling disrespected and then taking your clothes off and crawling into bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 True. But it's your job to be be taking the information as it is presented to you and think, "I'm sleeping with an inconsiderate man. He does not consider my feelings. If I keep sleeping with him, what are my motivations? What is it I'm trying to get from this? Is what I want to get from this consistent with the cues and information I'm receiving?" Doing a brutal self-inventory of what you expect (and it was an expectation because you now hold these things against him) versus what you're getting, the discrepancy between those, and then what motivations you have for continuing with this would be your job. Yes, yes and yes again! Great post, TOV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Of course it isn't about the parking space solely. But you know a lot of people just "don't think". It isn't even that they are inconsiderate. You just have to say it to them. It's no big deal. That's why we have the power of speech, in order to say stuff out loud. Also, a man like that, a happy loner, 56 years living on his own, well it probably isn't surprising that there are things which we would do automatically and which don't even cross his mind. But even i ordinary day to day circumstances, not even as regards relationships, one cannot expect people to mind read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes, yes and yes again! Great post, TOV. Thanks...I just did a bit of editing on it too, btw. The interesting thing here to me is the concept of pride...and how that works differently for different people. Was it pride that kept you from asking for things from him? Or was it fear? Because to me, the epitome of a moment where I've lost my pride is having my lover gently tell me (as per usual!) it's time to leave his bed after rapturous lovemaking, knowing that he knows I wish I could stay and its a late, long drive home, and saying to him, "You suck." That's about as undignified as I could ever feel -- for me, that's my pride in the toilet. Quite frankly. As brutal as that sounds. So in ways here you've been prideful, and in ways, you have swallowed it, as I see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 It's about recognizing the disparity and doing something about it on your own behalf. . AND not keeping quiet while at the same time feeling disrespected and then taking your clothes off and crawling into bed. I didn't/don't feel disrespected with the parking spot thing…in fact, it didn't really cross my mind until more recently. I didn't consciously choose to keep quiet. It just never came up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Sorry if I was too rough!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Thanks...I just did a bit of editing on it too, btw. The interesting thing here to me is the concept of pride...and how that works differently for different people. Was it pride that kept you from asking for things from him? Or was it fear? Because to me, the epitome of a moment where I've lost my pride is having my lover gently tell me (as per usual!) it's time to leave his bed after romantic lovemaking, knowing that he knows I wish I could stay and its a late, long drive home, and saying to him, "You suck." That's about as undignified as I could ever feel -- for me, that's my pride in the toilet. Quite frankly. As brutal as that sounds. So in ways here you've been prideful, and in ways, you have swallowed it, as I see it. I think if it was my ex who parked diagonally, I would have come into the house yelling at him. With the doctor, he'd always parked diagonal like that since the beginning, and I didn't start brining food until the middle of the relationship. And while it was inconvenient, by the time I got to his door and saw him, hugging and kissing, I kind of forgot about it. But I DO know I am much more hesitant to ask him for things than I am others, and that I believe is because of the age difference and maybe his health issues…and the fact that he's a doctor and maybe has more important things to worry about than moving cars around??? I don't know…... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Sorry if I was too rough!! Please. I can handle it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So you put him on a pedestal, basically. It's certainly not a new story. But such imbalances NEVER turn out well. Unless two people admire eachother equally, it will always be unequal. And yet you have said in some ways, that inequality is attractive to you. I really do think this may need more than an internet forum -- it deserves some more digging in therapy. If it were me, it would be something I'd want to understand and change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So as as sit here at work surrounded by doctors at this very moment, I shake my head at the notion that the suggestion to excuse his behavior by being a dr himself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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