reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 For this part, my first though is the Dr doesn't want others car in his driveway, that others could see someone new was visiting. Anyway, this time it still couldn't last longer than 1 yr, says something. It's really not about the car, but the overall tone. Just using this as an example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wonder if it has to do with I have never been with someone so much older and so there is a fear/respect aspect going on which kept me from speaking up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wonder if it has to do with I have never been with someone so much older and so there is a fear/respect aspect going on which kept me from speaking up. His aura and personality kept you from speaking up. He had a magical spell over you (so to speak) and made you go mute. I don't think age has anything to do with it, because you could teach him a thing or too yourself. LoL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Don't mean to sound trite, but that's ALMOST starting to sound like a "daddy issue".... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wonder if it has to do with I have never been with someone so much older and so there is a fear/respect aspect going on which kept me from speaking up. like a father, maybe?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 And you still said this: I do not like men who like me more than I like them. Complete turnoff. I have to like them more, but then pretend I don't. That's pretty significant and telling, to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 And you still said this: I do not like men who like me more than I like them. Complete turnoff. I have to like them more, but then pretend I don't. That's pretty significant and telling, to me. This dynamic sets one up to attract and be attracted to unavailable partners. Definitely something to learned by this or you will likely repeat the same pattern. (trust me, I know) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 And another thing: you can't lose what you didn't have in the first instance. But, I suppose we can convince ourselves of anything and entertain vain hopes, because we WANT to entertain those hopes. From what Wily just said (afraid of losing him), and your remark, Naomi, that you had no problem voicing your wishes in other relationships means that this man meant more to you than the previous relationships. You didn't want to rock the boat in which you were having an enjoyable trip.... I think that she didn't have and confidence in the relationship with Doc but she did in the other(s) and so felt safer to ask when expectations were not being met with her other unions. (whether they were romantic one's or not) We all should always be striving to be confident enough to ask when expectations are not being met. Doing so is a personal boundary that will always steer us right because if someone can't even try to meet a simple request that is easy to give, something that is not out in left field or over the top in the asking, then we will quickly find out that we are better off without them and we can exit stage left knowing that who we just left didn't deserve us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes, TWT. Going back around the circle, one asks WHY Naomi didn't have that "confidence" in the case of the Dr. Who relationship. And as remarked before no one is a mind-reader (even if some are more intuitive than others), so we need to speak out and speak up. Then again, I just can't imagine not speaking up and stating my case, but I was always like that, didn't matter what age the person was. I suppose FOO dynamics have a lot to do with everything.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes but why does she always have to do the speaking up? The right guy would just "do" for her, just like loads of people are lucky to end up with. If you always have to ask for what you want, wouldn't that make you seem "High Maintainance"? Naomi never had to ask for what she wanted, because the Doc said "I want a FWB arrangement only" and so he got what he wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wonder if it has to do with I have never been with someone so much older and so there is a fear/respect aspect going on which kept me from speaking up. I'd say its more like, once again, a lack of personal boundaries. Maybe due to you sub-consciously not being ready to be in something serious with someone after your break up from a long term relationship. (?) Here's a(nother) link on the importance of personal boundaries and how they keep you from allowing others to define you. link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes but why does she always have to do the speaking up? The right guy would just "do" for her, just like loads of people are lucky to end up with. If you always have to ask for what you want, wouldn't that make you seem "High Maintainance"? Naomi never had to ask for what she wanted, because the Doc said "I want a FWB arrangement only" and so he got what he wanted. Wouldn't that be great? To meet that one special person who `got you' and met all your expectations. How often does that happen? So this is how I see it - I can be dating someone and see that some needs that are important to me are not being met. My options are: I can just leave or I can speak up before I leave and see if it's an easy fix or if a compromise is possible. You never know unless you ask. At least I know I tried. And the comment about being high maintenance . . I suppose it's about picking your battles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes indeed. And going back to the car in the driveway example (just as an example), I simply cannot understand not saying to him: " Look, Dr. would you ever mind parking your car so that there is space for my car as well". Such a normal sentence, something anyone could say to anyone. But then that is just a small item in the scheme of things. In reality the issues were larger. Naomi was not interested in meeting and inter-acting with Dr. Who's friends, and she, as expressed in a recent post, did not want him to meet her relatives (or for that matter her friends, if I rightly recall). So, what kind of message would that give the doc? Generally after a few months it would be quite normal to meet each other's friends and/or some relatives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes but why does she always have to do the speaking up? The right guy would just "do" for her,How Idealist of you. If only it were actually true.. I married the right guy decades ago and I'm still with him and believe me. You have to tell anyone no matter who they are when needs are not being met. Going by your thought process. We should never ask for a raise or a better parking spot or that last piece of pie when the person you're sharing it with just had 5 pieces of it. If you always have to ask for what you want, wouldn't that make you seem "High Maintainance"? No! If you have to ask for just about everything then It should make you dump the twit who isn't getting it. Obviously, you're incompatible to the nth degree. Just because you ask too, it doesn't mean it should be given if what you are asking for is high maintenance and unnecessary. Her: Dear, I'd like you to buy me a diamond terra. Him: Yes, and I'd like to bed Sophia Vergara.. but it aint gonna happen. Naomi never had to ask for what she wanted, because the Doc said "I want a FWB arrangement only" and so he got what he wanted.Not sure what you're meaning with that statement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 For the life of me I cannot see the difficulty in asking questions such as : a) Can you park so I can get my car into the space as well. b) Can you come with me (not necessarily every day) to buy some groceries and/or help me carry them c) Can we maybe plan a trip/break? Look I picked up these brochures at the travel agency/on the net, whatever..... etc. etc. etc. I also seem to recall that Dr. Who did do things, such as repairing her printer and so on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes indeed. And going back to the car in the driveway example (just as an example), I simply cannot understand not saying to him: " Look, Dr. would you ever mind parking your car so that there is space for my car as well". Such a normal sentence, something anyone could say to anyone. But then that is just a small item in the scheme of things. In reality the issues were larger. Naomi was not interested in meeting and inter-acting with Dr. Who's friends, and she, as expressed in a recent post, did not want him to meet her relatives (or for that matter her friends, if I rightly recall). So, what kind of message would that give the doc? Generally after a few months it would be quite normal to meet each other's friends and/or some relatives. If I was her, I wouldn't want the Doc to be introduced to my family and friends either. What would one say? "This is Doc, and he's my friends with benefits shag". I can understand why she didn't do that. He didn't either for the same reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 How about. . "OMG . .do you have any idea how challenging it is for me to park down the street and lug up these groceries!?. . How would you feel about moving your car next time or meeting me at mine to help me? That would mean a lot to me!" You say this in up beat tone and gage his reaction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No I wasn't meaning "general things" to speak up about, I was mainly talking about the car incident that you ladies keep banging on about. Incidents like that, where she should NOT have to ask him to move her car, carry her groceries up the hill, etc etc. But everyone said she should have, and my point was "Why should she"? She shouldn't have to "ask" for stupid things like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes, HelpExpress. But since Naomi after almost nine months was looking for (though not getting) a more commitment orientated relationship, then it would not be strange to meet some friends and or/relatioves. People do that all the time. And she could introduce him as "this is a friend, Dr. Who.....". Geeze, I introduced my husband to friends and then family not long after we first met, and prior to that friends and some relatives also met BFs. It is quite normal and usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No I wasn't meaning "general things" to speak up about, I was mainly talking about the car incident that you ladies keep banging on about. Incidents like that, where she should NOT have to ask him to move her car, carry her groceries up the hill, etc etc. But everyone said she should have, and my point was "Why should she"? She shouldn't have to "ask" for stupid things like that. it's not about the car. .it's more of a metaphor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No I wasn't meaning "general things" to speak up about, I was mainly talking about the car incident that you ladies keep banging on about. Incidents like that, where she should NOT have to ask him to move her car, carry her groceries up the hill, etc etc. But everyone said she should have, and my point was "Why should she"? She shouldn't have to "ask" for stupid things like that.Yes she should have to if she wants a need met. I'm sure if he wasn't hitting her G or C spot she would have asked him to move it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes, Reinvent, I know it is just an example, the car thing. Short of trawling back through all the posts we can't list all the other things Naomi wanted to ask and didn't. Certainly I do agree he should have parked his car anyhow in such a way as to allow the other person (Naomi or anyone else calling) to park in beside his. So in that sense, yes, I can't see why she should have to ask for something so simple and common sense. It's plain good manners to park your car leaving space for the visitor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 But everyone said she should have, and my point was "Why should she"? She shouldn't have to "ask" for stupid things like that. It may appear ''stupid' to others but it was important to her and if it was just that in itself, we probably wouldn't be discussing it all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Nothing stupid about it. If every time Naomi arrived there and his car was cross-ways in the drive, of course you'd get fed-up. I know I'd drive up and park at a right angle to his rear bumper, stride in, groceries and all, and say: "Here are my car keys. Would you mind parking your and mine in the driveway........................sweetie pie". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Helpexpressme: I invite you to read the link on personal boundaries. I think it will help you to see the point we are trying to make about asking for what we need when it's not forthcoming. Whether Doc should have known better is neither here nor there. link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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