Ms Darcy Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I didn't lift a finger in the first three months of dating the doctor. HE chased me! Sometimes he'd wait days in between texts, but it was always once/twice a week dates. He planned everything and I rarely initiated anything, but always happily reciprocated and made sure we had a great time. After the surgery is when I let my true self shine and started cooking/caring/nurturing, checking up on him and being much more girlfriend-ish. Even up to this last week, after our "talk," doctor chased nearly every day asking to spend time together….. So just because he chases and comes to you, that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to settle down. I think you identified this point out of context. The rest of the post went on to talk about how his wife made it clear what she wanted very early on and that he had a list of what he wanted in a woman (not a written list, but a list nonetheless). So, it was communication/mutual agreement and compatibility in addition to his initial interest that turned it into marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Oh how you assume. I guess that's safer then actually asking him outright and having to face a double edged sword of being rejected or having to fear getting what you THINK you want Okay. Well, let me hop in my time machine and travel back to that evening of our "talk" and tell him I want to make french toast the next morning while planning a trip to Bora Bora. I doubt he'd agree to that. His longest relationship is a year? We are at nine months. I don't see him saying "Let's go to Paris, sweetie" at month 11 at all. He's just a freaking weirdo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Of course, not. You did the right thing. I think I did the right thing too, by ending it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Early in, someone on ENA told me about thought-switching (I think that's what it's called). That thought that pops up, take a snapshot in your imagination, then watch it change (similar to those old Polaroids you could watch develop), imagine the image of him fading away while the image of you becomes brighter, clearer, and prominent. You are the focus, and those sensations are part of you, your values, what you carry forward into your next relationship, not as a comparison or standard, but the loving and touch you give and value. Thought-stopping? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 He said he couldn't be more serious than what he was now. In his pea brain, breakfasts/trips/spending night is the pathway to something meaningful, which is against his religion. And so he's nipped it in the bud by not allowing me to spend the night, etc, etc. I don't think it would have mattered if he'd agree to "breakfasts/trips/spending night" he still couldn't love you, and you'd still be agreeing to less than you deserve. I like full service (because I can provide it too). You want someone who can provide you everything you are willing and able to provide. In that sense he is handicapped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 He said he couldn't be more serious than what he was now. In his pea brain, breakfasts/trips/spending night is the pathway to something meaningful, which is against his religion. And so he's nipped it in the bud by not allowing me to spend the night, etc, etc. The same reasoning applies to saying "I Love You". Had he said those words, your expectations would have gone up. Therefore, he held back. In fact, the same reasoning applies to doing anything at all for you. It doesn't mean he didn't care or that you are unworthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 The same reasoning applies to saying "I Love You". Had he said those words, your expectations would have gone up. Therefore, he held back. In fact, the same reasoning applies to doing anything at all for you. It doesn't mean he didn't care or that you are unworthy. That is why I condition myself to have zero expectations from anyone, really. If something pleasant happens, then it's a bonus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 That is why I condition myself to have zero expectations from anyone, really. If something pleasant happens, then it's a bonus. Bingo! That's the very key that got you into the situation and will get you in trouble again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 That is why I condition myself to have zero expectations from anyone, really. If something pleasant happens, then it's a bonus. If there are no expectations, then the car hogging the driveway wouldn't be an issue. While I kind of agree expectations are risky, they creep in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 That is why I condition myself to have zero expectations from anyone, really. If something pleasant happens, then it's a bonus. So you give and give and give and expected nothing in return. Which is what happened with the doctor...yet you're upset you got nothing in return? Can you see the dichotomy here? You're kind of pounding your head against a brick wall knowing it's going to hurt, yet you're complaining the brick is hurting you. And kind of blaming the brick for being a selfish jerk. I find this interesting, because you've obliquely admitted to doing this to yourself. What do you think of this dilemma? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So you give and give and give and expected nothing in return. Which is what happened with the doctor...yet you're upset you got nothing in return? Can you see the dichotomy here? You're kind of pounding your head against a brick wall knowing it's going to hurt, yet you're complaining the brick is hurting you. And kind of blaming the brick for being a selfish jerk. I find this interesting, because you've obliquely admitted to doing this to yourself. What do you think of this dilemma? My ex used to say I had "too many expectations" of people (read: too many expectations of HIM). His mantra was, in essence, "no expectations." TRANSLATION: I'm going to string you along for years, act like I can take you or leave you, and you're going to be OK with it because you have no right to ask anything more of me. YUCK. Game over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 So you give and give and give and expected nothing in return. Which is what happened with the doctor...yet you're upset you got nothing in return? Can you see the dichotomy here? You're kind of pounding your head against a brick wall knowing it's going to hurt, yet you're complaining the brick is hurting you. And kind of blaming the brick for being a selfish jerk. I find this interesting, because you've obliquely admitted to doing this to yourself. What do you think of this dilemma? Um, I'm not sure. On one hand I don't want to tell anybody what to do if they can't do it naturally. It's not my job to be their mother. On the other hand, it would be nice if he pulled over. I have to weigh what means more to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 That is why I condition myself to have zero expectations from anyone, really. If something pleasant happens, then it's a bonus. Well here's me not enabling you to get away with a falsehood when it comes to you. You had lots of expectations with the Doc. They were just unvoiced expectations and when your expectations were never met, that is when you started this thread to help you get the strength to step down off the merry go round. Unvoiced expectations are still expectations. A quick example: You expected him to have the sense to move his car so you could park in the driveway. I think if you had voiced that expectation, "can you move your car so I can park in the driveway," he would have moved his car. If he didn't, iif he had some lame excuse why he couldn't, well then you would have had even more fuel to leave the situation sooner, one would hope. Frankly, if he wouldn't have moved his car and let you in the driveway, I would assume he had some nefarious reason to not make it obvious he had company. Edited for errors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Unvoiced expectations are still expectations. You all feel this stuff with relationships ... I really feel this with my job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Well here's me not enabling you to get away with a falsehood when it comes to you. You had lots of expectations with the Doc. They were just unvoiced expectations and when your expectations were never met, that is when you started this thread to help you get the strength to step down off the merry go round. Unvoiced expectations are still expectations. A quick example: You expected him to have the sense to move his car so you could park in the driveway. I think if you had voiced that expectation, "can you move your car so I can park in the driveway," he would have moved his car. If he didn't, iif he had some lame excuse why he couldn't, well then you would have had even more fuel to leave the situation sooner, one would hope. You know what is funny? I have no problem voicing things like this in my previous relationships. Not at all. Not even to my relatives or friends. It's him. Frankly, if he wouldn't have moved his car and let you in the driveway, I would assume he had some nefarious reason to not make it obvious he had company.. I don't even care anymore. Screw him. He's shady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You know what is funny? I have no problem voicing things like this in my previous relationships. Not at all. Not even to my relatives or friends. It's him. . That's because you were afraid of losing him. And you did a very courageous thing. You looked at what you feared so deeply, and stared it right in the face. You demasked it. The fear no longer has power over you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 And another thing: you can't lose what you didn't have in the first instance. But, I suppose we can convince ourselves of anything and entertain vain hopes, because we WANT to entertain those hopes. From what Wily just said (afraid of losing him), and your remark, Naomi, that you had no problem voicing your wishes in other relationships means that this man meant more to you than the previous relationships. You didn't want to rock the boat in which you were having an enjoyable trip.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You said, way back, Naomi and it makes the situation all the more perplexing. "......that if he stepped up to the plate and committed, I wouldn't know what to do with him and he would irritate me." (So, you DIDN'T actually want commitment from this man?!!) BUT: " I'm in love with him and I find his quirks and eccentricities endearing because they are part of what makes him him. I think he is smart and adorable." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I've found the easiest way to get what I want is to ask for it. Politely, using "please" and "thank you". The worst thing that can happen is being told "no". No one died from me asking, and no one's killed me or even beaten me bloody. Some said "no" and I lived to tell about it. I think you were afraid the doc would kick you to the curb if you asked him for anything. Even something small like the parking situation. So you didn't ask, yet not asking didn't allow you to "keep" him because here you are. Resenting him for not giving you what you felt should have been a basic courtesy. He Should Have Known! Who knows what he would have done had you simply asked. I can, however, pretty much guarantee he wouldn't have thrown you out of bed. HOWEVER...we still have the pesky issue of him not loving you, so...moot point I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Exactly my sentiments, Bolt. People can only say "no". And then there's a saying: you can't get pears off an elm tree, but that doesn't mean it's the elm's fault for being an elm tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You know what is funny? I have no problem voicing things like this in my previous relationships. Not at all. Not even to my relatives or friends. It's him. I find this quite remarkable. If you only feel this way with him, perhaps you will not feel this way with other people you date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Um, I'm not sure. On one hand I don't want to tell anybody what to do if they can't do it naturally. It's not my job to be their mother. On the other hand, it would be nice if he pulled over. I have to weigh what means more to me. It's not about telling someone else what to do. You have no control over their actions. It's about living in alignment with people who meet your expectations of (minimal or basic) decent treatment. You had every right to say that it would have meant alot to you had he moved his car. Maybe he would have liked to have known what that meant for you. If he cared he would have heard you. He can't read your mind. The fact that he didn't think of it however, does say something about him. It was important to take note of that, as you did. He either doesn't get it or doesn't care or possibly didn't think it was as important as you did. You don't speak up for their benefit, you speak up for yours. It may not change them but it will change you. You learn to speak up for yourself in a respectful way. You state what your needs are. People in your life are will either be in line with you or they won't. . . .or you compromise or you pick your battles as some might say. Maybe if you had spoke up more on your own behalf in the early stages would you would have had your answer earlier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I do not like men who like me more than I like them. Complete turnoff. I have to like them more, but then pretend I don't. I find this quite remarkable. If you only feel this way with him, perhaps you will not feel this way with other people you date. But it doesn't sound like he is the exception, at least according to your quote above, Naomi. You say "men" and "them" above, and are even speaking in the present tense (which means this is a current and ongoing sentiment)...so that means this is your go-to mechanism, and something you're saying is part of how you relate to men in general, even before he came into your life and as you continue to think about what attracts you (and doesn't). No? I don't really buy into this being a one-off situation...an anomaly, where with this ONE person and no other, you can't bring yourself to speak up for yourself and make your needs/desires known; that this is the first time you ever bent over backwards to choke down things you wanted to say or hear, while all the rest of the time you're perfectly able to assert yourself and verbalize your desires or needs without shuddering to think of their displeasure, disapproval, or rejection. That's not really how people work... You said in your other long relationship, this dynamic wasn't at play...so where has this pattern emerged with other men, as you are telling us in the above quote? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolovehim Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 had he moved his car. For this part, my first though is the Dr doesn't want others car in his driveway, that others could see someone new was visiting. Anyway, this time it still couldn't last longer than 1 yr, says something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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