8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[Applewhite]

Before I dated this guy (let's call him PokerPlayer) I made sure I told him I was only dating with the purpose of finding a guy I want a relationship with. I was very hesitant to date him because he had no relationship experience, and honestly told him that this was a signal to me that he was less likely to be successful in forming/maintaining a relationship. He was very defensive about this and told me that was an unfair assessment etc, defending himself. He also went on about how honesty was so important for him bla bla.

 

Then 7 dates and over a month later he tells me he thinks he has to date different types of people to be ready for a relationship, in no way is he ready for a relationship etc. Can he please just continue dating me while he dates and f*cks other people.

 

Am I right to be angry at this?

[lostandhurt]

Hey this thread hasn't become a man bashing thread has it?

 

There are men that know what they want like in the case of Naomi. He knew he didn't want anything more than a very casual relationship. Unfortunately it took 8 months for it to be brought to light.

 

Apple, your guy likes you but is not the kind of guy that once he chooses he is done and turns all his focus onto you. He likes you but secretly thinks there is someone better but he doesn't want you going anywhere just in case he can't find that person. If he told you he wanted to be in a relationship when you first met and then changed his mind you have every right to be bothered by it. Your anger should pass quickly as he isn't worth the emotional price tag you have given him.

 

This is on him, not you. I think your instincts were pretty good in the beginning because of his past but you were open to giving it a chance which is very good. I am very hesitant to talk to a woman if she is in her 40's and her longest relationship was 3-5 years.

 

Not all men are like what has been discussed here so please have faith that we are out here looking as you all are...

 

sigh......the more things change the more they stay the same

 

Lost

[Applewhite]

I wasn't bashing anyone really, Poker or Dr. I just objectively listed what happened and asked is it justified that I am angry. Indeed he at one point admitted that he "misled" me in the context of the above. I was just misled for a shorter amount of time than Naomi perhaps because I was cynical or perhaps because of past (painful) experience.

[lostandhurt]

I didn't take offense even if it was a man bashing thread. I was just kidding anyways. Besides I know who I am and don't identify with the men mentioned here for the most part.

 

Yes he did mislead you which happens far to often. He said one thing when he had no intention of honoring his words. You were smart to end it quickly.

 

If only there were B.S. glasses we could wear. For now all we have is our gut feelings which surprisingly enough turn out to be pretty darn accurate.

 

I am sorry you have been hurt by this but don't let this one guy taint your hopes of meeting someone genuine.

 

Lost

 

Hijack over, return to your regularly scheduled programming.

[Naomi99]

I don't agree with everything Evan Marc Katz says but he's a dating coach who has said one or two things that do resonate with me. One is that in dating a woman should stand still in the beginning and the right man would come to her. Not that she doesn't do anything ... she would quickly reciprocate. But if he is serious about her, he will come to her from the beginning. So you can gather from how things go in the first few months how things will go in the relationship.

 

 

I didn't lift a finger in the first three months of dating the doctor. HE chased me! Sometimes he'd wait days in between texts, but it was always once/twice a week dates. He planned everything and I rarely initiated anything, but always happily reciprocated and made sure we had a great time. After the surgery is when I let my true self shine and started cooking/caring/nurturing, checking up on him and being much more girlfriend-ish.

 

Even up to this last week, after our "talk," doctor chased nearly every day asking to spend time together….. So just because he chases and comes to you, that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to settle down.

[Applewhite]

Naomi do you feel angry at yourself? I am asking because I do. And I keep thinking is my anger at myself justified....

[wilyone 11]

What a yo-yo of a relationship that sounds like. Gee I don't think I can go through this four times!! And your second scenario sounds exactly like where I am at right now! When you told him you met someone else and he was thrilled to hear from you, how did you end up getting back together so quickly?

I don't think I will hear from him at all, period. We both have waaaay too much pride and with a touch of snobbiness. He said he wouldn't contact me unless I contacted first, and I refuse to. So stalemate.

 

Yes, it was a roller-coaster. All other relationships in my life have been very easy in comparison.

 

I will send you a PM later with the play-by-play of our reconciliation from the second scenario. Don't want to post here in case he is reading this thread hahahaha.

[Naomi99]

Naomi do you feel angry at yourself? I am asking because I do. And I keep thinking is my anger at myself justified....

Nope. I don't feel angry at all. I'm more sad than anything. Seeing each other was a highlight of the week and now I have nothing to look forward to.

 

Life is too short. I wish I could have fun without attaching so much meaning to things and enjoy him for what he is.

[Applewhite]

Nope. I don't feel angry at all. I'm more sad than anything. Seeing each other was a highlight of the week and now I have nothing to look forward to.

 

Life is too short. I wish I could have fun without attaching so much meaning to things and enjoy him for what he is.

 

Then we feel very differently about things I think. Of course I am sad too, so we share that. Seeing him was exciting to me, and we always enjoyed our time together, we were both excited to see each other every single time. However I do not think along the lines of "I wish I could have fun without attaching so much meaning to things and enjoy him for what he is." I know I deserve better than that, and I know it's ok to want more than that.

 

I am 1. Angry at him, for misleading me 2. Angry at myself for not detecting it even sooner than I did. Because had I determined it sooner, I would have never dated him to begin with.

 

Also I can't help but think how dare someone mislead me like that. I am just so angry at that part.

[toolovehim]

I would not expect to hear a peep from him for at least a month.

 

I bet it is 2 months.

[ThatwasThen]

NO, I am not going to contact the doctor, but do you think there is a small chance he will reach out and say he misses me? Even though he told me he won't contact me again?

 

Why would you care? What great thing would it be if he told you he missed you? If you're going to dwell on thinking about him (not recommended) then why not think: "Gee will he reach out and say he wants to be my exclusive boyfriend and meet all my friends?"

 

Even in your thinking you have low expectations, why is that?

 

Anyway... I'm sure he will miss you. You've been a part of his life for 8 months now. Its human nature. We are pack animals and It takes everyone time to get over the habit of having someone in our life who is now gone (no matter what the dynamic).

[Applewhite]

Why would you care? What great thing would it be if he told you he missed you? If you're going to dwell on thinking about him (not recommended) then why not think: "Gee will he reach out and say he wants to be my exclusive boyfriend and meet all my friends?"

 

Even in your thinking you have low expectations, why is that?

 

Anyway... I'm sure he will miss you. You've been a part of his life for 8 months now. Its human nature. We are pack animals and It takes everyone time to get over the habit of having someone in our life who is now gone (no matter what the dynamic).

 

I kinda like the rough and tough love here. Especially the bolded part! I wouldn't give a crap if he messaged me "I miss you". I'd probably be super annoyed. Even if he said: "I realized I messed up, and that you are amazing. I don't want to date anyone else. I'd like you to be my girlfriend and be involved in my life, if you will still have me." I would still be majorly suspicious. He misled me and let me down once, why would this time be any different?

 

I think part of my clarity comes from the fact that I didn't sleep with him. I think it allows me to preserve my objectivity on the situation much better. "I miss you" peh! Crumbs.

[ThatwasThen]

Even up to this last week, after our "talk," doctor chased nearly every day asking to spend time together….. So just because he chases and comes to you, that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to settle down.

When the relationship is not progressing past meeting, screwing, and bidding each other good bye then that's chasing with the intent to get some. When the chase has more value, then you will definitely know and you will be made to feel more valuable as a result. You know that though.. You've been in a relationship that lasted 12 years. I'm sure you saw a difference in the pursuit of the two dynamics.

[ThatwasThen]

I kinda like the rough and tough love here. Especially the bolded part! I wouldn't give a crap if he messaged me "I miss you". I'd probably be super annoyed. Even if he said: I realized I messed up, and that you are amazing. I don't want to date anyone else. I'd like you to be my girlfriend and be involved in my life, if you will still have me." I would still be majorly suspicious. He misled me and let me down once, why would this time be any different?

I think part of my clarity comes from the fact that I didn't sleep with him. I think it allows me to preserve my objectivity on the situation much better. "I miss you" peh! Crumbs.

 

Well, you'd certainly know quick enough through his actions if he was just feeding you a line that he thought you wanted to hear so you could go back in complete control knowing the minute he repeated the same old same old or didn't come through with giving you what you wanted/needed then you would have the power to quickly ditch the twit FOR GOOD... and walk away knowing that you have your good personal boundaries and confidence in place and you'll not let someone string you along for a ride again. No?

[Applewhite]

Well, you'd certainly know quick enough through his actions if he was just feeding you a line that he thought you wanted to hear so you could go back in complete control knowing the minute he repeated the same old same old or didn't come through with giving you what you wanted/needed then you would have the power to quickly ditch the twit FOR GOOD... and walk away knowing that you have your good personal boundaries and confidence in place and you'll not let someone string you along for a ride again. No?

 

Yes, I would probably know through his actions if he was lying again about the same thing. The question is IF he said all the right things as above, should I even bother to give him the chance? He's disappointed me once. That's not a great signal in terms of the question: will he disappoint me in some other capacity in the future. Right?

 

Naomi, are you listening

[bluebell29]

Nope. I don't feel angry at all. I'm more sad than anything. Seeing each other was a highlight of the week and now I have nothing to look forward to.

 

Life is too short. I wish I could have fun without attaching so much meaning to things and enjoy him for what he is.

 

I'm also not angry at myself. I am angry at him though for wasting my time! I think I acted fine - was pretty guarded, made him jump through hoops, didn't have sex with him...I think if I met him now I would punch him in the arm! lol

 

I'm only slightly annoyed at myself for still thinking about him at times because I know he doesn't deserve any space in my mind.

 

And I'd be lying if I said I didn't care if he misses me.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, I would probably know through his actions if he was lying again about the same thing. The question is IF he said all the right things as above, should I even bother to give him the chance? He's disappointed me once. That's not a great signal in terms of the question: will he disappoint me in some other capacity in the future. Right?

Naomi, are you listening something only you can answer. I think I would probably give it a go if he was actually offering what it is I wanted all along and the request to give me what I wanted came in a timely manner. If he didn't contact me for weeks/months and then did.. I would certainly be a lot more skeptical of his true intent.

[Applewhite]

Thanks for your input on this. That's certainly something I'd like to think about. So far it's been a week he hasn't contacted me. Perhaps thinking about what you said will give me the strength I need to block his number, block/remove him from social media etc. I think once I am ok with doing that I will have moved on in an irreversible way.

 

It's strange how sometimes it's so easy to move on and sometimes it isn't.

[Hermes]

Well, well, well. (Been away travelling&working for several days).

 

Oh no, I am no devil's advocate, but I thought (mistakenly) that I'd inject some common sense and objectivity (maybe impartiality) into the soap opera LOL.

 

Of course there are 20.000 viewings. People so love a soap opera.

 

So, you've taken the step, Naomi? His text back to you sounds fairly well-mannered. Pity this man hadn't a chance to come on here and state HIS case.

[Applewhite]

Well, well, well. (Been away travelling&working for several days).

 

Oh no, I am no devil's advocate, but I thought (mistakenly) that I'd inject some common sense and objectivity (maybe impartiality) into the soap opera LOL.

 

Of course there are 20.000 viewings. People so love a soap opera.

 

So, you've taken the step, Naomi? His text back to you sounds fairly well-mannered. Pity this man hadn't a chance to come on here and state HIS case.

 

I can't imagine what his case would have been?

 

I like Naomi. But I can't sleep if I am not alone. I want to continue having sex with her, she makes me food too. I always call her when I want to see her. I treat her nicely. I hope she comes back. I'm hungry and horny.

[Hermes]

AWhite Of course you can't imagine what his case might be. Neither can I for that matter. He hasn't been here to state it. I don't go on imagination, nor do I second-guess. I need to hear what the person has to say.

I so detest man-bashing...but then that's me. Always fair and straight.

[Hermes]

Also, Naomi, it is always best to write your own texts (not just in this particular case). You don't need copy-writers and editors. Be yourself.

There are those who love to "live" vicariously through your particular experience.

 

It's a particular life skill (applicable to all situations) distinguishing OTT insincerity from the real article.

[journeynow]

Why would you care? What great thing would it be if he told you he missed you? If you're going to dwell on thinking about him (not recommended) then why not think: "Gee will he reach out and say he wants to be my exclusive boyfriend and meet all my friends?"

 

Hard to go from caring to not caring, it's a habit that needs breaking or re-directing. It's all inner work, shifting that inner dialogue. Instead of wondering about him, when those thoughts crop up, use them as a reminder to imagine how great you will feel when you are in your future fabulous satisfying relationship with the future Mr. Right. But first, imagine how great you will feel when you've healed from this.

[Naomi99]

Why would you care? What great thing would it be if he told you he missed you? If you're going to dwell on thinking about him (not recommended) then why not think: "Gee will he reach out and say he wants to be my exclusive boyfriend and meet all my friends?"

 

I'm not necessarily sure he would make a great boyfriend or that we would make a great couple. Lovers, yes. And I already said before, I'm not too keen on him meeting my friends.

 

Even in your thinking you have low expectations, why is that?

Low expectations, no. I have ZERO expectations. Anything positive that comes out of this is a bonus. Otherwise, no expectations.

 

Anyway... I'm sure he will miss you. You've been a part of his life for 8 months now. Its human nature. We are pack animals and It takes everyone time to get over the habit of having someone in our life who is now gone (no matter what the dynamic).

 

He is a loner He is happy alone and people who are happy alone are not miserable missing someone. Like I said, I have no pull.

Man, I really miss him.

[bluebell29]

I can't imagine what his case would have been?

 

I like Naomi. But I can't sleep if I am not alone. I want to continue having sex with her, she makes me food too. I always call her when I want to see her. I treat her nicely. I hope she comes back. I'm hungry and horny.

 

Haha. I think actually that he is not thinking about her because if he were, he would be expressing some regret.

I think he's thinking: OK sucks that that ended but it's fine, she's doing what she needs to do and I'm gonna do what I need to do too. I'm now free to sleep around with whoever I want, cool!