Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 OMG i didn't even write my text. East4 did. How pathetic is that? My story is not classy…Jaysus. It went on for now NINE months…I coulda had a baby by now. I let him walk all over me and still would have given him the world. Also remember I'm a decade older, and if I was your age, I probably would have still been with that guy and not been savvy enough to call it off. I think you did great ending it when you did. And you didn't have sex, you didn't give up the goodies that's one thing he didn't get the better of. You're a smart gal and you are not alone in feeling miserable. I'm right there with you, just a forum away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 What I don't yet have the strength to do is delete him from my phone so I can stop checking his WhatsApp status, and block him on okcupid so i can stop checking when he is signed on. If I delete all his messages, emails etc, I will have no way of contacting him, or checking up on his online activity, which would be great. Hey, if you're not ready to delete any of that social networking stuff, then don't do it. You'll gradually stop checking when you're ready to move on. If you delete it all now, there's no getting them back, so I say leave it and just try to practice self-restraint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 OMG i didn't even write my text. East4 did. How pathetic is that? My story is not classy…Jaysus. It went on for now NINE months…I coulda had a baby by now. I let him walk all over me and still would have given him the world. Also remember I'm a decade older, and if I was your age, I probably would have still been with that guy and not been savvy enough to call it off. I think you did great ending it when you did. And you didn't have sex, you didn't give up the goodies that's one thing he didn't get the better of. You're a smart gal and you are not alone in feeling miserable. I'm right there with you, just a forum away. Oh wow that made me want to hug you so much. My reasoning for the no sex rule was not about giving goodies, but I know now that when I do have sex I get really attached. I knew that with this guy I could easily fall for him so I wanted to restrain myself until we had a formal commitment, no matter how long that took. He was fine with that and even wanted to prove to me that he wanted to spend time, and was eventually even careful about not kissing/hugging too much. but it came to a point where I knew he was having sex with another girl (don't ask) and just taking me on dates and asking if we could be "platonic friends" while he figured out what he wanted. I felt like not only were we not going forward, we were going backward. That was a big part (but not the only part) of my decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 NINE months… Ah, does this mark the birth of the new Naomi? Labor pains can be rough, and sometimes prolonged, plus there is a recover/healing after, and a lot of nurturing, but, oh! the gift of life! Your new life is waiting for you, and you'll love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I don't know. Today is awful. I just want him to contact me really bad and tell me he misses me. I doubt it though, because his last text said he won't contact me again unless he hears from me first, which ain't happening. I just want him to experience this overwhelming desire of longing for me, so much so that he disregards his promise of not contacting me, and tells me he misses me. I swear I will sleep better if I knew he missed me. I'm going to cry now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I don't know. Today is awful. I just want him to contact me really bad and tell me he misses me. I doubt it though, because his last text said he won't contact me again unless he hears from me first, which ain't happening. I just want him to experience this overwhelming desire of longing for me, so much so that he disregards his promise of not contacting me, and tells me he misses me. I swear I will sleep better if I knew he missed me. I'm going to cry now. I understand what you feel because I feel the same things. I feel them even if I know it makes no sense. It's painful. I want him to think, he made a mistake, he lost someone who he barely deserved. I want to know he realizes anyone he's dating didn't have the strong connection we had etc. It's so stupid. Then I get angry at myself for feeling/thinking these things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I recently stumbled accross this website and I thought you might like it. Some articles that really touched me and that I think is applicable to almost anyone. link removed This is good. I can look at that girl with an endless amount of compassion and love and know that she made the best decision she could at the time, with the skills she had learned up to that point. She wasn’t bad or wrong, or stupid. ...what she gave me was actually a gift. It taught me that real self-love, real forgiveness and real self-compassion are about looking at everything that happened to you – every wrong that was done to you, every stupid decision, every hurt, every move you made that didn’t have a favorable outcome and not wishing it had happened any differently, and knowing that the most painful times in our lives are usually the ones that teach us the best lessons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 NO, I am not going to contact the doctor, but do you think there is a small chance he will reach out and say he misses me? Even though he told me he won't contact me again? I actually think THAT'S your "magic words." Moreso than an apology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 You wouldn't sleep better if he contacted you saying he misses you. You'd be up all night wondering "Should I respond? If so, how should I respond? OMG, does that mean he really DOES love me? Should I have ended it? Maybe I should have held on a bit longer!" Trust me, it's better this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 What I don't yet have the strength to do is delete him from my phone so I can stop checking his WhatsApp status, and block him on okcupid so i can stop checking when he is signed on. If I delete all his messages, emails etc, I will have no way of contacting him, or checking up on his online activity, which would be great. I'm going through the exact same thing right now, just to let you know, Applewhite (and with a very similar budding relationship trajectory). Glad to know I'm not the only kook (or that neither of us are kooks!), lol. I hate this stage. It's like compulsively glancing at a hole in a bucket just to make sure it's still there. He, of course, had no problem blocking me right post-"break up" (in quotes because nothing was official yet). Fun times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I understand what you feel because I feel the same things. I feel them even if I know it makes no sense. It's painful. I want him to think, he made a mistake, he lost someone who he barely deserved. I want to know he realizes anyone he's dating didn't have the strong connection we had etc. It's so stupid. Then I get angry at myself for feeling/thinking these things. I just want him to experience this overwhelming desire of longing for me...and tells me he misses me. A bunch of us seem to be in the same boat right now...just commiserating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 That is strange. I do not like men who like me more than I like them. Complete turnoff. I have to like them more, but then pretend I don't. I let him walk all over me and still would have given him the world. Also remember I'm a decade older, and if I was your age, I probably would have still been with that guy and not been savvy enough to call it off. Earlier it was mentioned that you needed "skills" in being assertive and stating what you want...but I think it's more deep than that. A person can "know" what they'd like to say but not assert it because of a driving force in their psyche that prevents them from doing that. Something here was more important to you, to hang onto in this relationship, than to assert yourself. Self-assertion wasn't (and still isn't) a priority, that's the problem. So asserting yourself isn't about knowing the right words, it's removing what blocks you from being able to say them and acting in ways that are self-respecting from the get-go. It seems you have more to accomplish in therapy. Especially given what you said about you having to basically have an imbalance of interest in the person (and that this imbalance has to have a fascade to it). Subliminally, you sought this dynamic out, it was no accident; he fit right into what you need to be turned on. And I think you should be exploring that more because I don't think even if you give this guy up for good, the psychological underpinnings that made this so attractive to you are anywhere near sorted out. It's still your MO. You need to find out more about what that's about. Because it's not healthy, and it could happen again. Some very, very old pattern is playing out here. And as corny as it sounds, it probably stems from something early in your life, regarding some unhealthy attachment/love dynamic. Perhaps at some impressionable point in your life, love was withheld. When that happens, winning back what you were deprived of becomes a kind of life mission in love. In your last relationship (the very long one?) was there an imbalance? Did he like you/love you/care/demonstrate his love/care for you less than you did, him? Were you the pursuer of affection and love, as you were here with the doctor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I don't know. Today is awful. I just want him to contact me really bad and tell me he misses me. I doubt it though, because his last text said he won't contact me again unless he hears from me first, which ain't happening. I just want him to experience this overwhelming desire of longing for me, so much so that he disregards his promise of not contacting me, and tells me he misses me. I swear I will sleep better if I knew he missed me. I'm going to cry now. My ex sounds very similar to yours--charming, seductive, very intelligent, emotionally unavailable, etc. I went back a few times before blocking him four months ago, so I've been where you are about 4 times. I only said "don't contact me again" once. He did reach out anyway 2 months later for a lame reason which was obvioulsy an excuse to make contact. And I got sucked back into texting him (not seeing him), which pulled me right back in emotionally. Then I had to go through the pain all over again to finally realize I was done and block him. That's why no contact is so important. One time I told him I'd met someone else (which wasn't true), and he said he would wait for me to contact him. He kept to his word. I reached out about 2 months later and he was thrilled to hear from me and things were actually much better for awhile. He was very attentive, went out of his way for me etc. But things went right back to original status quo within about 5 months. Judging from your description of the doctor, it sounds like he has a lot of pride and self-control. I would not expect to hear a peep from him for at least a month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 A bunch of us seem to be in the same boat right now...just commiserating. I'm really glad we are in this together. I couldn't break up with him this readily without this forum. Really. I would probably be in his bed right now, ignoring my girlfriends, getting entangled deeper and deeper. It makes me happy that there are 20,000-plus views too, because that means other women (and also importantly MEN) are reading this and know how much headache is caused when two people shove important conversations under the rug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 NO, I am not going to contact the doctor, but do you think there is a small chance he will reach out and say he misses me? Even though he told me he won't contact me again? I think he will. But that's the ultimate test anyways, to see if he keeps his word and keeps away. Make it a challenge to yourself, that you will be the strongest. I reckon he's just giving you a bit of space, then he'll pounce. haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 What a yo-yo of a relationship that sounds like. Gee I don't think I can go through this four times!! And your second scenario sounds exactly like where I am at right now! When you told him you met someone else and he was thrilled to hear from you, how did you end up getting back together so quickly? I don't think I will hear from him at all, period. We both have waaaay too much pride and with a touch of snobbiness. He said he wouldn't contact me unless I contacted first, and I refuse to. So stalemate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 (sorry, responding to something a few pages ago) That's the way to look at it - a romance. Not a girlfriend/boyfriend thing - but a romance that you had. It lasted for awhile, then ended. And now its over. He's not evil - you just want more and want different. He gave what he was willing to give - and you willingly took it until you decided to not anymore. It WILL get better. The first minutes and hours of my breakup with my ex were the worst for sure. If you can keep that boundary of distanc- and the longer you can keep it, the better you will heal. Also, about the ex - if your ex mother in law was like a mom to you - its okay to keep her around somewhat - but as far as the ex "who knows you best" = I think really, you do need to look at that boundary. unless you have kids together, your ex being the closest friend to you is not a ripe environment for having a serious boyfriend. On friendly terms- ok, fine - but being your confidant, your advisor, etc, that relationship may be attached to your fear of commitment. Anyone serious about you is going to have to deal with the third wheel and they are not wrong to not want that. They won't want you talking about your dating and sex life with them with him unless he has very poor boundaries himself. So - you defend that relationship but moving forward - how will that be tweaked if you indeed want a steady boyfriend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 No, that was a pretty normal healthy relationship. We grew up together and sadly grew apart. I do think my past has something to do with seeking out approval from an unavailable man. Without delving too much into my childhood, I've had issues with my parents being completely psycho religious nuts. I'm agnostic and have known since I was a small child. That should give you a hint right there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I think he will. But that's the ultimate test anyways, to see if he keeps his word and keeps away. Make it a challenge to yourself, that you will be the strongest. I reckon he's just giving you a bit of space, then he'll pounce. haha So far you've been pretty much on the money with everything you've forecasted. We'll see about this one. I already know I have stronger willpower than he does. He caves very easily when it comes to desserts and retail therapy… things that satisfy the flesh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 If you sent me that text, I would just have looked at it and smiled. I would think "Yeah ok" and I'd leave you alone for awhile. Then I'd contact you. But that's just what I'd do, and since he never dumped or ended this with you, he will just wait. If he contacts you, you need a proper break-up talk in person. But your text will do for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 A bunch of us seem to be in the same boat right now...just commiserating. Yep, going through pretty much exactly the same thing. No more checking his whatsapp status because I finally deleted his number 2 days ago...it's tough... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Yep, going through pretty much exactly the same thing. No more checking his whatsapp status because I finally deleted his number 2 days ago...it's tough... Oh wow I wish I could do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Four ladies ... at least going through something similar. That's why there is such a strong market for those "Make him fall in love with you" books/ebooks. I don't agree with everything Evan Marc Katz says but he's a dating coach who has said one or two things that do resonate with me. One is that in dating a woman should stand still in the beginning and the right man would come to her. Not that she doesn't do anything ... she would quickly reciprocate. But if he is serious about her, he will come to her from the beginning. So you can gather from how things go in the first few months how things will go in the relationship. That's not to say his now wife didn't state her needs. She made it known early on she was dating for marriage. He just said that while his ex is a good person, his wife is the personality and temperament and feeling he wants for the rest of his life. If you are a long time reader/follower of his blog, you would see a lot of short descriptions of his wife and his exes ... separately. His wife's personality is not important here. What struck me is that we all have lists, needs, desires ... whether said or unsaid. And if a guy doesn't want to commit it just means those lists don't match/aren't compatible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 In my 'relationship' I merely reciprocated as well. I suppose the hard part is getting over the perceived 'rejection' because that is what it is in a sense if someone doesn't want a relationship with 'you'. In a culture where we are so habituated to seeking validation from everyone - bosses, university admissions officers, clients - it's hard to suddenly start chanting mantras of self-love and forget about the rejection from someone you were really into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Oh wow I wish I could do that. I go through this weird cycle of deleting and then adding back. Not fully off the rollercoaster yet I'm afraid..! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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