8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[Naomi99]

My friends are happy and relieved I did what I did…the only thing that is missing is them parading around and singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead."

 

I don't like talking this way about a man I am in love with, but not one single friend of mine likes him. My three best friends share the same summarizations without even consulting each other. Even my cousin, fresh and innocent, a decade younger, says he's not fighting for me because he knows I can do better than him. She made me cry again.

 

My ex, who probably knows me best in this entire world, dislikes him. And the person who hates him the most and has called him every bad name in the book is my ex's mother. (Before you chastise me on bad boundaries, I've known her for 30 years and a surrogate mother to me. She's aware of the entire dating history with the doctor. Like the 20,000 site visitors, she finds it entertaining as well. Something I don't really understand why, but oh well.) I was on the phone with her the other night and she said in the history of knowing me, that was the wisest decision she's seen me make as of yet. Do you know what it's like hearing a 72-year-old woman saying, "Doctor or not, that man is a pr*ck! He took advantage of your kindness! You would give him the world! I know how sweet you are and you don't see it, but he is an a-hole! He knows exactly what he is doing. What has he done for you? You tell me, what has he done for you? NOTHING!"

 

Then we get to this ENA forum. There's really not one advocate of the doctor. Maybe Hermes, but she's playing devil's advocate. Complete internet strangers who share the same viewpoint as my closest friends. I tried to be as objective as possible when relating incidents because of course I want to get fair and balanced opinions, and I know I've gone off on rants and called him a pumpkin, etc….but I believe you are all wise enough to take the name-calling with a grain of salt.

 

So then I ask myself, what is wrong with this picture? It's me. It's not him or anyone else. He's been the exact same since day one. I'm the one who changed and fell in love. Everyone in the entirety of my world sings the same tune, "he's not good for you." I know exactly why I fell in love with him…going back through my therapy notes, but right now it's a matter of practicing skills that will keep me from making the same mistakes again, learning to prioritize what I want, having the courage to ask for what I want, and not being afraid of the outcome.

It will save a lot of time and internet cloud space…hopefully my next relationship won't take up another 120 pages of this forum.

 

After he sent that text yesterday, it sent me spiraling downhill and there is no reason why a man of that caliber should have such a dismal effect on me, rendering me listless in bed all day with a box of tissues and a sleeping pill. My diet for the past 24 hours has consisted of raw pumpkin seeds and earl grey tea.

 

I think I sent the text too quickly. He has a pretty invasive surgery coming up late summer/early fall, and I didn't take that into consideration when I said "no need to keep in contact." We have no mutual friends and are not connected on FB. I have no way of knowing what happened to him without contacting him directly myself, and this kills me.

[ThatwasThen]

Pretend he died. There, that takes care of THAT!

[Naomi99]

That's prolly just us 8 or so who keep viewing to see what the latest posts are.

 

I knew this was a very long thread, but I just keep linking back to the last post, never the front page. So I had NO IDEA how many views there were!!!! It's absurd!

 

Wouldn't it be crazy if this got back to him somehow? Oh, man. I would lie like a dog and say, "No way, that's not me at all. Just a huge coincidence. How are you doing?"

[reinventmyself]

Like the 20,000 site visitors,

 

Not individual visitors, just each time someone (same posters and new) view the thread.

[Naomi99]

pretend he died. There, that takes care of that!

 

hahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahhahahhaha!!!!!!!!

 

OMG I GOTTA PEE

[Naomi99]

Pretend he died. There, that takes care of THAT!

 

That has got to be the funniest post in this whole 1000-post thread.

[ThatwasThen]

hahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahhahahhaha!!!!!!!!

 

OMG I GOTTA PEE

... Lolzzz ...

[bluebell29]

I think I sent the text too quickly. He has a pretty invasive surgery coming up late summer/early fall, and I didn't take that into consideration when I said "no need to keep in contact." We have no mutual friends and are not connected on FB. I have no way of knowing what happened to him without contacting him directly myself, and this kills me.

 

It should be killing him that he doesn't know if you've broken a leg walking up the hill with groceries this morning!

If it's a very serious surgery, you might consider some way of finding out. But no need to think about it now. Mission 'erase doctor from life' should be on.

[tiredofvampires]

My diet for the past 24 hours has consisted of raw pumpkin seeds

 

I really shouldn't laugh, but the double entendre here I couldn't resist...

 

You know, many things are going to happen to him each day, or could possibly happen to him each day. He could be hit by a car, too. He could slip and fall and be laid up in a cast. He could be injured in a horrible plumbing accident. And eventually, his life is going to end somehow. In other words, life is going to proceed with him just as it has before you met him. You do not need to be informed about any one of these events more than another.

[journeynow]

I've been there, or in similar shoes. Perspective is hard to gain…Can be painful…and painful again, but the view from the new level reached is both helpful, and wider, and to carry the metaphor, in new directions can be spectacular. The trick is to not trip over any obstacles in our paths, and if we do, to not stay focused on them.

 

Several tricks that helped me pick myself up and inch forward: 1) replace my inner dialogue, at least occasionally, with an inner cheering squad or coach…encouraging me and accepting me fully and 2) therapeutic massage. (The physical withdrawal was so painful and I needed grounding touch and physical healing.)

 

As for his surgery, it's ok to not know. If he dies, you will find out, if anything else happens, what can you do, he lost that part of you by not meeting you in a more meaningful relationship. That doesn't make you an uncaring person, you are still caring, but now taking care of you, caring for the part of you that needs healing and inner processing and radical acceptance and joy. Which will benefit your next relationship.

 

Oh, and 3) Smoothies and creamy soups. I had no appetite for months and months.

[Applewhite]

So only since you were wondering, at least one person: me, is lurking without posts! (I am sure there must be others). Reasons being I left this forum a while ago for some reasons, and I didn't want to post.

 

I came back bc I am going through something similar, only less involved than yours right now. Your posts and attitude is helping me. Though from some past experience, I have been more careful than you I think and didn't let this drag on for 8 months.

 

So your posts help me, and keep me stronger. I'm hurting too, and just ended something that felt really good. I don't want to hijack the thread so I don't want to go into detail.

 

But here I am, lurking! And silently cheering you on. Please don't breakdown and contact him. You give me hope and strength in my situation. You've really helped me.

[Naomi99]

I really shouldn't laugh, but the double entendre here I couldn't resist...

.

 

I did not realize I said he had the emotional intelligence of a pumpkin, and that is degrading to the pumpkin, and all along I'm tossing raw pumpkin seeds into my mouth.

Hey, they're good for you!!

[Naomi99]

So only since you were wondering, at least one person: me, is lurking without posts! (I am sure there must be others). Reasons being I left this forum a while ago for some reasons, and I didn't want to post.

 

I came back bc I am going through something similar, only less involved than yours right now. Your posts and attitude is helping me. Though from some past experience, I have been more careful than you I think and didn't let this drag on for 8 months.

 

So your posts help me, and keep me stronger. I'm hurting too, and just ended something that felt really good. I don't want to hijack the thread so I don't want to go into detail.

 

But here I am, lurking! And silently cheering you on. Please don't breakdown and contact him. You give me hope and strength in my situation. You've really helped me.

 

Thank you for posting this. I feel better knowing that being miserable and sad has its silver lining in that the experience helped other people make tough decisions.

[Applewhite]

For me it is hard to kill the hope of him and what could have been. That's something I always struggle with if I am having difficulty letting a relationship go. And the fear that I will not find someone I like as much as I liked him/in the ways I liked him.

 

Also there's the idea that it hurts that if he had just liked me enough he would have wanted a relationship. That's even more unhealthier than the previous thought, I know. And it probably has something to do with insecurity, even though in general I think I am pretty confident.

[itsallgrand]

I recently stumbled accross this website and I thought you might like it. Some articles that really touched me and that I think is applicable to almost anyone.

link removed

 

When your mind strays, what will you choose as your north star? What's really important to Naomi?

 

Maybe an easy start would be a nice meal. ?

[bluebell29]

For me it is hard to kill the hope of him and what could have been. That's something I always struggle with if I am having difficulty letting a relationship go. And the fear that I will not find someone I like as much as I liked him/in the ways I liked him.

 

Also there's the idea that it hurts that if he had just liked me enough he would have wanted a relationship. That's even more unhealthier than the previous thought, I know. And it probably has something to do with insecurity, even though in general I think I am pretty confident.

I can totally relate to what you're saying. My thing too lasted far less than 8 months because of my wariness as well. I still think why didn't he like me enough.

 

Worst of all I've been comparing myself to his ex of 5 years thinking why did he like her enough for a 5 year relationship and not me? Terrible to think this wqy I know but it's also to do with the fact that his ex seems so similar to me that it's uncanny. So I wonder why did he adore her and not me...sucks!

 

And I also don't know where these thoughts come from because I do believe I'm confident and really not insecure.

 

And then I think it's because she took the crap that he dished out for 5 years while I didn't stand it for more than 2 months lol

[tiredofvampires]

I think, based on my personal experience (some of it recent for me, too) that we can confuse falling in love with a person with falling in love with a fantasy of their potential with us and what that would look like. It really comes down to defaulting to the person's glowing attributes, when you wanted to build on them, rather than being able to proportionally weigh in their negative qualities, on the scales.

 

I used to make lists more than I do now, but if you make a list of all the things that make this person no good for you and all the things you love/like about them, you can see more graphically how objectively, they are not on whole someone you want to be with. Someone you would not choose. Even though subjectively, you keep focusing on and remembering the things you liked, minimizing the larger picture. Even if the list has more good qualities listed than bad, one bad quality might equal a whole handful of good qualities. Like, "is talented, kisses well, is articulate, makes me laugh" put on the scale against, "Is self-centered/selfish" -- which side is going to count more?

 

This is a very cerebral analytical exercise, but it's a good way of putting into perspective how well this person actually meets (or falls short of) your real values and criteria for a partner.

 

I guarantee you, if you were to list all the things that you think are central to what you need in a man's character and relationship orientation, they will not appear on the doctor's list of attributes. I don't even think being a doctor means someone is "kind", for instance. He's got to be kind in interpersonal relations, and have an open heart (other than having it done when he's got no choice, unconscious in the OR), to meet your criteria. It's not enough to be making money hand over fist to be in charge of patients on a table. So examine your criteria and look at what makes you feel you're in love. WHO HE REALLY IS, or WHO YOU'D LIKE HIM TO BE?

 

I find the hardest part is realizing that a man is not who I'd like him to be. But for some reason, I keep making him someone he's not. I keep trying to make a hard, wooden puppet into a warm, huggable teddy bear. It's a funny thing our minds do. "Be what I want you to be! Be what I want you to be! Look like what I want you to be!"

 

We don't try to make a sheet of paper turn into a bookcase. But we try to make a man who is a frog into a prince.

 

 

Here's a fresh, shocking idea: I don't like a man enough who doesn't like me enough. Him liking/loving me as much as I like/love him is actually a criterion of its own, however else he may gleam in the sun in my eyes.

[Naomi99]

When your mind strays, what will you choose as your north star? What's really important to Naomi?

 

Maybe an easy start would be a nice meal. ?

 

Decorating and pumpkin seeds. Oh, and working out.

 

I just got a hanging pot thing and grid panel installed in my kitchen and rearranging kitchen utensils has been very therapeutic.

[Naomi99]

That is strange. I do not like men who like me more than I like them. Complete turnoff. I have to like them more, but then pretend I don't.

 

I've made lists of the doctor before. Lots of them….pros/cons learned that skill in therapy. There is a very funny story. I made a huge list with things that stated "Too old. Potential booty call. Thinks he is funny but he isn't."

 

And then guess what? The list accidentally got submitted with paperwork for my job, and my boss called me up saying, "What is this paper? Potential booty call?"

 

I DIED!!!! Thank god she loves me, caught the list, and completely understood!!! She said she put it in the shredder.

[Ms Darcy]

Applewhite, good for you for getting out in two months! We all learn. We all learn and grow.

 

This thread is a good thing if it's teaching people to walk away.

 

Don't feel like you weren't good enough. As catfeeder oft says, most of us are not a good match. If mutual love was so easy to find, everyone would order it with a side of fries.

[Applewhite]

Applewhite, good for you for getting out in two months! We all learn. We all learn and grow.

 

This thread is a good thing if it's teaching people to walk away.

 

Don't feel like you weren't good enough. As catfeeder oft says, most of us are not a good match. If mutual love was so easy to find, everyone would order it with a side of fries.

 

Actually it was 1 month, 7 dates (not counting the long courtship online). I am so proud of myself. Still hurts like hell though.

[Naomi99]

Actually it was 1 month, 7 dates (not counting the long courtship online). I am so proud of myself. Still hurts like hell though.

 

How long ago was that, and did he contact you since the breakup?

[Applewhite]

It was last Tuesday we were supposed to meet and instead I wrote to him "If you were attracted to me enough, all of this was a non-issue. For that reason alone, this is my last text to you." Referring to him wanting to continue dating me but not know when and if he will be ready for a relationship because he needs to date etc.

 

I really wish I wrote your text instead. Mine kinda puts me down and makes it sound like there is something wrong with me, I'm not enough etc.

 

Anyway he hasn't contacted me since I wrote that.

 

(I omitted so many nasty details of what happened on purpose. LOL I am not sure I'm ready to reveal all the nastiness. Not as classy as your story for sure.)

 

P.S. we got sexual, but never actually had sex. And in fact towards the end of it he knew I didn't want it without commitment so he was making genuine effort to plan dates without getting sexual at all. But non of that was enough for me. I didn't need exclusivity right then and there, but not knowing if and when he could want that was too much for me.

[Naomi99]

NO, I am not going to contact the doctor, but do you think there is a small chance he will reach out and say he misses me? Even though he told me he won't contact me again?

[Applewhite]

What I don't yet have the strength to do is delete him from my phone so I can stop checking his WhatsApp status, and block him on okcupid so i can stop checking when he is signed on. If I delete all his messages, emails etc, I will have no way of contacting him, or checking up on his online activity, which would be great.