boltnrun Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 He won't change. He won't get depressed or feel massive pain. He has purposely kept me at a distance so it's impossible to form any type of attachment to me. I have no pull. He set it up this way specifically to avoid any progression of a bond ...All so he can walk away easily with zero tears when the woman frustrates and ends it. I see it now. What helped me get through my breakup was realizing I was replaceable. Interchangeable. My body, my physical presence, in his mind could have been anyone. HE didn't feel like I was anyone special. It could just as well have been someone else. I felt a special bond to him. He didn't feel that bond. I was a body with a "hole and a heartbeat". Not a nice feeling. But it sure helped me realize I didn't need to be putting myself through that anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's early days Naomi, this isn't over by a long shot. But we are here for you, so please stay strong and don't do any contacting. He's probably going to give you some space, and then try it on again. It's a cycle, one that is stuck on repeat. But you show him you are stronger than on Valentines day. That unless he is going to commit, your going to commit to no contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 But, he still chose to let you go, he risks you meeting someone, he risks never seeing you again, he risks it all with regards to you, yet he still chose to let you go. All you have done for him, all of your tears, everything you did for him with your heart, still not good enough, still not worth to him to want you stay. You deserve a man who will fight for you to keep you in his arm and appreciate you! No not really. Because he knows how she feels about him, he's pretty confident that wasn't going anywhere. That is, until today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm guessing "I love you" may be the kicker? And I'm guessing somewhere in your conversation with him you may have suggested you'd stay if he said it and meant it. OR...I could be wrong. Nope. Even if he said "I love you," that would not move me to go back. "I love you" is too easy and predictable and doesn't do anything about the damage in the past. It means absolutely nothing but a sweep under the rug. The magic words for me are "I apologize." "I apologize" shows that he accepts responsibility and recognizes his decisions were always in his best interest and not mine and that is a horrible way to treat a person who has done nothing but been sweet to him, esp. in his most dismal of days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's early days Naomi, this isn't over by a long shot. It is over. I can assure you I am not contacting, and he by his own words says he won't be contacting me. When two people stop contacting each other, game over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I almost want to suggest you contact him to say, "Thank you for the offer, I'll keep it in mind. It would be an honor to be able to introduce you to my new guy. I think we'd all have fun getting dinner together and chatting. I'll let you know, should the occasion arise." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I would if we were younger. Can't play games with him. Inappropriate. He's an old doctor who saves people's lives and has more important things to do than toy with a fatuous girl. I am starting to feel "no need to contact me" in my text to him was unnecessary. Now I will never know about his second surgery, if it was successful or if he died on the table. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 it's impossible to form any type of attachment to me. I have no pull. Says the woman who has attracted 20,000 page views for her story. You've pulled us in and we've never met you!! I completely agree that he set it up intentionally to try to keep his distance, to try to maintain control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Wow. I didn't realize there were so many views! There are only about 8 of us who are really contributing, so who are the other thousands of users who are lurking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I would if we were younger. Can't play games with him. Inappropriate. He's an old doctor who saves people's lives and has more important things to do than toy with a fatuous girl. I am starting to feel "no need to contact me" in my text to him was unnecessary. Now I will never know about his second surgery, if it was successful or if he died on the table. No contact is truly the best thing in this situation. Trust all of us who have been there. You cannot move on when you are texting this guy. I'm sure you have ways to find out if he died. Light contact makes the break-up seem somewhat easier in the short term, but the process of moving on and healing comes screeching to a halt without you even realizing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Told you he was a gentleman.Gentleman? More like manipulative horsechit stated to make you think "gee he's so charming." I feel like I just met the most charming and seductive man on vacation, had a sparkling whirlwind romance, and he got on his plane and I got on mine, and we will never see each other again.Good because that is exactly how you should be thinking on it. Finality ~ closure ~ acceptance ~ indifference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Nope. Even if he said "I love you," that would not move me to go back. "I love you" is too easy and predictable and doesn't do anything about the damage in the past. It means absolutely nothing but a sweep under the rug. The magic words for me are "I apologize." "I apologize" shows that he accepts responsibility and recognizes his decisions were always in his best interest and not mine and that is a horrible way to treat a person who has done nothing but been sweet to him, esp. in his most dismal of days.Sorry, but: There's that "victimhood" shining through again. You are a volunteer... not a victim so take responsibility for yourself because chances are high that if you don't, you will hurt for a lot longer. Acknowledge and then forgive YOU. I'm a straight shooter. Sorry if I seem harsh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 But, he still chose to let you go, he risks you meeting someone, he risks never seeing you again, he risks it all with regards to you, yet he still chose to let you go. All you have done for him, all of your tears, everything you did for him with your heart, still not good enough, still not worth to him to want you stay. You deserve a man who will fight for you to keep you in his arm and appreciate you! I'm not really sure I agree with this personally. This isn't about anyone's efforts not being good enough. It's just that he has said he doesn't want a relationship and I have learned that if a man says that, you should really believe him. I also feel like the fighting for you thing isn't all that indicative of a long-term relationship. I just came back from a couples resort and my husband and I got the chance to speak with a lot of couples that have been married for years. We noticed in talking to them that they pretty much knew this was the one within six to eight months of dating and there was very little drama or doubt about how the other person felt. Obviously that's not always the case. But I was really struck by the women talking about the contrast between this relationship and previous ones that were much more stressful where his commitment wasn't consistent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I slept a total of two hours last night. So depressed and sad. Don't have the strength to get out of bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Definitely call some girlfriends and see if anyone can come over and have some girl or guy friend time. Post break up, I used to get on the phone for hours and had a friend come over for a talk/movie night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It is understandable Naomi, the first week is always awful. My best advice would be to find the strength, get up, dress up and...go to work, even if you are absolutely useless in office. Moping around in pajamas is about the worse you can do, because your mind will have too much freedom and time to ponder on the break up. Go to work, it is a great distraction. In the evening, treat yourself to a few (at least 1!) glass of Champaign and read through the "Recovery from a break up" guide. We are here if you need to talk. link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Naomi, You have more than enough help here but I still view the thread to see what the next plot twist will be. I could tell 50 pages ago that you would end it, feel bad and even have regrets because parts of the "relationship/arrangement" were good for you. Now you are onto the step of healing and the ladies here will keep helping you as you come to accept that what you decided was the best thing for you long term. If you tell us you missed your period you could run this thing to 200 pages! Ha ha Be good to yourself. You did the right thing Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I echo everything Ms. East said from Europe. Try not to wallow. Whatever you focus on, you create more of. When you wallow in the sadness and pain you just create more sadness and pain for yourself. No one has ever felt better after wallowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Hi Naomi, you're just going to have to move through the pain. Distract yourself as much as possible, yes, but it's ok to have some crying time. If you suppress everything, it will come up later. Just move through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I would if we were younger. Can't play games with him. Inappropriate. He's an old doctor who saves people's lives and has more important things to do than toy with a fatuous girl. I am starting to feel "no need to contact me" in my text to him was unnecessary. Now I will never know about his second surgery, if it was successful or if he died on the table. I was totally being facetious Of course you shouldn't contact him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Hang in there, girl. You're doing fine. It doesn't feel like it, but this is exactly how it all happens. One day, it will feel better; right now you're just in the "grief" stage of things. Get out and live your life the best you can today -- little steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Hi Naomi, you're just going to have to move through the pain. Distract yourself as much as possible, yes, but it's ok to have some crying time. If you suppress everything, it will come up later. Just move through it. Agreed. Definitely feel the emotions, have the crying release, but then try to distract yourself. There is a fine line between feeling sad emotions and wallowing in them. It will take time to feel good again. In the meantime I'm just trying to keep Naomi away from the dark abyss of pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 link removed Can't tell if those illustrations are meant to be funny or scary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I would give myself a time limit for crying/wallowing in self-pity. No more than 15 minutes at a time, then it was time to stop and do something. Bake cookies, buy a houseplant and transplant it, organize my sock and underwear drawers, clean (this is a good one, make sure it's something like dusting the baseboards), go for a brisk walk...anything. Then, a couple of hours later, allow for 15 more minutes of crying/wallowing. I found that giving myself permission instead of fighting it was quite helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Wow. I didn't realize there were so many views! There are only about 8 of us who are really contributing, so who are the other thousands of users who are lurking? That's prolly just us 8 or so who keep viewing to see what the latest posts are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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