8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[chamachama]

Sound like your girl is being cautious because you hurt her once before, so she's wary about proceeding. Without knowing full details, I think she is wise to take it slow.

 

Thank you. And I agree. I'm trying to take things as slow as I can and live in the grey area (which as you know...I no likey as long as possible. Anyway, this is your thread. Sorry for derailing. But thank you for addressing it=)

[reinventmyself]

I am scared to invest myself in someone who shows a history of being unable to invest in anyone else.

 

BUT . .apparently you are not because you are already invested in someone with not only history of commitment issues and you are having real time experiences with him committing. It you were really afraid of this I am not sure why you are participating.

 

No one should ever be afraid to speak their truth about what they want out of life.

He either wants the same thing or he doesn't ... How long are you willing to wait to find out the answer

Funny how we are willing to get naked with someone, swap bodily fluids, give away our hearts but we become tongue tied about saying what we want out of life.

And I don't mean what you want from him . .But basically how you see your future.

After all it is your life and your right to design it as you see fit. Not every one will have the same vision.

8mo's in the dark is long enough.

[journeynow]

I am confused…

It is strange how people peg me for being passive here. I am, to an extent, when it comes to initiating contact.

 

I think you are saying you are passive in initiating contact.

He contacts me every couple of days and he initiates the majority of the time. For the most part, the relationship has been very casual and relaxed with zero drama.

 

How do you not see that as passive in a very important way, possibly giving him the impression that you aren't looking for more? You are not being an equal in this relationship, so I don't understand why you are perplexed.

[Ms Darcy]

I think if you continue to let your fear that he won't want what you want keep you from TALKING TO HIM AND ASKING HIM, you will waste another year or two here.

[janesmiley]

8 months? You are at the point where you need to have the "where is this going" conversation. Unless you are cool with just coasting in this casual relationship for another 8 months. From someone who just broke up with a 48 year old commitment phobe / serial dater, you are putting yourself in a position to get hurt if you don't have the conversation now. This is likely all he wants. But you won't know for sure unless you ask. And if you are not cool with being in a casual, no strings relationship, then you should walk if he says that is all he wants. There are plenty of other guys out there who want a relationship (or at least that's what I'm telling myself

[Naomi99]

There are two issues that people seem to bring up:

 

1. My lack of initiating dates.

2. I need to talk to him and ask him.

 

I do both of these simultaneously, he's going to bolt for the mountains.

Which one should I do first? I'm thinking talk first, because if he says "Hell, no. I don't want to be committed to you, you impish woman!" then me initiating dates is moot.

[wilyone 11]

Maybe age doesn't make him wiser but his years of experience over mine certainly gives him the upper hand.

 

The reason I am hesitant to state my case is because if he says he doesn't want to be committed, then I'll have to walk away and the relationship electively ends. I wish there was some way to know without asking.

 

You seem pretty savvy. Don't sell yourself short.

 

He's got a pretty good gig going here. I think you need to feel him out without pressuring him, and let him know that you're not going to date casually forever (assuming that's the case). How about something along the lines of the following, surrounded by upbeat conversation before and after.

 

"I'm happy with you and want to keep dating, but the future is important to me too. I'd like to see how I feel about things over the next several months and see if there's something more serious that we're both interested in and want."

 

You're stating what you're looking for, not putting him on the spot with questions.

 

Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a sign of confidence, of someone who respects themselves, of someone who knows their own self-worth. Weak boundaries are a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem.

[notalady]

Why would he bolt if he wants something serious with you? He'd be delighted to have things clarified and have you initiate dates if he wanted the same as you.

 

If he doesn't, well then you're the one that should be bolting.

[Naomi99]

Why would he bolt if he wants something serious with you? He'd be delighted to have things clarified and have you initiate dates if he wanted the same as you.

 

If he doesn't, well then you're the one that should be bolting.

 

XOXOXOOXO!! If you were here, I'd kiss you.

[ThatwasThen]

lol...

 

Anyway.. have you ever invited him to come to your home and stay overnight? If so, did he accept your invitation? If not, why haven't you invited him there?

[Ms Darcy]

There are two issues that people seem to bring up:

 

1. My lack of initiating dates.

2. I need to talk to him and ask him.

 

I do both of these simultaneously, he's going to bolt for the mountains.

Which one should I do first? I'm thinking talk first, because if he says "Hell, no. I don't want to be committed to you, you impish woman!" then me initiating dates is moot.

 

If he bolts because of that, it means he doesn't want the relationship you want. And it's better for you to know now.

[dyhsian]

8 months is too long of time. Plus he's in his mid-50s and never been in a L-T relationship?

I know one guy like that, late 40's never married, goes around and ask girls out, had few fun dates and that's it.

I don't know if I should say you are lucky or unlucky that you guys went on for 8 months, but I would move on if I were you. He will not change the way he is for you if it's been that long period of time and you guys still haven't settle on it.

[Naomi99]

lol...

 

Anyway.. have you ever invited him to come to your home and stay overnight? If so, did he accept your invitation? If not, why haven't you invited him there?

 

He's come over probably 10 times in the past eight months. He has never spent the night. He is finicky as hell!!! Can't have this, has to have this, don't toss, turn this on.

[Naomi99]

8 months is too long of time. Plus he's in his mid-50s and never been in a L-T relationship?

I know one guy like that, late 40's never married, goes around and ask girls out, had few fun dates and that's it.

I don't know if I should say you are lucky or unlucky that you guys went on for 8 months, but I would move on if I were you. He will not change the way he is for you if it's been that long period of time and you guys still haven't settle on it.

 

This. That's why I am hesitant to talk because I'm not quite sure I'll be entirely happy with the response. If he says please keep it casual, and I really want to still see him, I just look like the biggest love fool. At least right now, I can claim ignorance.

[Moontiger]

Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

[boltnrun]

So you'd rather go on for infinity being dissatisfied and wanting more rather than simply asking him?

 

Why, for God's sake?? I'm flabbergasted tbh.

[Moontiger]

Either accept your position as casual girlfriend or put on your big girl pants, woman up, as talk to him.

[dyhsian]

This. That's why I am hesitant to talk because I'm not quite sure I'll be entirely happy with the response. If he says please keep it casual, and I really want to still see him, I just look like the biggest love fool. At least right now, I can claim ignorance.

 

Then the question you should ask is: what are you looking for in this relationship?

Do you want to stay a casual gf and be happy with him never being committed?

If you can do that, then just keep playing the ignorance.

If you want to eventually make it to work, hoping that staying around him will change his mind... 1. I don't think it's possible, 2. you need to talk to him about it.

So, ask yourself the question first, then decide what to do next.

[ThatwasThen]

He's come over probably 10 times in the past eight months. He has never spent the night. He is finicky as hell!!! Can't have this, has to have this, don't toss, turn this on.

 

Seriously? Now I know why you don't want to know what he wants. Because you sub-consciously know that you would never be happy with him in more capacity then you're already getting.

 

I think you should just keep dating and slowly wean yourself off your addiction to him. I'd start by not seeing him the next time he asks. Have something else to do.

[Naomi99]

Seriously? Now I know why you don't want to know what he wants. Because you sub-consciously know that you would never be happy with him in more capacity then you're already getting..

 

Wow you're really good, and you don't even know the whole story. My GFs say the same thing you say; that if he stepped up to the plate and committed, I wouldn't know what to do with him and he would irritate me.

 

I don't believe that's 100 percent correct though. I'm in love with him and I find his quirks and eccentricities endearing because they are part of what makes him him. I think he is smart and adorable.

[Naomi99]

So you'd rather go on for infinity being dissatisfied and wanting more rather than simply asking him?

 

Why, for God's sake?? I'm flabbergasted tbh.

 

What I really want are sure-fire signs that he wants me, then I would feel more comfortable discussing the relationship.

 

I just feel so unstable. I just saw him last night, and I haven't heard from him all day and probably won't until mid-week. On the other hand, my ex has been dating his new GF for just as long and they've already taken a trip to Hawaii and gone camping! I'm not trying to measure my success against his, but since I was with him for so long, that's more of the pace that I'm used to.

[Naomi99]

I think you should just keep dating and slowly wean yourself off your addiction to him. I'd start by not seeing him the next time he asks. Have something else to do.

 

Good advice.

[abitbroken]

I think you need to define for yourself in your mind what "more of a commtment" means to you. You can't ask for a commitment and not know what you think that is. It has to look like something. Does it mean you tell eachother that you are only dating eachother? Is it something that leads to marriage? What? Its hard to ask someone for a commitment if you don't really want one yourself.

 

You have two choices or action, you can start calling HIM and chatting and start also asking him out on dates and see what happens , and also start suggesting you meet friends for dinner - either you and he meet YOUR friends for dinner or he and you meet HIS friends for dinner to see how you guys do when you are not in the bedroom and not just one on one. Do those things for awhile and see how you guys hold up. You will also get to know him better to see what he is like more. If he runs, he is not worth it.

 

Or

 

YOu can just take the bull by the horns and tell him anything like this

"I enjoy spending time with you. And I am wondering if you are seeing anyone else? What do you think of just dating only me?" Which is actually a really late time to have this - you could have had this after just a few months.

Or "Where do you see your life going in the next few years?" and see if that includes talk of you.

 

Someone else may have better words.

 

But also I urge you to make a list of the positives and negatives of him. You add to this and figure out if the positives outweigh the negatives.

 

the negatives are

1) He is stuck in his ways

2) You really can't do sleepovers because he is too picky and finicky - either at his place or yours.

3) Infrequent communication (unless YOU do someting to change it.

4) His age. maybe not now, but it might be a factor in the next few years

5) You don't really know about his whole life, how he is around family and friends, etc.

6) he's stuffy

7) You are leery of him not having been married or engaged and you are letting that influence you - a little caution is okay - but are you too leery?

 

The positives.

1) he's stuffy

2) He treats you nicely on dates. (but lots of guys will)

3) in the sack = it sounds like that's good

4) you have nice conversations.

[abitbroken]

Wow you're really good, and you don't even know the whole story. My GFs say the same thing you say; that if he stepped up to the plate and committed, I wouldn't know what to do with him and he would irritate me.

 

I don't believe that's 100 percent correct though. I'm in love with him and I find his quirks and eccentricities endearing because they are part of what makes him him. I think he is smart and adorable.

 

But some of the quirks that make him endearing also make him annoying if you think about it.

 

You can start not being right by the phone when he calls and making other plans the night you usually go out and suggest alternate plans, etc, to mix things up. See if his interest is just as strong if you don't behave like you always have. Overall, though, I am not into playing games. If your trouble is that he is doing the chasing and you never reciprocate, for this relationship to survive, you eventually have to meet him in the middle. or at least 25% of the way. if you blow him off, and he still does the chasing = that didn't solve any problems that you two are having. You can't expect a guy to always do the asking out, to always do the calling and then say "but i want him to call EVERY day". You have to put some work into it, too. He is putting himself out there a fair amount for a woman who never or hardly ever reciprocates with initiating.

 

ANyway - bottom line - decide what type of relationship YOU really want. He may answer that he wants to or can give you that, or he doesn't want you, but he can't give you anything if you don't know what it is.

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

The bottom line here is these responses are coming from multiple people essentially rephrasing the same common theme. In turn, you keep rephrasing the same set of questions. This thread has become a rerun of the same info several times over.

 

You will have to make a decision. Even if your decision is no action. Take control of your life and not choose the latter. It won't be easy but at least you tried.

 

Living scared is not an awarding or gratifying option. It renders you a 'victim' to the whims of others. Do you want your life dictated by others.

 

Make a decision.