8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[missmarple]

Hi everyone. Here is the exact text:

 

"I've decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. I'm dating and don't have much time to spend with you. Please…no need to stay in contact. Take Care."

 

I think that's fine. I don't think he'll contact you again after this but that will be for the best.

You need to put him behind you.

[boltnrun]

I do believe you hope he contacts you.

 

Lots of people on ENA think "If he doesn't contact me, does that mean I didn't mean ANYTHING to him? Doesn't he regret losing me? Shouldn't he be trying to hold onto me? If he doesn't, does that mean there's something wrong with me?"

 

Maybe, just maybe...he's trying to respect your decision. Wouldn't that be nice?

 

I still believe he'll contact you with the "hang out as 'friends'" suggestion. Of course, hoping you'll bring the POAS. I encourage you to stay strong, even though it will be difficult since you'll be lonely and you'll "miss" him. Going back for more could just get you right back into this thing...just like last time you tried to end it.

 

Out of curiosity, since you did this before...how long was it before he contacted you again?

[Naomi99]

I think the OP is actually stronger than some posters think. Sure she's going to feel bad about it and cry but that is TOTALLY NORMAL. It would be weird if she didn't find it emotionally hard or feel like crap. Just because she's finding it hard, which it is, doesn't mean she's acting under pressure.

 

Thanks for this, because I don't feel strong at all. Since Wed, he'd been texting me multiple times every day to see me and I felt so bad always saying "I'm busy…I can't." He just wouldn't leave me be. My choices were either I finally give in and see him again or just end it with East4's text.

 

It seems to me like what she really needs help with is more practical things like communication and assertiveness.

 

This should be the next plan on the agenda, to find skills of how to be more effective in asking for what I want.

 

Doctor is the longest relationship (9 months) after my 12-year relationship. I need to explore why I was so guarded with him, if I'm truly emotionally unavailable or afraid of being hurt again. In nine months, I think I only planned two or three dates. I actually can't even remember one, to tell you honestly. I regret not being more active with him, but it probably didn't make any difference to him. He knew he was going to keep it casual.

 

 

And that's where we're supporting her. Everyone can only give the advice they see fit. If several people give the same advice, sure it can look like pressure but I don't think ANYONE here wants to pressurise her.

Most of us know how hard it is to take these first steps (especially since it seems the OP is a bit alien to the kind of attitude we're encouraging her to adopt) and we're merely offering our support and encouragement. I don't think anyone is cheerleading or looking for some form of romance-novel type entertainment - most people are showing genuine concern and to be honest I would have found this kind of support extremely helpful when I was going through something similar in the past.

 

And of course she doesn't have to answer to strangers on the internet, I think she's smart enough to realise that...

 

This is such a kind post. Thank you.

[wilyone 11]

NO WAY! I am not blocking him. I want to know if he texts me the moment he sends it.

 

 

Then don't block him. It's a tool that may be beneficial to you in the future. I never imagined that I would block my FWB, but I blocked him 4 months ago and it's been very helpful for me.

 

Without it, I was getting pulled back in. Even if I didn't see him, I was keeping the connection going. He would say things to try to give me hope that he was changing. I would think of him and become hopeful that he would change. It really kept me stuck and prevented me from moving forward. If he truly has something important to say, he can track me down at work, or use an unblocked phone number or email address.

 

The doctor is somewhat in shock. He is thinking of how to respond. It won't be "You take care too." He wants what he had. My hunch is that he will suggest getting together to talk it through, and make you feel guilty for breaking up over text.

[wilyone 11]

In nine months, I think I only planned two or three dates. I actually can't even remember one, to tell you honestly. I regret not being more active with him, but it probably didn't make any difference to him. He knew he was going to keep it casual.

 

.

 

I think you held back because you didn't feel safe with him, and rightly so! You trusted your gut. Plus he doesn't like women who chase. Asking him out a few times would not have made a lick of difference here.

 

I agree you need to learn how to find your voice, and set boundaries early, so you don't get so attached to someone who cannot meet your needs.

[East4]

Thank you…and thank you for your text suggestion. It was brilliant and classy.

 

 

1. He suggested the advice, and I am merely taking his suggestion, so he has no one to blame but himself.

2. I have options.

3. My time is precious.

4. I'm not going to play the "friend" game.

5. I want the best for him.

 

And it was done in less than 30 words. I'm a fan of brevity. (you wouldn't be able to tell by the length of this ongoing thread though, would you?)

 

 

 

I should have attributed it to you, East4, with an asterisk and footnote.

 

You are welcome Naomi. I had enough occassions to perfect my "breaking up" lexicon, glad that my experience served somebody else 😁

Your version is classier than mine, because i chose the word "waste my time" on purpose to make the message sound condescending, a little twist of the dagger upon stabbing. But you chose to remain benevolent and replace "waste" by the neutral "spend time". Impeccable. I learned something from you. Cheers, Lady.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi everyone. Here is the exact text:

 

"I've decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. I'm dating and don't have much time to spend with you. Please…no need to stay in contact. Take Care."

 

 

He hasn't responded. Not that this elicits a response, but I thought he'd say "You take care too."

 

 

His silence probably means he's angry, isn't he?

 

I know I shouldn't care but I can't help but think it. Just feel overwhelmed right now.

 

I would steer clear of wanting a specific response. As you know, people don't always react the way you want so silence may be best.

[Naomi99]

I do believe you hope he contacts you.

 

Of course, I want him to contact me. I like him. And it would validate that he doesn't hate me. But I'm not expecting him to.

 

Lots of people on ENA think "If he doesn't contact me, does that mean I didn't mean ANYTHING to him? Doesn't he regret losing me? Shouldn't he be trying to hold onto me? If he doesn't, does that mean there's something wrong with me?"

 

Maybe, just maybe...he's trying to respect your decision. Wouldn't that be nice?

Yes. My girlfriends (who all dislike him, btw) tell me if he contacts me, that means he doesn't respect me. If he doesn't, it means he cares. Jeeeeze..what kind of world so we live in where everything is backwards??

 

I still believe he'll contact you with the "hang out as 'friends'" suggestion. Of course, hoping you'll bring the POAS. I encourage you to stay strong, even though it will be difficult since you'll be lonely and you'll "miss" him. Going back for more could just get you right back into this thing...just like last time you tried to end it.

 

Out of curiosity, since you did this before...how long was it before he contacted you again?

 

Within hours. Maybe six hours.

 

I broke up with him early on Valentine's Day, in person, at 4 a.m.

I said "this is unsustainable and not in alignment with what i want."

He said Can we talk about this in the morning?

I said "I'm not spending the night. It's over." (I think that was one of the few times I was "invited" to stay the night)

He said he just wants me to be happy. He hasn't met someone as cool as me in a long time, can we stay friends?

I said, of course.

I left at 4 a.m. and drove home crying.

 

At 11 a.m. same morning, he texted Happy Valentine's Day.

 

Then two days later, he asked me if I could come over, as a friend, and watch a movie with him. He misses me and wants to cuddle and watch movies, but will be respectful and keep it platonic.

[boltnrun]

So if he just wanted to cuddle platonically...how did you end up right back where you started?

 

I think I know the answer to that question already...hormones took over, you wanted him, he wanted you, and next thing you knew, you were seeing him again.

 

That's why I think it's good he hasn't contacted you.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm much more concerned how he is feeling more than anything. Shocked? Angry? Indifferent? Hurt? I don't want him to hate me, esp. I did it over text and he's not a huge texter.

My guess is that he's done this enough to know that its always the woman's choice and is thinking "Oh well, she was a pleasure while it lasted." He may try to hoover you back again after a while (as players often do) when he thinks you're vulnerable and in longing.

[Naomi99]

So if he just wanted to cuddle platonically...how did you end up right back where you started?

 

There is much more to the story than I'm letting on.

He was scheduled for surgery a few weeks after Valentine's Day. If he died on OR table, I would never ever forgive myself.

So I agreed to see him, we ended up in bed. He had surgery in the next couple of days, did not die, and we ended up back where we started.

 

I should add during his rehabilitation, that's why I was bringing food and hanging out, boosting his morale and mental support during recovery time.

 

Also, he is scheduled for second surgery late summer and I do not want to go through this again; investing my emotions in his physical ailments when he doesn't give a crap about me.

[East4]

Oh, the old Casanova! He has perfected the art of seduction. Watch it Naomi, you have serious rival against you. Especially because part of you roots for him. He will contact you...after a few days, up to a week. All meek and regretfull. On the surface, he will respect your decision to break it off, he would just invite you to a dinner for the sake of good old times, so that the break up won't be done over text. The gentle soul you are, you will agree. You will go meet him, he will put his best act on...and the dinner will end with more POAS. I bet 100$ on this scenario.

 

He's not contacting you now, because he got hit from blind side. He knows Naomi, the young infatuated woman, who may turn fiesty sometimes when his selfishness becomes too obvious, but he knows how to handle you. Now all of a sudden you showed a solid backbone...and class. This is something new and he doesnt know what's happening. He will lay low for a while to regroup forces and will strike back, all smiles and friendlines. I hope you would be wise enough to see through his scheming.

[journeynow]

"I've decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. I'm dating and don't have much time to spend with you. Please…no need to stay in contact. Take Care."

 

Oh, wow, really well done, graceful and clear.

[East4]

It seems he recovered very quickly after surgery and was able to bang you very soon after. Most probably he was operated from a wart on his nose that he presented like some sort of rare cancer. Naomi, Naomi, a seriously ill man would not think of sex if he was so seriously ill. So, you take care of him after surgery, you cooked him meals and after all that he said what? "Go find a BF if you want serious, to me you are just POAS." After all you have done for him...Naomi, please get angry, because if you don't, I willl...on your behalf.

[Naomi99]

Sweet baby jesus. This sounds like a movie trailer for the sequel of a romance turned mystery/thriller movie.

 

If and when this happens, shall I start a new thread or add to this existing one?

[Naomi99]

It seems he recovered very quickly after surgery and was able to bang you very soon after. Most probably he was operated from a wart on his nose that he presented like some sort of rare cancer. .

 

OMG I am laughing soooooo hard right now!! Thank you thank you! This is the first time I've laughed all day!~

[tiredofvampires]

I'm guessing it's heart surgery.

[Naomi99]

I'm guessing it's heart surgery.

 

On what heart? He's only got one main artery that he feels with. The one between his legs.

[tiredofvampires]

Thought so.

[East4]

Sweet baby jesus. This sounds like a movie trailer for the sequel of a romance turned mystery/thriller movie.

 

If and when this happens, shall I start a new thread or add to this existing one?

 

It is Naomi, your story is a thriller. When Doc SOS contacts you, the chain of events will unfold so quickly, that you won't have the time to open a new thread. Please, before you rush to him, just drop a post here. I won't be surprised if he called you from a hospital claiming that he's dying. Naomi, you have been delicious to him. The other women before you had sex with him. You? You made love to him. This is rare and precious. This old lizzard with cold blood was happy to soak the sun beaming out of your love. He is not going to let go so easily of his favourite desert. He is old. He is wise. He is experienced. He knows that if he panics now and begs you back, you will easier discard him. He is going to ignore you for a week or so, to make you doubtful and insecure of your decision. Then he will softly worm his way back with charm and making you feel guilty for dumping him over text. Be very vigilant, Naomi. The battle is not over yet. No, it is not over.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't predict what he wants or what he will do, but I do think blocking him prevents a lot of future angst.

[East4]

I can't predict what he wants or what he will do, but I do think blocking him prevents a lot of future angst.

 

True. But we all know Naomi won't do that at this point. It is too much to ask from her at this point. She already did a lot by walking away by big strides. May be later she will block him.

[boltnrun]

Naomi, with all due respect, if you're sure you're going to go back to him then what was the point of ending it?

 

Now, I may be reading your previous post incorrectly, but you did use the words "if and when"...which to me reads like you know he will contact you and you know you will go back (because he'll be on his deathbed and you just can't be "mean" to a dying man!!!).

 

My friend is acting like that with her cheating husband...she's diagnosed him with an emotional disorder and has decided she can't dump him for cheating because she can't be "mean" to a "sick man".

 

But...her cheating husband sure can be "mean" to her. And the doctor sure is able to get you to come over so he can use "little Doc" even when he's allegedly seriously ill, so...

 

I'm on your side, Naomi. NOT on his. So I hope, even though it's painful, that you can do what is best for your emotional well-being.

[Naomi99]

Naomi, with all due respect, if you're sure you're going to go back to him then what was the point of ending it?

 

I will not be going back to him. Where did I give that impression?

 

Now, I may be reading your previous post incorrectly, but you did use the words "if and when"...which to me reads like you know he will contact you and you know you will go back

 

The majority opinion is that he will contact again; therefore the words "if and when" applies to his initiating contact. "If and when" does NOT apply to if and when I go back. I might not even reply. This is all speculation on what he will do and my reaction to his action. He hasn't even made an action.

 

I will promise you 100 percent I will not initiate contact. No, not even for Latisse.

 

 

There is one highly unlikely caveat where I might consider going back, but I'm not going to post it here for fear he might be reading this public forum and use that as a tool to consume me again.

[Naomi99]

Are you a romantic novelist????

 

You paint a very vivid picture of me looking like Little Bo Peep holding a teddy bear, and he very similar to a dirty old man version of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.