browneyedgirl36 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 You've all been so amazing with your knowledge and advice. And so patient with me. I'm a wreck right now. I don't want him to think I hate him. I hate that he might think I hate him. He won't think you hate him -- not that what he thinks matters or anything! If he's got any emotional intelligence, he'll realize you're making the best choice for yourself. Honestly, I don't think he'll think you hate him. He'll be disappointed, but...he told you himself he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and that you should date others. He HAS to know that if you really want a relationship, you WILL look elsewhere. About being a wreck -- oh, my dear, I can't count how many times I was in a heap on the floor, sobbing my guts out. Until, one day, I wasn't. Haven't cried about anything significant in probably two years now; in fact, I pretty much only cry when I'm really happy now. You'll get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Never mind about him. He's used to this. If he never had a relationship that lasted longer than a year, he's been through this a zillion times. He'll be fine. He'll find his next partner in fun, until she too gets tired of him not loving her. Then he'll move on yet again. And I doubt he thinks you hate him. Again, he's used to this. If it bothered him he would have done something about it by now. Since he hasn't, it's pretty safe to assume he's ok with how these things usually end. Take care of YOU. And just as a gentle reminder, the source of the pain is not the cure for the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 What was East's Text? I can't find it. Awwwww Naomi, big hugs and kisses! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 He won't think you hate him. You have been nothing but cordial and mature. I thought it was brilliant to mention that you are following his advice. Truly, how could he expect you to do anything different and respect yourself? It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. Many people cannot do it. The next couple months will not be great. I've been through this pain many times. Total sexual chemistry etc but not getting my needs met. In my experience, you will bounce back the fastest if you keep yourself extremely busy with work or other tasks that require your attention and focus, surround yourself with people, don't allow yourself to wallow for too long, avoid thinking about him and focus on what you want for YOURSELF. Focus on the future instead of the past. Please let us know if he reaches out and you feel your resolve weakening. I went back to my FWB a few times before I finally cut things off for good. I do not recommend that path of pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Naomi, you are my personal hero, because you conduct yourself with a lot of class, despite of the hurt. You showed to yourself and to us an example of self respect and dignity. Congratulations! I watched a video on youtube about the US Marine corps during operations. You know they were covered in dust and all sort of sh*t, perhaps some of them experienced fear. They did not look clean and neat, dignified heros like during a parade in their nice uniforms. But it is exactly when they look the least like heros, when they become heros. No one has become a hero during a parade, it is only when facing the danger and overcome fear that a marine becomes a hero. In the sh*it and the dust of operations. To me you are one brave marine on the Front of Love and Relationship. Congratulations, you have just won your personal Iwo Jima. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Well done Naomi, you've done the right thing. DO NOT worry about him hating you. He is definitely not hating you. As others have said, he's been through this several times over. For all you know, he probably feels good about himself that you're taking his good advice! lol Joking aside, you're on the right path. It will be a sh*tty gig for a while - your emotions will be all over the place, you'll feel like reaching out several times etc. but if you stick to your plan you will come out so much stronger. Anything worth having in life requires discipline. Take for e.g. something far simpler like following a diet - however much you want to eat that ice-cream or chocolate, you know that your best interests are in telling yourself 'no'. Short term sacrifice for long-term gain. I would block his number at least for a while if you think it will mess with your head to hear from him. With my last guy I set up all his texts to go to a separate special folder so that I could check it when I felt strong enough to do so and they wouldn't just pop up out-of-the-blue while I was finally enjoying my life and serve to drag me back down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Of course he won't think you hate him. But I think there's a translation to that thought. It's more like this: "I hope he doesn't completely forget about the love I showed him and become indifferent towards me." I think it's more a function/projection of your feeling the pain of his indifference toward you and your own sense of loss, than his thinking you hate him. Because you know he'll probably be thinking, "Well, that girl's in love with me, so she did what she had to do." He knows you're in love with him. When you find yourself having such thoughts, go back to reminding yourself, "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME." This is your mantra. You did a brave thing and I think you also said the right thing in your text. But as far as "letting us down", this is really your path. I'm sure this thread has felt like a lot of pressure at times -- and that can be good, good pressure and cheerleading. But the only person you "owe" anything to is yourself. It's not like you have to answer to us. Personally, even after you sent that text, I'm not holding my breath. I hope you do stay strong, but this is not a Hollywood movie where everyone gets to see the ending they'd like to see because they paid a wad of cash to get a feel-good conclusion. This is a process, and you're going to go through ups and downs. I echo the poster who said that you should come here if you feel you need more support to keep up your resolve, and to vent. This is not supposed to feel good. It's SUPPOSED to feel HORRIBLE. And be prepared he might not let go that easily. He may easily try to weaken your resolve. I cringed a little reading the account of the magnificent, lyrically perfect sex followed by your crawling out of bed and having to say, "You suck." That's the girl he's gotten used to -- it's sucks for her, but hey, look at how she can't help herself because I'm her dope. So I'd be prepared for him to come around and try to sweeten the pot even. As far as I'm concerned, it's not over 'til it's over and I'm not in the mood to predict. But you took a really good first step. I know what it's like to be hitting the sexual prime at 40. And to feel that a sexual partner may be ideally sexually suited to you, with their intoxicating aura. But your sexuality is yours, it's not his. He's only bringing out what you had inside you. And when you get down really to the heart of it -- it may not even be that you're in love with him as much as you're in love with the way he was able to bring this out of you. You're infatuated with his charming qualities, and you're in love with what he helped you discover about yourself and how you can feel. The man himself -- he was more of a "midwife" than anything else. And when you pick apart his flaws and limitations, those are not the qualities of a man you really want to be in love with. So you've birthed this part of you and you can go out into the world knowing it's something you want to share with another. I wouldn't focus on dating for a while. I'd focus on fun, friendships, hobbies, work, other things than men, because it's too raw and you'll only be superimposing the doctor's naked body on every other man's face, and that's not fair to anyone. And you'll only be feeling more depressed if there's no chemistry with anyone else on dates. So I'd back away from that right now until the wound is less open, and you have some distance from this. You need time, so that you're not rebounding or setting yourself up to compare everyone to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I think the OP is actually stronger than some posters think. Sure she's going to feel bad about it and cry but that is TOTALLY NORMAL. It would be weird if she didn't find it emotionally hard or feel like crap. Just because she's finding it hard, which it is, doesn't mean she's acting under pressure. It seems to me like what she really needs help with is more practical things like communication and assertiveness. And that's where we're supporting her. Everyone can only give the advice they see fit. If several people give the same advice, sure it can look like pressure but I don't think ANYONE here wants to pressurise her. Most of us know how hard it is to take these first steps (especially since it seems the OP is a bit alien to the kind of attitude we're encouraging her to adopt) and we're merely offering our support and encouragement. I don't think anyone is cheerleading or looking for some form of romance-novel type entertainment - most people are showing genuine concern and to be honest I would have found this kind of support extremely helpful when I was going through something similar in the past. And of course she doesn't have to answer to strangers on the internet, I think she's smart enough to realise that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Your feelings, and your roller coaster of feelings, are very normal. If you have ever heard of the five stages of grief for "a lost amorous relationships" link removed Everything you have felt from denial (e.g. not able to accept his words), anger (e.g. blaming the doctor), bargaining (e.g. trying to renegotiate the situation in considering the difference between you is just semantics), and depression (e.g. sadness and crying). If anything, this should tell you how real this felt like a relationship to you. And again, that's okay. I hope that helps you understand how it's important for you to get a commitment in a future relationship where you grow attach because you eventually commit yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm not saying anyone here is insincere or trying to pressure the OP. And cheerleading is usually an awesome thing on ENA, such as this thread. I'm just thinking back to the poster someone here mentioned from a couple years back, where he kept trying to disengage from this woman who was toxic, but intoxicating to him, sexually. His thread was epic, and there was an amphitheater-full of voices here encouraging him to walk away; which he kept feeling he had accomplished, only to be drawn back in again. I didn't follow whatever happened to him after that (in fact wondered what had happened to him, as he seemed to disappear) -- and it wasn't until this thread that someone said (was it East4?) that he'd tried to come back under a different alias because he was too ashamed to reveal to everyone that he'd gone back to this woman. So I just put myself in the shoes of the OP, where 17,400+ people have tuned in (let's be frank, even though we are all well-intentioned, and this isn't a "sport", it's like the world is watching you and your moves, and human beings do judge -- no pressure? she said she's afraid of letting us down), so I just wouldn't want a similar thing to happen as with that guy, where if you slip up, you're too ashamed to come back and talk about it. I'm not implying anyone was to blame for that, but it was just unfortunate that he felt that way. Kind of understandable, when you think of looking "weak" to that many people. That's all I was getting at with that. Also, agreed that Naomi needs to develop more assertiveness. But haha that I earlier said, "When she gets to be my age..." I somehow put you at early-mid 30's, OP, not 40. So we're closer in age than I thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I vote for the veracity of this explanation. I'm 40 too and I find myself in the zenith of my sensuality. It is coming from me, and not so much related to the several sexual partners I've had this past year. Perhaps it is just you Naomi, your body and spirit is in the right place to enjoy sex. The Doc was just a coincidence, he was there the right time at the right place, so you enjoyed your blossom with him. He was just a d**k-on-a-stick (DOAS ;-)), a mirror to your mature femininity. The same like you I also thought that the sex was good due to the prowess of my long term ex-boyfriend. But when we split and I sought comfort in the arms of another, surprise, surprise, it felt even better. Go figure, but this is the truth. So, do not attach to much importance to Doc, he was a tool for you to discover parts of yourself. I would wait for a few weeks, and then plunge into further scoping of your blossoming sensuality. As for him hating you. First of all, who cares really? You are looking after yourself, for once you are putting your own well-being before his. If this rubs him the wrong way-this is his problem, not yours. You need not being a people pleaser. If it matters at all, I think Doc DOAS deep inside himself will respect you for your choice and perhaps, as ToV pointed out, he will chase, because in the eyes of men, the most attractive woman is the woman who asserts her worth and conducts herself as the prize. You've just done that. So, hold your ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 This is the first day of you having stepped down off the roller coaster. Congratulations. Has he replied to your last text, Naomi? Please be strong and stick to this new conviction of yours. Whether he goes NC or he tries to convince you to continue, (Remember, anything less then "will you marry me/be my full time girlfriend is just fluff) In the long run, you'll be glad you stayed strong and stayed gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 What was East's Text? I can't find it. Awwwww Naomi, big hugs and kisses! Here it is: How about a text like this: "I decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. Im dating and have no time to waste on you, please no need to stay in contact. Take care." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Naomi said she modified it slightly. I believe the end result was closer to "I decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. I'm dating now and I don't have much time to spend with you, please no need to stay in contact. Take care." I think it's pretty brilliant. Says it all. She's looking for something more, she doesn't want a friendship with him and respectfully requests that he not contact her, and she wishes him well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 He was just a d**k-on-a-stick (DOAS ;-)) lol -- so, a stick-on-a-stick! (SOS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Don't waste a minute thinking that he may feel you hate him. If there weren't so many posts here I would go back and repost the post coital conversation where he seemed so cavalier about not wanting a relationship and encouraged you to get on with it and find yourself a fitting boyfriend. Sure he may be disappointed he lost his arrangement but I don't think he should be at all surprised. That's the downfall of casual relationships. Relationships are moving things. .they deepen, mature and grow. Trying to keep is status quo is impossible. Most, if not all run their course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 lol -- so, a stick-on-a-stick! (SOS) Stick-on-a-stick, that's it, ahaha! SOS is a cry of the desperate, but I see no desperate girls around! BTW, ToV, the SOS alludes to POAS that was invented by Naomi, which stands for a P***y-on-a-stick. She was worried that she was just a POAS to Doc. With the same success it may turn out that Doc was just a SoS to her. Well, I see this thread is developing its own list of abbreviations. Looks serious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Oh, boy. I feel like I'm letting all of you down. Why won't he just let me go? I'm sitting here looking at his text, looking at the computer screen, reading your posts. Do I dare send that "I've decided to take your advice and start looking for a real boyfriend. No need to keep in touch. Take care." I don't know if I can do it. Just to be totally accurate, the quote in bold is the exact text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Hi everyone. Here is the exact text: "I've decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. I'm dating and don't have much time to spend with you. Please…no need to stay in contact. Take Care." He hasn't responded. Not that this elicits a response, but I thought he'd say "You take care too." His silence probably means he's angry, isn't he? I know I shouldn't care but I can't help but think it. Just feel overwhelmed right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Naomi, you are my personal hero, because you conduct yourself with a lot of class, despite of the hurt. You showed to yourself and to us an example of self respect and dignity. Congratulations! To me you are one brave marine on the Front of Love and Relationship. Congratulations, you have just won your personal Iwo Jima. Thank you…and thank you for your text suggestion. It was brilliant and classy. 1. He suggested the advice, and I am merely taking his suggestion, so he has no one to blame but himself. 2. I have options. 3. My time is precious. 4. I'm not going to play the "friend" game. 5. I want the best for him. And it was done in less than 30 words. I'm a fan of brevity. (you wouldn't be able to tell by the length of this ongoing thread though, would you?) I should have attributed it to you, East4, with an asterisk and footnote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I would block his number at least for a while if you think it will mess with your head to hear from him. NO WAY! I am not blocking him. I want to know if he texts me the moment he sends it. And I will NOT be contacting him. I can assure you I won't. If he texts me first, I might respond depending on what he says. I highly doubt he will contact me though, or he would have by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Hi everyone. Here is the exact text: "I've decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. I'm dating and don't have much time to spend with you. Please…no need to stay in contact. Take Care." He hasn't responded. Not that this elicits a response, but I thought he'd say "You take care too." His silence probably means he's angry, isn't he? I know I shouldn't care but I can't help but think it. Just feel overwhelmed right now. I don't think he'd be "angry" but rather shocked that you came to that decision without going back for more before making it. I suspect his other casual partners didn't reach a decision so quickly and as classy as you have. *two thumbs up* Adding: Don't make yourself start to look forward to his attention. That game WILL stagnate you from moving on. Surely you want to get to that blissful stage of indifference to him as soon as you can, yes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I don't think he'd be "angry" but rather shocked that you came to that decision without going back for more before making it. I suspect his other casual partners didn't reach a decision so quickly and as classy as you have. *two thumbs up* His other partners didn't have a 96-page thread going on ENA and the support of all you lovely ladies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolovehim Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 You've all been so amazing with your knowledge and advice. And so patient with me. I'm a wreck right now. I don't want him to think I hate him. I hate that he might think I hate him. He won't hate you because he never loves you. He doesn't have that feeling for you and won't get hurt by your text. It is just a bit of inconvenient for him. He won't suffer as you are facing now. Get busy with your schedule, you are brave than I thought and done better than I did. I have been watching your every step, every strugle, thank you for helping me too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Adding: Don't make yourself start to look forward to his attention. That game WILL stagnate you from moving on. Surely you want to get to that blissful stage of indifference to him as soon as you can, yes? I'm much more concerned how he is feeling more than anything. Shocked? Angry? Indifferent? Hurt? I don't want him to hate me, esp. I did it over text and he's not a huge texter. Bottom line, TiredofVampires summed it up nicely when she said "It's more like this: "I hope he doesn't completely forget about the love I showed him and become indifferent towards me." I think it's more a function/projection of your feeling the pain of his indifference toward you and your own sense of loss, than his thinking you hate him. Because you know he'll probably be thinking, "Well, that girl's in love with me, so she did what she had to do." He knows you're in love with him. I'm already expecting he's not going to contact me and is completely over it, so I'm not really looking for his chase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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