East4 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 How about a text like this: "I decided to follow your advice and find a real boyfriend. Im dating and have no time to waste on you, please no need to stay in contact. Take care." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I agree it's a good idea to take the "friends" idea off the table from jump street. Because, Naomi, you KNOW he will suggest that if you don't tell him "no" right off the bat. In fact, I'm willing to bet if you don't say "no" to the friends thing, he will immediately reply with that suggestion. And if you are feeling vulnerable (and you will, mark my words), you may go back to that suggestion and think, "Well, I'm lonely and I 'miss' him, and it sure would be nice to have some sex and some cuddling. I'm sure I can handle sleeping with him as 'friends'"...and you'd be right back at square one again, just as you were last time you tried to end it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Earlier you called him "sweetie", now he's "you punk." You say he's handsome, a gentleman, yet with the emotional intelligence of a pumpkin (or, I think that's what you said). Why is this a good thing for you? I realize that could be frustration speaking (punk, e.i. of a pumpkin, the scoffing, and such), and that eNA is (or should be) a safe place to express that. Which is fine. Say what you need to here. I remember when I went through my break up, spotted a thread for "venting to your ex". I had felt so much sadness, but had not acknowledged much anger, if at all, so I vented my frustrations and right off someone shot me down for negativity, how much better it would be to let it go. I wasn't at that point, and could not skip right to that (as much as I wished), and it hurt. So I apologize if I came accross like that. I know what it is like to be more invested than the other, and to have had hope that it would improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I understand what you are saying TOV. I hope you don't feel ganged up on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 My suggestion is try and make the decision objectively regardless of how you feel at any particular moment. Cause I'd expect that after a love affair like this, a rollercoaster of emotions for a while is almost certain. If you go by your feelings, you'll be bouncing from one decision to the next for a long time. So you if you can use your mind as the navigation system, and not your feelings, you could speed through this a lot easier. It's not my feelings that are giving me trouble. It's my body. At 40, I have never felt so sexual in my life!!! I feel like a 17 year old boy. The sex..there's never any weird noises or smells or cramps or ouches. Our bodies fit really well together; never any awkward moves or elbowing or kicking. Everything is smooth, like two professional ballroom dancers. And the kissing…I could kiss him for hours and not get tired. And I'm fully in the moment, thinking of nothing but what is happening between the two of us. His smell drives me insane. Sometimes my mind goes blank and I get so wrapped up in the moment I get dizzy and weak. That is new experience for me. His house is high up in the hills and his bedroom is huge and faces the city skyline, so as we're lying in bed, in the dark, we have a complete view of the twinkling lights of the city. It's all very romantic. Until he says "Sweetie, I'm tired and I have to be at the hospital early tomorrow," and I roll over and whisper in his ear "You suck," and gather my dainty unmentionables and go home. How I wish I was able to separate the physical act from logic and just look at him as provider of a once-a-week "yoga class" without getting attached. I'm really going to miss these trysts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 @I$(7857&$*#**^*@#490()W#(*3!!!!!!!! Not 15 seconds after I hit "Post Quick Reply" for that previous post, he texted me and wants to see me tomorrow. What timing. Gulp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Seventy some odd posts after suggesting some people may need to learn "the hard way", I'm very glad to see that the OP is starting to feel the disgust I mentioned she needed without having to be naked with him again. Good for you, Naomi, that you're finding your strength, and your spine. I hope you keep on this current streak and keep backing away. It doesn't always happen here, but if you can do that, Naomi, more power to you. Oh, boy. I feel like I'm letting all of you down. Why won't he just let me go? I'm sitting here looking at his text, looking at the computer screen, reading your posts. Do I dare send that "I've decided to take your advice and start looking for a real boyfriend. No need to keep in touch. Take care." I don't know if I can do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I realize that could be frustration speaking (punk, e.i. of a pumpkin, the scoffing, and such), and that eNA is (or should be) a safe place to express that. Which is fine. Say what you need to here. I remember when I went through my break up, spotted a thread for "venting to your ex". I had felt so much sadness, but had not acknowledged much anger, if at all, so I vented my frustrations and right off someone shot me down for negativity, how much better it would be to let it go. I wasn't at that point, and could not skip right to that (as much as I wished), and it hurt. So I apologize if I came accross like that. I know what it is like to be more invested than the other, and to have had hope that it would improve. It's okay. I understand. A lot of the times when I post things like that, I'm being silly…sometimes to diffuse the tension of the situation. Your previous post had me laughing. I forgot I said he had the e.i. of a pumpkin and called him a punk. I am the feisty one in the relationship, even though I let him walk all over me. :sulkiness: I still haven't answered his text. I want to hide under the covers and fall asleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Well, you could continue on for the next 10 years or so. In the meantime a really great guy who meets all your needs could be walking past you, but you won't see because you're too caught up in great sex and the doctor's scent. Until he asks you to leave and drive home alone, that is. For the next 10 years. (You do know that great sex does not reside solely in the doctor, don't you?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 You and my friend Carol are really going through the same thing at the same time. She finally got an answer from her guy, and he said he doesn't want a relationship with her (despite thinking that she's wonderful, fun, a good person, etc....) Carol is now trying to get him back. Honestly, it's just a waste of time. The best thing you and her can do is quickly move forward. Cry cry cry, watch sad movies, and then get yourself together and start meeting new men. Your Dr. and her guy have been clear, don't worry about the past relationship anymore, just move forward and find someone who wants to be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Well, you could continue on for the next 10 years or so. In the meantime a really great guy who meets all your needs could be walking past you, but you won't see because you're too caught up in great sex and the doctor's scent. Until he asks you to leave and drive home alone, that is. For the next 10 years. (You do know that great sex does not reside solely in the doctor, don't you?) I have a number of gfs who say there are no good men out there. I say to them that there are ... but they are the ones you don't feel a "spark" with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I have a number of gfs who say there are no good men out there. I say to them that there are ... but they are the ones you don't feel a "spark" with. What is your point? Gulp. I'm sitting here wondering fi I should send East 4's text to the doctor. I have it all typed out but I haven't hit "send." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 What is your point? Gulp. I'm sitting here wondering fi I should send East 4's text to the doctor. I have it all typed out but I haven't hit "send." I think East's text is the right thing. That being said, I think that instead if you were to see him, you'd have fun, maybe have sex, but then the day after, you're right back here. He's Dr. Unavailable and he's not looking for a deeper connection. You have to look at your long term goals vs. your short term goals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Naomi, it isn't going to be easy. Oftentimes, things that are worthwhile are difficult. I'd say your emotional well-being is worthwhile, no? You will have regret. I assure you that you will. You'll get lonely and horny. You'll "miss" him. I don't believe anyone who went through a breakup found it to be easy. But...what is best FOR YOU? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I have a number of gfs who say there are no good men out there. I say to them that there are ... but they are the ones you don't feel a "spark" with. Yep -- this is truth. Naomi, don't be concerned about letting US down if you see this guy again; be concerned about letting YOURSELF down. Bottom line: While you may not want marriage and kids, necessarily, I think it's clear from your posts that what you DO want is LOVE. And, I think that, if you stick with the doctor, you're going to deprive yourself of that. I didn't want kids, and I wasn't necessarily interested in marriage, either (though now that I'm with the person I'm currently seeing, I can actually say I have at least given it some thought), but what I wanted from my ex was a monogamous, committed, reciprocal relationship -- and I wanted him to love me as I loved him. It was never gonna happen, for whatever reasons; he just wasn't "in love" with me, despite telling me on several occasions that he loved me. That, and the physical connection and attraction, had me hooked for the longest time. I felt weak; I KNEW that I wanted more for myself, but I kept settling for less and less. The longer I settled, the sadder I got, and who knows how many great opportunities passed me by while I was hung up on someone who was never going to be with me? No one can tell you what to do, but I urge you to VERY honest with yourself about what you're getting out of this whole thing, as well as what you hope for with this guy and what the chances are that you'll actually get that. You would never have asked him in the first place where your relationship stood if you didn't really feel something for this guy and want something more than casual. He's made it clear that his wants are NOT in line with yours, regardless of how much he might like you and enjoy your company. As I've said before on this site, four years ago, I was where you are, and there is NO way four years ago that I would have been ready for the guy I am dating now. I wasn't ready until I let my non-committal, wishy-washy, "love-you-but-not-in-love-with-you" guy go, for good. It was especially hard, because I work with the guy! For a long time, I was OBSESSED with him. Now, he barely crosses my mind. My signature line very accurately sums up what I'm trying to say: "You cannot be directed to decide against yourself without first being deceived into thinking that what hurts you can also help you." I had been deciding against myself for a long time, all because of what I *thought* I wanted. Sometimes, though, what we WANT and what's GOOD for us are two very, very different things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 What is your point? Gulp. I'm sitting here wondering fi I should send East 4's text to the doctor. I have it all typed out but I haven't hit "send." The "right" guy is out there. Sometimes, we just have to be open to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I sent East4's text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Wow...I understand this was extremely difficult for you. Just realize you can vent to us anytime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm crying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's ok. Crying is allowed. Don't think you have to "be strong". Of course this hurts, but just remember you are looking out for YOU. He was never going to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I sent her text word for word, except I didn't say waste my time on you. I said I'm dating now and I don't have much time to spend with you. I guess they can close this thread now. I'm going to wake up tomorrow looking like I had an allergy attack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 what now? xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 what now? xxxx You'll be OK. I promise. It will suck for awhile. Maybe even a LONG while. But, I promise you, one day --maybe not too long from now -- you will look back and realize that you made a good decision for yourself. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but...the hardest decisions are nearly always the best ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's ok. Crying is allowed. Don't think you have to "be strong". Of course this hurts, but just remember you are looking out for YOU. He was never going to. Exactly -- cry ALL you want. In fact, I'd be worried about you if you didn't. And boltnrun is exactly right: YOU have to look out for YOU in this situation. If you don't, no one else is going to. He's not. He's looking out for HIMSELF and what he wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 You've all been so amazing with your knowledge and advice. And so patient with me. I'm a wreck right now. I don't want him to think I hate him. I hate that he might think I hate him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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