Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 'It's over, don't text me again' would be better, in my opinion Wow. Really? Actually not a bad idea. I want to get it down to as few words as possible. My GF told me I should tell him the reason why: he's selfish. I told her what's the point? He's never going to change. She said to do it for myself, not him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Well, he isn't in love with you, so, why say sorry? It's not like you're breaking his heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 To TOV's post, I disagree that Naomi is at the place you think she is. She wouldn't be posting here if she was. She would've come here maybe 6-12 months further down the line after indulging in some of the self destructive behaviours you say she is on the brink of. Naomi- your text is a bit too dramatic in my opinion and it does seem like you're inviting some drama here even though you say you hate drama. Just say it clearly and openly like it is without leaving room for guessing, games, etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Well, he isn't in love with you, so, why say sorry? It's not like you're breaking his heart. That is true. I'm sitting here trying to anticipate every possible response he might have, so maybe "don't text me again" will solve that problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 To TOV's post, I disagree that Naomi is at the place you think she is. She wouldn't be posting here if she was. She would've come here maybe 6-12 months further down the line after indulging in some of the self destructive behaviours you say she is on the brink of. Naomi- your text is a bit too dramatic in my opinion and it does seem like you're inviting some drama here even though you say you hate drama. Just say it clearly and openly like it is without leaving room for guessing, games, etc What is drama about "It's over. I'm sorry" or "It's over. Don't text me again"? He knows exactly why. We had that talk. Frankly, I don't really care if HE finds it dramatic. I don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't find it dramatic, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 What is drama about "It's over. I'm sorry" or "It's over. Don't text me again"? Personally, I wouldn't end an 8 month relationship with an 'it's over' text. Also, you have nothing to be sorry about. Further, 'don't text me again' has an angry tone to it-not necessary. In my opinion texts of the kinds above are inviting a barrage of questions from him- 'what do you mean? You never want to see me again? ", "can we just be friends?", "can we talk about this over coffee at my place?". I may be wrong but I'm assuming you want to avoid all that. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Point ... what would Naomi's motivation be to change things if there isn't a sense of urgency? It could be that is at least louder than the fear of being alone. There isn't an urgency, but there is no stability in this relationship and that's my motivation. He doesn't have my back. When he does have my back, it's at the bare minimum because I'm not a priority. I don't know if that's because he's keeping me at a distance or that's the way he is with everybody, but the reason doesn't matter anymore. I'm done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Personally, I wouldn't end an 8 month relationship with an 'it's over' text. Also, you have nothing to be sorry about. Further, 'don't text me again' has an angry tone to it-not necessary. In my opinion texts of the kinds above are inviting a barrage of questions from him- 'what do you mean? You never want to see me again? ", "can we just be friends?", "can we talk about this over coffee at my place?". I may be wrong but I'm assuming you want to avoid all that. Just my 2 cents. I'm tired of worrying about his feelings. I don't care if he has questions. He's a big boy with tons of experience behind him and he knows why. He treats me so poorly, it's embarrassing. In fact, I HOPE TO GOD he asks, "Can we be friends?" because then I get to answer, "I would except I don't have a-holes for friends." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm tired of worrying about his feelings. I don't care if he has questions. He's a big boy with tons of experience behind him and he knows why. He treats me so poorly, it's embarrassing. In fact, I HOPE TO GOD he asks, "Can we be friends?" because then I get to answer, "I would except I don't have a-holes for friends." Well then you should just say what you want to because maybe that's also what he needs to hear. I'd just advise against doing it when you're feeling very angry/emotional. Also I always try to imagine how I would think of this 2 years down the line and how would I have liked myself to have acted. At the same time you shouldn't hold back if you really need to express something. No regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'd just advise against doing it when you're feeling very angry/emotional. Thank you…I agree. I'm going to bed right now, and I'm going to sleep on it. And if I feel the same when I wake up, I know what I have to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I also support the idea that one needs not going through the whole trainwreck to just learn a lesson, or bounce from the rock bottom. The course of action can change at any one point, no need to reach the bottom, because upon hitting bottom, yes one positive consequence is that the motion can be only in upward direction. But the damage at this point would be so significant, that it may take much much longer (if at all possible) to recover respect and emotional stability. At the moment, Naomi is in ideal position to exit the scene with grace and dignity. She can look back in two years and pat her on the shoulder that as soon as a selfish man made his selfish intentions clear, she had the dignity and strength to stand up for herself. This is what truly loving oneself is- to stand up for oneself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 That is true. I'm sitting here trying to anticipate every possible response he might have, so maybe "don't text me again" will solve that problem. How about saying: "I've come to realise that what you can offer me isn't enough. Please don't contact me again. Friends is not an option." That closes a door and let's him know you don't want him in your life in the demoted state of just friend. If he contacts you after that, ignore him. If you can't ignore him then block and delete him if that's what you need to do to stay clean and sober. You are taking back your personal power. You will find comfort in that as you go through the healing process sans hitting any more "walls." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Here you go- found this while trying to cope with my own feelings about a past relationship, may help you too: link removed And before I get beaten up for painting you as a victim or demonising your doctor, feel free to replace the words 'mr unavailable' and 'assclown' in the article with 'wonderful guy seeking FWB'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 How about saying: "I've come to realise that what you can offer me isn't enough. Please don't contact me again. Friends is not an option." I scoff at that first sentence. That's giving him too much credit and it assumes he's offered me something when he hasn't. Anyway he's not entitled to know why. He never gave me a reason he doesn't want to be serious, so why the hell should I give him a reason why it's over? In fact, instead of explaing why he can't, he told me to find another BF! I should say the exact same thing: You should find another drama-free POAS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Here you go- found this while trying to cope with my own feelings about a past relationship, may help you too: link removed And before I get beaten up for painting you as a victim or demonising your doctor, feel free to replace the words 'mr unavailable' and 'assclown' in the article with 'wonderful guy seeking FWB'. I bought that lady's ebook. I read that article and I don't feel rejected by him at all... because I was never accepted from the start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebell29 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I bought that lady's ebook. I read that article and I don't feel rejected by him at all... because I was never accepted from the start. I think Part 2 of that article is really really good. Not rejected by him as such but just that he doesn't want what you want. But it's great if you are not questioning 'why'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 And if I feel the same when I wake up, I know what I have to do. My suggestion is try and make the decision objectively regardless of how you feel at any particular moment. Cause I'd expect that after a love affair like this, a rollercoaster of emotions for a while is almost certain. If you go by your feelings, you'll be bouncing from one decision to the next for a long time. So you if you can use your mind as the navigation system, and not your feelings, you could speed through this a lot easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I scoff at that first sentence. That's giving him too much credit and it assumes he's offered me something when he hasn't. Anyway he's not entitled to know why. He never gave me a reason he doesn't want to be serious, so why the hell should I give him a reason why it's over? In fact, instead of explaing why he can't, he told me to find another BF! I should say the exact same thing: You should find another drama-free POAS. Giving The "reason" why is for YOUR benefit and your closure. It's certainly not for him. You give him a reason its over because that is you giving yourself closure. You get closure from within, not like so many people think erroneously that it has to come from the other person. I agree with Grand... you would do well to start thinking with your head and with logic rather through your emotions and feelings of anger (or whatever you call this resentment you are clearly showing us that you are holding onto.) I'm sorry if I'm being brutal with you but you are in a bit of denial about things when you say you don't feel rejected when what you are saying is clearly the words of someone who is feeling rejected. I think all of us feel rejected when we have allowed ourselves to become vulnerable to someone who hasn't allowed themselves to become vulnerable to us back. Don't be afraid to give yourself closure. Doing so will help you to get over things that much quicker. Honest! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I scoff at that first sentence. That's giving him too much credit and it assumes he's offered me something when he hasn't. Take a deep breath. He offered you great sex, George Clooney eyes, a focus. He just isn't offering more and you want more. No need to be bitter, take a deep breath, go silent or tell him you don't see this going anywhere and are moving on, then go silent. Feeling anger is part of breaking up, but you don't need to be dramatic in your response to him. Make yourself a list of things you can do when feeling angry, activities to help process the anger (running, spring cleaning, breaking rocks…) and start the work to move on. Also, important, is to make a list of what you want in a relationship, based on what you valued with him and how you were disappointed by him. Those are key †o what you value and probably will continue to value into the next relationship. (Consider your last break up, too, when making this list.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I have not said anything to disagree with any of that, and in fact, everything to agree with it. True. "One needs not go through the whole trainwreck." In the abstract, no, you're right -- "one need not". In individual cases, sometimes, yes, depending on the individual. I was addressing an individual and her orientation at a given point in time. I do not wish to focus on my posts. Rather, it's about the OP and how she can extricate herself here best, and move on. But I do not wish to keep being misrepresented and misunderstood, for the record, particularly when it involves the notion that I'd advise a poster to willfully harm themselves. I have in every post qualified my thoughts, which were of an exploratory nature rather than an injunctive nature, but it seems the misunderstanding persists with some here, and so hopefully this clarification will finally "stick". My first post on this thread was 687 posts in: And ever since then, I've been saying that the very best course of action would be to walk away from this, alongside my other comments. I said that change here is inevitable at any given point, and that that trajectory is different for different people. But that I had faith in Naomi to go through HER process of change to reach a point where she'd be fed up with him/this -- however that unfolded. Because I could see the gears turning in her head. Almost 150 posts after my one above, OP was expressing the idea that she didn't feel she was strong enough to go through with breaking this off, however people were advising her, and that she felt she had an addiction. There was insufficient will at that point to see herself feeling what she feels right now. And at that point, I said that sometimes someone has to go through a learning process where each time you make a mistake you know is probably a mistake, you reach a point of recognition that you wouldn't have come to otherwise. I also said that sleeping with the doctor again, she may quickly realize that it didn't feel the same anymore, after they had that talk, and the spell of it would be broken. So learning experientially like that CAN be one way to the top of the mountain of enlightenment. I never said it had to be, or even that it should be, and I never told her this would be the only way she could reach the level of disgust I think she needed to have. It was one way, and given her disposition at the time to it, it seemed likely that she'd learned enough and changed in enough ways that that could be in her cards. Seventy some odd posts after suggesting some people may need to learn "the hard way", I'm very glad to see that the OP is starting to feel the disgust I mentioned she needed without having to be naked with him again. Good for you, Naomi, that you're finding your strength, and your spine. I hope you keep on this current streak and keep backing away. I think the magic of ENA is that after nearly 900 posts, a poster has been able to rehearse enough thoughts and feelings and scenarios of various kinds, they are able to find their "center" before more heartache occurs. It's possible to digest a course of action by processing it enough (and entertaining enough ideas of different kinds) that one evolves a lot this way. It doesn't always happen here, but if you can do that, Naomi, more power to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Just also to add, on a personal note -- Sometimes I've been able to walk away from hot stoves without continuing to touch them. And sometimes, I haven't been. Sometimes I've been strong enough to resist something by sheer force of conviction and will, and sometimes I have faltered in my strength to do something I knew in my heart was disempowering. But in ALL cases, I came out stronger. And clearer about who I am and what I needed for the future. Was it painful? Yes. Scarring? Sometimes. But irreparably damaging? I'd say that the human spirit is far more durable than that. I have a lot of faith in people to learn from mistakes and to heal. Especially when you're a self-aware, emotionally intelligent individual. (And a relatively young one, at that). Suffering ----> wisdom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I just hope that Naomi has learned enough about herself and works on her personal boundaries so that she goes on dating with the knowledge of what it is she wants as an end dating goal and that she won't let a guy cross those personal boundaries. This was said on page one by most of us: When you know what you want, that is when you will get your wants met. Its when you know what you actually want, when you have an end dating goal, It's then that you'll quickly be able to walk away from what you don't want before emotions get involved, it becomes an "addiction" of sorts and you'll not go back. It's easy to walk away when you can identify early that what is going on is not what you want. It's a matter of being "disappointed" rather then "in unreciprocated love" and shredded. Naomi: I hope through your thread and some garnered insight into You that You'll be able to say to yourselff: "been there, done that, recognized the signs. Bubbye." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I personally don't like texting as a means of communication. Too much room for miscommunication here. I also think the biggest reason I wouldn't want you to send an angry message is that you will regret it and want to reach out to make amends. I have personally regretted a mad message in the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm so glad that you've reached this point of being done. Bravo. Best to leave in grace rather than anger. Situations that you leave in anger will be there for you to resolve with grace in the future. If not with the same person than you'll create another similar situation to allow you to leave with grace. Please don't intentionally try to hurt him even though you are feeling hurt. He didn't twist your arm to get here. Also, it is likely his fears that are keeping him from taking this to a higher level, not his lack of feelings for you. The comment about not having A$$holes as friends is best left unspoken. But feel free to say the angry stuff to us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.