boltnrun Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Well, you could just stay in limbo for the next 20 years. Everything will stay just as it is now. Just so you won't have to ask him, of course, because you're afraid. Does that appeal to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Well, you could just stay in limbo for the next 20 years. Everything will stay just as it is now. He will be 76 and possibly be dead by then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Hmmm, my uncle is 92. I wouldn't count on that. And that wasn't my point anyway. My point is, you can stay in limbo for a very long time just because you're afraid to ask him for whatever it is you want from the relationship. I wondered if you're OK with everything staying exactly as it is right now, for the next however many years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Hmmm, my uncle is 92. I wouldn't count on that. What's your uncle's number? Just kidding. And that wasn't my point anyway. My point is, you can stay in limbo for a very long time just because you're afraid to ask him for whatever it is you want from the relationship. I wondered if you're OK with everything staying exactly as it is right now, for the next however many years. You are right and I understand about staying stagnant, and frankly I am surprised it's continued on this long. However, timing is everything. I wanted to be committed with him five months ago but looking back, we barely knew anything about each other, and it would have been premature. He doesn't know I love him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He doesn't know I love him. Oh I wouldn't count on that. Just because you haven't said it, it doesn't mean it's not picked up on... specially to someone who as been a player all of his life. Hmmm, my uncle is 92. I wouldn't count on that. Yea... I accidentally caught my in-laws going at it when they were 84 and 82. So they were far from dead intimately, anyway. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 It's not that I don't care for his friends, but i have read their posts, and they're quite stuffy, to say the least. He is stuffy as well, and that's what I like about him! He's quirky without knowing he's funny and I find him endearing and I love our conversations. He's smart and successful and it makes me happy that he enjoys my company and affections. And you are absolutely right!!!! If I knew him more intimately than just a few hours a week here and there, I probably wouldn't find him all that fascinating. Anyone can put their best foot forward for a half a day once a week. If you don't like stuffy people - but like him - you know that eventually you will resent him for it. A lot of people come on here and tell us about how husband's mom insists on doing his laundry, a live in girlfriend yells and goes on tirades every day or whatever and the first question I asked is - were they like this when you first met or at any time prior and almost without exception, unless there was some huge thing - like some tragedy happened - 99% of the time the person admits that their significant other was exactly like what they are complaining about from day one, but now they are annoyed by it - they expected the person to change, that it "wasn't so bad" or they had love goggles on and didn't care ---- or the biggest one that I was guilty of - "he can't help what his family is like," "i really have no say in that because i am just the girlfriend", etc. So if you really don't want a say - things will just paddle along like so. As far as not wanting to invest yourself in someone who can't invest - you have to put yourself out there somewhat. Sometimes we have to risk letting someone know we want to see them more.EEven though we were crazy about eachother, I was a weekend girlfriend to my boyfriend. When i brought it up how we could see eachother if he wished to see me more, as I did him, we did! We were on opposite schedules in the beginning and he was used to just coming home from work, going to bed, but when I spoke up - he didn't realize i was open to just a quick lunch during the week or breakfast or an outing on my day off in the morning when he worked afternoons. Also, I think what you need to do instead of just guessing ASK HIM If he has something to invest - ask where does he see himself in a few years - is he looking for more than a once a week date - or is he content to sort of play the field? Ask him what he wants and he will either tell you "why rush things" "i like what we have" or he will say he really wants t find a wife or he didn't realize that you wanted more from him. It doesn't matter about being "capable" its about what he WANTS. Men can hop to it pretty fast when they meet the right woman - AND they are at the point in life where they want more themselves. All this speculation gets you know where. You guys are both comfortable and fine with this arrangement. I suggest you decide what you want before asking for any commitment because you will be sorry you did when you think about him looking like a russian diplomat in a few years and wanting a younger man or if commitment means you see him once a week - just the change is you are not dating anyone. So decide what you want and decide if you want him just because he is the lesser evil of those you are dating or you really want this guy. I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 However, timing is everything. I wanted to be committed with him five months ago but looking back, we barely knew anything about each other, and it would have been premature. He doesn't know I love him. I knew enough about my boyfriend that I knew I wanted to only date him very quickly - like by the end of the first or second date. He made quite the impression on me/we clicked. He decided not to go on dates with anyone else after our first date, too, to see where things went. Ibviously, we didn't know enough to know we wanted to marry, be in for the long haul or anything like that but we both captured eachother's interest enough to want to just date eachother to get to know eachother. Very soon - within the first two or three months we both definitely were on the same page that we were in a relationship. We both knew what kind of relationship we were looking for and it just ended up turning out we both met someone (eachother) that was a good fit. Its okay to just date, but when you are not 20 anymore, I feel that unless you are just out to have a good time, I don't waste my time dating on and on with someone who isn't a good fit and doesn't agree that they are equally interested in me to not see anyone else. I will say with my ex, we dated a long time and there were things that grew on me about him - it wasn't someone I was really attracted to or thought he was the one at all - but due to the length of dating I think we got used to eachother and sort of looked over some of the negatves, perhaps. Just be sure you are not doing that with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I am scared to invest myself in someone who shows a history of being unable to invest in anyone else. Clicked thank by accident...I wish ENA puts in an undo feature for "thank"s! Anyway, you're scared to invest yourself in someone like him? Then don't. You are already invested whether you want to admit it or not, however guarded you are. Otherwise you wouldn't be here wondering how to get him to commit or if he ever will. Why are you scared to ask the question directly and walk away if he doesn't want the same thing as you? There are plenty of perfectly good guys out there that want the same thing as you, and you are still young, why are you settling for someone so much older than you who doesn't commit seriously to you? You're trying to make him into something his not - someone who will commit - even though you know deep down that's not who he is. As someone pointed out, you can't be open to meet the right person when you're emotionally invested in someone else. Just ask the question and be prepared to walk away if he said anything less than "I want a serious relationship with you right now" and then follow through by committing more time, bringing your to meet his friends and family, include you in his life etc, the whole thing. Anything less is not what you said you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 By the way I dated a guy casually for 5 months (similar age as me), we met once or twice a week. I asked the question after about 2 months and he told me he wasn't looking for anything serious. I accepted that and decided that casual dating was acceptable to me at the time. It was not always about sex, we go out and do stuff. He was always nice and respectful. But that absolutely does not mean he wanted a serious relationship with me, which he did not. So stop justifying to yourself that his behaviour is acceptable to you when you know you want and deserve more than that. Just ask the question and you'll get your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Clicked thank by accident...I wish ENA puts in an undo feature for "thank"s! Eh... doesn't change my life any if you like it or not. You're trying to make him into something his not - someone who will commit - even though you know deep down that's not who he is. I'm not trying to make him into anything!! If I was, I'd be chasing him down and demanding more a long time ago. THe fact that I've been dating him for 8 months causally without asking for one single thing is testament to that. I like him just the way he is. He's old and finicky and quirky and I understand his mannerisms. I like the choices he's made financially and how he's polite and genteel with me. All of that said, I am terrified of his history and NEITHER I am trying to change that. I've accepted who he is, but... I am trying to find the most effective way of approaching something more meaningful with him without being demanding or creating unnecessary drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Really appreciate this post. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 It's not that I don't care for his friends, but i have read their posts, and they're quite stuffy, to say the least. Many of my FB friends are around his age, and their posts are not at all a true reflection of their personalities. Not in the slightest! Many of them are hilarious in real life. In fact, the funniest guy I know is one of the more serious ones on FB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I'm not trying to make him into anything!! If I was, I'd be chasing him down and demanding more a long time ago. THe fact that I've been dating him for 8 months causally without asking for one single thing is testament to that. I like him just the way he is. He's old and finicky and quirky and I understand his mannerisms. I like the choices he's made financially and how he's polite and genteel with me. All of that said, I am terrified of his history and NEITHER I am trying to change that. I've accepted who he is, but... I am trying to find the most effective way of approaching something more meaningful with him without being demanding or creating unnecessary drama. Well ask yourself why are you terrified, and why are you staying despite know that you are not getting what you want and likely not going to. It's not just his past, it's his current behaviour. Everything is showing you exactly who he is. Nothing wrong with that if you want the same level of commitment as he does (ie none). Accepting him for who he is means you accept that he is not going to commit and you're ok with keep seeing him despite so. Trying to make him into something else means you are holding on hope that he will be anything other than what he's shown himself to be right now. It does not mean demanding or "chasing him down". But you are not accepting who he is to yourself. Asking for what you want is not demanding or an "ultimatum". A "we've been going out for 8 months and I'd like to know where do you see this going, so that we're on the same page" is simple, honest and drama free. You are entitled to know where you stand in a relationship. Whatever his answer may be, you will have to decide if you're ok with accepting what he's offering. So far, seems he's perfectly happy with the level of commitment and intensity the relationship is going at otherwise he would've moved it forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 He contacts me every couple of days and he initiates the majority of the time. Why, after 8 months, and with you wanting more, why isn't it more equal, with you initiating as much as he is? If he contacts you every couple of days, maybe he's giving you the option to contact him on the off days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 He contacts YOU and HE initiates. Speaking from his side of the coin, if I'm the one doing all of the leg work I tend to believe that casual is the way to go as well. Once I feel the same effort being put in as I am putting in, I then start to head in the more serious direction. Perhaps he is waiting for that sign with you as well. You can't expect someone to take you more seriously if you aren't putting out the signals of wanting more than casual... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 He contacts YOU and HE initiates. Speaking from his side of the coin, if I'm the one doing all of the leg work I tend to believe that casual is the way to go as well. Once I feel the same effort being put in as I am putting in, I then start to head in the more serious direction. Perhaps he is waiting for that sign with you as well. You can't expect someone to take you more seriously if you aren't putting out the signals of wanting more than casual... I guess I'm hesitant to push it into 5th gear because I've never been certain how he truly feels about me. (no meeting friends, once-a-week dates…sometimes days go by with no communication.) Do you suggest I become more proactive? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 As a dude, I will conclude that you are looking for casual until you're making it clear that you want more from me. And if I am doing all of the planning and initiating and contacting... eventually I will look elsewhere if that dynamic continues. Relationships take effort on both of your parts. He needs to see effort from you just like you are seeing from him. If you're not showing that you enjoy his company and want more of it, how do you expect him to come to that conclusion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I guess I'm hesitant to push it into 5th gear because I've never been certain how he truly feels about me. (no meeting friends, once-a-week dates…sometimes days go by with no communication.) Do you suggest I become more proactive? Matching his level of contact is not pushing things into high speed, it's joining him in effort. WHY don't you call him the day after he calls you, take turns, be EQUAL in this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I'm actually in a similar situation to be honest. And although its not all me making contact and plans, its no where near where I would like it to be. But my story is a little different in that we were once dating and moving forward full speed. Then we hit some rough seas and I broke it off. Now I'm trying to mend the ship and get back on course, but its sloooooow goings. For myself, I've given it a time limit. At the end of which, I will talk to her about it full on, and see exactly what she wants how she wants to proceed. But for now, I am in the same grey area you are in. And I hate the grey area lol. So I feel for you! I would definitely start showing a little more initiative and start being proactive in the relationship. See how it goes and get back to us ok? I'm interested in knowing how it turns out=) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 If you're not showing that you enjoy his company and want more of it, how do you expect him to come to that conclusion? Oh, he knows I enjoy his company. He plans, and I usually agree and make the trip to his house the majority of the time because my schedule more flexible than his, plus the traffic conditions are in my favor. I'm assuming he enjoys my company as well or his consistent once-a-week dates would cease????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Oh, he knows I enjoy his company. He plans, and I usually agree and make the trip to his house the majority of the time because my schedule more flexible than his, plus the traffic conditions are in my favor. I'm assuming he enjoys my company as well or his consistent once-a-week dates would cease????? Its not about who makes the bigger sacrifice in traffic. Its about having an "active" role in planning and having experiences and moments together. Look at it from his angle and reverse the roles. If YOU were making all of the plans and initiating contact, and he never did but just braved the traffic to your place...would you think he was very invested in the relationship? I'll tell you one thing.... nothing puts a bigger smile on my face than when I'm at work and I get a text from the one I'm with telling me things I want to hear... Just a simple text "hey I'm thinking about you.... you sexy thing " goes a long way with me. Especially while I'm being a total dork at work lol. Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Matching his level of contact is not pushing things into high speed, it's joining him in effort. WHY don't you call him the day after he calls you, take turns, be EQUAL in this? It is strange how people peg me for being passive here. I am, to an extent, when it comes to initiating contact. But when we are together, I'm the noisy one, bringing all the laughter and fun…food, cooking…his favorite treats. Creating a picnic on his living room floor when his dining room table was being repaired. Hiding his favorite candy in his robe pocket. He's very amused and we have fun together. But that's as deep as it gets. We talk about everything under the sun; politics, fashion, TV, our work, our friends. He's older so he gives wonderful advice when I am down. We talk about everything. Everything except for our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Well, an ex of mine told me he didn't feel "that way" toward me...and that was after a YEAR AND A HALF of spending every single weekend together (I did the driving in this situation too...), traveling together, meeting his mom AND his dad, meeting his friends, he even set aside space in his room for my things. He told me "you can spend time with someone, go places together, they can cook you dinner and bring you beer, they can have sex with you, and after all that you feel pretty good...but that's not love". This was pretty enlightening for me, because I wouldn't do all that with someone unless I had feelings for them. But he said no, just because it's enjoyable and easy and convenient, that doesn't mean it's love. So if it were me I'd want some clarification. If you're concerned about "scaring him off"...that's your answer right there. That means you feel insecure about your relationship with him and you're afraid asking him where you two stand would make him stop seeing you. But I would want to know. Remember, I didn't get the answer I wanted when I asked, but at least I had the information I needed to make the decision whether or not to keep seeing him. PS: I stopped seeing him. He didn't feel the way I did, so what was the point in continuing? And I survived. I went on to date someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naomi99 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Sound like your girl is being cautious because you hurt her once before, so she's wary about proceeding. Without knowing full details, I think she is wise to take it slow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SophieGrace Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Do you suggest I become more proactive? It appears nearly everyone is suggesting that... for YOU. You want something more, and you aren't sure what he wants from the relationship in the future. The only way to know is to ask him. I know you are afraid he will say he wants to keep it casual because you are making it mean you will then have to walk away. But you don't have to walk away if you don't want to. It's simply feedback that will tell you more about him and where he is at, and you can make a decision about whether you want to continue on those terms. There's nothing wrong with asking for information OR asking for what you want sweetie. You sound like an intelligent and witty woman who has a lot to offer - asking for what you want is a self-honoring thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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