8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[ThatwasThen]

WOW. What a clever maneuver. I was kinda joking about 3, but now I see where you're coming from.

 

It's 11pm here. I supposed I could text, "Sorry for the late response. Was on a date."

If you weren't on a date then that's just a bunch of school girl games. You're a grown up woman who should have the "personal boundaries" in place to tell him that you don't want to see him right now. If he leaves you because of that then you've saved yourself a step in this process you're inching your way towards. Whether that be continuing on with him but with you taking back some of your personal power in this dynamic or you leaving the situation all together and moving onto someone who is at least a tad more compatible to you outside the bedroom.

[Hermes]

Ms. Darcy said this some days back:

 

"Naomi - we don't have enough information to say he's a commitment-phobe. There are people who are perfectly happy single and/or commitment-free.

 

It's sort of limiting and not fair as a society for us to label someone when we don't know his motivations or what he wants. It's like saying every person SHOULD want a commitment and that's not fair. It's not fair especially when you begin the interaction as casual and never ask for more.".

 

Anyhow, Dr. Who is not here on the thread or on any thread to let us know his side of the issue.

 

So, it's up to you, Naomi.

[wilyone 11]

If you want something more than the existing status quo, I think you should completely ignore him. After what he said, you would have every reason to disappear. He completely takes you for granted. In order to change, he would need a good long period of zero contact from you. I wouldn't respond unless he has something meaningful to say, not texting the same old crap.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think it's necessary to respond to him at all if you don't want to. I personally find the band aid method to be the easiest. Not in the moment, but overall.

 

You already had the 'talk' with him so he shouldn't be too surprised if you do decide you just don't want to engage with him anymore. You can block/delete him if you want. Then you don't have to see his persistent texts when he decides he wants to see you.

[ThatwasThen]

Not answering him at all is rude and Naomi certainly would be here crying that he ghosted on her if he were to do that to her. This is not like the man tricked her. She knew from the onset that this man was not going to commit to her but she decided to continue on with him. Not only that, he was honest with her when she asked him where his head was at regarding the two of them. If she doesn't want what he wants to give then why not just end it or at least tell him she's not available to see him right now. He need not know why she "isn't available."

 

By not answering him at all, she is leaving a door open to him to walk through when she is at her loneliest and her most vulnerable as she goes through her cold turkey withdrawl from him.

 

I'm usually the first to say zero contact but that is after the "thing" has been clearly ended. Just two cents from someone who doesn't agree with ghosting or game playing.

[Hermes]

Naomi said some time back:

 

"I feel safe with him, he lives in a great neighborhood with a beautiful house and is always a gentleman."

 

This (a gentleman) doesn't seem to concur with the complaints of carting groceries up the hill, bad parking habits, and so on.

[bluebell29]

Also agree she should text back as not doing so is a bit avoidant in my view. My 2 cents is that the text should be clear that she doesn't want this anymore. Anything else is leaving thr door open...

[Helpexpressme]

Yip I agree with everyone.

 

But you know what's even better. Doing it over the phone. If not in person, def over the phone. You can hide behind texts, but you can't on the phone.

[Naomi99]

Update: I responded with some niceties and said I was busy this week.

He said What about later tonight?

I said I have to prepare kitchen for the handyman.

He said I'll come over later; you can't work all night.

I said Seeing you IS work. I said don't you dare come here, it is so messy it looks like Hurricane Sandy.

He said That's okay. I want to see before and after.

I said Let me think about it. You make me nervous.

He said I thought I'd help you relax.

 

I didn't respond.

 

Did he forget all about our "talk"???? Jesus Christ! Either he doesn't give a crap about my feelings or he forgot or he is very selfish and just wants what he wants when he can get it.

[ThatwasThen]

Also agree she should text back as not doing so is a bit avoidant in my view. My 2 cents is that the text should be clear that she doesn't want this anymore. Anything else is leaving thr door open...

 

If she leaves the door open it's because she wants someone who doesn't want commitment because she herself, subconsciously is avoiding commitment or has fear of commitment or just simply is not ready, not in a place to be committed.

 

People who are ready for serious LIFEpartnership quickly rid themselves of guy (or women) who are clearly not moving a relationship forward. When we are ready to be someone's lifemate then we pick a person who is lifemate material. Not a confirmed bachelor that doesn't tick any of our boxes except sexually. (and the fact that he's safe because he won't commit).

[itsallgrand]

You make good points.

 

I wasn't advocating non response as the best method, but I don't think etiquette of how she does this matters so much as she does do it.

I don't think she owes him anything. It's a casual situation and they both know that.

That's all.

 

I do see how it could leave the door open. It wouldn't, if she was sure in her decision. But she doesn't seem sure, so I think you are right. It probably wouldn't work for her.

[ThatwasThen]

Did he forget all about our conversation???? Jesus Christ! Either he doesn't give a crap about my feelings or he forgot or he is very selfish and just wants what he wants when he can get it.

There you go with your unvoiced expectations again. YOU didn't have a conversation with him ... HE had one with you and you didn't even bother to tell him that what he wants isn't acceptable to you so you need to really start looking at yourself and stop having these indignations towards him.

 

You could be indignant and I'd agree with you if he contacted you after you told him your side of things and were clear to him that you were not going back for more uncommitted sex with him. You've yet to do that.

[Hermes]

"I thought i'd help you relax"

 

Heh, Naomi, what has he in mind. A bit of hypnotherapy and Indian head massage. Yes? L.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, so long as you don't tell him upfront you are done, or stop responding, he is going to go ahead as though all systems are a go.

[Helpexpressme]

The guy seriously is a piece of work.

 

Not only has he not bothered to ask what you've done all week/weekend, how are you, and even god for bid - talk about the weather. He get's straight to the point. How about he just ring you up for a chat? To show he cares? No, he goes straight in for the kill of "I'll come over tonight".

 

You now have your opportunity to end it, if you want too.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding to above.

 

When you didn't tell him that you wanted more, you implied to him that you were okay with going forward knowing where he stands. You can't expect him to read your mind or assume that your intentions are different then your actions (or lack of them).

[Naomi99]

I agree with this. I participated in this as much as he did and he doesn't deserve a nonresponse. I would be crying of someone did that to me. But then again, I wouldn't be screwing someone and then tell them to go find a serious boyfriend two minutes after hiding the salami.

 

Not classy.

[Hermes]

HelpExpress. Naomi mentioned she's having her kitchen remodelled, so perhaps Dr. Who is a dab hand with all the plumbing......

[Naomi99]

Adding to above.

 

When you didn't tell him that you wanted more, you implied to him that you were okay with going forward knowing where he stands. You can't expect him to read your mind or assume that your intentions are different then your actions (or lack of them).

 

I told him I would think about it. I never said I wanted more or less or was okay with status quo. I said I'll think about it, and he said he would too. That was the end of the convo.

[Naomi99]

The guy seriously is a piece of work.

 

Not only has he not bothered to ask what you've done all week/weekend, how are you, and even god for bid - talk about the weather. He get's straight to the point. How about he just ring you up for a chat? To show he cares? No, he goes straight in for the kill of "I'll come over tonight".

 

You now have your opportunity to end it, if you want too.

He did ask me how I was yesterday, but I ignored that text. Remember?

[Naomi99]

HelpExpress. Naomi mentioned she's having her kitchen remodelled, so perhaps Dr. Who is a dab hand with all the plumbing......

 

 

hahahah!!! (He's an expert at laying pipe.)

[ThatwasThen]

I told him I would think about it. I never said I wanted more or less or was okay with status quo. I said I'll think about it, and he said he would too. That was the end of the convo.

And your point is?

 

My point is that you didn't tell him "no, this isn't good enough for me" so he's going to keep calling you to see if you're going to go ahead in the same dynamic you did before HE talked to you and told you where he was at. Main point was that you can't get indignant that he is calling and asking to hook up when that is what you've always done and you've yet to say you won't be doing it again.

 

When you have unvoiced expectations and those things you expect don't come your way, you're going to cause YOURSELF to feel some how slighted by him when in reality ... you've just disappointed yourself. He's just done what he's always done which you've always allowed him to do. Nothing has changed in his view because you've yet to change anything.

 

Make sense?

[Helpexpressme]

The reason I mention ending it on the phone, is because I once mucked a girl around for 4 months. She had enough of me by then, and one day she rung me up, and gave it to me in a calm, articulated way of why she was ending it, that my mouth just dropped to the floor. I tried to give her every excuse under the sun but that was the end of it. She really did floor me, because she had never done that to me before. (standing up for her self).

 

I didn't treat her horribly but I was a jerk to her. But you know what? she left such an impression on me to this day, I often think about her and where she is now. So there is power over everything you do (but it never works as well in texts).

[bluebell29]

OP i think you need to communicate more clearly to him that you want to get off this ride. He's not getting the message because you're not sending it.

[bluebell29]

The reason I mention ending it on the phone, is because I once mucked a girl around for 4 months. She had enough of me by then, and one day she rung me up, and gave it to me in a calm, articulated way of why she was ending it, that my mouth just dropped to the floor. I tried to give her every excuse under the sun but that was the end of it. She really did floor me, because she had never done that to me before. (standing up for her self).

 

I didn't treat her horribly but I was a jerk to her. But you know what? she left such an impression on me to this day, I often think about her and where she is now. So there is power over everything you do (but it never works as well in texts).

I can see your point but I think this situation is different. They've already had the talk and the way he's behaved since then doesn't warrant a sit-down explanation IMO.