bluebell29 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I wouldn't suggest a talk either. Just a clear text conveying they should stop dating/hanging out/seeing each other/whatever you want to call it. Link to comment
East4 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The severing ties once and for all is certainly the healthiest approach, but hey, who has the stamina and will power to do that? Very few people. It takes time and a few iterations for a relationship to die. The danger of declaring "it's over" is that this act will raise a tsunami of turbulent feelings of loss and grieve due to the permanence of the end which may destabilize even the sturdiest soul and unfortunately may cause Naomi to go back on her word. The loss of dignity will be severe, or even worse Naomi may convince herself that she's unable to leave the Doc and accept whatever breadcrumbs he has to offer. That's why I would suggest a more gradual detachment, accompanied with a clear signal that the distribution of power has shifted. Letting Doc know that Naomi is going to dates has to be done subtly, because if said too directly, Doc may suspect that this is done out of spite and hurt feeling and not take the threat of other man seriously. Perhaps "I cannot see you this day, I'm on a date" is too plain, perhaps something like "I was asked to dinner by a wonderful person" is lil subtler. I'm pretty sure Naomi may come up with a good wording of her own. I think the Doc let a few days pass to allow the dust settle after his last "rational" communication, and now is so arrogant by assuming that nothing has changed and the goodies are available on the old terms. Naomi, please find a way to show that he has to be deserving of your attention. Keep him on his toes and start slowly detaching your heart from him. Link to comment
missmarple Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I have to respond at some point though. Just not sure what. You don't HAVE TO do anything. You owe this guy nothing. On the contrary, you owe yourself to get out of this unhealthy situation (not even relationship). Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 See I'm a guy and If you said "I was asked to dinner by a wonderful person" I would take as you playing games with me. But if you just said "No sorry, not tonight" with no other explanation, I would think " hmmmmm I wonder why she said that". Link to comment
East4 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 See I'm a guy and If you said "I was asked to dinner by a wonderful person" I would take as you playing games with me. But if you just said "No sorry, not tonight" with no other explanation, I would think " hmmmmm I wonder why she said that". You might be right. After all you are a guy, you know better how a guy's brain operates. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Lol no that's just my thoughts. The doc has his own thoughts, and all of us have no idea what they are. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The more you drag this out, the more power you give him -- the more power you give him, the less he respects you, and the less he respects you, the less you will respect yourself, which is the collateral damage after it's over. Rip off the bandaid, cry later all you like. Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Ms. Darcy. Of course he found Naomi somehow. I keep repeating this: the man is not a monk! And, it takes two to tango. Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 HelpExpress: You said it! Everyone here thinks they can mind-read Dr. Who. Lol. I've never read so much second-guessing in my life! Briefly summarising (yet again): here's a man, a happy loner, who has made it plain that he does not wish for commitment. Could his "social graces" do with some improvement? Probably, but that is another matter. Naomi is drawn to him, has said she loves him, and is finding it difficult to disengage. Link to comment
bluebell29 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Continuing to be in touch with him is not going to help her get over him. It's going to make it harder. And at worst leave her in an ambiguous grey-area for a while which will be harder to get out of. There is going to be pain involved in getting over him but I don't think it will be alleviated by prolonging the weaning off process. Link to comment
East4 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 OKAY! HELP YOU GUYS!!! He texted me this morning how are you. I didn't respond. Five hours later, he texts again he wants to see my place (I'm doing something to the kitchen pretty cool.) I didn't respond. That was 10 minutes ago. I'm thinking about my choices. 1. Proceed with the breakup text. (I'm starting to miss him and I'm afraid I'm going to regret it. I'm not strong enough yet.) 2. Tell him okay but next week (and buy myself more time.) 3. Tell him not tonight. I'm going on a date. (highly unlikely I will do this but the smart-ass in me wants to so bad.) 4. Never ever respond at all. I'm sitting here, clutching my pearls, anticipating my next move. HALP. Part of the art of giving advice, is to give an advice that is realistic to implement. As I've said cutting all ties is the healthiest solution, but at this stage I'm not sure how realistic this is, as per Naomi's comments to her option1 in replying to the text. I also think that it will be therapeutic for Naomi to voice in a face-to-face chat with Doc all the things she wasn't happy. He needs to know he wasn't a good partner in crime. I remember 1,5-2 years ago there was one master thread started by some ChrisMac about his unhealthy relationship with a girl he was very much into. She was ruining him mentally. In that thread there was ton of great advice with deep analysis that many therapist may only dream about being able to give. Tired of Vampires was really insightful and she went to unfathomable depths in her analysis. All contributors thought that if this great advice would not help ChrisMac to disengage from the relationship, we did not know know what else may help. Then what happened is that OP stopped posting updates and we all thought that he must have finished with her. The thread was deleted, the OP's nickname too. Very recently accidentally I stumbled upon a thread started under another nickname, where, by referring to certain facts and developments, I figured out this must have been posted by ChrisMac under another name. From what I gathered, he had continued the toxic relationship, but didn't keep us posted because we would have eaten him alive, so to speak. The woman has indeed succeeded to cause a lot of damage, Chris was complaining of problems with alcohol. So, the point I want to make is, that no matter how true the advice is, if it is forced on a person who is not there yet to accept it, it will fall on deaf ears, and most probably the person with the dilemma will stop writing on the forum. This is the worst of the situations, because the OP will be left alone. The forum advice should be given with understanding of how ready/willing OP is to follow the advice, and most importantly the guidance should be given with compassion and care, without passing judgement and criticism. Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Have to agree with you there, East, about advice that is realistic to implement. In this extensive thread what I am reading out of it is that Naomi does not want marriage (and children), she actually likes/loves Dr. Who, she ahs described the relationship as refreshing, and the man as "affectionate" among other things. N.B. He did not lead her on given that he told her he wasn't in the market for commitment. Naomi put up a post quite some days back quoting the gist of her talk with him. Could Dr. Who do with some improvement in the courtesy area. Sure he could. So could many people. So here we have a confirmed bachelor, a happy loner, who likes the single life, and who likes the company of a lady, given that he is not a monk or celibate. Are these confirmed bachelors, happy in their bachelorhood, not allowed to date and/or sleep with a woman. There is the other scenario of the commitment-phobe (often an involuntary loner) who DOES lead a woman on, who pretends in order to rope her in that he can and will offer more, maybe even marriage. That is reprehensible, and is, as I say, a different scenario. Link to comment
East4 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Hermes, please do not give a different spin to the meaning of my post. I would never condone Doc's behavior to Naomi. And no, to me he is not a decent man, as I explained in previous posts. In the spectrum between full blown marriage, kids and so on, on one extreme; and on the other extreme-the aloof, hummanless consummation of Naomi, like a doll, there are myriads of possibilities. The fact that Naomi does not desire marriage and kids doesn't mean that she desires being treated like a inflatable plastic doll. My understanding is that she desires human warmth, respect, shared activities, without the commitment of marriage. Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 East, this is what you said: "Part of the art of giving advice, is to give an advice that is realistic to implement." and this is what I said, in agreement with you: "Have to agree with you there, East, about advice that is realistic to implement. " So I don't know what you mean by "spin" aside from the fact that I never ever spin. If I have something to say I say it straight (and as briefly as possible) with every sincerity. Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 In a post about two weeks ago Naomi said: "My GFs say the same thing you say; that if he stepped up to the plate and committed, I wouldn't know what to do with him and he would irritate me. I don't believe that's 100 percent correct though. I'm in love with him and I find his quirks and eccentricities endearing because they are part of what makes him him. I think he is smart and adorable." So, Naomi, where do you stand now, two weeks later? What do you think? Link to comment
toolovehim Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I can feel the pressure too..... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The thread was deleted, the OP's nickname too. Very recently accidentally I stumbled upon a thread started under another nickname, where, by referring to certain facts and developments, I figured out this must have been posted by ChrisMac under another name. From what I gathered, he had continued the toxic relationship, but didn't keep us posted because we would have eaten him alive, so to speak. The woman has indeed succeeded to cause a lot of damage, Chris was complaining of problems with alcohol. So, the point I want to make is, that no matter how true the advice is, if it is forced on a person who is not there yet to accept it, it will fall on deaf ears, and most probably the person with the dilemma will stop writing on the forum. This is the worst of the situations, because the OP will be left alone. From my communication with that poster, he deleted the thread because the ex discovered it and it caused a lot of drama. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Update: I woke up this morning with another text from him (that makes it three) asking if I had plans today. I haven't responded to any of them. It's just like him to be this persistent at my most vulnerable. I feel horrible. I really have to answer soon or it will look like i'm playing games. I read through your insightful posts. Will write more later. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Just put "No not tonight" He only wants some lovin! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Sometimes it helps to get it out and be able to read your own thoughts mulling in your brain before sending anything. Maybe you could try that? What is going on with you? What would you like to say to him? Link to comment
bluebell29 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The point of these forums is for people to help others based on their experience. I don't think we should be telling people what advice they should be giving when it doesn't correspond with their own. We can only point OP in the right direction- she will of course do what she feels best, noone can force her. And I don't think anyone's pressuring her either. She herself doesn't feel like responding to the doc and has said she's starting to view him differently. So we can offer her support for not giving into him. One person's support is another's pressure. .. If OP was saying she's struggling not to text or talk to him then that would be a different matter. She's already started taking him off the pedestal and claiming her power back by not responding so I don't think the advice people are giving is unrealistic. At the end of the day of course it's her choice as to what she wants to do. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Lol no that's just my thoughts. The doc has his own thoughts, and all of us have no idea what they are. He has the emotional intelligence of a pumpkin, and that's degrading to the pumpkin. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 It sounds like he only wants to see you through the week, and not on prime time like the weekend. It's friday over here, so don't know where you are. But if he can't plan time on the weekends. then he would not get week days loving time. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I don't understand why you are ignoring him, Naomi? Answer the man and if you're not sure what you want to do with him then just say "Sorry I haven't responded. I'm busy this week." There.. no decision made and you've still kept that door open that you're so afraid to close so he can't walk through it again. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 It sounds like he only wants to see you through the week, and not on prime time like the weekend. It's friday over here, so don't know where you are. But if he can't plan time on the weekends. then he would not get week days loving time. I went through my calendar and we see each other all days. There's been plenty of Fri/Sat/Sun dates as equally as weekdays. I don't think he gives much thought to which day he wants to get his selfie-stick wet. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.