Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I know what you mean, Bolt. But, I suppose, when in these moments of indecision, inner searching, we do tend to complain, often just as a vehicle on which to hang the soul-searching. I think. This man is a bachelor at 56 because he hasn't committed, and he is clear about it. Some choose to marry, sooner or later, others choose the single life, neither is "bad". As I described in earlier posts, I knew someone like him, just a friend. He'd often talk to me about his bachelor state, he was around this man's age, similar life circumstances in many aspects. He never ever pretended to any woman that he was other than he was. That I know. But as he often remarked, women were very keen on him. Perhaps the "unavailability" intrigued them....I don't know. Only on a few occasions (and no one wants to pry impolitely) but I got some kind of glimpse into the "why" he might have become a bachelor, a happy loner. And I think the reasons lay in his childhood and adolescence. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I'm really glad you shared your story with me. It's kind of a crystal ball for me what could happen if I continued on. The more days go by, my feelings for him are waning. Went out to dinner with a close GF last night and she said I seem to be doing unbelievably well and surprised I'm not pining after him. Think things are naturally taking their course. I'm glad I could help. And as an aside, my former guy did involve me in many facets of his life. I met his entire family (they absolutely loved me, particularly his dad), I traveled with him to events (he was an amateur athlete and had events 2-3 weekends a month), I met almost all his friends and became close to some of them, he even took me with him when he had a job interview (and how fun it was waiting in his truck for 2 hours...) BUT...and a big but...despite all this, he did not love me. He did say he'd thought he might at some point, but then he realized it just wasn't going to happen. I also must point out he pursued me...very strongly pursued me. And yet... I think perhaps your logical mind and your "gut" are starting to drive the bus. Your "love" for him just cannot be sustained without some kind of reciprocation, and you know you won't ever be getting any. I mean, who wants to be in a love relationship with someone who won't love you back? You seem like such a super nice woman who has a lot to give. I think eventually you'll be in a place where the doctor won't even register on your radar because you've moved on to someone who is giving you love and commitment. When you're ready, of course. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 ^^^^This. Times 10,000. Sums it up perfectly. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 I also must point out he pursued me...very strongly pursued me. And yet... What a waste of time for him and you. What's the payoff? Even in video games, you get a reward at the end for playing. I think perhaps your logical mind and your "gut" are starting to drive the bus. Your "love" for him just cannot be sustained without some kind of reciprocation, and you know you won't ever be getting any. I mean, who wants to be in a love relationship with someone who won't love you back? You seem like such a super nice woman who has a lot to give. I think eventually you'll be in a place where the doctor won't even register on your radar because you've moved on to someone who is giving you love and commitment. When you're ready, of course. Thank you for the kind words… I really really really cannot wait until the day he is out of my mind and heart. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 "I really really really cannot wait until the day he is out of my mind and heart." Good tidings of great joy, Naomi. !! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I think my ex WANTED to fall in love with me but couldn't. There were extenuating circumstances that contributed to his lack of love for me, but he was able to fall in love with someone else despite those extenuating circumstances...so I can only conclude he just couldn't fall in love with ME. For whatever reason. And I believe his recent resurfacing had more to do with him being kind of bored and lonely and he didn't have anything else going on so he thought maybe I still worshiped the ground he walked on and I would leap at the chance to spend time with him. On that part he was dead wrong. However, an interesting side note is that he told at least a dozen mutual friends/acquaintances that he and I were spending time together again, which infuriated me and led to me shutting the whole thing down...but that's another story. So, based on my experience, I do know for a fact that a man I used to be head over heels for, I no longer can even stand to be around. And I bet a large part of the reason is because I know he doesn't and never did love me, and I'm not willing to waste anymore of my time with him. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 You two were way more involved than I am. How do you know he was able to fall in love with someone else? He could be feeding her the same story he was feeding you. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Naomi: Bolt's and yours are two different scenarios altogether. I would wager good money that Dr. Who will NEVER "fall in love" with anyone. Maybe when he is 76, who knows, he might reach an arrangement of some kind, maybe someone as "company", maybe even a colleague in his profession from the old days. Who knows. Meantime, that is really not your problem. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 You two were way more involved than I am. How do you know he was able to fall in love with someone else? He could be feeding her the same story he was feeding you. He was in a relationship with her before he dated me. She dumped him for someone else. He didn't want the breakup, but had to accept it. After I stopped seeing him, he reconciled with her and then married her and had children. So I don't believe he fed her any lines. I think SHE was the one with the upper hand in that situation and he was just biding time with me hoping I could help him forget her. But he apparently never did. They're divorced now. Why, I don't know. I'm just grateful that I am totally indifferent to him. If I wanted him I'm sure I could've gone back to the same scenario we had years ago. But again, what for? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Here is where I am at now. I haven't heard from him since Thursday. We usually hang out Sunday, but now that GOT is over, it's not happening. Of course, I could always text first and initiate a date, but I don't see what the point in being assertive is anymore because….well, I just don't care. 30 percent of me wants to see him for one last meet and screw each other's brains out. 70 percent of me wants to end it by text. I'm guessing he'll text me, as always, "Want to meet up tomorrow?" or something like that… And my response will be something along the lines of, "I can't see you anymore. It's been fun getting to know you and I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I'm not cut out for this type of relationship, and I apologize if I've led you to believe otherwise." And that's all. Thoughts? Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Sounds fine to me, Naomi. Straight and to the point. You might wish to insert the adjective "vague" before the word "relationship". Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Short, sweet, to the point. Be prepared for him to offer to "hang out" as "friends". Which, of course will include sex. And you would be the exact same situation you're in now, except with a downgrade to "just friends" instead of "dating". Can you be strong and resist? Will your logical side try to justify "hanging out as friends" by telling your emotional side that you can handle sex with only the title of "friends"? Or will you be able to Just Say No? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 No. He knows what I mean. He's not dumb. In fact, I don't think I should even say that entire last sentence. It should just be, "I can't see you anymore." That is all. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I think he'll get the message, Naomi. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Short, sweet, to the point. Be prepared for him to offer to "hang out" as "friends". Which, of course will include sex. And you would be the exact same situation you're in now, except with a downgrade to "just friends" instead of "dating". Can you be strong and resist? Will your logical side try to justify "hanging out as friends" by telling your emotional side that you can handle sex with only the title of "friends"? Or will you be able to Just Say No? I don't know. There is a part of me that really really really wants to bang him still, but I do not want to be surprised EVER with, "Oh, BTW Naomi…I'm being intimate with another woman." It would kill me. Gotta think three steps ahead and end it. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 You're only human, Naomi. You enjoyed that part of the relationship. Once you cut off, and that's it, then no more second-guessing. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 But you wouldn't be "just banging" him. You love him. Can you handle sex with a man you love when you know he doesn't love you and when you know he only regards you as a "friend"? And that being "just friends" leaves open the possibility that you wouldn't be the only one he's "banging"? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Short, sweet, to the point. Be prepared for him to offer to "hang out" as "friends". Which, of course will include sex. And you would be the exact same situation you're in now, except with a downgrade to "just friends" instead of "dating". Can you be strong and resist? Will your logical side try to justify "hanging out as friends" by telling your emotional side that you can handle sex with only the title of "friends"? Or will you be able to Just Say No? Honest to god, he wouldn't even make a good friend. None of my friends behave like him. They bring me soup when I'm sick and we take care of each other. Even my ex (as a friend) shows concern about me more than the doctor. I've weeded out all my fair-weathered friends, so why would I accept him? No, he is not good friend material. He cares more about his furniture than his friends. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Yep, Naomi. Realisation is cold and hard. I am just in wonderment at how you took on with this man in the first place, given all his faults. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 But you wouldn't be "just banging" him. You love him. Can you handle sex with a man you love when you know he doesn't love you and when you know he only regards you as a "friend"? And that being "just friends" leaves open the possibility that you wouldn't be the only one he's "banging"? Maybe. I am finding him pretty distasteful today. The irony is, the more distasteful I find him, the more I think I am capable of having sex with him without feelings. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Well, that might be the case. I occasionally get together with another ex just for sex. Difference being, we broke up years ago and I do not have any feelings for him at all. I don't love him and I don't wish for more from him. All I want is his body and his ability to get me off. Other than that, I have zero use for him. I'm not sure you're at the point of indifference with the doctor. If you truly love him I can't see how you could possibly be there yet. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Well, that might be the case. I occasionally get together with another ex just for sex. Difference being, we broke up years ago and I do not have any feelings for him at all. I don't love him and I don't wish for more from him. All I want is his body and his ability to get me off. Other than that, I have zero use for him. I'm not sure you're at the point of indifference with the doctor. If you truly love him I can't see how you could possibly be there yet. Definitely not indifferent yet, and I do still love him. But…...I hate change. I hate unpleasant surprises. I hate being emotionally unstable. Hence, I do not want to be surprised with, "We gotta quit being intimate because I'm sleeping with someone else." I won't be able to go to work for a week if he told me that. Hearing those words are not worth the demise of my career and my mental health, and it will be no one's fault but my own because I would have chosen to accept him under this "open relationship" pretense. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Your life is in your hands. Not his and not anyone else's. So...if you choose to continue because you like "banging" him, or because you love him and you would rather accept the downgrade to F-buddies than do without him at all, you indeed would be causing your own emotional destruction if/when he tells you he's met his next "Naomi" and you're off the rotation. OR, if he tells you he's "banging" another woman he's "friends" with (and don't think just because right now he's all about sexual monogamy that he wouldn't take another attractive woman up on an offer of drama-free POAS). Hurt some now by ending it or potentially hurt huge later when he replaces you or wants to add to the lineup. Again, it's all your choice. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Hurt some now by ending it or potentially hurt huge later when he replaces you or wants to add to the lineup. Again, it's all your choice. That's what I'm saying. I'm three steps ahead. Link to comment
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