8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[boltnrun]

So what are you going to do?

 

Continue on, end it, let it fizzle out on its own, blast him via text or phone call, or take more time to "think"?

[Hermes]

ROFL Naomi. My sense of mischief would also want me to send him that text. Heh heh.

 

And then, you know.....many a true word spoken in jest. I wonder.

[boltnrun]

I don't think not wanting to commit = gay.

 

And I don't believe this man is "afraid" of commitment. I think he just doesn't want to commit because he's never had to. I presume he's had a steady lineup of attractive women willing to do for him exactly what you do, Naomi. He has plenty of women who find him attractive and who are willing to accommodate him...for a while. Then when they finally get tired of giving and giving emotionally and getting nothing in return, they move on. And he's fine with that because he's always been able to attract the next woman.

 

I have a friend who is a bit like this. He's a fun, funny, attractive man in his mid-40s. This guy gets more booty than a pirate. Seriously. He talks occasionally of how he's ready to settle down, that he wants a wife and kids, and that he doesn't want to be an "old dad". I've told him he might want to get on that soon, since even if he married today and impregnated this mythical wife immediately, he will still be in his mid-60s when this child graduates high school. However despite his talk of settling down, he still hasn't because, like your doctor, he has so many women wanting to date him and he's so attractive that he hasn't really seen the need to shut down the candy store. Maybe, eventually, when his looks are gone and the parade of women slows down to a trickle, he might be in for a lonely old age...but that doesn't seem to concern him right now when he's got one woman after another clamoring after him.

 

He is not a commitment-phobe...he just doesn't find commitment necessary.

 

And this may be the case with your doctor. I would venture to guess if you decide to stop seeing him, he'll continue to suggest "hanging out" (i.e., have casual sex) as "friends" until he has his next Naomi lined up.

[ForestofDreams]

I would have slapped him. The reason why you want to send him an angry text is because you didn't slap him. All joking aside though I find this story sad actually You sounded like you really liked him. I feel for you. I don't think you should contact him anymore, he was having sex with you without any kind of emotions and now you are hurt. You deserve so much better than this.

 

I think you should focus on healing now. If you continue to talk to him it will just be painful and maybe you guys will even argue now that he's spilled the beans.

 

Take a deep breath, and wisp this guy away, take care!

[lostandhurt]

49 pages and 483 posts.

 

Do you feel better about the situation?

 

Like you said you have lots of options and one of them is to lay low for a bit until you are ready to truly "date" again. This time with a few more tools in your dating toolbox!

 

The right guy is out there, you just haven't found each other yet...

 

 

Lost

[Naomi99]

(Replying on iPhone while I am waiting in line.)

 

That hypothetical text about coming out of closet was not an angry text. It's a joke.

 

He's not gay and I know noncommitment does not mean gay. I was trying to be funny. Big fail.

 

Write more when at desktop.

[bluebell29]

OP, I'm surprised you're not angry at him. To be honest I would feel really insulted if a guy I was sleeping with was urging me to go find a boyfriend. In the sense that he thinks that he doesn't feel at all like he should be the one giving you anything. You give him sex and he says thanks for that and walks away. Balance of power in this situation is so screwed up, I actually feel angry on your behalf! lol

 

Guys like this carry on like this because women let them! The day a high value woman rejects them, they will start doubting themselves. Sadly you can't control all women, you can only control yourself.

 

Look out for yourself Naomi. I wouldn't have replied back to his text. Let him wonder or sweat. Small price to pay in comparison to all the emotional anguish he's put you through. You're not at all being vindictive by not replying. You're doing what's best for you - as you should. Looking out for him is his job (and his mom's) which he seems to be doing well enough.

 

Don't let anyone treat you like an option while you make them a priority. Good luck to you.

[Hermes]

Hello Naomi. I realised immediately that what you were saying was a joke, and I thought the idea was very funny.

[Hermes]

Going back, and as quoted by Naomi, this is what Dr. WHO said to her:

 

"He said, "I've always liked you but I'm not looking for anything more serious than this." and "If you want a serious boyfriend, you should start looking."

 

That was straight talking.

 

No one was forcing Naomi to have anything to do with him.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yep -- my ex actually told me a few times that I should find "a nice, Catholic boy." REALLY?! He also told me, when I was on an extended trip out of the country for work (we weren't "together" at that point anymore, but we had been intimate before I'd left, he told me he'd miss me, etc.), "You should find a guy there in [country I was in] and get laid." UGH! That should have told me everything I needed to know, and I was so angry with him after that statement that I didn't speak to him for two weeks. Looking back, I should have extended that two weeks of silence to forever. Live and learn, I guess!

[Naomi99]

The whole point of this post was to decide whether I should stay or go in an 8-month casual relationship. During this process of posting, some of the wonderful users here have suggested: 1. I initiate more contact and/or 2. I have a talk.

 

So I did both. I initiated a date and had the talk.

 

So the whole point of me having the conversation with him was to determine where we were at with this relationship. It wasn't necessarily to break up!!

 

Yes, I would like something more meaningful, but that doesn't mean that I break up with him on the spot and immediately stop contact, as many of the posters here have suggested. I've spent eight months with this man and to end it ON THE SPOT the second he says he can't offer something more serious is ABSOLUTELY ABSURD to me. A decision made in one second after a bond has been built for eight months? That would be reacting on impulse. I won't do that. This was a conversation post great sex, we were both lying there, very relaxed and talking. It was not the time to stand up and say "Oh, no, sister. Outta here. It's over. Adios."

 

You also forget that: 1. I've rarely initiated contact or dates or phone calls, and have never expressed my feelings to him either. Other than being largely accommodating, which I am with nearly everyone in my life, he doesn't know how I feel either! Even after our conversation the other night, I still didn't reveal much about my feelings. And I'm still not quite 100 percent sure of what I want out of this relationship.

 

If I do answer his texts or decide to see him (and before you start judging, I haven't decided whether I will or not), it will be a well-thought out decision. I rarely make hasty decisions, as they're most ineffective for me, I've found. I won't regret my choices because I made them based on a "feeling" or a gut reaction. Feelings pass and gut reactions can be wrong. I don't think anything he did or said the other night warranted ignoring his text.

 

Few days have passed and I am not angry at him. How can I judge him for what he deems best for himself? He was honest, he didn't lie, he listed a bunch of choices available to me! He was cooperative and even said he would take sex off the table so I could find someone without being sexually attached to him. Whether that is a ploy to seduce me later or he has dubious intentions, only time and action will tell. As of yet, he hasn't done anything to make me doubt his words.

 

ONLY NOW FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, IF WE CONTINUE ON, THERE WILL BE NO MISTAKE THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED THIS IS A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP because he has provided me with all of the information I need. And I get it. I also understand that accepting something less than what I may want looks like low-self esteem or that I am not a high-value woman.

 

Personally I think a high-value woman is someone who practices radical acceptance, is able to separate her emotions from what is, and gives herself time to reflect on what she really wants. And she is able to gracefully leap over the misadventures of dating without throwing a tantrums or holding a grudge. And if she's skillful, she will walk away leaving everyone happy, most of all herself.

 

Now….all that being said. I have two potential dates lined up. One with a HOT guy who is a decade younger than I and looks like Robert Pattinson! Another one who is six years older who is not really my type, but I have to dip my toes in the water at some point, right, Doctor?

[Naomi99]

So what are you going to do?

 

Continue on, end it, let it fizzle out on its own, blast him via text or phone call, or take more time to "think"?

 

I will never ever blast him, or anyone, via text or phone.

 

I am leaning towards dating more. Now I don't feel as guilty doing it since he's actually suggested it.

 

As for him, I still love him but to be honest, the enthusiasm is waning, esp. in the past few days.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm glad you're out there dating!

 

I do have one question, though, about this:

 

"ONLY NOW FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, IF WE CONTINUE ON, THERE WILL BE NO MISTAKE THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED THIS IS A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP because he has provided me with all of the information I need. And I get it. I also understand that accepting something less than what I may want looks like low-self esteem or that I am not a high-value woman."

 

So....you've accepted that this is a "casual relationship" with someone who, in several posts, you admit you "love"? Is it possible for you to have a "casual relationship" with someone you have "love" for? This is a sincere question; I know what the answer is for myself -- a resounding 'no' -- but it may be different for you.

 

And, while I definitely agree with your "high value" woman definition -- or most of it, anyway -- do you think you'll be able to walk away from this happy, particularly if you keep seeing this guy "casually" when you actually love him (and while trying to date others)? I don't ask these things to be critical -- again, these are sincere questions. If the answer to these questions is HONESTLY 'yes' (and not just 'yes' because you want to keep this relationship, regardless of whether or not it's really what you had wanted for yourself) then....go for it!

 

Again, I think it's great that you're meeting other people, and I encourage you to keep that up.

[Naomi99]

OP, I'm surprised you're not angry at him. To be honest I would feel really insulted if a guy I was sleeping with was urging me to go find a boyfriend. In the sense that he thinks that he doesn't feel at all like he should be the one giving you anything.

 

On the contrary, I am thankful. What if he lied and said, "Be with me and no one else," and all along his heart wasn't into it?

 

You give him sex and he says thanks for that and walks away

. To be honest, he doesn't even say thank you.

 

Balance of power in this situation is so screwed up, I actually feel angry on your behalf! lol

Awwww…..so sweet.

 

 

I wouldn't have replied back to his text. Let him wonder or sweat.

I thought about that, but ignoring him would accomplish nothing at all except make me feel horrible and him feel bad. All he did was be honest with me, and that doesn't warrant me ignoring him at all.

 

Ignoring him, in my opinion, shows immaturity and a lack of emotion regulation and accomplishes nothing and can possibly makes things worse.

[Naomi99]

Is it possible for you to have a "casual relationship" with someone you have "love" for? Do you think you'll be able to walk away from this happy, particularly if you keep seeing this guy "casually" when you actually love him (and while trying to date others)?

 

Appreciate your questions…they make me think.

 

I'm not sure because I haven't given it a try.

 

I know before when I was dating while seeing him, I kept feeling guilty. But that was because I didn't know where we stood. Now I do.

 

And I feel like the love I have for him is transforming into a different type of love…it's almost like a pity love. I can't explain it. I'm just not enthusiastic right now.

 

 

 

Again, I think it's great that you're meeting other people, and I encourage you to keep that up.

 

Thank you, BEG!!! xoxxox

[bluebell29]

On the contrary, I am thankful. What if he lied and said, "Be with me and no one else," and all along his heart wasn't into it?

 

. To be honest, he doesn't even say thank you.

 

Awwww…..so sweet.

 

 

I thought about that, but ignoring him would accomplish nothing at all except make me feel horrible and him feel bad. All he did was be honest with me, and that doesn't warrant me ignoring him at all.

 

Ignoring him, in my opinion, shows immaturity and a lack of emotion regulation and accomplishes nothing and can possibly makes things worse.

 

Yes, you're right that it was good he was honest and didn't lie but honestly the way he conveyed the truth was arrogant. He should've just said he doesn't want anything more and sorry if he led you on etc etc. At least that's what decent guys do in my experience. But saying, oh ok then go look for a boyfriend etc was in my opinion unnecessary but that's just me and I wasn't there and don't know him.

 

Also, I said to ignore the text for what it would do for you, i.e. start cutting yourself off. Of course it can't be achieved immediately and you can't just hit a switch and turn the whole thing off. I just felt that he was a bit rude with how he went about it and he didn't deserve to keep having your good graces. Also I didn't mean for you to employ a tactic to elicit a certain response from him. I think silence often sends a loud and clear message. He would text again and you can of course reply at some point saying you want to think etc. Again, just my pov based on what I would do.

 

Sure, a high value woman would be graceful about how to handle emotional situations and noone is saying you should've thrown a tantrum there and then. But also don't be afraid to show your hard side when needed. Again, not saying to even use words. Also not judging you at all - just saying how I see it from my perspective.

 

Also when you say that you didn't initiate anything and were merely pursued into this thing, maybe you should reflect upon whether you might need to be more assertive?

[Naomi99]

Anyway, I can't cut him out of my life just yet because I still need him to call in a prescription for Latisse.

[bluebell29]

Anyway, I can't cut him out of my life just yet because I still need him to call in a prescription for Latisse.

 

Lol, worth waitig for!

[Naomi99]

 

Also when you say that you didn't initiate anything and were merely pursued into this thing, maybe you should reflect upon whether you might need to be more assertive?

 

I don't like being assertive unless I am 100 percent certain the guy likes me. And with him, it was always so vague. So I never initiated. Now I see where I should have been a bit more forthcoming. To be honest, I don't think it mattered whether I initiated or not. He knew he wasn't going to commit one way or the other entering into this, so it's pointless.

[bluebell29]

I don't like being assertive unless I am 100 percent certain the guy likes me. And with him, it was always so vague. So I never initiated. Now I see where I should have been a bit more forthcoming. To be honest, I don't think it mattered whether I initiated or not. He knew he wasn't going to commit one way or the other entering into this, so it's pointless.

 

Yeah I agree you probably couldn't have avoided it. It actually sounds like my last dating episode (though we didn't sleep together- he was decent enough to tell me he didn't want anything serious beforehand). So I know what you mean by using the non-initiating thing to guage interest but some guys will happily keep initiating only to back off when they hear the word 'serious'. Thinking back to my own situation, I now know to cut it off at the stage I sense vagueness - that's where I wasn't assertive enough I think.

[ThatwasThen]

Something to think about: When you give all the power to someone else, you're leaving yourself vulnerable and open. When you become vulnerable and open to someone, that is when you allow yourself to fall in love. If you're going to continue on with him then you can't be the sub here all of the time or you will have less chance of keeping your emotions casual in a casual dynamic.

 

I don't like being assertive unless I am 100 percent certain the guy likes me. And with him, it was always so vague. So I never initiated. Now I see where I should have been a bit more forthcoming. To be honest, I don't think it mattered whether I initiated or not. He knew he wasn't going to commit one way or the other entering into this, so it's pointless.

[Hermes]

Naomi, I do understand where you are coming from, Truly.

 

He was honest with you, did not lead you on and told you the truth straight out. You enjoyed being with him and he with you. He did not say, "we'll get married some day" or anything even remotely like that. He is who he is. As I repeated many times, he is a happy loner, or as someone said "an inveterate bachelor". That does not mean he cannot enjoy a lady's company from time to time. He is a bachelor, but not a monk!

 

You said in your very first post:

"Part of me is losing interest fast and wants to leave. Another part of me wants to stay with him as it's challenging and he's charming and hot."

 

You enjoyed his company, (charming and hot), he did not force you at knife-point. Two adults.

[Naomi99]

Yeah I agree you probably couldn't have avoided it. It actually sounds like my last dating episode (though we didn't sleep together- he was decent enough to tell me he didn't want anything serious beforehand). So I know what you mean by using the non-initiating thing to guage interest but some guys will happily keep initiating only to back off when they hear the word 'serious'. Thinking back to my own situation, I now know to cut it off at the stage I sense vagueness - that's where I wasn't assertive enough I think.

 

You know whats funny? I never even said the word "serious" to him! I made sure I didn't and was consciously aware to let him speak more than I. HE was the one who said it first, like it was a rehearsed conversation he's had many times before with his many, many lovers.

[Naomi99]

Thinking back to my own situation, I now know to cut it off at the stage I sense vagueness - that's where I wasn't assertive enough I think.

 

Yes, but then if you do become assertive, they view that as man-chasing! So what are we supposed to do?

[Hermes]

Hello Naomi. there you are.

 

It totally depends on what YOU want, Naomi. (and as an aside could I just remark in passing that pointless moralising gets on my nerves -- we are all grown-ups here).

 

If you like his company, the fun times, and are well aware, (because he did say so) that there will be no commitment, then you are totally and perfectly entitled to run with this liaison for as long as you want.

 

Indeed you said some days ago:

 

"It is a very physical relationship, but there's more than that. I wouldn't categorize it as FB or FWB, but more like lovers or casually dating." So, yes, you are aware that it is what it is.